*FACEPALM* Look what showed up in my mailbox yesterday.

**jdtemple** · 03-02-2012, 05:44 AM

I won't even post a link to it; it is that ridiculous.

My wife ordered up a "Body By Vi 90 Day Challenge" kit. I wasn't even aware that she was doing it. She didn't say a word to me, probably because she doesn't want to hear me say "eat right and lift heavy things" for the thousandth time.

The only clue I got was a few days before it arrived, she put this up on her ******** page:

"I have joined the 90 day challenge! My goal is to lose 20 pounds."

Not one word was said to me. She even started using the kit right there in front of me and said nothing. I don't even ask, because I can't keep my mouth shut.

I don't care about the money, although I know she's wasting her time. I wish she'd just listen to me and go do some work.

She has also spent hundreds of dollars on these group trainer sessions at the YMCA. I met the trainer and he's a skinnyfat mess. All I've ever seen them do is walk on the treadmills. The might use some of the weight machines, but based on the conversations I've had with my wife, they aren't lifting anything heavy.

Her diet sucks. My 5 year old son eats better than she does. Chips and cereal are her main staples.

Her training sessions are on Tuesday & Thursday. This week, we had this conversation:

me: "Are you training tonight?"

her: "Training is over."

me: "Are you working out tonight?"

her: <bertstare>

her: "It's National Pancake Day!"

me: "Oh really? Are you going to celebrate?"

her: "I think I'll go to IHOP!"

me: <facepalm>

me: "Ok, have fun. I'm going to lift."

She is probably sick of hearing me tell her how to do things the right way. I don't blame her. But, she's wasting our time and money doing this crap.

For the record, we were both overweight when we met. I made the move to get into shape about 4 months before our wedding. She gained weight. It can be very frustrating for me. I know she is sick of being overweight. But, at the same time, she's unwilling to do what it takes to fix it.

**ljimd** · 03-02-2012, 05:56 AM

That's funny. Don't feel bad jd, I've gone through the same thing for years and probably thousands of $$$$. Just let it go. We all have to learn in our own time. Best thing you can do is be supportive and helpful. Lead by example, eventually she will see the light, hopefully.

**sok454** · 03-02-2012, 06:29 AM

Originally Posted by jdtemple

I won't even post a link to it; it is that ridiculous.

My wife ordered up a "Body By Vi 90 Day Challenge" kit. I wasn't even aware that she was doing it. She didn't say a word to me, probably because she doesn't want to hear me say "eat right and lift heavy things" for the thousandth time.

The only clue I got was a few days before it arrived, she put this up on her ******** page:

"I have joined the 90 day challenge! My goal is to lose 20 pounds."

Not one word was said to me. She even started using the kit right there in front of me and said nothing. I don't even ask, because I can't keep my mouth shut.

I don't care about the money, although I know she's wasting her time. I wish she'd just listen to me and go do some work.

She has also spent hundreds of dollars on these group trainer sessions at the YMCA. I met the trainer and he's a skinnyfat mess. All I've ever seen them do is walk on the treadmills. The might use some of the weight machines, but based on the conversations I've had with my wife, they aren't lifting anything heavy.

Her diet sucks. My 5 year old son eats better than she does. Chips and cereal are her main staples.

Her training sessions are on Tuesday & Thursday. This week, we had this conversation:

me: "Are you training tonight?"

her: "Training is over."

me: "Are you working out tonight?"

her: <bertstare>

her: "It's National Pancake Day!"

me: "Oh really? Are you going to celebrate?"

her: "I think I'll go to IHOP!"

me: <facepalm>

me: "Ok, have fun. I'm going to lift."

She is probably sick of hearing me tell her how to do things the right way. I don't blame her. But, she's wasting our time and money doing this crap.

For the record, we were both overweight when we met. I made the move to get into shape about 4 months before our wedding. She gained weight. It can be very frustrating for me. I know she is sick of being overweight. But, at the same time, she's unwilling to do what it takes to fix it.

Women and their weight... The third rail of any relationship.

**was strong** · 03-02-2012, 06:31 AM

not easy to change people, i second that about being supportive though.

**tsoden** · 03-02-2012, 06:35 AM

I am kinda going through the same thing right now JD with my wife. I am always finding unhealthy crap in the house... or seeing large quantities of "treats" disappear. I try to not indulge, but that can be difficult too especially if it is open and in front of you. Thing is, I wont go and buy the s**t in the first place... but she does.

We had both started counting calories at Christmas time, but I guess she tired of it and stopped doing it. I did too.... its like we both need each other as a support system, but there is always on person not 100% buying into the "plan".

SIGH.

