Help with the "other" son (serious)

[rsw1]

A little long but bare with me. Really need help on this one.

So we have 2 sons ages 15 and 16. The 15 year old lives with my wife and I, the 16 year old with his other family (we're remarried, they're step-brothers). We see the 16 year old every two weeks.

The 15 year old is independant and a go getter. Frankly if you didn't know better you'd think he was 19 or 20. Very worldly, hip, cool and has lots of friends. Of course still has the traits of a 15 year old (maturity wise), but still surprisingly "with it". Basically like most kids you see these days.

The 16 year old? Polar opposite. Quite immature for his age, isn't outgoing, and has no freinds to speak of. He lacks confidence, is "afraid" to try new things, lacks initiative, and just cruises through life with no direction. That's "ok" at his house, and everone over there is the same way.

Don't misunderstand me though, he's a good sweet kid. But instead of out raising hell like any other 16 year old, chasing girls and getting in some foolishness, he's in his room playing video games and watching TV. When he does "engage" its' like talking to a 10 year old. Very child like in his outlook and delivery.

His 15 year old step-brother just "tolerates" him. They get along fine, but are far from being "buddies". Just very different people brought up in a very different world.

Up to this point, no "real" problem. Although we hate to see him grow up so sheltered, he doesn't live in our home, so it's not like we can have a great effect, plus, THE DAMAGE IS DONE. How do you undo it anyway? We help him the best we can, but......

So here's our problem. He's now talking about moving in with us!!. Of course as one of our children, he's "welcome", but then you realize, you're SO not prepared to deal with that level of maturity. Our home is just the opposite of his. We're active, hard working, we all have and take initiative, and are bright and creative with our own interests. We're just not ready to raise a "6 year old", if that makes sense.

Any of you delt with a similar situation? I mean, how do you undo the damage? How do create an active outgoing member of society? How do you get a child to finally grow up?

We're considering counseling, but not for him, for us! We simply don't know how to deal with the intrusion, or deal with re-raising a now 16 year old young adult.

Any helpful answers appreciated!

[pilly420]

Well maybe him moving in with you guys is the best thing for him. Give him a chance to see an active, hardworking family. It could possibly the spark this kid needs to get with the program. gl

[rsw1]

Well maybe him moving in with you guys is the best thing for him. Give him a chance to see an active, hardworking family. It could possibly the spark this kid needs to get with the program. gl

That's originally what the thinking was. He needs a better environment, and it'll "all be good".

But now that he seems serious (about moving in), suddenly the weight of it all hits you. You realize, wow, this is "work", like you're starting back over raising a child. And then....you feel selfish for feeling that way.

Bottom line is we lack the "tools" and knowledge to deal with it, not the desire.

[Deborah_Lyn]

Whose son is the gamer's kid?

1) Kids are different. You cant make a gamer geek cool. Ralph the mouth doesn't turn into Fonzy. It just won't happen.

2) Teen years are hell. Reread what you posted about 'golden boy' vs. 'gamer kid.' These kids are different, have different needs, desires. They have to be handled differently. You've spent 100s to 1000s of hours with the one kid, he's going to do as expected. The gamer is unknown, so you may have to try different approaches and maybe won't get the results you wnat. You just will need to keep it real and keep an open dialogue. He is his own person at this age.

3) re" We're considering counseling, but not for him, for us! We simply don't know how to deal with the intrusion, or deal with re-raising a now 16 year old young adult."

sit down with the kid before he moves in. You and your wife will have to have a agreement - no split decisions. No child under your roof splits your attention/devotion. Kids know how to divide and conquer to a ruthless degree.

- set up living rules

*Homework done by saturday afternoon or no Xbox/sp3/wi
*clean rooms/chorse done by XXX
*good grades, etc. whatever you both expect and feel is reasonable

- It is not an intrusion. DROP THAT NOW! This kid's parent and you will need to step up and do what you can. There's obviously issues at work, but how you approach and handle things will defuse most issues if you force the teen to think out wth is going on in their head.

if you force them to think it out and express it to you in clear language, half the battle is down. Kids ( especially boys) get frustrated because they cannot express feelings - rage, anger, hate, love - make it a safe zone so he feels he can talk frankly to both of you - together or alone non judgementally. This is going to be hard but it requires you to both open up and leave the door oepn if he ever needs to talk.

