Riaden food log!

[riaden]

Well i thought i would start a log as i know its going to help me in the long run to stay on track and to also have a look back on how far i have come.

to give you a brief story about me, im a runner, i love running, and lifting weights, and keeping fit and healthy, its my life, its my passion, its who iam. i was currently running about 140km a week. mostly running twice a day ect. until the dreadful day where i got injured and it turned my life around.
at first i didnt think much of it, i thought i would just cut put pasta and alittle bit of carbs, so i wouldnt put on weight, so i started restricting myself, and the foods i ate.
After about 2months my injury hadnt got any better, i started to get depressed, i started to find ways of buring cals, exercings in different ways, next minute im hardly eating at all and lost a far bit of weight. i went from 68kg to 63kg, then to 60kg.
after about a month i started trying to run again, which was good, but my nutrition was so poor i ended up in hospital in emergency lying on a bed. with fluid around my heart, and around my stomache. the look on my mums face when she saw me lying there was something i never want her to go through again, i never want to see my mum cry the way she did on that night.
they had me straped to a heart pulse reading and i was only on 30beats per min and i thought then that i wasnt going to come out alive. the next two nights were the most of my life, no sleep, not knowing whats happening, blood test after blood test, i thought that this is it. im not going to come out my life is over.
after spending two weeks i was allowed to go home weighing about 58kg. i was happy i thought i have now got a second chance, but sometimes life dosnt always go back the way you think. you get back into bad habbits, and next mimute your back to square one!
after spending sometime at home i was still worried about eating, i was scared of putting on weight, i just kept thinking that im going to get fat, and that im going to get a beer gut.
but i have never drank or smoke, and ive never eaten junk food, only when i was a kid. i thought i was one of the heathiest people going around until this came along.
so after about 2months i was back at work still underweight and to give you an insight of how bad things have gotten this is what a typical day for me was like.

Beep, beep, beep, I jump out of bed and quickly turn my alarm off. Its 5.00am. I slowly but quietly get changed and sneak out of my room, trying desperate not to wake anyone up. I slowly grab my shoes and put them on, and I think to myself is this ever going to stop, I’m tired, I’m sore, I’ve have no energy for this, I’ve had enough, someone please help me. I stand up I can’t take this anymore I say to myself, I then pretty much almost start to cry. I don’t want to go out there, but something is making me, something inside of my head is forcing me, I can’t control it, you must you have no choice. As I begin to head outside I almost begin to cry. I head outside into the darkness tip toeing to the shed; I slowly but surely sneak into the shed without making a noise, and turn the lights on. In front of me is the monster, I look at it up and down, I don’t want to go on this thing, I hate this thing that’s killing me, someone please help me I say to myself again. I pray to god, that if he would just let me run, I will stop this madness, I will change, I will go back to being normal, but it hasn’t happen yet. I jump on the monster and start going flat out for an hour trying to burn up as much energy before work. Before I know it sweat is pouring off my face, I’m tired I want to stop but I can’t, I push even harder, and harder, until an hour is up. Finally after an hour I stop, I step off the monster covered in sweat completely tired, exhausted, and mentally drained. I think to myself I can’t take this anymore, I’m killing myself, someone please help me I think again. I tip toe back inside, I grab my work clothes and have a shower.

Breakfast time, mm don’t feel hungry, I grab 3 eggs, crack them open and only put the egg whites into a bowl and threw the rest away, I then quickly wack it in the microwave for a minute and there my breakfast. I straight away head off for work, completely tired exhausted and hungry, I think to myself why can’t I eat more, I’m allowed to, but it doesn’t happen. I drive to work, struggling to get out of the car, I feel so weak, as the sun comes up, work begins I grab the work ute, and find out we have a big job on, cutting and dragging lots of dead trees and shrubs up an embankment out of a reserve. i rock up to the job tired, and think how in earth am I going to get through this , I walk down the embankment grab the first dead shrub and start ripping it out, I struggle, the dead shrub barely moves, I try again, and again, finally it comes out, I turn around and start dragging it up the embankment, I can barely feel my legs, I finally struggle to walk up this small incline, as I reach the top I put the shrub on the ground and stand there to recover. 3 hours later, smoko finally arrives, finally a break. I’m exhausted. I start the short drive back to the depot, I walk into the lunch room to grab my apple, where I cut it in half and put the other half back in. I get a knife out the draw and begin to cut it into small pieces and start eating it as slowly as I can to try and make it last forever.

