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    Registered User Sarahe215's Avatar
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    Thumbs down Boyfriend doesn't want me to get muscular...?

    Over the last 5 years I've lost 90lbs....Over the summer I discovered weightlifting and now I'm hooked. I am competing in my first bikini comp this spring and plan to do a solid bulk next winter and move on to competing in figure. My boyfriend is ok with me competing in Bikini, since a high degree of muscularity isn't required, but when I mention moving on to figure, he's completely disgusted and unsupportive of the idea. He hates the suits, the shoes, the tan...the body. I've made a huge lifestyle change, and I am REALLY excited to compete. It's really getting me down and I don't know what to do about it.... Any advice??? I'd love to get some opinions!
    "I remember certain people trying to put negative thoughts in my mind. Trying to persuade me to slow down. But I had found the thing to which I wanted to devote my total energies and there was no stopping me." - Arnold

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    Registered User sy2502's Avatar
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    When I started lifting, I was buying the various Oxygen and Muscle & Fitness Her magazines, and my husband would look at the models on the cover and say they looked terrible.

    I competed in Figure last Sat and the entire comp prep my husband couldn't stop complimenting me on how good I looked.

    My lesson is that men are biased against women with muscle only on principle, but when they actually do see a muscular and fit woman they forget all their prejudice and like what they see.
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    ☼☼☼ whatevergirl's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahe215 View Post
    Over the last 5 years I've lost 90lbs....Over the summer I discovered weightlifting and now I'm hooked. I am competing in my first bikini comp this spring and plan to do a solid bulk next winter and move on to competing in figure. My boyfriend is ok with me competing in Bikini, since a high degree of muscularity isn't required, but when I mention moving on to figure, he's completely disgusted and unsupportive of the idea. He hates the suits, the shoes, the tan...the body. I've made a huge lifestyle change, and I am REALLY excited to compete. It's really getting me down and I don't know what to do about it.... Any advice??? I'd love to get some opinions!
    Sometimes, what people fear...never comes to pass. I'd try to be understanding of his thoughts, but explain to him, that this is important to you and something you intend on pursuing. He may be turned off by a particular image he has in his mind of figure. As time goes on, watching you be so excited about pursuing your dream, he may change his thinking. I will say, that life is about choices...and if at the end of the day, let's say you pursue figure...and he 'fights' you tooth and nail the entire time...you will have to make a choice. Either go forward with it, and keep fighting, or give up the relationship, and pursue your dream. Life is simple and complex at the same time but if he isn't supportive...you will eventually need to make a choice.

    As a relevant aside, I went to an ifbb show two years ago, and it was an amazing experience. What I noticed that was really cool, was that for those up on stage who were in relationships, their SO's were really cheering for them in the audience. It was just awesome to see such support for both the men and women, by people who love them.

    I don't want to say 'if you love someone you'll just be supportive no matter what,' because your boyfriend's opinions do matter here, as well. But...there's something to be said about having someone support you through your endeavors in life, almost effortlessly. And you support his, in the same way. When that component of a relationship is lacking, it can make for a tough time together. That's true of all things certainly, not just this sport.

    I would just talk with him, tell him your views. If you choose to move onto figure, and your bf is really negative and against you...you sadly will have to make a choice.

    I hope that he comes around, and supports you. That would be the most awesome thing to happen! Good luck on your journey!

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    Registered User Sarahe215's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sy2502 View Post
    When I started lifting, I was buying the various Oxygen and Muscle & Fitness Her magazines, and my husband would look at the models on the cover and say they looked terrible.

    I competed in Figure last Sat and the entire comp prep my husband couldn't stop complimenting me on how good I looked.

    My lesson is that men are biased against women with muscle only on principle, but when they actually do see a muscular and fit woman they forget all their prejudice and like what they see.
    I'm really hoping that this is how things turn out for me as well! Initially, he was hesitant to support my competing in bikini, thinking that I'd get too muscular. But now, he seems to really love the way I look. Thanks for the reply! Definitely helped ease my anxiety. <3

    Originally Posted by whatevergirl View Post
    Sometimes, what people fear...never comes to pass. I'd try to be understanding of his thoughts, but explain to him, that this is important to you and something you intend on pursuing. He may be turned off by a particular image he has in his mind of figure. As time goes on, watching you be so excited about pursuing your dream, he may change his thinking. I will say, that life is about choices...and if at the end of the day, let's say you pursue figure...and he 'fights' you tooth and nail the entire time...you will have to make a choice. Either go forward with it, and keep fighting, or give up the relationship, and pursue your dream. Life is simple and complex at the same time but if he isn't supportive...you will eventually need to make a choice.

