Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[letsallmakeit]

by any case felt like i feel? brain fog, mental exhaustion, decline motivation, general fatigue, just wanting to go to bed, feeling like falling down because of little energy, blurry vision, can’t think straight, can’t focus, memorize well and probably other stuff too.

i had testosterone and other hormonal issues before. i had a treatment for testosterone, which is clomid, and it raised my test, but i haven’t checked how my test is at after the clomid treatment labs. haven’t check my overall hormones recently. tbh, i don’t remember if i felt better with the increase, i think i was starting to feel better by the end of treatment, but idk.

i was reading about adrenal fatigued and people not working out for months to recover from that and i’m here like “eh, i don’t think i can’t workout for many months to recover from this if i have it” lol.

[letsallmakeit]

all i know is that right now i don’t even want to go to the gym. i don’t feel it. i’ll see when i’ll get that excitement. i’ll probably be updating here.

[AdamWW]

all i know is that right now i don’t even want to go to the gym. i don’t feel it. i’ll see when i’ll get that excitement. i’ll probably be updating here.

Buddy, you’re overthinking this.

Rest. Recover. Life will go on.

The gym will be there when you’re ready and able to go back and feel good about it.

[letsallmakeit]

Buddy, you’re overthinking this.

Rest. Recover. Life will go on.

The gym will be there when you’re ready and able to go back and feel good about it.

sometimes i feel so motivated by you guys!

thanks a lot!

[AdamWW]

sometimes i feel so motivated by you guys!

thanks a lot!

And the question you posted, yes, I’ve felt plenty of those things and plenty others too.

Try to just be calm, sleep, and take it easy. Fitness is just a tiny, tiny part of the world.... you’re much more than your weight, food, and the gym.

[letsallmakeit]

And the question you posted, yes, I’ve felt plenty of those things and plenty others too.

Try to just be calm, sleep, and take it easy. Fitness is just a tiny, tiny part of the world.... you’re much more than your weight, food, and the gym.

thanks so much!

[letsallmakeit]

gosh i weighted myself this morning and saw an increase. i have anxiety about it, but i just decided to not weigh myself anymore until i feel better and ready to do so.

i also have thoughts about eating less during the time off since idk until when i’ll be taking this time off and also because i will probably not be doing any exercise.

but this is the time to actually take control and improve in my ed recovery by eating. right?

it’s probably also important for my overall health recovery process

[AdamWW]

gosh i weighted myself this morning and saw an increase. i have anxiety about it, but i just decided to not weigh myself anymore until i feel better and ready to do so.

i also have thoughts about eating less during the time off since idk until when i’ll be taking this time off and also because i will probably not be doing any exercise.

but this is the time to actually take control and improve in my ed recovery by eating. right?

it’s probably also important for my overall health recovery process

Dude stop doing things that will trigger you.

Why are you continuing to make these decisions? If you can’t handle the number, then don’t look at it. You’re smarter than this... you know what you need to do

[letsallmakeit]

Dude stop doing things that will trigger you.

Why are you continuing to make these decisions? If you can’t handle the number, then don’t look at it. You’re smarter than this.

yeah I know and I told myself I won’t do it again for a long time.

[Andrew578]

I have been in a 200-300 calorie surplus for around 2 weeks now. However, I am still never satisfied. I still binge at least 2-3 times a week. I am 17 years old and weigh 116lbs (52kg) and am 5'5. Should I just continue to eat and just not really worry much. I am currently tracking calories, should I maybe stop.

[AdamWW]

I have been in a 200-300 calorie surplus for around 2 weeks now. However, I am still never satisfied. I still binge at least 2-3 times a week. I am 17 years old and weigh 116lbs (52kg) and am 5'5. Should I just continue to eat and just not really worry much. I am currently tracking calories, should I maybe stop.

Speak to a professional.

[Andrew578]

Speak to a professional.

like a psychologist?

[AdamWW]

like a psychologist?

yup! Someone who specializes in eating disorders.

[Andrew578]

yup! Someone who specializes in eating disorders.

Ok, thanks. Only problem is my parents. I have already been but not much help

[AdamWW]

Ok, thanks. Only problem is my parents. I have already been but not much help

What do you mean 'not much help'? And what's the issue with your parents? Have you explained to them that ED's can kill you?

