Boyfriend trouble...HELP!!!!

jessicautvol · 10-09-2006, 09:15 PM

I have been dating this guy now for 4 months and we just moved in together...well I moved into his house. Me and my 3 year old son. He is a great man, but lately he has been drinking....A LOT!!!!! During the day he is an amazing person but at night when he drinks he becomes an ******* and always passes out on the couch or chair or something. I really care for him and love him more than anyone I have ever loved but this is really starting to wear on my nerves. His friend said he has had a drinking problem for a while, but it subdued some when we started dating.
He is also dowing himself a lot lately. Not only does it get on my nervous, I kind of feel bad for him. He has put on 15 pounds in the past 2 months and has lost some of his personality. I try to get him to go to the gym with me, I know he would feel better, but he rather sit at home and watch football and drink.
WHAT SHOULD I DO????????????????????.

Oh yeah, and tonight while he is past out in the chair, I poured all the vodka and beer down the sink. He is probably going to chew my head in the morning.

txssweetie · 10-10-2006, 12:02 AM

Quite obvious. Leave him. You barely even know the guy if you've only been dating him for 4 months. He probably quit drinking at the beginning of your relationship because he didn't want you to think badly of him but now that he's been around you, he's going to want to be himself--an alcoholic.
Get out of the relationship for your own sake and your son's. He doesn't need to be around that at such a young age.

thedisneydad · 10-10-2006, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by txssweetie

Quite obvious. Leave him. You barely even know the guy if you've only been dating him for 4 months. He probably quit drinking at the beginning of your relationship because he didn't want you to think badly of him but now that he's been around you, he's going to want to be himself--an alcoholic.
Get out of the relationship for your own sake and your son's. He doesn't need to be around that at such a young age.

word.

tylerrico · 10-10-2006, 12:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by txssweetie

Quite obvious. Leave him. You barely even know the guy if you've only been dating him for 4 months. He probably quit drinking at the beginning of your relationship because he didn't want you to think badly of him but now that he's been around you, he's going to want to be himself--an alcoholic.
Get out of the relationship for your own sake and your son's. He doesn't need to be around that at such a young age.

exacto! especially for the kid, and the risk of abuse, etc.

empresscat · 10-10-2006, 05:27 AM

Yes, I know it's hard because you do care about him - but a man like this will not change as long as you are with him. Not only do you need to leave - because the risk of abuse (even if he never touches you, emotional abuse is VERY real and VERY damaging) - you need to cut him off completely. Think of him as a poison, one that tasted sweet at first but which will get more and more toxic every time you interact.

I have experience with this kind of situation, feel free to PM me for more info or advice.

jessicautvol · 10-10-2006, 06:01 AM

Ok, if I leave, I have kind of screwed myself over there//// When I moved in with him 3 weeks ago, my friend and her now ex boyfriend broke up and he kicked her and his 1 year old out. So I let them move into my apartment cause I still have 4 months left on my lease. So where am I going to move? I would hate to ask her and her son to leave cause I need my apartment and all my furniture back.

Amris · 10-10-2006, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessicautvol

Ok, if I leave, I have kind of screwed myself over there//// When I moved in with him 3 weeks ago, my friend and her now ex boyfriend broke up and he kicked her and his 1 year old out. So I let them move into my apartment cause I still have 4 months left on my lease. So where am I going to move? I would hate to ask her and her son to leave cause I need my apartment and all my furniture back.

Move in with them.

Get out now, find a way. MAKE a way.

You and her and your kids will just have to make it work. She should know well why you have to do this, she just had to do it.

This man will only get worse. BELIEVE YOU ME, HE WILL ONLY GET WORSE, and you can NOT afford to be with an alcoholic WITH A CHILD!

If you cannnot possibly leave for yourself, DO IT FOR YOUR KID, because abuse will not be long off from where you're at now.

I mean it. Take this ABSOLUTELY SERIOUSLY. Get out, whatever it takes, no matter what you have to do. You AND YOUR CHILD are safer at a women's shelter than you are with that man.

I hope to GOD that I scared you. YOU SHOULD BE SCARED.

frazanata · 10-10-2006, 07:13 AM

its true~ if you see this happening this early in the relationship what do you think is going to happen, and i am sure your friend that you let move in will understand, i mean her ex did kick her and her son out right?

i can vouch for living with an alcoholic, i mean it wasnt my spouse but it was my mother and honestly you shouldnt be putting your child in that situation, its not fair. especially if this man does ever decide to become violent, would you really want chance of anything happening to your son?

i know its tough when you love someone, but you need to do what is in yor heart.. there was a reason why you posted.....

i wish you the best of luck and whatever decision you make i am sure you will make the right decision, and if you ever need anyone to talk to we are all here to listen~

FOXXIE · 10-10-2006, 07:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessicautvol

