I don't know what to do anymore

[IronCitGrl]

This is a relationship question. So in order to get a serious non-******* answer I decided to post it in this misc. thread.

Ok here it goes. I have been dating my fiance for about 3 1/2 years and we are getting married in a year. Lately I haven't been able to spend as much time with him as I would like to because we are both in school and have part-time jobs. He likes to spend time with his family and go out drinking with his friends plus he is in two bands so he has to practice. I go to the gym and cook a lot (for myself). I would go out with him but our lifestyles are so different that I don't like going to bars because I don't like drinking and I don't go to church with him and his family because they all go out to eat afterwards. I wish I had friends who don't drink or, just friends, or family to visit, but I don't. And since we work completely opposite school and work schedules whenever I am home by myself he usually isn't around and it gets very depressing. I feel like we are drifting apart.

Next problem. We both smoke 9pot0. And I feel like whenever we ARE together that is ALL we do together. And when I have brought this up before he gets kind of mad like "well what else are we supposed to do?" And to be honest I really don't know. We are two completely different people that there's nothing really in common TO DO! I don't want us to drift apart and I really want to fix this and I know the first thing would be to give up smoking. I hate the fact that I do it and it is the only unhealthy thing I really do anymore. I feel like it is bringing me down.

But then I know that the rest (or most) of the problem is myself. Why don't I just do something instead of sitting home all bored and depressed? Well I don't know what to do either! Maybe I'm just a boring person without any friends to hang out with? Well I know I'm really independent so I don't need people around me constantly but I'm also really really shy and don't make friends easily. I don't know what to do. I have no other interests and people my age all just want to drink and do unhealthy stuff. So I feel like me and my relationship are stuck in a rut.

[SheWulf]

You're not alone, and you're not boring. I know exactly how you feel, it's somewhat "weird" to be in your early 20's and not want to party all the time.


It's not as bad if you have a boyfriend or a good friend who you can connect with, and just be yourself.

Why do you smoke weed?

Not judging, but I used to be really into drugs, and I realized a lot of my relationships were just based on the drugs and alcohol, and when you eliminated them, we had nothing in common.


Something you definitely want to think about if you want to marry someone.

[Jaw-Knee]

1. If you like to burn, then you shouldn't feel like you have to give it up. It's not as bad for you as people will tell you. Maybe ease up on it a little bit if you feel like it's bringing you down, because if you go into it with that mindset you'll bring yourself down.

2. You don't have to drink at the bar.

3. Do you ever go to any of his gigs?

[dunkonu9]

Sounds like you guys are just together because your comfortable with one another.

Really think you need to take a long hard look and see if this is what you want your life to cintinue to be like. I think you had a good run but your priorities have changed and it is good this has all come to light before marriage or kids. Maybe you need to find friends you have things in common with. There are tons of people your age that live a healthy lifestyle you just need to look around there are tons that post right in here.

Best of luck to you but I think you have done your own soul searching and you know the answers to your own questions.

[futurebird]

I don't know it sounds like you're not getting what you need out of the relationship. People don't really change much, but they can change a*little* --first see if each of you can make some small changes and meet half-way.

If it's still feeling wrong then move on. I hate to say it but... yeah.

[JAWS22]

Internet Jesus and Dunker hit it on the head. It does sound like y'all only get together and do things that you both have in common. You need to see if y'all can be together without doing anything specific.

[IronCitGrl]

Why do you smoke weed?

I really don't have an answer for this. I started when I started dating my fiance. Never really used to before that just every once in awhile.

Sounds like you guys are just together because your comfortable with one another.

Really think you need to take a long hard look and see if this is what you want your life to cintinue to be like. I think you had a good run but your priorities have changed and it is good this has all come to light before marriage or kids. Maybe you need to find friends you have things in common with. There are tons of people your age that live a healthy lifestyle you just need to look around there are tons that post right in here.

Best of luck to you but I think you have done your own soul searching and you know the answers to your own questions.

