O/T: The JVA appreciation thread

[rockhuddy]

Here they are, all in one convenient, easy to read thread.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

Jon Von Auerbach: Rear Delt Situation
I'm usually not one to ask questions about exercises. I don't know if you've heard of me already, but my name is Jon Von Auerbach and I've been doing bodybuilding for 3 months now.

I've made huge gains in 3 months but I've encountered a situation here with my Rear Deltoids. I'm working them, even doing supersets with them, but I'm not seeing any gains.

I've tried Rear Delt Flies, Bent Lateral Raises and the like.

Does anyone know of any method on how to get your Rear Delts to bloom?

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

I'm not only surprised that you haven't heard of me, but I'm shocked by the reaction to my post.

To accuse me of not performing squats or lunges on a bi-weekly basis is completely whack.

It's pretty obvious that I hit my routines hard, no matter whether it's lower body or upper body.

I'm sure you will hear from me again in some form or fashion.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

Jon Von Auerbach's 5 Tips to Healthy Traps:

Tip 1:
Never dine on an empty stomach.
Dining on an empty stomach drains your traps of all the fluids it needs to thrive.

Tip 2:
Stretch your traps at least 5 time per day
Stretching any muscle, particularly your traps, makes it more flexible and increases mass.

Tip 3:
10/10/10 rule
Do 10 Shrugs with SuperMax weight in the morning, lunch, and evening 4 nights per week on top of your normal workout. You'll see massive gains in less than 3 weeks. Keep a set of dumbells near the bed at all times.

Tip 4:
Build Your House while on the job
Traps are often called "your house" because of their shape. Build your traps while you work
by shrugging your shoulders at a steady pace for 30 seconds every 2 minutes. This will keep you traps moving the whole day and will improve the quick twitch fiber compressions. If your job allows it, bring some dumbells
for under the cube or in the office.

Tip 5:
Hit the traps at the beginning of every back or shoulder workout.
This is essential. You want to wear out the major muscles first. Traps come #1, all else falls short of them.


------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually a licensed fitness and nutrition expert.
His work includes working out his body 2 hours a week and eating 6
healthy meals per day. John loads on carbs pre noon and triple stacks
the proteins post 6pm.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach's 5 foods to avoid:

1.Mayonnaise
Mayonnaise is high in fat and should be avoided in all diets

2.Lard
Lard is typically high in fat, and should be avoided in most diets

3.The fat on steak
The fat on steak not only looks unappetizing, but is also unhealthy in most countries.

4.The fat on ham or pork
The fat on ham and pork actually tastes pretty good, but should be very limited. If you do eat it, eat it for lunch or something.

5.Trans Fatty Oils
Trans Fatty oils have trans fats and trans fats are bad.

------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually a fitness and diet expert.
John Von Auerbach's tip of the day:
Most people don't think to do this, but training the
clavicular head portion of the chest is not only healthy,
but it creates more lactic acid than that of the sternal head.
More lactic acid means HUGE GAINS for John Von Auerbach.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: Your guide to healthy sleeping

The only way to sleep healthy is to sleep from 9pm - 5am. If you are training for competition, sleep from 9pm-1am. Wake up for a soy, whey, or other protein shake and train the lower body for 1 hour. Then sleep again from 2am-6am.

The reason for waking up is to keep the metabolic rate up and reason for lower leg training is for an increase in testoserone throughout your sleep.

It's a proven SYSTEM, and you will see HUGE GAINS in 6 weeks.

Any other method is just kidding itself.


-----------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually a licensed fitness and sleep expert.
John's tip of the day:
Before you go to sleep, eat tons of cottage cheese. When you wake up
balance that with tons of oats. You will make HUGE GAINS.

[rockhuddy]

...

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: My Supplement Schedule

Here is a typical day for me. I'm not telling you to take these supplements
nor am I telling you to take these supplements at these certain times.
All I know is that I'm making HUGE GAINS.

