Boyfriend doesn't want me to get muscular...?

[Tony518]

Congrats on your success and dedication.

If there is one person that should be championing your lifestyle change and being your biggest cheerleader it's your significant other. Drawing an imaginary line in the sand when it comes to the fitness category is not only selfish on his part but highlights his insecurities. You and he both need to realize that it's not about him it's about you. You want to be rewarded for your hard work and you should be. It's obvious that you care about him and care about his opinion so I think some reassuring words from you might be in order but is shouldn't be a habit. If he can't accept your new direction then it may be time to evaluate some other areas of your life. Good Luck!

[sy2502]

Just as an extra point as most other stuffs been covered.

What would you expect if you said to a partner, "im going to get really fat, ok?". Health concerns completely aside, If my girlfriend said that to me I'd probably admit to her that if she did that i'd probably not be attracted to her. I'm not attracted to massively fat girls. (FYI i'm talking about actually fat. Not "omg the scales went up 4lbs im huge"). All I'm saying is, "attraction" is fairly unquantifiable, and its certainly not something we can "choose". If you undergo significant physical change, you could expect that maybe the person you're with won't be attracted to the "new you".

I'm sure this isn't relevant just thought i'd bring another angle

Because of how matter of fact about this stuff i am, I've had my gf and even friends think of me as heartless and shallow, but its not the case, at least not in my opinion, i just consider it honesty. If my girlfriend "got fat" i'd probably have to end things, i just couldn't continue to see her as i do now. Sex is important. But im not talking "gained a few pounds", i'm not talking "stress for a few months or years took its toll", i'm talking "gave up caring about her own health". I know my girlfriend well and i'm pretty confident that'll never happen

I get what you are trying to say, but I don't find the analogy fitting. Fist of all, Bikini girls aren't exactly huge for the love of god, have you actually seen them? They look like fit and athletic women. OP is not talking of turning into Iris Kyle. Second, turning really fat is actually bad for your health, while turning fit and healthy seems like a worthy goal. If more women said "I want to be fit and athletic" the world would be a better place than the obese mess it is now. And finally, you turn really fat by sitting on your can stuffing your face, while you turn into a Bikini athlete with hard work and dedication. Now some people think there's something more valuable in hard work than in laziness, I don't know. I know for a fact my husband has a renewed respect and admiration for me as a person after seeing me go through a competition prep, seeing how hard I can work, the sacrifices I am capable of making, my focus and dedication.
So while I get your point that if you want to do a radical physical transformation you should discuss it with your partner, there's transformation and there's transformation, they are not all created equal.

[gnomeimp]

My fiance loves my body on season, off season, high scale number, low scale number....the point is, he loves me, he will always find something about my body to love. When I'm in my off season with a little extra body fat, well, he loves my little extra fluffy chest. When I'm leaned down, he loves my back and booty. If you're boyfriend loves you, he will find something about you to love. I doubt he will be discussed with wherever you take your body. Just embrace what looks good during different stages!

[Artemis00]

Congrats on your success and dedication.

If there is one person that should be championing your lifestyle change and being your biggest cheerleader it's your significant other. Drawing an imaginary line in the sand when it comes to the fitness category is not only selfish on his part but highlights his insecurities. You and he both need to realize that it's not about him it's about you. You want to be rewarded for your hard work and you should be. It's obvious that you care about him and care about his opinion so I think some reassuring words from you might be in order but is shouldn't be a habit. If he can't accept your new direction then it may be time to evaluate some other areas of your life. Good Luck!

I hope you weren't being serious with that statement. If you are in a relationship...it is no longer all about you. If you have that mentality, you shouldn't be be in a relationship.

OPs boyfriend is well within his right to not want his GF to become a figure competitor. As OP is well within her right to pursue figure competition. Hopefully his opinion may change, but if it doesn't...she needs to accept the consequences of her decision. People need to learn to accept others for who they are rather than trying to force someone to change. If OP can't accept that her SO won't be supportive of her figure competition goals...then don't. End the relationship. Stay single, find someone else that will be supportive. Don't try to force him to change...cause if you think about it...how is that fair to him? What makes OPs opinions/feelings/wants/needs more important than his? If they don't align, either find ways to compromise or end it.

