Worst sex you ever had? Share your funny stories.

[DonGoofT]

...ok it went like this...

"oh yeah, that's good.. I'm so turned on.. you can..um start now...
what? You're already finished? I see."

hair trigger apparently...

there were bishes on the misc this early.......

[MasterpieceMesias]

the stories ITT made me cringe IRL

[frankenstein78]

1. Senior year of college. Woman was 38, I was barely 22. She was not thin. Sober, I'd rate her maybe a 4 only because she had huge teddies. She was after me, but I kept pushing her off to my roommate. I went in my room to pass out after numerous pitchers of beer. She ends up coming into my room naked, so we end up running train on her that night. Reluctantly, but did it anyway. While she was blowing me, he tried putting his dick in her ass. I was terrified she was gonna bite down on my dick, but she didn't. To get revenge on my roommate for not only trying to cornhole her while she was deep throating me, but for getting me involved into a situation I wasn't really interested in, I started tit phucking her while he was banging her on her back. He got up and left after like 10 seconds of seeing my ass go up and down right in front of him (revenge is sweet). I proceeded to bang her, just to get her to shut up and leave. She was so loose, you would have thought she just had a kid the day before. I've been with 20+ women since then and she is the loosest of all time. Took forever to bust, even though I was plowing 1000 mph.

She was still there, in the next room talking to my roommate the next morning. Couldn't get her to leave. He banged her once in awhile after that. She started coming over uninvited to our place, while we pretended to not be home. I still remember keeping quiet, while a very drunk, very loud, unattractive woman stood outside our door yelling our names for 10 minutes late at night. She even came into my work and made loud comments suggesting she knew what I looked like naked.

Semi-stalkerish nightmare.

2. Other than that, I was not pleased when a chick who was a squirter didn't give me warning beforehand to let me know why I was wet from chest to knees.

Edit: 3. to this day I don't remember more than 10% of the night because I was blackout drunk. THE GOOD: I woke up at my buddy's apartment in bed with a very, very smokin' hot chick. Ridiculously hot from head to toe. I was very happy, hell I wasn't even legal to drink yet. She was a grad student at an Ivy League university. THE BAD: I remember borrowing a condom from by buddy, but don't remember if we had sex. THE UGLY: my face smelled like rotten fish. I washed my face. Still stunk. Washed my face again. Still there. Took a long shower. My face still smelled like the inside of a dumpster behind a sushi restaurant in July. It was still faintly there the next day after yet another shower.

not cool.

[robby1024]

i fap before going to a girls house... i finish before i even get it in... i try again and get it back up then put on a condom and last for about 10 seconds, i tried to keep going but went soft. i just went home after that

[Stryfe14]

Mines pretty bad...

Had been chatting up this cute shy girl from one of my classes for about a month or so trying to get in. She comes over to a house party of mine and I end up hooking up with her and she stays the night. Every time I tried to get in her pants other than her ass she moved my hand away so I thought it was a no-go and I shouldn't go that far.

Fast forward to the next day. She's been texting me all day asking me to come to her place that night and stay the night, how excited she is to see me, etc, etc smily faces out the ass. So I go over to her place and hop in her bed and start watching a movie. We start making out, I take off her shirt and go at it for a little bit. Same thing with her pants though, she won't let me go any further than grabbing her ass and pushes my hand away from her vag. She won't go for my dick either, so I'm having a huge WTF moment at that point. I'm also starting to lose my boner at this point because I figure there's no way I'm getting off tonight, and she's being a huge prude. Eventually we just fall asleep.

Wake up that morning and she starts rubbing all over me, grabbing my dick, etc. So I'm like holy **** is this real life? What the ****. I get her completely naked and get on top of her. For some reason as soon as I get on top of her I lose my boner big time, and spent at least 10 minutes just making out on top of her trying to get my boner back. It's not working, so I end up going down on her which she really likes and puts a pillow over her face because she's moaning. I take this opportunity to work my dick with one hand to get it back up. Still nothing. THEN OUT OF ****ING NOWHERE I jizz all over the inside of my boxers. WITHOUT EVEN BEING ****ING HARD. Huge WTF moment, this has never happened before. I'm freaking out pretty hard and I figure I might be able to rally my dick for round 2 like I usually can after I get off once. Nope. Doesn't work. I finally just tell her that I can't get it up for some reason and that I'm really sorry.

