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View Full Version : whats everyones thoughts on the ex spending time with your family?



stayfit2008
06-21-2012, 05:04 AM
I heve been separrated now for about two years. We have a beautiful soon to be 13yr who loves both sides of her family very much. Trying to get time to spend with my daughter is becoming a bit harder,..1. for the obvious reason she's becoming a teen :p but the most important reason 2. she is spendiong more time with her mother and my family than I am. Here is a heart felt message I sent my sister in hopes they can respect my wish in helping me strengthen my bond with my daughter Chloe:

I kept my ex's name out to post this here w out bashing anyone:

Hey sis . I've been thinking...I'd like to make a heart felt request of you and my family. I know you all have been spending time w my ex and our beautiful daughter. I thought I sorta understood this but after dwelling on it for a few weeks I came to realize even tho my family doesn't have I'll intentions, it's having a negative and distancing impact on my relationship w my daughter. I'll explain why...ever since mine and my ex separation I have been trying to restore my bond w Chloe. At first Chloe was ok and we did things like shop, play, sleep over and most of all visit the family. This relationship has become harder to build ever since my ex took Chloe to a psychologist and the psychologist advised Chloe she doesn't have to spend overnight visits w me until she feels comfortable. Also i have been fighting w Kim trying to get time to spend w Chloe. I proposed certain days of the week and weekend which my ex vehemently opposed to. I feel sick to my stomach even considering going to a custody officer for a third party telling us when we can see out daughter. As you can imagine its been hell trying to find time to spend w Chloe when her time is consumed w her mom, her family and now w my family and her mom . Chloe spending time w my family is beautiful and i love the relationship she formed w her cousin shay but w my ex involved chloe is picking seeing my family w her mother instead of w me this is causing me to have even less time w chloe cause she is busy soending it w her mother and my family. I am reaching out to you. My sister in hopes that you can relate and understand how this is increasing the gap between me and Chloe. For example. I wanted to take Chloe to waldameer Friday but she already commited to spending it e Brooke shay and her mother

I will get in touch w Brooke and mom but I am also asking you to respect me on this and be a messenger for me ad well as an ally. I need you all to respect my request but most of all,..,I need my daughter and reluctant as she may feel...she needs her father.

I love you Sis and all my family. Please take this request in deep consideration. I promise to come around more WITH Chloe so she can continue to have a nurturing relationship w her family

Thank you sis

dazlittle
06-21-2012, 06:18 AM
I have two exes and two children with each (Yeah I know you would think I would learn the first time). I'm with you on this I wouldn't be stoked with my ex spending time with my family, but fortunately for me my family wouldn't want to spend time with either of my exes.

Hope it works out for you, My eldest daughter decided 4 years ago at 12 that she would like to come and live with me and my eldest son now lives on his own so I'm sorted with those two. My youngest two just live 10 minutes away so I have them over night 2 or 3 nights a week.

One thing I do know in all of this is that its best leaving the decisions to your kids, they come round in the end and I'm sure you will be there for your daughter when she needs you (Which she will).

All the best.

discdoggie
06-21-2012, 07:10 AM
I think it's awesome your ex gets along well enough with your family to spend time with them even though you are no longer together. You should be grateful. This can only benefit your daughter. It seems like you are the only one with the problem.

danap3681
06-21-2012, 07:14 AM
I think I understand what your post is about:


Somewhat similar situation with my brother and his ex. My eldest sister took care of my neice while they were married and had since she was a few months old. So my neice and sister have a strong bond of course. When my brother and his wife divorced he had every other weekend visitation and some time through the summer and holidays. His ex and my sister plan things together and my neice is actually allowed more time with my sister than my brother gets. When my brother would ask for her to be able to come over if his ex went out of town or something she would flat out refuse him but yet allow my sister to have my neice.

My sister saw nothing wrong with this and to this day she still does not. My other 4 siblings (including my brother) sat her down and tried to explain it is unfair for her to take up time that my brother could have with her. She still didn't get it! My brother and sister know rarely even speak because of this.

Your family should support you in spending time with your children not do things that take away from it.