I don't know the answers. I want to fix this because it would be terrible if we were to break up. But right now I feel like he has so much going on and I just have SOME stuff going on so it feels very one-sided. I feel like I'm at home without him more than he is home without me. I want to do something like find a new hobby in place of smoking and being alone, but then it might just drive us apart more. So do I try to ask him to quit smoking and see how that goes or should I just quit being sad and find something to do when he's not here? Or would that be counter-productive since adding something else to the plate would cause us to not see each other more? Seriously we haven't even had sex in like three weeks.

[dunkonu9]

I don't know the answers. I want to fix this because it would be terrible if we were to break up. But right now I feel like he has so much going on and I just have SOME stuff going on so it feels very one-sided. I feel like I'm at home without him more than he is home without me. I want to do something like find a new hobby in place of smoking and being alone, but then it might just drive us apart more. So do I try to ask him to quit smoking and see how that goes or should I just quit being sad and find something to do when he's not here? Or would that be counter-productive since adding something else to the plate would cause us to not see each other more? Seriously we haven't even had sex in like three weeks.

It sounds like you have changed your priorities in life. You have matured want to settle down get married and have kids. He seems like the type that still has these dreams of making it big and spending his whole living it up playing gig's and partying it up. This is just what I get from the outside looking in and from the little info you provided. I do not think finding a new hobby would take more time away.

Well it seemed you had a clue to what you wanted to do. If seems that you were just asking to verify what you thought was the right answer actually was the right answer. No sex in three weeks to a couple is pretty alarming especially if it is because of the man. I know my wife could care less about sex anymore but I usually can't got more than three hours.

I think you would have a hard time convincing him to quit smoking. You said you mentioned it a little before and it did not seem like he was into it. You can give it a shot. You need to let him know how you feel and that you two need to schedule some US time in your schedules. One day it will be kids and soccer games you will need to do it then too. What things are you interested in doing? What hobbie would you take up? Do you have a dog?

[Jaw-Knee]

I really don't have an answer for this. I started when I started dating my fiance. Never really used to before that just every once in awhile.

Then it's most likely because you just like to do it.

My advice would be to sit down with your fiance the next chance you get and discuss making time for one another. Seriously. It's amazing what a good talk can do.

If things don't work out after that, well, then you'll know what to do. But talk.

[rumple39]

This is a relationship question. So in order to get a serious non-******* answer I decided to post it in this misc. thread.

Ok here it goes. I have been dating my fiance for about 3 1/2 years and we are getting married in a year. Lately I haven't been able to spend as much time with him as I would like to because we are both in school and have part-time jobs. He likes to spend time with his family and go out drinking with his friends plus he is in two bands so he has to practice. I go to the gym and cook a lot (for myself). I would go out with him but our lifestyles are so different that I don't like going to bars because I don't like drinking and I don't go to church with him and his family because they all go out to eat afterwards. I wish I had friends who don't drink or, just friends, or family to visit, but I don't. And since we work completely opposite school and work schedules whenever I am home by myself he usually isn't around and it gets very depressing. I feel like we are drifting apart.

Next problem. We both smoke 9pot0. And I feel like whenever we ARE together that is ALL we do together. And when I have brought this up before he gets kind of mad like "well what else are we supposed to do?" And to be honest I really don't know. We are two completely different people that there's nothing really in common TO DO! I don't want us to drift apart and I really want to fix this and I know the first thing would be to give up smoking. I hate the fact that I do it and it is the only unhealthy thing I really do anymore. I feel like it is bringing me down.

But then I know that the rest (or most) of the problem is myself. Why don't I just do something instead of sitting home all bored and depressed? Well I don't know what to do either! Maybe I'm just a boring person without any friends to hang out with? Well I know I'm really independent so I don't need people around me constantly but I'm also really really shy and don't make friends easily. I don't know what to do. I have no other interests and people my age all just want to drink and do unhealthy stuff. So I feel like me and my relationship are stuck in a rut.