[Andrew578]

What do you mean 'not much help'? And what's the issue with your parents? Have you explained to them that ED's can kill you?

No, i don't really speak to them about that kind of stuff. 'Not much help' as in I didn't really benefit from it. Like nothing changed I just went back to my old habits

[AdamWW]

No, i don't really speak to them about that kind of stuff. 'Not much help' as in I didn't really benefit from it. Like nothing changed I just went back to my old habits

How long were you in therapy? What were their methods? Did they actually specialize in ED's?

If you don't talk to your parents about it, then how did you get help to begin with?

[Andrew578]

How long were you in therapy? What were their methods? Did they actually specialize in ED's?

If you don't talk to your parents about it, then how did you get help to begin with?

Yeh they did specialize in ED's. I was doing therapy for about 1 year (1 session every fortnight). They didn't give me any methods all they did was talk about my behaviours and thoughts going on in my head around food and my relationship with food

[AdamWW]

Yeh they did specialize in ED's. I was doing therapy for about 1 year (1 session every fortnight). They didn't give me any methods all they did was talk about my behaviours and thoughts going on in my head around food and my relationship with food

What was your diagnosis?

[Andrew578]

What was your diagnosis?

Eating disorder/anorexia. I was 15/16 years old and got to around 46kg. However that was over 1 year ago.

[AdamWW]

Eating disorder/anorexia. I was 15/16 years old and got to around 46kg. However that was over 1 year ago.

Then you’re not binging, you’re just eating because you’re starved. You need to weight restore and fix your relationship with food.

[Omni]

Started reading Adam's nutrition / workout log and found this thread mentioned a few times. Found a lot of symptoms/side effects of a eating disorder referenced from Adam's thread that match some of my current issues.

Little back story on me, I was overweight most of my life but lifted and dieted pretty heavily through my senior year of high school/first year or two of college. I've always been well informed on nutrition but just chose to make poor food decisions, play video games and avoid exercise through my early 20's. It all started in January of 2016. I was 26 and I woke up one morning and decided it was time to make a lifestyle change. I started exercising and limiting my sugar intake. I started the journey weighing 230 pounds at 5'9".

I've been working a summer seasonal hard construction/labor intensive job for the last six years while making drastic changes to my diet. I pretty much just followed a low carb (50-75g a day), high protein diet. Around March of this year, I weighed approximately 135 pounds and felt great physically and mentally. I started working again in April and was probably eating between 1200-1500 calories a day while doing extreme vigorous exercise and walking up to 14 miles a day. My wife noticed my libido had pretty much became non existent and I was always agitated. On top of this, I had lost all motivation and drive in life that I have had previously.

Fast forward to August of this year and I was weighing 122-125 pounds. I ended up going to the doctor to try and see what I had zero libido and drive thinking I just had low testosterone. The doctor was very blunt and pretty much told me I had done all of this to myself and I had a borderline eating disorder. We ended up doing blood work and the results came back with low white blood cell count which the doctor told me was probably from undernourishment. He told me to just go eat cheeseburgers and other comfort foods i.e. increase my caloric intake and see if my white blood cell count returns to normal. I immediately joined a gym and started tracking my food on MFP. I read through all of the TDEE and came up with a caloric number of 2400 to try and gain 1/lb a week. I returned to the doctor exactly one month later for a follow up and had the same results. I weighed exactly the same and still had low white blood cell count. He has referred me to a blood specialist which I have my initial appointment coming up this week.

Anyways, here is where I am at right now. Obviously I did not gain much weight since the first of August even while tracking my food and attending the gym 5-6 days a week. Over the last week I have increased my caloric intake to 2800 and the scale has finally started to go up. I am averaging 129 on the scale for the last week. On to my side effects I believe that are related to a potential eating disorder. I have extremely low libido which is creating a major problem in my relationship. Obviously everyone recovers differently but what is the average recovery time on the libido factor? I already feel a lot better mentally with a lot less brain fog and finally starting to get my motivation and drive back. I still get insane food cravings but nothing like they were back in August when I first started eating 2400 calories. I am literally having to force feed myself carbs which is hard to get through mentally.