I look around the room, I see my other workmates eating solid foods – lovely cheese and tomatoes toasties, and I think why can’t I have one, what’s stopping me. I’m so hungry I walk out and sit in the ute. I can’t take this anymore, I say to myself again, and again. Another 2 hours go bye, finally lunch has come I get my other half of an apple out the fridge and eat it slowly once again. I walk out the lunch room with my head down in shame, embarrassed, frustrated, angry, and just an emotional wreck. Two more hours go by, and finally we get to go home.
I park the ute slowly, but surely walk to my car as I know it hasn’t finished yet. I drive home slowly, almost in tears of how hungry I am. I arrive at home I get changed and back out into the shed to step onto this evil monster that’s killing me. I start going flat out, pushing myself to the limit, I almost start to cry again, as I don’t want to be on this, but I know after an hour it will be all good. I keep going. Beep, beep. Finally I have finished covered in sweat, I feel so weak I walk inside and have a small glass of milk. Ah, the taste is amazing I want more, I just want to drink 2 litres of it. But I don’t, I wait until tea which is still an hour away.
I sit on the couch and wait. Finally with a jump of joy I hear the roller door come up and I know tea is not far away. I rush outside to see my mum come home. First thing I ask is what’s for tea? She says tuna bake. I feel so happy. I love tuna bake. I straight away help mum cook it, it it’s sitting in the oven with 20 minutes of cooking left I can barely wait. I’m so hungry, finally it’s ready I get the plates out I get mum to give me a huge serving, and we all sit down at the table. All I’m looking at is like gold, tuna and pasta with melted cheese. I’m in heaven. I’m so hungry I begin to eat, within 5 minutes it’s gone. I XXXX get up and get some more, another full plate full, and another until it’s all gone. For the next 20 minutes I sit there feeling sick because I’ve eaten too much. My joy, my happiness has gone back out the window.
I go off and have a shower, all of a sudden I’m hungry again I look for more food, I make a banana smoothie, only filled with water blend it all together and drink it slowly, I want it to last forever, I love the taste. After I’ve finished I go straight to bed feeling sick of all the food and water I’ve contained in the small amount of time. I lay there struggling to sleep, my stomach working overtime. I can’t take this anymore I say to myself again and again. I pray, someone please help me. I slowly but surely drift off to sleep, before I know it beep, beep, beep I reach down, turn my alarm off, it’s 5.00 am.
As I sit up with my head between my knees I begin to cry, because I can’t take another day of this. I scream in my head, someone please help me, someone please help me from killing myself. I get changed and head out to the deadly master my love of running still burns inside of me, everyday I think, please god just let me run, if so I promise everything will go
back to normal in my life, my eating, and of course my mind set. I’m sick of being in this vicious cycle I’m in. All I’m doing is going around and around, trying anything I can to get out. Someone please help me!

i know its not pretty, i know all i was doing was killing myself again, but when you have such a deadly mind set that you cant get out of, its so hard to get control of whats happening. i spent the next two months living like this until i was checked into a ED hopstial to get me eating under control and to stop me from exercing.

you can read the thread here about me being in hospital and how im starting to overcome this deadly mindset.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=128385571

Anyway fast forward to now ive been out for about 2months going ok, not good though, my lowest weight was 53kg when i went into hospital. my weight now is 57kg
im trying to get back to where i was so i can be fit and healthy and most importantly start running again.

From the help of Ryan 2020 Wellness which i basically owe my life too. has really help me get my eating under control, and my training, as he has been a great support, and under his guidents i know i can beat this thing.

this is what i used to look like 150lbs 68kg


and this is me now! i know its not pretty! 120lbs 55kg



so this is going to be my food log, so thank you so much for joining me, and hopefully i can beat this thing

[FrankVentura193]

Good luck man! You can do this... I read your first post when you checked yourself in, and was actually wondering why it stopped and it concerned me, again best of luck you can do it!

[riaden]

thanks mate. ive been in a dark place before, but all im doing now is looking forward.

Eating yesturday was ok, my fear of fat is slowly going, but im always still thinking about it, i also cant beleive how good food taste, what i mean by that is when you have starved your body for so long, anything you eat tastes so nice, im actully crying of happyness.

oats, almonds, kiwi fruit, greek yogurt



roast turkey wraps, with salad inside mushrooms, carrot, tomatoes, cuecumber, also two hard boiled eggs. it was a really big thing for me to eat a whole egg, even the yolk.



wholemeal wrap with tuna and salad.



chicken breast with cheese and salad- this was pretty big for me, the whole cheese factor but ryan from wellness 2020 is helping me overcome these issues.



