Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[AdamWW]

Hey , thanks for your reply, I totally get where you are coming from. Recovering from this is really hard and I want to use lifting as a way to switch my mind set to do more positive things for my body and feel able to fuel it more. I have a therapist who feels it is a good idea if it helps me to gain weight. As you said its important not to let it be a coping mechanism. but maybe it will let me love my body as I recognise its strengths.. i hope so ..

Just be sure to share your feelings openly and 100% honestly with your therapist and especially yourself. engaging in exercise too soon in recovery can get you stuck in 'quasi-recovery' indefinitely... fixing your thoughts is 1000000x more important than building muscle and 10000000000000x more important than mitigating how much fat you have.

[AdamWW]

This is a more mentally-focused topic which I wanted to share in the event anyone else shares these feelings and experiences. Until recently I was unaware of this information and being in-the-know has really helped me understand some of the root causes of my own ED.

There is a condition known as 'Impostor Syndrome' which is characterized by a state of self-doubt and inadequacy, effectively making one feel like they are 'impostors' who are not worthy of their circumstances in life and/or unlike everyone else around them. One extremely common result of this condition is an ongoing sense that the person both cannot excel in the ways other around them can, because they find themselves too different than the rest of the world.

I experience this to a very severe degree, and it has influenced how I manipulate my food and my body.

With my personal eating disorders, they became an area wherein I could excel beyond all others and achieve success that others apparently cannot. At the same time, I started to push away other more important aspects of my life such as work, friends, school etc, often showing as 'half-azzing' and strong procrastination because I never felt compelled to try if I didn't truly feel I would ever measure up to others.

Impostor Syndrome is, much like an ED, self-harming and self-defeating. It pushes you away from others, isolates you, and I believe the two (both ED's and IS), can often go hand in hand.

In my adult life it has caused me to push aside projects and positions at work I simply did not feel confident enough for, simply so I could have more time to control my body however possible. On the other hand, I KNOW I am a master as being in control of food and my body... and it slowly turned into one of the only things I ever felt I was good at: being lean... being in control.

I am working on pushing the Impostor issues out now as well, and hope it helps in my recovery.

Here is a very basic run-down on the ideas. There's also many other more scientific analysis on it online.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOIM...st=WL&index=13


Cheers guys...

[Varioque]

Hello I could use some reassurance. I am in recovery from anotexia since 2 years back. First time I am not controlling my intake "whatsoever*" now, and my apetite is endless no matter what I eat. I usually end up eating 2.5k to 4k kCal by rough estimates (compulsive head-estimating). I've been hovering around 21-23 BMI since I was diagnosed (so no weight restoration needed) but as said 'tis the first time I do not restrict and I am scared of becoming fat again... Will the apetite die out? Anyone with similar experiences? Before you ask I have seen a psychiatrist since 1 year back but she is happy if I try to eat more for now...

EDIT: Got very worried since I just had almost 2k for breakfast despite eating a lot yesterday and I eat a lot more fat now as well but still eat a load of PB...

*No counting or measuring or banned foods.

[Varioque]

Hello I could use some reassurance. I am in recovery from anotexia since 2 years back. First time I am not controlling my intake "whatsoever*" now, and my apetite is endless no matter what I eat. I usually end up eating 2.5k to 4k kCal by rough estimates (compulsive head-estimating). I've been hovering around 21-23 BMI since I was diagnosed (so no weight restoration needed) but as said 'tis the first time I do not restrict and I am scared of becoming fat again... Will the apetite die out? Anyone with similar experiences? Before you ask I have seen a psychiatrist since 1 year back but she is happy if I try to eat more for now...

*No counting or measuring or banned foods.

Oh and I've been told to keep up exercise as I like it and have managed to go from 4h running and 3h lifting per week to 2h running and 3h lifting which I was told was OK. I also walk a lot. Normal sized.

[shesprints]

Varioque, you should listen to your hunger. I did NOT do that when I was first recovering, but putting off hunger is like trying to push a balloon underwater... it will keep trying to pop back up and it will FORCE you to eat. Like a lot of recovering anorexics, I developed binge eating disorder because I kept fighting against my body's needs. That was just an additional problem to overcome and really did a number on my head.

