What's it all about??

[emmie]

I have been toying with the idea of starting my own journal - wanting a place where I can write about how I FEEL about my workouts, my diet, my body and how it all relates to the rest of my life. So I am doing it! I work out alone - at home, mostly - and I feel like I miss being able to bouce thought and ideas off of other people. I've always secretly wanted a training partner, but have never found the right situation. So my journal will be my partner - and I hope that people will feel welcome to pop in and comment/share.

At this point I am not going to post specifics about my workouts (amount of weights/routine, etc) nor specifics about my diet. I want to focus on my feelings about both - not the numbers. This may change, who knows?

Some random facts about me:

Name: Emma
Age: 36
Married: Gratefully, happily, yes.
Children: 2. Although they have 4 legs, are covered in fur, and use a litter box, my husband and I love them very much. . P.S. I hate kids.
Occupation: Full-time student. Part-time pastry chef. Making a career change...
Favorite food: Oatmeal. Always has been, every since childhood.
Favorite color: Lavender
Favorite smell: Bleach
Favorite place to be: My bed.
Second favorite place to be: The shower.

I had high hopes for today's workout - cardio only. Am enjoying the DOMS from Leg Day yesterday (my favorite) and I like the sensation of really being able to feel the muscles do their work. But *someone*, consciously, willingly, underate yesterday. Got scared by what she had been eating the days prior, and decided to "cut back a little". On Leg Day. Idiot...
Needless to say, I bonked during today's workout: shakey, cold sweat, heart pounding...had to purchase a sugar-y drink from the vending machine just so that I wouldn't feel like I would faint. I have not felt like that in a while. Used to feel that way all the time.
Message: Eat poorly =Work-out poorly.
I rely on my work-outs to allow me to feel good about myself. Makes me feel in control of my life. It gets me intro trouble sometimes. A bad workout can create a bad mood.
Will try again tomorrow. It's a work day. Weight work-out at home in the afternoon.

More another time.
- E

[Gibson Girl]

Hello Emmie,

You would love keeping a journal. The people in the forum are great and give good pointers. Writing in my journal everyday is what helps me to stay on target. As far as you, relying on your "work-outs to allow you to feel good about yourself" is not always good. Because there are days when I feel like I have not given it my all and there are other days where I know I put everything in my workout. I allow myself to be confident that I am making a difference. There is going to be days where you are not going to feel like working out or even going to the gym. You must remain determined and motivated that it is all about you.

Continue to stay focus and you will accomplish every one of your goals.

Best Wishes

[emunah]

GG has some nice thoughts.

Hi.

[emmie]

Thanks for stopping by, GG and emunah!

It has always been a struggle for me to not assign undue importance to my workouts. Some days are definitely better than others, for sure. I have relaxed considerably in my attitude about exercise: It used to be that my day - or days - would screech to a halt if I didn't have the sort of workout I *thought* I should be having. Now, if I miss a day, or have a lackluster session, I experience disappointment, but really try to focus on moving on...One ****ty workout really makes negligible difference in the grand scheme of things. I am learning - very slowly - to listen to my BODY, and not to the task-mistress in my head. In the past year I have droped my cardio down to a level that I never thought would be possible for a former 7 day-a-week, run 8 miles a day-compulsive exerciser. And I am much more happier, and much healthier for it.

GG, you nail it when you say "I allow myself to be confident that I am making a difference". That statement is a keeper, thanks!

- E.

[Gibson Girl]

I am glad to hear that you are getting things on track. Remember to take one day at a time. I will check back on your journal to see how things are going. I am so proud of you that you are happier and healthier. That is the KEY! Keep smiling

[2lean2Bmean]

hey...here you are.....congrates

the kid thing...LOL...mine has 4 legs and hairy as well
bleach....yum....although i thought i read BEACH...(so cal gal i am)

i actually work out alone too..., but in a room full o' people!...so the journal is definitly the place to bounce things around......and i see someone DID undereat the other day...dang...hate it when that happens....sounds like lesson learned though....

so glad you're here...

[emmie]

Hey 2 Lean - you found me! Yay!!!

