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  1. #1
    Registered User equestrian's Avatar
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    Here we go again...how to handle the former trainer

    Hey ladies,

    I haven't been posting much but I've been lurking. My apologies but I need your advice once again.

    I had a thread awhile back that pretty much blew up, but within that thread was a ton and I mean a TON of great advice. I asked if I should keep my in person trainer (basically a broscience trainer) or dump him. Well, the conversation that ensued was quite lively but the information in that thread turned into a huge breakthrough for me.

    Even Alan Aragon got involved and I honestly can't thank him enough for his input and pointing me in the right direction. As most of you know, Emma-Leigh is now my trainer and in 5 weeks I've lost 13lbs! I'm putting on a ton of muscle - I need to post some new progress pics, yes, I still look like crap, but there are a lot of changes going on. I am absolutely thrilled!

    But now I need some more advice, so I hope y'all don't mind me asking for your feedback again. But my old trainer is returning to haunt me...literally.

    I haven't seen my old trainer at the gym a whole lot, but when I do, it's rather awkward. I never told him I have a different trainer - he'd want to know who. I had so much trouble with him dogging me on just encouraging him to look at the new science, rather than the broscience, I don't even want to get into it with him about an online trainer. I don't think it's any of his business anyway. But when I do see him, I'm polite and cordial.

    The last couple of times he's been there he's had a client with him. He asks me how I'm doing, I reply "good" and just try to keep it an "in passing" thing. I've got work to do. But he's obviously been doing this for awhile because he pounced today when I was sucking down some water. He noticed the difference in me and he did compliment me on it which was nice - but then, right in front of his current client, he said he wanted to do another measurement and body fat reading on me (with one of those handheld things) when we got the chance.

    My first instinct was to say, uh, dude - I'm not your client any more, remember? But I bit that back because I thought that would have been rude to say in front of his current client. I was kinda like oh...okay...whatever...then went about my business.

    In the short time I was working with him, I got a pretty good clue as to his personality. I know the minute I got out of earshot, he bragged to his current client that he is the one that started me off and gave me exercises and I've lost all of this weight...yadda, yadda. Never mind that I was running around the gym doing exercises that he never gave me and probably didn't have a clue why I was doing what I was doing. Plus, I don't want to burn my bridges - never a good idea - but if I need someone there to check my form while I'm doing a squat or a deadlift, it's going to have to be him. I can videotape it for Emma-Leigh, but I don't want to do it wrong and hurt myself - because then a video would be too late, ya know? Or am I just being paranoid?

    Anyways, a part of me thinks he will never follow through with the request for measurements or BF reading - he was saying that for the benefit of his current client and to brag on me because of Emma-Leigh's work (well, mine too because I'm the one doing the lifting...but it's HER plan and SHE is my trainer).

    Now, I could very easily tell him off and that would be the end of it. But I don't want him causing me grief at the gym or with any of the staff (I don't know that he would but I have to consider that possibility) and I don't think that's terribly professional. It's one thing to snark on the forums and entirely another when a professional trainer has a client right there. I mean, how would I feel if I took a client from work out for lunch, ran into this guy, and he proceeded to bad mouth me in front of my client - I would think that is UNCOOL!

    So how do I tell him I have another trainer I'm absolutely thrilled with? Do you think I should just bite the bullet and tell them she's online, then try to keep my temper in check when he tells me everything that's wrong with that? *sigh* I'm sorry for the mini-rant here on this but I'm not sure what to do. If this was horses, I'd have no problem telling him he doesn't know what he's talking about, but I'm just a newb here. So any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

    TIA!
    ˙ǝsɹoɥ ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq ǝɯ ʇnd puɐ dn ǝɯ ʞɔıd ǝsɐǝןd 'sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı

    "There is nothing as deceptive as an obvious fact."
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  2. #2
    Registered User KaraPhoto's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by equestrian View Post
    My first instinct was to say, uh, dude - I'm not your client any more, remember? But I bit that back because I thought that would have been rude to say in front of his current client.
    Ok I'm gonna go on a little of my standard rant... Why is this rude? Why do people think it's rude to politely refuse someone who is out of line? He has no reason or right to want to weigh or measure you - as you pointed out ... you're not his client anymore. So why would it have been rude of you to simile and say "I appreciate the offer but since I'm not your client anymore I would rather not".