I hope things work out. I know it is absolutely hard on you as I have seen the same thing happen to my brother. Best wishes. NOthing worse than a father who wants to spend as much time with his child as he can and nt being able to do so.

stayfit2008
06-21-2012, 07:52 AM
I think it's awesome your ex gets along well enough with your family to spend time with them even though you are no longer together. You should be grateful. This can only benefit your daughter. It seems like you are the only one with the problem.

Dont get me wrong,..I think we all should get along,..afterall we are going to be in our daughters life for the rest of ours. I have no problem attending functions and events but when it takes away from such minimal time I have to begin with my daughter its becoming an issue. Ya see I cant form a civil relationship with my ex. She just wont allow it. everytime I call to make plans with my daughter her time is consumed with her mother and her family,..now its being consumed with her mother and my family now. 95% of my attempts to spend time w my daughter are met with her mother denying me it. Im being left out of the picture. Now that is a problem

please read danap post,..should explain my situation.

Danap: " I think I understand what your post is about:


Somewhat similar situation with my brother and his ex. My eldest sister took care of my neice while they were married and had since she was a few months old. So my neice and sister have a strong bond of course. When my brother and his wife divorced he had every other weekend visitation and some time through the summer and holidays. His ex and my sister plan things together and my neice is actually allowed more time with my sister than my brother gets. When my brother would ask for her to be able to come over if his ex went out of town or something she would flat out refuse him but yet allow my sister to have my neice.

My sister saw nothing wrong with this and to this day she still does not. My other 4 siblings (including my brother) sat her down and tried to explain it is unfair for her to take up time that my brother could have with her. She still didn't get it! My brother and sister know rarely even speak because of this.

Your family should support you in spending time with your children not do things that take away from it.

I hope things work out. I know it is absolutely hard on you as I have seen the same thing happen to my brother. Best wishes. NOthing worse than a father who wants to spend as much time with his child as he can and nt being able to do so. "


I think I understand what your post is about:


Somewhat similar situation with my brother and his ex. My eldest sister took care of my neice while they were married and had since she was a few months old. So my neice and sister have a strong bond of course. When my brother and his wife divorced he had every other weekend visitation and some time through the summer and holidays. His ex and my sister plan things together and my neice is actually allowed more time with my sister than my brother gets. When my brother would ask for her to be able to come over if his ex went out of town or something she would flat out refuse him but yet allow my sister to have my neice.

My sister saw nothing wrong with this and to this day she still does not. My other 4 siblings (including my brother) sat her down and tried to explain it is unfair for her to take up time that my brother could have with her. She still didn't get it! My brother and sister know rarely even speak because of this.

Your family should support you in spending time with your children not do things that take away from it.

I hope things work out. I know it is absolutely hard on you as I have seen the same thing happen to my brother. Best wishes. NOthing worse than a father who wants to spend as much time with his child as he can and nt being able to do so.

Yes,..this is what Im trying to say,..tactfully. My ex. and her family bad talk me in front of our daughter, My own mother made me aware of this when they were going to dinner. I can only imagine the influences my daughter hears from her mother and her family. On top of this I cant have a civil relationship with my ex. she wont allow it. I am all for everyone getting along. But you got it when you said it takes time away I could e spending with my daughter. My time is constantly sbotaged by my ex. and her family. 95% of the time I call to spend time w my girl she tells me she has other plans with her mother and her side of the family,..now its with her mother and my side of the family as well. Thank you for understanding.

waldopepper
06-21-2012, 08:15 AM
I don't have an ex but I have really strong opinions about this because of what happened with my brother. My ex sister-in-law left my brother for a very shallow reason. Then that beotch had the nerve to try to maintain contact with my mom and dad as if nothing happened. That really pissed me off. She destroyed her family and screwed my brother over and she thinks she has a right to continue that relationship?!? Phunk that. Blood is thicker than water - out of respect for you your sister needs to tell your ex to take a hike.

discdoggie
06-21-2012, 08:25 AM
95% of my attempts to spend time w my daughter are met with her mother denying me it. Im being left out of the picture. Now that is a problem

.


Well, you could have it enforced, I suppose. Do you have joint custody? What is the legal agreement/arragement? Why do you have to go through your sister to make the request? Can you not talk to your ex? Going through your sister may make it feel like (to them) like you're trying to drive a wedge between them, when they obviously been working very hard to keep the relationship they have happy and intact.