I'm glad that your baby has paws and fur, too. Our "special needs" kids : chew toys, hairball treatments, flea medication...

As you've seen, it's easy for me to dish out the advice about boosting calories and not restricting...and not always easy for me to follow it myself.

I'm not trying to bulk. I'm trying to fuel my body adequately after years of underfueling it. Eat a number of calories that is appropriate and reasonable for someone like me. Resetting the metabolism, I suppose. I have been s-l-o-w-l-y- increasing my daily calories. And scrutinizing the mirror and the fit of my clothing for signs of pudge. (There have been none. In fact, things have "firmed up". Seems that way today, anyway. Never know how I'll feel about my body tomorrow ) It's like I am waiting for a fat gain so that I can say "Aha you stupid girl! See what happens when you eat TOO MUCH?!? You've let yourself get fat!! You've let yourself go!" It's that compulisive, self-abusive voice from my ED years which - although is much quieter - can still makes itself heard.

So far I'm on track with food today. I am remembering my lack of energy this morning, and I don't want a repeat performance tomorrow. We'll see how it goes...

- E.

[sixzebra]

hi emmie, welcome to journalling. i too have a small herd of 4-legged kids (3 min-schnauzers). have fun in here and good luck with all your goals

[2lean2Bmean]

Originally Posted by emmie

I'm not trying to bulk. I'm trying to fuel my body adequately after years of underfueling it. Eat a number of calories that is appropriate and reasonable for someone like me. Resetting the metabolism, I suppose. I have been s-l-o-w-l-y- increasing my daily calories. And scrutinizing the mirror and the fit of my clothing for signs of pudge. (There have been none. In fact, things have "firmed up". Seems that way today, anyway. Never know how I'll feel about my body tomorrow ) It's like I am waiting for a fat gain so that I can say "Aha you stupid girl! See what happens when you eat TOO MUCH?!? You've let yourself get fat!! You've let yourself go!" It's that compulisive, self-abusive voice from my ED years which - although is much quieter - can still makes itself heard.

wow...very well put....i do exactly the same thing....i'll be sitting watching TV and all the sudden i have to get up and try my jeans on and see if they still fit...(mind you, they were $400) i'm scared to lose a whole wardrobe!...and yes...the voice is much quieter BUT...it's still there damn it!....i know the gradual tranformation will be great so i'm sticking to it...i did put on the 1st 10lbs quite quickly and that was scarey..maybe that's why i'm going so slow now....and your mantra 'face the fear' holds very true...

[emmie]

Thanks for validating that, 2 Lean! I'm glad that I'm not alone in anxiety about clothes not fitting, etc. I am also pinching myself and grabbing at my hips to feel if there is suddenly huge amounts of blubber that were not there a few days ago. You know, I am an intelligent, mature woman and yet this is the stuff I do??? *sigh* At least I can laugh at it now.

About 8 months ago I got rid of 4 pairs of pants that I had outgrown. They were my ED jeans and I had been so (sickly) proud that I had been able to wear the same jeans for more than 10 years without their fit changing. It was actually very liberating to get rid of them and not have them lying around reminding me of how my body has changed (let's be honest - changed for the BETTER). But I'll tell you, it was a very anxious moment about a week ago when I pulled on the jeans that I had not worn all summer...and they fit. And they looked better. Note to myself: jeans look better when you have a butt to fill them out.
$400 jeans? Honey, you're taking those to a seamstress when the squats and lunges "pay off"!
Off to bed very soon - the alarm goes off at 2:30.
- E.

[emmie]

Originally Posted by sixzebra

hi emmie, welcome to journalling. i too have a small herd of 4-legged kids (3 min-schnauzers). have fun in here and good luck with all your goals

Sixzebra, thank you the nice welcome! And congratulations to you on your past competition wins - Very impressive and inspiring!

- E.

[2lean2Bmean]

someting to make you CRACK-UP AND LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!!!

i forgot, i took a pic of the 1st batch o muffins....man they are ugly!!!!!
i thought this might make you're day at work better just visualizing these blobs...i'm going to the store right now! to get more eggs and try again...

actually they do taste good...beleive it or not...hee hee hee....Xj

[2lean2Bmean]

you know being the food stylist i claim to be, i just had to redeem myself.....i believe these turned out quite a bit better....the key to 'no-stick' was the tin muffin cups sprayed then floured.......batch made 16 muffins.....8g pro. 5g carb. and 56cals....i think i'll eat 4 right now.....

