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danap3681
06-22-2012, 12:58 PM
Was reflecting with my sister the other day about my dad and some of the things he would say we thought were funny and never got old.

When calling the house my dad would answer and when I asked where my mom was he would reply: "she went up the hens ass to see the egg factory" or "she went to take a sh*t in the hogs eater and now the hog has a belly ache"

Referred to sex as a man "dipping his wick" or "greasing his minnow"

If you were mad "what's the matter fat-ass did your corn dog fall of the stick"

And his little poem "Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a heater, everytime he turned around he'd burn his little peter".

His most famous reply when he was calling BS on you "awwww horse sh*t"

crupiea
06-22-2012, 01:02 PM
When my dad was mad at someone he would call them a horses ass. i always thought that hilarious for some reason.

djflex
06-22-2012, 01:04 PM
My parents always told me i would be fat if i continued to eat so much....thought it was funny cuz it happened

Dave76
06-22-2012, 01:46 PM
Me: Dad, it wasn't my fault. If...

Dad: If frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their butts when they hopped.

bodyhard
06-22-2012, 01:56 PM
My pops was nuts, he would call all of us Mamao, Bendejo, and Pato man I really miss that man!

One thing funny I remember about my moms, if we said we were hungry in Spanish though, it would go like this.

Pardon my horrible Spanish
Us: Ma, yo tengo ambre, Her: Levanta la pies chuba el deo mas grande y sacale sangre

Translation Ma I am hungry, her, Pick up your leg, suck on the biggest toe till you draw blood. But it all rhymes in Spanish :D

waldopepper
06-22-2012, 01:59 PM
Me: Do you know where my (whatever) is?
Dad: If your (whatever) was up your ass kicking footballs you'd know where it was!

Doesn't make much sense but always thought it was funny

BergMuscle
06-22-2012, 01:59 PM
My dad wasn't big on humor, but he did say some odd (and, to me, entertaining) things.
The first one that comes to mind is him referring to any scary movie, especially about ghosts and hauntings, as "a real spookeroo".
For some reason that still makes me smile.

erinlee01
06-22-2012, 02:11 PM
My dad used to call my boyfriends by the previous boyfriend's name. On purpose. Made funnier by the fact that I did not bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend and it was often months between one and the next.

john-t-b
06-22-2012, 03:33 PM
More from my mother than my father. She's german and a hard time pronouncing words sometimes....

Mom "wait 'til your father gets home." I heard that a lot but it wasn't funny.

Mom after we did someting we souldn't "You little sunamabitch come here"

Mom used the wooden spoon on us. She broke it off on my a$$ one day. "you broke my good spoon!!!!!!! Now you're gonna get it." As she was getting the plastic one.

My father had one really good one. My GF called one day. He answered the phone and she thought it was me.
GF "John?"
Dad "yea"
GF " i missed you last night."
Dad "yea"
GF "I was thinking about your touch and.."
Dad "I thik you want my son."
GF "sorry bye"
I got home and he said "i think you're in trouble with the GF"

Redstyx
06-22-2012, 03:37 PM
My dad used to say "Get outta my way jackass"

My mom would say things like "Shut the hell up before I smack you"

Jokes on them. One is dead and the other is lonely bitter old person waiting for the inevitable lung cancer to set in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

SP1966
06-22-2012, 03:39 PM
Mom after we did someting we souldn't "You little sunamabitch come here"


Mom had self esteem issues?

danap3681
06-22-2012, 03:43 PM
My mom would say things like "Shut the hell up before I smack you"



Sounds like something my mom would say "I'll slap you to sleep and then slap your for sleeping"

tobymax123
06-22-2012, 04:27 PM
My dad never used vulgar language or any cuss words whatsoever. Not even a "hell" or a "jackass" out of him. But there was one thing that always cracked me up when I was a kid... when the streets were icy and slick in the winter, he'd say "It's slicker than snot on glass." 'Cause, ya know, I was a kid, and snot was funny.