    Or am I just being paranoid?
    Yes. Plus you're allowing him to use your progress as his resume builder.

    Now, I could very easily tell him off and that would be the end of it. But I don't want him causing me grief at the gym or with any of the staff (I don't know that he would but I have to consider that possibility)
    If you have to consider that possibility then he needs to be reported to the management of the gym.

    So how do I tell him I have another trainer I'm absolutely thrilled with?
    By saying "Thanks forthe offer but I'm currently working with another trainer who I'm thrilled with. I'm not interested in changing that."

    Do you think I should just bite the bullet and tell them she's online
    why? It's none of his business.

    I'm sorry for the mini-rant here on this but I'm not sure what to do. If this was horses, I'd have no problem telling him he doesn't know what he's talking about, but I'm just a newb here. So any advice would be sincerely appreciated.
    Honestly I think you're making this into a huge thing that it doesn't have to be. You're building up all this paranoia and what-if BS. Just be polite, smile, keep your comments as brief as possible ... and move on. If he asks you a bunch of questions just smile and say "I'm not really comfortable talking about that". Repeat as necessary. If he becomes harassing about it then report it to the club management. Don't make it into such a drama. It's not worth it.
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  3. #3
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    1. You owe him absolutely nothing. Zip. Continue being cordial but offer no information. If he asks directly what you are doing, if someone is training you, etc. Simply respond that you are following your own program. If you have to keep repeating that you are following your own program to follow on questions so be it. He will eventually get the idea. Just because he asks doesn't mean you have to answer beyond I am following my own program.

    2. Videos are fine. You know enough and have enough resources here and on line to stay out of trouble. If you have any doubts about your form and think it might lead to injury, use very light weight, videotape, and wait to hear back from Emma-Leigh before going heavier.

    3. If he approaches you about a bf test, politely decline. Say you are not interested. Do the same thing and keep repeating I'm not interested if he persists. Don't elaborate.

    4. Don't get into workout or diet discussions with him. Excuse yourself from the conversation if you have to. But don't get pulled into it.

    We often feel like we have to respond to questions, but we don't. It's not rude to not answer questions you do not want to discuss
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    Registered User IronPeach_79's Avatar
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    You sound quite a bit like me I'm super paranoid too and take my worries way too seriously. Something my husband has been teaching me for a while now is to be HONEST. It's still hard though because the honest answer can seem so mean!

    He only wants to get your measurements so he can use them to toot his own horn. He knows where you started and obviously are making great strides so of course he wants to know EXACTLY how far.

    Next time he asks, stand firm and just say, 'No that's all right. I've been doing something totally different from what we were doing before and I'm just gauging my progress by a pair of jeans at home. Thanks though!" as you're walking away.
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  5. #5
    Registered User equestrian's Avatar
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    equestrian is offline
    Ya know...y'all seriously ROCK! Thank you so much for the reality check! You don't know how much I appreciate it!

    Originally Posted by KaraPhoto View Post
    Ok I'm gonna go on a little of my standard rant... Why is this rude? Why do people think it's rude to politely refuse someone who is out of line? He has no reason or right to want to weigh or measure you - as you pointed out ... you're not his client anymore. So why would it have been rude of you to simile and say "I appreciate the offer but since I'm not your client anymore I would rather not".
    Well, remember my scenario that I mentioned before about having my own client out at lunch and he could show up and ruin it. This is a small town, so the odds of me running into folks I know are extremely good...with potentially bad results? Ya know? The problem is, I can't think of that nice reply, my knee-jerk was to to say what I said earlier. But now I have it stored in the memory banks. Thanks for that, Kara!

    Yes. Plus you're allowing him to use your progress as his resume builder.
    Yeah, and ultimately, that's the real pisser!

    why? It's none of his business.
    You are absolutely right on this one!

    Honestly I think you're making this into a huge thing that it doesn't have to be. You're building up all this paranoia and what-if BS. Just be polite, smile, keep your comments as brief as possible ... and move on. If he asks you a bunch of questions just smile and say "I'm not really comfortable talking about that". Repeat as necessary. If he becomes harassing about it then report it to the club management. Don't make it into such a drama. It's not worth it.
    Yes, it's all because I honestly feel like a fish out of water. Like I said, if it was horses...heh...no problem. I know you are a photographer and have no problem spotting the clueless. But if you were to get with me, for example, to ride horses, you probably would have a hard time. The confidence level drops...plus, I'm not out to make enemies, honestly...yet I've managed to make my fair share here. Of course, I know you have too because you're straight up and forthwith.