Hello,
Let me tell you, you are not alone, I have been married for 22 years and I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family, I do not like drinking, I do however like to go out and dance, but I do not anymore because of years of being controlled and run into the ground I do not have friends to go out with. But anyway his family will always come first and if he wants to do something you don't agree with, he will do it anyway, because the way some guys think, if you don't like it you know what to do.
My father in law is the worst person I have ever met and he has done so many things to me he has even talked badly about my kids, he is just one who likes to talk about everyone but his self, but you would think that my husband would stand up for me, nope, I am told I deserved it. Well no one deserves that.
So whether you have experienced this or not, you will always be at the bottom.
Life is to short, be happy and if you have to think about it, you shouldn't go through with it.
Have you talked to him about any of this?
Maybe he does not realise how you feel, you should talk to him and go from there.
Good Luck!!

[erinlee01]

Then it's most likely because you just like to do it.

My advice would be to sit down with your fiance the next chance you get and discuss making time for one another. Seriously. It's amazing what a good talk can do.

If things don't work out after that, well, then you'll know what to do. But talk.

I agree 100% with this. If you're not comfortable talking to him about something that is bothering you in your relationship, it's already doomed. A lot of people marry people with whom they have nothing in common with, but they have great open communication lines and can get what they need/want out of the relationship. One thing is for sure, though, if you don't talk to him, things won't get better.

Hello,
Let me tell you, you are not alone, I have been married for 22 years and I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family, I do not like drinking, I do however like to go out and dance, but I do not anymore because of years of being controlled and run into the ground I do not have friends to go out with. But anyway his family will always come first and if he wants to do something you don't agree with, he will do it anyway, because the way some guys think, if you don't like it you know what to do.
My father in law is the worst person I have ever met and he has done so many things to me he has even talked badly about my kids, he is just one who likes to talk about everyone but his self, but you would think that my husband would stand up for me, nope, I am told I deserved it. Well no one deserves that.
So whether you have experienced this or not, you will always be at the bottom.
Life is to short, be happy and if you have to think about it, you shouldn't go through with it.
Have you talked to him about any of this?
Maybe he does not realise how you feel, you should talk to him and go from there.
Good Luck!!

I think you're being very pessimistic about this. I have been in your situation (a spouse who didn't stand up for me and who put his family first), but that is not what I read in her situation. She mentioned that she chooses not to go. That means she is welcome to go. If she is welcome, she is not at the bottom. You can not expect someone who is close to their family to give them up because you choose not to go along. There is give and take to all relationships and both need to give a little if they truly want to spend time together.

[SexyChic]

This is a relationship question. So in order to get a serious non-******* answer I decided to post it in this misc. thread.

Ok here it goes. I have been dating my fiance for about 3 1/2 years and we are getting married in a year. Lately I haven't been able to spend as much time with him as I would like to because we are both in school and have part-time jobs. He likes to spend time with his family and go out drinking with his friends plus he is in two bands so he has to practice. I go to the gym and cook a lot (for myself). I would go out with him but our lifestyles are so different that I don't like going to bars because I don't like drinking and I don't go to church with him and his family because they all go out to eat afterwards. I wish I had friends who don't drink or, just friends, or family to visit, but I don't. And since we work completely opposite school and work schedules whenever I am home by myself he usually isn't around and it gets very depressing. I feel like we are drifting apart.

Next problem. We both smoke 9pot0. And I feel like whenever we ARE together that is ALL we do together. And when I have brought this up before he gets kind of mad like "well what else are we supposed to do?" And to be honest I really don't know. We are two completely different people that there's nothing really in common TO DO! I don't want us to drift apart and I really want to fix this and I know the first thing would be to give up smoking. I hate the fact that I do it and it is the only unhealthy thing I really do anymore. I feel like it is bringing me down.

But then I know that the rest (or most) of the problem is myself. Why don't I just do something instead of sitting home all bored and depressed? Well I don't know what to do either! Maybe I'm just a boring person without any friends to hang out with? Well I know I'm really independent so I don't need people around me constantly but I'm also really really shy and don't make friends easily. I don't know what to do. I have no other interests and people my age all just want to drink and do unhealthy stuff. So I feel like me and my relationship are stuck in a rut.

Well I can relate in a way, because I've been with my husband for 7 years and we are the COMPLETE opposite of each other.
He's a gamer and into his stuff...I'm into working out and my own stuff. When I stopped gaming because of my schedule we had nothing in common. Not one thing! And we had to make the effort to find new hobbies. It may seem daunting at first to find things to do together but it really isn't that hard.