I have been dating this guy now for 4 months and we just moved in together...well I moved into his house. Me and my 3 year old son. He is a great man, but lately he has been drinking....A LOT!!!!! During the day he is an amazing person but at night when he drinks he becomes an ******* and always passes out on the couch or chair or something. I really care for him and love him more than anyone I have ever loved but this is really starting to wear on my nerves. His friend said he has had a drinking problem for a while, but it subdued some when we started dating.
He is also dowing himself a lot lately. Not only does it get on my nervous, I kind of feel bad for him. He has put on 15 pounds in the past 2 months and has lost some of his personality. I try to get him to go to the gym with me, I know he would feel better, but he rather sit at home and watch football and drink.
WHAT SHOULD I DO????????????????????.

Oh yeah, and tonight while he is past out in the chair, I poured all the vodka and beer down the sink. He is probably going to chew my head in the morning.

Pouring the vodka and beer down the sink won't help. He would just buy another one. It's really up to him to change his bad habit. Possibly he need some rehab for his alcoholic addiction. If he's not willing to get some help well you eitheir stick with him or leave him while he get his alcoholic addiction fix.

You dont want to stay with a guy who have alcohol problem wouldn't you... there's a chance that he would hit you or your daughter when he's drunk or act something that he would regret later because he's under the influence of alcohol. ( LIke what you mention he act like ****** at night.) Well girl you need to talk to him and let him know that if he doesn't get help or stop his bad habit you might have to leave him.

Good Luck, I hope he gets help!

Amris · 10-10-2006, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PsnIvy

Well girl you need to talk to him and let him know that if he doesn't get help or stop his bad habit you might have to leave him.

Good Luck, I hope he gets help!

Please don't do that. Talking to him will NOT HELP, and will only piss him off and make him determined to prevent you from getting out.

Please, please, for the love of god, do NOT tell him you are leaving, just leave. Do NOT tell him he has a problem, etc.

JUST. GET. OUT.

Pouring the vodka down the sink won't help, AND NEITHER WILL TALKING TO HIM.

Please don't. Please, please, don't talk to him. You endanger yourself if you do.

FOXXIE · 10-10-2006, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amris

Please don't do that. Talking to him will NOT HELP, and will only piss him off and make him determined to prevent you from getting out.

Please, please, for the love of god, do NOT tell him you are leaving, just leave. Do NOT tell him he has a problem, etc.

JUST. GET. OUT.

Pouring the vodka down the sink won't help, AND NEITHER WILL TALKING TO HIM.

Please don't. Please, please, don't talk to him. You endanger yourself if you do.

Ok you listen to her not to me. lol

Amris · 10-10-2006, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PsnIvy

Ok you listen to her not to me. lol

I didn't mean it rudely, but the problem is, talking to them about it gives them:

A. A chance to retaliate
B. A chance to make promises (which are almost ALWAYS lies)
C. An excuse to become violent (you were abandoning me, what choice did I have?)

If she talks to him about it, he will convince her that he's going to change, or he will become violent. He will, indeed, NOT change, and his abuse will escalate. He will start going out of his way to ensure that she and her child are literally dependent upon him, so that she can't leave.

It's a very familiar cycle.

The only genuine hope she has is to tuck tail and run before he has her trapped.

jessicautvol · 10-10-2006, 08:21 AM

What makes it hard though is this morning, he was the wonderful sweet caring man I feel in love with. He was all happy and lovey dovey and was kissing and hugging me. He was playing with my son and fed him breakfeast and got him ready for daycare for me. That is what makes it hard.
I am meeting my friend for lunch today and her and I are going to talk about it. Maybe I can get my apartment complex to move me up to a 3 bedroom instead of a 2 and we won't be crowded. If I move out, then maybe he will realize he needs help without me telling him he does. I was talking to his friend this morning and he said he really cares for me and I am the first girl he has ever thought about marrying and if I left him he would be devastated. Well, maybe that is what he needs. I will let you all know how my lunch goes with my friend. I am supposed to go on vacation to the beach with the boyfriend next week and we are supposed to leave Saturday. What should I do about that? Just tell him and his friend to go without me and then I could move out while he is gone?????? P.S I didn't think a 29 year old could be an alcoholic. Shocked the hell out of me....

Amris · 10-10-2006, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessicautvol

What makes it hard though is this morning, he was the wonderful sweet caring man I feel in love with. He was all happy and lovey dovey and was kissing and hugging me. He was playing with my son and fed him breakfeast and got him ready for daycare for me. That is what makes it hard.

No, what makes it hard is that you love him. What makes it hard is that you want to believe that this loving person is the REAL him. What makes it hard is that you want the promise of this person- and you can't accept that the other part of him is JUST AS REAL.