If it makes you feel better, you could try to concentrate on getting enough of key nutrients. You know, make sure you are eating fish and/or getting in fish oil, that your D-3 levels are good, that you are getting enough not only of protein but of the B vitamins like B12 (red meat is best for this). Your body needs not only calories--it does need those--but also food variety and good nutrition.

Think back to what you ate before you developed your disorder and were a healthy weight. Revisit some of those meals. For me that honestly means looking back to childhood; I became anorexic at age 13. Then, for MANY years, I severely limited the variety of foods I was willing to eat, which led to nutritional deficiencies and poor health. If I could go back and tell my recovering self anything, it would be to introduce a great variety of foods as soon as possible, though in a measured way so as not to make myself sick (after starvation our digestive systems can have a hard time handling new foods).

[AdamWW]

What you're experiencing is often referred to as 'extreme hunger', and it is extremely common (most recoverying anorexics experience it in their recovery and to varying degrees). How long it lasts is highly individual, some people do through it for weeks, other for months or longer.

As has been said, the way to get through it is to normalize your trust in your own hunger signals. Eat to hunger and honor the cravings you have. I understand it is scary, but it's the best route to recovering.

[Varioque]

Varioque, you should listen to your hunger. I did NOT do that when I was first recovering, but putting off hunger is like trying to push a balloon underwater... it will keep trying to pop back up and it will FORCE you to eat. Like a lot of recovering anorexics, I developed binge eating disorder because I kept fighting against my body's needs. That was just an additional problem to overcome and really did a number on my head.

If it makes you feel better, you could try to concentrate on getting enough of key nutrients. You know, make sure you are eating fish and/or getting in fish oil, that your D-3 levels are good, that you are getting enough not only of protein but of the B vitamins like B12 (red meat is best for this). Your body needs not only calories--it does need those--but also food variety and good nutrition.

Think back to what you ate before you developed your disorder and were a healthy weight. Revisit some of those meals. For me that honestly means looking back to childhood; I became anorexic at age 13. Then, for MANY years, I severely limited the variety of foods I was willing to eat, which led to nutritional deficiencies and poor health. If I could go back and tell my recovering self anything, it would be to introduce a great variety of foods as soon as possible, though in a measured way so as not to make myself sick (after starvation our digestive systems can have a hard time handling new foods).

Well that would make sense for someone who is severely underweight? As I said I hover somewhat around 21-23, but only while restricting my intake so far. Thanks for the input on a varied diet! I know the significance of it already though (it's still very sound advice), as I researched ways to keep my body satiated I soon realized a varied diet beats everything. My ED just had me eat less of everything, with a tendency towards more protein and less fat. I try to eat as varied as possible (sort of cycle through different types of proteins and carbs) while taking a general multivitamin as well as a magnesium supplement. I think it works? Aside from my psychological illness (and the symptoms of calorie deficiency a year back) I have not been ill for more than 2-3 days the past 3 years.

As for looking back for how to eat... Well, from when I was nine or ten I have been overweight, up until 24 years old (three years back) when I embarked on a year-long cut and learned nutrition. Afterwards I realized I only know two types of diets: one that got me overweight and one that got me underweight... Granted, I didn't exercise that much before the cut. As such I do not really have a good reference for what my body needs in terms of food, if I don't want to revert to being overweight.

[Varioque]

What you're experiencing is often referred to as 'extreme hunger', and it is extremely common (most recoverying anorexics experience it in their recovery and to varying degrees). How long it lasts is highly individual, some people do through it for weeks, other for months or longer.

As has been said, the way to get through it is to normalize your trust in your own hunger signals. Eat to hunger and honor the cravings you have. I understand it is scary, but it's the best route to recovering.

I am not sure it is extreme hunger though. I have been maintaining my weight (albeit through restriction, not trusting my TDEE to rise along with my intake) for circa one year, and I am not underweight. Nor is my current body fat that low, I think (some vascularity on arms and a bit more on legs during a workout, basically). How do I know that my body is really hungry and that I am not just looking for an excuse to pig out like crazy? My hunger/fullness signals have been quite whacked the past two years; I have felt actual fullness twice or thrice during that time, and I also feel like eating around the clock, at least until my stomach's so full it's uncomfortable; at which point I stop only because of that, not that I am experiencing distaste in food.

