Bean's 'Lil Bit' of Everything 2014

[serinebean]

I love abstract art..i find it more interesting than the run of the mill stuff. There are a few nice galleries in Charlotte NC when my daughter lived here we would go all the time. She is loves Andy Warhol and Jean-Micheal Basquiat. We went and saw one of Warhol shows in Charlotte..
I bet your stuff is great

Have you thought about what you are getting Z for Christmas this year..do you do it up big or keep it small..i was into the small but cute stuff

I have 2 canvas bags with Warhol print- came with a silver banana coin purse inside lol!

I am into Salvador Dali, Picasso, Van Gogh, & Da Vinci.

Also, http://www.pinterest.com/beanliebe/art/ <---my pinterest hoard, not including my likes...

Da Vinci is inspirational in his imagination and advanced thinking, Van Gogh was mad, but that's what made him fantastic - his art may have been what inspired me to paint the walls of my bedroom by hand when I was a teen , Picasso - I like how he distorts images - the fractures represent, to me, the many roles we play in life, and how we become torn into different people in order to fulfill our roles. Salvador....now he was something else...I love that man. I think I would be him if I was rich enough to get away with it. Surrealism has always fascinated me, and his paintings take me away...



Anyway.

For Z?
A lot of boxes to rip paper off of? hahaha!! I have no idea what to get her - she will be 10 months old....
Its the rest of the family that has me wondering...what to get people that have everything when I have little cash to spend??? Booze? Scarves? A jar of chicken soup mix?

Let the 'fun' begin.

[vanessa40]

My daughter has that problem now..her fiance parents are filthy rich..if they were not such nice people i would hate them...lol.. So she just buys them a nice bottle of wine.

I think Christmas should just be for children..all this buying for adults is a waste. A lot of people just don't have the money and they end up feeling bad or going in debt for presents people really don't want..That's just my Scrooge take on it

Now birthday's.. Buy me something...lol
This year i told Steve let's buy something cool for the house..Like this Bose sound system or just something you would not normally buy but would like to have..you know..

I can't wait to see some pics of Z christmas..she looks so cute walking in the one video..you are very blessed

[serinebean]

V- you are very right, I am blessed beyond words.

I have to keep myself focused on the positives, and proactive things I can do. Especially with this time of year, I really have to keep myself "up"...

One of my best friends called to tell me she broke up with her fiancé of 5 years. He was punching holes in the walls of the home she rents, and told her to find someone else to watch her kids. They are his kids too.
So she is worried about losing her job, is dealing with being a single mother, and all the other baggage that goes along with that sort of life change.
I told her I was proud of her, and while I suck at emotional situations, I could help her fix her dry wall but that I didn't know what to say otherwise. My heart just goes out to her. She is so strong, and cannot wait for someone to change, and isn't able to give him the urge to want more from life.

Today I am going through old files, I don't think I need to keep all my moms old paperwork anymore. I came across her bankruptcy files, child support court papers, blood testing to prove I was his, disability applications, and bank statements. It seemed like everything in my moms life was sh&t...
I even came across a letter she wrote to me while I was in treatment, she said she could take whatever I had to say to her, that despite her health problems she had a strong will to live - fueled by the need to see her grandkids....

I am coming across many letters of this nature...and it makes me feel horrible. She had her disease, it made her manipulative and mean at times, but it wasn't her really...that was not who my mom was. It just breaks me heart that I cant go back...but that is the nature of death, makes you really think...who am I really, how do I want to be remembered, and am I living life well?

All that to say that I am blessed.
I have my Z. I have my home in progress. I have drive to change. I have a lot of resiliency. I have several really good friends who accept me for who I am - I may not see them often, but I know they are there.
I have my E...whos love is truly unconditional...
I have a job with potential to grow into more....
And I refuse to give into the dark.

[vanessa40]

Reading this makes me both happy and sad..Happy that you now how a great life with a family you love and loves you..but to read about your uncle,mom and what has happened to you in the past is sad.

I don't want to get personal since this is an open journal but if you feel comfortable what was your mothers illness..my mother went one time to see therapist and when she didn't like what he had to say she never went back.