To be honest, if you don't find things to do together you will drift apart and possibly break up because of it. Unless you BOTH are the type of people who don't mind having your separate lives going on and then meeting up for "together" time when you just relax and do nothing (which it sounds like what you are doing now). Notice I said both, because if you don't like it and he doesn't mind it because he is so busy, *You* will be the one unhappy in the relationship. Either find yourself some hobbies to keep busy (hiking/biking/swimming/reading/kungfu/whatever) OR plan out fun little dates or activities that you can do together like movie night or go to a jazz bar and enjoy the music.

I don't really drink or party either....I grew out of that phase a long time ago so don't think you are the only one. If all else fails, get yourself a puppy LOL
Good luck!

Oh and I just read the thing about asking him to quit smoking... I don't think that will go over well. Don't try to change the other person, because he is going to think you are trying to control him. YOU need to take control of your life, because you are the one not happy. Don't make your life revolve around him....That's being too clingy.

And it depends on *how* often he goes out to bars without you....If it is more than 1 or 2 nights a week there is a problem.

[CoffeCanSlayer]

Sounds like to me you picked a winner


(yes sarcasm)

[Ridge4120]

Well I can relate in a way, because I've been with my husband for 7 years and we are the COMPLETE opposite of each other.
He's a gamer and into his stuff...I'm into working out and my own stuff. When I stopped gaming because of my schedule we had nothing in common. Not one thing! And we had to make the effort to find new hobbies. It may seem daunting at first to find things to do together but it really isn't that hard.

To be honest, if you don't find things to do together you will drift apart and possibly break up because of it. Unless you BOTH are the type of people who don't mind having your separate lives going on and then meeting up for "together" time when you just relax and do nothing (which it sounds like what you are doing now). Notice I said both, because if you don't like it and he doesn't mind it because he is so busy, *You* will be the one unhappy in the relationship. Either find yourself some hobbies to keep busy (hiking/biking/swimming/reading/kungfu/whatever) OR plan out fun little dates or activities that you can do together like movie night or go to a jazz bar and enjoy the music.

I don't really drink or party either....I grew out of that phase a long time ago so don't think you are the only one. If all else fails, get yourself a puppy LOL
Good luck!

Oh and I just read the thing about asking him to quit smoking... I don't think that will go over well. Don't try to change the other person, because he is going to think you are trying to control him. YOU need to take control of your life, because you are the one not happy. Don't make your life revolve around him....That's being too clingy.

And it depends on *how* often he goes out to bars without you....If it is more than 1 or 2 nights a week there is a problem.

I completely agree with her.

You really need to talk to him and tell him exactly how your feeling. Figure out how to solve the problem together. If you can't talk to him about this stuff, then he's not the one for you. You should be able to approach him about situations such as this.

[swindled]

Well I can relate in a way, because I've been with my husband for 7 years and we are the COMPLETE opposite of each other.
He's a gamer and into his stuff...I'm into working out and my own stuff. When I stopped gaming because of my schedule we had nothing in common. Not one thing! And we had to make the effort to find new hobbies. It may seem daunting at first to find things to do together but it really isn't that hard.

To be honest, if you don't find things to do together you will drift apart and possibly break up because of it. Unless you BOTH are the type of people who don't mind having your separate lives going on and then meeting up for "together" time when you just relax and do nothing (which it sounds like what you are doing now). Notice I said both, because if you don't like it and he doesn't mind it because he is so busy, *You* will be the one unhappy in the relationship. Either find yourself some hobbies to keep busy (hiking/biking/swimming/reading/kungfu/whatever) OR plan out fun little dates or activities that you can do together like movie night or go to a jazz bar and enjoy the music.

I don't really drink or party either....I grew out of that phase a long time ago so don't think you are the only one. If all else fails, get yourself a puppy LOL
Good luck!