**-=FLEX=-** · 03-02-2012, 06:43 AM

I might be the only guy on the planet that truly does not care about my woman's weight.

That said I do love that my gurl eats healthy and trains with me.

I couldn't care less how much she weighs though. (within reason, of course)

**Meatpants** · 03-02-2012, 06:45 AM

Inb4 "Wife served me papers" thread.

**tsoden** · 03-02-2012, 06:48 AM

Originally Posted by -=FLEX=-

I might be the only guy on the planet that truly does not care about my woman's weight.

That said I do love that my gurl eats healthy and trains with me.

I couldn't care less how much she weighs though. (within reason, of course)

Dude... I totally agree with your comment. I love my wife no matter what shape. BUT what I DON'T like is that she is NOT HAPPY with her weight... but continues to do things to sabotage any real progression. Due to lots of illness this winter with our son, she has also thought of suspending her Goodlife memebership since she is not getting out as much as she wants (she try's to go in the day and bring the boy to Daycare at the gym) but they won't take him if he is sick - of course.

**-=FLEX=-** · 03-02-2012, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by tsoden

BUT what I DON'T like is that she is NOT HAPPY with her weight... but continues to do things to sabotage any real progression.

OK, I can agree that would be frustrating.

**Rowyn** · 03-02-2012, 06:58 AM

Originally Posted by tsoden

I am kinda going through the same thing right now JD with my wife. I am always finding unhealthy crap in the house... or seeing large quantities of "treats" disappear. I try to not indulge, but that can be difficult too especially if it is open and in front of you. Thing is, I wont go and buy the s**t in the first place... but she does.

We had both started counting calories at Christmas time, but I guess she tired of it and stopped doing it. I did too.... its like we both need each other as a support system, but there is always on person not 100% buying into the "plan".

SIGH.

Uh, so you are off track as well but you are blaming it on her?? Who cares if she buys it, don't eat it. If you aren't both on board then neither will do it? You are responsible for yourself, its that simple. If she sees that you have the ability to stick to a goal, then she may be more motivated to stick it as well. But don't be critical about it, just say "no thanks, honey. I am really trying to stick to the plan this time around". If she eats it all herself, ignore it and continue on.

OP, you said you can't keep your mouth shut and you have told her a thousand times to do this or that. You bertstare her and her new "plan". Fail on all counts.

You can't tell her what to do or critique what she tries, it will only push her away from the direction you seem to want her to go. Even if the things she tries sound stupid, she is TRYING. Give her support for that! So she didn't say anything when she opened the package? Not surprised, she didn't want to hear what she probably normally gets, which is criticism. Did you praise her on ******** for starting a challenge? I bet her friends did. Be a friend. Try being more supportive, even if its not your cup of tea. Tell her "fabulous, hon! I hope you rock that challenge!"

She may never, ever start "real" lifting. But if she finds her own groove with fitness its all good. My brother in law (overweight, out of shape) recently started doing hot yoga. His wife told me about it in front of him (with much sarcasm), and she was surprised when I exclaimed how cool I thought it was. He's out moving his body and trying new things. It may not be what I prefer to do for fitness, but its something. Besides, I have never done it before, kudos to him!

**DubfromGA** · 03-02-2012, 07:06 AM

JD, you are in a pickle.

First off, I applaud you for jumping forward with your fitness focus. Your entire family benefits from this in ways you may not even know....most of all you are mapping out a great example for the young one. Good for them to see what you are doing and the results. I suspect that your wife respects your achievements, too. She may be a bit awestruck by the level of dedication and intimidated by that.

People have to be at their "teachable moment" sometimes for solid change to occur. The fact that she's persued formal training and now this mail order stuff shows a desire to change. This is good. It's a start....a spark.

I stayed at this same point for a loooong time. It took a significant thump upside my head to serve as a catalyst to go from that point....wanting to change.....to actually actually doing it.

What is that catalyst for her?

She'll know when it hits her. Hopefully it will on her terms and not something that is mandated by a doctor due to a phyical condition. There's some scary real life consequences to carrying around all that extra weight. I was harded enough to have to experience a few of them before I got properly motivated.

You are doing well to stay on track with your health improvement and raising your child with a healty mindset. She'll hopefully see that you aren't being judgemental but are doing what is in everyones best interest....living healthy. Maybe she'll come around.

BrackneyC and others here have help driven a point home for me. It was a major hanging point for me...as I viewed "being healthy" as giving up everything I enjoyed. I wasn't ready for that. Their wisdom helped me to better understand maintenance level, deficit level and there are tracking tools available. I still can have some of the stuff I like.....as long as I work it into my daliy totals. All things in moderation. There was a powerful relief once I saw that.

