"you'll be as big as a house"....
My mom used to say that to me whenever I put anything in my mouth...especially if it was a cookie or cake. i was never 'fat' but I was athletic and wouldn't be considered skinny by any means. I've always been self conscious of how I looked and always wanted to be small and thin. When I was a freshman in college, I began to exercise alot and pretty much stopped eating. I never ate breakfast, had a plain tomato sandwich for lunch and dinner, coffee, and diet coke. Rice cakes became my treat and I also developed this thing for peaches and nectarines. I used to eat up to 6 nectarines in a sitting! i had stomach aches all the time, not to mention crazy bloating! I did this for about 2 years until one day I got hungry and started eating and not exercising so much.
I never went nuts with binge eating and bingeing and purging was just not my thing...I hated throwing up, even when I was legitamately sick.
Over the years I've had ups and downs. Some days I'd be totally content with how I looked and felt and then the very next day I would convince myself that I gained weight overnight and became obsessed with my body and what it looked like. I still don't like people to see me eat junk food and I don't really eat out much. If someone is visiting me and they suggest we go out to breakfast, I get a real uneasy feeling. I start thinking, "Well, if I eat breakfast then I can't eat lunch....that's too much food. I'll just have coffee." It will basically throw my whole day off, especially if it interferes with my workout at all.
I got down to about 130 a few years ago when I was taking ephedra and people really noticed how much thinner I had become. It was great to put on clothes that had fit a few months before and that were now falling off. Having to go buy new clothes because the old ones are way too big is probably one of the best shopping trips in the world! How can it NOT be fun?! Although, since they banned ephedra and I stopped taking it, my weight crept back up and now I'm back to about 150 (I've stopped checking). I eat well and exercise regularly but not compulsively by any means...I don't have time or the energy. I'm not happy every day, that's for sure, but I really try to accept what I have. It's hard, though. I don't like to see people who knew me when I was smaller because I feel that the first thing they'll think is "she put on weight". What's funny is when I look at pictures from my "skinny" days, I can remember feeling fat that day, thinking how gross I thought I was. It's amazing what your imagination can create and make you see something that really isn't there. Scary, huh?
My boyfriend, who's a personal trainer, is very supportive of me and has been with me through all of my "sizes", bigger and smaller. He loves me just the way I am and offers to help me in any way I need him to. It helps to have him to give me advice or to encourage me to do well in what ever I choose, really. He wants me to be happy and for us to enjoy our lives together.
While I think I'll struggle the rest of my life with my self image and my constant emphasis on exercise and food, I will do my best to be healthy and strong and will try not to deprive myself as I had done before. It's work, though, like everything else.