Oh and I just read the thing about asking him to quit smoking... I don't think that will go over well. Don't try to change the other person, because he is going to think you are trying to control him. YOU need to take control of your life, because you are the one not happy. Don't make your life revolve around him....That's being too clingy.

And it depends on *how* often he goes out to bars without you....If it is more than 1 or 2 nights a week there is a problem.

Definitely agree with the above user.

To the OP, every relationship is different, but it really sounds like you need some real date time with your fiance to figure out if everything is still what you want.

Instead of asking him not to smoke, when he goes to do it the next time, refuse it. If you continue to refuse it, he may follow suit. But if someone is straight up confronted about it, they will likely just get defensive.

[RebeccaG]

Instead of asking him not to smoke, when he goes to do it the next time, refuse it. If you continue to refuse it, he may follow suit. But if someone is straight up confronted about it, they will likely just get defensive.

IMo that seems a little manipulative. And what happens if it doesn't work?

OP needs to decide - do I wanna smoke? Am I ok if he smokes? I don't see anything wrong with talking to the guy and telling him you wanna quit and would kinda like it if he did, too. If that's what you want, of course. If he says he doesn't want to and you do, you need to decide if you are ok with that. If it's a deal breaker, move on.

[swindled]

IMo that seems a little manipulative. And what happens if it doesn't work?

OP needs to decide - do I wanna smoke? Am I ok if he smokes? I don't see anything wrong with talking to the guy and telling him you wanna quit and would kinda like it if he did, too. If that's what you want, of course. If he says he doesn't want to and you do, you need to decide if you are ok with that. If it's a deal breaker, move on.

I believe she already mentioned that she wanted to quit to him, and that her smoking is bothering her. Sometimes, if one person quits something because they dont want to do it anymore, the other person will follow suit. If the other person doesn't follow suit, then the OP does need to figure out if she is OK with that or not, and the decision from there. If she is serious about quitting, then smoking up with her boyfriend is counter productive. If he wants to smoke up let him, but if the OP feels that she doesn't want to be involved, then she shouldn't have to be and should feel free enough to refuse.

I really don't see quitting something that you don't like to do as manipulative. My aunt quit smoking because she hated how she coughed, and how she felt, and it took my uncle a few years but he also quit because he saw my aunt lose weight and get healthy, and now he wants those same goals for himself. Its less about manipulation and creating something of a good "role model".

[RebeccaG]

I believe she already mentioned that she wanted to quit to him, and that her smoking is bothering her. Sometimes, if one person quits something because they dont want to do it anymore, the other person will follow suit. If the other person doesn't follow suit, then the OP does need to figure out if she is OK with that or not, and the decision from there. If she is serious about quitting, then smoking up with her boyfriend is counter productive. If he wants to smoke up let him, but if the OP feels that she doesn't want to be involved, then she shouldn't have to be and should feel free enough to refuse.

I really don't see quitting something that you don't like to do as manipulative. My aunt quit smoking because she hated how she coughed, and how she felt, and it took my uncle a few years but he also quit because he saw my aunt lose weight and get healthy, and now he wants those same goals for himself. Its less about manipulation and creating something of a good "role model".

I think you misunderstood. Or maybe I misunderstood you. Or maybe both. lol

If OP wants to quit, go right ahead!! That's not the part that I see as manipulative. If she quits with the hope or expectation that it will make her fiance quit is, in my eyes, a form of manipulation.

The story about your aunt and uncle is completely different and I don't see that as manipulation. And good for them!

[do1more]

Its okay to want to change- even if this means ending your relationship with this man.

Now would certainly be a better time then a week before the wedding- or after the wedding- or god forbid after you had a child together. The hurt and possible embarasment to both of you would be much less.

Sometimes we already know what we want to do in our hearts, we just need to find the courage to follow through.

Be strong and make the choice that is right for YOU.

[Mindi912]

Its okay to want to change- even if this means ending your relationship with this man.

Now would certainly be a better time then a week before the wedding- or after the wedding- or god forbid after you had a child together. The hurt and possible embarasment to both of you would be much less.

Sometimes we already know what we want to do in our hearts, we just need to find the courage to follow through.

Be strong and make the choice that is right for YOU.