She says its fine, and I get dressed and go back home, she has no idea that I jizzed in my ****ing pants.

That whole episode was a HUGE blow to my ego and the next couple times I had sex after that I was paranoid as **** that I wouldn't be able to get it up. Thankfully it was a one time thing.

I wrote the incident off as a side effect of a combination of vodka and ******** from the night before.

[DouLou]

Having a one night stand (really drunk) on the floor of a bathroom when the condom came off. I didn't have a spare condom on me so just kinda tried to stick it in raw but she wouldn't let me. I tried to finger her for about 1 minute but realised I really couldn't be arsed if I wasn't having sex. So just kinda stopped what we was doing, sat up against the wall, and just laughed. She looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said 'Well... that was a bit rubbish.' I just replied 'Yeah... it was'. She was to drunk to find her way home so we awkwardly shared a bed. She was gone in the morning before I woke up.

[MasterpieceMesias]

Mines pretty bad...

Had been chatting up this cute shy girl from one of my classes for about a month or so trying to get in. She comes over to a house party of mine and I end up hooking up with her and she stays the night. Every time I tried to get in her pants other than her ass she moved my hand away so I thought it was a no-go and I shouldn't go that far.

Fast forward to the next day. She's been texting me all day asking me to come to her place that night and stay the night, how excited she is to see me, etc, etc smily faces out the ass. So I go over to her place and hop in her bed and start watching a movie. We start making out, I take off her shirt and go at it for a little bit. Same thing with her pants though, she won't let me go any further than grabbing her ass and pushes my hand away from her vag. She won't go for my dick either, so I'm having a huge WTF moment at that point. I'm also starting to lose my boner at this point because I figure there's no way I'm getting off tonight, and she's being a huge prude. Eventually we just fall asleep.

Wake up that morning and she starts rubbing all over me, grabbing my dick, etc. So I'm like holy **** is this real life? What the ****. I get her completely naked and get on top of her. For some reason as soon as I get on top of her I lose my boner big time, and spent at least 10 minutes just making out on top of her trying to get my boner back. It's not working, so I end up going down on her which she really likes and puts a pillow over her face because she's moaning. I take this opportunity to work my dick with one hand to get it back up. Still nothing. THEN OUT OF ****ING NOWHERE I jizz all over the inside of my boxers. WITHOUT EVEN BEING ****ING HARD. Huge WTF moment, this has never happened before. I'm freaking out pretty hard and I figure I might be able to rally my dick for round 2 like I usually can after I get off once. Nope. Doesn't work. I finally just tell her that I can't get it up for some reason and that I'm really sorry.

She says its fine, and I get dressed and go back home, she has no idea that I jizzed in my ****ing pants.

That whole episode was a HUGE blow to my ego and the next couple times I had sex after that I was paranoid as **** that I wouldn't be able to get it up. Thankfully it was a one time thing.

I wrote the incident off as a side effect of a combination of vodka and ******** from the night before.

[LordBroski]

Girl I had, 5/10, who was my "go to" for quickies:

- Went over once before work
- She was hungover, wearing sweats
- Says she doesn't feel like going all the way (thank god) but would give head
- Gives dome like a champion
- Pull out and bust on face, first shot bypasses her guard and goes right down the throat, second shot goes up the nose
- She makes a loud vomiting sound and starts puking in her kitchen
- The sight of her puking at 8 AM, hung over, all messy looking in her sweats with my man juice all over her face, made me feel disgusted

I bail and never contact her again. But now I look back and lol

[RyanReese09]

Working at KFC when I was 17. Long story short, ****ed my ex gf (she worked there too) in the bathroom. Came in the trash can. Bathroom was too dirty to hold her against something so we were like two vertical statues. So awkward.

To makes matter even worse, in the middle of sex, we had a customer come up to the drive through and it let us know that we had an order to take.

"Welcome to KFC, give me one moment please."

[ElJefe904]

Mine was back in October, so bad that it makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. Wasted 3 weeks on her then had sex and never called again

[ThatBrah]

In high school me and this girl couldnt find a place to smash, so we ended up doin it in her car she was jn the back seat and i was kinda standing with the door open so i could get good leverage.

After a few minutes i sstarted feeling a sharp pain in my ankle/feet. Look down, i was standing in a phucking pile of fire ants. Needless to say i finished real quick then spent the next 15 minutes pouring water n chit on my foot.

