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Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?'
'I'll try!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'
A time traveler is in a Restaurant..
He enjoyed his food so much he went back four seconds.
.
.
.
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[color=green]NEWS IN PHOTOS[/color]
[size=5][b]Delta Plane Jettisons Dozens Of Comfort
Animals Midflight Following Policy
Changes[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/WewwxaY.png[/img]
- [b]THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER[/b] -
[size=6][b]Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key,
Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This
Year[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/kQqBLkY.png[/img]
[b]BEREA, KY—Saying that she didn’t want to go all out and turn the evening into
a “big huge thing,” area woman Caitlin Omstead announced Wednesday that
she would prefer to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year with a nice, low-key
fight at home with her boyfriend.[/b]
“The past three years we’ve gotten all dressed up and had these huge arguments out on
the town, so this year I feel like just staying in and having a laid-back quarrel at the
apartment,” Omstead reportedly told friends, adding that she wouldn’t mind curling up
on the couch with a movie only one person likes and bickering about money,
household duties, or the car.
“Plus, Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year, so it’ll be hard to get reservations
someplace where we can viciously argue about vacation planning under our breath.”
At press time, Omstead’s boyfriend said he didn’t care where they went to squabble
as long as they had bitter, resentment-fueled intercourse afterwards.
[size=6][b]Logitech Introduces High-Resistance
Keyboard For Fitness-Minded Typists[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/p7PwNGp.png[/img]
[b][i]NEWARK, CA—Saying that an intense workout was now as close as their home
or office work station, computer accessory manufacturer Logitech unveiled on
Thursday a new freestanding resistance keyboard for fitness-minded typists.[/i][/b]
“With up to 12 pounds of resistance per key, a vigorous exercise experience is
literally at your fingertips,” said company spokesperson Caroline Fenster,
adding that the variable-weight space bar and 10 preset workout routines allow
users to tailor their keystrokes to their individual fitness goals.
“The incline of the Logitech PowerBoard can also be adjusted to target different
muscle groups in the fingers, hands, and wrists, and to give users complete control
over how much they want to exert themselves while typing documents or emails.”
Logitech is reportedly hoping that the keyboard will improve the company’s
fortunes after last year’s disastrous rollout of its 150-pound strength-training
mouse.
[size=6][b]CEO Of Robotics Corporation Tells
Sobbing Andrew Yang That He Was His
Greatest Creation[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/hQ6wpA4.png[/img]
[b][i]WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his
knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics,
reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest
creation.[/i][/b]
“I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your
memories from your life before the campaign were simply constructed narratives
implanted into your neural processor,” said Tresswell, urging Yang to take
pride in the tremendous technological advances that he’d helped bring into
existence.
“I’ve watched you with such delight as, with each presidential debate, you became
more sophisticated, more emotive, more human. Don’t fret, my sweet Andrew, for
though you failed to become the nominee, you have achieved something far
greater, my son.”
At press time, an anguished Yang had reportedly crushed Tresswell’s skull with his
bare hands before fleeing through the rain-drenched streets of D.C.
[img]https://i.imgur.com/Pkb3W1c.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/wXKaNYa.png[/img]
[color=green]NEWS IN PHOTOS[/color]
[size=6][b]Rod Blagojevich Trying To Sell
Presidential Commutation To Cellmate
For $2.8 Million[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/hHrqtyF.png[/img]
- [b]THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER[/b] -
[size=6][b]Mom Still Seething Over Car That Blew
Through Stop Sign 15 Years Ago[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/OjQsOP7.png[/img]
[b]AUGUSTA, GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached
the notorious intersection, local mom Helen Schumacher was reportedly still
seething Monday over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago.[/b]
“It was so inconsiderate—they clearly saw me,” said Schumacher, who furrowed her
brow and shook her head while recalling how the vehicle blatantly sped right
through the crossing without any regard for oncoming traffic.
“It’s so dangerous! I still remember that it was a white Camry. I almost honked. And
you know there’s a school right down the street! It’s like the driver didn’t think
that he could’ve gotten hurt too.”