[discdoggie]

I hope you weren't being serious with that statement. If you are in a relationship...it is no longer all about you. If you have that mentality, you shouldn't be be in a relationship.

OPs boyfriend is well within his right to not want his GF to become a figure competitor. As OP is well within her right to pursue figure competition. Hopefully his opinion may change, but if it doesn't...she needs to accept the consequences of her decision. People need to learn to accept others for who they are rather than trying to force someone to change. If OP can't accept that her SO won't be supportive of her figure competition goals...then don't. End the relationship. Stay single, find someone else that will be supportive. Don't try to force him to change...cause if you think about it...how is that fair to him? What makes OPs opinions/feelings/wants/needs more important than his? If they don't align, either find ways to compromise or end it.

Yep.

[chamelious]

I get what you are trying to say, but I don't find the analogy fitting. Fist of all, Bikini girls aren't exactly huge for the love of god, have you actually seen them? They look like fit and athletic women. OP is not talking of turning into Iris Kyle. Second, turning really fat is actually bad for your health, while turning fit and healthy seems like a worthy goal. If more women said "I want to be fit and athletic" the world would be a better place than the obese mess it is now. And finally, you turn really fat by sitting on your can stuffing your face, while you turn into a Bikini athlete with hard work and dedication. Now some people think there's something more valuable in hard work than in laziness, I don't know. I know for a fact my husband has a renewed respect and admiration for me as a person after seeing me go through a competition prep, seeing how hard I can work, the sacrifices I am capable of making, my focus and dedication.
So while I get your point that if you want to do a radical physical transformation you should discuss it with your partner, there's transformation and there's transformation, they are not all created equal.

Sorry but you missed the point entirely.

The point was, a transformation of any kind could cause your partner to stop being attracted to you. They didn't choose to be attracted to you, so it wouldn't be their "fault".

[sy2502]

Sorry but you missed the point entirely.

The point was, a transformation of any kind could cause your partner to stop being attracted to you. They didn't choose to be attracted to you, so it wouldn't be their "fault".

I didn't miss the point at all. I said there's transformation and there's transformation. Some transformations are less desirable than others. And some transformations involve a lot more than just the looks. If looks is the only thing her SO cares about, it doesn't sound like the kind of relationship that is going to last.

[Mlunceford10]

Get a new boyfriend. I would never, ever push someone I loved away from doing what the loved. Good luck on your figure comp!

[Mlunceford10]

I just had another thought:

Does your boyfriend realize that you won't look stage-ready all the time? Remind him that you'll be prepping for the show, but except for like a week before and maybe two dfays after, you will not look like those figure ladies do on the stage. You won't always look greased-up and tanned to hell and back, it's seriously only for like a week or so. Most figure girls look totally normal outside competition season. And of course by "normal" I mean "rock-solid smokin' hotbox".

[sy2502]

OP I have another solution for you. Since for women especially if natural is so hard to gain muscle, and so easy to lose it, can't you compromise on you doing ONE Figure competition? Then if your BF doesn't like you, you can always stop lifting heavy for a bit until you lose the muscle, and if he likes it, well, so much better, right?

[MrMakAttack]

OP, your bf is probably just worried about you gaining too much muscle...and I don't blame him. Too much muscle on women (and men) looks unattractive and not natural to many people (myself included). Many guys are afraid that their girls will turn into some cross gendered masculine looking shemale. That is the first thought that pops into their minds. have you shown him pictures of girls who compete in figure? I would be very surprised if he didn't find them attractive.

[Creaso]

Over the last 5 years I've lost 90lbs....Over the summer I discovered weightlifting and now I'm hooked. I am competing in my first bikini comp this spring and plan to do a solid bulk next winter and move on to competing in figure. My boyfriend is ok with me competing in Bikini, since a high degree of muscularity isn't required, but when I mention moving on to figure, he's completely disgusted and unsupportive of the idea. He hates the suits, the shoes, the tan...the body. I've made a huge lifestyle change, and I am REALLY excited to compete. It's really getting me down and I don't know what to do about it.... Any advice??? I'd love to get some opinions!