Sorry for the wall of text, I've never reached out or told anyone beside my wife any of this and just looking for some simple answers. I really enjoy reading all of Adam's responses and his answers to just eat more and eat whatever you want! Thanks for the motivation man.

[AdamWW]

Started reading Adam's nutrition / workout log and found this thread mentioned a few times. Found a lot of symptoms/side effects of a eating disorder referenced from Adam's thread that match some of my current issues.

Little back story on me, I was overweight most of my life but lifted and dieted pretty heavily through my senior year of high school/first year or two of college. I've always been well informed on nutrition but just chose to make poor food decisions, play video games and avoid exercise through my early 20's. It all started in January of 2016. I was 26 and I woke up one morning and decided it was time to make a lifestyle change. I started exercising and limiting my sugar intake. I started the journey weighing 230 pounds at 5'9".

I've been working a summer seasonal hard construction/labor intensive job for the last six years while making drastic changes to my diet. I pretty much just followed a low carb (50-75g a day), high protein diet. Around March of this year, I weighed approximately 135 pounds and felt great physically and mentally. I started working again in April and was probably eating between 1200-1500 calories a day while doing extreme vigorous exercise and walking up to 14 miles a day. My wife noticed my libido had pretty much became non existent and I was always agitated. On top of this, I had lost all motivation and drive in life that I have had previously.

Fast forward to August of this year and I was weighing 122-125 pounds. I ended up going to the doctor to try and see what I had zero libido and drive thinking I just had low testosterone. The doctor was very blunt and pretty much told me I had done all of this to myself and I had a borderline eating disorder. We ended up doing blood work and the results came back with low white blood cell count which the doctor told me was probably from undernourishment. He told me to just go eat cheeseburgers and other comfort foods i.e. increase my caloric intake and see if my white blood cell count returns to normal. I immediately joined a gym and started tracking my food on MFP. I read through all of the TDEE and came up with a caloric number of 2400 to try and gain 1/lb a week. I returned to the doctor exactly one month later for a follow up and had the same results. I weighed exactly the same and still had low white blood cell count. He has referred me to a blood specialist which I have my initial appointment coming up this week.

Anyways, here is where I am at right now. Obviously I did not gain much weight since the first of August even while tracking my food and attending the gym 5-6 days a week. Over the last week I have increased my caloric intake to 2800 and the scale has finally started to go up. I am averaging 129 on the scale for the last week. On to my side effects I believe that are related to a potential eating disorder. I have extremely low libido which is creating a major problem in my relationship. Obviously everyone recovers differently but what is the average recovery time on the libido factor? I already feel a lot better mentally with a lot less brain fog and finally starting to get my motivation and drive back. I still get insane food cravings but nothing like they were back in August when I first started eating 2400 calories. I am literally having to force feed myself carbs which is hard to get through mentally.

Sorry for the wall of text, I've never reached out or told anyone beside my wife any of this and just looking for some simple answers. I really enjoy reading all of Adam's responses and his answers to just eat more and eat whatever you want! Thanks for the motivation man.

I literally had the exact same blood results, but also low test when I was last measured.

It’s great you’re gaining on the scale, but I urge you to start at a higher number if you can, and have no maximum. For example, when I started, my calorie minimum (with zero cardio) was 3000, but due to mental hunger I am easily able to eat more than that, and so I do.

I don’t know if you’re still doing cardio, but that too needs to stop. Believe me I understand the struggle, but you really must try as best you can.

Heart goes out to you dude, I know the struggle all too well, but it does get better. I’ve gained 11lb in the last two months, and I’m hoping for another 10 by the end of the year, if not more.

Try to focus on how you feel, stop looking at your stomach in the mirror (if you are), and try to make every decision about eating and movement an effort to defy that inner voice telling you to restrict.

Stay strong dude

[Andrew578]

Then you’re not binging, you’re just eating because you’re starved. You need to weight restore and fix your relationship with food.

Ok, thanks for that. Was just a bit worried. So I should just let it happen? Should I continue to gain around 0.3-0.5kg a week? I am currently eating 2500-2700 calories a day.

[Omni]

I literally had the exact same blood results, but also low test when I was last measured.