Oh and of course, thanks a bunch for your input. It is really appreciated, I am just very skeptical about these things (as eating disordered people typically are).

[AdamWW]

I am not sure it is extreme hunger though. I have been maintaining my weight (albeit through restriction, not trusting my TDEE to rise along with my intake) for circa one year, and I am not underweight. Nor is my current body fat that low, I think (some vascularity on arms and a bit more on legs during a workout, basically). How do I know that my body is really hungry and that I am not just looking for an excuse to pig out like crazy? My hunger/fullness signals have been quite whacked the past two years; I have felt actual fullness twice or thrice during that time, and I also feel like eating around the clock, at least until my stomach's so full it's uncomfortable; at which point I stop only because of that, not that I am experiencing distaste in food.

Oh and of course, thanks a bunch for your input. It is really appreciated, I am just very skeptical about these things (as eating disordered people typically are).

It doesn’t matter if it is mental hunger or physical hunger, the approach is the same.

Extreme hunger is a multi-faceted symptom and again, is only treated by learning to trust and relearn your body’s cues. It does not matter if you are underweight or not.

A person with extreme hunger can eat huge amounts and be stuffed but still want more... happens all the time, including to me.

If you’re experiencing mental hunger it’s because you have a mental conditioning component likely fueled by specific restrictions. Again, the treatment is to allow yourself to experience food so that it is no longer fearful.

If it’s physical, then again, you have to eat.

Don’t get caught up on the WHY, just focus on treating it.

[Varioque]

It doesn’t matter if it is mental hunger or physical hunger, the approach is the same.

Extreme hunger is a multi-faceted symptom and again, is only treated by learning to trust and relearn your body’s cues. It does not matter if you are underweight or not.

A person with extreme hunger can eat huge amounts and be stuffed but still want more... happens all the time, including to me.

If you’re experiencing mental hunger it’s because you have a mental conditioning component likely fueled by specific restrictions. Again, the treatment is to allow yourself to experience food so that it is no longer fearful.

If it’s physical, then again, you have to eat.

Don’t get caught up on the WHY, just focus on treating it.

This sentiment is partly echoed by my psychiatrist, but she is a lot more pensive and hesitant towards me making too brash changes. I just feel as if I don't really fear any foods, just amounts, which frankly is not a very good excuse. My personal reason for not just "letting go" of all mindfulness in regards to food is honestly a fear of translating anorexia to binge eating disorder.

Don't know where or if I am going somewhere with this. I gave up counting and weighing because I was sick of 2 years of anorexia and thought that the risk of binge eating was a smaller price to pay for my own sanity, so I guess that means I agree with you.

[AdamWW]

This sentiment is partly echoed by my psychiatrist, but she is a lot more pensive and hesitant towards me making too brash changes. I just feel as if I don't really fear any foods, just amounts, which frankly is not a very good excuse. My personal reason for not just "letting go" of all mindfulness in regards to food is honestly a fear of translating anorexia to binge eating disorder.

Don't know where or if I am going somewhere with this. I gave up counting and weighing because I was sick of 2 years of anorexia and thought that the risk of binge eating was a smaller price to pay for my own sanity, so I guess that means I agree with you.

What you describe is a common fear and has been essential proven to be, in almost all (meaning 99%+ of all cases) cases, simply not possible.

True binge eating disorder and restrictive disorders like anorexia have completely different criteria for diagnosis and development. A person who possesses the mental foundation for anorexia/orthorexia/restriction simply does not suddenly morph into a binge eater. It's a very, very common fear as I said and it stands to reason given how ravenous you can be... BELIEVE ME I know... I am living it right now.

But I assure you, it just does not work that way.

I urge you to stop thinking of eating relatively large amounts of food as 'binging'... this is not binging, this is refeeding/reactive eating... it is a response to restrictive conditioning on either your brain or your body OR both at the same time.

Just to give you an example, I am willing to bet that, when you 'binge', you are still aware and in the moment, thinking about what you're eating, not forgetting that you're eating, not in a state mental fog/lack of control. Rather, you are completely aware and in control, but you are making the conscious CHOICE to eat. That is NOT binge eating disorder... THAT is responding to extreme hunger.

You likely fear food quantities because you have yet to prove to yourself that allowing unconditional permission to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and however much you want will not result in anything bad. Once you prove to yourself that life will go on and you will be OK without the shackles of control, you can develop freedom from this fear.

