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  1. #1
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Borderline Personality Disorder - Help a Brah

    Anyone ever dated, married, been related to anyone with this and gotten out alive?

    Tips and tricks greatly appreciated. I can expand on my experience if needed.
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  2. #2
    Registered Spahgetti's Avatar
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    Yes. Don't


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    in my experience sex will be bomb diggity for the first short amount of time, they want to lure you in, but o lawdy they're filled with red flags
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  3. #3
    Registered User elterrible987's Avatar
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    She will probably fight with you a lot and threaten to leave you. I would get her pregnant so that you are forever linked if you dont want to let her get away.
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  4. #4
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Yea... Bit past that point now.
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  5. #5
    No Huevos katya422's Avatar
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    'Bout to be away awhile, but yeah, family.

    Do you know this or only suspect it?

    What actions/behavior cause you to believe this if there is no official diagnosis?

    Not uncommon for women specifically to get diagnosed as BPD when they actually have a different issue. BPD is at least better than NPD in the sense that BPD people are more likely to actually seek treatment and try to get better.
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  6. #6
    Red ymer's Avatar
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    Yes, this is my advice:

    If you can, run now, do not look back. Do not let yourself be lured back in.

    Originally Posted by katya422 View Post
    'Bout to be away awhile, but yeah, family.

    Do you know this or only suspect it?

    What actions/behavior cause you to believe this if there is no official diagnosis?

    Not uncommon for women specifically to get diagnosed as BPD when they actually have a different issue. BPD is at least better than NPD in the sense that BPD people are more likely to actually seek treatment and try to get better.
    I guess you haven't dealt with a real BPD for any significant amount of time.
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  7. #7
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katya422 View Post
    'Bout to be away awhile, but yeah, family.

    Do you know this or only suspect it?

    What actions/behavior cause you to believe this if there is no official diagnosis?

    Not uncommon for women specifically to get diagnosed as BPD when they actually have a different issue. BPD is at least better than NPD in the sense that BPD people are more likely to actually seek treatment and try to get better.
    Compulsive lying, personality hijacking, desire to "please me" and tells me she wants to make me happy but it's really for her own validation, and doesn't really like when I am happy. HUGE Shakesperean sonnet apologies when she ****s up and goes way overboard and then repeats the cycle every three weeks or so.

    Also has childhood trauma, but didn't tell me about it until after we're married. Her constant worry is that I'll leave her, that everyone is going to leave her.
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  8. #8
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katya422 View Post
    'Bout to be away awhile, but yeah, family.

    Do you know this or only suspect it?

    What actions/behavior cause you to believe this if there is no official diagnosis?

    Not uncommon for women specifically to get diagnosed as BPD when they actually have a different issue. BPD is at least better than NPD in the sense that BPD people are more likely to actually seek treatment and try to get better.
    Also, because she was diagnosed with it last week lol.
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  9. #9
    Registered User Polaris's Avatar
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    Leave.

    Edmund Kemper's mom had BPD. Inb4...
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  10. #10
    6'2" 227 soaponarope1's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    Compulsive lying, personality hijacking, desire to "please me" and tells me she wants to make me happy but it's really for her own validation, and doesn't really like when I am happy. HUGE Shakesperean sonnet apologies when she ****s up and goes way overboard and then repeats the cycle every three weeks or so.

    Also has childhood trauma, but didn't tell me about it until after we're married. Her constant worry is that I'll leave her, that everyone is going to leave her.
    Good luck bro. Don't have kids.

    If you want kids, get out now as you're already 31.
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  11. #11
    Serenity Now! FrankCostanza's Avatar
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  12. #12
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by soaponarope1 View Post
    Good luck bro. Don't have kids.

    If you want kids, get out now as you're already 31.
    This. I feel almost bad for ditching someone with trauma (but they were not upfront with me about it and were a completely different person during dating/engagement) but having kids and having them go through this emotional rollercoaster...
    Last edited by macrocrunch; 10-19-2019 at 08:36 AM.
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  13. #13
    Dirty Bulker Expert EDcellent's Avatar
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    Abort mission.
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  14. #14
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by EDcellent View Post
    Abort mission.
    😭😭😭 this
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  15. #15
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    Only one way to deal with people with cluster B personality disorders:

    Drop them and cut them out of your life forever.

    Do NOT try to change them as it is futile and all your efforts will go down a black hole.