- if you think family couseling is needed, then do it. You won't loose anything but some $$ and a bit of time. It may open up a pathway for everyone involved to talk. Don't wait until a crisis occurs to try to talk frankly to a teenager. it will fail because you won't have their trust even if they are dying inside to trust anyone. Trust requires confidence in you and that takes the investment of time to build it up.

Anyway, good luck. I don't have kids, but my brother has a 26 year old all the way down to a few weeks old. His eldest was a problem kid - his mother feared him, so he moved up here to GA and lived with the extended family for a while. I still shake my head. I'd never fear this kid even at 6'4" and 210 pounds. If their no pysche issues ( bi-polar /off meds) , most things can be addressed by good parenting. Best wishes.

P.S. Gaming isn't evil. he's just not doing what you want, typical child behavior

[bbjjay]

Who son is whose ? That being said you never compare one child to another dude thats just wronge and that will cause alot of resentment down the roads between the kids. 2nd -something wrong when you see your child / stepchild as a intrusion ! 3rd why did you wait till now I mean if I was not digging the way one of my sons (have 2 and 1 stepson )was being raised im going to do something about it he is my child and im dam well going to fight for him Not wait and say O-sh-- when he want to live with me . I mean isnt it a parents job to do what they have too including change your lifestyle its called putting your child first and being a mom and dad ! Remember children are very different take one of my grandsons loves sports his brother dont I and my wife make sure he knows thats ok and we love them just the same and we do ! My son helping him find something to meet his interest . you love your children for what thay are not what you want them to be ! No child is prefect dude including goldenboy . thing could change big time in years to come and gamer could very well end up being the respondable one ! And NEVER refer to him as the OTHER SON that will come back to haunt you !!!!

[pan2sa]

I rarely post, read and absorb more than anything else, but I've got to chime in.

Are you sure this is your son? WTF dude? He is not an intrusion and it sounds like there is no need to "change" him. Different kids act differently.. I have both a 15 year old and an 8 year old...polar opposites as well. That being said, you can force him to make small changes in his lifestyle that may or may not stick. ie, cut back on the video games, eating better, putting him situations where social interaction is mandatory... But to think that he needs to completely change and be more like; what appears to be; your favored son is preposterous. It sounds as if your son may need to mature a tad, but you my friend are the one that needs to grow up.

Our jobs as fathers is not to form an individual into a person that we want them to be, instead it is to guide the person that they become..help them make smart decisions, keep them safe and most of all LOVE them UNCONDITIONALLY.

[DaddyR]

Different kids act differently.. I have both a 15 year old and an 8 year old...polar opposites as well...

Thanks! This is good. I was holding my tongue waiting for somebody to find a better way of putting it than I was tempted to give.

To the OP, I would just caution you that maybe you should view this as an opportunity to learn to tolerate people who are not as hard-charging, "goal-oriented" and extroverted as the rest of your family seems to be. Are you sure you're not just being a little bit prejudiced against those who are more introverted and a little geek-ish? Is he really that immature, or does he maybe just have a different sort of personality from what you prefer?

[bbjjay]

I rarely post, read and absorb more than anything else, but I've got to chime in.

Are you sure this is your son? WTF dude? He is not an intrusion and it sounds like there is no need to "change" him. Different kids act differently.. I have both a 15 year old and an 8 year old...polar opposites as well. That being said, you can force him to make small changes in his lifestyle that may or may not stick. ie, cut back on the video games, eating better, putting him situations where social interaction is mandatory... But to think that he needs to completely change and be more like; what appears to be; your favored son is preposterous. It sounds as if your son may need to mature a tad, but you my friend are the one that needs to grow up.