Frozen cottage cheese with a very nice looking apple.


i will be consuming 2250cals on rest days and 2550 on training days and see where that takes me.

[FrankVentura193]

Good eats! You are in the same boat as I was in, VERY frustrating working a physically demanding job when you are struggling with an ED isn't it? That's what really took a toll on my health.

[riaden]

Good eats! You are in the same boat as I was in, VERY frustrating working a physically demanding job when you are struggling with an ED isn't it? That's what really took a toll on my health.

yes very frustrating, because you need the engery to work, but you wont provide your body with any. no wonder i had so much time off from work. but im glad you know what it feels like, as i can relate to you better. thanks

well Today wasnt to bad, done some training!

5x5 chin ups
5x6 mutigrip pull ups
3x15 single bent rows
3x8 biecept curls
10min of core work

i was really happy with the chin ups, as about 2months ago i couldnt even do one!
my knee at the moment still hurts sometimes, because i have ITB syndrome which is very frustrating, and ive been stretching my hips like crazy but nothing seems to working just yet. this is where i get depressed, and i feel like that if i dont exercise i dont need to eat. but im slowly trying to overcome that.

anyway today eats.

oats, with frozen apple, greek yogurt, almonds, fish oil, joint releiver tabs, and also a multivitamin.
CALS 350


wholemeal wrap with eggs, apple, and a small glass of skim milk
CALS 300


PRE WORKOUT
Sweet potatoe, with tuna, and salad
CALS 300


POST WORK OUT
oats, with apple,yougurt, almonds
CALS 350


kangaroo steak with salad
CALS 400


FROZEN cottage cheese with an apple
CALS 150


Frozen bannana milk shake with a bannana, and Whey.
CALS 400


total CALS 2200 i know i fell short but almost 350. have to try and work on this! i find it hard thoe, im scared of going over!

[FrankVentura193]

I return back to work tomorrow actually I have the clearance as long as I am eating enough... kinda of nervous. Nice workout, short and to the point, I see to many of these logs with people in recovery working out wayyyyyy to much and trying to just go over "500 cals above maintenance" I Don't think they realize they have to heal their inner organs as well, as their body therefore needing more than 500 about maintenance..

[musclexbound]

Good luck! I admire your strength and courage. You've totally got this.

[shambo99]

good luck man, you can get back to how you were and enjoying your life again. I will be following your log and routing for you.

[riaden]

Thanks for the support. yea I'm trying not to overdo it, but sometimes I just can't help myself. sometimes I get stuck in a real bad circle that I can't get out of. but anyway good luck let me know how it goes.
well today I woke up feeling a little depressed maybe cause I felt tired. hardly got any sleep. I think I'm worrying about stuff to much. and I thought that I couldn't train today, but managed to feel better as the day got on.

TRAINING today
bike session
5min warm up
20x1minute efforts/ 30 sec recovery
5min cool down
total time 40min

felt alot better after this, covered in sweat.

today's eating wasn't to bad either. im trying not to eat the samething everday, as i tend to get into a bad habbit of keeping to a routine. so i will be trying my best to mix things up abit.

oats, almonds, frozen apple, and yogurt



PRE WORKOUT

Wholemeal wrap with eggs, and salad, with an apple

POST WORKOUT

Wholemeal wraps with tuna and mushrooms, and salad. didn't really like this meal, but tuna was the only thing I could find in the cardboard.



oats, with yogurt and frozen apple YUM



chicken breast with cheese, veggies



Frozen cottage cheese with an apple



FROZEN Bananas milk shake with a banana and whey

[FrankVentura193]

The eats seem like they went WAY up today.. First day of work went well, had the energy to keep at it all day and wasn't tired come mid day like I use to be.

[determined4000]

Seems like you are avoiding any fat (I see practically none).
Dietary fat is needed for testosterone, hormones, brain function, energy transfer, vitamin absorption, lower cortisol (fat storing hormone) etc
8 almonds and a yolk isn't going to cut it

[muffinman1996]

doin great man!!!
keep up the work hit those cal goals!

[riaden]

The eats seem like they went WAY up today.. First day of work went well, had the energy to keep at it all day and wasn't tired come mid day like I use to be.

thats good to hear! hope everything is going well for you.

Seems like you are avoiding any fat (I see practically none).
Dietary fat is needed for testosterone, hormones, brain function, energy transfer, vitamin absorption, lower cortisol (fat storing hormone) etc
8 almonds and a yolk isn't going to cut it

i know its something i have to work on, FATS. milk and cheese is consider FAT if you didnt know.

doin great man!!!
keep up the work hit those cal goals!

thanks for the support

[riaden]

well today was ok. had alittle bit better night sleep. tired to change a few things up today like breakfeast ect. Also done some training today which was good, and went for a nice little 40min hike to clear my head which was nice. its good to get back to nature and just clear your mind, and just listen to mother nature.