Phunk that. Blood is thicker than water - out of respect for you your sister needs to tell your ex to take a hike.

Yeah, that will do a wonder of good for the child. :rolleyes:


Hello. We're the growunups here. We are supposed to put our hurt, anger, and bitterness aside for the sake of the children. It is in their best interest to see all family---immediate and extended---living in love and harmony.

stayfit2008
06-21-2012, 08:40 AM
Well, you could have it enforced, I suppose. Do you have joint custody? What is the legal agreement/arragement? Why do you have to go through your sister to make the request? Can you not talk to your ex? Going through your sister may make it feel like (to them) like you're trying to drive a wedge between them, when they obviously been working very hard to keep the relationship they have happy and intact.




Oh yes. I do see your point based on the limited info I've given and speculations. They don't have a close relationship. My ex never developed any real relationship w anyone in my family. They never did things together. I was the one bringing the family by. This is just happening since the past 6 months or so. The reason for it is my daughter absolutely loves my sisters grand daughter. My daughter asks her mom to take her to my family to see her often. The strain my ex puts on my relationship w my daughter affects our daughters view of me and chooses not to do these things w me. That's the key part here. "the manipulation and destruction my ex poses". There is no civil relationship no matter how hard I try. My ex will then trash talk me to others telling them I'm a terrible father who doesn't spend time w his child?!?

I don't think your getting the gist here but that's ok. I'm not looking for a borage of alies. Just a feel from others and some support. I don't know if you understand there are cruel people out there w sore motives. Those who know me in here know what kind of father I am. But to have it tainted and terribly affected by an ex is pretty ****ty

Thank you for your replies. Please ask questions if ya like. But try not to speculate in trying to tear up past relationships or do this out of spite and build wedges.

If they were good friends and had wonderful relationships I wouldn't be posting this to begin with

danap3681
06-21-2012, 08:49 AM
The strain my ex puts on my relationship w my daughter affects our daughters view of me and chooses not to do these things w me. That's the key part here. "the manipulation and destruction my ex poses". There is no civil relationship no matter how hard I try. My ex will then trash talk me to others telling them I'm a terrible father who doesn't spend time w his child?!?



The best thing you can do is what I told my brother to do. Call his daughter often and let her know that he DOES want to spend time with her whenever he can. The bad-mouthing between exes is just useless and what she doesn't realize is that one day your daughter will be old enough to realize and understand that you in fact reached out to see her and have better relationship with her and will remember all the negative things she said about you to try to make he not want to see you.

I was lucky when my husband and I separated... we never talked ill of the other in front of my son and we still had Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I love his family and they never felt anything but love for me during this time either. It is all about maturity and not being a vengeful person and say hurtful things about an ex. It is what it is... your relationship did not last but both of you are her parents and there is nothing that will EVER change that. I believe showing a child you can get along as people and parents during something like this speaks volumes.

Just keep trying and keep the door open for your daughter... she will see soon enough how much effort you have put forth!

stayfit2008
06-21-2012, 09:42 AM
I'll never stop trying to see her and call her everyday. Shell always know I've been there for her every day of her life :)

eazy57
06-21-2012, 09:46 AM
I get along great with my ex (now), but there is no way I'd want her around my family. She tried dropping a few hints when I went to pick up my son and I had my parents in the car.

I smiled and grinned at the time. But I knew it wasn't going to happen.

She's an ex for a reason. I'm in a new relationship. It's better this way.

stayfit2008
06-21-2012, 09:57 AM
I get along great with my ex (now), but there is no way I'd want her around my family. She tried dropping a few hints when I went to pick up my son and I had my parents in the car.

I smiled and grinned at the time. But I knew it wasn't going to happen.

She's an ex for a reason. I'm in a new relationship. It's better this way.


Thanks easy. You bring up another excellent point. I am in another relationship for the past year and a half. My daughter gets along great w my gf. But it seems a bit disrespectful that my ex wants to spend time w my family and my family accepting. Sorta puts my gf out in a way. My mother
Made the comment often that if she doesn't invite my ex along she would rarely see my daughter. So in a way she feels obligated to invite the ex over. This is tough and unfortunate for me to hear and makes me sad for my mother. My purpose in bringing this up w my family is in hopes they will assist me in our time together since my time is so limited otherwise.

