The typical relationship and how most of them ultimately fail.

[NOVA888]

This is a very good thread.

[ZIGGLADUS]

basically what hes saying is

**** b!tches

get money

focus on your dreams and goals

and **** more b!tches

[exbunobooga]

When your young yes.

As you get older the stupid games get old and you realise your spending way too much energy on a relationship thats doomed to fail. Find a girl who is attracted to you and your personality.

To the OP that exact thing happened to me several years ago. Spent so much time trying to be alpha then ended up being her door mat. Once it ended I realised I shouldnt have to put up a persona.

[coolspin27]

Dude you are spot on with this stuff....

[cave_d]

hmm to be honest if a guy had the i dont give a fk/ dont need you attitude i would have no interest in the first place, its not about wanting something i can't have,
but i would not want someone that didnt show they wanted me.

[Riceboi]

What is the average timeframe (in your mind) that all these stages happen OP?

[Amoral]

Hmm isn't this called being yourself? Of course assumin you can pull.

[ridge_forrester]

Wow, OP just perfectly described my friend's recent breakup from their seven year relationship.

Or at least how it looked from the outside in, and what he told me afterwards.

[Riceboi]

so the ones that don't fail differ how? the people aren't retarded?

[exbunobooga]

so the ones that don't fail differ how? the people aren't retarded?

Basically, yeah. If you have to be a certain way eventually you will end up needing her more then she needs you.

[SaviorSix]

hmm to be honest if a guy had the i dont give a fk/ dont need you attitude i would have no interest in the first place, its not about wanting something i can't have,
but i would not want someone that didnt show they wanted me.

bzzzzzt! wrong!

[janky]

desperately needed cliffs

- The dynamic of WANT (based off the theories of struggling to obtain) shifts over the course of the relationship from one gender to another
- Men start out in control, women end in control which ultimately leads to relationship failure.


Good points, a good read, and overall fairly accurate. I give it a B.

Although, I will admit, looking at relationships as a consistent battle for power (ie; keeping WANT) seems very pessimistic and not something I'd really want to partake in.

How do you get to a point where you're just truly enjoying being with someone and you no longer have to worry about childish alpha and beta games of tug of war? Or does that exist?

[mydawgs]

desperately needed cliffs

- The dynamic of WANT (based off the theories of struggling to obtain) shifts over the course of the relationship from one gender to another
- Men start out in control, women end in control which ultimately leads to relationship failure.


Good points, a good read, and overall fairly accurate. I give it a B.

Although, I will admit, looking at relationships as a consistent battle for power (ie; keeping WANT) seems very pessimistic and not something I'd really want to partake in.

How do you get to a point where you're just truly enjoying being with someone and you no longer have to worry about childish alpha and beta games of tug of war? Or does that exist?

You trust one another enough to stop working against one another and work for the two of you.....you sacrifice, compramise and assist, and you try your best to stay at 100% commitment as a couple, regardless of who is putting in more at any one time because you know it will never be equal, so you do what is best at that time for the survival and enhancement of the relationship....and you do it knowing your partner acknowleges your efforts and will do the same when they have to.

To do this well, your partner has to have the same values and aspirations as you do....then it is easy because you both have the same vision.......you need the right fit in a SO, then you can have peace of mind.

[Stillarkan3]

I like this post.... I have been engaged before and tried to stay alpha and eventually left her ( she still wants me back). I recently jumped into a new relationship but this time it seems I'm at stage 3 but seems I'm playing the female role tho. Lol. Already thinkn bout goin back to ex

[Riceboi]

You trust one another enough to stop working against one another and work for the two of you.....you sacrifice, compramise and assist, and you try your best to stay at 100% commitment as a couple, regardless of who is putting in more at any one time because you know it will never be equal, so you do what is best at that time for the survival and enhancement of the relationship....and you do it knowing your partner acknowleges your efforts and will do the same when they have to.

To do this well, your partner has to have the same values and aspirations as you do....then it is easy because you both have the same vision.......you need the right fit in a SO, then you can have peace of mind.

Awesome post. This sums it up.

[Wife Beater]

What is the average timeframe (in your mind) that all these stages happen OP?

I can't answer this because it's a very general question ..There are so many factors that determine this including how much you see each other every day, the girls amount of required attention, the guys willingness to submit to his girl, both parties' self esteem, etc.

All I can do is give you my experience. It lasted about a year, but she did live next door to me in my dorms, so it was kind of like we moved in together.

[darkmx]

Good posts itt. Rep'd.

Agreed and voted 5 stars.