[howardyeates]

Guys I've been weight restored for a few months now. Started rowing a little and become more active now I have to walk to campus, eating plentiful and getting plenty of rest on top of that. For some reason Im constantly fatigued and aching, even without rowing I feel like this so don't think thats the cause of it all. Any one else felt similar or offer some advice

[letsallmakeit]

hello guys. I'm having majorrrr trouble. i can't seem to stop counting calories and its so stressful! how did you guys stop? its making me stressful and full of anxiety. its even counter productive to making gains because of cortisol. but i just cant seem to stop because everyone says its the best way to make progress and i just dont enjoy good since i see it has a calorie. and if i set a caloric goal when i hit it i think i will get fatter. :S i have an ed but i cant have help from the outside since i live in PUerto rico and hurricane maria just wrecked us. almost no jobs here. lastly, i also worry way too much with meal timing. like what if i only ate 3 meals instead of 4? will i lose muscle in a bulking phase?

[Nate118]

@letsallmakeit

I used to have this exact same thought about cortisol and it hindering my gains and therefore, I wouldn't eat more. I came to find that the human body is way more complicated than that. Ultimately, your body will just allocate its resources to building muscle anyway, especially if you're low in weight.

Don't worry about whether you have had 3 or 4 meals. Just try to eat as normally as possible. The only way you'll lose muscle is if you don't eat enough overall calories.

[letsallmakeit]

thanks mate! what about counting calories? i mean its a good tool but i just cant seem to handle the anxiety.

[Nate118]

@letsallmakeit

Ideally => gaining weight w/o counting calories

Less preferable => gaining weight while counting calories

Not preferable at all => no weight gain

Edit: Sorry, I am assuming your ED here. Anorexia? Bulimia? How's your weight/BMI?

[letsallmakeit]

I have extremeeeeee anxiety when countkng callries to gain weight. i get stressed out and even my head hurts and it keeps me out of social activity. i always aim for a calorie for bulking but then when im almost there i get anxious and think that i might get fat from eating 3k cals and i cant even sleep. but then when im nlt counting i get scared i might not be in a surplus >.< im trying to get additional help outside but hwre in puerto rico its hard because we dont have energy due to huricane maria and cant find doctors now.
i dont even enjoy food because i see them as a calorie and when people offer me to taste something i say "nah" because i dont know cals. so im guessing lm anorexic? i also do look at myself in the mirror and see myself "fat" when i know im not.
lastly im dealing with depression. 2 months ago i had a break up leading me alone with just family members. anyone went thro this?
im 25 male 6'2" weight 151

[AdamWW]

I have extremeeeeee anxiety when countkng callries to gain weight. i get stressed out and even my head hurts and it keeps me out of social activity. i always aim for a calorie for bulking but then when im almost there i get anxious and think that i might get fat from eating 3k cals and i cant even sleep. but then when im nlt counting i get scared i might not be in a surplus >.< im trying to get additional help outside but hwre in puerto rico its hard because we dont have energy due to huricane maria and cant find doctors now.
i dont even enjoy food because i see them as a calorie and when people offer me to taste something i say "nah" because i dont know cals. so im guessing lm anorexic? i also do look at myself in the mirror and see myself "fat" when i know im not.
lastly im dealing with depression. 2 months ago i had a break up leading me alone with just family members. anyone went thro this?
im 25 male 6'2" weight 151

Don't fixate on diagnosing yourself into a category/title of eating disorder, it's largely irrelevant unless you're in treatment where they tailor your treatment approach based on the diagnosis.

None of us are professionals, so please take what I say as personal experience/anecdote.

I have seen my best results in recovery so far from focusing only on the mental aspects and removing food from exercise altogether.

This meant not training, not using calorie counting apps, and allowing myself to deal with the pain of anxiety. I understand how hard it is, believe me. I have had an ED/ED's for 14 years, and it almost killed me many times.

I urge you to stop exercising, for now, and stop coming to these forums for calorie/diet advice of any kind.

In short, if you want to know why you're doing something and combat this disease, you MUST stop the anxiety-causing activity 100%. No half-measures, no estimating, no 'counting just ONE meal'... you must stop, if you can.

