Bean's 'Lil Bit' of Everything 2014

[vanillabn]

Like M. Angelou said, "If you cant change your situation, change your attitude about it."

This is so true! It's definitely easier said than done, but how we think about things has a HUGE impact... for sure. I think having your off days is a given though... it's just choosing to refocus (like you said) and not dwell on those feelings...you're at a whole new stage in life and I guess there's got to be some time for 'adjustment'.

The walk by the harbour sounds amazing! I love getting exercise outdoors when you have a nice view as well!

[vanessa40]

I so understand the way you are feeling. I was always doing something from the time i could walk it seemed. I worked up until the day i had Brittany.
For me it was hard to step back and let someone else take control of my everyday life. I was use to being the one that made the money. Then i saw what i was doing at home was more important..it was still hard...I love that now i can look back on that time and all the things we did together..it makes me happy..

[Megin]

Have a good weekend, Beans

[serinebean]

This is so true! It's definitely easier said than done, but how we think about things has a HUGE impact... for sure. I think having your off days is a given though... it's just choosing to refocus (like you said) and not dwell on those feelings...you're at a whole new stage in life and I guess there's got to be some time for 'adjustment'.

The walk by the harbour sounds amazing! I love getting exercise outdoors when you have a nice view as well!

I had a whole crap-ton of research showing the power of our minds over your physiology...its crazy. I did some research with biofeedback and found I was able to control my heart rate variation by thought alone. I wish I was still in school to pursue that further...

I so understand the way you are feeling. I was always doing something from the time i could walk it seemed. I worked up until the day i had Brittany.
For me it was hard to step back and let someone else take control of my everyday life. I was use to being the one that made the money. Then i saw what i was doing at home was more important..it was still hard...I love that now i can look back on that time and all the things we did together..it makes me happy..

I will agree here. I don't want some creep doing anything to her, and not have her be able to tell me about it. I guess I am not very trusting in that aspect. I remember being very frustrated as a child...would try to tell my mom what the grown ups had done to me, but she always took their side. Besides, things are looking up for me!!! News below!

Have a good weekend, Beans

It will be good.

Ps. I think Eric took you down town gig harbor? Or was it across the bridge? Its the photos of the boats I posted on FB a week ago now. I think you would like it. If you come during good weather we will go there for sure. We have kayaks too!

[serinebean]

Workouts:
Busy weekend as usual.
Monday-Tuesday: walks, tues being Chambers Bay with friend. T
Wed I rested
Thurs short walk in hot sun! gack!
Friday: planned walk with Aunt on my dads side

News:

Pending accounting/bookkeeping work from home. Above mentioned aunt hooked me up with one of her friends...and I have everything crossed. Even 10 hours a week would help. She is supposed to call today- the anxiety is killing me. She asked me how many hours I wanted, and I had no answer lol! She said she could take on more clients depending on me, or refer me to others for extra work. I am elated at the idea.
I get to stay home, watch over my girl, and contribute. Boom.
*Not where I really EVER saw myself going jobwise....but I am down with the learning!

Positive Thoughts:

I have so much to be thankful for. When I block out comparisons of my life to other people's lives and find happiness in what I have. I have hope for the future.

Other:

No bad news from cardiologist. While this is good, its aggravating to still have symptoms. I guess PACs are VERY common, and anything heart related gets aggravated during pregnancy...but why is it still bugging me now? E thinks when I am done breastfeeding that it will stop, and I hope he is right.

Other Other:
Lil Bit has found her voice. aka a squawk that is a hybrid of pterodactyl and a cougar. She shrieks particularly loud when she is pulled from laying to standing lol!
I also know I am a sucker- I REALLY need new clothes..Ive worn the same 2 pair of black nike workout pants for 4-5 years now...but instead the kid gets a new toy. I just don't want her being bored.

I just have to not allow myself to get too frumpy haha...I can see how it could be easy when taking care of others.

Thanks for stopping by!!

