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  1. #1
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    Mental and Physical Recovery Log

    I'm back. Back again. Fatty's back.

    So I had a mental breakdown over the last couple of months, and i'm just coming out the other side. The weight gain has somewhat stablised in the past week, and I haven't binge eaten in two days - back to fairly standard calorie based diet.

    Starting weight: 100.6kg

    Current weight: 99.3kg

    Aim weight: 86kg

    Aim date: July 2022

    I've proven before that I can lose 15kg in 15 weeks, but it absolutely broke me. I'm still waiting on ankle surgery and unable to walk properly - that's been a big part of my depression and breakdown. I've also had a very severe chest infection on top of that, and simply haven't found time to exercise or lift. Honestly, I am a bit of a mess physically, but feeling better mentally.

    There comes a point when work is going badly, your health is bad, your amount of movement drops, and the **** you've been through finally gets to you. I guess it's a surprise I made it this far in a way considering things like seeing 8 year olds dying of cancer whilst you're recovering from it. Heavy **** weighs on you.

    Not going to "hit it hard" or anything like I normally would. I just need to get started gently and rebuild the injuries that i've picked up.

    18th July - 100.6kg
    25th July - 99.3kg
    2nd August -
    9th August -
    16th August -
    23rd August -
    30th August -


    Starting Lifts:

    Bench - 75kg
    Pullups - 2 reps
    Chinups - 3 reps
    OHP - 40kg
    Deadlift - 80kg
    Last edited by CBRIT89; 08-05-2021 at 09:05 AM. Reason: Adding starting lifts
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  2. #2
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    4 days clean.

    I've had a very stressful day. My parrot is sick, and has early signs of heart disease. I've had him since around the same time I had leukaemia, and he was such a bright point in my life during that hard time. He's only 11.

    I also had the opportunity to binge as I was in the office, but I managed my day, ate properly and made it through. Proud of avoiding the temptation.
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  3. #3
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    Meal Plan 28.07.21

    All food either weighed, based on packaging or both.

    Breakfast: Mass Gainer - 480 Cals.
    Snack: ***e Yoghurt - 110 Cals.
    Lunch: Tuna Omlette - 450 Cals
    Snack: Banana & Apple - 140 Cals
    Dinner: Buffalo burger and home baked chips - 700 Cals

    Total: 1880 Cals

    1 Hour of weights with my mate. I've told him to be more of a prick to me if I am slacking.
    A.L.L. Leukemia 2009 - 2012
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  4. #4
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    Stuck to the meal plan. Really pleased with my day tbh.

    Lifts are all down, but considering I'm still ill 5 weeks after chest infection symptoms came on, I'm not surprised.

    Set myself an aim of getting my 1RM on bench back to 100kg in 10 weeks. It's currently 80, so I think that's realistic.

    Only supplements right now are creatine and protein shakes.
    A.L.L. Leukemia 2009 - 2012
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  5. #5
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    Food diary:

    Breakfast: Mass gainer protein shake - 320 cals
    Snack: F age Greek Yoghurt - 100 cals
    Lunch: Pasta, chicken, vegetables, sauce: 650 cals
    Snack: Protein bar: 250 cals
    Dinner: Bean chilli & rice: 650 cals

    Total: 1970 cals

    Also did a 55 minute bike ride on my eBike, however the assistance wasn't going crazy. Quite a lot of time spent about the speed where resistance kicks in (Over 15.8mph it shuts down). Probably burnt 300 calories, but not counting or eating back.


    Feeling good today, and scales were in the right direction again. Looking forward to my next weigh in on Monday. Only negative is that I didn't fit into my suit, and i'm going to a wedding in 7 days. On current activity and diet, I will fit it in about 10 days, which really sucks!
    A.L.L. Leukemia 2009 - 2012
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  6. #6
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    97.85kg today, which is the water weight gone, and my last binge gone. Also rode my bike yesterday, and I always weigh in slightly lighter the following day.

    No specific plan today other than protein shake for breakfast, and some kind of chicken based lunch. Probably chicken rice and veg - the staple meal!