SP1966
06-22-2012, 04:30 PM
My father had a unique ability to mess up common sayings. One that comes to mind was at lunch with a couple other guys he responded to a statement by saying "Thats like the old saying, one in the hand is better than" and promptly got up to visit the buffet again. My wife has the same problem, she'll often say "Its like killing two sticks with one rock". Besides butchering the saying, isn't a stick already dead, otherwise it would be a branch, yes? :eek: Good thing she's perrty! :D

latebloomingmom
06-22-2012, 04:56 PM
my grandmother would always call my grandfather an old "horse's *ss'
my mother when she got angry would say:
" for cryin out loud" or "Judas Priest" mmmm pretty sure she did not mean the musical group.
oh I also heard " I will spank you so hard you wont be able to sit down for a week"
oh ya and for pouting I heard.." an elephant is gonna come along and sit on your lip"
or "your face is gonna freeze that way then how will you feel young lady?"
if I babbled on for too long without taking a breather then I was accused of having
"diarrhea of the mouth"

danap3681
06-22-2012, 06:18 PM
my grandmother would always call my grandfather an old "horse's *ss'
my mother when she got angry would say:
" for cryin out loud" or "Judas Priest" mmmm pretty sure she did not mean the musical group.
oh I also heard " I will spank you so hard you wont be able to sit down for a week"
oh ya and for pouting I heard.." an elephant is gonna come along and sit on your lip"
or "your face is gonna freeze that way then how will you feel young lady?"
if I babbled on for too long without taking a breather then I was accused of having
"diarrhea of the mouth"

LOL! My dad called my mom "lard ass". That still cracks me up when I think about it!!

Oceanside
06-22-2012, 06:52 PM
my mom and dad used to fart a lot !

I guess when you're raised during the depression it somehow grounds you and makes you more down to earth about those kind of things !

so-tex
06-22-2012, 07:36 PM
My dad and I did alot of things together. I remember when we would hunt birds, and I missed an easy shot, he would say "son, you coulldn't hit a bull's ass with a bass fiddle."

mslman71
06-22-2012, 07:39 PM
My dad, "horsepucky!!"

MiamiSpartan
06-22-2012, 08:32 PM
My Mom as we were heading out to a ball game in the car after we had our license: "Don't hit any little kids!"
WTF..??!
:)

billb7581
06-22-2012, 08:51 PM
whenever my sister or I would ask for a ride somewhere, my Dad would tell us to "use the 2 things hanging off your ass"

thoffland
06-22-2012, 10:23 PM
My dad used to say about most of my friends: "he could use a good swift kick in the pants!".

pvsampson
06-23-2012, 12:03 AM
If ever I asked my dad for a lift somewhere,he would usually say "P#ss in your boot and swim".

Or ask mum what was for dinner,"S#it on toast and p#ss in a bucket"

Good times!

paolo59
06-23-2012, 12:33 AM
My parents always told me i would be fat if i continued to eat so much....thought it was funny cuz it happened

lmao, and just what the hell are you going to do about it? :)

paolo59
06-23-2012, 12:56 AM
Honest to God, I don't remember a lot that they told me. All I knew is that they loved me, and the proof was in the discipline! I can remember telling my Mom, "You just beat me til' I cry." Her response: " I beat you until I think I've made an impression!" LMAO Dad was rough! Mom was even more! :) None of this bull****, "wait until your Daddy gets home!" Good folk, minds and hearts where they needed to be. Cost me a lot growing up! :) I wouldn't take the world and a king's ransom for that! They, unfortunately, don't make them like that anymore! :(

Parents, living, dead, sleeping, under dirt. Just stop and think! :) An incredible gift! Even if it came with some hard knocks. Your own can, and have, delt out some tough love, no? When it comes from those who love you, what a blessing. Much, much better than when the discipline eventually comes from the 'state,' who could give a rat's ass!

To all the little ****s out there, full of themselves and chomping at the bit to be, stop, look, listen. If you're blessed, then there's a word to the wise, always! Ha ha

I would wish upon everyone a pair of good parents! :) Even with all of their faults!

