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View Full Version : It finally happened, my wife has passed away on 6/13



beachguy498
06-15-2014, 10:02 AM
Barbara has mercifully passed away on June 13th at 6:20 am. She was less and less responsive for the past 10 days and was sleeping almost all the time. I got the call early Friday morning and got to spend her last hour with my son Ryan and my sister in law Donna. My oldest son lives in NJ and couldn't get there in time. She was suffering and I can't even imagine what was going through her mind along the way. I fully believe that hell is right here on earth. Hospice was absolutely the best place she could be and everyone that works there were saints.

Services are set for Monday and a memorial service for Tuesday morning. I have a lot of good people around me that have risen above and beyond to help us out.

But there are some people in the family that have sunk to new lows. I have one sister who I have mentioned is known as the Grim Reaper. I know she means well, but she has been talked to time and time again on how to act and what not to do. She has this morbid habit of having to be the first one to spread bad news when someone is sick, dying or dead. She calls me up with medical updates (from things she overhears from the hospice nurses) although I did talk to them all the time. She was warned not to post anything on FB by my SIL Donna so we'll see how that plays out. I have a couple of other family members that have also attained outcast status over the years, they live out of state which is good.

My one SIL Donna has been an amazing help to us. I can't tell you what she has done to make things easier. We made the funeral arrangements on Friday amidst my sister calling, texting and leaving us both emails every 10 minutes. I had to call her and tell her to stop calling us. I had to make a slew of very important calls myself which she was oblivious to.

We were out Saturday ordering flowers and Donna gets 3 phone calls from the Outcast Brigade asking HER to buy flowers for them. Donna is still waiting to be paid for flowers she bought when my dad died this past December. She told them point-blank, "I bought my flowers already, you'll have to get your own.".

My sons are doing well considering and have been there almost every day at hospice which is a feat for my oldest son who is living in NJ. I went out with my youngest son to Macys yesterday and got him a nice suit, shirt and tie. He lifts and what fit him 6 months ago is too small now. I cleaned off my dining room table that was full of paperwork and medications. We had our first home-cooked meal here in the past month. We cleaned house top to bottom (mostly..), I cleaned out the refrigerator and freezer, went shopping for food.

Today I will plant flowers outside, gather pictures for the services, do some wash and try to relax. Thanks to everyone for their prayers and best wishes over the past months. I probably won't get back here online for a few days.

Rob

demike
06-15-2014, 10:06 AM
I'm very sorry to hear of this bad news, no words can express the sentiment that is meant. I wish you the best and I hope you and your family finds peace. I don't really know what else to say except if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.

Wish you the best.

whatevergirl
06-15-2014, 10:12 AM
I was following your other thread, I'm so very sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies for you and your family during this time.

kimm4
06-15-2014, 10:14 AM
My deepest condolences to you and your family at this time. May you find peace and healing.

latebloomingmom
06-15-2014, 10:20 AM
I am glad she got to be in hospice and that it was a good place to be.
Its good that she had family and your children got to see her too.
take a deep breath...let it out
you made it thru a long drawn out battle
I am sorry she has passed but her time of suffering is now done
Trish

Jtbny
06-15-2014, 10:39 AM
Very sorry for your loss. My condelances to you are your family.

mcbourque
06-15-2014, 11:11 AM
So sorry for your lost. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

ajdahlheimer
06-15-2014, 11:13 AM
Sorry for your loss. Your strength throughout this is more admirable than any amount of weight anyone ever lifted. RIP to your wife.

MrMcgaw
06-15-2014, 11:17 AM
This i couldn't imagine.

MrSmellGood
06-15-2014, 11:23 AM
Im sorry for your loss, God bless and rest her soul and comfort you and your childrens hearts in this time of need.

RIP

Wayne Evans
06-15-2014, 11:33 AM
I kept up with your other thread.

I echo all of the above and can only imagine the grief all are enduring.