    Looking forward to tomorrow's workout with my mate. Last week of doing two sessions a week, as I'll be on three lifting sessions as of Monday, and doing minimum one bike ride a week.

    Not expecting to be in the pool any time soon, but if I can make it into the pool come October it'll be a massive win for me.
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  7. #7
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    100 days from my start point takes me to the 1st November.

    I'm not going to go crazy and ruin myself, but I am going to see what kind of transformation I can manage in 14 weeks.


    Core session tonight!
    A.L.L. Leukemia 2009 - 2012
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  8. #8
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    Smashed the core session. 12 hours recovery from finishing that, to starting again with my workout buddy this AM.

    97.7kg today, so everything is going in the direction of a 97.x proper weigh in next week.
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  9. #9
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    Feeling so good today. Tired, but a good tired. I can feel how hard I've worked in the weights sessions.

    Thus morning's session was tough because of the lack of rest overnight, but I really got into it and was actually lifting more weight than I was in my session earlier in the week - no doubt the muscles have woken up a little after my chest infection layoff.
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  10. #10
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    Family BBQ today, and I was so much more controlled than I normally would be. I'm actually really happy with how the day has gone.

    When I'm struggling with binge eating, I'll sneak an extra burger when I'm putting the leftovers away etc. Today I had that opportunity and didn't take it.

    I couldn't calorie count, but did what I could. I know that I have probably gone over, but I did a bike ride in the AM to attempt to balance what I knew would be a heavy day.

    Weigh in tomorrow will be a bit higher than I've been for the last couple of days, but I know the reason, so it's not a concern.

    If anything, a refeed day isn't the worst thing for me given the work I've been putting in recently.
    A.L.L. Leukemia 2009 - 2012
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  11. #11
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    Don´t suffer with family bbqs, you can do the adjustments the next day. Enjoy.

    What is a refeed? A day in wich you increas your calories again?
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  12. #12
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    Originally Posted by ClaudeSpeed22 View Post
    What is a refeed? A day in wich you increas your calories again?
    Exactly - I will eat as close to maintenance as I can for one day. I've consistently been 200-400 under for over a week now, and I know that I won't be able to sustain that long term, so a day at maintenance just mentally and physically satisfies me.


    Update:

    18th July - 100.6kg
    25th July - 99.3kg
    2nd August - 97.7kg
    9th August -
    16th August -
    23rd August -
    30th August -


    Worked bloody hard last night in my gym. Workout buddy helped me get the last reps out a couple of times by shouting at me - definitely need that from time to time.

    I'd be happy with a high 96kg by the end of August, as the water weight is gone, and loss will slow from here.

    Rather than last years 1kg a week, I would rather see 0.5kg a week, and 2kg a month loss. It's on the higher side, but that would get me to my goal weight in February.
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    Brain haemorrhage 2009
    Hip replacements 2010 & 2011
    Eating Disorder 2016 -
    Collapsed Talus 2020 -
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  13. #13
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    Messed up today.

    Ate really well, but my 15-20 mile bike ride was so enjoyable that I ended up doing 31 miles at 17mph. With bronchitis and a broken ankle.

    Some days I am a ****ing unstoppable machine.

    Problem is that I likely burned 1000 calories on that ride, and it was so late that I couldn't eat them all back.

    Need to go a little bit over tomorrow to make up for it.
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  14. #14
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    97.4kg this morning. Lot of lost water weight from my ride yesterday. Eating at maintenance today to balance out my calories after being too much under yesterday.

    Core workout today, normal workout routine tomorrow.
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  15. #15
    Ex-Skinny Cyclist CBRIT89's Avatar
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    Went to the shops today, and it was so weird to go into a supermarket and not take my normal route through.

    It'll normally be:

    Bakery for granola slices/cookies (1500-3000 calories)
    Ready meals for pasty/meat slices (1200 calories)
    Desserts for cheesecake (3000 calories)
    Drinks for coke (No calories, but plenty of chemicals)

    Today:

    Meat section.
    Found discounted steaks.
    Found chicken I wanted.
    Done.