Although, I will admit, looking at relationships as a consistent battle for power (ie; keeping WANT) seems very pessimistic and not something I'd really want to partake in.

How do you get to a point where you're just truly enjoying being with someone and you no longer have to worry about childish alpha and beta games of tug of war? Or does that exist?

You trust one another enough to stop working against one another and work for the two of you.....you sacrifice, compramise and assist, and you try your best to stay at 100% commitment as a couple, regardless of who is putting in more at any one time because you know it will never be equal, so you do what is best at that time for the survival and enhancement of the relationship....and you do it knowing your partner acknowleges your efforts and will do the same when they have to.

To do this well, your partner has to have the same values and aspirations as you do....then it is easy because you both have the same vision.......you need the right fit in a SO, then you can have peace of mind.

Only one thing to add. To get to that point, you start at that point.

Start without the games.

That probably sounds stupid, but what I'm saying is that you give each other the benefit of the doubt from jump. If either of you feels the need to play games, then you have not found someone with "the same values and aspirations as you".

[VASSIVE]

marryage = beta

[janky]

You trust one another enough to stop working against one another and work for the two of you.....you sacrifice, compramise and assist, and you try your best to stay at 100% commitment as a couple, regardless of who is putting in more at any one time because you know it will never be equal, so you do what is best at that time for the survival and enhancement of the relationship....and you do it knowing your partner acknowleges your efforts and will do the same when they have to.

To do this well, your partner has to have the same values and aspirations as you do....then it is easy because you both have the same vision.......you need the right fit in a SO, then you can have peace of mind.

Excellent post.
Age: 50.

I got 22 more years to go brahette? :/


OP: I'd like to include itt that monotony is frequently a disruptive factor to relationships just as much as the struggle for control.

Being with someone who never wants to go do anything fun and just going to movies and dinner every friday gets old after the first 6 months. Can you imagine staying in every night of your life and just doing dinner and a movie fridays for the next 20 years?

A lot of people are stuck in a lifeless rut in their relationship where they don't really do ANYTHING together other than be chained to each other's boring sides together.

Humans crave attention, and not only that, excitement. It's easy to see why so many people after having been locked down to the drudgery and insecurities of relationships will go completely bananas once they're single, or even look for any excuse to become single.

IMO, relationships shouldn't be about saying "Ok sweet, got a gf/bf, now I don't have to do sht anymore but sit around w them!"
They should be about growing as a team and accomplishing sht together - whether that's life goals, activities, raping an unconscious hooker with a mag lite, whatever.

[illninofan21]

It's true...realize that control will always be an issue (whether it's five days from now or five years from now) or date girls who don't come from America.

I find that non-Americanized girls are a lot less stuck-up and neurotic.

Either way, your girl has to realize that it's you and your hobbies #1 or she can hit the bricks, and that's how it's supposed to be (disregard female advice, they say one thing and do another).

[mydawgs]

Excellent post.
Age: 50.

I got 22 more years to go brahette? :/

Yes but I married him at 23.......trick is to get this goin from the get go, like a previous poster suggested!!!!

[Wife Beater]

desperately needed cliffs

- The dynamic of WANT (based off the theories of struggling to obtain) shifts over the course of the relationship from one gender to another
- Men start out in control, women end in control which ultimately leads to relationship failure.


Good points, a good read, and overall fairly accurate. I give it a B.

Although, I will admit, looking at relationships as a consistent battle for power (ie; keeping WANT) seems very pessimistic and not something I'd really want to partake in.

How do you get to a point where you're just truly enjoying being with someone and you no longer have to worry about childish alpha and beta games of tug of war? Or does that exist?

It does exist. The whole thing to take from my OP is that you can't look at your spouse / partner as the primary source of your happiness. You need to center your life on your own principles / goals / ambitions. You also need to acknowledge the love from friends and family at the same time. Once you have that engraved in your head, you will naturally stay alpha and have a happy and healthy relationship. It won't be a conscious effort anymore, it will be subconscious.

Relationships aside, once you learn to center your life on your principles, then you will rarely become disappointed. Centering your life on anything else will result in sadness at some points. Think about it. Anything else including women, friends, money, possessions, etc. can be taken away from you at any point. If you based your life on any of those things, you are then going to be miserable. Your principles never ever go away.

[ZIGGLADUS]

lol @ all this alpha male beta this talk

you kids man.... haha...