[-RiK-]

I wouldn't say worst sex, but the most drunk sex I had... Cliffs:

- See a quiet girl from the gym I work at on a night out. Having remembered her name a few times she sees me and comes over to talk.
- This girl has barely said a few words to me at the gym before.
- Two drinks later when we're both pretty drunk we get a taxi back to hers.
- Comes out with all kinds of dirty talk I'd never have expected.
- After her drunken riding it felt like she snapped my banjo string (fortunately she didn't, it's got a small tear though and still hurts a bit a few days later). I don't know if she knows what that small bit of blood in her bed was from, I decided not to mention anything.
- I was so drunk that when she was on top of me I also stuck a bit of my index finger in her ass LOL. I have no idea why I did that.

[Stryfe14]

I wouldn't say worst sex, but the most drunk sex I had... Cliffs:

- See a quiet girl from the gym I work at on a night out. Having remembered her name a few times she sees me and comes over to talk.
- This girl has barely said a few words to me at the gym before.
- Two drinks later when we're both pretty drunk we get a taxi back to hers.
- Comes out with all kinds of dirty talk I'd never have expected.
- After her drunken riding it felt like she snapped my banjo string (fortunately she didn't, it's got a small tear though and still hurts a bit a few days later). I don't know if she knows what that small bit of blood in her bed was from, I decided not to mention anything.
- I was so drunk that when she was on top of me I also stuck a bit of my index finger in her ass LOL. I have no idea why I did that.

Stats: 6'4", 216 lbs


Son...

[-RiK-]

Stats: 6'4", 216 lbs


Son...

St. Patrick's day brah, was already drunk going in to the club before my last few drinks (no lightweight).

[Danny1990Sco]

1 - Cliffs:

- Took a chick back to my place after a night out (still stayed with parents at the time)
- Hulk smashed her. Fell asleep.
- Next morning smashed again, while i was on top my dad came strolling into my room asking if i wanted breakfast, i pulled the covers right up over us so he couldn't see her.
- Had convo with my dad for like 15mins while still inside said chick.
- dad walks out, said chick is mortified.
- I put pillow over her face and hulk smashed her again.
- All done without pulling out. Not even once.
- Called chick a taxi and walked down to have breakfast.
- My parents confused look on their faces and the chicks look of embarrassment was absolutely priceless.
- Best bit though was that my wee bro asked me if i was fighting with someone in my room during the night as he could hear 'banging' noises.

Not exactly sex but i'm sure a few of you guys will be feeling me with this story...

2 - Cliffs:

- wingman and i approached group of smoking hot chicks.
- got dancing / pulled one of them
- went outside with said chick, found somewhere quiet.
- making out, then she undone my trousers and gave me a BJ
- It was a toothy BJ and was horrendous.
- She thought i was enjoying it but i was actually twitching from the sheer agony.
- Only polite way i could make her think i enjoyed it was by fapping to finish myself.......shot onto her face.
- She had nothing to wipe it with and she hated sperm.
- I bailed leaving her with a face covered in dat dem der spermsors.

Edit :

3 - Cliffs:

- Smashing my FB in my car.
- Windows all steamed up to chit.
- Hear a noise outside, we think its just a fox or some chit.
- Flashlight shines in car window. Thought process goes along the lines of oh phuck, try not to **** myself.
- Open the window, It's the Police.
- Dude asks what we are doing, i say we were on a long journey and it had been a long 'ride' so we stopped for a break.
- He just chuckled and walked away.
- Picked up from where we left off and smashed her over the front of the car too.

[AlainnNeart]

can someone tell me why girls like having sex with the lights off?

I'm no expert but I'm always baffled

[DouLou]

can someone tell me why girls like having sex with the lights off?

I'm no expert but I'm always baffled

Cause you fuggin ugly son

[kiwiburger93]

we were watching a movie, i cant remember what it was might have been 'in time' or something. I was chewing gum whilst she elbowed me in the face accidentally and my gum fell out of my mouth. We started dry humping (yes in middle of movie but we were right at the back) and then she pulled me out of the movie into the disabled toilet (she wanted to bang LOL)
so as i take off her panties i come across some gum that was stuck in the groce-est way possible, fuarking killed the mood

figured out sherlock holmes style that gum had fallen from my mouth onto my crotch and when we dry humped ended up on her panties LOL

needless to say we started to do it but wasnt comfortable (no fkn idea how ppl do it in toilets fml) so i sit her up on this ledge thing thats for changing babies nappies hahah and i stand on the toilet bowl so she can give me head coz she didnt wanna kneel down on the dirty floor and the nappie changing thing creaked allll the fkn way whilst we both pretended to ignore it (she was 45 kg so obvi not a whale)

fknnn worst head ive ever gotten, was in complete fear all the time lol

[gycraig]

was smashing a girl doggy both smashed out her face, she grabbed the bin started puking, i pulled her hair back so she wouldnt get puke on it and kept going.