Maybe she's thinking that "healthy" means no more iHop.

I feel for you, brother. I know it's got to be frustrating as heck. You know what will work for her...but don't want to preach too hard and push her away. Maybe she'll listen to her doctor.

**danap3681** · 03-02-2012, 07:10 AM

From a womans perspective... I agree that being supportive is the best thing to do. I have never been "overweight" but years ago I put on some weight and I hated it. One of my husbands good friends told me "your ass sure has gotten wide". That was it! I lost 40 lbs with absolutely no exercise. I watched my calories and cut out sugar! My husband never made any reference to my weight because he knew it bothered me... but I am thankful for his outspoken friend!

When I started going to the gym and working out... there was absolutely NO support! He made comments about it being a "Peytons Place"?? Like most women... I have never been happy with my weight if I was 160 or dropped to 120 and going to the gym made me feel excited that I was doing something to get in shape. Everytime I went to the gym all I heard was "you going to the gym again" "might as well move up there"... blah blah blah. What I wouldn't have given for a "I am proud you are working out and taking care of yourself".

Support from loved ones and friends is what we crave and what we need. So even if she is not doing what she needs to right now continued positive encouragement may actually get her going in the right direction.

**jdtemple** · 03-02-2012, 07:12 AM

Originally Posted by tsoden

Dude... I totally agree with your comment. I love my wife no matter what shape. BUT what I DON'T like is that she is NOT HAPPY with her weight... but continues to do things to sabotage any real progression.

I love her to death. It kills me that she's unhappy with her health and appearance but won't do anything that's proven to work. She continues to shoot herself in the foot with poor diet and mediocre exercise. I have even offered to do all of the grocery shopping, to help her avoid the temptation of buying junkfood.

Originally Posted by Rowyn

OP, you said you can't keep your mouth shut and you have told her a thousand times to do this or that. You bertstare her and her new "plan". Fail on all counts.

I think you may have misread my description. The conversation was had over the phone. She was on her way home (well, to IHOP with our son) and I was on my way to the gym (our basement). She was the one that gave me the bertstare (figuratively, it was actually just a moment of silence on the phone when I asked her if she was working out tonight, despite fact that her paid trainer sessions were overwith).

Originally Posted by Rowyn

You can't tell her what to do or critique what she tries, it will only push her away from the direction you seem to want her to go. Even if the things she tries sound stupid, she is TRYING. Give her support for that! So she didn't say anything when she opened the package? Not surprised, she didn't want to hear what she probably normally gets, which is criticism. Did you praise her on ******** for starting a challenge? I bet her friends did. Be a friend. Try being more supportive, even if its not your cup of tea. Tell her "fabulous, hon! I hope you rock that challenge!"

I support everything she does. I offer some advice, but that's it. I always make sure she has the time and money to do what she wants to do.

I'm a little put off by the fact that she didn't talk to me about this challenge thing at all, not even about the money she wanted to spend. We discuss every purchase we make; that's just how we do it. That's why I didn't respond to her ******** update. I suppose I should take the high road and respond with something encouraging, you're right.

Originally Posted by Rowyn

She may never, ever start "real" lifting. But if she finds her own groove with fitness its all good. My brother in law (overweight, out of shape) recently started doing hot yoga. His wife told me about it in front of him (with much sarcasm), and she was surprised when I exclaimed how cool I thought it was. He's out moving his body and trying new things. It may not be what I prefer to do for fitness, but its something. Besides, I have never done it before, kudos to him!

I'd love to see her find some kind of calling. Hell, if it was yoga, I'd even go with her. I could probably use some yoga; I have some flexibility issues.

**jdtemple** · 03-02-2012, 07:21 AM

Don't get me wrong, here. I don't have any delusions that I'm going to be married to a fitness model or anything like that. I would like her to be happy in her own skin. I would like for us to be able to do some active things as a family. Right now, that's not happening.

Her current lifestyle will have a negative impact on our son and it is leading to health problems.

**db_ggmm** · 03-02-2012, 08:23 AM

For whatever reason, women often don't seem to find interest in activities where stats, numbers, and tracking play a large role, which describes weight training pretty well. OP, you've got a line in there that says, "I know she's wasting her time" and while members of this forum, myself included, tend to view weight training as the fountain of youth that doesn't mean that all other fitness endeavors are completely doomed to failure. The thing is, if you believe that all other endeavors are a waste of time AND your wife finds weight training completely distasteful, then the encouragement she actually receives is to give up on the idea.