V-240
06-23-2012, 01:04 AM
Mine always said, "Be careful driving!" every time we left the house, even as adults! Our witty comeback was always, "Thanks! I was gonna hit that big tree on my way out, but now I guess I won't!" LOL, it was a running family gag after a while.

paolo59
06-23-2012, 01:10 AM
Mine always said, "Be careful driving!" every time we left the house, even as adults! Our witty comeback was always, "Thanks! I was gonna hit that big tree on my way out, but now I guess I won't!" LOL, it was a running family gag after a while.

We always said; "Careful is my middle name!" Ha ha Little did they know! God is gracious, no? Chock it up to something. We've lived through it! And now we're worried about 'younger folk!'



Pay back!!!! :)

paolo59
06-23-2012, 01:34 AM
My dad used to call my boyfriends by the previous boyfriend's name. On purpose. Made funnier by the fact that I did not bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend and it was often months between one and the next.

LMAO I think I like your Dad! God bless him. What wonderful, sweet, well thought out trouble! I can gaurantee that he knew just who the hell each and every one was! LOL

dungeonmistress
06-23-2012, 11:18 AM
More from my mother than my father. She's german and a hard time pronouncing words sometimes....

Mom "wait 'til your father gets home." I heard that a lot but it wasn't funny.

Mom after we did someting we souldn't "You little sunamabitch come here"

Mom used the wooden spoon on us. She broke it off on my a$$ one day. "you broke my good spoon!!!!!!! Now you're gonna get it." As she was getting the plastic one.

My father had one really good one. My GF called one day. He answered the phone and she thought it was me.
GF "John?"
Dad "yea"
GF " i missed you last night."
Dad "yea"
GF "I was thinking about your touch and.."
Dad "I thik you want my son."
GF "sorry bye"
I got home and he said "i think you're in trouble with the GF"

OMG my mother was German also. I think the wooden spoon beating is a German thing. She actually used many other household items to beat us, but wooden spoon was high on the list. Once she cracked me over the head with a baking sheet. Many years later I was at her house and heard a large "bang" coming from the oven. She says oh don't you remember that's the cookie sheet that I hit you with over your head, now when it gets hot it makes that noise when it springs up. D'oh.

SP1966
06-23-2012, 11:27 AM
OMG my mother was German also. I think the wooden spoon beating is a German thing. She actually used many other household items to beat us, but wooden spoon was high on the list. Once she cracked me over the head with a baking sheet. Many years later I was at her house and heard a large "bang" coming from the oven. She says oh don't you remember that's the cookie sheet that I hit you with over your head, now when it gets hot it makes that noise when it springs up. D'oh.

Wooden spoon, what a bunch of wusses your parents were. My Dad, he used the handle off one of my many broken hockey sticks!! That'll leave a mark! :D

Sami76
06-23-2012, 11:31 AM
my mom and dad used to fart a lot !

I guess when you're raised during the depression it somehow grounds you and makes you more down to earth about those kind of things !

My uncle would sit on his kids when they were young and fart on them. Farting is a source of cheap entertainment and torture all rolled into one.

Sami76
06-23-2012, 11:33 AM
Mine always said, "Be careful driving!" every time we left the house, even as adults! Our witty comeback was always, "Thanks! I was gonna hit that big tree on my way out, but now I guess I won't!" LOL, it was a running family gag after a while.

That's funny. :D We have similar jokes in my family, too.

Sami76
06-23-2012, 11:36 AM
My Mom as we were heading out to a ball game in the car after we had our license: "Don't hit any little kids!"
WTF..??!
:)

LOL. So big kids and adults were fair game? Now why do I picture you nicking some sweet little old grannie with your car and going, "Oh well, she doesn't count. Mama said." :D

dungeonmistress
06-23-2012, 11:41 AM
Wooden spoon, what a bunch of wusses your parents were. My Dad, he used the handle off one of my many broken hockey sticks!! That'll leave a mark! :D


wooden spoons, electrical cords, belt, shoes, vacuum cleaner poles, spatulas, cookie sheets...the list goes on. As a matter of fact my legs and such were covered with so many welts and bruises that the neighbor lady asked me what happened. :( So really, I got physical, emotional and psychological abuse all rolled up into one neatly packaged "mom and dad." If my parents had similar childhoods, it is a freaking cop out to use that as an excuse. As an adult you should know better. I recognized what my parents did to me wasn't normal and raised my daughter exactly opposite.