was doing anal for first time with a fk pulled my cock out a little nugget fell out, was quite drunk so sort of rolled it onto the floor and kept going.

went to do doggy standing up at a exes house and stood on a plug and nearly started crying.

[Montre]

Not really bad sex, but bad after sex. Railed this girl from another province, I had met her about 6 months prior and she was in town on holidays. Smashed her in my car, she seemed to have enjoyed it. We're laying there in the "afterglow" as one put it. And she starts on this psycho babble ****. This was our "second date" and she was saying "You're a king, you have everything I want, Even the perfect d!ck" (srs? Not even sure what that means, I'm average at best.) and then the "I don't want to go back home, I feel safe and at home with you". And the winner "Leaving you is going to be harder than my boyfriend". This is after I hung out with her twice. Strong psycho. She still texts me from time to time. Pretty well ruined teh entire night

You wot m8.

[Flashbrah]

-Picked this chick up.
-Went back to hers.
-Making out in her room,
-Started fingering her, no lights.
-Smashed her, while my mate was smashing her friend in the other room.
-She tells me how she is going to make me breakfast tomorrow, pancakes, eggs, the works.
-I have to be at work at 7, it's already 4:30.
-Go to the bathroom, turn on the light and it's like a fuking slasher film.
-Hands and groin area covered in blood, bich didnt tell me she was on her period.
-I am disgust.
-Clean myself up, rage at her and leave.
-Go home and stand under the shower for about 2 hours.
-Still feel dirty.
-After work talking to mate, he tells me she cried rape the next day and wanted to call the cops on me, but he talked her down.

[Jasonw1178]

Buddy and I get board, this 3/10 sloot starts bragging about how good she is giving head. She has huge boobs we wanted to see.
We get hotel room, she gets to buisness
Worse head ever, it hurt, felt wierd, can't explain ,but it was terrible.
She takes off her bra and boobs go falling down.
She continues, both me and him are laughing and giggling like school girls because she is so nasty.
I won't let her have mind anymore, so she focuses on my friend.
I start fingering her just to return the favor, well, my whole hand slips in.
I'm almost up to my elbow in this sloot, not exagerating.
Buddy sees this and runs out of the room.
I run out too, never see her again.

[bluejay83]

1.
banging GF at the time (we were 18)
her dad, mother and aunt come into the house.... we were in the livingroom.
we got dressed in about 5 seconds
after a long awkward stare from them, they sat down and made it worse.. asking how the morning was.

when they left i noticed my GF's top was inside out and back to front, and there was an open condom wrapper on the arm of the chair her dad was sitting in.
he pointed at it when they left.


2.
during sex my ex wife started verbalizing her fantasy about the Twilight tent scene.
(i feel sick about it to this day)

[Stryfe14]

Have another one. Not really bad sex, just one of the worst experiences I've had.

-Be away at college, still talk to a senior in HS (18) who's after my dick.
-Sext all the time through text, talk about how we're gonna ****
-Go back home for the weekend with a couple of my pledge brothers and stay at one of their houses
-Invite her over
-Shes literally all over my dick as soon as I see her
-Start drinking with all the fellas
-Shes starting to get sloppy
-Take her by the hand and walk her out to my car where my condoms are
-Get a condom, we go to the side of the house and start making out against the side of the house
-What happens over the next 10 minutes is some of the sloppiest, most degrading sex I've ever had
-She's all bent over taking me dick moaning like a paid whore (srs, was starting to get weirded out)
-Feel condom break, so I pull out and then jizz all over her hair and face
-She doesn't know theres jizz in her hair
-Wipes jizz off face
-Go back inside
-Friends know what happened. Continue to drink.
-She passes out, wakes up and pukes over herself
-Now has puke, jizz, and tears all over her
-Take her home in the morning, hardly ever speak to her again
-Still feel dirty about it to this day

[harveyjack]