Sincerely submitted....

Plateauplower
06-15-2014, 11:40 AM
Sorry for your loss, thoughts and prayers for your family.

Phattso
06-15-2014, 11:41 AM
Very sorry to hear this. My most sincere condolences to you and your family. Prayers.

Brackneyc
06-15-2014, 11:42 AM
...

so-tex
06-15-2014, 11:54 AM
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

ChazWood
06-15-2014, 12:20 PM
I'm very sorry for your loss, Rob. I offer my sincere condolences to you and your family.

Barbara has found peace knowing she's loved. May you find peace and healing.

ArchAngel'73
06-15-2014, 12:26 PM
My sincerest condolences.

thomashenry
06-15-2014, 12:49 PM
Barbara has mercifully passed away on June 13th at 6:20 am. She was less and less responsive for the past 10 days and was sleeping almost all the time. I got the call early Friday morning and got to spend her last hour with my son Ryan and my sister in law Donna. My oldest son lives in NJ and couldn't get there in time. She was suffering and I can't even imagine what was going through her mind along the way. I fully believe that hell is right here on earth. Hospice was absolutely the best place she could be and everyone that works there were saints.

Services are set for Monday and a memorial service for Tuesday morning. I have a lot of good people around me that have risen above and beyond to help us out.

But there are some people in the family that have sunk to new lows. I have one sister who I have mentioned is known as the Grim Reaper. I know she means well, but she has been talked to time and time again on how to act and what not to do. She has this morbid habit of having to be the first one to spread bad news when someone is sick, dying or dead. She calls me up with medical updates (from things she overhears from the hospice nurses) although I did talk to them all the time. She was warned not to post anything on FB by my SIL Donna so we'll see how that plays out. I have a couple of other family members that have also attained outcast status over the years, they live out of state which is good.

My one SIL Donna has been an amazing help to us. I can't tell you what she has done to make things easier. We made the funeral arrangements on Friday amidst my sister calling, texting and leaving us both emails every 10 minutes. I had to call her and tell her to stop calling us. I had to make a slew of very important calls myself which she was oblivious to.

We were out Saturday ordering flowers and Donna gets 3 phone calls from the Outcast Brigade asking HER to buy flowers for them. Donna is still waiting to be paid for flowers she bought when my dad died this past December. She told them point-blank, "I bought my flowers already, you'll have to get your own.".

My sons are doing well considering and have been there almost every day at hospice which is a feat for my oldest son who is living in NJ. I went out with my youngest son to Macys yesterday and got him a nice suit, shirt and tie. He lifts and what fit him 6 months ago is too small now. I cleaned off my dining room table that was full of paperwork and medications. We had our first home-cooked meal here in the past month. We cleaned house top to bottom (mostly..), I cleaned out the refrigerator and freezer, went shopping for food.

Today I will plant flowers outside, gather pictures for the services, do some wash and try to relax. Thanks to everyone for their prayers and best wishes over the past months. I probably won't get back here online for a few days.

Rob My Sincere Sympathies and condolences to you & your Family, Saying Prayers for you, Anything you need Rob let me know, take it slow my Brother

cowboybiker
06-15-2014, 12:57 PM
Sorry for your loss.
Prayers for you and your family.

poundXpound
06-15-2014, 01:55 PM
Deepest sympathies to you and your family. I cannot imagine the loss you're feeling.

NorwichGrad
06-15-2014, 02:24 PM
I was also following your other thread..

I am very sorry for your loss..

Big_Sky_Guy
06-15-2014, 02:31 PM
Prayers. Never easy.

GuyJin
06-15-2014, 02:59 PM
Sincerest condolences to you and yours.

hickorysmoked1
06-15-2014, 03:05 PM
Hit new posts and didn't realize this was O35 misc, but I have to say my condolences are with you and your family. Hopefully your wife finds peace from her suffering now, and you guys can remember the better moments shared with her. Stay strong man.