[vanessa40]

Oh Bean.. I am so sorry that happened to you when you were younger. I am not sure what happened to you but my first husbands sister did the same thing.. her sweet little girl who was only about three at the time was sexually abused..when they case worker asked her she said it was the mothers boyfriend..Angie( the mother my thankfully ex-sister in law) did not believe her. WTF..this is your child..it made me sick. I would hate to think what i would have done if it was my child telling me that..i am not a violent person but lets just say you would be seeing me on the nightly news. Her father ended up getting taking her away from her mother and she married the guy. I could never pick a man over my daughter..

Sorry did not mean to go off but that to this day that still upsets me.. and it has been 22 years since that all happened.. her daughter was only a couple years younger than Brittany. My family was abusive just not in that way..i guess that is why i have always been so protective of Brittany..you just never forget.

How sweet that Lil Bean has found her voice..let me tell you once they do it never stops...lol and yes it can become very easy to forget you need nice things too..Remember what Steve Perry of Journey says..Be Good To Yourself

[serinebean]

Workout:
Yup. another walk.

Thoughts:
I know I need to get back to the weights. I think I am so frustrated that I put it off. Calling me out on my own bs.

Positive Thoughts/ Affirmations:
Getting organized. House is still a work in progress, but MILES away from where we began. Lil Bit has taken to the moby wrap..so I have her on me as I type. I love being needed..I know one day I will not be...

[serinebean]

Oh Bean.. I am so sorry that happened to you when you were younger. I am not sure what happened to you but my first husbands sister did the same thing.. her sweet little girl who was only about three at the time was sexually abused..when they case worker asked her she said it was the mothers boyfriend..Angie( the mother my thankfully ex-sister in law) did not believe her. WTF..this is your child..it made me sick. I would hate to think what i would have done if it was my child telling me that..i am not a violent person but lets just say you would be seeing me on the nightly news. Her father ended up getting taking her away from her mother and she married the guy. I could never pick a man over my daughter..

Sorry did not mean to go off but that to this day that still upsets me.. and it has been 22 years since that all happened.. her daughter was only a couple years younger than Brittany. My family was abusive just not in that way..i guess that is why i have always been so protective of Brittany..you just never forget.

How sweet that Lil Bean has found her voice..let me tell you once they do it never stops...lol and yes it can become very easy to forget you need nice things too..Remember what Steve Perry of Journey says..Be Good To Yourself

First off, I don't have a traditional journal, so feel free to post anything you like in here.

I was not sexually abused. More along the lines of having teachers stand on blankets over my head during nap time when I didn't want to lay down, face grabbing to get my attention, being put into solitary...all things that parents don't want to believe, and kids have a hard time expressing. I felt like my own experiences were invalid...

I hear you on wanting to protect your own from such things. I will always listen to her...and be very aware if her behavior changes. And that's just mama bear talking..I too would be in jail.

On another note...she is now inch worming around...backwards mostly....crap.

[vanillabn]

First off, I don't have a traditional journal, so feel free to post anything you like in here.

That's the best part of this journal I love that it's your real thoughts, not just workouts. I think our daily life/thoughts/mental state has a huge impact on everything else...

I'd love to know more about the stuff you were learning about the impact of our mind over physiology. Very interesting! I wish I had more time to just read, research, learn more stuff!

Hope you're having a great weekend

[serinebean]

That's the best part of this journal I love that it's your real thoughts, not just workouts. I think our daily life/thoughts/mental state has a huge impact on everything else...

I'd love to know more about the stuff you were learning about the impact of our mind over physiology. Very interesting! I wish I had more time to just read, research, learn more stuff!

Hope you're having a great weekend

*I cut and pasted a bit here...and don't have time to edit it down tonight. Helps me remember why I was in school...and that it wasn't all a waste. :P

I am glad you find me interesting enough to visit. I knew that my journal wouldn't be as popular as it was when I was super into lifting...but I needed a place I could just 'talk'.