A wise man once said: if you want to know WHY you do something, STOP doing it, and see what happens. When I stopped training, stopped thinking about my food, and just focusing on FEELING good, my life changed completely. It may not happen over night, or in a week, or a month... but in time you'll find that, as you remove negative stressers from your life, your real interests and values come through.

After that, if training/nutrition is still a genuine interest you can embark on WITHOUT regrets, anxiety, and so on, then go do it! But for now, you MUST break down this wall you've built around yourself. You've put calories and fat on such a high level of importance it's ruining your life.

Wishing you the best of luck, feel free to message me if you need more tips.

PS - One more tip: if you find yourself feeling anxious because you can't track, or are caught in the midst of anticipating tracking, etc, ask yourself this: "How will tracking enrich my life?". Notice there is no mention of your body, your fat levels, or anything. Focus on how everything you do will effect your LIFE... NOT your body... training and all that stuff, it's a small part of your existence... SUCH a small part. YOU are more than your body, YOU are even more than your mind... you are the person beyond your physical body who recognizes that there is a problem.

I know it sounds silly, but try it out.

[letsallmakeit]

holy dude thanks a bunch! the reason why i posted here was because i cant find any medical service right now. and to be honest yesterday i deleted myfitnesspal and i have to admit two things: i restricted a little and at the end lf the day i did actually ended up tracking everything. but i did 1 improvement. i didnt count calories before eating. i just went and ate with a bit of restriction. but like you said, it takes time.

the only thing i can't do is stop exercising and weightlifting to be honest. the reason why its because its my hobby, my stress reliever (but it also causes stress haha) and i just love it and it helps with depression. but im progressing in not counting calories and just go to the gym and have fun while progressing (i do have set goals tho) and if one day i dont progress its not the end of the world. i will go next week and progress.
but for sure i wont see food as a calorie and will enjoy every bite! i know you guys aren't doctors but thanks for the advice! i will post in the future for sure on my progress! but i will progress in stopping coming here

[AdamWW]

holy dude thanks a bunch! the reason why i posted here was because i cant find any medical service right now. and to be honest yesterday i deleted myfitnesspal and i have to admit two things: i restricted a little and at the end lf the day i did actually ended up tracking everything. but i did 1 improvement. i didnt count calories before eating. i just went and ate with a bit of restriction. but like you said, it takes time.

the only thing i can't do is stop exercising and weightlifting to be honest. the reason why its because its my hobby, my stress reliever (but it also causes stress haha) and i just love it and it helps with depression. but im progressing in not counting calories and just go to the gym and have fun while progressing (i do have set goals tho) and if one day i dont progress its not the end of the world. i will go next week and progress.
but for sure i wont see food as a calorie and will enjoy every bite! i know you guys aren't doctors but thanks for the advice! i will post in the future for sure on my progress! but i will progress in stopping coming here

Only you can know what your real motivations are, sir... I cannot see inside your head.

That being said, "Can't stop exercising"... "causes stress"... "bit of restriction"... these are all synonymous with addiction and fear.

The fact that you cannot even fathom the idea of stopping without feeling so stressed goes hand in hand with addiction. You're wasting your life for something that is material and temporary.

Like I said, you need to stop 100% and address your core issues. I know it isn't easy, but this is the reality. if you don't, you will almost certainly (and I mean with 99%+ certainty) never break this dependency. You need to be OK with just being YOU regardless of what life throws at you or if you have to skip training. It's is the only way.

It'll take time to realize this, but I hope eventually you will.

- Adam

[AdamWW]

Sup all. Could use some advice from people who have been through recovery.

Right now, i'm knee-deep in mine, obviously still working through the mental side, trying to gain weight back, etc.

So funny thing happen... girl asked me out for a drink... she's a mutual friend of a bunch of my high-school buddies, and I did know her just a LITTLE way back when... but just didn't end up in the same place. She's super smart, definitely attracted to her physically, etc... frankly if I weren't so in my own head right now I might have already asked HER out on my own, but yeah here we are.

Anyway... I responded intuitively and said "yes" (she asked me if i'd be down for a drink together sometime), because it 'felt' like the right thing to do.

Any thoughts on dating during this process? I'm a bit apprehensive given I'm working through so much, but I'd hate to pass up the opportunity, ya know?