CellTrek
06-15-2014, 03:07 PM
Keep your chin up, Rob. I wish you and your family peace in this tough time.

StressMonkey
06-15-2014, 03:15 PM
Deepest condolences to you.

Hospice has angels working for them. They are the best. I'm glad you felt that she was in good hands at the end.

RobRocks
06-15-2014, 04:02 PM
Very sorry for your loss,

frozensparky
06-15-2014, 04:09 PM
Sincerest condolences. Very sorry for your loss.

Corbi
06-15-2014, 05:24 PM
Nothing I can add that hasn't been said already. Just be thankful that she is at peace now and you got to be with her at the end.

Frnkd
06-15-2014, 05:46 PM
My sincerest condolences also. May she RIP

Oceanside
06-15-2014, 05:50 PM
sorry to hear about your wife...

hope you and your family get through these dark days as soon as possible.

Cass40
06-15-2014, 05:51 PM
Very sorry for your loss. Lots of loving and caring thoughts to you and yours.

ElevatedVaal
06-15-2014, 05:57 PM
even though this is 35+ section, i feel the need to post;

I am so sorry to hear about your Wife. May god grant you peace in this time of sorrow. Our prayers are with you."

-val

Bando
06-15-2014, 06:12 PM
I'm so sorry Man. Terrible loss, breaks my heart.

pharmamarketer
06-15-2014, 06:18 PM
So sorry to hear that.

trickyB
06-15-2014, 06:45 PM
My prayers are with you and your family.

yogachic52
06-15-2014, 06:46 PM
Was following on your other thread - so very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and healing thoughts to you and your family.

djflex
06-15-2014, 07:02 PM
My deepest condolences . I am so very sorry for your loss.

Jsf721
06-15-2014, 07:02 PM
I am very sorry for your loss. I too was following your threads. I wish you the strength to handle the days ahead

pvsampson
06-15-2014, 07:03 PM
As all others have said.....My condolences to you and your family Rob.

Take care of yourself.

jeffaus
06-15-2014, 07:50 PM
Very sorry for your loss Rob. Deepest condolences to you and your family.

Fishman15
06-15-2014, 08:09 PM
So sorry to see this. Was following your other thread and was so impressed with your mental strength on dealing with all this. May your wife finally rest in peace. God Bless...

Old-Time-Lifter
06-15-2014, 08:49 PM
So very sorry to read this tonight. Prayers for comfort for you and your entire family.

IrRon
06-15-2014, 08:57 PM
Very sad...very sorry for the loss of your wife...take care.

Clinos
06-15-2014, 09:00 PM
Very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope there is some comfort for your family now that she is in peace.

bigt405
06-15-2014, 10:16 PM
So sorry for your lost. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

salamisalem
06-15-2014, 10:20 PM
my heart goes out to you and your family. She's in a better place, and I hope you all make it through this by helping each other and staying strong.

WonderPug
06-16-2014, 05:51 AM
I'm very sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your children in my thoughts.

And, as you said, now at least your wife's suffering has ended and, thankfully, the value of her life will continue in memories and in the reflections upon your children and their children and beyond.

Stay strong.

Desparado
06-16-2014, 06:44 AM
Condolences to you and your family.

GreenWave1
06-16-2014, 07:39 AM
Please accept my condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

Firminator4
06-16-2014, 07:59 AM
So sorry for your loss. I know it has been a tough road for all of you. My prayers go out for you and all who love her.

Peace!
Firm

sy2502
06-16-2014, 11:25 AM
Sorry for your loss.

danap3681
06-16-2014, 12:02 PM
Sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.

tobymax123
06-16-2014, 12:31 PM
My sincere condolences to you and your sons.