Our jobs as fathers is not to form an individual into a person that we want them to be, instead it is to guide the person that they become..help them make smart decisions, keep them safe and most of all LOVE them UNCONDITIONALLY.

Well said !!

[KLMARB]

If you can convince his mother, send him to "Outward Bound" for an adventure. Just the ticket to instill confidence and break him from his current lifestyle and attitudes.....

[chodan9]

Who son is whose ? That being said you never compare one child to another dude thats just wronge and that will cause alot of resentment down the roads between the kids. 2nd -something wrong when you see your child / stepchild as a intrusion ! 3rd why did you wait till now I mean if I was not digging the way one of my sons (have 2 and 1 stepson )was being raised im going to do something about it he is my child and im dam well going to fight for him Not wait and say O-sh-- when he want to live with me . I mean isnt it a parents job to do what they have too including change your lifestyle its called putting your child first and being a mom and dad ! Remember children are very different take one of my grandsons loves sports his brother dont I and my wife make sure he knows thats ok and we love them just the same and we do ! My son helping him find something to meet his interest . you love your children for what thay are not what you want them to be ! No child is prefect dude including goldenboy . thing could change big time in years to come and gamer could very well end up being the respondable one ! And NEVER refer to him as the OTHER SON that will come back to haunt you !!!!

excellent post

to the OP
trying to mold a person into your perfect ideal of how they should be is an exercise in futility. You can motivate them, you can inspire them, you can discipline them. but the underlying personality will not be changed unless they wish to make the change themselves.

I have a twin brother, and we are as you put it polar opposites, I was the dreamer, the unmotivated one, nose in a comic book of sci-fi novel struggling with grades, he was an A student, into sports and outdoors stuff.
We both have become successful in our own ways, I am an Network Systems engineer, he runs the family plumbing electric supply business.
Mom told me a while back "I spent so many years trying to get you to act like your brother and failing, now most of the time I wish he would act like you" LOL

[Bando]

The 15 year old's description could well depict a young Daryll Strawberry while the 16 year old's story sounds like a young Bill Gates. You don't know what they will become, you can only love and support them on that journey while they find out.

[Muscle_Sliver]

A little long but bare with me. Really need help on this one.

So we have 2 sons ages 15 and 16. The 15 year old lives with my wife and I, the 16 year old with his other family (we're remarried, they're step-brothers). We see the 16 year old every two weeks.

The 15 year old is independant and a go getter. Frankly if you didn't know better you'd think he was 19 or 20. Very worldly, hip, cool and has lots of friends. Of course still has the traits of a 15 year old (maturity wise), but still surprisingly "with it". Basically like most kids you see these days.

The 16 year old? Polar opposite. Quite immature for his age, isn't outgoing, and has no freinds to speak of. He lacks confidence, is "afraid" to try new things, lacks initiative, and just cruises through life with no direction. That's "ok" at his house, and everone over there is the same way.

Don't misunderstand me though, he's a good sweet kid. But instead of out raising hell like any other 16 year old, chasing girls and getting in some foolishness, he's in his room playing video games and watching TV. When he does "engage" its' like talking to a 10 year old. Very child like in his outlook and delivery.

His 15 year old step-brother just "tolerates" him. They get along fine, but are far from being "buddies". Just very different people brought up in a very different world.

Up to this point, no "real" problem. Although we hate to see him grow up so sheltered, he doesn't live in our home, so it's not like we can have a great effect, plus, THE DAMAGE IS DONE. How do you undo it anyway? We help him the best we can, but......

So here's our problem. He's now talking about moving in with us!!. Of course as one of our children, he's "welcome", but then you realize, you're SO not prepared to deal with that level of maturity. Our home is just the opposite of his. We're active, hard working, we all have and take initiative, and are bright and creative with our own interests. We're just not ready to raise a "6 year old", if that makes sense.

Any of you delt with a similar situation? I mean, how do you undo the damage? How do create an active outgoing member of society? How do you get a child to finally grow up?

We're considering counseling, but not for him, for us! We simply don't know how to deal with the intrusion, or deal with re-raising a now 16 year old young adult.