5am (Pre-workout):
Creatine, Phosphagen, Saw Palmento, Tribulus Tirrestrus, Centrum Silver

7am (Post-workout):
Glutamine, Creatine, Whey Protein, Calcium, Dymetradine, HMB, Shark Cartilage

11am:
Alpha Lipoic Acid, Essential Fat Acids, Stacker 3 Fat Burner

1pm:
Soy Protein Isolate, Taurin, Yohimbe Bark Extract

4pm:
Water, Chicken Breasts, and Tuna

9pm (sleep): Melatonin, Cassiene Protein,Echinacea, Astragalus, and Sprulina



-----------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually a fitness and powerlifting expert.
John's tip of the day:
Some supplements cause an increase in blood pressure, or liver damage.
Speak to your physician before trying any new supplements. Doctors
also recommend not to take more than 2 supplements per day.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: The Difference Between Me and You

I wake up at 5 am.
You sleep in like a lazy bum.

I'm taking supplements at 5:15am.
You are snoozing away.

I'm pumping iron at 5:30am.
Again, you are snoozing away.

I'm still pumping iron at 6:30am.
You are waking up for work.

I get a great post workout meal by 7:00am.
You are feeding yourself butter on a spoon.

I put on my suit, hop in my Corvette, and go to work and make 6 figures.
You hop in your Kia Rio and go to your middle management job.

I close deals smoother than a baby's bottom.
You eat lunch at McDonald's with your fat friends.

I take off from work at 3pm and make more money in a day then you do in a week.
You sit at work and stare at the clock waiting to leave.

I'm getting my High Intensity Interval Training in by 4:30pm.
You are stuck in traffic going home from your miserable job.

I've got tons of lactic acid flowing by 5pm.
You probably drop acid.

I eat Shark Cartilage for dinner.
You eat simple carbs and trans fats.

I have random chicks admiring my body 3-5 nights a week.
You have a fat wife bothering you to clean the toilet.

I get a good night rest.
You have heart palpitations and sleep apnea.


-------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually a fitness expert and poet.
John's tip of the day:
You should write stuff on paper daily to exercise your brain.
Your brain is a muscle too. But they don't make dumbells for brains.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: Exercising the Brain

Guys,

This is not meant to rip on you.

I am celebrating the bodybuilding lifestyle by putting it into a poem.

I will regularly do this to exercise my mind.


-------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually your lifting spotter. An online pal.
John's tip:
It is easy to ignore the mind. But more hard to use it.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach's 5 Steps for Crushing Temptations at the Root

We all know you've been there. We all know that you want to eat that chocolate brownie.
We know you want to eat that processed white rice. We know you want to eat that Big Mac.

But do you know what you don't know?

You, and only you, can easily CRUSH these temptations at the root using John Von Auerbach's Guide to Crushing Temptations at the Root.

Step 1:
When you see that piece of food you've been craving, start thinking about how it will affect your abdominals. Do you really want that food to affect your abdominals?
I DIDN'T THINK SO!

Step 2:
If step 1 doesn't work, start to think about other things you enjoy.
John Von Auerbach suggests that by just thinking about other things you enjoy, you will forget about unneccesary temptations. For instance, John Von Auerbach thinks about when he squatted more than the star quarterback one day.

Step 3:
If thinking about things you enjoy still doesn't satisfy your appetite, try acting out your enjoying thoughts. For instance, when John Von Auerbach wants cake, he simply has sex with one of his girlfriends. Cake is a mere afterthought at that point.

Step 4:
If you couldn't get it up or you couldn't act out your thoughts of enjoyment, try drinking a couple gallons of water and taking a couple Yohimbe Bark extracts. This usually does the trick for John Von Auerbach in tight situations.

Step 5:
And finally, if absolutely necessary, just find a comfortable place and take a nap. A lot of times what happens is that when you fall asleep, your temptation cells forget what they were craving. You wake up and you're ready to pump iron!



------------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is a virtual expert in psychology and nearly specialized in temptation studies.
John's Tip of the day:
Truckers don't put unleaded fuel in their diesel trucks.
And Grillers don't pour water in the gas cans.
Fuel up, don't F*ck up.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: Rep Me Or Neg Me

You may "rep me" or you may "neg me", but I'll tell you this much:

I will still be helping millions of people achieve HUGE GAINS in 6 weeks or less.

My John Von Auerbach system is proven. My initial thoughts were to make people pay for this information, but I want to spread this new wave of bodybuilding methodology.

You can either join it, or ignore it. But please don't rip it.


-----------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually your guide to the next millenium of bodybuilding secrets.
John's tip of the day:
When you feel too tired to workout, drink a sugar free red bull, coffee, and one aspirin. This triple stack will have you ears steaming in no time. PLEASE consult a physician before drinking a triple stack. Tell them John Von Auerbach sent you.