Originally Posted by -=FLEX=-

I might be the only guy on the planet that truly does not care about my woman's weight.
That said I do love that my gurl eats healthy and trains with me.
I couldn't care less how much she weighs though. (within reason, of course)

strong ironies in this one

**erikjh** · 03-02-2012, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by Meatpants

Inb4 "Wife served me papers" thread.

Right after she served pancakes.

**-=FLEX=-** · 03-02-2012, 08:38 AM

Originally Posted by db_ggmm

strong ironies in this one

Originally Posted by eomrat

How so?

x2

What's your point, Napoleon?

**erikjh** · 03-02-2012, 08:41 AM

Originally Posted by -=FLEX=-

x2

What's your point, Napoleon?

i'm guessing he means you contradicted yourself. i see no irony.

**Rowyn** · 03-02-2012, 08:55 AM

Originally Posted by jdtemple

I think you may have misread my description....I offer some advice, but that's it.

Sorry if I got the wrong vibe, it came from this VV

Originally Posted by jdtemple

She didn't say a word to me, probably because she doesn't want to hear me say "eat right and lift heavy things" for the thousandth time....She even started using the kit right there in front of me and said nothing. I don't even ask, because I can't keep my mouth shut...She is probably sick of hearing me tell her how to do things the right way. I don't blame her.

Originally Posted by db_ggmm

For whatever reason, women often don't seem to find interest in activities where stats, numbers, and tracking play a large role, which describes weight training pretty well.

I don't really agree with this for two reasons. One, women ARE very numbers oriented, look at the chick above who posted what she weighed at different points in her life, as if that was a reflection of how she looked. It certainly mattered to her sense of self-worth. Spend some time in the Female Forum where most try to convince noobs to LET GO of numbers and DO WORK.

Two, stats and numbers don't matter so much to me as a bb'er. I do what I need to do to get the job done, I don't chase numbers to do so (though I know its popular in the Ov35) and I try to ignore the scale and focus on what I see in the mirror. I do agree with tracking as in paying attention to nutrition for lifting---most women get stuck on "I have to eat 1200 calories a day to meet my goals".

**Singe03** · 03-02-2012, 09:04 AM

Originally Posted by tsoden

I am kinda going through the same thing right now JD with my wife. I am always finding unhealthy crap in the house... or seeing large quantities of "treats" disappear. I try to not indulge, but that can be difficult too especially if it is open and in front of you. Thing is, I wont go and buy the s**t in the first place... but she does.

We had both started counting calories at Christmas time, but I guess she tired of it and stopped doing it. I did too.... its like we both need each other as a support system, but there is always on person not 100% buying into the "plan".SIGH.

Hate to say it man, but you are going to have to do what I did and just suck it up and diet on your own. My wife doesn't buy in to my diet at all and really doesn't need to, I'm on my own in that department. It's a pretty constant thing because some of her favorite places and meals are completely off the menu for me. She tolerates me doing it and I use my cheat meals to make sure she gets her favorites whether it's what I actually want or not.

My wife seems to want to start doing something, maybe not lifting but yoga, or zumba, maybe a martial art or something and I think it would be great for her, I don't really care what she does. She is saying she "should do something" more frequently than she used to and mentions particular classes or things occasionally. She even mentioned a willingness to come to the gym with me at 5:15AM, which is almost unimaginable for her (she likes her sleep, hates mornings).

I'm trying to figure out how to gently nudge her past the tipping point to actually starting.

**jdtemple** · 03-02-2012, 11:41 AM

I did give her an "atta boy(girl)" on her ******** post. I also asked her to tell me about this challenge she's doing and wished her the best. I just want you folks to be aware that I'm not a complete d**k.

**Marius_Ursus** · 03-02-2012, 11:49 AM

If yall'd both powerlift, yall could both eat pancakes.

Just sayin'.

**kimm4** · 03-02-2012, 11:52 AM

Originally Posted by Marius_Ursus

If yall'd both powerlift, yall could both eat pancakes with bacon on the side!

Just sayin'.

Fixed...

**Marius_Ursus** · 03-02-2012, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by kimm4

Fixed...

That's a plateful of love right there!

**tmonkey** · 03-02-2012, 12:47 PM

**Corbi** · 03-02-2012, 01:25 PM

JD, it's a no win situation no matter how you go about it. My wifes weight has flucuated wildly over the years, she is about 5'6" and has been as low as 125 as well as high as 200. She knows how to lose weight but never keeps it off, always looking for the magic diet pill. I have come home numerous times to find a huge box on our porch with yet another piece of $hit infomercial exercise equipment in it. Body by Jake abdominizer, some air walker thing, various swiss balls, etc. She buys it but never ever uses it. I have tired to convince her to join my gym but she refuses because she says she will be embarassed lloking at all the skinny little hotties walking around. I told her there is all shape and form of women there but in her 1 visit she ran into 2 of the woman trainers...who admitedly are pretty frickin hot..so she won't join.