[Thewhite9t]

You trust one another enough to stop working against one another and work for the two of you.....you sacrifice, compramise and assist, and you try your best to stay at 100% commitment as a couple, regardless of who is putting in more at any one time because you know it will never be equal, so you do what is best at that time for the survival and enhancement of the relationship....and you do it knowing your partner acknowleges your efforts and will do the same when they have to.

To do this well, your partner has to have the same values and aspirations as you do....then it is easy because you both have the same vision.......you need the right fit in a SO, then you can have peace of mind.

Yea... so many times I've hoped that I could move past the power struggle... but every time I give a little I get metaphorically kicked in the junk.

[Guardian]

How do you get to a point where you're just truly enjoying being with someone and you no longer have to worry about childish alpha and beta games of tug of war? Or does that exist?

It exists in people who have their inner rooted fears under control and or resolved.

The control game is because people do not want to be vulnerable due to deep rooted fears from past hurt/trauma.

This is why peoples "first love" and relationships tend to be easier because their is less walls and barriers to break through. Its not that peoples first love were the best that makes them hard to forget, its that they were the most natural. Humans are not meant to have mounds of fear influencing their behavior, but our society and its organization/sociological development causes it, thats why so many people have anxiety or depression problems. It all is interrelated.

[dohhhhh6]

I never said neglect her. But what I suggested applies to all relationships, married, or not. Marriage doesn't guarantee attraction for the rest of your life. It just enforces everything I said which is why the divorce rate in the United States is around 50 percent.

Wow this guy is obviously a complete idiot.

Peace

[syress17]

it **** me that human nature is so miserably simple , we concurred hundreds of diseases , created weapons that are so sophisticated at destroying life its almost a form of art, and have flown to our moon.
Yet when it comes to male/ female interaction we have to divulge in such simple primal roles to appease one anther's senses

[HyperStyle]

There is nothing wrong with showing affection or giving girls attention, as long as you are not needy. Most girls will not test you / play games if you are not needy. Well, at least after knowing you for a couple of months. IMO relationships can only grow if you are open to each other. (no beta)

[mydawgs]

It does exist. The whole thing to take from my OP is that you can't look at your spouse / partner as the primary source of your happiness. You need to center your life on your own principles / goals / ambitions. You also need to acknowledge the love from friends and family at the same time. Once you have that engraved in your head, you will naturally stay alpha and have a happy and healthy relationship. It won't be a conscious effort anymore, it will be subconscious.

I agree only you are responsible for your happiness. A natural leader does not consciously think about being "alpha", thus does not think about "staying" alpha.....

Relationships aside, once you learn to center your life on your principles, then you will rarely become disappointed. Centering your life on anything else will result in sadness at some points. Think about it. Anything else including women, friends, money, possessions, etc. can be taken away from you at any point. If you based your life on any of those things, you are then going to be miserable. Your principles never ever go away.

I agree to a certain extent, that is why a good fit for your SO is a requirement for a successful relationship, this provides a high degree of commonality with your values and aspirations....you have this in common. But this is just an assist....you put your realetionship first and it is easy to do when you are a good fit because you tend to do similar things and react in a similar way due to the common values and goals.

Principles are important.....but they sure as hell don't keep you warm at night. I know plenty of principled lonely people, no they are not happy!

[fineFLgrl85]

Excellent post.
Age: 50.

I got 22 more years to go brahette? :/


OP: I'd like to include itt that monotony is frequently a disruptive factor to relationships just as much as the struggle for control.

Being with someone who never wants to go do anything fun and just going to movies and dinner every friday gets old after the first 6 months. Can you imagine staying in every night of your life and just doing dinner and a movie fridays for the next 20 years?

A lot of people are stuck in a lifeless rut in their relationship where they don't really do ANYTHING together other than be chained to each other's boring sides together.

Humans crave attention, and not only that, excitement. It's easy to see why so many people after having been locked down to the drudgery and insecurities of relationships will go completely bananas once they're single, or even look for any excuse to become single.

IMO, relationships shouldn't be about saying "Ok sweet, got a gf/bf, now I don't have to do sht anymore but sit around w them!"
They should be about growing as a team and accomplishing sht together - whether that's life goals, activities, raping an unconscious hooker with a mag lite, whatever.

first.. have always enjoyed reading your posts, so blunt

second.. i hope to never have "routine" nights with the love of my life... sure we've had hard times, and i know ive become victim to the "not giving me enough attention" but then i realized wtf is wrong with me? i know this man loves me and wants to be with me.. so i should stop b****g and just love him back ... and i feel since we've been together so far we've grown up a lil more together

in total agreement that if a relationship is to last, you must grow together, not apart