[hvit]

haha, these posts are absolutely priceless. I vote to have him unbanned...

[gecko2424]

sweet!

He puts too many spaces between lines like W8.

[ultraMagnetical]

I say we sticky it, its ****in hillarious.....shark cartilage wtf!! haaaa

[fast37]

Originally Posted by JVA

PLEASE consult a physician before drinking a triple stack. Tell them John Von Auerbach sent you.

I called my doctor and he knew JVA.

[gecko2424]

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

My mistake. I meant to say 3 years. I look different because my body fat % dropped to a staggering 7%.

Most men dream of this.

Say all you want about my mass, but I guarantee you I'm packing more mass under my tights.

...

[rockhuddy]

...

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: Sunday Mind Exercises

Sunday is a good day to do mind exercises, after you've hit all body parts twice during the week.
I've found that writing things down on paper exercises the mind the most.

Usually I like to write things that make me feel better, and pump me up for my workout on Monday.

Here is what I wrote today:


"

So, here I am. Ripped and ready.
And where is he at? Probably fat and hungover.

Who is he?
He is the star QB in high school.

He is the guy who made me think I could never do it.
He is the guy who thought football was better than lifting.

Now who is he?
He is probably cleaning floors at the YMCA.
He probably doesn't have any friends for real or online.

That's who he is.

He is a loser now, I bet.
And I'm ripped and ready.

"

That's just something I like to do once in a while. I don't like to brag about it, but it's just that sometimes, like this one, they end up being pretty good.


--------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John is virtually a kinesiologist.
John's tip of the day:
Sometimes writing takes too long. In those cases,
just make up a song to sing in the shower. I feel that
this exercised the mind just as much.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: Stretch Marks


Often times, stretch marks are a symbol of what's to come. A foreshadowing of your cloudy future.

My suggestion is to keep ripping through the stretchmarks and they will disappear.

Those who let the stretchmarks scare them are those who ultimately fall to them.

---------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually a diet and fitness expert.
John's tip of the day:
Fun Dip is fun, but very high in sugar. Avoid it.

Originally Posted by johnvon

John Von Auerbach: Available and Ready

I'm posting this here because many of you probably want to date me, men or women.

Here are just a few of my strengths:

1. My obliques are phenomenal.
2. My biceps are 14" and I bench over 260.
3. I have a very strong stream, and very little flow issues.
4. I have very little body hair.
5. I keep a nice tan and enjoy hair care products.

I would best describe myself as a Slip n' Slide.
I'm hard, I'm slick, and people can't wait to ride me.
When they're done, they usually have bruises.

--------------------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually the guy you dream to be or dream to have.
John's Tip of the Day:
Hairy chests are very 1980s. The notion that waxing is only
for women is what a troll would say.

Originally Posted by johnvon

John Von Auerbach: Getting over old Flings

It's pretty simple to get over women. You simply pick up a depressed chick in a damp corner of a sh*tty bar and you bring her home and screw her brains out. If she does anal, all the better.

That works for me 99% of the time.


------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John has virtually slept with several women.
John's tip of the day:
None today.

Originally Posted by johnvon

John Von Auerbach: Super Tired Today

I'm not usually one to be tired...I'm usually the most motivated person in this forum.

I'm supposed to do a heavy load leg workout today, including some power squats and reverse lunges.

I just woke up and I'm way too tired. I tried putting in some "Journey" to lift me up but it was a no go.

What do you guys do to get through this? I thought I had all the answers, but I'm just draggin today. I can't get pumped for legs. Do you guys know of any drugs or supplements to put me over the top?

I swear, I haven't been this depressed since Mr. Hooper died on Sesame Street.

Maybe I'll just do some Winsor Pilates.

-----------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually a premiere U.S. Bodybuilder
John's Tip of the Day:
Take a crap before weighing yourself. The rest is history.

[gecko2424]

and the best:

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

Hello ladies,

Many of you probably already know me, I'm John Von Auerbach. You may have seen me in me in such fitness infomercials as TurboJam or CoreSecrets. I'm one of the testimonials in each commercial.

You ladies spend hours trying to impress people like myself, and you are usually clueless.

I'm here to help.

Here are the 5 steps on how to impress John Von Auerbach:

Step 1:
What I say is more important than what you have to say. Be a good listener.