Any helpful answers appreciated!

You sound like a right f@cking ****.

[rsw1]

Well this a public forum, so you take the good with the bad. I can live with that. Before setting the record straight, I like to thank those that DIDN'T jump to conclusions, make an ass of themsleves, name call, and leave feedback based on their own narrow minded assumptions.

If you'd read in between the lines, be open, understanding of what I said, and not jump on the "slam the idiot" bandwagon, plainly feeding off others replies, perhaps you would have had something actually USEFUL to say. I was looking for mature feedback (thanks deborah lynn, daddy r and others for your well thought through and gentle response).

So in my defense and to set the record straight.....

#1. I very intentionally tried to keep my explaination short, so not to bore the reader, and get to my question. I could have gone on for pages with a more detailed explaination of the situation to prevent the "bash", but chose instead to keep it brief thinking most would read in between the lines and understand what I was trying to convey.

#2. The reason the 16 year old is somewhat alienated and we don't have a hand is raising him would take way too long to explain. Trust me when I said, we have "tried" to have an influence on his life, but with the situation, it's virtually impossible. (note: a little faith and belief in your fellow man would go a long way here)

#3. I never called the 15 year old a "goldenboy" or even implied he was, YOU DID. Nor did I prop him up as though he's the captain of the football team. He's not, and far from it. This was your ASSUMPTION. I was pointing out that he's "age appropriate". We all know kids these days grow up fast and are surprisingly mature for their age (almost in a scary way).

#4. My wife and I don't have an intolerant bone in our bodies. If one of our kids revealed he was gay, we coudln't care less and would support and love him just the same. That's us.
We don't ever "compare one child to the other", but like any parent, we're VERY concerned about "development".

#5. I never said the 16 year old was a gamer. YOU focused in on video games, but skipped.......

What I was refering to was "maturity" at 16 years old. That's why I was saying "like a 10 year old", and "very childlike in his outlook".

Give you an example. You take him to a store, ballgame, wherever? He still wants and asks for stuffed toys, plastic army men, giant erasers, and coloring books.

Now picture this: This is coming from the mouth of a full grown "man". Yes, he hit puberty 2 years ago, been shaving for a year, deep voice, 5' 11" tall strapping young man.

He's not developmentally a 16 year old though. Now even 15. More like 8 or 10. Its' not that he's "slow", or has mental issues, he was "raised" that way. He's a product us his CURRENT environment.

So the question was (in so many words), have any of you run into a similar situation? Any suggestions on how you "undo" underdevelopment?

Again, it's not about "tolerance", its' about gaining knowledge on how to deal with a child that developed slowly as a product of "upbringing".

#6 The term intrusion (which a lot of you keyed in on), was meant to suggest this is all very confusing to a parent when you realize how unprepared you are to deal with something outside your normal routine and outlook. Most poeple just aren't prepared or have the natural tools to deal with things outside their realm of understanding. We only have love and desire, but that will only get you so far.

[DaddyR]

Hey don't blame people for reading what you wrote. Thanks for trying to set the record straight, but you can only blame yourself for giving us all the (allegedly) wrong impression.

You still come off as sounding more than little unduly negative towards this kid. Not everyone matures at the same pace. I say give him time and be patient. Exposure to your family should be helpful. But I still caution against being unfairly demanding. Give him love and acceptance instead of judging him and he will come along.

Maybe it's just your hatred of those responsible for his "current environment" that's clouding your perceptions. Something is still not quite "right" about your attitude towards this kid. He's your SON, not a propblem. Give him a chance - meet him where he is and nurture him. He will come along.

P.S. - My youngest has always been much less responsible and much more immature than my eldest, even given the difference in ages. Then she turned 18 and got a job and suddenly it's like she is a different person. She still does things that make me wonder, and she will never be the same as her big sister, but it wasn't really anything I did. She just grew up. Some things just happen.