Quote:

I am meeting my friend for lunch today and her and I are going to talk about it. Maybe I can get my apartment complex to move me up to a 3 bedroom instead of a 2 and we won't be crowded. If I move out, then maybe he will realize he needs help without me telling him he does. I was talking to his friend this morning and he said he really cares for me and I am the first girl he has ever thought about marrying and if I left him he would be devastated. Well, maybe that is what he needs.

Maybe so. Maybe he will never get it.

I'm sorry to sound so cruel, but right now, he's not your concern. Protecting yourself and your child is your concern. He might change, he might hit bottom, he might not. What matters is getting to safety.

Quote:

I will let you all know how my lunch goes with my friend. I am supposed to go on vacation to the beach with the boyfriend next week and we are supposed to leave Saturday. What should I do about that? Just tell him and his friend to go without me and then I could move out while he is gone??????

Do whatever you need to do. That sounds like a very good idea, if he'll go for it. Otherwise, you might have to move out extremely quickly while he's at work.

Quote:

P.S I didn't think a 29 year old could be an alcoholic. Shocked the hell out of me....

15 year olds can be alcoholics. It's a completely non-discriminatory disease. Age, race, gender. None of that matters.

www.al-anon.com THIS IS FOR YOU, NOT FOR HIM!

Alcoholics Anonymous = for alcoholics to recover from their disease

Al-Anon = for friends and families of alcholics to recover from the disease

I recommend that you go, regardless of whether you leave him or stay with him. In fact, I highly recommend that you go as soon as possible, and as many times as possible. I recommend that you KEEP going, even after you leave him.

There is a chance he may go into recovery. If you love him (as you obviously do), then getting yourself able to deal with the INSANITY of alcoholism in a SANE WAY will enable you to do the "right things" to be of assistance in HIS recovery- SHOULD HE DECIDE TO PURSUE IT.

BlondeAmazon · 10-10-2006, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessicautvol

What makes it hard though is this morning, he was the wonderful sweet caring man I feel in love with. He was all happy and lovey dovey and was kissing and hugging me. He was playing with my son and fed him breakfeast and got him ready for daycare for me. That is what makes it hard.
I?? P.S I didn't think a 29 year old could be an alcoholic. Shocked the hell out of me....

You should check into co-dependency and get treatment for yourself if you believe his morning after bull****- and a 12 year old can be an alcoholic- read up on it. Dont be a victim- take responsibility for yourself and your son. Listen to Armis- get out..

Tank2000 · 10-10-2006, 07:05 PM

Move out and never see this man again....

First, he is an alcoholic, he never learned how tpo properly cope with lif'e stress and he drinks to relive the stress.

He is a horrible role model for your son.

You don't love him, you love the security of having man who is willing to take in a woman and a child who is not their own, get over it. There are good men out there

An addict (yes an alocholic IS an addict and alcohol IS a drug) will alwas but the drug over you, their job , their family, your son...

Do the best thing you can and cut ties with this man

cbeck56 · 10-10-2006, 07:13 PM

Oh sweeite,

You need to bow out gracefully and before you baby gets too attached. You sound like a reasonably smart girl and you have a child involved. Keep the drinking away form that baby! I have been down and out before and it sucks so I get that! But those times of my life made me the strong woman I am today! I got through it and bounced back better and tougher! You can do this!

jessicautvol · 10-10-2006, 08:28 PM

Good thing, he is at work tonight so I can come to the house and get some stuff. I am going to stay at my apartment tonight, but I know what is going to happen....When he comes home, he is not going to see me here and he is going to call me....when he sees my phone is turned off, he is going to come the apartment....then what?????????????? Like I said, he isn't violent, not yet anyway, he will probably come over and act hurt and upset. How should I handle it when he comes over?????
Boy this is going to be an interesting night........

Amris · 10-11-2006, 06:31 AM

Don't answer the door any more than you would answer the phone.

This is the most dangerous time for you. Please be careful.

cbeck56 · 10-11-2006, 06:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessicautvol

Good thing, he is at work tonight so I can come to the house and get some stuff. I am going to stay at my apartment tonight, but I know what is going to happen....When he comes home, he is not going to see me here and he is going to call me....when he sees my phone is turned off, he is going to come the apartment....then what?????????????? Like I said, he isn't violent, not yet anyway, he will probably come over and act hurt and upset. How should I handle it when he comes over?????
Boy this is going to be an interesting night........

Please tell me you ar OK???? I work at a womens shelter sometimes and have seen some horrible stuff!!! Just a concerned fellow female!!!

Titania · 10-11-2006, 07:43 AM

Whew!! There is not much more that I can add here that others (especially Amris) have not already said.
I am VERY relieved to hear you have seen the light and not ended up trapped, SO FAR.
Whatever you do, stay strong and do not believe any of the bull**** he tells you (if he gets that far) about being "really sorry" and "loving you more than anything else".
If he does harass you, you should take that seriously and look into getting a restraining order. Otherwise, he could get nasty.
At least if you are not living with him, he cannot get nasty at you whenever he wants, which has already happened emotionally and will most likely have turned physical if you stayed.