In your sorrow, I hope you found a reason to smile in this: "I went out with my youngest son to Macys yesterday and got him a nice suit, shirt and tie. He lifts and what fit him 6 months ago is too small now." Something's going right there. ;)

DeTazMan
06-16-2014, 12:48 PM
I also would like to extend my condolences to you and your family. May the peaceful and loving touch God envelop you in this time.

superman713
06-16-2014, 03:35 PM
So sorry for your loss Rob. May her soul rest in peace, and her memories provide you many more years of smiles. Peace be with you and yours during this sad time...

MiamiSpartan
06-16-2014, 11:28 PM
Oh geez....I'm so sorry to hear this!!
Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family...
😢

o0o0
06-16-2014, 11:49 PM
My condolences to you and your family.

beachguy498
06-17-2014, 07:01 AM
Thank you all. Yesterday went better than expected and today the service is in an hour. The amount of people that came out for Barbara and us was overwhelming. They had to open the viewing room to another section and the parking lot was full. People had to stand out in the lobby and wait to get in.

The amount of flowers and cards just blew me away, I hope the funeral home can find some way to use them.

All went well with family, I avoided those who add to my grief and I think they sensed it. Everyone from her job showed up and they gave me updates on her accounts and disability claim. People came from as far as Texas and Florida, also NYC. Neighbors, people from the PTA, school board, Cub and Boy Scouts too.

My FIL showed up seriously under-dressed and said that Barbara would remember him best like that. Then he goes to brag about how he recently won a best-dressed award at an old-farts-home event. I did not say a word but his family was upset over it. Odd how things like this stick in your mind at these times. I hope someone talks some sense into him and helps him pick out better clothes.

My sons are taking it pretty well, although the empty beer can collection on the deck is growing. As long as none of them are driving its okay and there is always a DD around if someone needs a lift.

whatevergirl
06-17-2014, 07:24 AM
Thank you all. Yesterday went better than expected and today the service is in an hour. The amount of people that came out for Barbara and us was overwhelming. They had to open the viewing room to another section and the parking lot was full. People had to stand out in the lobby and wait to get in.

The amount of flowers and cards just blew me away, I hope the funeral home can find some way to use them.

All went well with family, I avoided those who add to my grief and I think they sensed it. Everyone from her job showed up and they gave me updates on her accounts and disability claim. People came from as far as Texas and Florida, also NYC. Neighbors, people from the PTA, school board, Cub and Boy Scouts too.

My FIL showed up seriously under-dressed and said that Barbara would remember him best like that. Then he goes to brag about how he recently won a best-dressed award at an old-farts-home event. I did not say a word but his family was upset over it. Odd how things like this stick in your mind at these times. I hope someone talks some sense into him and helps him pick out better clothes.

My sons are taking it pretty well, although the empty beer can collection on the deck is growing. As long as none of them are driving its okay and there is always a DD around if someone needs a lift.

Your FIL sounds, hmmm...interesting. lol I know it's probably hard to bite your tongue but I admire your class and humility very much!

It sounds like your wife was so treasured and loved by many--how wonderful!!
My best to you and your family during this time.

Phattso
06-17-2014, 07:33 AM
All the best, Rob. She and you are obviously loved.

Demonchylde
06-17-2014, 09:49 AM
All the best, Rob. She and you are obviously loved.

My condolences to you and your family. It's never easy, and I am saddened for you, but wish all the strength for your family in this time of need. I am not very good at words like this, but all the best.

JimmyJonny
06-17-2014, 11:55 AM
So sorry Rob. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours.

Rickck48
06-17-2014, 08:34 PM
I have never been in your shoes and I don't know what your feeling. I knnow I will pray for you all. I've had to do a lot of services for families and I don't believe it gets any easier. May God Bless my friend.

beachguy498
06-18-2014, 10:33 AM
Your FIL sounds, hmmm...interesting. lol I know it's probably hard to bite your tongue but I admire your class and humility very much!

It sounds like your wife was so treasured and loved by many--how wonderful!! My best to you and your family during this time.