[GreenWave1]

I can see why people are getting on your nuts, so to speak. Your fear and frustration are coming through as rejection of the kid. I can see where you are concerned that having him live with you would be a disruption and potentially a lot of work. It is understandable that you feel that way.

Now, let's get to it. He's 16. You will have him live with you for 2-6 years (say he goes to community college and lives with you). In that time, you will have the opportunity to help him grow up and get ready for life. It will be work. It will be a challenge. It will be disruptive. But if you can (and want to) do it, it will be worth it. He is a person and needs a chance.

If he stays in his current situation, what does his future look like? If he lives with you, what does his future look like?

If there were some other reason that you could not take him in (special needs child living with you, for example), then I could see your point. However, your son seems like he is on track and does not need a lot of hands on attention.

You have a great opportunity to do something special and change a persons life. Are you up to it?

[flexigirl]

You said it beautifully. I have 3 completely different children. My oldest is 20 and is so different from the youngest, who will turn 13 May 28th, you wouldn't even think that they are brothers. Kids are a challenge. You never know what really motivates their behavior.

I have a 14yr old daughter that was outgoing and into sports, had tons of friends. Suddenly, when she hit 8th grade, she became withdrawn & sullen, lost most of her friends. I went nuts trying to figure out what happened. We did counseling and it paid off. She's back to the vibrant little girl she was before and we're all closer.

Debora_Lyn, you say you don't have children, well if you have the opportunity to be a mentor to one, they will be very lucky.

[rsw1]

Thanks for the reply Daddy R.

"Not everyone matures the same pace".

I'm sure if anyone one of our age (I'm 46) has a grown young man standing in front of them asking for teddy bears, they'd take a few steps back. It's disarming to say the least. Easy to say, "what's the big deal", until it's you dealing with it.

Also, understand, THIS IS NOT something we address with him, nor is it something we use to treat him differently, or with bias or prejudice. We treat him with nothing but love, respect and just like any other kid.

This is something that we (my wife and I ) are privately struggling with how to help him. It's not about "people being different", it's about helping him move on with his life.

BTW, thanks for the note about your daughter. I was think of him getting a job would be a similar important step too. Interesting the change in you case.

[rsw1]

I can see why people are getting on your nuts, so to speak. Your fear and frustration are coming through as rejection of the kid. I can see where you are concerned that having him live with you would be a disruption and potentially a lot of work. It is understandable that you feel that way.

Now, let's get to it. He's 16. You will have him live with you for 2-6 years (say he goes to community college and lives with you). In that time, you will have the opportunity to help him grow up and get ready for life. It will be work. It will be a challenge. It will be disruptive. But if you can (and want to) do it, it will be worth it. He is a person and needs a chance.

If he stays in his current situation, what does his future look like? If he lives with you, what does his future look like?

If there were some other reason that you could not take him in (special needs child living with you, for example), then I could see your point. However, your son seems like he is on track and does not need a lot of hands on attention.

You have a great opportunity to do something special and change a persons life. Are you up to it?

Perhaps I did deserve "some bashing" Greenwave. Again, I was trying to be "brief"
and get to the point, but it came off as harsh. Regardless, the assumptions and name calling is BS I could have done without.

And yes, we are up to it. My question was "how", not "should we". Looking for a little direction from people our age that may have had similar experience.

Kids ARE all different. I have 3 sisters and we're like night and day from each other. Again, not the point. Sooner or later in our hopefully long lives, we come across a situation we don't know how to deal with. So, we reach out for similar experience or advise from our peers.

[DaddyR]

In my youngest's case she went from being a 17 year old absolute spoiled brat to an 18 year old caring, thoughtful forward-thinking young adult. It was almost creepy. As a 17 year old she wasn't anything remotely like an adult, yet a few months later, she still isn't there but she's a different person.

I think your 15 year old is very unusual, and his remarkable maturity has set you up for an even greater shock with the 16 year old. When I hear "16 year old" I don't think of anything like a full grown adult, except maybe sometimes in terms of physical stature. So maybe it's just that your kids are on opposite extreme ends of the spectrum of "normal", and it's got you all discombobulated. Not to worry: it sounds to me like they're both okay, and will both turn out just fine.

