Bean's 'Lil Bit' of Everything 2014

[serinebean]

Howdy BB.com. I have missed you so.

Now....where do I begin?

[Megin]

Like the title !!




But it will be hard to get people in here if you don't tell them that you started a journal and where it is!
Eh.. I found you anwyay

I'm in !

[serinebean]

Like the title !!




But it will be hard to get people in here if you don't tell them that you started a journal and where it is!
Eh.. I found you anwyay

I'm in !

Ha! I had my story spelled out, but felt I wanted to make a soft reappearance & edited out the bulk of it
Glad to have you on board.

[serinebean]

My daughter is now 12 weeks old! where does the time go?

She was colicky, and very demanding of attention so I haven't been as active as I wanted to be. Naturally, I wanted to be the super mom who didn't even look like she had a baby 2 weeks PP. Youthful delusions.

I have lost all but 4 lbs of my baby weight, but find my body is WAY different. a) boobs that I have never ever had (hate them: right when I thought I could lay on my belly again - BAM- they happen) b) my hips are wider/ fatter c) joints feel weak d) lost my glutes e) lost all muscle tone. I suppose this is somewhat normal, I should expect it because I ate less than perfect while preggo. That being said, it was the most liberating experience - I ate what I wanted, and didn't allow myself to feel overly guilty about it. If you know my history you would see this as a miracle.

I am not here to bash my body every day. Nor am I here to lean out, not yet. I am here to establish a healthy lifestyle.

Current goals:

Make a food budget for a family of 3 for under 350.00/ month. I want as much organic food as possible to be included.

Make walking a habit- and then go from there.

Today:

Walk by the harbor for 40 mins.
10 mins Pilates to strengthen abdominal muscles - those puppies feel so weird.
Established budget for food.
Going to check on prices for essentials.

[serinebean]

A little bit more about me.

Spent years soul searching for the perfect career. This has equated to about 14 years of college, and still no answer. Those years are coming back to bite me in the arse -> 6.8% interest looked innocent back in the day, but now I wish I had another foot to shoot.

I have been looking to see if there is some sort of data entry work I could do from home, but having rotten luck. The frustrating part is that even if I went back to working my retail job, I would simply be paying for child care. My hubs said we save money by having me home, but this isn't exactly what I expected to be when I 'grew up'. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby, but I wonder whats next for me?

My baby also came right before my final semester of college. Due to birth costs and other expenses I was banned from registering until those dues were paid, and that's not looking like anytime soon. Even if I did pay it off, Id still need tuition for the last semester, child care, and graduation fees. My last 2 courses are internship (paying the uni to work for free)/ Capstone presentations, and an Independent study...I really wish they would just let me have my degree. So...yeah. What in the heck have I done?!

Ive also managed to get certified as a SAIL instructor, have been certified in USAW & Crossfit for Oly lifts (utterly useless if you aren't a coach- 2 day seminars a coach do not make. That being said, the courses were really fun, but ultimately a spendy remedy to curiosity). During my last semester I got my research project published with the ACSM, along with 3 other studies I helped with...interned with a brilliant man twice...and...now what? I still feel useless. In college you also don't get the hands on experience that you will need in the real world. I am not bitter (not 100% anyway), just trying to sort out where I stand now and where I should go from here. Kind of a 'get real & get out of idealism-land' kind of moment.

Maybe I should just be in the moment for once. Enjoy my little girl while she is young, and make do with the blessings I have.

[geek23ka]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


!~!

!

i am *so* happy you are here. i love the way you journal.

IN like Flynn.

[Megin]

just trying to sort out where I stand now and where I should go from here.

I don't think you can really go 'wrong' here
You could stay home with the little one
or
You could find work and take that route

Either way, as long as you are doing what feels right to you in the moment .. it will be the 'right' choice.

Its not really much of a difference, but a little ..
Not which one should you do or which one is right (be it financially, etc), but which one do YOU feel you want to do
Start with that and go from there

And I can't believe she is 12 weeks already !!
That is insane !

I'm sure you felt all of those 9 months .. but on my end. One day you were preggers and the next you had a baby!! Lol
Gonna come visit before this year is over - That I promise

[serinebean]

I am glad to have you 2 back on board!!