It’s great you’re gaining on the scale, but I urge you to start at a higher number if you can, and have no maximum. For example, when I started, my calorie minimum (with zero cardio) was 3000, but due to mental hunger I am easily able to eat more than that, and so I do.

I don’t know if you’re still doing cardio, but that too needs to stop. Believe me I understand the struggle, but you really must try as best you can.

Heart goes out to you dude, I know the struggle all too well, but it does get better. I’ve gained 11lb in the last two months, and I’m hoping for another 10 by the end of the year, if not more.

Try to focus on how you feel, stop looking at your stomach in the mirror (if you are), and try to make every decision about eating and movement an effort to defy that inner voice telling you to restrict.

Stay strong dude

Thanks buddy. My doctor would not test or give me my testosterone results. His answer was to just eat more and it will fix itself. I am hoping the blood doctor specialist will this week? I do one day of light cardio a week which typically consists of a 20 minute recumbent bike or elliptical (just to be there for my wife's gym support). You pretty much nailed it on the stop looking in the mirror as far as my stomach, that is definitely the hardest part every day before getting in the shower. I do find it extremely hard to consume that many calories while still being able to function physically as far as day to day activities. I HATE the feeling of being bloated and full.

Here are a couple photos from the first week of August, not sure if they're allowed or not. I can delete them if they are not but I was pretty skinny after losing 100 pounds over three years. (nevermind won't let me post the link as I don't have 50 posts)

Just been using these as a reference point which I'm sure isn't the greatest thing to do. Just have to keep the mentality of lift heavy, eat big and hopefully the other problems fix themselves.

Also Adam, has your testosterone returned to normal as well as your blood count?

[AdamWW]

Ok, thanks for that. Was just a bit worried. So I should just let it happen? Should I continue to gain around 0.3-0.5kg a week? I am currently eating 2500-2700 calories a day.

I don’t think placing a limit on your weight gain or calories is wise. Your body has too much to repair for you to predict exact requirements, and capping them will likely need to anxieties around weighing yourself.

Calorie minimums can be a good idea, but limits will not serve you. If your body dictates that you need 5000 calories of pizza and donuts, a person with anorexia needs to honor that and eat it. Whether it’s every day or not, shouldn’t be up to you until you can trust your own judgement to not make choices stemming from the disorder.

[AdamWW]

Thanks buddy. My doctor would not test or give me my testosterone results. His answer was to just eat more and it will fix itself. I am hoping the blood doctor specialist will this week? I do one day of light cardio a week which typically consists of a 20 minute recumbent bike or elliptical (just to be there for my wife's gym support). You pretty much nailed it on the stop looking in the mirror as far as my stomach, that is definitely the hardest part every day before getting in the shower. I do find it extremely hard to consume that many calories while still being able to function physically as far as day to day activities. I HATE the feeling of being bloated and full.

Here are a couple photos from the first week of August, not sure if they're allowed or not. I can delete them if they are not but I was pretty skinny after losing 100 pounds over three years. (nevermind won't let me post the link as I don't have 50 posts)

Just been using these as a reference point which I'm sure isn't the greatest thing to do. Just have to keep the mentality of lift heavy, eat big and hopefully the other problems fix themselves.

Also Adam, has your testosterone returned to normal as well as your blood count?

No worries about the pictures, it honestly doesn’t matter too much because even people who are in a normal weight range or even overweight can have anorexia. It’s more about being in a deprived state and restricting your food intake than just being categorically ‘skinny’.

In terms of doctors, I believe basically all of your blood work will normalize when you weight restore. I can’t say for certain, but the connection is undeniable... and I agree that your first course of action is to simply gain weight until your body is healed. Whether that’s gaining 30 pounds or 100 pounds, you’ll have to wait a see. It really has to be up to your body.

I actually haven’t retested my blood yet, I’ll be going in in December to see how they’re doing.

[Omni]

No worries about the pictures, it honestly doesn’t matter too much because even people who are in a normal weight range or even overweight can have anorexia. It’s more about being in a deprived state and restricting your food intake than just being categorically ‘skinny’.

In terms of doctors, I believe basically all of your blood work will normalize when you weight restore. I can’t say for certain, but the connection is undeniable... and I agree that your first course of action is to simply gain weight until your body is healed. Whether that’s gaining 30 pounds or 100 pounds, you’ll have to wait a see. It really has to be up to your body.