    As a relevant aside, I went to an ifbb show two years ago, and it was an amazing experience. What I noticed that was really cool, was that for those up on stage who were in relationships, their SO's were really cheering for them in the audience. It was just awesome to see such support for both the men and women, by people who love them.

    I don't want to say 'if you love someone you'll just be supportive no matter what,' because your boyfriend's opinions do matter here, as well. But...there's something to be said about having someone support you through your endeavors in life, almost effortlessly. And you support his, in the same way. When that component of a relationship is lacking, it can make for a tough time together. That's true of all things certainly, not just this sport.

    I would just talk with him, tell him your views. If you choose to move onto figure, and your bf is really negative and against you...you sadly will have to make a choice.

    I hope that he comes around, and supports you. That would be the most awesome thing to happen! Good luck on your journey!

    Thanks so much for replying. You're totally right. I need to have a serious discussion about this with him. I agree, supporting your significant other should be effortless! It shouldn't be a struggle like this.

    I really hope he comes around too...because if it comes down to it, I'm the most important person to me...and I need to do what makes me happy and what's best for me in the long run. It's also difficult when so many other people in my life are showing SO much support and excitement about my competing. I always thought that the people closest to me would be the ones to show this support...not total strangers. Sigh.
    "I remember certain people trying to put negative thoughts in my mind. Trying to persuade me to slow down. But I had found the thing to which I wanted to devote my total energies and there was no stopping me." - Arnold

  5. #5
    Registered User sy2502's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahe215 View Post
    I'm really hoping that this is how things turn out for me as well! Initially, he was hesitant to support my competing in bikini, thinking that I'd get too muscular. But now, he seems to really love the way I look. Thanks for the reply! Definitely helped ease my anxiety. <3




    Thanks so much for replying. You're totally right. I need to have a serious discussion about this with him. I agree, supporting your significant other should be effortless! It shouldn't be a struggle like this.

    I really hope he comes around too...because if it comes down to it, I'm the most important person to me...and I need to do what makes me happy and what's best for me in the long run. It's also difficult when so many other people in my life are showing SO much support and excitement about my competing. I always thought that the people closest to me would be the ones to show this support...not total strangers. Sigh.
    I don't know how serious your relationship is, but keep in mind eventually you will marry somebody you want to have around the rest of your life. In that "rest of your life" time, you may undergo all sorts of physical changes, you may get pregnant and get stretch marks and saggy boobs, you may have accidents and gain scars or burns or you may have surgery, and eventually you'll get old and wrinkly. Your significant other needs to be the kind of person that sticks around for all of the above. I'd imagine that if he'd stick around for ugly and permanent physical changes like stretch marks, scars, and wrinkles, he shouldn't have a problem with positive changes, like muscle, which you can always lose if you don't like it.
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    Registered User Mystery105's Avatar
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    Ok, I'm going to be blunt here. YOU live in your body, YOU have goals, YOU have to make yourself happy because you live in your body 24/7, not your bf. I think you can hear what he's saying, but I really dont think you should put any weight into his opinion. What happens if you have a baby & gain 50 pounds? What if 15 years from now you guys split and you did what he wanted, not what YOU wanted? How horrible is that going to feel?

    You have goals and dreams, don't abandon them for anyone-ever.

    On a side note, it's been my experience that strangers do support big things more than those close to us, mainly because those close to us have fear. He may fear you will find someone hotter than him, more into fitness than him, or maybe he is afraid of living in your shadow. Whatever the case is, he needs to get over it & love & support you. We have your back & I'm guessing most women here could kick his butt (that was to make you laugh)

    Keep chasing your goals, babe, it's up to him whether he wants to be left in your dust or run next to you cheering you on.

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    ☼☼☼ whatevergirl's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahe215 View Post
    I'm really hoping that this is how things turn out for me as well! Initially, he was hesitant to support my competing in bikini, thinking that I'd get too muscular. But now, he seems to really love the way I look. Thanks for the reply! Definitely helped ease my anxiety. <3




    Thanks so much for replying. You're totally right. I need to have a serious discussion about this with him. I agree, supporting your significant other should be effortless! It shouldn't be a struggle like this.

    I really hope he comes around too...because if it comes down to it, I'm the most important person to me...and I need to do what makes me happy and what's best for me in the long run. It's also difficult when so many other people in my life are showing SO much support and excitement about my competing. I always thought that the people closest to me would be the ones to show this support...not total strangers. Sigh.
    Seeing your comment to sy above, inclines me to feeling hopeful for you, with your situation. Again, what he 'fears' may just be all conjured up in his head, and when you actually go through training for figure, he may come away feeling foolish for feeling against it. But, if he has issues with it, this might help him grow, sacrificing his own wants for what you want. You're not asking for the moon. lol I hope it all works out.

