the release of the girl-in-my-head: #GIRLONKETO

[tresjjjolie]

today went pretty well especially with the mad woman midterm study schedule I'm keeping. Quick update for the day
Totals: 1,470 cals 7 carbs 105 fat 124 protein

ground beef burger patties + cheese
5 egg salad
plenty of water

I also have another Spinning class under my belt so that about an hour of cardio - I really pushed myself this morning. I would usually lay off the resistance for the most part but I was able to introduce more of it today

Have an allnighter ahead of me so we'll see how it all plays out but its my goal to lift tomorrow and eat right.

[MoxyPowers]

Holy cow I haven't updated in a few days but my diet is still going very strong :-D I'm actually in class right now and were reviewing for a midterm. It will be an extremely stressful week, week and a half. Nevertheless I don't intend to break as right now, all I've got is that knowledge that staying on course, I will finally reach this goal. Emotionally it is really trying for me right now and I've been extremely tempted to go eat things I shouldn't be..not because I craved them but bc it's whats "supposed" to make me feel better

Heh

My Sunday weigh in was awesome. I weighed in at 256 meaning I broke the "260s" which I wanted so bad. Idk how much of that is just water but hopefully there's fat in there!

Tis is my 3rd week and despite what's going on with my schedule I'm going to try and find a way to get physical activity in. It's driving me nuts, I'm short on sleep and I just feel off

Back to this horrid class lol

I can totally relate to feeling like food is "supposed" to make you feel better. Every time I get a headache, my first instinct is to self-medicate with food. Despite the fact that eating junk always ultimately make me feel worse. Food can act just like a drug!

Sounds like you're doing great (despite the stress)! Keep up the good work!! Congrats on the 250s!

[tresjjjolie]

#DEARDIARY

so about two days ago I was having a pity party of one. Perhaps it was the stress .. idk but boy it wasn't pretty. I was just really angry at myself for being so far away from where I want to be physically. I never even do this over diets and weight but I actually burst into tears for a bit there (wut). I never got used to this body
It was like a cloud of depression started to lift from me a little while back and I started to see. So like, every morning I wake up, in the mirror I'm looking at someone I don't really recognize and am all sad like "yup..still there"
that sucks. Because I seriously used to have many mornings where I felt the exact opposite, happy to be in my skin and to have my smile. I really miss feeling like that.

I don't know if finding balance in my life is wishful thinking at this juncture for all that I have on my plate but the reality is if I'm ever going to reach my fitness goals.. like really reach them - outside of my head and into real life .. I'm going to have to find a way to make the things that help me get there diet/exercise happen despite what I may have going on. I really don't know how yet - the last say, 5 days I've only been home a few hours at a time, working my @$$ off. I havent been the gym all those days but at least I've been eating right (yay me) although it's costing me more money than I would like (wendy's, plain burgers, bunless with cheese)

I saw a thread in the keto forum about making microwable plates - like our own keto version of lean cuisine. There maybe something to that for me


gunna take it back to the one day at a time doctrine- I can't do everything in leaps and bounds right.

Did you guys know, I guess I didn't tell you, that my best friend asked me to join her in Tough Mudder at the end of the year. In which I said yes. Of course, we're gunna be spectators to one of the earlier events to make it real haha. Because awesome YouTube videos are nothing like the real thing I guess. But yeah its something we want to do bc its so out of our element. I fully intend on doing it for real and I say that as a woman who can't swim yet. We just want to make it all the way through. So yeah no matter how busy I am or physically far from my gym bc of my other obligations I'm gunna need to life hack it like I've been with my diet. Maybe carry a spare gym bag/change of clothes and fit some movement anywhere I am.