    Source: learned the hard way.
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  16. #16
    Registered User oldandintheway's Avatar
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    GTFO ASAP. Brothers wife has a form of BPD. Fuqing nuts and controlling. Threatens to kill the dog if he leaves. Life’s too short to put up with that nonsense
    I get a tax deduction just by hanging out here

    More reps, no texts
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  17. #17
    11:11 messomi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by oldandintheway View Post
    GTFO ASAP. Brothers wife has a form of BPD. Fuqing nuts and controlling. Threatens to kill the dog if he leaves. Life’s too short to put up with that nonsense
    lmao if anyone threatened to kill a pet I would become an instant wife beater.
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  18. #18
    Not here for a long time kinzu1996's Avatar
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    disappear or get fuked
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  19. #19
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by messomi View Post
    lmao if anyone threatened to kill a pet I would become an instant wife beater.
    Yea, my two dogs have never done me like this lol.
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  20. #20
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kinzu1996 View Post
    disappear or get fuked
    that's definitely what I feel, but I'm conflicted with feeling bad for this human who really doesn't have a chance. Empathy is a bitch.
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  21. #21
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    After being in a relationship with 3, 100% srs, only option is, block. Ghost. NC.

    After my first 1, I learned the hard way. Once i spotted it in the other 2, I walked immediately and ignored all attempts to lure me back.

    The problem is, these girls are almost always extremely attractive and the sex, is the best you’ll have. That’s why weak men keep getting lured back, into the trap.

    Even when I finally got the first one into help/support, because she was a pathological liar, it was a waste of time. She just lied on every question she was asked, so wasn’t diagnosed with anything or seen to have any issues.

    These girls run purely off impulse.
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  22. #22
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    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    that's definitely what I feel, but I'm conflicted with feeling bad for this human who really doesn't have a chance. Empathy is a bitch.
    Cluster B people will use your empathy against you. They see empathy and honesty and good morals as weaknesses to be exploited.

    Leave her or you will mess up your whole life, finances, mental health, stability, everything.
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  23. #23
    Platinum OG user Evolutionary1's Avatar
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    You'r life will get rekt in one way or another or all together
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    My girl has Hystrionic Personality Disorder with some borderline traits. 7 years now. No it's not easy. Why do I deal with it? Because besides the disorder she is a good person with a big heart. We are now at the point in our society where we don't treat Autistics as retards and their meltdowns as temper tantrums so we need to do the same for BPD's and HPD's. It also makes a big difference if they understand the disorder they have. My girl does.

    First thing you have to do is understand them, and why they are doing the things they do. A lot of the things they do are a reaction that comes from a storm that is going on inside them that tortures them. Like my girl, if I don't keep in contact with her like messaging her or calling her every few hours or so she starts feeling abandon and causes her great dread. She will get very upset and will freak out on me. It's not a control thing, it's a fear of hers. Things she will say when she's stressed makes me want to walk away sometimes but usually all I have to do is reassure her and she calms right down and everything is fine again. One cool thing is that they usually don't lie, they tell you the brutal honest truth. You'll never get the silent treatment nor will she ever deny you affection or sex. You know what she's feeling right up front. She's very empathetic and in a world full of borderline sociopathic and narcissistic people, it's kind of nice at times.
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  25. #25
    Ivanto Beleav macrocrunch's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jasonw1178 View Post
    My girl has Hystrionic Personality Disorder with some borderline traits. 7 years now. No it's not easy. Why do I deal with it? Because besides the disorder she is a good person with a big heart. We are now at the point in our society where we don't treat Autistics as retards and their meltdowns as temper tantrums so we need to do the same for BPD's and HPD's. It also makes a big difference if they understand the disorder they have. My girl does.

    First thing you have to do is understand them, and why they are doing the things they do. A lot of the things they do are a reaction that comes from a storm that is going on inside them that tortures them. Like my girl, if I don't keep in contact with her like messaging her or calling her every few hours or so she starts feeling abandon and causes her great dread. She will get very upset and will freak out on me. It's not a control thing, it's a fear of hers. Things she will say when she's stressed makes me want to walk away sometimes but usually all I have to do is reassure her and she calms right down and everything is fine again. One cool thing is that they usually don't lie, they tell you the brutal honest truth. You'll never get the silent treatment nor will she ever deny you affection or sex. You know what she's feeling right up front. She's very empathetic and in a world full of borderline sociopathic and narcissistic people, it's kind of nice at times.
    I can totally see where you're coming from and appreciate the response. However with her, the lies come when she feels like that, and so does the anger. She has lied about everything from what someone said at work to a hook up she had with a chick while we were together. I don't know if I can stand for it anymore.
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    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    I can totally see where you're coming from and appreciate the response. However with her, the lies come when she feels like that, and so does the anger. She has lied about everything from what someone said at work to a hook up she had with a chick while we were together. I don't know if I can stand for it anymore.
    Leave her and divorce. Even aside from her personality disorder, compulsive lying is sufficient grounds for divorce.

    Same with cheating. That alone is grounds for divorce.