Frnkd
06-21-2012, 11:49 AM
Im not sure why you seperated and in a way it is a factor, however your question regarding seeing your daughter and your family seemingly seeing her more than you made me think, like some of the other posters, of my brother who actually was not as close to his kids as you are, this was disconcerting to us. Anyway, a question arose when you mentioned that when you talk about plans with your daughter and she answers that there already are plans with your family or your ex on the days that you want to do something, seems you need to coordinate your plans with your ex too....that way she knows of your intentions and, like I say not sure how your relationship is, she can make sure that her plans dont interfere with yours and likewise....I mean don't judge her plans, infact respond to it with "if you give me an opend date, ill make plans to......" if it seems there are no open date for you to see your daughter. It puts you and her in control.....hopefully she is reasonable enough and responds positively.

"she always knows Ive been there for every day of her life" I hope you tell her and she acknowledges it.....sometimes assumptions based on our actions may not translate the way we want them to. You might want to just have a real father/daugther sit down talk on where she sees you in her life and how you can be part of hers.....whatever you may feel that is being talked about you by your ex or her family, what your daughter sees and feels dont have to validate it.

Danap has some good suggestions too.

Just some of my thoughts, having worked with adolescent kids who have had difficulties in their lives, the one thing that comes out is that important sit down talk with parent and child. You are her father not her peer, yet you can still be best friends.

latebloomingmom
06-21-2012, 01:06 PM
when my parents got divorced in the 70's my father's mother told my mom that she would always consider her a daughter and to bring the kids around as much as she could. My father's parents did not cut those ties just because my father ended the marriage. My mother understood that spending time with all our grandparents and aunts and uncles from both sides of the family was important.
My mother did not bad talk my father though. In fact, I did not even know the reasons for the divorce until I was 18 years old (dad had affair).
In your scenerio I understand that your parents and siblings love your daughter and want to continue their relationship with her. Yes?
I also understand that it is difficult for you to build a strong bond with your daughter if she is being fed biased or one-sided info from her mother daily. I think this happens in a lot of divorces, especially bitter ones. Unfortunately, you cannot control what comes out of your ex-wife's mouth. Your daughter is becoming a teenager and the wonderful thing about teenagers is that they learn to figure things out on their own..they learn how to reason and come up with their own opinions. If you continue to be the best dad you can be she will figure this out along the way.
I would advise you to get legal custody of your daughter and set visitation times.
Look I dont know the particulars of your divorce and its none of my business but if your daughter and your family believes the fault lies with you? then this building a relationship with your daughter may take some time to heal.

also, this a daughter...daddy's girl and daddys are not supposed to leave, daddys are supposed to the one person in a girl's life that she can always depend on and trust so when this does not turn out to be true..it is a hard thing for a young girl to deal with. mommies and daddies are supposed to love each other forever and ever and when this does not happen it can devastate a child, especially a girl who then carries this insecurity with her into her own adulthood..the fear becomes:
well, what happens to me then? what chance do I have of being in love forever if it failed for my own parents?
yes, she may get along great with your girlfriend but what chose does she really have? You are her daddy and the only one she will ever have so she will put a happy face on in front of your girlfriend if it is the only chance she has to see her dad.

just remember that your daughter did not have a choice in this...if so, I doubt she would have chosen for her parents to be divorced. I am not condeming you..please dont misunderstand me. I am just saying that this is by far, the hardest on her.

stayfit2008
06-21-2012, 02:01 PM
Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately I am dealing with a very bitter woman. She told me time and time again she'll make my life a living hell when it comes to our daughter. Well...she sure kept her end of the bargain. There is unfortunately no reasoning. Her parents preach the same. I am a dirt rotten bastard as told by both in front of our daughter on several occasions. I know my daughter loves me and wants me around. But the guilt she goes through on her mothers side is enormous. There have been times when Chloe stood up to them but not w out sacrifices and consequence. I'm hoping that if I make out time count w my family I'll at Least have that. I know some day shell come around. But in the meantime I'm losing so much time in the present now. And the fact that I'm a police officer I am faces w danger on a daily basis. So it's important and vital I have our relationship back,...yesterday!