Get a new boyfriend. He seems insecure.
Supporting you should be his main thing. He loved you fat but he won't love you with a little muscle?
Without being enchanced I don't think a female or a male for that matter can have too much muscle.
Even enhanced I don't think what a person wants to do with their body can be too much. Your life your body. Men are a dime a dozen.

[Broseph82]

I guess I'm lucky too.

My gentleman friend is a skinny little bastard who if it weren't for surfing would get ZERO exercise, but is proud and thinks I'm a badass.

My estranged husband didn't care either, because...well, he just plain old didn't give a **** about anything i did, period.



Either way, no one is EVER gonna tell me what to do or how to look. If they don't like it, adios.

Your gentleman friend? He must have money if he doesn't compare physically.

[discdoggie]

Your gentleman friend? He must have money if he doesn't compare physically.

Alas, no. Not that he told me of, anyway.

[OregonLife]

<----- An admitted male chauvinist ( just ask my wife of 20 years)
when you look drop dead sexy he will come around.

Wut? WHEN she looks drop dead sexy? Have you seen her progress pics? She is already there!

[Sarahe215]

I just had another thought:

Does your boyfriend realize that you won't look stage-ready all the time? Remind him that you'll be prepping for the show, but except for like a week before and maybe two dfays after, you will not look like those figure ladies do on the stage. You won't always look greased-up and tanned to hell and back, it's seriously only for like a week or so. Most figure girls look totally normal outside competition season. And of course by "normal" I mean "rock-solid smokin' hotbox".

I have explained that to him, but I think it's hard for him to imagine, since he's never actually seen a figure competitor in person!

OP I have another solution for you. Since for women especially if natural is so hard to gain muscle, and so easy to lose it, can't you compromise on you doing ONE Figure competition? Then if your BF doesn't like you, you can always stop lifting heavy for a bit until you lose the muscle, and if he likes it, well, so much better, right?

That's a solid suggestion. I am hoping that he will realize that a woman can be both muscular and feminine! We'll see, I suppose. He's getting his way this year, since I'm only doing bikini!

OP, your bf is probably just worried about you gaining too much muscle...and I don't blame him. Too much muscle on women (and men) looks unattractive and not natural to many people (myself included). Many guys are afraid that their girls will turn into some cross gendered masculine looking shemale. That is the first thought that pops into their minds. have you shown him pictures of girls who compete in figure? I would be very surprised if he didn't find them attractive.

I understand that lots of men don't find muscular women attractive. I have showed him plenty of photos of figure competitiors like my dream girl, Candice Keene. He still prefers the Bikini look!

Get a new boyfriend. He seems insecure.
Supporting you should be his main thing. He loved you fat but he won't love you with a little muscle?
Without being enchanced I don't think a female or a male for that matter can have too much muscle.
Even enhanced I don't think what a person wants to do with their body can be too much. Your life your body. Men are a dime a dozen.

Insecurity is DEFINITELY a huge issue here. In fact, it may be the ONLY reason he would be opposed to me being muscular! He's extremely skinny and probably doesn't want me to look more in shape than him. Also, you're right. My life, My body.

Wut? WHEN she looks drop dead sexy? Have you seen her progress pics? She is already there!

Thank you!



I really appreciate everyone's feedback on this. It's been difficult to deal with, and I think he sensed some disappointment/unhappiness on my end and actually started being a tad bit more supportive of the idea. We watched the Arnold's and he did point out that he liked the Bikini girls better than the figure girls, but wasn't completely turned off by the figure ladies. Maybe he's coming around. Only time will tell! Figure prep starts August!

[TJP33]

May be beneficial to inform him better to, lets face it the general public is ignorant when it comes to this- he may think that those girls walk around with lat spreads even in a relaxed state or that's a look they hold year round. Maybe give him a more realistic image of what you may look like by showing him competitors at the local level instead of the IFBB.
I don't think the guy is wrong per say.. Sounds like he's keeping an open line of communication, attempting to being supportive (bodybuilding isn't mainstream, so he might not even know how) and probably lacks the knowledge and his opinion is just based off the general public perception which is very skewed. Your 26, do your thing bring him a long for the ride- chances are he will be your #1 fan come show day.