THanks.

[Strawng]

@Adam
I say absolutely pursue dating her if you feel she doesn’t distract from your recovery. I actually met my current girlfriend of close to 3 years now just a month or 2 before I nearly died after a hard & fast relapse with anorexia. We now live together, may soon marry, & she has actually been integral to my recovery. I offer this advice with one caveat: BE UPFRONT with her. Tell her about your ED & mental health issues as soon as you feel you can comfortably broach the subject. If you fail to disclose the details of your recovery, you could easily hurt the both of you. I luckily told my gf the full details of my illness just before my relapse, but I stupidly tried to maintain a relationship before this (at a recovered weight & a still sick mind) wherein I never disclosed my mental health issues...big mistake. Anyways, I say date & invest as much as you can in your relationships as long as you’re upfront with your struggle because physical recovery’s all well & good but I believe mental recovery is impossible without help from strong relationships with friends, lovers, & mentors.

[AdamWW]

@Adam
I say absolutely pursue dating her if you feel she doesn’t distract from your recovery. I actually met my current girlfriend of close to 3 years now just a month or 2 before I nearly died after a hard & fast relapse with anorexia. We now live together, may soon marry, & she has actually been integral to my recovery. I offer this advice with one caveat: BE UPFRONT with her. Tell her about your ED & mental health issues as soon as you feel you can comfortably broach the subject. If you fail to disclose the details of your recovery, you could easily hurt the both of you. I luckily told my gf the full details of my illness just before my relapse, but I stupidly tried to maintain a relationship before this (at a recovered weight & a still sick mind) wherein I never disclosed my mental health issues...big mistake. Anyways, I say date & invest as much as you can in your relationships as long as you’re upfront with your struggle because physical recovery’s all well & good but I believe mental recovery is impossible without help from strong relationships with friends, lovers, & mentors.

Congrats on the success with your lady and of course for the input.

I had very similar thoughts around it but it's always nice to get the experience of others who have gone through these sensitive time... it can be hard to tell right from wrong, constructive from destructive, and objective vs subjective when you're trying to 'find yourself' outside of the disorders.

My primary concern was simply making sure I was doing it for the right reasons and not for an escape or distraction, but I don't think that is the case. There is, though, an interesting correlation between me being single/on my own and my ED taking over. Over the last 2.5 years -- since my ex ended our relationship of almost 2 years -- I have steadily lost 1lb per month, gotten deeper and deeper into all things food-focused (social media, everything). When I am more social, in a relationship, or general not spending time in isolation, the ED tends to fall to the backburner. Of course the nagging awareness is there, but I am able to get away from it because of my proximity and focus on bigger, more diverse things.

Either way, it's very exciting, not just because it's a change but because it is actually the most traditional, natural way (I think) I have ever began any kind of relationship, even if it's just a date right now. My two prior relationships, which ended up not being the healthiest at all, started in more forced ways, whereas this is more organic and doesn't feel to hold as much baggage with it.

Again thanks for the input. Hopefully you're going good yourself!

[mclaughlin223]

For those of you recovering from anorexia, when did you add weight lifting in? I have gained 15lbs so far in recovery, medically 100% stable, abstained from exercise for 8 weeks, but I’m now wanting to start lifting and shifting body componsition to more muscle and honestly just to move.

At first it was great having a break from my exercise routine but now eating more I have tons of energy and I think it would help with stress and my mind.

My pcp said I am fine medically but has no further thoughts...my therapist deflects to her or my dietitian. My dietitian dances back and forth and seems to be ok with it if I make up calories.

Currently 5’10 floating around 116lbs.

Any personal experience or thoughts? Thinking about 3 days a week total body for now

[AdamWW]

For those of you recovering from anorexia, when did you add weight lifting in? I have gained 15lbs so far in recovery, medically 100% stable, abstained from exercise for 8 weeks, but I’m now wanting to start lifting and shifting body componsition to more muscle and honestly just to move.

At first it was great having a break from my exercise routine but now eating more I have tons of energy and I think it would help with stress and my mind.

My pcp said I am fine medically but has no further thoughts...my therapist deflects to her or my dietitian. My dietitian dances back and forth and seems to be ok with it if I make up calories.

Currently 5’10 floating around 116lbs.