Lou1se
06-23-2012, 11:47 AM
My parents are Italian and came from very poor backgrounds, hungry and no education. They emigrated to Australia for a better life. Whenever we had a freak weather event or natural disaster my mum would say - "It's those Americans!! They had to go land on the moon!! They caused this whole mess!!"

Cracks me up! :D

SP1966
06-23-2012, 11:54 AM
wooden spoons, electrical cords, belt, shoes, vacuum cleaner poles, spatulas, cookie sheets...the list goes on. As a matter of fact my legs and such were covered with so many welts and bruises that the neighbor lady asked me what happened. :( So really, I got physical, emotional and psychological abuse all rolled up into one neatly packaged "mom and dad." If my parents had similar childhoods, it is a freaking cop out to use that as an excuse. As an adult you should know better. I recognized what my parents did to me wasn't normal and raised my daughter exactly opposite.

Ah, we're being serious here, I'm likely the wrong man for that job! :)

Sorry to read that. :(

dungeonmistress
06-23-2012, 12:21 PM
Ah, we're being serious here, I'm likely the wrong man for that job! :)

Sorry to read that. :(

Just trying to put my "childhood" into perspective lol. The "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality was in full swing back then, and my parents must have really believed in it; also wonder if being foreign had anything to do with it or if it was just their own upbringing in general. Corporal punishment aside, it was the psychological abuse that really did me in; the physical stuff hurts for awhile then it's done. The other abuse has staying power, unfortunately. Sometimes, looking back, I am surprised I am as well adjusted as I am. My brothers did not turn out as productive. While its easy to lay blame on parents and say well, you're an adult now, you should know better, take the bull by the horns and get on with life - sometimes the scars are so old and deep, covered by drug/alcohol abuse, that it's hard to escape the pattern. Hard, yet not impossible.

I now return you to the more light-hearted portion of this thread, sorry!

LisaSkinnoble
06-23-2012, 12:23 PM
When I did or said something dumb, my mother would say "Use your head for something more than a hat rack!"

And when she was surprised or wow-ed by something she would utter: "Well, holy good dyin' Nellie!" I don't know who Nelly was or what she was dying of, but I find myself saying the same thing from time to time.

And after a stroke had left my grandmother paralysed on one side, she'd say to my dad (jokingly of course) "You're not too old to get a good swift kick in the arse with a frozen boot!" lol...

SP1966
06-23-2012, 12:51 PM
Just trying to put my "childhood" into perspective lol. The "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality was in full swing back then, and my parents must have really believed in it; also wonder if being foreign had anything to do with it or if it was just their own upbringing in general. Corporal punishment aside, it was the psychological abuse that really did me in; the physical stuff hurts for awhile then it's done. The other abuse has staying power, unfortunately. Sometimes, looking back, I am surprised I am as well adjusted as I am. My brothers did not turn out as productive. While its easy to lay blame on parents and say well, you're an adult now, you should know better, take the bull by the horns and get on with life - sometimes the scars are so old and deep, covered by drug/alcohol abuse, that it's hard to escape the pattern. Hard, yet not impossible.

I now return you to the more light-hearted portion of this thread, sorry!

I agree with the bolded 100% and that is why todays time out generation are the brats that they are! To be spanked was to instill a little fear, an understanding that there are consequences for our actions. Today people are so afraid of a little physical punishment that it has flipped to psychological punishment which does not send the same message. A spanking was a very short term hurt, the psychological as you have said can last a lifetime.