This

[Ridge4120]

Its okay to want to change- even if this means ending your relationship with this man.

Now would certainly be a better time then a week before the wedding- or after the wedding- or god forbid after you had a child together. The hurt and possible embarasment to both of you would be much less.

Sometimes we already know what we want to do in our hearts, we just need to find the courage to follow through.

Be strong and make the choice that is right for YOU.

Couldn't have said it any better.

YOU are the #1 priority in your life. YOU COME FIRST.

[swindled]

I think you misunderstood. Or maybe I misunderstood you. Or maybe both. lol

If OP wants to quit, go right ahead!! That's not the part that I see as manipulative. If she quits with the hope or expectation that it will make her fiance quit is, in my eyes, a form of manipulation.

The story about your aunt and uncle is completely different and I don't see that as manipulation. And good for them!

Lol, it happens, its an internet forum, misunderstandings are the name of the game.

To the OP, I really do hope it works out. But you do have a lot of soul searching ahead of you, and whatever decision you come to it isn't going to be easy. I've had a number of friend's lately break up with boyfriend's or fiances, and even though they knew it was the right decision, it was hard. I really support your search, because too many people get married without thinking about it all and end up where you are now 3 years into the marriage.

Have you thought about pre-marriage couples counselling at all? It might be a good way for both of you to get issues aired out, it also has a tendency to allow for more civil discussions than just being at home alone may allow.

[swindled]

Its okay to want to change- even if this means ending your relationship with this man.

Now would certainly be a better time then a week before the wedding- or after the wedding- or god forbid after you had a child together. The hurt and possible embarasment to both of you would be much less.

Sometimes we already know what we want to do in our hearts, we just need to find the courage to follow through.

Be strong and make the choice that is right for YOU.

Well said!

[RebeccaG]

Its okay to want to change- even if this means ending your relationship with this man.

Now would certainly be a better time then a week before the wedding- or after the wedding- or god forbid after you had a child together. The hurt and possible embarasment to both of you would be much less.

Sometimes we already know what we want to do in our hearts, we just need to find the courage to follow through.

Be strong and make the choice that is right for YOU.

Lol, it happens, its an internet forum, misunderstandings are the name of the game.

To the OP, I really do hope it works out. But you do have a lot of soul searching ahead of you, and whatever decision you come to it isn't going to be easy. I've had a number of friend's lately break up with boyfriend's or fiances, and even though they knew it was the right decision, it was hard. I really support your search, because too many people get married without thinking about it all and end up where you are now 3 years into the marriage.

Have you thought about pre-marriage couples counselling at all? It might be a good way for both of you to get issues aired out, it also has a tendency to allow for more civil discussions than just being at home alone may allow.

I agree with both posts.


Wish you the best OP!

[Ursula77G]

It seems like you two live very busy lives and have your own interests and independant lives which is a good thing, you can't expect to do and be each other's everything beacuse that is very unhealthy. That being said, I think when two people have been together for long periods of times we can sometimes take each other for granted because you are just so used to them always being around. At this time I think you need to be open with your fiance and try to make some time for each other, it can be to do something as simple as have a favorite tv show that you watch together or have a date night where you cook together. This of course will take some compromising but perhaps sacrificing time devoted to other things but you two are planning on getting married so I'm sure you can do this for each other. You start of that way and slowly you'll start to feel that connection again.
As far as the smoking is concerned, you said you only started when you got together with your fiance and feel like you want to move on from it, not many people smoke their entire lives and give it up eventually so just because he does it doesn't mean you should if you don't want to or enjoy it. Good luck.

[rumple39]

I agree 100% with this. If you're not comfortable talking to him about something that is bothering you in your relationship, it's already doomed. A lot of people marry people with whom they have nothing in common with, but they have great open communication lines and can get what they need/want out of the relationship. One thing is for sure, though, if you don't talk to him, things won't get better.



I think you're being very pessimistic about this. I have been in your situation (a spouse who didn't stand up for me and who put his family first), but that is not what I read in her situation. She mentioned that she chooses not to go. That means she is welcome to go. If she is welcome, she is not at the bottom. You can not expect someone who is close to their family to give them up because you choose not to go along. There is give and take to all relationships and both need to give a little if they truly want to spend time together.