[bbcom_developer]

Originally Posted by emmie

I have been toying with the idea of starting my own journal - wanting a place where I can write about how I FEEL about my workouts, my diet, my body and how it all relates to the rest of my life.

Wow, this sounds like a perfect job for your BodyBlog (part of your BodySpace profile)!

[emmie]

Wow, 2 Lean, the "ugly ducking" muffins turned into swans! I DID laugh out loud at the first batch. I'm kind of speechless, actually...they look, well, um, to tell you the truth, I have never seen ANYTHING like that in my professional career. That's not to say I haven't made some scary-ugly looking things - I certainly have, more than I would like. But I hide the evidence ASAP. One of my pastry instructors' favorite saying was "pastry: the fine art of disgise."
Very true!
Glad the muffins tasted good, at least. That second batch looks delicious. What mixing method did you use?

[daYDreAmErX]

Welcome here

Happy to read your journal, I'll keep following !

[emmie]

Just finished my workout and I'm sipping my whey and sitting with an ice pack against my right middle lat.

In the most recent episode of my on-going series "Great Feats in Human Stupidity", I once again managed to injure myself by being hasty and using poor body mechanics. I don't have a squat rack (it's on my wish list), so I use heavy DBs to do squats. On Wed. I was between sets, walking around, and I looked at the clock anad saw that I had about 5 seconds left in my 60 second rest to get myself set up and into position. I leaned over, reached down and simply grabbed the DB as if it were a 10, 20, or 30# DB. I didn't feel anything immediately except a "pull", but 2 or 3 squats into the set the ache set in, and it's been bothering me ever since. Managed to pull an intercostal at the same time, so it hurts to breathe deeply, too. And why did this happen?? Because I was so fixated on not going over the 60 second rest period ('cause that's cheating, right??). And this is far from being the first time I have injured myself.

This is kind of the core of one of the issues I want to work on. I get an idea in my head of what my body is going to do (or, what I am going to make my body do), and I don't pay attention to what my body is feeling or is capable of. Ex: shoulder is feeling a little weak/wobbly. Brain says I have to do another rep. "You did X number of reps last time, and you have to do at least that much today." I force myself to do the rep, and because I am wshakey, I am out of alignment and I injure myself such that I can't do ANY shoulder work for 2-3 weeks. For what?? For my ego? So I can write down X number of reps in my workout log that NO ONE sees or cares about? It's so stupid... But if I don't complete the # of reps, then I am disappointed with myself - it's almost as if the entire workout is ruined. This is such a counterproductive, useless way of approaching training. Need to work on this. I'm not getting any younger and my body wont continue to be as forgiving as it has been in the past...

So obviously I am not too happy about the injury, but despite that I had a good workout. I was able - injury fresh in my mind - to be more mindful of how my body felt, and that meant dropping the weight on 2 exercises, and dropping the reps on 1. I feel energized and satisfied.

Food has been o.k. so far today. I was at work, surrounded by sugar and butter and white flour. Ate the meals I brought with me and engaged in mininmal mindless snacking/tasting. Will stay on track the rest of the evening, I hope. We're having renovations done on the house and my builders are in and out - I hope they leave soon. I hate eating in front of people and having them say "hey, what's that you're eating? raw zucchini???"

- E.

[yogini]

Originally Posted by 2lean2Bmean

you know being the food stylist i claim to be, i just had to redeem myself.....i believe these turned out quite a bit better....the key to 'no-stick' was the tin muffin cups sprayed then floured.......batch made 16 muffins.....8g pro. 5g carb. and 56cals....i think i'll eat 4 right now.....

hahaha, those look really good 2lean! hmmm, actually, the first one didn't look cosmetically perfect, but they still look damn yummy to me. It's not all about the looks, it's how they taste.... hmmm.. food time

[yogini]

Originally Posted by emmie

"You did X number of reps last time, and you have to do at least that much today." I force myself to do the rep, and because I am wshakey, I am out of alignment and I injure myself such that I can't do ANY shoulder work for 2-3 weeks. For what?? For my ego? So I can write down X number of reps in my workout log that NO ONE sees or cares about? It's so stupid...