At press time, Schumacher conceded that at least it wasn’t as bad as the time in
2002 when that blue Taurus pulled out of the Sears parking lot like “a total maniac.”
[size=6][b]No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police
Informant His Cover's Blown[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/rMdORiI.png[/img]
[b][i]LOS ANGELES—A full week into his infiltration of the East Side Crips, no
member of the gang can bear to tell confidential police informant Hiram Loudon
that his cover was blown roughly a day and a half after his recruitment, sources
within the organization revealed Tuesday.[/i][/b]
“We’ve been on to him for weeks, but the poor guy’s trying so hard, we just don’t
have the heart to break it to him,” said street soldier Dwight Allwood, who
acknowledged he should have killed Loudon immediately the first time he noticed
a wire poking from the informant’s jeans pocket but “just couldn’t bring
myself to do it.”
“He’s a sweetheart of a guy, and he’s clearly dedicated to what he’s doing—he
learned all our gang signs and nicknames and everything. It’s going to be
devastating for him when he realizes he’s been found out.”
Admitting he has grown fond of the informant, Allwood said that when the time comes,
he will probably shoot Loudon in the back of the head to avoid watching as the
man’s face is blown off.
[size=6][b]‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’
Says Bloomberg To Standing
Ovation During DNC Debate[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/fyd8xQp.png[/img]
[b][i]LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former
New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential
candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the
Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an
iron fist.”[/i][/b]
“Kneel before me and tremble, you piteous wretches, for I am your new sovereign
ruler and my will is infallible,” said Bloomberg, cutting into his rivals’ speaking
time as his pledge to “vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants” was
met with thunderous applause by thousands of assembled audience members.
“You peons, you mean as little to me as a clump of dirt to a mighty mountain, and
I’ll step on the necks of every last one of you on my quest for greater and
greater power. Gaze upon your new God and fear my capricious wrath.”
At press time, the audience had broken out into chants of “Bloomberg! Bloomberg!”
as armed guards emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them
with batons.
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[color=green]NEWS IN PHOTOS[/color]
[size=6][b]‘Tell Me About It, Stud,’ Says Pleather-
Clad Elizabeth Warren On Debate Stage
In Effort To Court Bad Boy Demographic[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/kGbGz9x.png[/img]
- [b]THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER[/b] -
[size=6][b]Man Fails To Change Opinion Despite Being
Called ‘Stupid’ On The Internet[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/9GbZkL2.jpg[/img]
[b]Pennsylvania, United States- A man has declined to change his opinion despite
being called stupid several times on the Internet this morning.[/b]
The man, who claimed to have a superior level of "wokeness" sincerely believes his
utterly pathetic ideas about the evil Gubmint and Monetary Policy was repeatedly
informed he was both stupid and an attention seeking loon but inexplicably was
not won around.
Further debate indicated the man was unwilling to change his stance, stating
"Taxation is theft" despite considerable effort being put in to abuse him until
he did.
Professor Carl Donohue of the Institute of Dumbo Studies at Lackawanna College
told us that the lack of change was ‘incomprehensible’.
“Research has shown that the only reason someone can possibly disagree with you
on the Internet is if they’re stupid, evil or both.
“And yet the same research shows there are no instances of someone changing
their opinion when they’re told so.
“Possibly they haven’t been told often or loudly enough, and we plan to experiment
with calling people ‘SCUM!!!’ in 72-pt font until they agree.”
[size=6][b]Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets
Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The
Future[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/l5CtNdY.png[/img]
[b][i]MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future,
snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation
switch on his temporal teleportation device at precisely 7:30 a.m. this morning,
immediately sending himself hurtling through time.[/i][/b]
Having carefully computed the appropriate coordinates and loaded them into
his sophisticated time-travel mechanism, the veteran temporal navigator and
online ad salesman was reportedly able to rocket himself through the very fabric
of the fourth dimension with little more than the press of a button, traveling the
equivalent of five earth minutes in the mere blink of an eye.
“Ummghh,” said the snooze button time traveler upon his virtually
instantaneous arrival at 7:35 a.m., having rematerialized in the same spot in his
one-bedroom apartment exactly one-twelfth of an hour after his departure.