Today I walked for 45 mins up and down hills.
Call it sloppy interval training lol.

A few body positive thoughts:
My body is strong, useful, and forgiving.

...and the kiddo is crying...ttyl

[serinebean]

Either way, as long as you are doing what feels right to you in the moment .. it will be the 'right' choice.
And I can't believe she is 12 weeks already !!
That is insane !

I'm sure you felt all of those 9 months .. but on my end. One day you were preggers and the next you had a baby!! Lol
Gonna come visit before this year is over - That I promise

If I discard all the things I think people say about me choosing to be at home with Lil Bit...it feels like the right choice to do so. For now.

Oh I felt those months of pregnancy. Particularly when I was over due for almost 2 weeks. I was miserable and round lol! I know a lot of women struggle with pp depression, but I was so happy to have her out and in my arms that it fixed any depression I had while preggo. After school let out I spent many days in bed...scared out of my mind. I don't think anything has scared me so much...and yet, has been so fleeting...once you hold your baby all that fear just melts. Now I feel like this was meant to be, and has filled a big hole in my world.

I would love to see you! You know where I live! I also know being the big boss can be a bit time consuming Doors always open to you, friend.

[geek23ka]

when i had my kids, i spent lots of time pretty flipped out second guessing everything i did. i was miserable. i am glad to hear that when you drown out the other people and just listen to you, that you know whats best for you and your family now. NO GUILT, MOMMA!!! do whats right for the three of you and f everybody else. even that voice inside you, that doubts all you do.

i love seeing her on my fb feed.

[kitebean]

I love how we have all grown into ourselves, appreciate our blessings, and focus on health instead of all of the other 'something else' things we've collectively and individually obsessed over in here for many many years.....have had some awesome lifts this week though! hehe.

[Megin]

I love how we have all grown into ourselves, appreciate our blessings, and focus on health instead of all of the other 'something else' things we've collectively and individually obsessed over in here for many many years..

^^ Its pretty cool, isn't it

If I discard all the things I think people say about me choosing to be at home with Lil Bit...it feels like the right choice to do so. For now.

Don't know who is saying anything (really??? who would say that?)
But then go with it - love on that lil thing and enjoy the time with her.

They say it goes by too fast

[vanessa40]

Wow it is so great to see ..Looks like i picked a good day to come back
Sounds like you are doing great.. Congratulations on your little one

[serinebean]

Workout: 35 min hill 'intervals' while pushing stroller *assume a stroller is involved from here on out. **Id rather wear her in my moby wrap, but she wont have it.
Positive Affirmations of body/ mind: I am in control. I am compassionate. I am growing my freckles back - thanks Mr. Sun.

I really do feel those walks lol. Its funny, but its also humbling. If I learned anything from my Internship is that I need to build a solid cardio base before going all crazy. Patience wins.

[vanillabn]

I am glad to have you 2 back on board!!

Today I walked for 45 mins up and down hills.
Call it sloppy interval training lol.

A few body positive thoughts:
My body is strong, useful, and forgiving.

...and the kiddo is crying...ttyl

Serine!!! I'm so happy to see you back on here!

'Sloppy interval training' - love it!!

[serinebean]

when i had my kids, i spent lots of time pretty flipped out second guessing everything i did. i was miserable. i am glad to hear that when you drown out the other people and just listen to you, that you know whats best for you and your family now. NO GUILT, MOMMA!!! do whats right for the three of you and f everybody else. even that voice inside you, that doubts all you do.

i love seeing her on my fb feed.

I am glad you enjoy her. I try not to post too many pictures, but whats a new mom to do? It is just fascinating...so different when its your own. I get it now.

You are right, I have to get firm with myself and be secure in my choices. Damned if you do and damned if you don't, may as well do what feels right.

I love how we have all grown into ourselves, appreciate our blessings, and focus on health instead of all of the other 'something else' things we've collectively and individually obsessed over in here for many many years.....have had some awesome lifts this week though! hehe.

I love it too. I hesitated to journal because I feel pretty evolved from the serinebean of 2005
Oh hush you! I would love to get back into the gym and lift again, but for now its home workouts. I tell you what, you can really kick your own but with a kettle bell/ just your own body. I cant be black and white anymore.