I am thankful for the discipline of my parents. My oldest daughter who of course would always scream abuse now understands when looking at how her spoiled brat friends act now in the mid twenties that discipline has an important place in growing up.

kenhorse
06-23-2012, 02:58 PM
mom always used to say (when i would say i wish i was big) don't wish your life away you will be old before you know it. boy was she right

danap3681
06-23-2012, 03:03 PM
Thought of this one today... we were not bad kids by any means. Mom was strict so we were not able to go out & hang like most of our friends. My sister (twin) and I are 2 years younger than my brother so we fought CONSTANTLY. My mom would get angry & say "I don't know what in the world I did to deserve 3 kids like y'all". My brother would always reply "it must have been something good because we are such angels". Yeah right!

BrolicBrah
06-23-2012, 03:05 PM
I would ask my dad a question, the question could be anything like could we go somewhere or could you get me this and his anwser would always be: Someday.... I dont what day, but someday.

I actually thought someday came after wednesday at one point in my life.

Frnkd
06-23-2012, 03:06 PM
Both my parents are foreign nationals, Japan, and Philippines, consequently the common language was English. Or what seem to be English. Looking back I chuckle at how many times my mother had a difficult time not so much with r's, &l's, but wth h's., and my dad was with f's. and we were in the auto business.
remember the conversation:
mom: Check the Food
dad: to me- your mother said go check the pood
me: What?

latebloomingmom
06-23-2012, 03:09 PM
"someday young lady you are going to have children that act exactly like you.."
man, I hate it when mom is always right:)

danap3681
06-23-2012, 03:12 PM
"someday young lady you are going to have children that act exactly like you.."
man, I hate it when mom is always right:)

I always hated when she would say "young lady"... was said so sarcastically and like it was an ugly name!!! :) AHHH... I can hear her now.

latebloomingmom
06-23-2012, 03:16 PM
I always hated when she would say "young lady"... was said so sarcastically and like it was an ugly name!!! :) AHHH... I can hear her now.
haaahaaa
"young lady...cross you legs with that skirt on that is not how you sit like a lady"
"young lady...do not scrape your spoon against your teeth when you take a bite"
"young lady..stop that screaming like a banshee this instant..what will the neighbors think?"
"Young lady...do something with that hair you look like a street urchin."
"young lady..walk do not run.."
"young ladies do not use that kind of course and foul language...like one of the boys"
"young lady go back into the bathroom this instant and wash half of that make-up off
your face you look like a harlot"
"young lady if you cannot walk up and down the driveway in those heels with some
semblance of style and grace then you are not old enough yet to wear heels"

..do not speak with food in your mouth
do not bite your nails, pick your teeth in public, do not fidget and sit quietly.

danap3681
06-23-2012, 03:41 PM
My mom would threaten us within an inch of our lives when we were lucky enough to go to the grocery store with her... "you put your hands in your pockets & you better not touch ANYTHING!"

One of the worst ass whippings we got: She was taking a package to the UPS store. We were told not to get out of the car, which of course we did. So one of the trucks was backed up to the loading dock. Me, my sister & brother stand by the open door and are screaming "hello...hello... echo" because it was echoing in the truck. Then we move on to the "a*shole...a*shole...a*shole". Get back in the car before she comes out thinking we were safe. OH NO!!! She gets in the car & turns around & says "you better prepare to get your asses tore up when you get home. Everyone in that store heard y'all screaming "a*shole". We live like 1 mile from the store & immediately began crying. Last one out of the car is the first one in line to get your butt whipped!!! LOL!!!!

paolo59
06-23-2012, 04:13 PM
LOL You knew you were in deep doo-doo when Mom used your first, middle, and last name! :( She would ask; Would you like to make your bed? Would you like to set the table? etc. My response, no, I don't think so. Her retort; Let me rephrase that ~ You WOULD like to make your bed! I was forever being told what I 'would like to do.' And I quickly learned that I liked the 'doing' better than the repercussions! Ha ha

danap3681
06-23-2012, 04:16 PM
LOL You knew you were in deep doo-doo when Mom used your first, middle, and last name! :( She would ask; Would you like to make your bed? Would you like to set the table? etc. My response, no, I don't think so. Her retort; You WOULD like to make your bed! I was forever being told what I 'would like to do.' And I quickly learned that I liked the 'doing' better than the repercussions! Ha ha

Guess that is like "role call". 5 siblings and she would start with the eldest until she hit her intended targets name. LOL!