I went for a few months. I just needed to talk about everything that happened to me. She asked if my parents would be open to coming in ..i asked but knew the answer. I told them if we could all go together maybe we could be a family..but she just hung up and that was the last time we spoke. It's sad when people don't want to face the hurt they have caused you.

Just know even though it's just online i do think of you as a friend..so write me anytime and i will be thinking of your friend too. I hope it all works out. The same thing happened to me when i left Brittany's dad..even the punching the holes in the wall..nobody needs to live with that kind of anger.

Give Z a hug for me..

[serinebean]

Reading this makes me both happy and sad..Happy that you now how a great life with a family you love and loves you..but to read about your uncle,mom and what has happened to you in the past is sad.

I don't want to get personal since this is an open journal but if you feel comfortable what was your mothers illness..my mother went one time to see therapist and when she didn't like what he had to say she never went back.

I went for a few months. I just needed to talk about everything that happened to me. She asked if my parents would be open to coming in ..i asked but knew the answer. I told them if we could all go together maybe we could be a family..but she just hung up and that was the last time we spoke. It's sad when people don't want to face the hurt they have caused you.

Just know even though it's just online i do think of you as a friend..so write me anytime and i will be thinking of your friend too. I hope it all works out. The same thing happened to me when i left Brittany's dad..even the punching the holes in the wall..nobody needs to live with that kind of anger.

Give Z a hug for me..

I have made some of my best friends online. I also consider you a friend I also am open if you need to talk - even introverts need an ear from time to time

[serinebean]

In lighter news!

We are approved for the new health insurance plan!!! This is huge! Cuts the bill in half!

E is home early, and I am headed for the gym!!

[serinebean]

Yesterday was cardio and legs

25 min mod intensity cardio

Legs: goblet squats, KB swings, Bulgarian lunges, single leg deadlifts with KB, step ups 3 sets of 12

[wishiwasdivin]

In lighter news!

We are approved for the new health insurance plan!!! This is huge! Cuts the bill in half!

E is home early, and I am headed for the gym!!

That's good news and will help lighten the load a little. Does E workout also? I can't remember if you've ever said lol

[serinebean]

That's good news and will help lighten the load a little. Does E workout also? I can't remember if you've ever said lol

Yes, we joined the gym together this round. Ive been the 'jock' most of the time we have been together, but I convinced him that its critical that he take time to workout for overall heath.

I met him fresh out of the army, when he was super fit, and working physical jobs...so it wasn't an issue. Now he is a desk jockey and has to make time, with no time, to take care of himself.

Its amazing what working out does for the head - its the best medicine.

Thinking of you and your family, Wish.

[vanessa40]

Hey girl.. I just wanted to say i read what you wrote about your mom the other morning..and i am so very sorry. I didn't have time to post..It sounds like you were as good a daughter as you could have been in that time. You can only help someone if they want it.. I know..

You are a wonderful mom..i can tell by the pictures Z looks so happy and loved. I just adore the picture you post..it makes me think of all the times when Brittany was young. How we would play dress up and with her dollhouse ..the rides we would take to the park and feed the ducks.

I hope things get better with your other family members..it's hard when people will not let go of the past..
Glad to hear about the insurance too..Brittany just turned 26 so i had to take her off my insurance she was lucky and hers was not that bad either. She will be married next year and her fiance works for the state so she will be ok by then...

Ok i am rambling now and i just got in from my freezing morning run..it was a blistering 24* today..

You,Eric and Z have a wonderful weekend..

[serinebean]

Hey girl.. I just wanted to say i read what you wrote about your mom the other morning..and i am so very sorry. I didn't have time to post..It sounds like you were as good a daughter as you could have been in that time. You can only help someone if they want it.. I know..

You are a wonderful mom..i can tell by the pictures Z looks so happy and loved. I just adore the picture you post..it makes me think of all the times when Brittany was young. How we would play dress up and with her dollhouse ..the rides we would take to the park and feed the ducks.