^^ Its pretty cool, isn't it


Don't know who is saying anything (really??? who would say that?)
But then go with it - love on that lil thing and enjoy the time with her.

They say it goes by too fast

Mom groups- there are a lot of backhanded comments at the moms who get to stay home. What they fail to realize, and this is trending now, is that more moms are staying home because it makes financial sense. Like in my case. And, yes, I had to really weight this decision out. I cant afford child care, and I have a limited supply of family....so...we do what we have to do.
I really enjoy my time with her, and everything is in a state of transition...nothing remains the same forever.

Way too fast, Megs.

Wow it is so great to see ..Looks like i picked a good day to come back
Sounds like you are doing great.. Congratulations on your little one

Youre back too?! Yay old school!!

[serinebean]

Serine!!! I'm so happy to see you back on here!

'Sloppy interval training' - love it!!

Ha! Good to see you! Nice to see some old faces here!

[kitebean]

yes, i love that, it CAN'T be black and white anymore. I think the other cool thing is that regardless of our paths and specific circumstance, we love the feeling and the effect of lifting heavy things and moving our bodies. I feel very grateful for that because not everyone enjoys it!

it must be so interesting as a new mum to reflect on all of the advice, warnings, examples you've been given and how that does or doesn't match your reality. I can recall you going through periods of not being sure you could 'do this' but look at you! you are! you and E are doing it together and every minute of the day you share what you created, and what she is becoming. so so awesome.

[vanessa40]

When Brittany was young~lord she is almost 26~I stayed home daycare was expensive then i can only imagine what is it like now. I would not trade that time home with her for anything. It makes me so happy when she talks about all the fun we had playing at the park,feeding the duck,eating snow cones.
The time goes by so fast and then you will be like me with your little dog that you spoil and use for your avi...lol

[serinebean]

yes, i love that, it CAN'T be black and white anymore. I think the other cool thing is that regardless of our paths and specific circumstance, we love the feeling and the effect of lifting heavy things and moving our bodies. I feel very grateful for that because not everyone enjoys it!

it must be so interesting as a new mum to reflect on all of the advice, warnings, examples you've been given and how that does or doesn't match your reality. I can recall you going through periods of not being sure you could 'do this' but look at you! you are! you and E are doing it together and every minute of the day you share what you created, and what she is becoming. so so awesome.

It feels good. I will never again will I dip cucumbers in whey protein powder because I am scared of what a treat would do to me. Nor would I wake up at 2 am to hit the gym before I open it, work, and then work out after my shift. A lot of my past was driven by fear, and that is no way to live. There are other ways to make a goal and achieve it - beating oneself up and being negative is not for me anymore. I am proud of us...and so glad we keep in touch.

I was terrified, Kitebean. I had no experience with babies, and, for some reason, stuck my head in the sand during the time I was off from school until I delivered. Meaning I could have been reading books, but instead I just waited...
I am glad I did too. Without any classes or books I delivered my Lit Bit with a calm power - I just let instinct take over, added in with my mental skills training. Once you realize you can only control your breathing...you let go and give into what is supposed to happen.

I will say that I really wanted more people to help after she was born. A lot of people said they would help, but no one really followed through except for my MIL - she came over 4 days in a row. After that it was me. E had to start work back up immediately....and here I was...with my little life. I would have cried in a ball of self pity, but instead I ended up crying because she was crying and I couldn't soothe her. Isnt that what moms do? I laugh now because that motherly touch came with time...and it makes me feel so proud. Mostly, I wish my mom or grandma could have been here...but all of this is what makes us into the beautifully strong women we are.

I do what I want with her. Shes very attentive. Strong, and vocal. She sleeps a good 10 hours at night, waking to eat and get changed, and is able to entertain herself for periods of time. Took her to my SILs party (helped set up) and women were impressed with her eye contact, and upper body mobility. That's what happens when you treat them like little people...they respond as such. And who knows, if I get my second baby...he/she may need a different plan of attack. Now that this has happened, I feel it was my destiny. It was due time.

[serinebean]

When Brittany was young~lord she is almost 26~I stayed home daycare was expensive then i can only imagine what is it like now. I would not trade that time home with her for anything. It makes me so happy when she talks about all the fun we had playing at the park,feeding the duck,eating snow cones.
The time goes by so fast and then you will be like me with your little dog that you spoil and use for your avi...lol

Hahaha! Well, I did have a cat that I was dressing up. She ran away, I think (hope), after Lil Bit was home. She was so jealous & hated her...so boo.

