How did I get here again?!

[mblewett]

I wanted to come here just to dump my ramblings and internal struggles. If anyone reads, Thank you. If you check my profile you can see I did go a long way.

My history:
I struggle with anxiety and am medicated for that, it is stable for the most part. Very rarely do I get an attack now.
Weightwise, I got up to 225 in my 20s due to an abusive relationship. Got fit and felt great! Got into a relationship with an unhealthy person but maintained. We'll they wanted me to support their low carb lifestyle and then started my binge eating problems. He and I started having bedroom issues and I ate more. I am now 178-180 and I hate it. I look at myself with disgust which makes me eat more.

I wanted to come here to post likely daily while I work out my issues. I am looking for a therapist to help with my binge eating as I am so tired of being fat. But can only afford to go about once every 3 months.

I workout about 5 days a week right now. This has been steady for about 2 months now. Before that I was sick or had injuries that kept me from going.

Plan:
Continue my gym going 5 days a week. Right now I do some cardio and I aim for 10K steps when I work from home and 12 when I am at the office.

Food plan: I am digging up my old plan and will pre-plan my meals again. I will post the progress with that as well. I will post once I find that today. I will post here once a day. I will also be posting my personal feelings on myself which are mainly negative. I find that once I actually say them I am surprised and say something nicer to myself. I will post my meals from the previous day as well as the activity.

I do have a fitbit and wear it daily.

Well I will post again tomorrow! When I did well in the past I used to have a journal on another site.

[erica44]

Welcome. This is a great place. I am in a similar boat in terms of trying to "right the ship." The ladies in here are very supportive. What is your goal? Just to lose weight? or do you have other goals?

[mblewett]

My training is as follows: 5 days lifting I will detail that out as I go, I do keep a lifting journal to track my progress. My old plan has 4 days of cardio which I will add in. I have been doing cardio here and there but mainly adding in walking everyday, as my life has become very sedentary, which is why my goal is 10K when I work from home 2-3 days a week.

Yesterday, I was unable to go to the gym. My SO came down with food poisoning, so I helped him. He's feeling much better today and I will be going to the gym. Eating, I was a touch over calories at just over 1800. I did not binge which is great.

My old plan had a low med and high day. I will only be following the high day as the other days are not necessary. P148, C 164, F 40 is what I aim for.

I have to say. I was looking over my old pictures and sometimes it just feels so impossible. I don't want to feel that way. I have an extremely supportive partner. He would do just about anything for me, and he makes me feel like I can do anything when we talk about it. He knows that I feel pretty hopeless sometimes.

So the start of my old plan called for staying on plan for 2 weeks and then I can incorporate a unplanned meal and dessert, cheat but I am just trying to think of that in a more healthy way. In 2 weeks my SO and I have our 2nd anniversary dinner planned. I intend on looking forward to that while I stay on plan. I do plan on a mainly clean approach but it's a stay within your macros approach.

[mblewett]

Welcome. This is a great place. I am in a similar boat in terms of trying to "right the ship." The ladies in here are very supportive. What is your goal? Just to lose weight? or do you have other goals?

I would like to lose fat and work on improving my relationship with food.
Thank you for your reply!

[Fiction2Fitness]

I would like to lose fat and work on improving my relationship with food.
Thank you for your reply!

Those are some good goals. The relationship with food is important but such a challenge for many of us and it's easy to fall into less than healthy viewpoints in particular when trying to lose weight. Good luck to you!

[mblewett]

Wow I waited a bit too long to post. I want to post daily. I forgot I was off work and not available for a couple days. During that time I was entertaining family.

Thursday I did go to the gym and was on target.
Friday also gym and on target.
Saturday, no gym and overate. I was at about 2400 cals. I did track. I made much better choices while I was out. Opting for salads with grilled chicken with oil and vinegar for dressing (which I do actually enjoy, I love veggies and salads) What put me over was plain cheesecake. I did share it and normally I would have my own and pick the worst possible one. It did take restraint to do this but I am proud.
Sunday, was also a bit over and had a mini binge. I stopped before it got too out of hand. Which again I consider a accomplishment.
Monday, no gym was traveling around and had plans. I did hit my food targets though.
Tuesday, gym and hit food targets.

So the food plan is about 1700 cals (P148, C164, F45) I do have it split in about 5 meals in a day and this is what worked for me before and what worked for me (multiple meals that is) althought at that time I didn't have an issue with binging. I actually feel like I am doing well heading toward the positive side of consistency, I know this will take a lot of time. My first therapy appointment isn't for a couple more months.

I have a couple books in queue to help me with the binge eating. I know my triggers and it's loneliness, boredom, when I eat something bad. Not sure what to do about boredom. I likely have more triggers as well, I am trying to identify. I am starting to do some sleuthing to see if CBD supplement can help with the impulse want to feel good thing that binge eating is, however I can't help but wonder if I am looking for a magic cure.

[anandagirl]

Good luck to you! Consistency > Perfection

[mblewett]

Good luck to you! Consistency > Perfection

Thank you! So true! and something I often forget.

[mblewett]

Yesterday was great. Gym check! no overeating, check!

Today my SO and I are celebrating our 2 year anniversary and we are going to an upscale/fine dinning place. Called the Charleston in Baltimore. It's awesome! We are doing 4 courses, dinner. I know this was coming.

Saturday we are taking his Mom and Grandma out for Mothers day. They are very picker eaters and just want to go to Shake Shack! Next to it is a place where I can get a salad and grilled salmon or chicken, So that is what I will do. Next week I am traveling for work and I am not looking forward to it. I am having both lunch and dinner then drinks with the client. It's an overnight trip with about 3-5 hours of driving each day to top that off. The hotel has a gym but I think I will be too busy entertaining the client and the support staff I am bringing from the office. I am trying to not stress about it too much. I have the restaurant for Dinner, I will check the menu and know what my plan is in advance.

[erica44]

Don't stress about the trip. It will just make it worse. I learned that when I was traveling for work for 6 months last year. New place every week. I wasn't having to entertain so I went to the grocery store. But since you will be eating out, like you said, if you know ahead of time and can look at the menu ahead of time, you can already decide, instead of getting there and seeing all the yummy food. You can do this!

[mblewett]

Don't stress about the trip. It will just make it worse. I learned that when I was traveling for work for 6 months last year. New place every week. I wasn't having to entertain so I went to the grocery store. But since you will be eating out, like you said, if you know ahead of time and can look at the menu ahead of time, you can already decide, instead of getting there and seeing all the yummy food. You can do this!

Thank you! I have a plan in place and my SO is so supportive and this support I couldnt honestly cry.

Thank you, thank you!

[mblewett]

So my weekend was nice! We had our anniversary dinner on Thursday night and it was fabulous! we go there every year, such a beautiful and romantic experience.

We spend Friday and Saturday with his mom and grandma, wen't to lunch and the mall. I was able to go to a healthy place and get an amazing salad. All in all I did OK Friday, Saturday.

Sunday was not so great but I didn't binge I overate. I am not beating myself up about it. I am just trying to aim for less guilt, and slowly have more and more healthier/binge free/no over eating days. It's a marathon, I have to remind myself I didn't become a a chubby mess overnight it's not going to get fixed after a week of the gym and week of consistency.

My hotel has a gym so I and aiming to get there at least before I leave on Thursday.