Can't stop binging since show cancelled

I was all set to do a bikini comp March 28th, followed by one May 9th. Prep was going PERFECT - dropping 6-7lbs a month, I was 118lbs at 5'3" 2.5 weeks out, freaking perfect on prep for 12 weeks. This was going to be my second and third show ever. Hair, makeup, tanning, nails, everything was organized down to the last detail.

Both get cancelled. I'm still working bc I'm in the medical field so every day there are more restrictions to try and keep us safe. Everything around us getting shut down. The combination of these things (and my generalized anxiety, which was doing great until now).. Guys, I can't stop eating. People keep telling me to keep grinding and push for the May 23rd and June 6th shows. I can't even get excited about them. What if they get cancelled too? Even if they don't, it's like all fire has died. 12 weeks of pushing myself to the limit, only to repeat that process again. And now I'm getting worried about gaining all that weight back bc I'm binging until I feel sick. I still have a photoshoot lined up next week and now I'm just hoping I don't look like a pig by then. Please help.

Oh, and this is the second time this has happened - my first ever to-be show, grinded for weeks, gets cancelled bc they didn't have enough people. I ended up doing a much bigger show a month later, but same deal - I had lost my drive losing my previous show, cheated on my diet, and looked like **** at my actual first show. History repeats itself I guess.

I can't help but I feel you!!

My April 4th show was cancelled. I have another one lined up in May but I'm 99% sure it'll be cancelled. Let's be real, most summer shows will be cancelled as well. I've eaten over my calories most days since my show was cancelled. I'm also home with the kids and my anxiety is super high so it's not helping. I just started a routine where I start each day with a workout (often it's cardio) to set the tone for the day. It seems to be helping.

Thing is, I feel like being in a calorie deficit right now doesn't make sense. Let's be real, we won't be stepping on stage anytime soon. I have a check-in with my coach on friday and will talk to her about it, maybe it would be 'easier' and make me sense to go back to building. I have a pretty good home gym. Because we are sabotaging right now but in my situation it's because I'm sure I won't compete anytime soon. I'm super good with my diet in prep but I don't want to sort of prep if I'm not stepping on a stage.
So I don't have a reason to be in a deficit; I'm lean and could benefit gaining mass still.
Maybe re-asses your objectives?

At least I've been working out daily since then!

I know how you feel OP, I also had a show cancelled on me, luckily in my case there was another show close enough to the one cancelled that I only had to keep dieting a few more weeks than I planned. But I can see if we are talking months away, you'd lose the motivation to stay on track.
Personally I work better with definite deadlines, so if it was me, I think I would give myself a finite amount of time to eat everything I want, then start prepping for the show I was going to do. In the time I give myself to eat what I want I would NOT whip myself for eating, would not feel guilty or ashamed or angry. I would remind myself that starting day X would go into prep mode for show Y, and that's that. There's nothing as mentally toxic as doing something while you beat yourself up for doing it.
Wish you best of luck OP!

I'd recommend not stressing too much about the shows as this is adding on your anxiety. Considering this situation, I'd say just let the situation resolve first, while you eat and train normally, and when you know more going back to the strict diet and training while prepping. Also, snacking on low calorie things may help as well. Or the good old chewing gum or lemon water to keep you full. :)

If this is the second time its happened, then its not an issue with having a goal.

Most likely caused by being too restrictive in the contest dieting process. See this alot with people who have an "all or nothing" mentality because when you are left with the "nothing" (no goal) then you get the "all" (all the food that you felt restricted from eating before). I would suggest coming out of prep, resetting, work on the proper mentality (not a push to the limit prep), look inside and figure out why you feel the need to push it so hard that you are having binging episodes with every prep when something not in your control happens.

That will go a longer way to preserving your metabolism and health and creating longevity in the sport than will punishing your body further.

I agree with sy that you should have a couple of weeks down to let the bingeing ease without guilt, shame, or other negative thoughts and feelings. Your body is telling you something, you would be wise to listen to it. The body whispers before it screams.