TODAYS TRAINING

5x20 body weight squats
5x 10 weighted box squats
5x20 dumbell walking lunges ( 30 sec break) started to get hard by the 4th set
5x12 barbell front squats
10min core work

45min walk( very nice nature walk)

so i guess i will see how my legs pull up tomorrow.

todays eats
egg with egg whites and mushrooms, didnt really turned out how i hoped but you get that! also FROZEN yogurt and apple, also muit, fish oil, and anti voltarion for the side of my knee.



PRE WORKOUT

Tuna and mushroom, lettue, tomatoe wraps, didnt really like this, dont think im going to have these anytime soon again. apple was nice thoe.



POST WORKOUT

Wholemeal roast turkey wraps with salad, tasted very nice.



yogurt with 25grams of chopped up almonds



chicken breats, mixed with veggies, and a can of diced tomatoes



cottage cheese with an apple



Frozen bannana shake with a bananna


highlight of the day was tea. the chicken breast. mm i love having a mother thats a chef.

[riaden]

Well I woke up today, and my legs felt tired. pretty sore really, which is much expected. highlight of today was dinner that my mum cooked was a bit nervous eating it at first as I was unaware of much butter she put in ECT, or any other ingredients I didn't feel comfortable with, but I sat down ate it slowly and just tired to enjoy it, which was nice. If you must know it was spinach ravioli in a creamy sauce.

I tired to change things up a bit with food today, which was good. but tomorrow hopefully I can change it a bit more, so I'm not having the same thing every day. Done some training today which was good.

Overall my mood today was good. I'm trying to stay positive, as I want to get back into running soon. I just hope my body holds up, and the pain near my knee goes away. i guess the fear of gaining fat is always in my mind. but i just have a look at the foods I eat, it's all healthy, natural living, it's not like I'm eating Mc Donald's. no offence to people that do!

TRAINING
5x8 military press
5x8 bench press
3x20 incline db press
5x max dips, 16/12/12/12/14
10min of hip strength plank exercise

Today's EATS

oats, almonds, with Frozen yogurt and apple. plus fish oils ect



Wholemeal wrap with eggs, and salad



Beef mince with pasta and cheese!



apple and skim milk



Yogurt with chopped up Almonds



really scared of this meal. that my mum cooked. felt very uneasy but turned out to be the highlight of the day. Spinach ravioli with bacon and salad.



Frozen cottage cheese and an apple



Frozen banana shake with a banana and whey

[riaden]

well today was just crap in terms of eating i have no idea where i went wrong. i guess you have good days and also bad days. i didnt even get close to hitting my macros today.
just had a real bad mindset i wanted to eat but didnt.
today really should of been a rest day! my legs were hurting still, and sore. i even went for a 1hour walk i the morning to try and stretch them out abit.

TRAINING
5min warm up on the bike
10x1min efforts 30/sec- recovery
10x30sec efforts- 30 sec recovery
5min flat out on the rower straight after.

total time 40min

Todays EATS

oats with frozen strawberrys, chopped up almonds, and yogurt- fish oils ect



mixed egg salad, mushrooms baby tomatoes ect and an apple



lean beef mince with baked beans, cheese, and veggies- highlight of the day food wise


apple

chicken thighs- with veggies



omlette with cheese, and tomatoes



cottage cheese and an apple



Frozen bannana shake with a bannana and whey.

[determined4000]

Loving the omelet
Went to bed b4 seeing your post last night
Good job!
If you didn't hit everything. Today is a new day

[mom2e3]

We all have good days and bad days, not matter what demons are affecting us. Congratulations on your progress!

Your meals look delicious--they're giving me great inspiration!

[riaden]

Loving the omelet
Went to bed b4 seeing your post last night
Good job!
If you didn't hit everything. Today is a new day

thanks for that. yea didnt hit everything,
today is going ok. falling short again, i can see it happening but trying my best not too!

We all have good days and bad days, not matter what demons are affecting us. Congratulations on your progress!

Your meals look delicious--they're giving me great inspiration!

thanks for your support

[determined4000]

thanks for that. yea didnt hit everything,
today is going ok. falling short again, i can see it happening but trying my best not too!



thanks for your support

continually falling short is not falling short...it is not wanting to eat enough

[riaden]

continually falling short is not falling short...it is not wanting to eat enough

thats true! i guess i struggle with the mindset thats all.
thanks for the motivation

[riaden]

Well today started off good. had a bigger breakfast then normal, too try and get a kick start for the day. went out for a helocopter flight today which was fun, eating today was alittle off but i reakon i didnt do to bad.