I hope things get better with your other family members..it's hard when people will not let go of the past..
Glad to hear about the insurance too..Brittany just turned 26 so i had to take her off my insurance she was lucky and hers was not that bad either. She will be married next year and her fiance works for the state so she will be ok by then...

Ok i am rambling now and i just got in from my freezing morning run..it was a blistering 24* today..

You,Eric and Z have a wonderful weekend..

We did! Thank you!

I never know what is okay to share- I just have to think if Id be cool with them finding and reading this...ugh, the thought of that sucks.

I am really putting a lot of energy into Z. I just hope its enough. I hope I am evolved enough to give her a good foundation for life...its freaky.

Thanks for being here for me.

[vanessa40]

I know what you mean about knowing how much to share and worrying if someone you know will see what you write.
What all do you have planned for Thanksgiving..I will be doing my 8K Turkey Trot run that i do every year and then it will just be me and Steve for dinner. My daughter lives a few hours away so she is coming to spend a few nights at Christmas..

[serinebean]

I know what you mean about knowing how much to share and worrying if someone you know will see what you write.
What all do you have planned for Thanksgiving..I will be doing my 8K Turkey Trot run that i do every year and then it will just be me and Steve for dinner. My daughter lives a few hours away so she is coming to spend a few nights at Christmas..

Going to the inlaws for sure...as for the other places we used to go to...who knows?

There was a 5 k turkey trot....I almost did it, but then..its freaking cold and Im a wuss!!!

Awww....is it hard not having her home?

[vanessa40]

I have to tell you it is so nice not having to go anywhere or entertain for Thanksgiving.

It is hard not having here home sometimes. We were all each other had for the longest time until Steve came into our lives 15 years ago. I think Brittany was 11 or 12..up until then it was just us. I worked and took care of us all alone. I think that's one of the reasons we are so close. We text and Facetime during the day so it's like she is here but i do still miss her. She has the same dark sense of humor i do..It took Steve awhile to get use to that...lol

When i see the pics of you and Z it reminds me of when she was little..those are such special times..

Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving..Don't let any of your family get you down ok.. You are a wonderful,lovely person

[serinebean]

Workout: ABS, LEGS, Cardio

10 min cardio

4 rounds of incline leg press!! Our gym finally has one!!
3 sets of 10-9 standing ham curl machine
Hip add/abduction machine 2 sets per duction
Yoga ball roll ins
Crunches on yoga ball - messing around with core.

I am seriously wobbly after that. The leg press made me realize my hip flexors are seriously weak.

Felt good to get in there.

[serinebean]

[QUOTE=vanessa40;1315494301]I have to tell you it is so nice not having to go anywhere or entertain for Thanksgiving.

It is hard not having here home sometimes. We were all each other had for the longest time until Steve came into our lives 15 years ago. I think Brittany was 11 or 12..up until then it was just us. I worked and took care of us all alone. I think that's one of the reasons we are so close. We text and Facetime during the day so it's like she is here but i do still miss her. She has the same dark sense of humor i do..It took Steve awhile to get use to that...lol

When i see the pics of you and Z it reminds me of when she was little..those are such special times..

Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving..Don't let any of your family get you down ok.. You are a wonderful,lovely person [/QUOTE

I am glad my pictures remind you of good times. I really respect you for going it alone. There are times I feel very close to losing my mind - and the few hours E is home gives me time to gain composure.
I feel I would enjoy a just us dinner, as I would love to host. I just like doing things my way I am really glad you two are close, gives me hope.

I am trying to keep the positives flowing...I get a bit funky around this time of year & really have to fight it. Its like all the mistakes and to dos and drama flood my head at once....and it gets a bit heavy. I have found I can push that out with effort - writing, and forcing my thoughts to shift helps me a lot. Thank you again for reading, V...

[serinebean]

Ten non negative thoughts

Z's strong will to do what she wants.
E's humble nature & ability to let me take the lead.
I have let go of a lot of the control I thought I needed, mostly in terms of food.
Listening to Frank Sinatra while eating a home cooked meal - it was cheesy perfect.
Jumping on the bed at 31
Nixing the Sbux habit for the 10th time - and laughing at how ridiculous it is to be trying this again.
My red walls
Cabinets are finally arriving & they are beyond fantastic- it will make it hard to move.
Dreaming of moving & planning...gives me hope
Reading my autobiography when I was 14....so deep and hilarious...I love that kid.
Lady and the Tramp playing in the living room as I type....