For biofeedback: Really cool tools (EmWave2) used by my sport psychologist prof, who happens to be the psych used by Olympic athletes: http://www.heartmath.org/research/re...nter-home.html <---for this she would get them to understand how to control their reactions in a controlled setting. Then gradually add in stimuli (crowd cheering and such) in order to train her client to remain in a calm state even under pressure. We could do the same with, say, public speaking. Powerful too if you work it.

Free stuff here: http://www.heartmath.org/free-servic...-services.html

Just going to list below part of our project:

Biofeedback is defined as: A method of helping individuals learn how to control various physiological processes such as muscle tension, blood pressure, breathing, heart rate, brain wave states, skin temperature, and skin conductance. Biofeedback training has even been used to reduce pain perception--a study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, individuals were trained via a real time functioning MRI to control the region of their brain which regulates pain and pain perception (the rostral anterior cingulate cortex.) These individuals were able to voluntarily decrease chronic, clinical pain with only biofeedback training and the POWER OF THEIR MINDS! And if they can do it with pain, you can do it with stress. Just like the rostral anterior cingulate cortex lights up during moments of pain, the autonomic nervous system also activates certain physiological processes during moments of stress. We’ve all felt it: increased heart rate, breathing rate, and blood pressure--feelings of tenseness, anxiety and lack of control. What you may not feel is the redirection of blood flow to the extremities, vasoconstriction in your core, the readying of your body for a fight or flight response. This response in small doses is not harmful, and in fact can be beneficial at times. It is when the stress response becomes chronic that the negative aspects start popping up. High blood pressure, illness, autoimmune diseases, weight gain, mental and physical fatigue, heart disease and premature death--long term stress isn’t good for anyone. Biofeedback training allows an individual to see the physiological signs of the stress response and voluntarily shut them down, both creating a more relaxed state and preventing the onset of long term stress.


The Emwave:

The emwave is a tool used in Biofeedback which measures heart rate variability. “The term ‘‘Heart rate variability’’ (HRV) refers to the waveform of beat to beat changes in the duration of R R intervals….Higher HRV indicates an optimal interplay between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system and thus epitomize as an index of emotional expression.”

The Emwave was developed by Doc Childre of the Heartmath Institute (1991) and has since been upgraded for use not only by itself, but also with computers and computer software.


HOW IT WORKS:


The emwave takes an individuals pulse through a thumb pad and interprets the HRV into one of three categories: High coherency (high variability, which is indicative of decreased stress and shows up as green), medium coherency (midlevel stress, which shows up as blue), and low coherency (increased levels of stress, a very low HRV, and shows up as red.) The emwave also provides a way to learn to control HRV through deep breathing. Just above the blinking light which shows the pulse is a column of blue lights which go up and down--this is used to time a patients inhale and exhales. A common phrase used in order to facilitate this is “Envision that you are inhaling through your heart and exhaling stress.” You can use the emwave alone in this manner, or use it in conjunction with computer games. Sessions are typically 5 minutes long to start with, but may go on as long as the user feels is necessary.


Practical Applications of Biofeedback


→ Negative emotions such as panic, depression, anxiety, and hostility have all demonstrated reduced HRV (Chevalier & Sinatra, 2011). The heart rate variability, i.e. “beat-to-beat” oscillations of heart rate reflects parasympathetic control. Proper functioning of the sympathetic-parasympathetic balance in response to stress enables adaptive response to load – allostasis. The sympathetic overactivity associated with parasympathetic hypoactivation could represent potential pathomechanism leading to increased risk of negative cardiovascular outcomes and all-cause mortality (Visnovcova, Calkovska, & Tonhajzerova, 2013).

→ HRV studies will improve our understanding of physiological situations involving the actions of medications and disease mechanisms. Increased vagal tone exerts a protective effect in a setting of ischemia and arrhythmia.Therefore, further research is warranted in order to apply this progressive therapy in more clinical settings.

→ HRV represents one of the most promising evaluation tools for risk stratification of cardiac patients. Predictive associations between reduced HRV and increased mortality after an acute myocardial infarction have been documented. Reduced HRV and an increase in the incidence of coronary heart disease and subsequent cardiovascular events have often been determined in community-based populations (Visnovcova, Calkovska, & Tonhajzerova, 2013).