Anyway gotta get outta here, a lot to do, aiming for a spinning class today.

thanks for reading

[tresjjjolie]

the midterms nightmare is almost over and I can almost breathe again. I have some updates

I've become best friends with 80/20 ground beef and beef patties lol - fast, yummy, gets to the point. So its been pretty simple getting it right with the variations I've been pulling although I wonder how important are veggies to this diet? I .. simply don't eat em. I don't know how to prep (yes I should learn) them in a way where I go yummmm. Except perhaps broccoli which is my favorite. but that I nuke lol


Sun
1,440 cals 0 g carbs 108g fat 114g protein


Mon
1,200 0 g carbs 90 g fat 95 g protein


Tues
1720 2 g carbs 129 g fat 139 g protein


Wed
1,440 0 g carbs 108 g fat 114 g protein

[Boochie21]

I know what you're feeling. I have that moment from time to time. I wake up and look at myself in the mirror and get frustrated that things don't fit right or just look right. I get down on myself when I don't see muscles where I should be and I get this rush of terrible thoughts and I start 2nd guessing my diet and training. Let me tell you, the more you stick to saying positive things and setting goals - those "moments" will go away. If you read back in my log....pages ago. You will see that I have a few posts getting down on myself when I do not look a certain way or something does not fit. People would write back positive things & it would make me feel better.

The bottom line is - progress does not happen over night, just like Rome was not built in a day. It seems like forever but in the end it's worth it. You feel like a million $$ when you complete something that you thought was impossible.

I made myself a collage on my wall of fitness quotes to motive myself and honestly they help. I look at them everyday and am motivated to move forward.....


PS. I am going to the tough mudder to this year in Ohio !!!! Are you going in ohio in April ?!

[MoxyPowers]

the midterms nightmare is almost over and I can almost breathe again. I have some updates

I've become best friends with 80/20 ground beef and beef patties lol - fast, yummy, gets to the point. So its been pretty simple getting it right with the variations I've been pulling although I wonder how important are veggies to this diet? I .. simply don't eat em. I don't know how to prep (yes I should learn) them in a way where I go yummmm. Except perhaps broccoli which is my favorite. but that I nuke lol

I don't eat very many vegetables myself (although, like you, I like broccoli!). What helps me is to eat a lot of "salads." I use that term loosely, because I smother my lettuce in meat, cheese, avocados, nuts, etc. I've never been a salad-lover, but these are more like the essentials of a keto diet with some lettuce added - haha! I've found that taking a fiber supplement helps me "digestively" (if you catch my drift), but otherwise, I've had quite a bit of success without many veggies. Should I eat more? Sure. But so far, no big worries.

I hope you're feeling a bit more positive today. I know how hard it is to be kind to yourself, but you deserve it!! The important thing is that you're not giving up! Go you!!!

[Javilionaire]

Don't let any haters get you down! Think of the prize whenever you're in doubt and you'll persevere!

Good luck!

[tresjjjolie]

long time no post. blech.
I've fallen off I wouldn't say I destroyed everything but I'm definitely stalling and I know why. Not excuses though these are just the facts. I've finally completed an exam week from hell whilst working my little tail off on a few projects (career) every. single. night. I don't even know how I pulled it off. It is technically spring break for me and while I was supposed to fly to Cali for yet another work thing I think I'm going to try to take a breather and reevaluate how I'm supposed to pull this off living my life like this.

I haven't seen the inside of the gym in like 2 weeks and it feels awful. Not sleeping much, the eating was pretty good until I'd say 2 days ago. I haven't gone off the deep end but yeah, I was in studio and ate what was around. A chicken sandwhich from the big McD's and half some awful strawberry cream thing they now make there? Lol and I paid for it.. besides the guilt. My stomach felt pretty damn awful.

Anyway I'm trying to reign it in, I just don't feel right. I even have a few *loud whispers* dates this weekend and I.. kinda don't wanna. I clean up nice but not thrilled about how I look nor do I care to have to play ninja with my secret way of eating. We'll see how I feel about it later. Right now I need to do a bit of grocery shopping bc my refrigerator looks like no one lives here and I'm gunna run to the gym for a much needed workout session. I've been flirting with the idea of boxing all week.. it just seems to be my kinda thing. keep you posted.