danap3681
06-21-2012, 02:25 PM
Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately I am dealing with a very bitter woman. She told me time and time again she'll make my life a living hell when it comes to our daughter. Well...she sure kept her end of the bargain. There is unfortunately no reasoning. Her parents preach the same. I am a dirt rotten bastard as told by both in front of our daughter on several occasions. I know my daughter loves me and wants me around. But the guilt she goes through on her mothers side is enormous. There have been times when Chloe stood up to them but not w out sacrifices and consequence. I'm hoping that if I make out time count w my family I'll at Least have that. I know some day shell come around. But in the meantime I'm losing so much time in the present now. And the fact that I'm a police officer I am faces w danger on a daily basis. So it's important and vital I have our relationship back,...yesterday!


Damn shame when the child is used as a pawn. Just makes me sick! She doesn't realize it is hurting your child as much as losing time with her hurts you. I can stand biyatches like that. KARMA is all I can say!

I know women who think just because they spit out a baby they have the right to dictate every aspect of the childs life. They use the kids against the man because they feel they will always have a hold on him in some way because of it! It is called move on and let your child enjoy time with all of the family-both sides and both parents!

latebloomingmom
06-21-2012, 02:56 PM
Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately I am dealing with a very bitter woman. She told me time and time again she'll make my life a living hell when it comes to our daughter. Well...she sure kept her end of the bargain. There is unfortunately no reasoning. Her parents preach the same. I am a dirt rotten bastard as told by both in front of our daughter on several occasions. I know my daughter loves me and wants me around. But the guilt she goes through on her mothers side is enormous. There have been times when Chloe stood up to them but not w out sacrifices and consequence. I'm hoping that if I make out time count w my family I'll at Least have that. I know some day shell come around. But in the meantime I'm losing so much time in the present now. And the fact that I'm a police officer I am faces w danger on a daily basis. So it's important and vital I have our relationship back,...yesterday!are you typing this on your phone? haahaa..unfortunately this puts your daughter right smack dab in the middle of the old tug-o-war. that's a tough place to be as a kid..forces her to choose sides and somebody always loses. most of the time, its her because she loves both of her parents. I think...yes you should sit down with your family and talk to them about this if you feel strongly about it. I also think you should keep in mind that she loves to see this baby and if it is her mother taking her there..well she cant drive herself yet now can she?

dnb
06-21-2012, 04:11 PM
stayfit, your wife has chosen to use your child as a weapon, pure and simple. Your best strategy was outlined above, never badmouth your ex, and keep in contact by phone, text, time together alone OR with your family, etc.

When your daughter says "mom says .... " about you simply address it as "your mom seems ot have a lot of anger with me, and I can't do anything about it. I wish she wouldn't make you the object of her anger. I think you're bright enough to know that no matter what your mom says, I love you."

If she ever questions why you are not together, just tell her to listen to how your mother speaks of you, and that is how you felt when married. you wish it weren't so and you could all be together.

Finally, if yo need to go to court, by all means go to court. If you allow your ex to have all the power, she will take it and use it as a weapon against you in court to deny your visitation by claiming you never try to visit anyway.

Frnkd
06-21-2012, 04:48 PM
Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately I am dealing with a very bitter woman. She told me time and time again she'll make my life a living hell when it comes to our daughter. Well...she sure kept her end of the bargain. There is unfortunately no reasoning. Her parents preach the same. I am a dirt rotten bastard as told by both in front of our daughter on several occasions. I know my daughter loves me and wants me around. But the guilt she goes through on her mothers side is enormous. There have been times when Chloe stood up to them but not w out sacrifices and consequence. I'm hoping that if I make out time count w my family I'll at Least have that. I know some day shell come around. But in the meantime I'm losing so much time in the present now. And the fact that I'm a police officer I am faces w danger on a daily basis. So it's important and vital I have our relationship back,...yesterday!