It was hard not to say anything to a lot of people over the past few days. But Barbara would have not liked any confrontations. She also wanted everyone to be strong.

Again, I can't tell you all how much everyone loved her. She had this way of puling in people like a magnet. I could see complete strangers react to talking with her all the time. The service went well yesterday and I didn't break down though I came close. We had a gathering after at a friend's house down the street and we all had a good time. She would have liked that.

Today, I pick up the pieces. Cleaning house, opening cards, putting things away. I may go back to work tomorrow just to give my mind a break. Also may be back in the gym soon, haven't been there since May 5th or so. She told me then that she needed me to take care of her, which I did.

Nikonguy
06-18-2014, 10:44 AM
I can't add anything new to what has been already said about your loss but your remarks about your wife and the kind of life she led speaks volumes. Those that knew her, or even just met her, were blessed.

Lou1se
06-18-2014, 11:07 AM
So very sorry to hear the news. She was a wonderful woman and made quite an impression on anyone that met her. My thoughts are with you and the family.

beachguy498
06-19-2014, 07:14 AM
Back to work today.. good to do normal stuff and I'm off the next 3 days. Even at work they took up a collection and sent 2 arrangements for the wake. Everyone knew how I felt about Barbara and they were also in awe of how packed the wake was. My sons are doing pretty well, one has a b-day coming up so that may be strange to get through.

ajdahlheimer
06-19-2014, 07:36 AM
Back to work today.. good to do normal stuff and I'm off the next 3 days. Even at work they took up a collection and sent 2 arrangements for the wake. Everyone knew how I felt about Barbara and they were also in awe of how packed the wake was. My sons are doing pretty well, one has a b-day coming up so that may be strange to get through.

Beachguy--I would really like it if you PM'd me your wife's obit, but obviously don't feel obligated if you have security/personal info reservations.

Stay strong, partner.

lynore
06-19-2014, 04:41 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

God bless.

drudixon
06-19-2014, 05:24 PM
Wo bud, just saw this. Death isn't sad for those who die, but thos left behind. You se m to be pretty together. Good vibes coming your way.

DocHoss
06-21-2014, 12:45 AM
My deepest condolences on your wife's passing. I can only begin to imagine how difficult this has been and still is for you. I lost my mother to cancer and her last days were much like your wife's (but with less family drama), so I have some idea of what went on. But one expects to outlive one's parents; losing a spouse can be a much harder blow as you never really think it will happen.

I wish you peace and comfort in these difficult days.


Apologies on the delay - been on travel and only just saw this thread

whatevergirl
06-21-2014, 06:04 PM
It was hard not to say anything to a lot of people over the past few days. But Barbara would have not liked any confrontations. She also wanted everyone to be strong.

Again, I can't tell you all how much everyone loved her. She had this way of puling in people like a magnet. I could see complete strangers react to talking with her all the time. The service went well yesterday and I didn't break down though I came close. We had a gathering after at a friend's house down the street and we all had a good time. She would have liked that.

Today, I pick up the pieces. Cleaning house, opening cards, putting things away. I may go back to work tomorrow just to give my mind a break. Also may be back in the gym soon, haven't been there since May 5th or so. She told me then that she needed me to take care of her, which I did.

Your wife sounds like such an outstanding person. :o
I was thinking about you, today; hope you are doing ok.

beachguy498
06-23-2014, 05:28 AM
Your wife sounds like such an outstanding person. :o
I was thinking about you, today; hope you are doing ok.

She was amazing and I have so many people in the family that are "less than amazing" by far and they still walk the earth. Makes no sense to me.

My one son's birthday (and our wedding anniversary...) is later in the week. Trying to get some family together to celebrate, need to do something normal and get the house back into shape. I'm forgetting to do a lot of small things, like go shopping, deal with some forms for insurance, etc. It just slips my mind. My SIL Donna is going to help with thank you cards and the banking (she's a banker) and eventually get Barbara's clothes & things together to donate. That is going to be the killer for me.