SP1966
06-23-2012, 04:53 PM
With my girls when I get pissed (or Pist as the older used to tell the wife I was gonna be) I cannot get their names right. LOL I've got a Jo Dee, Brittany, and a Stephanee, and yet when I'm angry they are all interchangeable. :rolleyes: On the bright side none of my ex girlfriends names have come up... ever! :D

danap3681
06-23-2012, 04:57 PM
On the bright side none of my ex girlfriends names have come up... ever! :D

For the best I am sure! Not quite sure why my mom included my 2 older sisters names. They never did anything wrong! I am quilty of doing the "Preston Scott" with my son!!! He knows he is in deep if I ever say that!

SP1966
06-23-2012, 05:06 PM
For the best I am sure! Not quite sure why my mom included my 2 older sisters names. They never did anything wrong! I am quilty of doing the "Preston Scott" with my son!!! He knows he is in deep if I ever say that!

Yeah, after twenty plus years together it wouldn't likely be seen as simply still having a good memory!

When the wife isn't angry with me I'm either Steve or she just talks, expecting me to know she's talking to me, the other 90% of the time I'm Stephen. :)

danap3681
06-23-2012, 05:10 PM
Yeah, after twenty plus years together it wouldn't likely be seen as simply still having a good memory!

When the wife isn't angry with me I'm either Steve or she just talks, expecting me to know she's talking to me, the other 90% of the time I'm Stephen. :)

Better than my hubs... he is "look retard" :)

SP1966
06-23-2012, 05:12 PM
Better than my hubs... he is "look retard" :)

Thats alright, I call the wife 'boobies', not that I objectify women or anything...

danap3681
06-23-2012, 05:14 PM
Thats alright, I call the wife 'boobies', not that I objectify women or anything...

LOL! Of course not!

litljay
06-23-2012, 06:12 PM
Oh god. Not my dad, but my best friend's dad had the best sayings.

"One p@ssy hair has more pull than 100 horses" (this still holds true :))
"It's colder than a witches tit in a brass bra...laying face down in the snow"
"It's hotter than a freshly f@cked fox in a firey forest"
"If your horny, put a rain coat on" (use a condom)

There's a ton more, I just have to remember them.

danap3681
06-23-2012, 06:14 PM
Oh god. Not my dad, but my best friend's dad had the best sayings.

"One p@ssy hair has more pull than 100 horses" (this still holds true :))
"It's colder than a witches tit in a brass bra...laying face down in the snow"
"It's hotter than a freshly f@cked fox in a firey forest"
"If your horny, put a rain coat on" (use a condom)

There's a ton more, I just have to remember them.

Colder than a witches tit doing push ups in a brass bra in the the snow.
Hotter than a whore in church.

LOL!

Simpy
06-23-2012, 06:32 PM
With my girls when I get pissed (or Pist as the older used to tell the wife I was gonna be) I cannot get their names right. LOL I've got a Jo Dee, Brittany, and a Stephanee, and yet when I'm angry they are all interchangeable. :rolleyes: On the bright side none of my ex girlfriends names have come up... ever! :DI always knew I was in trouble when my mother called me Phibby. That's my aunt's name. She still gets mad and calls me Phib or Phibby or when I've really fawked up Phibby Carol!

My mom had some funny things she used to say. She's a total and complete neat freak. She used to coach the family to "Think clean, dammit!" She also used to say, when I would come home and be upset because someone didn't like me or I didn't like someone, "You can't expect the whole world to like you, and you can't expect to like the whole world."

And, to add to the one's above, she'd always say, "I'm hotter than a 5 cent whore on a Saturday night."

SP1966
06-23-2012, 07:40 PM
And, to add to the one's above, she'd always say, "I'm hotter than a 5 cent whore on a Saturday night."

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr9lh5uL2A1qfdwsio1_500.gif

drudixon
06-23-2012, 09:15 PM
Mine was: "Son, if you keep doing that you're going to burn in hell"...

Kinda funny....

No, sorta scarring....

BRB going to drink some Draino. Thanks for the life changing thread...