[tresjjjolie]

The bottom line is - progress does not happen over night, just like Rome was not built in a day. It seems like forever but in the end it's worth it. You feel like a million $$ when you complete something that you thought was impossible.

I made myself a collage on my wall of fitness quotes to motive myself and honestly they help. I look at them everyday and am motivated to move forward.....


PS. I am going to the tough mudder to this year in Ohio !!!! Are you going in ohio in April ?!

this is so important for me to remember. Lol I'm ashamed to say I go through the "its been like THREE days, am I THEEERRREE YET!" lol. I know its silly and I think it actually hampers the progress I can be making. I used to put fitness pics and quotes up.. I don't think this can hurt. I'mma get on that Boochie

And also no we're going to be in Florida late this year I'm thinking Novemeber
OMG I hope you come and share your experience with us - I wanna know first hand about the Tough Mudder Madness!

I don't eat very many vegetables myself (although, like you, I like broccoli!). What helps me is to eat a lot of "salads." I use that term loosely, because I smother my lettuce in meat, cheese, avocados, nuts, etc. I've never been a salad-lover, but these are more like the essentials of a keto diet with some lettuce added - haha! I've found that taking a fiber supplement helps me "digestively" (if you catch my drift), but otherwise, I've had quite a bit of success without many veggies. Should I eat more? Sure. But so far, no big worries.

I hope you're feeling a bit more positive today. I know how hard it is to be kind to yourself, but you deserve it!! The important thing is that you're not giving up! Go you!!!

Thanks Moxy! clever with the salads lol. I don't even know what my problem with them is, maybe I just dont like the crunch? I noticed that even with fresh onions..the taste is great but I dont like the whole.. crunch leaf feelig. I wonder if those fiber mixes in your drinks do the same job.. hmm. Thanks for your input!

Don't let any haters get you down! Think of the prize whenever you're in doubt and you'll persevere!

Good luck!

Thank you Javi

[tresjjjolie]

just wondering if a do-over is legitimate round these parts.

.. it's gunna have to be bc I am >.<

got some MUCH needed R&R which will end in a few days and I'm working on reigning in the not-accounted-for behavior

special kudos to Boochie for being super inspiring!

There's a lot to be said for this journey. There really are no shortcuts and all the scheduling conflicts, life issues, tiredness, etc will not excuse the change I want and need .. or the lack thereof.

deep sigh.. but not a bad one.

[MoxyPowers]

just wondering if a do-over is legitimate round these parts.

.. it's gunna have to be bc I am >.<

Don't think of it as a do-over, think of it as a continuation. Did you take some time off from keto for that R&R? Sure. Did it ruin the progress you'd made so far. Hell no!!! You're doing great and you're totally allowed to make choices that aren't always in line with keto. The important thing is to mindful and get back to the choices you want to make, when you can. I just moved to a new house and I haven't had groceries for about 3 weeks. Literally, we've eaten EVERY SINGLE meal out. Maybe not the healthiest choice, but it's been the most realistic for my situation right now. And as soon as I have my kitchen in order and can get to the grocery store, I'll be eating in more and able to better control what's in my food.

Thanks Moxy! clever with the salads lol. I don't even know what my problem with them is, maybe I just dont like the crunch? I noticed that even with fresh onions..the taste is great but I dont like the whole.. crunch leaf feelig. I wonder if those fiber mixes in your drinks do the same job.. hmm. Thanks for your input!

I'm with you on that! I don't mind tyhe taste of onions, but there is just something about that crunch. Blech! The fiber I take is actually fruit flavored tablets. I find them much easier to take than something that dissolves in water. I use FiberChoice Sugar Free tablets and usually take 2 tablets twice a day (in the morning and at night).

[Boochie21]

just wondering if a do-over is legitimate round these parts.