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    Time to eat yet? CajunSpecial's Avatar
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    I think it's important to remember that what you see on stage for figure comps is not how these women look on an everyday basis. They are very lean and often depleted of water to make muscles pop. One a regular Monday dressed in regular clothing, they just look like a woman with a fantastic figure.

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    Focus on yourself kimm4's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CajunSpecial View Post
    I think it's important to remember that what you see on stage for figure comps is not how these women look on an everyday basis. They are very lean and often depleted of water to make muscles pop. One a regular Monday dressed in regular clothing, they just look like a woman with a fantastic figure.
    Exactly, the look achieved for the stage is for one day only.

    If you're hitting the bikini stage, he'll obviously be going to your show. He'll be able to see for himself what an actual figure girl looks like. In all honesty at your stats (being taller) you'll never get too muscular as a natural competitor. Taller girls have more space to fill and it's not an easy task.
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    Registered User Sarahe215's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    Originally Posted by kimm4 View Post
    Exactly, the look achieved for the stage is for one day only.

    If you're hitting the bikini stage, he'll obviously be going to your show. He'll be able to see for himself what an actual figure girl looks like. In all honesty at your stats (being taller) you'll never get too muscular as a natural competitor. Taller girls have more space to fill and it's not an easy task.
    I've definitely explained to him that figure competitors don't like year round how the look on stage. He doesn't seem to understand that, unfortunately.

    Definitely looking forward to him coming to my show in May and seeing up close what these women look like. How amazing they look and how they remain femenine despite being muscular. I'm shocked that he's lumped into that group of people who think that lifting weight makes women "bulky." UGH.

    I'm definitely going to do what I want, regardless of what he things. As selfish as that may sound, I've wasted a lot of time trying to make other people happy and now's the time for me to make ME happy. What would make me happy would be to have some serious delts and a killer 6 pack..haha.

    I never really thought about how he might be afraid that I'm going to find someone who might be more into the lifestyle that I'm into, or that he might fear living in my shadow. That's a really good point to consider and I will definitely try to be sensetive to that when we have this discussion.

    Thank you to all the ladies who replied. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your insight.
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    Registered User Sarahe215's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mystery105 View Post
    Ok, I'm going to be blunt here. YOU live in your body, YOU have goals, YOU have to make yourself happy because you live in your body 24/7, not your bf. I think you can hear what he's saying, but I really dont think you should put any weight into his opinion. What happens if you have a baby & gain 50 pounds? What if 15 years from now you guys split and you did what he wanted, not what YOU wanted? How horrible is that going to feel?

    You have goals and dreams, don't abandon them for anyone-ever.

    On a side note, it's been my experience that strangers do support big things more than those close to us, mainly because those close to us have fear. He may fear you will find someone hotter than him, more into fitness than him, or maybe he is afraid of living in your shadow. Whatever the case is, he needs to get over it & love & support you. We have your back & I'm guessing most women here could kick his butt (that was to make you laugh)

    Keep chasing your goals, babe, it's up to him whether he wants to be left in your dust or run next to you cheering you on.
    ^^ needed to hear this.
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    ☼☼☼ whatevergirl's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahe215 View Post
    I'm definitely going to do what I want, regardless of what he things. As selfish as that may sound, I've wasted a lot of time trying to make other people happy and now's the time for me to make ME happy. What would make me happy would be to have some serious delts and a killer 6 pack..haha.
    You're not being selfish, I think it's perfectly fine to have goals and wish to achieve them. It would really make you happy if he joined in your enthusiasm...nothing to feel bad about. Just sayin.

    I never really thought about how he might be afraid that I'm going to find someone who might be more into the lifestyle that I'm into, or that he might fear living in my shadow. That's a really good point to consider and I will definitely try to be sensetive to that when we have this discussion.
    I wondered if there might be 'more' to it, than meets the eye. Well...you seem to be very caring, so hopefully ...he'll see your POV, and you can help to remove any issues he may have about it all. Good luck to you!

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    <----- An admitted male chauvinist ( just ask my wife of 20 years)

    If your boyfriend doesn't support your dreams, then he doesn't really support you, as our dreams are what mold us into who we are. If this is the case then drop him like a hot rock. HOWEVER if this just a misunderstanding, meaning he doesn't get it, then give it a little time and I am sure when you look drop dead sexy he will come around.
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    Originally Posted by sy2502 View Post
    When I started lifting, I was buying the various Oxygen and Muscle & Fitness Her magazines, and my husband would look at the models on the cover and say they looked terrible.