→ HRV measurement via biofeedback is predictive of CVD, & is a cost-effective method of assessing HRV. Biofeedback devices, such as the Em Wave 2, in addition to Heart Math technology, helps to psychologically & physically train clients in obtaining new coping skills that reduce stress and increase HRV.


I did a lot of research on resilience too. Geek has a connection to a man with a lifetimes worth of material: http://onresilience.com/faq/ seriously...amazing info here.

TED talks on making stress your friend. Basically, we have been taught that stress is bad for our health...but HOW we THINK about how stress affects us matters too. Along the lines of perception is reality.
http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgon...ss_your_friend

[Megin]

I knew that my journal wouldn't be as popular as it was when I was super into lifting...but I needed a place I could just 'talk'.

I don't think thats it..
I think the people who visit these boards have changed - all around, the boards are slower
The group that we 'ran with' for the most part isn't here any more

Thats kinda the only reason - not b/c you became less 'workout-y'
(is that a word? )

Anyway .. I like reading about your world. It keeps me in the loop

[vanessa40]

Wow..Thanks for posting all the information. I will be looking into that later today.

I love your journal and like Megin said i do believe the tone here is a bit different than when i was first here. I do enjoy the journals i go to now. I love to read about what is happening to everyone.. babies,people moving,vacations..just daily things.
I love seeing your Lil Beans pictures..she is so cute

[serinebean]

I don't think thats it..
I think the people who visit these boards have changed - all around, the boards are slower
The group that we 'ran with' for the most part isn't here any more

Thats kinda the only reason - not b/c you became less 'workout-y'
(is that a word? )

Anyway .. I like reading about your world. It keeps me in the loop

I have decided that all words written with intent shall be official lingo. Who made 'them that decide' the boss anyway?

You know EXACTLY what I mean though. I don't know that I would even care to type out my workouts anymore...it takes a lot of time.

Glad you are in the loop that is my world.

Wow..Thanks for posting all the information. I will be looking into that later today.

I love your journal and like Megin said i do believe the tone here is a bit different than when i was first here. I do enjoy the journals i go to now. I love to read about what is happening to everyone.. babies,people moving,vacations..just daily things.
I love seeing your Lil Beans pictures..she is so cute

I was shocked when I looked into my student drive - I have so much info in there!! I may just start babbling about that stuff too haha!

I am keeping my journal visits to a select few, its hard to keep up and be genuinely engaged with what they are saying.

She really is cute. I think I am going to have my hands full with that one...she is always looking, thinking, easily frustrated, and never wants to sleep...and very strong.

[serinebean]

Workout:
@ home.
3 sets of 10 for all: squats, knee pushups, bent over rows, kettle bell swings
2 sets of bicep curls
1 set each of front and lateral raises

30 min beach walk later on with hubs.

Thoughts:
I sweated as a result of the above

Positive Stuff:
Was in a bad mood earlier, wrote out a rant, exercised instead.
This too will pass

[vanillabn]

Nice workout Serine! Mm beach walk sounds amazing... I wish!

Good choice exercising for a bad mood - it's usually the last thing you feel like doing, but it totally helps.

[serinebean]

So I got that accounting/bookkeeping job!!!

I know its mind-numbing work but, hey, cash money be cash money in my pocket! A HUGE bonus is that I can take Lil Bit with me to work. This particular task is confidential, and has to be done via her personal computers. Other work can be done from my own home.

It pays to stick your neck out there and ask. I feel VERY lucky to be able to stay with my kiddo and earn my keep.

I am concerned about her staying entertained while I work, and how that will reflect in my hours. I may just tell her to pay me per amount of work vs per hour in order to be fair.

So I wont be in here much anymore. I just wont have time.

I may try a once a week update.

[Megin]

So I got that accounting/bookkeeping job!!!

CONGRATS !!!!
Thats awesome, Beans - good on you

Man .. I am so stinkin' proud of you and all you are doing over there. Its wonderful to watch
Update when you can - but don't stress yourself on anything. You can always reach by phone / text if you need anything

[vanillabn]

Congrats Serine!! That's so awesome to hear!