    Okay, I'm gonna derail my own topic here, but I gotta ask, why did you change your user name - did I miss a post? And what the hell happened to your reps? You deserve a lot higher girl!

    Thank you for your reply!

    Originally Posted by freebirdmac View Post
    1. You owe him absolutely nothing. Zip. Continue being cordial but offer no information. If he asks directly what you are doing, if someone is training you, etc. Simply respond that you are following your own program. If you have to keep repeating that you are following your own program to follow on questions so be it. He will eventually get the idea. Just because he asks doesn't mean you have to answer beyond I am following my own program.
    BINGO! Freebird...you hit the nail on the head! I don't owe him anything...the problem is, I'm so excited about the program I'm on, I want to tell people about it. I want to tell them what a great trainer Emma-Leigh is and what successes I've accomplished. I want to rub his broscience nose in it! It's NOT MY PROGRAM! lol!

    Yeah, I get it..but dammit...I'm jazzed! Ya know? I want to share with the world!

    2. Videos are fine. You know enough and have enough resources here and on line to stay out of trouble. If you have any doubts about your form and think it might lead to injury, use very light weight, videotape, and wait to hear back from Emma-Leigh before going heavier.
    Oh...good point and I've let my fog of desire get in the way of that objectivity. I notice myself rounding my back a lot on the Semi SDSL, especially when I get tired. But there is another gaffe I've noticed...when I watch my form in the mirrors, I lose it...when I just concentrate on keeping head up and back arched...well, it feels sooo much better! And I'm not lifting heavy on these, it's just 5# DB's...but I notice it when I do it wrong and when I do it right...or what I think is right. *sigh* Time to send a video to Emma...huh?

    3. If he approaches you about a bf test, politely decline. Say you are not interested. Do the same thing and keep repeating I'm not interested if he persists. Don't elaborate.
    I tried this...he doesn't take no for an answer...he keeps trying. I think in his world, it's either going to be money or credit and either way he wins.

    4. Don't get into workout or diet discussions with him. Excuse yourself from the conversation if you have to. But don't get pulled into it.
    He hasn't even asked that...which has surprised me but also set off alarm bells. I know he sees me doing stuff he hasn't given me...he even tried to read my journal while I was writing in it! I snapped it shut and rounded on him, "Excuse me?" He responded with the one question that threw me. "How's your hip doing?"

    I should have slammed him for reading, or trying to read my journal, but he knows my hip is such a huge issue, just the mention of it blows me out of the water.

    Lame ass response from me..."It's doing better." Geez, I'm such a moron!

    We often feel like we have to respond to questions, but we don't. It's not rude to not answer questions you do not want to discuss
    Next excellent point! Why do I have to justify anything I do to him? He says he cares about my progress but I know better...it's money to him. If I give up, and have no where else to turn, he figures I'll come back to him.

    I encouraged him to do research on the net, he refused. But he doesn't realize I have a HUGE place to turn to when I need it.

    Originally Posted by IronPeach_79 View Post
    You sound quite a bit like me I'm super paranoid too and take my worries way too seriously. Something my husband has been teaching me for a while now is to be HONEST. It's still hard though because the honest answer can seem so mean!

    He only wants to get your measurements so he can use them to toot his own horn. He knows where you started and obviously are making great strides so of course he wants to know EXACTLY how far.

    Next time he asks, stand firm and just say, 'No that's all right. I've been doing something totally different from what we were doing before and I'm just gauging my progress by a pair of jeans at home. Thanks though!" as you're walking away.
    Yeah, too many worries, not enough time. lol! Thanks Peach! I'm just lost when it comes to bb'ing. I'm so much better at horses. But I didn't get to knowing horses overnight, so I'm sure as hell not gonna know bb'ing overnight.

    And the thing is, I love...I mean I absolutely LOVE this learning crap! lol!

    The more I can research, study, learn, then do in the gym, the happier I am.