.. it's gunna have to be bc I am >.<

got some MUCH needed R&R which will end in a few days and I'm working on reigning in the not-accounted-for behavior

special kudos to Boochie for being super inspiring!

There's a lot to be said for this journey. There really are no shortcuts and all the scheduling conflicts, life issues, tiredness, etc will not excuse the change I want and need .. or the lack thereof.

deep sigh.. but not a bad one.

Aww, thank for the shout out !! It seems your doing just fine..slip ups happen - don't beat yourself up. Just get back on track and keep it going. It took me a LONG time to realize that I need to stop cheating alll the time. I would have one cheat and it would turn into a few hrs into 3 days. I deff. binged. So, this challenge to not cheat for 12 weeks was super hard but I wanted to accomplish it and I was motivated by of course the prizes and just myself. You just need to find what is going to motivate you to stick to something ?

[tresjjjolie]

you guys are the absolute best I'm writing this on my phone outside of the gym. Feels good to be stepping back on the wagon. I'm not 100% yet waiting for keto to kick back in (actually feeling off since I fell off of it, maybe its my guilt lol) but so far so good. Just finished a nice bit of cardio (10 min elliptical, 10 rower, 10 stair gauntlet, 10 tredmill). It was my intention to shake it up today- "wake up" so to speak and I feel *really* good. hoping to be back on course completely by the end of the week - thats the goal. Check in in the AM.

[tresjjjolie]

and today's numbers are in. 45 min ellitical today. did a variation on resistance and height.. oh how it burns lol. but it was worth it. Felt that familiar "low on sugar" feeling that I get. Haven't succumbed to any cravings (I had tortelli and potstickers floating around my head ALL day. it was ridiculous) and am feeling good.

1,393 cals 14 carbs 130 fat 175 protein

Chicken Thigh, 3 thigh, bone and skin removed
Utz Pork Rinds, 3 serving
Hellman's Low Fat Mayonnaise, 7 tbsp
Chicken Thigh, 3 thigh, bone and skin removed
Chicken Drumstick, 9 oz

[Boochie21]

and today's numbers are in. 45 min ellitical today. did a variation on resistance and height.. oh how it burns lol. but it was worth it. Felt that familiar "low on sugar" feeling that I get. Haven't succumbed to any cravings (I had tortelli and potstickers floating around my head ALL day. it was ridiculous) and am feeling good.

1,393 cals 14 carbs 130 fat 175 protein

Chicken Thigh, 3 thigh, bone and skin removed
Utz Pork Rinds, 3 serving
Hellman's Low Fat Mayonnaise, 7 tbsp
Chicken Thigh, 3 thigh, bone and skin removed
Chicken Drumstick, 9 oz

Girl, I hope you ate more than this !! Where is your weight training ? I know that when I did my transformation I focused on weights and put cardio last.
I am glad you're back on the wagon

[yabbyshmabby]

Oh no, how can you remove that wonderful skin? That's the best part!

[tommybhoy]

Well done for keeping at it. You can track your daily macros using myfitnesspal.com I added app to my phone and tablet too and keep track on the go. Keep up the good work

[tresjjjolie]

Girl, I hope you ate more than this !! Where is your weight training ? I know that when I did my transformation I focused on weights and put cardio last.
I am glad you're back on the wagon

Hey nah thats pretty much what I ate lol. If anything I thought I did pretty good- according to the macros recommended via keto calculator and my heading towards Intermittent Fasting (this is actually easier for me). This week getting back into the gym I just hit the cardio pretty hard. Come Sun I will throw my weights back in.

Oh no, how can you remove that wonderful skin? That's the best part!