[pan2sa]

Well this a public forum, so you take the good with the bad. I can live with that. Before setting the record straight, I like to thank those that DIDN'T jump to conclusions, make an ass of themsleves, name call, and leave feedback based on their own narrow minded assumptions.

If you'd read in between the lines, be open, understanding of what I said, and not jump on the "slam the idiot" bandwagon, plainly feeding off others replies, perhaps you would have had something actually USEFUL to say.

Wow, perhaps you should reread your original post... The problem with "public forums" is that it is EXTREMELY easy to misread since there is no facial expressions, hand gestures, and no inflection in tone of voice. The reader NEEDS to be lead so that misinterpretation does not take place..

#2. The reason the 16 year old is somewhat alienated and we don't have a hand is raising him would take way too long to explain. Trust me when I said, we have "tried" to have an influence on his life, but with the situation, it's virtually impossible. (note: a little faith and belief in your fellow man would go a long way here)

Sorry bro', I call BS.... You couldn't keep me away from my kids if a firing squad were standing in between us.. Fathers have legal rights. If you WANTED to work to change his behaviors you would have, instead you took the easy road and looked the other way.

#3. I never called the 15 year old a "goldenboy" or even implied he was, YOU DID. Nor did I prop him up as though he's the captain of the football team. He's not, and far from it. This was your ASSUMPTION. I was pointing out that he's "age appropriate". We all know kids these days grow up fast and are surprisingly mature for their age (almost in a scary way).

Your direct quote... "The 15 year old is independent and a go getter...... Very worldly, hip, cool and has lots of friends......etc, etc." Now the other: :"The 16 year old? Polar opposite. Quite immature for his age, isn't outgoing, and has no friends to speak of...etc, etc."

Again, this sounds to me as well as to others that you favor this boy because of his outgoing nature. Sorry, but I calls em' as I sees em'.

#5. I never said the 16 year old was a gamer. YOU focused in on video games, but skipped.......

Yes you did, here's your quote... "Don't misunderstand me though, he's a good sweet kid. But instead of out raising hell like any other 16 year old, chasing girls and getting in some foolishness, he's in his room playing video games and watching TV. When he does "engage" its' like talking to a 10 year old. Very child like in his outlook and delivery."

What I was refering to was "maturity" at 16 years old. That's why I was saying "like a 10 year old", and "very childlike in his outlook".

Give you an example. You take him to a store, ballgame, wherever? He still wants and asks for stuffed toys, plastic army men, giant erasers, and coloring books.

Now picture this: This is coming from the mouth of a full grown "man". Yes, he hit puberty 2 years ago, been shaving for a year, deep voice, 5' 11" tall strapping young man.

He's not developmentally a 16 year old though. Now even 15. More like 8 or 10. Its' not that he's "slow", or has mental issues, he was "raised" that way. He's a product us his CURRENT environment.

So the question was (in so many words), have any of you run into a similar situation? Any suggestions on how you "undo" underdevelopment?

Again, it's not about "tolerance", its' about gaining knowledge on how to deal with a child that developed slowly as a product of "upbringing".

#6 The term intrusion (which a lot of you keyed in on), was meant to suggest this is all very confusing to a parent when you realize how unprepared you are to deal with something outside your normal routine and outlook. Most people just aren't prepared or have the natural tools to deal with things outside their realm of understanding. We only have love and desire, but that will only get you so far.

At this point I will stop being negative and "prove you wrong-ish" (sorry, I love a good argument) and begin being productive...

You have to give the kid some credit for maturity, your completely skipping over the fact that he WANTS to change... hence the reason he want to come live with you. There is something that he desires about the lifestyle you lead and wants to take part.

Now I'm not stating that he does not have any "difficulties" that he will have to deal with, nor am I saying that your a giant douche bag for asking opinions about parenting on a body building forum. We all seek guidance from different places... what I am saying is that there should be no question as to how to get the ball rolling. That was the entire intention of my original response BTW...