Highlight of the day for food was the homemade pizze OMG, i havent had a homemade pizza in years. it was good cause i got to make and it all fitted in with macros ect. went for a hour walk today as well which was nice.

My hamstrings felt sore still today, i was going to do a lift session today, but i thought i will give my legs another days rest. so instead i done a push session.

overall my mental state is ok. ive been strugling to hit my macros everyday. im not going to lie, somedays i hit them some days i dont, more often i miss then hit. its something im trying to overcome, as i want to move forward in my life, and not backwards, i just wish it would get easyier.
i wish i could stop worrying about weight, and just live normally.


TRAINING

5x20 push ups
5x10 incline bench
3x6 incline heavier weight
3x15 db bench press
5x body weight dips 12,10,10,10,12
10min of core work

EATS

oats with FROZEN strawberrys, yogurt, chopped up almonds, fish oils ect YUM



apple



wholemeal wraps with turkey and salad



scrambles eggs with herbs, and a cup of skim milk with whey



HOMEMADE pizza, chicken, mushrooms, cheese, capcium.



cottage cheese and an apple



Frozen bannana shake with a bannana and whey.

[determined4000]

Looks to me like you are avoiding posting macros
If you arent going to, I dont think the log will really help you be accountable and overcome what I think you want to overcome. Sure it may look bad/disapointing. But what is ore important, looking good for a bunch of people you dont know, or helping yourself?

[omurphy21]

good work man, keep on adding in the food as you get more comfortable.

I'm a runner also and have had way too many injuries myself. When I've had problems with my ITB, stretching my hips and icing always helps a little. However, I noticed the biggest improvement when I simply bought some over the counter orthodics that had some good arch support. Of course, I had the let the injury heal first, but then I threw the orthodics in a good pair of neutral trainers and it took a lot of stress of by ITB.

It worked for me, might work for you (if you haven't already tried it). Running injuries blow
- best of luck

[riaden]

Looks to me like you are avoiding posting macros
If you arent going to, I dont think the log will really help you be accountable and overcome what I think you want to overcome. Sure it may look bad/disapointing. But what is ore important, looking good for a bunch of people you dont know, or helping yourself?

your dead right in what you say. so thats why im going to stop this food log. at least i tired. i will just do the best i can. i dont want to do it for other people i want to do it for myself!

good work man, keep on adding in the food as you get more comfortable.

I'm a runner also and have had way too many injuries myself. When I've had problems with my ITB, stretching my hips and icing always helps a little. However, I noticed the biggest improvement when I simply bought some over the counter orthodics that had some good arch support. Of course, I had the let the injury heal first, but then I threw the orthodics in a good pair of neutral trainers and it took a lot of stress of by ITB.

It worked for me, might work for you (if you haven't already tried it). Running injuries blow
- best of luck

thanks for the tip and the support!

[determined4000]

your dead right in what you say. so thats why im going to stop this food log. at least i tired. i will just do the best i can. i dont want to do it for other people i want to do it for myself!




thanks for the tip and the support!

My point wasnt that you should stop
It is that you should be HONEST

[riaden]

to be honest i havent been hitting my marcos so there is no point going on here if im just going to lie.
i just wish this ED would just go away.

[ZandP]

Your progress looks really good and your dishes look amazing!
Frozen yogurt and frozen cottage cheese? Do you just take plain yogurt and cottage cheese and freeze it or do you do something to it? I have to try!! Also whats in the frozen banana shake and the egg salad/mushroom/tomato dish? They looked sooo good.

Don't get discouraged!! One step at a time. You have the power to make the ED go away. You said very encouraging things to me and I hope you are just as encouraging to yourself. Often we are so much harder on ourselves than others. When you are ready to post macros do so, maybe you're not ready yet. It is quite a pain, so I have been entering my intake into fitday.com, its so much easier, and you can create your own foods so once you "create" on there, if you eat the same foods quite often you can just add them every day and its not nearly as time consuming or tedious a process.

[RyouBakua]

Looks to me like you are avoiding posting macros

reminds me of when you werent posting your cardio numbers in your log
(which is now defunct)

It is that you should be HONEST

i agree with this

[riaden]

thanks for the support. i have just taken alittle break from the food log to try and get my mind sorted out!
still eating and training.
even hit my macros today which is a good feeling.!