I am so sorry to hear about your injury . It really sucks, I'm currently unable to do any shoulder work or tricep work because of my shoulder injury. At the time, the doctors are still figuring out what is the real problem with it. All I can do is to use ice patches. They take a while to heal. But I agree with you about the ego settling in, I always try to remind myself that I'm doing it for myself and nobody else. Hope you feel better soon!

Food has been o.k. so far today. I was at work, surrounded by sugar and butter and white flour.

It's the same situation at my workplace. It takes a lot of will to fight off that temptation, you seem to be doing great! keep up the good work!

[2lean2Bmean]

HEY EMMIE...

sorry to hear about that LAT...sounds like you came full circle and recognized the problem though (the competion with yourself)..that's a big one...how come your stuck on the 60sec rule?....i rest 60sec also, but if i go over or under i don't worry....not untill now...hmmmmm...i thought it is 60-90 sec that is a good rest period...then it jumps to 2min plus or drops to no rest-30sec for quiks sets(i forgot what that's called(speed set?).....anyways....don't take this wrong.....because i am one....are you a perfectionist as well?...that tends to get in my way quite often...so i'm learning to lighten up on myself...veeeeerry hard..kinda goes with the ED thing ya know?...at least that's me...gotta be perfect....well i can just about perfect myself to death!!!..and possibly you just perfect'd yourself to injury.......does that make sense?

about the muffins....i did what you said and didn't use the blender for the whole thing...no explosions....my next question, chef, is should i put a little applesauce in to moisten them up?..they could use a little sompthin'

hope the builders left...chat ya up later

[emmie]

Yogini - Thanks for stopping by and sharing you shoulder's tale of woe. I hope that you're on the mend soon! It is an exercise in patience when you have to accept that your body is hurt and needs rest...And yes, I do need to remind myself more frequently that I am doing this for MYSELF. I don't know who the psychotic task-mistress who's telling me to do X number of reps - or else, missy - thinks I'm doing it for...???

Hi 2 Lean - Perfectionist? Guilty as charged . The funny thing is that I *thought* that I had gotten a lot better about easing up on myself...I have, certainly, in many aspects but there is undoubtedly still plenty of room for improvement. Here's the irony: If I hear someone else beating themselves up for some perceived failure I'm the first one to advise them to be kind to themselves and look at the positive, etc. But I don't want to hear that crap when it comes to ME....it doesn't apply to ME...

Let me put on my chef's toque (no, I don't really wear one, thank god)...
Applesauce would be a good addition, but yoghurt would work well, too. Yoghurt - and buttermilk & sour cream for that matter - help to tenderize baked goods and keep them moist. I plan to try the recipe tomorrow. What did you use for sweetener?
I'm off to see what's going on in YOUR journal...

- E.

[2lean2Bmean]

thanks chef.....you might consider one of those moistenters when you make them and as for the sweetener....i shoulda used something...keep this in mind>>>they are almost the exact recipe as protein pancakes, sans the baking powder....so try to dress them up....i really wish i could try again BUT i've got alllllllllll these guys left to eat up....the good and the ugly.........i'm glad you're gonna try 'em bcuz i'm sure you'll come up with something great...don't forget about that sticking prob.....the spray and flour coat worked for me. let me know...

hope you're having a great weekend.... take care of that injured lat...

[2lean2Bmean]

hey em....do you have your PM turned off?...i was going to take all this muffin talk (and something else i forgot) to your PM, but it said you're not accepting.....i didn't want to gunk up your journal with 'just stuff'....gotta keep the focus on YOU.......right?

[emmie]

Originally Posted by 2lean2Bmean

hey em....do you have your PM turned off?...i was going to take all this muffin talk (and something else i forgot) to your PM, but it said you're not accepting.....i didn't want to gunk up your journal with 'just stuff'....gotta keep the focus on YOU.......right?