That's SO amazing that you can take lil Bean to work That will be so nice! You'll get to spend time with her AND work... best of both worlds

[tina722]

Finally saying hello, been reading for a bit. Glad to have you back... and glad to see all the good stuff happening. plus lil Bean, is soo exciting!

Working out when pissed off is hard, but usually translate to something good.

[serinebean]

Hiya ladies! and lurker Phattso

Chopping wood counts as a workout. Recovering from said workout is a workout.

I wish I could come in here and say I was consistent in something, but I haven't been.

I still eat sugar, and bread, and pasta, and cheese...and eat with my in-laws when they are kind enough to cook us dinner. I have the body to prove it.

It is weird to be at pre baby weight, but have a legit muffin top when putting on my old jeans. It seems to be the place all of my fat went.

^^^I wish that was more motivating.

However, I get so busy doing things around the house, or keeping up with friends/family, that I run out of time....or, more accurately, run out of 'care'. And I am not sure how I feel about this.

This mindset changes daily. Especially when I go shopping for clothes. But, still, that person I used to be isn't to be found. I cant tell if its recovery, or complacency.

This week we had fathers day bbq, a tree removed, had to call company to have them come back and properly remove the rest of it, try to sell the wood, pick up chain saw from uncle to do hard core yard work, 4 dump runs, infinite loads of laundry, baby intervals in all of this, hubs had his car break down, drove an hour out to pick up kiddo clothes and worked on the car last night...not getting home till 11, paying bills, ushering hubs to doctors apt, joining a credit union, e mailing profs to explain that I am not returning, working on job schedule, pending pick up of jumpers for kiddo today, Friday is with friend, supposed to go to a graduation to day and a bday dinner on sat...having a dude come cut up wood on sunday, along with 3 yards of mulch....and Im spinning. Ps. SIL wants me to sell omnitrion with her, and I didn't get the paper route job

Positive thoughts:
Its all a part of the greater whole.
Kiddo laughs
Progress.
Humility.

[vanessa40]

Wow i am tired just reading that..lol

When Brittany was a baby i am not sure i would have had the energy to do what i do now..the running,lifting,yoga. Children take a lot of time and energy.
I remember when she was about 3 or 4 i was into the workout video's and she would dance around..it was so funny. I was so big back then that all i could do was Richard Simmon's Sweating To The Oldies~ It's ok you can laugh ~ I still remember her shaking her butt singing Big Girls Don't Cry ...lol

Just do what you can when you can..enjoy your time with her..they grow up so fast. It seems like yesterday when mine was a baby and now she will be 26 in August with a life of her own..she is coming to visit next week to keep me company when Steve goes to visit his mom..that will be nice to have some fun time with her..

Love your positive thoughts and the pics you post of FB

[serinebean]

Wow i am tired just reading that..lol

When Brittany was a baby i am not sure i would have had the energy to do what i do now..the running,lifting,yoga. Children take a lot of time and energy.
I remember when she was about 3 or 4 i was into the workout video's and she would dance around..it was so funny. I was so big back then that all i could do was Richard Simmon's Sweating To The Oldies~ It's ok you can laugh ~ I still remember her shaking her butt singing Big Girls Don't Cry ...lol

Just do what you can when you can..enjoy your time with her..they grow up so fast. It seems like yesterday when mine was a baby and now she will be 26 in August with a life of her own..she is coming to visit next week to keep me company when Steve goes to visit his mom..that will be nice to have some fun time with her..

Love your positive thoughts and the pics you post of FB

Okay, first things first. Richard S. is the bomb.com. I LOVE him. My mom and I did his workouts when I was little too, and I feel it installed my urge to workout (unless I am flying off the handle). Even then I still try to be incidentally active.
Ps. His shots....oh yeah, work. it.

I hear ya...just been getting crap from all angles these days....from family and neighbors. Snide comments about how lucky I am to have this much time with her, or how I really don't have the option to be a stay at home mom.