“Wha?”
“Gahh,” he added as he eyed his current time coordinates with disapproval,
immediately discerning with the insight of years of time-travel experience that
he had yet to journey far enough into the future.
With a vigorous and confident strike of his hand, Conley reportedly engaged the
ignition button again, initiating a second staggering surge though the
chronological ether. Quickly assuming the proper supine position necessary for
time travel, the temporal voyager pulled close his duvet heat barrier for the
fantastic light-speed journey before him.
While the electronic time-manipulation device that powers Conley’s leaps into
the future is said to be small, it is by no means simple. Bearing a dizzying array
of switches, dials, buttons, and an arcane digitized display of glowing numbers
and dots, the mechanism can reportedly be calibrated to the time cruiser’s exact
needs and is always kept within arm’s reach, perched conveniently atop a birch-
veneer self-assembled end table.
According to reports, the advanced device emits piercing tones to indicate a
successful arrival in the future, often blaring the choruses and verses of classic
rock songs from the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, and today, or occasionally the shrill
vocalizations of Conley’s disembodied travel companions, Bill And Linda In The
Morning.
“Son of a…” said the veritable time captain after a second deftly executed
chrono-jump, his vision blurred and a watery discharge emanating from his
mouth, both common side effects of his disorienting blasts through spacetime.
“Come on.”
“Agh,” he added defiantly before challenging the very limits of time travel by
commencing a third vault across the temporal threshold.
According to astonishing accounts, the 2003 University of Minnesota graduate is
known to venture as far as 20 minutes into the future routinely, completing
such mind-bending feats of chronological teleportation as many as three or four
mornings per week.
To endure his extraordinary journeys, Conley reportedly wears a specialized
time-travel suit consisting of cutting-edge cotton-poly-blend plaid leg
coverings and protective upper-body gear emblazoned with the words “Hard
Rock Cafe London,” garments specifically suited for the particular rigors of his
transits. In addition, the chrononaut’s meticulously engineered queen-sized
time-pod, which carries Conley effortlessly into the future, is said to consist of
dozens of hidden spring coils, a space-age quilt-top surface, and several
insulating layers of highly advanced 300-thread-count textiles.
In spite of his remarkable ability to bend the very dimensions of time to his will,
the snooze button time traveler is said to occasionally encounter obstacles on
his voyages. Indeed, such a glitch reportedly occurred Monday when an errant
deactivation of his device’s power toggle, which is located within just inches of
the launch bar, propelled the traveler into a much deeper wormhole in the
spacetime continuum than he had anticipated, depositing him woefully into the
far-too-distant future.
“What?” said Conley in momentary confusion, examining the unexpected digits
8:28 on his chrono-display before realizing he had been thrust a startling 48
minutes into the future and had no means of return. “No!”
“God fuking dammit,” the time traveler added as he hurriedly grabbed khaki
pants and a dress shirt from his hamper and sprinted toward the bathroom.
[size=6][b]Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With
Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/63O7izy.png[/img]
[b][i]LAS VEGAS—In a spontaneous romantic gesture by the 10-time Grammy Award
winner, guitarist Carlos Santana presented his wife, Cindy Blackman, with a
handmade coupon redeemable for a complimentary 45-minute guitar solo
Wednesday, sources confirmed.[/i][/b]
“There’s no expiration date—this one’s good anytime, babe,” Santana said of the
signed certificate bordered with hand-drawn hearts and musical notes, which is
said to grant the bearer “One (1) solo, either electric or acoustic, of no less
than 45 minutes.”
“No matter what time of day, no matter what I’m doing, just hand over the coupon
and I’ll give you a solo you won’t forget.”
Sources reported that Blackman then thanked her husband for the gift before
adding it to the nightstand drawer where she keeps all the previous Santana-
solo coupons she has received.
[img]https://i.imgur.com/qOctFVl.jpg?1[/img]
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there
is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol
and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists
and a rabbit?"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant, "when can you start?"
One moment you're 20 in the 70's.