    I competed in Figure last Sat and the entire comp prep my husband couldn't stop complimenting me on how good I looked.

    My lesson is that men are biased against women with muscle only on principle, but when they actually do see a muscular and fit woman they forget all their prejudice and like what they see.

    100% agreed! Not from personal experience b/c I am not that muscular but from men I know complimenting other women who are very defined.
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    Up to you. I have my preferences and your boyfriend has his. It just depends whether you feel strongly enough that it's worth it or not. Sometimes little things to me might be a big deal to my wife, or vice versa. For example, she hates facial hair. Does that mean I divorce her cause I want to grow a mustache? Or maybe facial hair (a big thing to her, little thing to me) is something I can easily compromise and just not grow to keep her happy.

    It's up to you. Maybe you'll be fine with bikini. Maybe you'll start working out and growing some muscles and your boyfriend will find out he's fine with it. or maybe you'll grow some muscles and he'll start saying that he's less attracted to you. THen you just have to decide. Are you ok with carrying a little bodyfat but still being in bikini shape or is muscle worth the fighting or breakup? Up to you.

    Alexi

    PS - Remember, in the grand scheme of things, he is a BOYFRIEND. not a HUSBAND you have built a life together with and vowed to be with in sickness and health, richer or poorer. There's only so much comprimising I would do in a relationship, if it wasn't a marriage. And to ME, even in a marriage, there are limits.
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    When i started my hubby said the same thing, he didnt want me getting all musclely he didnt want me getting big, yadda yadda...
    Once he saw how hard it is to actually put on muscle... he stopped saying that. He doesnt really like me competeing but its more the money issue than anything, competing is expensive (and all my hobbies tend to be ) We had to compromise on that.

    He has said he also likes the bikini look and not so much the figure look, but he is the first one to push me on the weights and tell me to go heavier.
    personally i think you need to figure out if this is going to be a hobby for you or if you are going to make it "life". If you are only going to do a few shows here and there and figure is where you heart is, then let him know and work it out. If you think this is going to be something you base your life on, i mean competeing, achieving the look, fitness modeling, etc.. then you need to let him know that is the direction you want to go in and if he can take it. You both will need to figure out what you can and cant deal with in the relationship.

    For me, this is a hobby.. im working for a look i want to live with.. competing is just the "spice" of it all. Im pretty sure my hubby will tell me if he thinks i am getting to big (and i dont think that point will come)..so far he has had no complaints
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  17. #17
    Focus on yourself kimm4's Avatar
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    I guess I was pretty lucky. I met my now husband in the gym and he was a retired competitor. He's the one who got me into competing.
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    I guess I'm lucky too.

    My gentleman friend is a skinny little bastard who if it weren't for surfing would get ZERO exercise, but is proud and thinks I'm a badass.

    My estranged husband didn't care either, because...well, he just plain old didn't give a **** about anything i did, period.



    Either way, no one is EVER gonna tell me what to do or how to look. If they don't like it, adios.
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    WOW great transformation keep up the great work. Do it for you no one else.

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    Originally Posted by rockangel View Post
    When i started my hubby said the same thing, he didnt want me getting all musclely he didnt want me getting big, yadda yadda...
    Once he saw how hard it is to actually put on muscle... he stopped saying that. He doesnt really like me competeing but its more the money issue than anything, competing is expensive (and all my hobbies tend to be ) We had to compromise on that.

    He has said he also likes the bikini look and not so much the figure look, but he is the first one to push me on the weights and tell me to go heavier.
    personally i think you need to figure out if this is going to be a hobby for you or if you are going to make it "life". If you are only going to do a few shows here and there and figure is where you heart is, then let him know and work it out. If you think this is going to be something you base your life on, i mean competeing, achieving the look, fitness modeling, etc.. then you need to let him know that is the direction you want to go in and if he can take it. You both will need to figure out what you can and cant deal with in the relationship.

    For me, this is a hobby.. im working for a look i want to live with.. competing is just the "spice" of it all. Im pretty sure my hubby will tell me if he thinks i am getting to big (and i dont think that point will come)..so far he has had no complaints
    I definitely want competing to be a huge part of my life! Which is why I think I'm taking his distate for muscular ladies so seriously. Fingers crossed that whey I eventually do have some more muscle on my frame, that he'll change his opinion!