Any personal experience or thoughts? Thinking about 3 days a week total body for now

5' 10" and 116 is still very, very, very light....

But believe me I can understand what you mean. I'm 6' and 128lb or so, so you and I have similar BMI's (yours is a bit lower tho)... my recovery is CRAP right now... and I question if even going to the gym for 20min is the right move...

To be honest, at that weight, your recovery will be very slow like I said, but of course medical doctors/therapists probably know enough to advise.

I think it all depends on your mindset and how you react to and get motivated by training. Are you doing it for superficial/controlling reasons, or are you doing it because you think it'll make you physically feel good?

If you do end up going and lifting... I would suggest an extremely minimal routine, honestly just a few lifts like squats/deads/bench/OHP... basic stuff.. don't spend hours in there doing stuff... etc...

But again it's all about how you feel man.

[mclaughlin223]

Thanks for your reply. I went this morning and did a VERY light workout-most just used the bar for squats and bench and some free weight stuff. In and out in less than an hour. Hoping it will help my mood, appetite, etc.,

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Our BMIs are very similar and I am JUST out of the danger zone...which means you are our ounces away from being there...

Are you seeing someone or getting treatment? At that low of a weight it is almost impossible to feed yourself adequately--the physiology of the starved brain will not allow you to think rationally about food, weight, and what you need. Please let me know how I can help. You can't afford to keep back sliding.

Even though I society wants men to be muscular and cut there is a part of my that also doesn't like lifting and just getting bigger. To my ED it is certainly better than just sitting around and gaining weight, but something about it is still hard for me.

I also worry I am not pushing myself hard enough to gain adequate muscle and that the time is kind of wasted. I see these transformation from skinny to ripped or others who have overcome ED only to be a healthy weight but also super buff, lower body fat %, very aesthetically pleasing. I get worried I won't be able to obtain that body composition like they have (a body that is "acceptable" to my ED and society"). It's so hard to find men who just recovered NORMALLY-i.e. from very underweight to normal/average body and loving and living life to the fullest.

[AdamWW]

Thanks for your reply. I went this morning and did a VERY light workout-most just used the bar for squats and bench and some free weight stuff. In and out in less than an hour. Hoping it will help my mood, appetite, etc.,

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Our BMIs are very similar and I am JUST out of the danger zone...which means you are our ounces away from being there...

Are you seeing someone or getting treatment? At that low of a weight it is almost impossible to feed yourself adequately--the physiology of the starved brain will not allow you to think rationally about food, weight, and what you need. Please let me know how I can help. You can't afford to keep back sliding.

Even though I society wants men to be muscular and cut there is a part of my that also doesn't like lifting and just getting bigger. To my ED it is certainly better than just sitting around and gaining weight, but something about it is still hard for me.

I also worry I am not pushing myself hard enough to gain adequate muscle and that the time is kind of wasted. I see these transformation from skinny to ripped or others who have overcome ED only to be a healthy weight but also super buff, lower body fat %, very aesthetically pleasing. I get worried I won't be able to obtain that body composition like they have (a body that is "acceptable" to my ED and society"). It's so hard to find men who just recovered NORMALLY-i.e. from very underweight to normal/average body and loving and living life to the fullest.

Hey bud

I like to think of my recovery as not 'struggling' per se, but more 'working' on something. Yes, I am still medically underweight (17.5 or so, maybe a little higher) BMI, which is actually the cut-off point diagnostically for anorexia. Truth be told, I don't know if my case is traditional anorexia, or a blend of anorexia, orthorexia, exercise addiction, etc. But in any case, the course of action is the same, so maybe the term doesn't matter so much.

I am indeed seeing someone on an out-patient basis. I attempted to work on this on my own, but several things continued to come up and I had to dig deep and be very honest about my need to outside help. You're also correct about the state of starvation effecting ones mental as well as physical ability to feed adequately. Although I experience extreme hunger and I respond to it (as I have been told to do), ultimately there is a rebounding compensatory phase wherein I would lightly restrict calories, etc, and then over exercise in order to cancel out the effects. This is something therapy has been a MASSIVE help with.

When you say you don't like lifting and just 'getting bigger', are you simply saying that despite having more progress in terms of muscle/fat mixture being gained, you still do no want to take up more space?