Start small, enroll him in a social interaction group. (make sure this revolves around HIS likes) If you don't know what he likes then shame on you, fix it fast by taking him somewhere by yourself and find out. ie, If he likes coloring books then buy him a freakin art set and enroll him in the local community art class... he wont be using crayolas anymore, he'll learn something new and possibly meet some people in the process.

My apologies for getting fired up originally, but lemme tell you why... last year me and my son had a terrible relationship. He would screw up in school, I would yell, he would go to his room and do whatever for the rest of the night.... He would never interact with the family, he constantly wanted to be somewhere else with other people and then I found out he had started using drugs... I flipped. Then I got laid off.... I spent the entire summer trying to find out who my kids were, and it worked. My son now gets up with me every morning at 6 to hit the gym. He knows our routines almost as good as I do.. in fact, he's freakin' shredded... almost 16, 145 lbs, and 5% body fat... nuts, I know.

Now to get to the point, he was like that before because of ME. So you see, when you speak I'll of your child, your really telling the rest of the world what a poor father you have been to him.. to then turn around and blame someone else is just failure to accept responsibility and lame..

If your on a BB forum then you have made changes in your life and you must have some amount of drive. Now take that drive and turn it onto your son, who sounds like he's quietly pleading for you to help him...

[bbjjay]

Sorry dude if you think I was being unkind never meant it that way only responded to what you wrote. let take a min to tell you where Im coming from-- I got to spend last summer watching my nephew fighting for his life ( he was on trail for murder and yes the death pen was on the table ) He 22 now and doing life without the poss of parole and let me tell you as far as his parents and other family member(myself included) go"s there was plenty of would of ,could of ,should of and blame to go around ! And believe me dude you do not want to have to live with that the rest of your life Ive been a nurse at veteran hosp for 27 yr plus a First Responder
Im one of the people who get to see the real cost of this war up close . let me tell you Ive seen the hurt in to many parents eyes felt there pain heard the if onlys but I wont get in to it to much dont think BB.com is ready for that . But When I see a parent whose got a chance to make a differents in there childs life well I just think they dont know how truely lucky that they are some who wont ever have that chance again .my point is this -love your child while you got the chance and love him for what thay are he only 16 and far from being a man and he will growup thay all do !(him wanting to move in with yous might be his way of starting this process) Do what ever you have to to help him along after all your his dad there is no magic wisdom/ words to rasing kids and it can be very hard at times believe me I know all kids are different what works for one does not for the other and there is no such thing as the perfect parents we all make mistake like Ive told my sons I might not like everything you do In your life but I will always love you and always be your dad. sometimes dude thats all you can do be there for them when thay need you and thay will ! Hope all worksout for you and your family---Hang in there and do NOT ever giveup on him

[LyingSac]

A little long but bare with me. Really need help on this one.

So we have 2 sons ages 15 and 16. The 15 year old lives with my wife and I, the 16 year old with his other family (we're remarried, they're step-brothers). We see the 16 year old every two weeks.

The 15 year old is independant and a go getter. Frankly if you didn't know better you'd think he was 19 or 20. Very worldly, hip, cool and has lots of friends. Of course still has the traits of a 15 year old (maturity wise), but still surprisingly "with it". Basically like most kids you see these days.

The 16 year old? Polar opposite. Quite immature for his age, isn't outgoing, and has no freinds to speak of. He lacks confidence, is "afraid" to try new things, lacks initiative, and just cruises through life with no direction. That's "ok" at his house, and everone over there is the same way.

Don't misunderstand me though, he's a good sweet kid. But instead of out raising hell like any other 16 year old, chasing girls and getting in some foolishness, he's in his room playing video games and watching TV. When he does "engage" its' like talking to a 10 year old. Very child like in his outlook and delivery.

His 15 year old step-brother just "tolerates" him. They get along fine, but are far from being "buddies". Just very different people brought up in a very different world.