[megdaig]

May be beneficial to inform him better to, lets face it the general public is ignorant when it comes to this- he may think that those girls walk around with lat spreads even in a relaxed state or that's a look they hold year round. Maybe give him a more realistic image of what you may look like by showing him competitors at the local level instead of the IFBB.
I don't think the guy is wrong per say.. Sounds like he's keeping an open line of communication, attempting to being supportive (bodybuilding isn't mainstream, so he might not even know how) and probably lacks the knowledge and his opinion is just based off the general public perception which is very skewed. Your 26, do your thing bring him a long for the ride- chances are he will be your #1 fan come show day.

Or just show him any picture of Erin Stern in the offseason.

[Cara0915]

I have explained that to him, but I think it's hard for him to imagine, since he's never actually seen a figure competitor in person!



That's a solid suggestion. I am hoping that he will realize that a woman can be both muscular and feminine! We'll see, I suppose. He's getting his way this year, since I'm only doing bikini!



I understand that lots of men don't find muscular women attractive. I have showed him plenty of photos of figure competitiors like my dream girl, Candice Keene. He still prefers the Bikini look!



Insecurity is DEFINITELY a huge issue here. In fact, it may be the ONLY reason he would be opposed to me being muscular! He's extremely skinny and probably doesn't want me to look more in shape than him. Also, you're right. My life, My body.



Thank you!



I really appreciate everyone's feedback on this. It's been difficult to deal with, and I think he sensed some disappointment/unhappiness on my end and actually started being a tad bit more supportive of the idea. We watched the Arnold's and he did point out that he liked the Bikini girls better than the figure girls, but wasn't completely turned off by the figure ladies. Maybe he's coming around. Only time will tell! Figure prep starts August!

Good news is that it'll take you quite a few more years until you have enough muscle for Figure. Which gives your guy (if you're even still together) plenty of time to warm up to the muscled look. It's not like you're going to wake up one morning and all of a sudden be jacked.

Second, tell him to get to the gym himself. Having more muscle is not only more appealing physically but has SO many health benefits, who wants to be a feeble old person who never recovers from a fall? Or can't even open a jar of pickles? Best to start lifting young, it's a helluva lot harder to start later in life

[bigdaddy0381]

Keep doing what you are doing if it makes YOU happy, If your happy he should be happy with and for you. He should be lifting you up and helping you. That is what relationships are about. You both might not always agree on something but if he truly is into you he will support you now matter what he thinks about it if it makes you happy.

[candacejade08]

I would drop him so fast he wouldn't know what hit him... I had one bf just mention that I was getting a little too bulky and he was out the next day. I don't understand why people have to be average. The hard work we put into our bodies takes a lot mentally and physically. Sometimes I feel likes it's more normal for a woman to be overweight that muscular. Drives me crazy.
Reach Your goals. It's your body you control it. Good luck

[SurfBrah69]

Tell your husband that he's an idiot and you have to be taking testosterone to get "too muscular" for a woman


I can tell he's probably never lifted in his life

[Broseph82]

Alas, no. Not that he told me of, anyway.

Big cawk?

[VmissileX]

I usually never post about relationship topics or anything like this but this caught my eye.

One thing, I used to be that kind of douchebag that used to not like some things my girlfriend did, and i tried to restrict it. never ever again am I doing this
I learned from my mistake as this causes so much relationship issues and am never planning on doing it again.


I advice you to do you.

[beowulf10]

Geezus. Stunning transformation OP. Very motivational. I started lifting about 5 months ago. At first my girlfriend was envious of my progress, irritated at the time I spent at the gym, and complained constantly, but now she has a gym membership. I think people who have a passion for lifting view this kind of thing differently so it will take time for your boyfriend to adjust. Sometimes you have to lead, and let your partner follow. Your boyfriend is probably still reeling from the change you've already undergone (assuming you've been with him this entire time). He may just need a little time.

A couple of points for your partner to think about: 1) Your physique can change. You don't have to stay muscular, and 2) More muscle mass means it's more difficult for you to become fat again. What guy can complain about that?