Lol these were left overs of a distracted grocery shopping run. LOL I came home and was like "waiiiiillll these are skinless!!!!" See all that mayo though? I coated the chicken and seasoned it real well. The result is a fattier moist baked chicken that is mm mm good! lol

Well done for keeping at it. You can track your daily macros using myfitnesspal.com I added app to my phone and tablet too and keep track on the go. Keep up the good work

Thank you! I'll check it out to see if I like it - I just really started using sparkpeople.com now that they have a super convenient app for the droid. I'll compare

Today was a wackadoo day and tomorrow will be even more interesting hehe (think boy, emergency cleaning service, and untouched to do list)
so I feel pretty good jamming the gym time in there for a spinning class >.< I'm leveling out energy wise, it wasn't bad today. Food wise - 2 meals


1,540 cals 4 g carbs 114 g fat 128 g protein


CHICKEN - Chicken Wings (Tyson), 16 oz 880
Sargento 6 Cheese Italian, 2 serving 180
1/4 Pound Beef Patty, 2 serving 480


thanks for the encouragement people. it actually..really helps

[tresjjjolie]

so we're in a new week and I'm proud of how my weekend went food wise because the temptation was there spent it working, with friends, everyone wanted to dine and drink and be merry. I was like a food ninja

pretty sure I'm back in full blown keto. Been reading leangains and it seems promising so that's what I'm following

on another note, bothered and saddened by Robert Kennedy's passing
I actually read his editor letters in Oxygen Magazine (lol on mag I ever did this with) and was encouraged to get back into working out/eating right. Of course I don't know him personally but saddened all the same. RIP

Today I did not train but will first thing tomorrow morning
todays cals - doesnt get anymore straight fwd than this lol

1/4 lb ground beef patty, 6 serving 1,440
Kraft Singles American Cheese, 2 serving 120

1560 cals 14 g carbs 129 g fat 120 g of protein

[Boochie21]

Hey !! I finished the mudder - check out my log to read all about it !!
Glad your doing well girl !

[tresjjjolie]

Update for yesterday
lol macros *exactly* the same. no thrills there
but 25 min on the stair gauntlet and 25 min on the rower was a thrill. Sure I ache like hell right now but it was worth it. The stair climb did require a bunch of breaks. And it wasn't pretty. And then there's the matter of lower back aches.. I am going to need to work on core strength

Totals: 1,560 cals 14 g carbs 129 g fat 120 g protein

Today

Totals: 1,440 cals 12 carbs 120 g fat 114 g protein
Early morning spinning class. Don't know how I even made it. Pure exhaustion, not sleeping much still. But maybe 20 minutes in, I was ok. I have to say, the momentum I gain from being back on track really helps me pull it together.

[Boochie21]

On your stair climber, are you standing up straight and using your legs more than your arms to help you ? Most people I see at the gym slouch over the handles or even rest there upper body on them and that's a complete no no ! It's important to use your core and legs to help vs your arms

[tresjjjolie]

On your stair climber, are you standing up straight and using your legs more than your arms to help you ? Most people I see at the gym slouch over the handles or even rest there upper body on them and that's a complete no no ! It's important to use your core and legs to help vs your arms

lol honest to God I read in Oxygen mag your supposed to step up, dig in your heel to target diff parts of your butt and that leaning is cheating. therefore my 25 min was heavily peppered with breaks and mind games but i got thru it. downisde, i still reaaaallly feel it. lol

[exwhyzee]

lol honest to God I read in Oxygen mag your supposed to step up, dig in your heel to target diff parts of your butt and that leaning is cheating. therefore my 25 min was heavily peppered with breaks and mind games but i got thru it. downisde, i still reaaaallly feel it. lol

stairmaster kicks butt when you stand straight up. Usually first round is strict.... second i end up hanging on a bit more lol.

keep up the good work!