    Thank you so much, all of you, for your replies!
    ˙ǝsɹoɥ ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq ǝɯ ʇnd puɐ dn ǝɯ ʞɔıd ǝsɐǝןd 'sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı

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  6. #6
    Registered User KaraPhoto's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by equestrian View Post
    Well, remember my scenario that I mentioned before about having my own client out at lunch and he could show up and ruin it. This is a small town, so the odds of me running into folks I know are extremely good...with potentially bad results? Ya know?
    the thing you have to remember is that as long as you're polite, he's always the one who'll come across as an ass. No one is going to ruin your lunch with your client unless YOU let them.

    People need to stop looking at drawing boundaries as being "rude". It's not. The rudeness is on HIS part not yours, if he makes you uncomfortable.

    When you're direct you can make enemies that's for sure. The thing is you have to decide for yourself if the enemies you make are worth getting upset about. We live in a culture where people feel that telling the truth is "being mean" - they'd rather hear or tell a lie - which drives me up a wall. Thre are schools that won't allow teachers to grade papers in red anymore because it's "mean". And you can't tell someone they're wrong because that's "mean" - even if they're insisting that 2+2=5. And quite frankly I just don't support that kind of BS. Being honest does NOT equal mean.

    Okay, I'm gonna derail my own topic here, but I gotta ask, why did you change your user name - did I miss a post? And what the hell happened to your reps? You deserve a lot higher girl!
    LOL. Thanks! I PM'd Emma-Leigh privately about changing it. I didn't realize that posts from the board here were Google searchable. I don't care if people find my posts but my food blog is KaraCooks and people who were looking for my food blog couldn't find it because the posts were coming up higher in the Google rankings. So I asked to have my user name changed. I wanted to have just plain "Kara" but that's already in use (by someone who hasn't signed on in several years! *grump*). Anyway unfortunately the rules of the board state when you change your user ID, you lose all your reps. Bleah.

    But back to the trainer. As it's been said, you don't owe him anything. There's no reason you should not say "I found this fantastic trainer and since I've been working with her, my progress has been amazing - thanks for asking." If he makes a stink about it, he's the one who comes across looking like an insecure ass ... not you.
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  7. #7
    Registered User equestrian's Avatar
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    Thanks so much for your input on this ladies!

    Sorry for the delay here - my sinuses are freaking out again. I went to TKD yesterday morning and everyone there was struggling with sinus issues - so it made for a very low energy class. lol! I got home and doped up on sinus meds and stayed in bed. When I woke up this morning it was nice and cool, so we had a front move in, I think that's what had everyone going.

    Originally Posted by KaraPhoto View Post
    When you're direct you can make enemies that's for sure. The thing is you have to decide for yourself if the enemies you make are worth getting upset about. We live in a culture where people feel that telling the truth is "being mean" - they'd rather hear or tell a lie - which drives me up a wall. Thre are schools that won't allow teachers to grade papers in red anymore because it's "mean". And you can't tell someone they're wrong because that's "mean" - even if they're insisting that 2+2=5. And quite frankly I just don't support that kind of BS. Being honest does NOT equal mean.
    Oh, I know this well. lol! I get in trouble for being blunt all the time. But I'll do my best.

    LOL. Thanks! I PM'd Emma-Leigh privately about changing it. I didn't realize that posts from the board here were Google searchable. I don't care if people find my posts but my food blog is KaraCooks and people who were looking for my food blog couldn't find it because the posts were coming up higher in the Google rankings. So I asked to have my user name changed. I wanted to have just plain "Kara" but that's already in use (by someone who hasn't signed on in several years! *grump*). Anyway unfortunately the rules of the board state when you change your user ID, you lose all your reps. Bleah.
    Ah, I gotcha! Well, I'm sure those reps will be back where they belong in no time.

    But back to the trainer. As it's been said, you don't owe him anything. There's no reason you should not say "I found this fantastic trainer and since I've been working with her, my progress has been amazing - thanks for asking." If he makes a stink about it, he's the one who comes across looking like an insecure ass ... not you.
    Great response. We'll see what happens when I run into him again. Like I said, it hasn't been often, so we'll see how it goes.
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    Keep it simple. "No thanks, I've got it covered." You don't need to provide details, the less you say the smaller his opening is.

    Headphones can be helpful as well.
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