    Oh, and heck yea...competing is expensive! I just got my prep diet from my coach and HOLY CRAP....SO MUCH MEAT. haha...I'm eating 6-7 times a day and breaking the bank while I'm at it!.

    Originally Posted by kimm4 View Post
    I guess I was pretty lucky. I met my now husband in the gym and he was a retired competitor. He's the one who got me into competing.
    You are lucky!! That's really nice and it must be great that you both share that same interest! I'm hoping my man will come around, or I might end up finding myself on the personals section of the forums..Hah!
    "I remember certain people trying to put negative thoughts in my mind. Trying to persuade me to slow down. But I had found the thing to which I wanted to devote my total energies and there was no stopping me." - Arnold

  21. #21
    achieved bro status discdoggie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahe215 View Post
    You are lucky!! That's really nice and it must be great that you both share that same interest! I'm hoping my man will come around, or I might end up finding myself on the personals section of the forums..Hah!
    NO. Just...no. You'd be better off trolling your local gym.
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  22. #22
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    just read the title.
    DUMP HIM.

  23. #23
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    I wanted to add, not because there's anything wrong with on-line personals per se. I just tend to suspect many there don't even lift. By that logic, you may as just well stick with your current boyfriend.
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  24. #24
    Registered User sy2502's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahe215 View Post
    I'm hoping my man will come around, or I might end up finding myself on the personals section of the forums..Hah!
    Whatever you do,


    DO NOT GO TO THE GENERAL MISC OR THE PERSONALS.

    Just don't.
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  25. #25
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    Not sure which forum I'm in (mobile), but if he doesn't support your ambitions why have him around? He's obviously insecure and it will only get worse the more you compete. Find someone who supports what you want especially when it comes to your body, health, and desires.

  26. #26
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    Originally Posted by discdoggie View Post
    I wanted to add, not because there's anything wrong with on-line personals per se. I just tend to suspect many there don't even lift. By that logic, you may as just well stick with your current boyfriend.
    Originally Posted by sy2502 View Post
    Whatever you do,


    DO NOT GO TO THE GENERAL MISC OR THE PERSONALS.

    Just don't.
    Haha..Don't worry, I was only kidding. There are plenty of meaty men at my gym that I'd approach before resorting to anything like that! I can only imagine what goes on in those forums...
    "I remember certain people trying to put negative thoughts in my mind. Trying to persuade me to slow down. But I had found the thing to which I wanted to devote my total energies and there was no stopping me." - Arnold

  27. #27
    Registered User sy2502's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahe215 View Post
    Haha..Don't worry, I was only kidding. There are plenty of meaty men at my gym that I'd approach before resorting to anything like that! I can only imagine what goes on in those forums...
    Yeah, the fact a guy is a meathead doesn't necessarily mean they want their woman to be one too.
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  28. #28
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    Originally Posted by sy2502 View Post
    Yeah, the fact a guy is a meathead doesn't necessarily mean they want their woman to be one too.
    Thats true. Good men are hard to come by. (Which is why I'm hoping that I won't have to find a new one!)
    "I remember certain people trying to put negative thoughts in my mind. Trying to persuade me to slow down. But I had found the thing to which I wanted to devote my total energies and there was no stopping me." - Arnold

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    Do what makes you happy!!..If he can't accept that too bad so sad!..I know easier said than done but what if it doesn't workout in the future then you will always wondered what if.. Don't put aside your goals for someone if they love you, they will support you all the way through!
    Good luck hun! you are beautiful

  30. #30
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    Just as an extra point as most other stuffs been covered.

    What would you expect if you said to a partner, "im going to get really fat, ok?". Health concerns completely aside, If my girlfriend said that to me I'd probably admit to her that if she did that i'd probably not be attracted to her. I'm not attracted to massively fat girls. (FYI i'm talking about actually fat. Not "omg the scales went up 4lbs im huge"). All I'm saying is, "attraction" is fairly unquantifiable, and its certainly not something we can "choose". If you undergo significant physical change, you could expect that maybe the person you're with won't be attracted to the "new you".

    I'm sure this isn't relevant just thought i'd bring another angle

    Because of how matter of fact about this stuff i am, I've had my gf and even friends think of me as heartless and shallow, but its not the case, at least not in my opinion, i just consider it honesty. If my girlfriend "got fat" i'd probably have to end things, i just couldn't continue to see her as i do now. Sex is important. But im not talking "gained a few pounds", i'm not talking "stress for a few months or years took its toll", i'm talking "gave up caring about her own health". I know my girlfriend well and i'm pretty confident that'll never happen

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