^^^knowing this, forget what I said. She will take every opportunity to make your life a"living hell"?, and it seems use your daughter as part of it......unfortunately, for your daughters sake, it maybe better to ensure that your love for her is always and forever, and you may have to bite the bullet and let her understand that you will always be there when she needs you. More importantly she should not feel bad about not being able to visit etc., free her from being part of this game that she unfortunately is forced to be a part of.

Once that is removed your ex will no longer have her and you under her control. When your daughter hits 18 its adios, and from than on you rebuild your relationship untethered by hate, and resentment of your ex. doesnt mean you cannot talk or support her in the mean time, you're not abandoning her....you may have to come to the realization that your emotions may have to take a back seat to hers(your daughter) when it comes to who will be more effected by this event in both of your lives.

hard reality to face but, something to think about.

LisaSkinnoble
06-21-2012, 05:52 PM
This site might be helpful to you and to your ex. I'm not sure if it's tailored to your specific issues. You can send the link anonomously. Co-parenting is always the best solution.

http://www.bonusfamilies.com/

pvsampson
06-21-2012, 06:18 PM
Hang in there OP.

My family have nothing to do with my ex,and for that matter neither do hers. Absolutely nothing.But,I am in regular contact with her family and they have contact with my girls.I have no problem with that as the girls need to know their aunties,uncles and cousins and grandparents.They are alright people and have been nothing but friendly toward me.

OP,I hope you start to get to spend more time with your daughter.

erinlee01
06-22-2012, 05:34 AM
I didn't read through the entire thread, but you shouldn't have to "try" to spend time with you daughter. If you don't have a visitation schedule laid out in a custody agreement, you need one.

stayfit2008
06-22-2012, 05:46 AM
I understand the custody agreement,..But my ex knows I despise a third party dictating our visitation schedule,..its so pathetic and juvenile to have to go that route,..I just want to handle it maturely between us parents. And the fact that she is almost thrteen im afraid she is going to despise me for doing that?

erinlee01
06-22-2012, 06:49 AM
Clearly your ex is not mature if she is making it difficult for you to see her, so unfortunately it's your only choice. Your daughter is still a kid and really doesn't have a choice in the matter. I can tell you that both my kids went through a phase where they would complain when it was their night with me and would ask to go to their dad's (dad was living in a 1-br apartment, no responsibilities, etc. so it was fun time all the time there). Just told them they had no choice and that stopped pretty quick.

If the reason that your daughter doesn't want to spend time with you is because of what her mother is saying about her, then that needs to be addressed. If she is still seeing the psychologist, I'd make an appointment to see her (a good psychologist would want to hear both sides of the story anyways). If she's not, I'd make an appointment for all 3 of you.

latebloomingmom
06-22-2012, 07:10 AM
Clearly your ex is not mature if she is making it difficult for you to see her, so unfortunately it's your only choice. Your daughter is still a kid and really doesn't have a choice in the matter. I can tell you that both my kids went through a phase where they would complain when it was their night with me and would ask to go to their dad's (dad was living in a 1-br apartment, no responsibilities, etc. so it was fun time all the time there). Just told them they had no choice and that stopped pretty quick.

If the reason that your daughter doesn't want to spend time with you is because of what her mother is saying about her, then that needs to be addressed. If she is still seeing the psychologist, I'd make an appointment to see her (a good psychologist would want to hear both sides of the story anyways). If she's not, I'd make an appointment for all 3 of you.^^^^^fantastic advice Erin. I wholeheartedly agree:)

Firminator4
06-22-2012, 07:36 AM
Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately I am dealing with a very bitter woman. She told me time and time again she'll make my life a living hell when it comes to our daughter. Well...she sure kept her end of the bargain. There is unfortunately no reasoning. Her parents preach the same. I am a dirt rotten bastard as told by both in front of our daughter on several occasions. I know my daughter loves me and wants me around. But the guilt she goes through on her mothers side is enormous. There have been times when Chloe stood up to them but not w out sacrifices and consequence. I'm hoping that if I make out time count w my family I'll at Least have that. I know some day shell come around. But in the meantime I'm losing so much time in the present now. And the fact that I'm a police officer I am faces w danger on a daily basis. So it's important and vital I have our relationship back,...yesterday!