The cat (Chloe) is still freaked out, but you can't explain such things to a cat. So people give her more attention and she did curl up in my lap the other day.

whatevergirl
06-23-2014, 06:15 AM
Yes, she sounds like it. That's sad about the cat. There's no rush to dealing with things that you might not be ready to deal with, yet. Just do what you can.

I can relate to your comment about "less than amazing people" who are still around. :o It's largely why I don't really follow religion anymore, and don't really believe in "God" anymore. But I do believe in karma. lol Ah, but stories for another time. You have so much to process and I just admire your strength throughout.

Have a good week! One day at a time. :)



She was amazing and I have so many people in the family that are "less than amazing" by far and they still walk the earth. Makes no sense to me.

My one son's birthday (and our wedding anniversary...) is later in the week. Trying to get some family together to celebrate, need to do something normal and get the house back into shape. I'm forgetting to do a lot of small things, like go shopping, deal with some forms for insurance, etc. It just slips my mind. My SIL Donna is going to help with thank you cards and the banking (she's a banker) and eventually get Barbara's clothes & things together to donate. That is going to be the killer for me.

The cat (Chloe) is still freaked out, but you can't explain such things to a cat. So people give her more attention and she did curl up in my lap the other day.

latebloomingmom
06-23-2014, 06:18 AM
yes inlist help to go thru all the stuff..
when my mother in law passed away
me and my three sister in laws helped my father in law
we took all family pictures and organized them into albums
put some bigger ones in frames to hang around house
we helped him down size..he only wanted a few things to decorate for at christmas
then we sent most of her clothing to be donated
and we held a giant yard sale that he did not have to be involved in

we told him " Dad she was your wife..you go thru and decide what stays and what goes..just point and we will do the rest"


do this a bit at a time..as your energy level allows
when it gets too much
step away and do something else for awhile

I am going to say something in this day and age of gender equality might seem strange or outdated
but the woman of the house is the hub of the wheel in many ways..she is the glue that keeps the family together
she is the keeper of all the birthdays and anniversaries
and knows when its grandparents days at school
she has recipes stuffed in boxes and falling out of cook books that she has had memorized since 1978 :)
she organizes family reunions, tells you when your tie does not match your shirt and when one of the kid's is coming down with a cold

my father in law had been married for gosh almost forty years and he felt very out of sorts for awhile
but in time he got very involved with doing things with kids and grandkids and he traveled around and did things he wanted to do
he got a doggie and went for walks ( took that dog everywhere with him)
this is a process though that does not happen over night

beachguy498
06-23-2014, 07:34 AM
Yes, she sounds like it. That's sad about the cat. There's no rush to dealing with things that you might not be ready to deal with, yet. Just do what you can.

I can relate to your comment about "less than amazing people" who are still around. :o It's largely why I don't really follow religion anymore, and don't really believe in "God" anymore. But I do believe in karma. lol Ah, but stories for another time. You have so much to process and I just admire your strength throughout.

Have a good week! One day at a time. :)

I believe that my belief in god is out the window. I was always leaning towards being agnostic, but this has sealed the deal for me as far as religion goes. Karma may catch up with some people in time, maybe I'm on the bad side of some karma in my past, who knows?


yes inlist help to go thru all the stuff..
when my mother in law passed away
me and my three sister in laws helped my father in law
we took all family pictures and organized them into albums
put some bigger ones in frames to hang around house
we helped him down size..he only wanted a few things to decorate for at christmas
then we sent most of her clothing to be donated
and we held a giant yard sale that he did not have to be involved in

we told him " Dad she was your wife..you go thru and decide what stays and what goes..just point and we will do the rest"

do this a bit at a time..as your energy level allows
when it gets too much
step away and do something else for awhile