    You can NEVER have a healthy stable relationship with someone who lies.

    And you cannot change people. Don’t even try because it’s a complete waste of time and energy.
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    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    I can totally see where you're coming from and appreciate the response. However with her, the lies come when she feels like that, and so does the anger. She has lied about everything from what someone said at work to a hook up she had with a chick while we were together. I don't know if I can stand for it anymore.
    They are all different, because they are different people Her lies are how she deals with it. Maybe you could have a non-judgmental attitude towards her as long as she tells you the truth. Honesty is important, BPD or not. Yes the anger gets extreme. It takes work and it's too much for most people. Not really sure if it's worth it. If her and I don't end up staying together, next girl, if I see the signs I'm running like hell. SRS Her and I have had splits before. I went NC on her more than once.
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    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    I can totally see where you're coming from and appreciate the response. However with her, the lies come when she feels like that, and so does the anger. She has lied about everything from what someone said at work to a hook up she had with a chick while we were together. I don't know if I can stand for it anymore.
    Tough situation. I assume you made vows to one another that allude to "in sickness and in health," and I think you should take those vows seriously. It sounds like she's trying to get help (I'm deducing this from her recent diagnosis) so personally, I think it'd be tragic to take the advice of those telling you to divorce now.

    But, if she doesn't take her disorder seriously - and we don't know what that could look like, if that's medication, therapy, etc. - you have every right to leave your marriage. "In sickness and in health" doesn't mean she has free reign to abuse you because of her BPD. Good luck, wouldn't wish your predicament on anyone. Take care of yourself.
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    Originally Posted by ymer View Post
    Yes, this is my advice:

    If you can, run now, do not look back. Do not let yourself be lured back in.



    I guess you haven't dealt with a real BPD for any significant amount of time.
    Wish this was true.

    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    Compulsive lying, personality hijacking, desire to "please me" and tells me she wants to make me happy but it's really for her own validation, and doesn't really like when I am happy. HUGE Shakesperean sonnet apologies when she ****s up and goes way overboard and then repeats the cycle every three weeks or so.

    Also has childhood trauma, but didn't tell me about it until after we're married. Her constant worry is that I'll leave her, that everyone is going to leave her.
    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    Also, because she was diagnosed with it last week lol.
    So she is seeing a therapist? That is a great start. BPD recovery is a long road and requires a knowledgeable therapist that is willing to engage in the process. Many therapists will not work with BPD patients at all, or will only take on one at a time because they are such taxing patients.

    Originally Posted by macrocrunch View Post
    This. I feel almost bad for ditching someone with trauma (but they were not upfront with me about it and were a completely different person during dating/engagement) but having kids and having them go through this emotional rollercoaster...
    Leaving is the right thing to do if you want to have children. It is possible for her to get better if she is willing to do the work, but it could take a long time and she may still retain some traits of the disorder.

    I would suggest that you engage with her therapist to discuss how to exit the relationship as safely as possible for both of you. I expect that she is very fragile right now having just received the diagnosis (assuming she accepts it). Being abandoned is her greatest fear and could potentially trigger suicide or other self-destructive behavior.

    Try to let go of feeling deceived by her failure to disclose trauma. That is a big ask of a person who desperately wants to be loved and accepted.

    Also it is possible to suffer childhood trauma and not develop a personality disorder. Sometimes therapists can mistake C-PTSD for BPD, though your description of her behavior makes that seem unlikely.

    What do people with BPD & NPD have in common?

    What they have in common is a lack of “Whole Object Relations” and a lack of “Object Constancy”—something that from an Object Relations theoretical point of view characterizes and defines ALL personality disorders. In brief:

    Whole Object Relations: This is the ability to see oneself and other people in a stable, integrated, and realistic way. If you have this capacity, you can see people as simultaneously having both liked and disliked traits. If you lack this capacity, you can only switch back and forth from seeing people as all good or all bad.

    Object Constancy: This Is the ability to maintain your positive emotional tie to someone while you are angry, hurt, or disappointed with them. If you lack this capacity, the moment you are in a fight with them, your love turns to hatred.

    Object Constancy also includes the ability to maintain the felt positive emotional connection to someone you care about when they are not physically present. This felt connection diminishes the liklihood of cheating on one’s mate.

    Strong Emotional Reactions: Because of their tendency to see everything in black or white terms based on their lack of Whole Object Relations and lack of Object Constancy, they either completely love you and think you are the best thing since sliced bread or they hate you and wish you were dead (or at least gone from their sight).

    Extreme emotions lead to the impulsive and extreme behaviors characteristic of BPD and NPD personality disorders.
    Lots more of the above type info from Elinor Greenberg:

    https://www.quora.com/search?q=elino...characteristic
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