Step 2:
Dress appropriately at the gym. No one wants to see a lady in a loose fitting looney tunes t-shirt. Tight = Right.

Step 3:
Be sure to always complement me on my gains. Nothing will make me want you more than making me feel huge.

Step 4:
If you have kids already, make sure they are fit. There is nothing that turns me off more than a Mom who lets their kids eat sugar cereals.

Step 5:
Spare before hair. If you are still fat, make sure to pay attention to your gut more than your hair. I don't care if your hair looks nice if you've got a huge muffin top.


---------------
Who is John Von Auerbach:
John is virtually a life coach for women.
John's Tip of the Day:
There is no better place to meet men than at a
local gym at noon to 3 on weekdays.
They are serious about their fitness.

[rockhuddy]

Last couple... for now.

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

John Von Auerbach: Questions answered

1. I've already explained that it was 3 years, not 3 months. It was a typo.
2. The lower body is not smaller. I squat over 180 lbs.
3. Of course I have great genetics. Name one Auerbach who doesn't.
4. I drink tons of juice. Mostly the grape variety.

This is just all jealousy on these boards. So I've made huge gains...so what? Some of us have, and most of you are still working to get there.

Let's enjoy it together and let's make sure no one else hits a rear deltoid plateau like I did. Plain and simple.

-----------------------------------
Who is John Von Auerbach?
John Von Auerbach is virtually an avid fan of Yohimbe Bark extract.
John's Tip of the Day:
Don't get jealous. Jealousy leads to failure and failure leads to small biceps.

Originally Posted by jvonauerbach

I've been getting a lot of flack on this forum about me not having enough mass, or me being a "troll". I'm not sure what a troll is, but it got to the point where, for some reason, my account was banned until July 30th.

Well, I'm here to show you my huge gains and put this nonsense to an end.

I have several bronze medals on my nightstand. I don't know about you.

If you like these pictures, which I'm sure you will, please compliment me on my features in which you think I've made huge gains.

Profiles:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/member.php?u=328425
http://www.forum.bodybuilding.com/member.php?u=331346
http://www.forum.bodybuilding.com/member.php?u=330469

Will be checked regularly for updates.

[W8isGR8]

Genius

Pure, f*cking, genius


5-star thread

[pryme]

Everyone should put "JVA" in there sigs. lol

[remifontaine]

Is this guy taking himself seriously or what?

[W8isGR8]

Originally Posted by remifontaine

Is this guy taking himself seriously or what?

Yes 100%

[gecko2424]

He's W8's hero.

here's a more recent picture of him:
http://www.posedown.de/meisterschaft...r_IMG_0761.jpg

[adoniscomplex]

i kinda think he is a joke know
like maybe a regular just having a good time
cause this is too much to be true

[W8isGR8]

Originally Posted by adoniscomplex

i kinda think he is a joke know
like maybe a regular just having a good time
cause this is too much to be true

You're a quick one aren't you

[Noodle Salad]

True comic genius. The man will be missed.

[rockhuddy]

I've added in a few posts in that I missed the first time around.

To ensure that you see them all, rockhuddy suggests that you go back and read every single one again.

Plain and simple: If you fail to do this, you will virtually be doomed for all of eternity.

[The Real Deal]

lmao his material just keeps getting better and better

[Rune]

Originally Posted by jonvon

Who is John Von Auerbach?
John has virtually slept with several women.

The guy is hilarious, you can't deny it.

[SM373]

Best Thread Ever.

[HoosierBoy]

Originally Posted by Noodle Salad

True comic genius. The man will be missed.

He only got a temporary ban. Check out the "Countdown" thread!

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=848142

[AnaerobicAndrew]

LMFAO! Great stuff...great stuff...

[rockhuddy]

Second page? What the f*ck, people.

[Canadian Iron]

The quickest way to a man's heart is with John Von Auerbach's fist.

[darklight79]

Now i know why the regs are talking about him. This guy's awesome. I'll definitely rep him when he posts again.

[adoniscomplex]

Originally Posted by W8isGR8

You're a quick one aren't you

itsssss youuuuu isnt it

[W8isGR8]

Originally Posted by adoniscomplex

itsssss youuuuu isnt it

I could only wish

[ScrillaKeith]

Originally Posted by jvauerbach

But do you know what you don't know?

Well clearly I don't....

This is hilarious! I wonder if he'll reveal his secret identity...