I am glad you shared that part with me. Day care is so costly. I cant work a job and really profit from it, because it would almost all go to childcare. I hope to give her those memories too. I have memories of Day Care...and the weird disconnect I felt from home. I don't blame my mom, she did what she had to do, but I don't want my baby to go through the same experience. So while I feel a little bit of guilt, I also feel very lucky to be living that dream. Aside from living very tightly, nothing new here folks, there are no down sides.

You avi is super cute btw.

[serinebean]

This weekend was INSANE! I don't think I sat down for 48 hrs.
No specific walks for exercise.
Yard work, house work, grocery shopping, party set of for SIL, more cleaning, all while holding baby, cooking... <--dude, this all counts as something, right?

Go into the heart doc tomorrow to get a monitor for 48 hrs. Strange bouts of PACs that became noticeable in my 1st trimester, went away, and then came back 6 weeks pp. I thought they had gone away again, but last night I felt them again....so I will follow through with my apt. I am sure its nothing major...but it is creepy.

Today I am foggy headed and tired. I am sure a walk would do me good.

TTYL.

[vanillabn]

Grocery shopping, housekeeping, holding baby, definitely counts... that's hard work! Sounds like a crazy weekend.

Yeah definitely glad you're going to see the Dr.... that's not cool! Hope you get everything figured out.

[serinebean]

VB- Shes 14.6 lbs! Shes dense! But shes not fat, just long! I will keep you posted on the doc stuff...boo

Workout did n done: 35 min walk (Same distance but faster!) hill intervals included. My legs are twitching.

Positive affirmation: every day is a gift & I am thankful.

[vanessa40]

I hope everything turns out ok at the doctor. I had to wear a heat monitor once when i was about 12 i think..
Yes nothing can compare with the time you spend with her now. She will cherish those times when she is older.
I think it's terrible what they charge for childcare now. Most people can't afford to work and pay for that too.
I would have loved to see some of the cat pics

[kitebean]

It feels good. I will never again will I dip cucumbers in whey protein powder because I am scared of what a treat would do to me. Nor would I wake up at 2 am to hit the gym before I open it, work, and then work out after my shift. A lot of my past was driven by fear, and that is no way to live. There are other ways to make a goal and achieve it - beating oneself up and being negative is not for me anymore. I am proud of us...and so glad we keep in touch.

I was terrified, Kitebean. I had no experience with babies, and, for some reason, stuck my head in the sand during the time I was off from school until I delivered. Meaning I could have been reading books, but instead I just waited...
I am glad I did too. Without any classes or books I delivered my Lit Bit with a calm power - I just let instinct take over, added in with my mental skills training. Once you realize you can only control your breathing...you let go and give into what is supposed to happen.

I will say that I really wanted more people to help after she was born. A lot of people said they would help, but no one really followed through except for my MIL - she came over 4 days in a row. After that it was me. E had to start work back up immediately....and here I was...with my little life. I would have cried in a ball of self pity, but instead I ended up crying because she was crying and I couldn't soothe her. Isnt that what moms do? I laugh now because that motherly touch came with time...and it makes me feel so proud. Mostly, I wish my mom or grandma could have been here...but all of this is what makes us into the beautifully strong women we are.

I do what I want with her. Shes very attentive. Strong, and vocal. She sleeps a good 10 hours at night, waking to eat and get changed, and is able to entertain herself for periods of time. Took her to my SILs party (helped set up) and women were impressed with her eye contact, and upper body mobility. That's what happens when you treat them like little people...they respond as such. And who knows, if I get my second baby...he/she may need a different plan of attack. Now that this has happened, I feel it was my destiny. It was due time.