Now you're 70 in the 20's :)
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That's good stuff Lou1se.. A Good morning chuckle
A few re-posts in there but glad you like 'em, mt.
Enjoy your contributions, especially the Cosby - Harvey meme which is a ripper :p
[size=4]I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.[/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/fpv6yUr.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/z3dTNtx.png[/img]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/FewFNDB.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/MvLikGw.jpg[/img]
[color=green]NEWS IN PHOTOS[/color]
[size=6][b]‘I’m Proud To Endorse Biden And So
Are All Of You,’ Announces Pipe-
Waving Amy Klobuchar[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/cdeiDMM.png[/img]
- [b]THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER[/b] -
[size=6][b]Biden Says Incredible Comeback Proves
He Can Beat Progressive Democrat In A
General Election[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/Ywgp39Z.png[/img]
[b]LOS ANGELES—Touting his Super Tuesday victories as evidence that he would
stand strong in the face of any real change, Joe Biden announced Wednesday
that his incredible electoral comeback proves he can beat a progressive
Democrat in the general election.[/b]
“Democratic voters have spoken, they know that when it comes to the presidential
election, I would be by far the most likely candidate to defeat Bernie Sanders,”
said Biden, who cited his strength among a wide variety of demographic groups
as proof he was the unity figure the party needs to fight back against the
Democratic Socialists they would be facing in November.
“People know this election is the most important of our lifetime, and we need to
nominate someone who can stop progressive policies in their tracks. In fact, if we
harness that energy, I have no doubt we can deliver a resounding defeat to the
entire Democratic party.”
Biden ended his victory speech by claiming that if this momentum continued, the
Democrats could be celebrating their biggest victory over their opponents ever
at July’s convention.
[size=6][b]Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of
What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/rjkEQFj.png[/img]
[b][i]MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since
she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday
that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big
fat guy.[/i][/b]
“The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man and
rubbing my huge, protruding belly in the mirror, is honestly indescribable,” said the
nine-months pregnant Drysdale, adding that while she was scared at first to feel
like an obese middle-aged dad, coming home, putting on her stretchy pants, and
downing an entire pizza by herself in a La-Z-Boy recliner had exceeded her
expectations.
“Yes, it’s hard sometimes, because my ankles are swollen, I can’t actually touch my
toes, and I sweat in crevices I never even knew I had. But when I get to say things
like ‘Woah! My dogs are barking,’ or do a big laugh that makes my whole body
jiggle, it’s incredible. And honestly, it’s powerful.”
At press time, Drysdale had retracted her statements after she gave birth and doctors
informed her that she had gained 70 pounds.
[size=6][b]Desperate CDC Director Walks Down
Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-
On-One Talk With Avian Flu About
Stopping Coronavirus[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/cQHeksX.png[/img]
[b][i]ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new
outbreak, Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly
walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday
in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly
coronavirus.[/i][/b]
Striding past hardened infectious agents in a subterranean prison deep beneath CDC
headquarters, the director appeared shaken as he endured the maniacal laughter
of cholera and the blood-curdling screams of tuberculosis.
The CDC director reportedly withstood a series of menacing taunts from
diphtheria, which was heard whispering sardonically about how quickly it could
replicate itself inside Redfield’s cells.
According to reports, Redfield spoke through an intercom to address avian strain H5N1,
which is kept in solitary confinement in a hermetically sealed room. In exchange for
insight into how the new coronavirus might be planning to turn itself into a devastating
worldwide pandemic, Redfield is believed to have offered the highly pathogenic flu
accommodations in a larger, more comfortable vial, as well as special privileges
that would allow it to spend part of the day in an open-air petri dish.
At press time, sources confirmed the facility had entered full lockdown after a guard
discovered avian flu had seduced and killed the CDC director in order to escape.
[img]https://i.imgur.com/tfyHIRd.jpg[/img]
The past few weeks has taught us that stupidity spreads faster than any virus
.
.
.
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter
with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus
flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop
down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five
minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of
the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to
be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
I have a 24 pack of Walmart toilet rolls. Looking
to swap for a 4 bedroom house.
.
.