I actually haven’t retested my blood yet, I’ll be going in in December to see how they’re doing.

Good point on the people that are in the normal weight range still having anorexia. I have been suffering from sleep disruptions the last 6-7 months and I was just blaming it on other lifestyle factors i.e. stress, work etc. when in reality it was all self caused. Never once did nutrition or a possible eating disorder cross my mind mainly due to being ill-informed on all of the symptoms that occur from one.

Just excited for the uphill "battle" from here on out. Glad I didn't get too extreme with it but it still worries the hell out of me of any long term potential damage I may have done to myself. Kind of ironic considering I started this journey trying to better my health and avoid heart disease, diabetes etc. but end up with a whole new list of possible issues.

[AdamWW]

Good point on the people that are in the normal weight range still having anorexia. I have been suffering from sleep disruptions the last 6-7 months and I was just blaming it on other lifestyle factors i.e. stress, work etc. when in reality it was all self caused. Never once did nutrition or a possible eating disorder cross my mind mainly due to being ill-informed on all of the symptoms that occur from one.

Just excited for the uphill "battle" from here on out. Glad I didn't get too extreme with it but it still worries the hell out of me of any long term potential damage I may have done to myself. Kind of ironic considering I started this journey trying to better my health and avoid heart disease, diabetes etc. but end up with a whole new list of possible issues.

It’s definitely better to have a late onset of anorexia than one beginning in childhood, and of course better for the duration to be altogether shorter. One thing people whose onset begins in adolescence struggle with as adults trying to get better is a sense of severe identity crisis because they truly do not know who they are as people without their disease.

That being said, like you alluded to, it’s impossible to know how much repairing your body needs, because we don’t have an objective way to know how ‘severe’ it is. You may simply have a high pain/suffering threshold, and perhaps for your body it was way worse than you could perceive.

But either way, the course of action is the same: overcome the food and weight fear, eat freely, and weight restore.

There is a great book called ‘Rehabilitate, rewire, recover’ by Tabitha Farrar which is intended for adults in recovery which I highly recommend. It contains answers to pretty much any question I have experienced myself and tons of facts which were insanely eye-opening... you’d be amazed at how many little symptoms you have that others share.

[letsallmakeit]

today will be day #3 without lifting. i actually woke up feeling great! made breakfast and decided to go for a walk.

while walking i started questioning, why do i really lift weights? whats the purpose? is it worth living like i do just to lift weights?

while thinking about it, i didn’t get any excitement to lift. parts of what i was thinking was about making prs, about having an awesome form in my exercises, worrying about bulking and cutting, worrying about how depressed i feel when i don’t make progress, always doing the same damn programs, because it’s what is recommended for beginners in the internet, always doing the same damn exercises.

i asked to myself, if this really worth it?

idk if it’s depression, overthinking or maybe because i’m recoverying and don’t have excitement because of it, but yeah i don’t feel it yet.

i always have the thoughts that if i hit the gym i always go with a mindset of doing prs and if i fail i start to blame nutrition, sleep and just overthink too much.

tbh i feel much better right now mentally that i’m even scared to hit the gym again.

i feel like it’s a waste of time going only 1 or 2 days to the gym since frequency is “key” here and if i do one compound once per week is like slow progress or just a waste.

i’m just used to always follow programs for beginners in the internet “reddit fitness to be exact” and don’t do my stuff because i want better progress.

but i also started to think of other stuff and i kinda liked tennis and doing bodyweight exercises, but again, i feel like progress will stall in bw exercises and i only like certain exercises.

during this time off my ed is attacking. i still have thoughts of restriction and lower calories and other stuff that i’m trying to just “cope” (sorry for my english, but idk exactly the meaning), but i’m going to continue eating while improving my eating habits.

i need to find balance between physical and mental health. (i read something like this yesterday, that it’s good to have a balance between physical and mental health. which is imo it’s true, but idk how that feels because i’m used to trash my body just for making prs and wanting to hit the gym).

i also want to add that i still have thoughts that “if i’m gaining weight, i would like to gain muscle so it’s not pure fat”
thank!