[tresjjjolie]

Finals week is quickly approaching and my angst is at an all time high lol. You know.. I noticed this about myself and its probably the reason I am pretty overweight. I don't think I do anything in moderation. I don't think I even know how. My career encourages this type of deep diving obsessive behavior, I'm like that in eating/cheating.. in relationships. Worrisome

Last week was a real struggle for me in that I was so.. blue. And I kept worrying that I was sending myself off into another depressive episode which I credit my massive weight gain. Its a vicious cycle. I won't say I'm snapped out of it but I'm taking actions to avoid falling off the wagon as hardcore as I probably would heh. Hit up the supermarket today and stocked up on keto worthy groceries. $75 gone easily and thats me being level headed.

Since tonight's meal is chicken thighs (with skin!) marinaded in teriyaki sauce.

I have a very long stressful week ahead so I'm going to give an early morning workout a shot tomorrow before I even look at my day. No ones gunna level it out for me, I know. Ah, to be accountable. Its a new world (but not really lol)

[tresjjjolie]

macros were sweet today - 1370 cals 3 g carbs 103 g fat 112 g protein
Hard Boiled Egg, 5 large 350 3 27 32
Mayonnaise, regular (mayo), 2 tbsp 180 0 20 0
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 530 3 46 32
Dinner
Chicken (thighs and legs, bone and skin) - 4 ounces (equals about 1 piece), 4 serving 840 0 56 80
DINNER TOTALS: 840 0 56 80


This morning was pretty no nonsense as I had only 30 minutes to get it in but it felt great hitting the rower and the tredmill on a incline - 5 doing intervals. 15 each machine. HIIT lite? Lower back has been bothering me as of late and its weirding me out so I'm looking into something for it. Lifting tomorrow AM despite a full schedule. showing up -yow!

[tresjjjolie]

1290 cals 8 g carbs 103 g fat 134 g protein

Breakfast
Hard Boiled Egg, 6 large 420 4 32 38

BREAKFAST TOTALS: 420 4 32 38

Lunch
Hellman's Low Fat Mayonnaise, 2 tbsp 30 4 20 0
Bumble Bee Solid White Albacore in Water, 2 oz drained, 56g, 1/4 cup, 6 oz 180 0 3 39


LUNCH TOTALS: 210 4 23 39

Dinner
CHICKEN - Chicken Wings (Tyson), 12 oz 660 0 48 57
Barbeque Sauce, Walden Farms, Calorie Free, Sugar Free, Hickory Smoked, 8 tbsp 0 0 0 0
DINNER TOTALS: 660 0 48 57

Got this from my Spark People account which is .. more useful than I expected. I can't seem to decide on a lifting program. Cardio's easy for me to figure .. Jamie Eason Live Fit? I like that its laid out, there are vids, etc. NROLW seems .. official. Wish I could skip all this and get to the badass boxing/kickboxing drills chick I keep imagining. ditto

Seated Chest Press Machine 2 sets 12 reps 60 lbs
Seated Row Machine 2 15 60 lbs, 70
Seated Lat Pulldown Machine 2 15 40 lbs, 60 lbs
Seated Overhead Press Machine 2 12 30 lbs, 40 lbs (burn so good.. ouch)
Assisted Pull Up/Dips (mine) 2 sets of 12 - 180 lbs (I used to live off these.. oh how the mighty have fallen)
Stretch




bow chicka wow wow

[tresjjjolie]

quick update for today

55 min spin class - I would say I gave it a 6-7 in effort. I went in early this morning, not in the best of moods but left in a better one. My day's not over yet (its about to be midnight lol) so had I left it for tonight, it probably wouldn't have happened. Still feeling yesterdays lift.. feels kinda good to say that

1,574 cals 4 g carbs 105 g fat 157 g protein - hitting my macro goals this week. it only took forever to get here. ha

Breakfast

Hard Boiled Egg, 6 large 420 4 32 38

BREAKFAST TOTALS: 420 4 32 38

Lunch

Barbeque Sauce, Walden Farms, Calorie Free, Sugar Free, Hickory Smoked, 8 tbsp 0 0 0 0
CHICKEN - Chicken Wings (Tyson), 12 oz 660 0 48 57