[discdoggie]

Big cawk?

Yes. And he puts up with my ****.

[MEwooding]

I see you have gotten some awesome responses. I just wanted to throw in my two cents because I get where you're coming from. When the now hubs and I started dating, I was just someone who was generally active. As I got into the work force, got a desk job, fitness started becoming more important to me because the consequences of not working out were more drastic. Eventually I found weight lifting after spinning my wheels with cardio for a couple years. I love lifting. I've been lifting for a year now, and I'm beginning to get some slight definition... (well what I consider to be slight definition, haha that's quite subjective.) Hubs has expressed concern about me getting too big/bulky/ or what he thinks of as scary ab definition. I have a couple thoughts on this. The first is that he's expressed that he will support me in all stages of life - if I get pregnant, or gain weight, or even as we age. I love lifting because it makes me feel strong, and empowered. Strong muscles are just an outward expression of that. I figure if he eventually will have to deal with the reality of saggy boobs when I'm 50, or after I have kids, he can deal with the reality of me being a little more cut for a period of time than he would personally prefer. I also did talk to him about it some, reminding him that this is something I work hard for (and he knows that) and that it's important to me, and important to me that he support me. I do take into consideration what he likes in general - and he knows that. However my strength, and my continued strength (that will help me deal with all of lifes changes more gracefully) are going to come first on this count.

[mydreamshape]

He's jealous! Tell him to go lift himself and boost is self-esteem. You look hot girl and he knows it!

[funkygrunt017]

Over the last 5 years I've lost 90lbs....Over the summer I discovered weightlifting and now I'm hooked. I am competing in my first bikini comp this spring and plan to do a solid bulk next winter and move on to competing in figure. My boyfriend is ok with me competing in Bikini, since a high degree of muscularity isn't required, but when I mention moving on to figure, he's completely disgusted and unsupportive of the idea. He hates the suits, the shoes, the tan...the body. I've made a huge lifestyle change, and I am REALLY excited to compete. It's really getting me down and I don't know what to do about it.... Any advice??? I'd love to get some opinions!

Dump him/10. He is a obstacle not a boyfriend.

[HeroesFall]

I like all the "dump him" comments. Because the story we've been presented is enough to make such a decision for someone else. Typical bb'ing.com


OP, how long have you guys been dating? Was he with you before you lost the weight, or during? I'd think someone being there as you are improving yourself is a big deal. If he's brand new, then he hasn't been around long to know your story and what has driven you to this desire/end goal.

Unless you plan on competing in NPC at the figure level, you won't ever really get "muscular". Ask what he envisions as muscular, and then show him some women who compete in these divisions you are targetting in off-season, non-pumped. Sometimes the reason given for not wanting someone to do something is not the actual reason, its the easy one. Maybe he's conservative and doesn't want his girlfriend being oogled by a bunch of people. As much as people might get their back up, the women here know the guys in the IFBB section - the most serious ones into bodybuilding - only usually comment on how hnng the girls are. Very very very few will talk about their lines, shoulder to waist ratio, etc. Its all about the glute spread.


Its your decision what you do. However, when you get into a real relationship you should keep your partner's opinion in mind and under honest consideration. Find out the real reason and go from there. Relationship is about compromise, for both you and him. Its no longer about you, and its not longer about him, its about the both of you. Yes, there needs to be support, but there also needs to be understanding. If someone you care about honestly wants you to not do something and has good reason, you should respect him enough to consider it. Just like if he was going to do something and you asked him not to, it works both ways. Make the right, informed decision for your case, but don't base it off of feedback here. We don't know all the details - and it isn't our business to know. Lifting/being fit is a part of your life, it isn't all that's in your life. Don't make a rash decision over one thing because its what you want now. As much as you can "shop around" for a guy whose into fitness, it doesn't make him perfect in other aspects. Do you get along together, other interests, is he financially mindful, honest, respectful, trustworthy, etc.? Don't take the word from a bunch of "alpha's" whose mantra is, "sloots gonna sloot," and don't believe in making things work.


Good luck - in both your fitness goals and your relationship ones.