Titania · 10-11-2006, 07:46 AM

One more question...what happened to get your reps in the red?

Amris · 10-11-2006, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titania

One more question...what happened to get your reps in the red?

I was curious about that, too. I haven't seen anything that was offensive from her so far.

Chopsui · 10-11-2006, 08:30 PM

Amris you are freaking stupid. Did you have some bad experience with an alcoholic or something? You dont even know the man who she is talking about and youre ranting and raving "ITS ALL LIES, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!". Don't abandon this guy just because some internet psycho-bitch tells you to. If he drinks, obviously he knows he likes to drink. Alcohol is a drug, it is addicting because it is avaliable anywhere, any time you want it. It is easy to get a case or bottle whenever you want. I'm sure he doesn't love getting drunk more than he loves you, so just tell him how you feel. There's nothing wrong with him getting drunk sometimes. Just let him know that you have a problem with the frequency he drinks. If he really does love alcohol that much, then he wont have a problem with you leaving him, but at least bring the problem to his attention and give him a choice instead of just leaving. He's probably used to drinking as much as he wants whenever, its the outlet he chose. Think it over before you decide to just leave him and hope he decides, hey this girl left me, maybe i should go to an alcohol support group!

Amris · 10-11-2006, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopsui

Amris you are freaking stupid.

Not as stupid as you are, by a long shot.

Titania · 10-11-2006, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amris

Not as stupid as you are, by a long shot.

LOL

These guys just don't get it through their thick skulls that if they come in here sprouting abuse, they will be banned with no warning!! That is the rules

Chopsui,
You have been given a free ticket to oblivion for a couple of weeks. Enjoy the weather!

empresscat · 10-11-2006, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopsui

Amris you are freaking stupid. Did you have some bad experience with an alcoholic or something? You dont even know the man who she is talking about and youre ranting and raving "ITS ALL LIES, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!". Don't abandon this guy just because some internet psycho-bitch tells you to. If he drinks, obviously he knows he likes to drink. Alcohol is a drug, it is addicting because it is avaliable anywhere, any time you want it. It is easy to get a case or bottle whenever you want. I'm sure he doesn't love getting drunk more than he loves you, so just tell him how you feel. There's nothing wrong with him getting drunk sometimes. Just let him know that you have a problem with the frequency he drinks. If he really does love alcohol that much, then he wont have a problem with you leaving him, but at least bring the problem to his attention and give him a choice instead of just leaving. He's probably used to drinking as much as he wants whenever, its the outlet he chose. Think it over before you decide to just leave him and hope he decides, hey this girl left me, maybe i should go to an alcohol support group!

Wow, yeah - you don't have a lot of experience dealing with alcoholics, do ya?

I do.
Amris is right. You are well-intentioned, but not correct.

Titania · 10-11-2006, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empresscat

Wow, yeah - you don't have a lot of experience dealing with alcoholics, do ya?

I do.
Amris is right. You are well-intentioned, but not correct.

...and well intentioned doesn't negate calling someone an 'internet psycho-bitch'. That, according to forum rules, is grounds for an immediate ban without warning!

empresscat · 10-12-2006, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titania

...and well intentioned doesn't negate calling someone an 'internet psycho-bitch'. That, according to forum rules, is grounds for an immediate ban without warning!

Agreed

Amris · 10-12-2006, 06:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empresscat

Wow, yeah - you don't have a lot of experience dealing with alcoholics, do ya?

I do.
Amris is right. You are well-intentioned, but not correct.

The real problem that I have with him is that the advice he is giving is so completely rooted in utter ignorance, and could very literally get this girl beaten to death.

This is a very serious, literally life or death issue. Trying to compare a literal alcoholic to someone who just "likes his drink" does nothing more than give someone false hope and cause them to open themselves up to what could be extreme danger.

Just because he hasn't been violent yet doesn't mean he won't be. When the woman leaves is often when the physical violence begins if it hasn't already.

His attempts to blow these truths off with "you must have been hurt by an alcoholic" are simple manipulation of the OP.

His comments of "I'm sure he doesn't love you more than he loves to drink" show a blanket, blatant, staggering lack of understanding of the DISEASE of alcoholism, to top it all off. He's right, the man doesn't love drink more than her... but he is still compelled by addiction to put it above and before her. He cannot control it without help any more than an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder person can help locking the door 5 times every night and washing their hands nonstop until they bleed.

Above all else, the problem is, again... his utter ignorance puts her in serious danger if she listens to him instead of to facts on the disease of alcoholism.