LUNCH TOTALS: 660 0 48 57

Dinner

Chicken Drumstick, 8 oz 494 0 25 62

DINNER TOTALS: 494 0 25 62

[tresjjjolie]

So I had my cage rattled 2 nights ago when my ex, the man who I accredit with my emotional demise, contacts me after literally not a word human voice (he was quite liberal with berating and threats and other randoms online for a while there).. to "apologize" for what he did to me. For disappearing on me (we lived together in my home for a yr, or rather I was full blown supporting an adult, I know I know) with NO warning to shack up with the chick he was cheating with. No conversation, no goodbye. The details are gory and 2 different therapists (I really... really did not take this well) questioned his mental state and by the time his threats for suicide came in they were almost certain.

I'm a suicide survivor by the way- someone I loved deeply took his own life. Turns out my ex was also crazy manipulative and his suicide threats as a means to get me to wait for him (his words, not mine) were just to make sure I was there as he got situated with new girl. Ouch.

I enter this post to say I knew the day would come. From the bottom of my heart I know I was a really good woman to that guy (once again, details that may disturb you) and any remnant of human in him would be penalized one day..true to the human experience of karma and what goes up must come down..
so ya particularly when it was his turn to experience such glib callousness. Except that day came.. and went. And it was the most unsatisfying, underwhelming thing I've ever waited so long to experience. And that in itself, is another blow.

As he tells me that my curse on him works ("what curse?" "you wished what I did to you, would happen to me") I sat there thinking NOT ONLY did this haphazard half assed apology have nothing to do with me

(this was just his attempt to lighten the emotional load seeing that his chick was boarding a plane in a few hrs to leave him and the grief of it, being alone, and guilt of doing the same to me, who he cant come to but would be a life line if he could, hitting him all at once)

but that I allowed myself to revel in complete and utter devastation over what turned out to be the most blatant i-told-you-so in my entire existence on earth. I have nothing to show for that whole time he was gone other than the massive chip on my shoulder and depression weight gain. Maybe thats not true. I have come a very long way. But since a long way is not from 0 but from the - of a hole he left blowing up my world, a long way is not long enough.

You would think this call would spark healthy conversation or some at all. But it didn't. Bc true to form.. he said what he had to say and hung up the phone. My entire response consisted of quiet and "ok...".

What does this have to do with my keto log.. besides being a strong dear diary.. the only thing I wanted to do 1 am after that call was work out. Like damn near punish myself hurt-so-good training. I wanted to hit a boxing class or lift

So much of my life since It Happened consisted of waiting.. Not just for him to say I'm sorry and acknowledge what he did but for me to wake up and be at my goal. Never have I actually understood "you can't live for people, you have to live for you" until that call. I thought it would come and i would finally hear the words out of his mouth "I'm sorry" and I'd be released from this mental prison of "you're leavable.. disposable....etc". I know.. ugly untrue words.
Anyway I thought they would come, and I would feel better. But they came and I don't. Even in that moment, he wanted to feel better- this wasn't for me. So that closure truly doesn't exist

And I really owe it to myself to build the woman in me 10x stronger both physically and mentally. I don't doubt that I will love again but naturally that experience and some time on the internet peeking into how people.. k men.. many of them really think (truly news to me, thanks mom and dad) I just don't see myself being blindsided like that again. As in I quite literally didnt know anyone could make you feel that way or be that cruel for no apparent reason. Now I know its possible and devastating won't include the existensial crisis.

all this to say my resolve to train hard has strengthened. I've done pretty well this week - will finish this weeks update today- but yeah.. its critical to me that I keep it up and go harder. It might sound silly but to reconcile the nightmare that is my ex and the pitiful and painful after effects .. I just need to be on top of my mental and physical health. I'm the only one in charge of taking care of me. so I *need* to. Bc no one is worth my peace of mind and sense of self. Christ.