At first I was angry. Then I decided to step back and assess this situation.

Everyone has an opinion. No one is in my shoes, nor can they fully comprehend my situation. Therefore, they have no real business being up in my life.

Then I was still irked. Ugh.

[serinebean]

moved 3 yards of mulch
then 2 yards top soil
did so while juggling the needs of a bossy 4 month old.

Walked Chambers Bay too.

That will do, pig, that will do...

Positives:
At least I am able to view conflict from different angles. I still have a long way to go, as in not trying to avoid it altogether...but its a start.
Been with my hubs for over 12 years now, and I love the life we have.
All comments aside, I am proud of us. We work hard, and always have. And have overcome more than our fair share of adversity. We are gristle.

[vanessa40]

I hear you on the comments..my fave was " You are so lucky to be able to stay home with her..we just could not afford it and i think i would go crazy JUST SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY..
Really "just sitting"...i wanted to say Honey i don't know about your child or your life but i was never just sitting..then again the one lady i speak of her mother lived with her so she had live in help..she did not have to pay anyone to watch her son..but then again if your mother lives with you you might be paying in blood and mental stress...lol

I loved the video you posted yesterday..she is cute....that made my night..i so miss when Brittany was that small
Sounds like you are having a busy weekend...and i am happy to hear i am not the only Richard fan left

[serinebean]

I hear you on the comments..my fave was " You are so lucky to be able to stay home with her..we just could not afford it and i think i would go crazy JUST SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY..
Really "just sitting"...i wanted to say Honey i don't know about your child or your life but i was never just sitting..then again the one lady i speak of her mother lived with her so she had live in help..she did not have to pay anyone to watch her son..but then again if your mother lives with you you might be paying in blood and mental stress...lol

I loved the video you posted yesterday..she is cute....that made my night..i so miss when Brittany was that small
Sounds like you are having a busy weekend...and i am happy to hear i am not the only Richard fan left

What do I do all day? The same thing you PAY someone else to do all day because you cant have a job job and juggle a kid. *Can be done, but its a)not generally allowed b)distracting.

The second you become a mother, it seems, the whole world is allowed a say on your life choices. Guess what? She is health, happy, and so am I.

I also learned that I am an Attachment Parent. Ha. Not even aware that that was a 'thing' to be. Just made sense to do things off of instinct, and not from some book. If I raise a serial killer because I wear her in a moby wrap, and don't let her cry it out, or bend my day around her schedule...well, oups...sorry.

Today was more yard work. Shopping, and cleaning. Feels like I am always cleaning and nothing stays clean. Piss.

Positives: I live by example.

Other thoughts:
SIL is getting my mil on those stupid Omni drops.

I had to hear them talk about diets and weight loss BEFORE dinner was served. It triggered the hell out of me. I wanted to get up an leave. Even after being ED free (give or take a few slips) for 8 years...youd think Id be past that.

But I sat there....with my baby pouch...feeling ugly and fat...and I wish all of my mental skills could wash that away.

Positive pt2 because Im crazy:
I am able to eat healthy and exercise and obtain a body that is fit and healthy. Its not a race. I am not fat. I am enough as is.

[vanessa40]

It's terrible the way women are judged..and sad to say most of the time it is by other women. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't...
I never read any of those books when Brittany was little..i remember someone telling me i should read some book by a guy..i am thinking why would i read a book by a man on how i should be a mother...anyway...lol

I have never heard of Omni drops...i am sure it's not worth the money.. I hate to hear the way the were talking made you feel bad. People seem to have no filter nowadays..they just say whatever and could careless if they hurt anyones feelings..

You are a beautiful person and have a lovely girl..i know i have seen the pictures
Don't let anyone bring you down..

[Megin]

I had to hear them talk about diets and weight loss BEFORE dinner was served. It triggered the hell out of me. I wanted to get up an leave. Even after being ED free (give or take a few slips) for 8 years...youd think Id be past that.

I get that .. really .. I do
And I am sorry you had to experience that the other night. It really sucks, doesn't it?