You can feel free to post anything you like in here - in keeping with my secret belief that it's ALL about me, ALL the time, even when it's not !
How do I turn on my PM? I don't recall ever turning it off. I'm not even sure I know what it is...

[2lean2Bmean]

good morning.....

is today a rest day for you?...should be concidering the lat thing...oh....get at those muffins cheffie....i wanna know how you make 'em....

PM is private messaging....i don't really know how you turn it off or on...go to FAQ at the top of the page then General Forum Usage....there's info in there about PM-ing...maybe someone in here would know how to turn it on as well.....i like it cuz it's nice to ask someone a "side-bar" question sometimes...that doesn't need to be a whole new thread etc....

[emmie]

A rest day today. Sundays always are, although on some Sunday mornings I go out for a long walk as soon as I wake up. I tell myself that this is just for pleasure, and it *sort of* is, but the thought that is also in my head is that I "making up" for one of the cardio workouts that I no longer do (since I've cut back). Anyhow, this morning I just didn't have it in me to go out walking. I slept poorly last night and woke up feeling very foggy. So I dyed my hair, ate a protein bar, and at at my desk and did school-related reading and math (!). My husband gets up much later (like 4-5 hour) than I do, so it's a great time for me to get school stuff done. We have very divergent schedules, my husband and I, and Sunday is the only day when we are both off from work/school. After he got up we hung out in the garden drinking our tea and plotting the next landscaping adventure. This afternoon we picked peaches at one of his co-worker's house (I've just finished blanching and peeling about 30# of peaches and am presently cooking them into jam . I used to do a lot of canning/preserving, and I miss it, so this has been fun for me.) He's taking a nap now, and when he gets up we'll do our usual listen-to-jazz-and-drink-a-glass-of-wine-and-eat-cheese Sunday evening thing. He'll then go on to cook his Sunday night treat-dinner (scallops tonight), and I'll probably eat some eggwhites for a change .

Tomorrow will be weights followed at a later point with some cardio. With school having started again, I am having to re-figure my workout schedule. It's a little stressful for me to do this, since I have a hard time with CHANGES.
I am a creature of habit and I get anxious and cranky when I have to change my routine. I have to remind myself that I have successfully made changes to my routine in the past, and that it can be pretty liberating to do something different. I don't know why I get so scared about things.

Got to get back to the peaches before they scorch!

-E.

[twinnett]

I am a very routine oriented person too, but it's good for you to change things up sometimes! Sounds like a nice, relaxing day!

[2lean2Bmean]

man i wish i had some of that...here's my address...hee hee hee

geez, that sounds so good and i bet you had fun doing it....i know what you mean about sneaking that "pleasure walk" in...i find that i walk the dog much more and more 'serious walks' on off days......sounds like a great day.

as for the change?....it might be uncomfortable for a sec., but i bet you'll end up putting more into it bcuz it's different....don't over-do it missy..watch the injury situation...stay focused on the task at hand...if you're changing your routine around and you're aprehensive about anything you don't want to try to pressure yourself to do what you were doing in your old routine...let yourself settle into it...time of day and what you've eaten etc.. will play a big part so don't forget to listen to your body......here's me telling you all this and i hate changes too...i'm so settled into workout in the early afternoon and i know that is gonna have to change.....i comend you on the school AND work AND workout...hopefully i will have the strength you have....

have a great evening w/hubby...Xj

[lafemmeforte]

Originally Posted by emmie

I slept poorly last night and woke up feeling very foggy. So I dyed my hair, ate a protein bar, and at at my desk and did school-related reading and math

ohsnap, we're like twins, except I cut instead of dyed my hair!

(sorry, it's a rest day so I'm a little bit hyper! )

[emmie]

Twinnett - Thanks for popping in! Change IS a good thing...it takes me a few days to realize it, though . We did have a relaxing day, and the weather was gorgeous...

Lafemme - There must have been some sort of "hair" vibe yeaterday morning! For once I did not spatter the entire bathroom with hair color - usually it's a pretty messy procedure. Thanks for stoppying by!

-E.