Not really sex but still a sexual story... One time I had purchased some "tingling" lube for me and the GF of the time, and I let my horniness get the overall best of me and ended up having a sudden and unquenchable need to "test out" this new product. So I got ready, I laid down a towel on the bed, got the lube from the drawer and proceeded to apply the lube. It read upon on the label, "Please do not exceed a pea size amount", me in my idiotic youth had the thought "A vagina must be WAAAY more sensitive than a dick, and took it upon myself to squeeze half a bottle of lube directly upon my penis. Ah yes, I regretted this almost immediately as less than a minute into my session, I had an intense burning sensation on my genitals. I stood up and tried to wipe the lubrication off using my towel, nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED. So I decided to shower and wash it off, I quickly crab walked to the bathroom and began to shower and scrub furiously. Nothing, still NOTHING. I decided to get out of the shower and wipe myself down, as my face was wet I wiped it with a towel. The same god-forsaken towel I had previously tried removing the "tingling" lube with, only a brief time ago. The lube went directly into my left eyeball and the burning had spread from my crotch to my eye, so there I was, standing in my bathroom, viciously rubbing both areas in hysterics... and low and behold my mother walks in to see her 16 year old son, crying, bollock naked, with redness covering his genitals and the left side of his face, crying.

Overall I'd rate the experience 7/10, experienced the best self-orgasm of my life the very next hour.

[LiLRyan]

Met a milf at the park

PIITB that night, ask her to talk dirty - pulled her hair = i busted in 30 seconds

Game over

[sometypawhey]

Was hanging out at a friends house and a little buzzed when a girl that my friend is hooking up with sends him a text that her and a friend are going to come over. so these 2 girls come by and theyre obviously drunk, her friend immediatly comes over and sits on my lap as im on the couch. before i know it my friend has disapeered with the other girl back to his bedroom so im in the living room alone with this girl. so im making out with her on the couch and blurt out that she should give me head. i should have known it was a bad idea when she basically falls off the couch trying to get on her knees but i went for it anyways. so im taking my pants off and shes looking up at me, pull it out and she puts it in her mouth, a few mins later i start raming it down her throat because shes drunk and wont remember this and she ends up puking all over my pants, shoes and my friends floor, the smell is absolutely horrible and it looks even worse. i yell, my friend runs into the living room and im standing there with my pants around my ankles and we just start laughing

[ratbatkicker]

Was hanging out at a friends house and a little buzzed when a girl that my friend is hooking up with sends him a text that her and a friend are going to come over. so these 2 girls come by and theyre obviously drunk, her friend immediatly comes over and sits on my lap as im on the couch. before i know it my friend has disapeered with the other girl back to his bedroom so im in the living room alone with this girl. so im making out with her on the couch and blurt out that she should give me head. i should have known it was a bad idea when she basically falls off the couch trying to get on her knees but i went for it anyways. so im taking my pants off and shes looking up at me, pull it out and she puts it in her mouth, a few mins later i start raming it down her throat because shes drunk and wont remember this and she ends up puking all over my pants, shoes and my friends floor, the smell is absolutely horrible and it looks even worse. i yell, my friend runs into the living room and im standing there with my pants around my ankles and we just start laughing

Raunchy stories bros

[sirgainztoomuch]

This one's not really nasty but I was hanging out with a **** buddy once who wanted to be more than **** buddies. But I wasn't really into her all that much and I had already made that clear. She starts putting the moves on me and we go upstairs to fuark when she takes off her top and she starts sucking me off, then I notice a picture of her when she was younger and she was a ****ing blimp... instant turn off. Dick goes soft and she asks me what's wrong. I told her nothing let's try misionary. We start going and she gets waaay to into it and she is moaning super loud and I wasn't into it.... I imagine the look on my face during sex was like a look of disgust just like a person seeing a maggot in their food....

[gharlow]

College gf had just gotten a little teacup maltese and she let it sleep in bed with her. I prefer animals on the floor, but it was her place and the dog was small so I didn't really care.

I love morning sex, and as it was the first time I stayed over since she got the dog... I completely forgot it was there.

Start going to pound town, about to finish when all of a sudden I feel a tickling at my back door.

"Babe what are you doing, please stop trying to stick a finger in my angus."

Notice her hands are over her head.....

Slowly turn around.....

Puppy attempting to give me a rim job.

Immediately lose boner and start laughing hysterically.

Cliffs: Ex gf's puppy tried to give me a rim job.