I've seen children used as a way to strike back at an ex. The way you describe this she is not only using your daughter as a payback weapon but is using your family as one too. It's like "You didn't want me around anymore but our daughter and even your entire family still do. So it looks like you are the odd man out here buddy - sucks to be you". Hopefully your family will see that they are being played and will take a step back. They need to include you when they spend time with your daughter - not your ex. This is also a way to make sure anyone you ever have a relationship with doesn't get near your daughter and your family too. Very manipulative - IMHO. Good Luck turning this thing around - it sounds ugly!

stayfit2008
06-22-2012, 07:57 AM
Great advice from everyone here and from the other sources as well. All tell me to get the custody arrangement going,..this is next on my list,..thnaks so much!

danap3681
06-22-2012, 08:05 AM
Finally, if yo need to go to court, by all means go to court. If you allow your ex to have all the power, she will take it and use it as a weapon against you in court to deny your visitation by claiming you never try to visit anyway.

And by all means... I would keep up with a journal of some sort with dates and conversations of when you have attempted to see your daughter. Could come in handy if she does indeed claim you never tried to see her.

discdoggie
06-22-2012, 10:45 AM
I think it would be very interesting to hear the ex's side of the story on this one. There's always another side; always another perception of the way things are going down.


Regardless, if you're no longer living together as a family, a legal support and visitation order is always a good idea. My estranged spouse and I have (so far!) managed to make things work quite nicely without any actions from the courts, but your situation seems to need a neutral party to set down the rules.



Good luck to you.

oldskooler
06-22-2012, 11:04 AM
Tough situation op. Had a brother go through similar (using children as a pawns). Sad truth is that you probably need to talk to a lawyer and go to court to set up visitation/custody.

pvsampson
06-22-2012, 03:57 PM
And by all means... I would keep up with a journal of some sort with dates and conversations of when you have attempted to see your daughter. Could come in handy if she does indeed claim you never tried to see her.

^^^^THIS!! I have kept a record of every single interaction with my ex.It has come in very handy to counter her lies and accusations.

A phone is a very handy recording device,then put it in a journal/diary,word for word.

MiamiSpartan
06-22-2012, 07:39 PM
I think it's awesome your ex gets along well enough with your family to spend time with them even though you are no longer together. You should be grateful. This can only benefit your daughter. It seems like you are the only one with the problem.

This. It is GREAT for your daughter if you all still get along..!

MiamiSpartan
06-22-2012, 07:41 PM
One of my closest friends is my partner's ex..
Go figure.
;)

discdoggie
06-23-2012, 06:07 AM
This. It is GREAT for your daughter if you all still get along..!


Right!


But see, many of the replies are from newer members who don't know the OP's posting and thread starting history. He has a solid history of publicly demonizing his exes. Done it at least two occasions I can recall. And not THIS ex but yet another ex. So OP is either the unluckiest dude in the world and he just has the misfortune of every woman he gets invovled with turning out to be an evil witch

OR

we are only hearing his side of the story.


I vote scenario #2. :)

KimberleyRN
06-23-2012, 08:00 AM
In your first post you wrote:
I have been trying to restore my bond w Chloe. At first Chloe was ok and we did things like shop, play, sleep over and most of all visit the family. This relationship has become harder to build ever since my ex took Chloe to a psychologist and the psychologist advised Chloe she doesn't have to spend overnight visits w me until she feels comfortable.

There are things here that are not being said, as there always is when we tell 'our side'. The truth is a triangle 'My side, your side, and the truth between.'

In any event, you need a solid schedule for younger children... this is a 13 year old girl who can determine what she feels is enough. Guidelines set up by a family mediator (perhaps the psychologist) would be a good start.

If you were my friend, I would strongly suggest that you undergo counseling sessions individually and WITH your daughter. Also, I would suggest getting in a GROUP with her such as a family BBQ or other gathering for visitations. I would NOT encourage you to spend time alone with her. The wording the psychologist used is a red flag and could come back later to morph into something very ugly.

Your daughter told the psychologist SOMETHING... you would be well advised to make certain there is no window for future allegations.

JPN42
06-23-2012, 09:48 PM
ex's deal with kids made. family needs to be disconnected.

ex's have no role in your family anymore. that's how they need to be treated although few cannot oblige which fuks up the situation. draw a hard line and don't deviate.