I'm not sure they triggers ever go away.. but they do dull in intensity .. and they are less frequent - you know that
But when they hit.. they hit .. and it SUCKS



Good to hear you working through it

Seems the " 'everyone' thinks I should " still really bothers you in life
Keep talking through it - until that too dulls in intensity and bothers you less frequently

[serinebean]

20 min walk with 5 hill 'intervals'.
total of 50 squats + 5 pauses, 50 pushups, & 50 crunches *engaging that pilates 'nest' as I did so.

**Add in some pilates windmills, 5 sets till failure. I totally lack grace with these haha!

Positive thoughts:
teething is temporary

[vanillabn]

Sorry to hear about the dinner the other night, and what you had to listen to. That's so frustrating... and I can only imagine that even though you have been ED free for many years, it's still tough.

The second you become a mother, it seems, the whole world is allowed a say on your life choices. Guess what? She is health, happy, and so am I.

Absolutely... while I'm not a mother, many of my friends are mothers and it can be frustrating even for me to hear snide remarks, comments, judgements on someone else's choices, lifestyle, decisions and basically everything. I don't understand it. Your last sentence really is the point. She is happy, healthy and so are you. That's ALL that matters. Someone else is always going to have an opinion on everything you're doing wrong or how they would make different choices. I can't imagine your frustration because it even irks me, and I don't have kids yet!! lol.

[serinebean]

It's terrible the way women are judged..and sad to say most of the time it is by other women. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't...
I never read any of those books when Brittany was little..i remember someone telling me i should read some book by a guy..i am thinking why would i read a book by a man on how i should be a mother...anyway...lol

I have never heard of Omni drops...i am sure it's not worth the money.. I hate to hear the way the were talking made you feel bad. People seem to have no filter nowadays..they just say whatever and could careless if they hurt anyones feelings..

You are a beautiful person and have a lovely girl..i know i have seen the pictures
Don't let anyone bring you down..

Women are brutal lol.

I hear you on the books. Every one has a book for you to read.

I don't think they mean for me to feel bad. They never offered me any haha! I just hate diet talk when I am about to eat. And my MIL will say things to her daughter after dessert about a diet that lets you *gasp* eat chocolate and lose weight.

What pisses me off royal is how fast they are to brush off my common sense advice. Because I am not a doctor my knowledge is not valid. This area is what I studied in school, and has been a HUGH part of my life. I know a thing or two.

Ask MIL why she doesn't go back to weight watchers, and she says they changed it up and it wasn't working for her. Later on she says how she slipped up and started eating fries and candy again...so its not WW its her eating habits. I made her realize what she just admitted to, but she was still dead set on this idiotic diet.

Which is why I want nothing more to do with this world. I need a job that is as far away from my passion as possible. You know? <--this will change tomorrow, Im sure

I get that .. really .. I do
And I am sorry you had to experience that the other night. It really sucks, doesn't it?

I'm not sure they triggers ever go away.. but they do dull in intensity .. and they are less frequent - you know that
But when they hit.. they hit .. and it SUCKS



Good to hear you working through it :

Seems the " 'everyone' thinks I should " still really bothers you in life
Keep talking through it - until that too dulls in intensity and bothers you less frequently

It does suck. A lot of the trigger came from my body consciousness...I am not sporting my pre baby abs, and I haven't really tried. So it might be me feeling guilty or lazy? Im not sure what it triggered, but it did suck. Working through the suck is good.

As for what others think. That's a big one for me. Probably bigger that the whole ED issue above. That need to please others still lingers.

I do feel it is harsher out here in GH. People are more liberated to get up in your business and openly criticize you. I haven't had a lot of experience standing my ground (family aside, but I was REALLY pushed, and it was a matter of self preservation). My mother was always very passive "kill em with kindness" kind of motto. But if you never stick your ground, you give too much of you away to others.

I am working on this. It is hard not to feel hurt. It is hard to feel unwelcomed and not part of the club, you know?

As you know, I keep getting back up and going despite my feelings, and that counts for something.