[vanessa40]

Ten non negative thoughts

Z's strong will to do what she wants.
E's humble nature & ability to let me take the lead.
I have let go of a lot of the control I thought I needed, mostly in terms of food.
Listening to Frank Sinatra while eating a home cooked meal - it was cheesy perfect.
Jumping on the bed at 31
Nixing the Sbux habit for the 10th time - and laughing at how ridiculous it is to be trying this again.
My red walls
Cabinets are finally arriving & they are beyond fantastic- it will make it hard to move.
Dreaming of moving & planning...gives me hope
Reading my autobiography when I was 14....so deep and hilarious...I love that kid.
Lady and the Tramp playing in the living room as I type....

I love all of these..i wish i had kept a diary or wrote something i could look back on now..
I have pumpkin walls in my guest bedroom room. I hate white and brown walls..will be repainting my living room SOON...lol

[serinebean]

I love orange too! But if I am going to sell, I have to nix that sort of thing I dread covering my red walls - its tough to do!

My legs are wrecked...l cannot sit down...yikes!
Hopefully this wont happen everytime. I forgot how long it took me to get conditioned last time.

[wishiwasdivin]

Hope you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving

[serinebean]

Wish- I hope your thanksgiving was good too!



Yall are probably tired of hearing about my cabinets, but they are being put in (FOR REALZ)!!! I am in shock- they are so lovely, & make this house feel like a home. its been a while.

Turkey Day was good. Got to try falafel made by my nieces BF. Z was hoarded & I got to have some 'free time'.
Food was good - wasn't overly hungry at the time, which was annoying, because they started on time haha!!

Tomorrow is more installation, and a birthday party that I have to work into the mix.

The baby is howling in despair..time to go soothe the cranky away.

[wishiwasdivin]

My Thanksgivings was pretty

Glad your Turkey day was good

Pics of the new cabinets when done plzz

[wishiwasdivin]

Just stopping in, hope you had a great weekend

[vanessa40]

Happy to hear you had a nice thansgiving..i know family time can be trying..
I loved the pictures of your kitchen..it is looking nice
Got any holiday shopping done..

[serinebean]

Just stopping in, hope you had a great weekend

Hey!!! I have been checking your journal, but you've been kinda quiet!
It was a productive weekend - and that is good!! Hope you have a great day today!

Happy to hear you had a nice thansgiving..i know family time can be trying..
I loved the pictures of your kitchen..it is looking nice
Got any holiday shopping done..

Was planning on doing basic gifts..but, eh, doesn't look like we can really do that this year....

It does look nice. Picking a counter color is tough! <---not like it will happen anytime soon, but its way better than a fold out table

[serinebean]

Leg press
1 set of 10 @ 155
1 x10 @ 200
1 x10 @ 245
1 x10 @ 290
3 x10 @ 335

4 x 10 dead lifts at 95#

3 x10 hamstring curl machine

fin

Cardio sounded gross..just ate dinner and dashed to the gym...because I need my butt back!!

[vanessa40]

Great looking workout girl..
I hear you on the butt
How is Baby Z today

[serinebean]

Oh that child is a spitfire!!! She gets pushy when she wants to do something and isn't allowed. She wont give up..she just persists!
Getting her pants on this morning was a trial...
The kid is smart-busy, and will keep me on my toes!!!

Like with the dishwasher, she sees that I press the buttons, and if I am not fast, she shuts it off! Or the DVD player and TV...its a constant battle of wills!!

She is taking longer naps in the afternoons...thank goodness!!

My legs are jelly......

[vanessa40]

She sounds like she is very smart. I tell you once they get walking there is no stopping them..and Lord help me.. Brittany has not stopped talking since the day she started...get ready for that one..

Enjoy the quiet time when you can get it..

[wishiwasdivin]

Strong leg press

The joys of having a little one they always keep you on your toes