I know she is welcome to go, I am just saying if she thinks it will get better, it will not.
It is not about giving up ones family for someone it is about growing some and standing up for the one your are suppose to love and yourself. You can't let people run all over you. I stand up for myself, no one else will, therefore I become the bad person.
If he does change great, but from experience I don't think it will.
She needs to talk to him and let him know how she feels, if they don't see each other much he may have no idea she is upset.

[RebeccaG]

I know she is welcome to go, I am just saying if she thinks it will get better, it will not.
It is not about giving up ones family for someone it is about growing some and standing up for the one your are suppose to love and yourself. You can't let people run all over you. I stand up for myself, no one else will, therefore I become the bad person.
If he does change great, but from experience I don't think it will.
She needs to talk to him and let him know how she feels, if they don't see each other much he may have no idea she is upset.

You can't generalize all relationships like that.

My husband and I are celebrating 8 years together/3 years of marriage next month. We have some SERIOUSLY rough periods and I expect there to be rough periods ahead. Things will only get 'better' if both of are committed to our marriage and each other and getting through whatever it is we are facing.

Maybe the OP and her fiance will get through this, maybe they won't. But I don't think anyone can say it won't get better cause theirs didn't get better.

[TNetz]

My only advice would be to first, quit the dope. I've never liked the stuff and always found that it made me depressed and killed my motivation. Different strokes for different folks.

You may find your self a little more motivated and willing to take part in these things that you don't want anything to do with right now, church, band sessions, and eating out with the family. The family part sucks, I know, but you better get use to it once you're married lol.

It's ok to not have some things in common. I am obsessed with Jeeps and I go to offroad events throughout the summer. My "new" wife could care less and never goes. In august I have a 4 day event planned and she's sitting out because she has softball playoffs in a bar league, of which I never get a "chance" to attend haha. But we do make time for eachother and try to compromise as to what's important. Family functions for instance.

I will say neither of us does drugs and drinking is a weekend event at home. Very rarely do we ever go out to bars and I can't stand the whole club thing. She likes to dance though so sometimes I bite the bullet and go.

I also know where you're coming from with the schedules. She works 9-5, I'm 9-8. We see eachother in the morning and at night at the gym and that's it. Before that I was in school and working full time so we never really saw eachother. It's hard sometimes because if we're at each others throats we don't have much time to make up and it probably lasts a little longer than it should since we're apart so often.

Now I'm working on getting my schedule down to a normal 9-5 and we make the best of our time together on the weekends. Going out to eat, movies, or hanging out around the house. Sometimes we'll have friends over but that's about it.

In my opinion, you have to accept the hand you're dealt (school, work, schedule) and find ways to make it work because in the end it'll be worth it. But, the negative things like dope, hanging out at the bar every night, and spending time away from eachother when you could be together, doesn't help.

If you find yourself not "willing" to compromise than there are probably reasons for this that you have to figure out on your own. He has to meet you half way though. If he's not, then walk away. It's too easy to "go with the flow" in an engagement only to realize later on that you made a mistake.

[TNetz]

GAT dammit, did I just reply to a month old thread...

[SexyChic]

Notice the OP barely said anything bad about her fiance and you guys are jumping on the "dump him" bandwagon....

He smokes pot...So what? A lot more people smoke pot than you think and that doesn't automatically make them "bad" people. What about all the people that are alcoholics in this country (especially in college).....Don't get me started on abuse of prescription drugs.

He is busy....Aren't we all at one point or the other? Sounds like he has a lot on his plate with a fiance, 2 bands, a parttime job, school and trying to find time for a social life with friends and family.

In ALL relationships there are going to be rough patches, maybe even a breakdown of communication, but that doesn't mean you ditch the person you are ***supposed to be in love with***! And in all honesty, the OP needs to find some hobbies of her own....

If he is ****ty to her then I wholeheartedly agree, she should dump him, BUT from the facts she provided, it doesn't sound like he is. Besides the no sex part...But that's both their fault!