    Honestly, until you've had an eating disorder, you'll never understand just how difficult it is to go into a supermarket. I'm totally broken in eating and food purchasing terms.



    Anyway, back to today.

    150g of protein today.
    2200 calories

    Hard workout in 8-10 rep range with my workout buddy. Going to a wedding tomorrow so hit it hard - a wedding is a rest day after all. Since I don't drink alcohol, it's just going to be a "watch the food" day.
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  16. #16
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    Probably ate 800 calories over yesterday, and 300 today.

    Not sure about weighing a whole 1.5kg more though - seems way too much.

    Anyway, good gym session today. Might do some core tomorrow, otherwise family time calls.
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    Excited for my weigh in tomorrow. I know I'll be low 97's, if not high 96's. Really feeling like things are going in a good direction.

    I'm over two weeks of clean eating, no binge eating issues despite temptation.

    Today we ate out at an Italian, and instead of going for a full on pizza as I normally would, I had their <600 calorie chicken pizza and salad. That was a major win for me mentally.

    Did a 50 minute bike ride this evening at a strong pace. Considering my ankle damage, I'm flying on my bike.
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  18. #18
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    Progress:

    18th July - 100.6kg
    25th July - 99.3kg
    2nd August - 97.7kg
    9th August - 97.3kg
    16th August -
    23rd August -
    30th August -


    Aims:

    August - 96kg
    September - 94kg
    October - 92kg
    November - 90kg
    December - 90kg
    January - 88kg
    February - 86kg


    Overall Update:

    0.4kg a week isn't far off where I want to be, as it'd be ideal to be in the 0.5-0.7kg a week area so as to meet my target weight of 86kg in February. From there I will see how much muscle I am still holding on to, and how I am coping mentally. If i'm managing with this way of eating, the plan will be to continue and go down to 82kg for April. I'll then recomp from there.


    I know for some of you it'll seem silly for me to plan this far in advance, given that I have had more relapses and depressive episodes than I have eaten family size cheesecakes, but I really need this structure and discipline in my life. If I don't have my SMART goals then I can drift.


    Only curveball I can see coming up is that I will begin cycle commuting again this week, which adds an extra 1-3 hours of cardio a week. That may lead to more food consumption, it may just lead to more weight loss. I'll adapt and manage when I see the results.
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    50 minutes of cycling today, split into 2 rides as it was my commute.

    Weighed in at 96.95kg this morning. Barely under the 97kg marker, but it was under - amazing!

    Equally, it sucks to be so excited by a 96kg figure. I was 85kg 13 months ago.
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    Mental stress is really getting to me, and physically I feel drained.

    My parrot is ill. My dad is in hospital and I fear he has a life limiting illness. My work is currently over capacity and we're still not in a position to interview for some help.

    I'm just so done with life right now, and I can feel depression coming to get me.
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    I'm going to weigh in so heavy tomorrow. I've had a weekend of eating out, and I've done my best to make the right choices, but it's been so meat heavy. I'm over my calorie count for the last 3 days.
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    Originally Posted by CBRIT89 View Post
    Progress:

    18th July - 100.6kg
    25th July - 99.3kg
    2nd August - 97.7kg
    9th August - 97.3kg
    16th August - 97.5kg
    23rd August -
    30th August -
    Well that was a **** weigh in. I've been in the mid 96kg's for the past week since the 97.3kg weigh in, and then a BBQ Friday and two BBQ's Saturday mean I have put on a bit of weight, and probably have undigested food/water retention to deal with.

    Confident that I will be 96.2-96.5kg come next week's weigh in, and 96kg by the end of the month. Two weeks until then - should be fine.
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    I overate quite badly whilst I was in London for work. I've posted on here before about how it's quite damaging for me to go away and not have total control over home cooking food.

    The main issue is that it opens the floodgates and the binge continues. On this occasion I came back from London and within 24 hours was at the children's hospital with my 11 month old as she was quite unwell. I had to leave her there with my wife as only one adult atm due to covid, and I was so tempted to binge. Managed not to, and followed that up with another sub maintenance calorie day yesterday.