Wow that is really beautiful and wonderful in so many ways! What happens when we 'let go' and let instinct and nature take over, how liberating. I know how fearful you have been about so many things, and how they manifest in that seeking behaviour that wasn't so much for the experience in and of itself but in some quest for a perfection or the one answer that simply doesn't exist. you remind me of my mum in that way, kind of always feeling like there is this expectation of society or peers or perfect strangers who somehow expected YOU to be a certain way....but the shocking truth is that as important as we think we are, those people or that group don't spend nearly as much time thinking about us or judging us or forming expectations of us as we think! I'm sorry people weren't as willing to help as they said - if I was there I would have been

Thank GOD no more cucumber and Whey! can you even believe that? when I think about how much time I wasted obsessing and fantasising and being a dick about gauging my success by the scale I want to scream!

I hope I get to meet your little person one day. And I totally agree with you about treating them like people. I am so proud of you

[Megin]

I will say that I really wanted more people to help after she was born.

Maybe it was a blessing in disguise?
You had to 'go it alone' -- you needed time to learn to be with her without second guessing or having someone hover over your shoulder.
You needed time to adjust to her and figure out on your own how you want to handle her.

Its scary, but sometimes figuring things out on our own is the best course of action..

I know it probably sucked .. but it sounds like it was for the best. You are now confident with her

[serinebean]

I hope everything turns out ok at the doctor. I had to wear a heat monitor once when i was about 12 i think..
Yes nothing can compare with the time you spend with her now. She will cherish those times when she is older.
I think it's terrible what they charge for childcare now. Most people can't afford to work and pay for that too.
I would have loved to see some of the cat pics

I am wired for sound. The nurse assured me that what I am experiencing is common and not a threat to my life
Why did you have to wear one?
I cant figure out how to load pics on here! What a crazy mess! Do you have a FB?

Wow that is really beautiful and wonderful in so many ways! What happens when we 'let go' and let instinct and nature take over, how liberating. I know how fearful you have been about so many things, and how they manifest in that seeking behaviour that wasn't so much for the experience in and of itself but in some quest for a perfection or the one answer that simply doesn't exist. you remind me of my mum in that way, kind of always feeling like there is this expectation of society or peers or perfect strangers who somehow expected YOU to be a certain way....but the shocking truth is that as important as we think we are, those people or that group don't spend nearly as much time thinking about us or judging us or forming expectations of us as we think! I'm sorry people weren't as willing to help as they said - if I was there I would have been Thank GOD no more cucumber and Whey! can you even believe that? when I think about how much time I wasted obsessing and fantasising and being a dick about gauging my success by the scale I want to scream!

I hope I get to meet your little person one day. And I totally agree with you about treating them like people. I am so proud of you

Haha! A lot of people seem to see a bit of their mother in me...I don't know if this is a good thing? Most of them are a little off their rocker hahaha!

I cant say it was time wasted. It was a process I had to go through...we all did. But I will never eat crap like that again! Gack!

I REALLY want you to meet her too. I had such a good time when you visited last. Your energy is contagious, and you have a whimsical way about you that I really enjoyed.

Thank you for all of your positive affirmations. Yeah I shouldn't care, but it is nice to hear xx

Maybe it was a blessing in disguise?
You had to 'go it alone' -- you needed time to learn to be with her without second guessing or having someone hover over your shoulder.
You needed time to adjust to her and figure out on your own how you want to handle her.

Its scary, but sometimes figuring things out on our own is the best course of action..

I know it probably sucked .. but it sounds like it was for the best. You are now confident with her

Oh miss Megs...you have a way of viewing situations that I admire. Thank you for the head check. You have a point with that...and its true..all the times that I have REALLY wanted my hand held, but managed to pull through solo have been the most empowering.

[serinebean]

Workout:
2 walks: 1 for 30 mins with friend down by the harbor- flat path
2nd for 27 mins up and down hills (10 hills)

Thoughts:
Need to add in resistance training. Tomorrow I will pull out the ol kettle bell and start with basic moves. 2-3 times a week/ upper one day, lower the next. Seems kinda lame compared to these badass journals, but this kid has to build back up - mostly its establishing a routine.

Positive Affirmations:
I am taking the steps needed to better my health. I am eating healthy and exercising, and I am thinking positive thoughts. I can overcome any obstacle in may path, because everything is in transition.

[geek23ka]

you just had a baby. you are in the learning curve of new motherhood. you are exactly where you should be for a healthy mind and body. oh man, i remember being where you are and i only got "down time" when little one was asleep, and that down time was clean up, cook, flop on chair and immediately fall asleep time. that you are doing this, too? mom super hero.