[tresjjjolie]

THURSDAY

Breakfast

None
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 0 0 0 0
Lunch

Hellman's Low Fat Mayonnaise, 3 tbsp 45 6 30 0
Bumble Bee Solid White Albacore in Water, 2 oz drained, 56g, 1/4 cup, 9 oz 270 0 5 59
LUNCH TOTALS: 315 6 35 59
Dinner

Chicken Thigh, 1 unit (yield from 1 lb ready-to-cook chicken) 49 0 2 8
CHICKEN - Chicken Wings (Tyson), 8 oz 440 0 32 38
DINNER TOTALS: 489 0 34 46
Snack

Utz Pork Rinds, 1 serving 80 0 5 8
SNACK TOTALS: 80 0 5 8
CALORIES CARBS FAT PROTEIN
Totals: 884 6 73 113
Your Daily Goal: 1,400 - 1,750 158 - 284 31 - 68 60 - 153
Remaining Today: 516 - 866 152 - 278 0 0 - 40


FRIDAY

Breakfast

None
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 0 0 0 0
Lunch

Atlantic Salmon (fish), 6 oz 309 0 14 43
Broccoli, cooked, 2 cup, chopped 109 22 1 7
Kraft Singles White American Cheese, 3 serving 180 6 14 12
LUNCH TOTALS: 599 28 29 63
Dinner

Ground beef, 15 oz 1,318 0 113 71
DINNER TOTALS: 1,318 0 113 71
Snack

None
SNACK TOTALS: 0 0 0 0
CALORIES CARBS FAT PROTEIN
Totals: 1917 28 142 133
Your Daily Goal: 1,400 - 1,750 158 - 284 31 - 68 60 - 153
Remaining Today: 0 130 - 256 0 0 - 20



SATURDAY

Breakfast

None
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 0 0 0 0
Lunch

Kraft Singles White American Cheese, 2 serving 120 4 9 8
1/4 Pound Beef Patty, 2 serving 480 0 36 38
LUNCH TOTALS: 600 4 45 46
Dinner

CHICKEN - Chicken Wings (Tyson), 12 oz 660 0 48 57
Barbeque Sauce, Walden Farms, Calorie Free, Sugar Free, Hickory Smoked, 8 tbsp 0 0 0 0
DINNER TOTALS: 660 0 48 57
Snack

Hormel Turkey Pepperoni, 4 serving 280 0 16 36
SNACK TOTALS: 280 0 16 36
CALORIES CARBS FAT PROTEIN
Totals: 1540 4 109 139
Your Daily Goal: 1,400 - 1,750 158 - 284 31 - 68 60 - 153
Remaining Today: 0 - 210 154 - 280 0 0 - 14


SUNDAY

Breakfast

None
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 0 0 0 0
Lunch

Chicken roasted with skin leg and thigh, 1 serving 535 0 32 57
LUNCH TOTALS: 535 0 32 57
Dinner

Ground beef, 12 oz 1,055 0 90 57
DINNER TOTALS: 1,055 0 90 57
Snack

None
SNACK TOTALS: 0 0 0 0
CALORIES CARBS FAT PROTEIN
Totals: 1590 0 122 114
Your Daily Goal: 1,400 - 1,750 158 - 284 31 - 68 60 - 153
Remaining Today: 0 - 160 158 - 284 0 0 - 39






Today: MONDAY

Breakfast

Hard Boiled Egg, 5 large 350 3 27 32
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 350 3 27 32
Lunch

Chicken Drumstick, 15 oz 926 0 48 116
LUNCH TOTALS: 926 0 48 116
Dinner

Ground beef, 14 oz 1,230 0 105 66
Kraft Singles White American Cheese, 1 serving 60 2 5 4
DINNER TOTALS: 1,290 2 110 70
Snack

None
SNACK TOTALS: 0 0 0 0
CALORIES CARBS FAT PROTEIN
Totals: 2566 5 184 217 << too high