[img]https://i.imgur.com/QHIwDLD.jpg[/img]
If ya happen too go to Disneyland and see Snow white and only 6 dwarfs..
That's cause Sneezy just got quarantined.
I decided to have a go in the market because of all the advice. "Buy the dip" they keep saying.
I have French Onion, Guacamole and Pesto. I don't see how that is going to make me any money
but at least it goes well with a cracker and glass of red. :p ;)
[color=green]NEWS IN PHOTOS[/color]
[size=6][b]Report: Spider[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/cLnDgk6.png[/img]
- [b]THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER[/b] -
[size=6][b]Insecure Man Worried Everyone At Gym
Will Stare At His Perfectly Chiseled Body[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/DTcGRih.png[/img]
[b]FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Voicing his deep-seated feelings of body-related self-
consciousness, local man Will Bettner admitted Tuesday that he was worried
everyone at his gym was staring at his perfectly chiseled body.[/b]
“I simply want to take care of my body, but I feel like everyone is just ogling its
rippling, godlike magnificence,” said Bettner, 29, who has taken to wearing large
hoodies in an unsuccessful attempt to obscure his gigantic biceps.
“It’s unnerving to feel everyone’s eyes on you while you deadlift more weight than
they could ever dream of. Even the trainers are always on my back about my
gain goals, and also if I’m single and what my phone number is.
“I mean, I know I should be able to love my body for what it is, but it’s hard
when society sets unrealistic standards of physical perfection that I’m
constantly surpassing.”
Bettner told reporters that he refuses to change in the locker room out of
fear that someone would see his massive penis.
[size=6][b]Nation's Nerds Wake Up In Utopia Where
Everyone Stays Inside, Sports Are
Canceled, Social Interaction Forbidden[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/krGB3gv.png[/img]
[b][i]U.S.—The nation's nerds woke up in a utopia this morning, one where everyone stays
inside, sporting events are being canceled, and all social interaction is forbidden.[/i][/b]
All types of nerds, from social introverts to hardcore PC gamers, welcomed the dawn of this
new era, privately from their own homes.
"I have been waiting my whole life for this moment," said Ned Pendleton, 32 -- via text
message, of course -- as he fired up [i]League of Legends[/i] on his beefy gaming PC. "They told
me to take up a sport and that the kids playing basketball and stuff were gonna be way
more successful than us nerds who played Counter-Strike at LAN parties every weekend."
"They all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
To prepare for the onslaught of the deadly disease, nerds are changing absolutely nothing
and are expected to rise up to rule the post-Coronavirus society, as they are the ones best
adjusted to being sheltered in a basement, garage, or room for many days at a time
marathoning [i]Halo, Half-Life, The Legend of Zelda, Red Dead Redemption, or Horizon Zero
Dawn[/i]. They're also ready for any post-apocalyptic wasteland, as they've played many,
many hours of [i]Fallout[/i] and are adept at killing bloatflies and collecting bottlecaps.
Of course, many nerds are running out of hygienic products, but they say that's "not an
issue."
[size=6][b]Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To
Your Fcuking Seats Because This Bitch
Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting
Yet’[/b][/size]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/IjaUzJ8.png[/img]
[b][i]STANFORD, CA—In response to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak, top U.S.
health experts warned the nation Thursday to hold onto their fuking seats,
because this bitch hasn’t even thought about starting yet.[/i][/b]
“We’ve been getting a lot of questions surrounding Covid-19, and, well, you all better
buckle the fuk up, because this chit is about to kick into high gear,” said Stanford
professor of health research and policy Richard Mason, throwing all his papers in
the air and warning the nation that they better strap in tight, because this
motherfuker will knock you on your goddamn ass.
“If you think it’s bad now, just fuking wait, because this son of a bitch is gonna go
into full-fledged annihilation mode.
“Seriously, wash your hands, cut off your hands—it doesn’t fuking matter. You
poor bastards are going to get absolutely fuking destroyed.”
At press time, Mason knocked over his podium, curled up in a ball on
the floor, and started screaming, “Steel yourselves!”
Nice take on the news!!!
Thanks Lou1se!