I am going to say something in this day and age of gender equality might seem strange or outdated
but the woman of the house is the hub of the wheel in many ways..she is the glue that keeps the family together
she is the keeper of all the birthdays and anniversaries
and knows when its grandparents days at school
she has recipes stuffed in boxes and falling out of cook books that she has had memorized since 1978 :)
she organizes family reunions, tells you when your tie does not match your shirt and when one of the kid's is coming down with a cold

my father in law had been married for gosh almost forty years and he felt very out of sorts for awhile
but in time he got very involved with doing things with kids and grandkids and he traveled around and did things he wanted to do
he got a doggie and went for walks ( took that dog everywhere with him)
this is a process though that does not happen over night

Wives and mothers often keep everyone together in the family, Barbara was exceptional at that. I pretty much know of everyone's birthday and other key events. When her mother died in late 2011, she had already gotten Barbara a birthday present and card in advance, but her illness and own demise got in the way of giving it to her in time. They were both beautiful women that had their beauty robbed from them in their final months. I have pictures of her mother around from 2010 and even at age 81 she looked great, like mother, like daughter.

Funny that you mentioned the recipe book, ours is pretty much the same way, in an organized state of confusion. I use lots of those recipes, some were hand written by ehr mom over the years. I'll have to straighten it out a bit.

I feel that I'm going down the same rabbit hole that my father did, when my mom died at age 52.. way too young. He was very lost for a long time, remarried at age 73 to someone that turned out to be positively the most evil person he could manage to find, caused much trouble in the family. She has family in the area, but only a niece and nephew showed up for her wake and they said nothing good about her and did not attend the burial. So me getting remarried... I don't think any woman could ever measure up to what I had for 13 days shy of 31 years.

I have no idea what to do for Xmas and Easter in the future, which we have hosted forever. Barbara insisted on us having Easter at the house this year, no matter what. I feel that she knew it may be her last holiday. I did the bulk of the cooking and everything else, I had lots of help from family as well. She took a bad turn shortly after Easter and was in for her first hospital stay just 18 days later. I'd like just to blow out of town for Xmas, take my kids and their girlfriends down to the Keys for a few days, but realize I have to face the holidays at some point in time in my own house.

To my advantage, I'm still working for at least another 2 years, so this keeps me busy. No grandkids as of yet, really in no rush for that either right now. I should have no money issues ever since we believed in things like life insurance and we had plenty of investments for retirement. Very sad to get this close and have life blow up on us.

latebloomingmom
06-23-2014, 07:41 AM
there may be grief counseling available in your area which I know it sounds hooky but I have heard good things about it
give you someone to talk to..vent to..

when my dad in law would sit and stare around the house
feeling very overwhelmed and say to me "Trish I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself now"
I said "maybe you're not supposed to know ..maybe it will reveal itself little by little..as time goes on"

there is no reason why you should have to continue to carry on with doing huge family/holiday gatherings if you dont want to

this is your life ya know
and grown children are capable of taking over some of those duties

right now you are in the aftermath of a war zone.. a tornado..a hurricane..
you are bound to forget your phone number at times or where the extra key is for the garage

not now..but later..not now! later..
you have to give yourself permission to ask this question

"what is it I still want to accomplish, see, do in my life"


oh and by the way..whatever you are feeling: anger, exhaustion, hostility, pessimism, hatred, depression...whatever jumble it is?
its exactly how you are supposed to be feeling

...it is only from much love that deep sadness flows..

beachguy498
06-23-2014, 07:49 AM
there may be grief counseling available in your area which I know it sounds hooky but I have heard good things about it
give you someone to talk to..vent to..

when my dad in law would sit and stare around the house
feeling very overwhelmed and say to me "Trish I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself now"
I said "maybe you're not supposed to know ..maybe it will reveal itself little by little..as time goes on"

there is no reason why you should have to continue to carry on with doing huge family/holiday gatherings if you dont want to

this is your life ya know
and grown children are capable of taking over some of those duties

Hospice said they would call me in a few weeks about local support groups in the area, which I now know I should be going to. I'll give it a chance and see if my sons want to go with me, or other family and friends. We are all grieving a big loss.