What I would say about your last paragraph is this: you cannot compare yourself to others. Ever. Frankly, I think it is those people who are able to completely ditch any preoccupation is 'optimizing' what kind of weight they gain (fat vs muscle) and just let the result be what they are, get to the set point weight AND body composition, etc, who are most likely to see long term success.

Of course, I would lying if I said I didn't have similar concerns... but I am definitely getting hugely better.

We have to be honest with ourselves and make the tough decisions. Right now my therapist has me doing a lot of 'check ins' throughout the day to work on my cues and what my body needs. I think i've gotten so used to hunger that sometimes I just don't know if it's food that I want... then suddenly the 'extreme' hunger comes up again and it's like I could consume a house. The check-ins help me become more aware... it's very useful.

But we also need to be honest about WHY we exercise. It's so common for ED's and exercise to go hand in hand that I think exercising during recover is almost impossible to remove from the mental aspect, because exercise burns the calories off.

It's a journey my friend, one that'll hopefully leave us in a closer connection with what we actually want. I haven't tracked calories, weighed my food, etc, in a few weeks, and it's VERY difficult... I have to force myself not to estimate in my head and just do what I feel like. A totally different way of living but every time I silence the ED voice, it's a victory. Whether I go from 7% bodyfat and 128lb up to 200lb and 20%+...who knows... my goal is be OK with being the heavier me, and accepting that there is so much more to life than a number, a waistline, or a 'look'.

PS - one added complexity for me is that, with my current weight loss (I've had my ED for 14 years, but it waxes and wanes depending on certain factors in my life) I have actually been eating what most people consider plenty of food... i've lost an average of 1lb per month for the last 30months or so... went from 160 to where I am now... but this whole time i've been eating anywhere from 2200 to 3500 calories. The problem is, i've basically maintained a SMALL calorie deficit, which is reflected in my weight. So while it may appear I 'eat a good amount', my body just burns it up... this basically means I have to stop moving so much, eat less satiating things, and focus on non-fitness activities.

[ErikTheElectric]

I also worry I am not pushing myself hard enough to gain adequate muscle and that the time is kind of wasted. I see these transformation from skinny to ripped or others who have overcome ED only to be a healthy weight but also super buff, lower body fat %, very aesthetically pleasing. I get worried I won't be able to obtain that body composition like they have (a body that is "acceptable" to my ED and society"). It's so hard to find men who just recovered NORMALLY-i.e. from very underweight to normal/average body and loving and living life to the fullest.

"Recovery" is also completely relative to the individual. The notion of having to be at an arbitrary weight, body fat percentage, or to have a "ripped physique" still means that you have an unrealistic mindset with your disorder. You need to throw out the notion of the fact that you "should" be ripped in order to be "accepted" and avoid comparing yourself to others in recovery.

[Razoro]

Hello from the netherlands , Well my story is this ; my weight started with 57 kilo with many problems : Helicobacter pylori > gastritis > sliding hernia > gastro reflux > food stays very long in stomach > bloating constipation and so on. Well after a strict diet of counting calories for a long time i am now since 3 weeks at the point That i "binge days of around 4K calories" ... i almost dont cook anymore at home and eating outside home or at parents home , i can eat a 20 inch pizza and still got gravings after... i still enjoy my Rice with chicken but i got the gravings for fast carbs too(not everyday)... my days are like : 2000-3000 calories and the other 3000-4500 calories ..my weight is now around 61 kilogram so that is much better.. but i am doing the right way? Or Anyone can find himself in my story? Thanks for Reading !

[Slaten21]

I have ARFID, which limits my food choices. I ran track in highschool and my food choices really didn't affect my overall fitness goals. Since graduating I changed my fitness goal and have been trying to gain more muscle while keeping the fat off. I started going to the gym for the first time ever in February and have recently hit a plateau. I started off gaining muscle but recently it seems to be more fat with my muscle growth just staying the same. A friend of mine mentioned that my nutrition needs to change drastically if I want to see anymore improvements. Has anyone else with a similar disorder found a good nutrition plan that has helped?
MY current diet consist of chicken tenders, pizza, cereal, ice cream, and anything sweet. I have purchased a few different protein shakes that I plan to start using this week. I also only eat 1 major meal a day usually between 5-6 at night. Any help would be appreciated.