Up to this point, no "real" problem. Although we hate to see him grow up so sheltered, he doesn't live in our home, so it's not like we can have a great effect, plus, THE DAMAGE IS DONE. How do you undo it anyway? We help him the best we can, but......

So here's our problem. He's now talking about moving in with us!!. Of course as one of our children, he's "welcome", but then you realize, you're SO not prepared to deal with that level of maturity. Our home is just the opposite of his. We're active, hard working, we all have and take initiative, and are bright and creative with our own interests. We're just not ready to raise a "6 year old", if that makes sense.

Any of you delt with a similar situation? I mean, how do you undo the damage? How do create an active outgoing member of society? How do you get a child to finally grow up?

We're considering counseling, but not for him, for us! We simply don't know how to deal with the intrusion, or deal with re-raising a now 16 year old young adult.

Any helpful answers appreciated!

off the top of my head it seems like you are judging a little harshly.....just sayin

[Tyrbolift]

It's possible that he acts more childlike becaause that is the only way he gets love and attention from his current family. if he acts more grown up, he may get more rejection from them, or simply ignored more.

There most certainly must be some dynamics going on here, for the kid lost his real father, and knows that a year later a half brother was born from a different woman that his father selected. In his eyes, you rejected his mother as well as him.

[rsw1]

Thanks everyone. This was the kind feedback I originally sought. Although it may not be practical "hands on" advise, the encouragement and motivation I've received from you guys I'm certain is 90% of the battle anyway.

I know a lot have questioned "why" the alienation and estrangment from our son. Guys......there are some horrible people in this world, that live to make others lives as painful as possible, and use this country's rediculous child custody and child support LAWS as a weapon. This childs "parents"?. Frankly even If I only casually knew them, I would still say I have never seen or witnessed such self-absorbed, cold, selfish couple. I've used the term "evil" many times, I didn't mean that figuratively.

To watch an adult use their children as "tool", to get what they want, and live their lives how they want. To use intimidation and legal extortion to keep the other (in this case normal/loving) parent at bay and alienate is something I hope you never experience.

You've all heard horror stories about peoples "ex's"?, we live it. Ironically, it's nothing we've "done" to these people. They just enjoy watching others pain. It's like a sick game, with "0" regard on their part for how it effects the child.

Pan2sa, you really think "fathers have equal rights"? They don't. Period. Fathers "rights" are a joke, with a legal system that treats them like criminals. Google "fathers rights". Sure, there's 100's of groups and sites, but really?, it's just people like myself pissing a moaning in impotent fashion. There are no solutions to this countries laws and especially in my state. I get a harrasing letter from the Texas Attorney Generals office DAILY. Why? Because they can. Because the laws say the custodial parent can bitch and petition the "court" about eveything from A-Z. What does it all add up to? Harrasment by people that enjoy it (the ex), and a court system that only reacts to whatever they say.

Also, I had to LOL at the comment about posting on the BB.com messege board. You're right, it's is strange approuch, but my reasoning was simple.
I generally have a great deal of respect for those that frequent the "over 35" section. You guys are just regular people, and that's what I needed. Advise from those that have been there and done it. I've seen love, support, brotherhood, and a certain kinship from the over 35 crowd that's unusual to find elsewhere. BB site or not.

Now, do you invite "bashing"? Hell yes. To this day I still feel sorry for the poor guy that said something about "he likes a few drinks after work". Jesus, talk about a dog pile. Instead of decent, caring advise you usually get, he's still missing 20-30 pieces of his "alcoholic" ass!!........LOL. Like I said, you take the good with the bad.

In closing. That's again for the advise and the support. Sometimes we all just need a good swift kick in the butt to get our heads out of the gloom, to start thinking more clearly, and to encourage us to fight the good fight and not throw our hands in the air in frustration. There's no "instruction manual" for life, so we occasionally lean on others.

[agsuper]

rsw1
Could not agree more about fathers rights. Lucky for me my ex quit playing those games years ago and our relationship is very good. However it could easily be a nightmare like you are describing. You do see some bashing on this site from time to time but it is still way better than other sites I visit (especially Texags.com).