**induced_drag** · 03-02-2012, 05:53 PM

I can relate totally. My wife if fit by most standards. She is small framed, 5'4 and has a very nice feminine figure and weighs around 115lbs. I appreciate that she takes pride in her appearance, but in the past, she has struggled with her self confidence and happiness with her appearance. We all fluctuate up and down in weight. When she gains a little weight, she is not happy with her self. This in turn effects our relationship.

I have tried to help in the past.....but this is a BAD idea. It is usually greeted with...."Im not going to weigh all my food like you do" ...or some other comment like that. While I dont expect her to train like me, or even want to,...I do want to help her achieve what ever it is she wants. So to watch her do silly exercises (in our home gym) that are pointless, or sabatoge her diet by eating like crap....and then complaining she does not feel good, is difficult at times.

My only advice is to take it very slow and be very supportive of ANY effort they make. (as long as it is not harming them). It took me a while....but my wife is finally coming around. The first step was I got her off the treadmill and light weight training. (mainly dumbell and bodyweight stuff). I got a concept II rower and got rid of the treadmill and her rowing has made a huge difference in her physique over the past few years. Her hamstrings, glutes, and back and arms really started to develop nicely.

It took a while but as she started to notice things were working for her that I would suggest, she began to ask for more stuff. I now have her barbell squatting! Still it is only the bar and generally a few 10's...but it is good form and she enjoys it. I am working on deadlifts next...but not going to push my luck.

We have been married over 10 years and known each other over 20....and changes in this dept happen very very slow. You have to wait until they want to do it for themselves. Otherwise, they may interpret your desire to help them as you putting them down in some way...or saying they need to do more. Again....this is a very fine line...sometimes the best thing to do is just let them come to you. Be supportive....but not pushy. Lead by example and eventually they will not be threatened by desire to help.

It can be a struggle when one partner has vastly different goals then the other. I really dont care what my wife does as long as she is healthy. She has a strong history of diabetes in her family including her mother, and I will be the first to give her crap for not taking care of herself....not because I am worried about her gaining 5lbs...but I am concerned for her overall well being. I make no bones about it....and would expect her to do the same for me.

**db_ggmm** · 03-03-2012, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by Rowyn

I don't really agree with this for two reasons. One, women ARE very numbers oriented, look at the chick above who posted what she weighed at different points in her life, as if that was a reflection of how she looked. It certainly mattered to her sense of self-worth. Spend some time in the Female Forum where most try to convince noobs to LET GO of numbers and DO WORK.

Two, stats and numbers don't matter so much to me as a bb'er. I do what I need to do to get the job done, I don't chase numbers to do so (though I know its popular in the Ov35) and I try to ignore the scale and focus on what I see in the mirror. I do agree with tracking as in paying attention to nutrition for lifting---most women get stuck on "I have to eat 1200 calories a day to meet my goals".

Most women universally obsess with weight. I wouldn't suggest that makes them numbers oriented when it comes to activities and hobbies, though. It is generally suggested that men gravitate towards watching sports as a hobby in no small part because they enjoy the numbers game associated with it. The weights you use, sets, reps, tempo, attempts to improve - all these things are suggested as par for the course when moving weight. And using the women from the subset of individuals who post in a female bodybuilding section is possibly a very skewed selection of individuals from the average (no different than the guys section is an unusual subset).

**v1rt** · 03-08-2012, 09:36 AM

WOW, somewhat similar to my wife. She uses KINECT on xbox though. Everytime I tell her about the food, she tells to me to shut my mouth up. LOL.

However, looks like she's following what I adviced to her because I am seeing huge improvement. Looks like she lost 5 lbs.

**wedjim** · 03-08-2012, 10:26 AM

This is similar to what my wife and I are doing. she "works out" with her DVD trainer and some small dumbells, which does help her stay in good shape. But she always comments how she can't figure out why she doesn't lose more weight(5' 115lbs, far from a fat person) and barely eats anything(1300-1400 maybe).

I try to explain it all to her, but she glazes over and it goes down hill from there. She doesn't seem to be willing to add activity to her day, change her macros a little to monitor results.... Although I do have her eating what I eat at dinner and she is a great cook. The rest of the day we go our seperate ways.

The tuff part, letting her come to me when she feels the need, being supportive of what she DOES do and not being pushy about the "details".
Just have to keep being patient and supportive. 25 years so far, so we should be alright.

Best of luck to you in your journey with it all!

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