    Feels great to be more in control, and it's showing in my work. I'm definitely on top of things and it's showing.

    In terms of weight, no huge movement - 96.25 yesterday, 96.5 today, so not far off of the 96kg target for the end of this month.
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    18th July - 100.6kg
    25th July - 99.3kg
    2nd August - 97.7kg
    9th August - 97.3kg
    16th August - 97.5kg
    23rd August - 96.9kg
    30th August -


    I've had a **** 4 days and eaten badly because of a lack of routine. Firstly my daughter was in hospital, then I had a car accident. Next up I had a fever and was stuck in bed for 24 hours, and then my wife collapsed and ended up in hospital with the same fever bug we've all had.

    Weighed in this morning at 96.9kg, which is up on where I was midweek, but lower than any Monday weigh in so far. No working out atm - simply too exhausted both mentally and physically.
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    Still here. Still trying to lose weight.

    I injured my knee ligament and had a bronchitis flare up, so I've pretty much done nothing for the last month.

    Add in multiple shows and nights out with work, and I'm now 97.4kg. I had been aiming to be around 94 at this point.

    Can't be helped - it's in the past now. Main thing is that I need to just get back into a routine and start working out consistently, and get the diet more on track.

    Workout buddy has been ill for most of the past 6 weeks as well, and I've not had the motivation to workout on my own.

    Wife and I have committed to having a really good October, with minimal treats, consistent workouts, and sharing the load as much as we can to ensure this happens.

    I'd love to be in the 95kg range in 4 weeks time.
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    I've been having a good October, in that I haven't binge eaten. I've not been having a good October in terms of weight loss. I'm definitely feeling leaner, and can see the first signs of weight loss in the mirror.

    My lifting hasn't been consistent enough to see weights going up, but I feel stronger generally. I've started working out on the punchbag, which has been really hard work initially. 40 minutes of 10x 3 minute rounds with a 1minute rest period.

    I guess right now I'm just accepting that I won't lose weight as fast as last year because I'm not physically able to do the cardio, but I am at least going in the right direction...
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    Wink

    stoked to follow your journey

    remember - you could essentially not move and still lose fat. eat in a caloric deficit every day, consistently - and you'll for sure get there easier.

    training - lifting - will help you keep your lean mass - but cardio - it's muscle wasting in general - so maybe do whatever you can with current ankle issues in terms of resistance training and do less cardio?

    i personally get so hungry i could eat whole people when i do crazy cardio - and i'm not good at 'light' cardio....

    take or leave my $0.02 - but i am super stoked to hear how you get on with your journey!
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    Consistently working out, and feeling better for it. Plan for the week is as follows:

    Monday: Weights for 1 hour
    Tuesday: Cycling for 25 minutes and 30 minutes
    Wednesday: Weights for 1 hour.
    Thursday: Cycling for 20 minutes and 30 minutes.
    Friday: Weights for 1 hour
    Saturday: Weights for 1 hour with workout buddy.
    Sunday: Rest day
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    Well I stuck to the plan perfectly. It's rest day today, which actually sucks as I'm meeting friends for a meal out.

    Feeling like I'm in recomp mode, as I'm struggling to get by on 2000 calories a day, and am more like 2250.

    Scales showing nothing. Body still looks fat. Lifts are improving a bit. Everything seems to be ok, just seems like I need to do a 4 week cut for November.
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    It sounds ridiculous, but I am really proud of myself today.

    I've had small, light meals all morning, because of the meal out late afternoon. I had to go into a local supermarket to pick up some parcels, and my normal routine would be to buy something to eat at the same time. Granola bars, brownies, pasties or sausage rolls... whatever I can get my hands on and fancy.

    When I went in, I considered going to get a Coke Zero, and I thought about buying some meat snacks or similar.

    I didn't buy anything. Nothing.

    I'm on target for 2400 calories today, which is perfect really.
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