I may feel differently by Xmas, but definitely won't be going whole-hog on the decorations, the tree will be bad enough to deal with. But it will be time to deal out ornaments that the kids should have for their own trees. There are family members that I really have no desire to have around me due to things that went on in the past months that I found inexcusable, but I don't think that any malice was behind anything. This is coming to me slowly.

whatevergirl
06-23-2014, 08:00 AM
@ Rob;

I'm glad what I said didn't offend. Yea, I had felt that way too for a while yet going through the motions of religion etc. I don't know, everyone processes things differently. To me, if there exists a god, how do we know that "he" doesn't just let things unravel and death is just one of those things. I'm oddly comforted in knowing that my loved ones and friends who have died, are no longer suffering. If there is an afterlife, so be it. But, I don't concern myself with it because I look at how you describe your wife, how she lived her life, and believe that is what matters most. She loved. She is loved. She left an amazing footprint in this life.

Hold onto that. Okay, I will stop rambling in your thread, now. Be well and I wish you the best. :)

latebloomingmom
06-23-2014, 08:02 AM
one day my father in law just looked at me and said
"ya know what I really want to do..I just want to shut the world out for awhile..close all the curtains, sit around in my bathrobe and watch John Wayne movies until I get sick of them"
I smiled..and said " sounds like a fine idea..why dont you do that"
and he just laughed in an exhausted kinda way that ended up coming out more like a sigh.."what would people think honey"

I said " Dad ..who gives a sh*t what people think anyhow"

so he did...for like a whole weekend..then on monday I saw him out walking the dog again :)

beachguy498
06-23-2014, 09:15 AM
@ Rob;

I'm glad what I said didn't offend. Yea, I had felt that way too for a while yet going through the motions of religion etc. I don't know, everyone processes things differently. To me, if there exists a god, how do we know that "he" doesn't just let things unravel and death is just one of those things. I'm oddly comforted in knowing that my loved ones and friends who have died, are no longer suffering. If there is an afterlife, so be it. But, I don't concern myself with it because I look at how you describe your wife, how she lived her life, and believe that is what matters most. She loved. She is loved. She left an amazing footprint in this life.

She was always very very special to me and to a great numbers of others too. So how can a "god" justify taking someone who was so essential to all? By rights, the universe should have imploded by now. And yes she did suffer for the past few months. We got the word of the cancer spread just about the weekend that the flight 370 jet went missing, it was a tragic parallel. It was sad to see someone who always laughed and joked to become quieted and stop smiling. That hurt me a lot. She had some good days here and there, her last good day out and about was on 5/17 for her brother's 50th birthday. I can't even look at the pictures from that day. I called an ambulance for her on 5/22 and that was the last time she was in our home. I figured she may have rallied and made a comeback of sorts, but the cancer was too far advanced.

Hold onto that. Okay, I will stop rambling in your thread, now. Be well and I wish you the best. :)


one day my father in law just looked at me and said
"ya know what I really want to do..I just want to shut the world out for awhile..close all the curtains, sit around in my bathrobe and watch John Wayne movies until I get sick of them"
I smiled..and said " sounds like a fine idea..why dont you do that"
and he just laughed in an exhausted kinda way that ended up coming out more like a sigh.."what would people think honey"

I said " Dad ..who gives a sh*t what people think anyhow"

so he did...for like a whole weekend..then on monday I saw him out walking the dog again :)

I find myself just letting things slide for the past few days, since I picked up her remains at the funeral homeon Friday. We will scatter her ashes as she wished, not sure exactly when. Hard to get that many people in one place at the same time. We may have to do it in 2 separate events. Today I will start setting small daily goals for myself and will be carrying them out.