the end of my relationship..just needing to let it out

[Nainoa]

You're right Nanoia, sadly. I have about 3 possible girls lined up right now. And I'm hoping one of them is going to fit my long list of needs

I know she won't meet a guy here, in this town. But she will when she goes back to school. Knock on wood... She despises our town, and everyone in it. But as soon as she leaves for school, I'm gonna die anyway. I can see it coming now, but I deny it.

When she leaves, she's gone from my life forever. I will basically lose all contact, against my will. It's easy to keep in contact with her now, but when shes gone to school, shes gone period.

I just really wish she wanted what shes getting... . She told me just yesterday, she has good days, and horrible days. Said she stays up at night and crys and wonders if shes making the right decision still. Said she still loves me from the bottom of her heart. I dunno man... it's such a ****ed up situation. And I guess I do from time to time have troubles letting go.

But at least I'm workin on finding a new girl ! And I would appreciate if your prayers are with me, because I need it

It's good to hear Bro... Sounds like your insight engines are firing up...

To be honest you sound a lot like me when I was in a very confusing time in my life...

****
My biggest piece of advice though, comes to you from "Fight Club."

Where they are sitting in the bathroom and Tyler says "We're a generation of Men raised by women... Somehow I don't think another woman is the answer."

The idea that is so critical for you to embrace right now is the building of a singular identity...

Finding yourself and who you are is a magical thing... And I'm sure that you, like the rest of us, has a rip-roaring reality of a being deep inside you that is begging like leper at the church door for some personal salvation.

And I will guarantee you that you will never find true happiness in the arms or the eyes of another person, until you first can find true happiness when you look in the mirror.

I say forget about women for a little while... You've got a lot of life ahead you... You've got a lot of personal building to do... I say embrace a little self focus... Water the tree of self knowledge, and turn yourself into one dynmaic mofo.

Because the reality is... You don't get a lot of time to yourself the older you get...

Hell look at me, I'm 2 months short of being 30... I'm about to get engaged... I run an active career, I'm the team leader or comissioner in my hobbies, I'm ordering my finances to sell my bachelor shack to buy a real house, Trying to take care of my elderly parents, and I'm about to plan a family...

If it wasn't for fishing, and the odd camping hike, I'd go crazy from never having any alone time...

However 10 years ago, I was lonely from having too much alone time...

Fortunately the winds of fate, and the inner tides of insight, helped me make the most of that period of my life, so I could go into the phase I'm in now with my eyes wide open, and my questions answered.

Don't underestimate the value of silence.

And remember... You can only have something (Happiness and Love) that you are capable of not having.

****

As for what to do with the ex...

Look... One of the Maxim's I live by is "Personal Accountability is the high water mark of a man."

You are accountable to YOU for your emotional health... You know deep down that "Clinging" onto this girl is bad for you...

I think you would be nudging your personal high water mark up a couple of thirsty inches if you called this girl, talked to her... Explained "I care about you, but I acknowledge that what we're doing by clinging like this is just keeping each other from really moving forward towards our true adult life... I think it's time we untwined ourselves, said our 'see you laters' and moved forward remembering the good times... Before we accidentally inflict each other with our bad times."

****

And if you also want to end that convo with a titch of Nainoa Flavor...

Here's my favorite line to use...

The Qu'ero Indians of Peru have a saying... "You only say good bye to someone once." Maybe 10 years from now we run into each other, and we have a cup of coffee, and reconnect... Maybe we wave hello as we pass each other's family in the mall... Maybe we never see each other again in the great jungle of this life...
Just take care of yourself...

****

I had that same conversation 12 years ago with the woman who now shares my bed every single night...

[Nainoa]

"I'm not sure what it is really... But I think it's kind of like tuning your EQ on your stereo... When we're in a relationship, with intimacy, we're tuned differently, than we are when we've been single for a while...

And while the same "Song of Personality" is playing... We sound better to women when we're tuned for intimacy... I think it's also that we see "Other Women" less as objects, when we're in a relationship, and socially we avail ourselves better because we have no ulterior motive..."

This is so true...I think girls love it when a guy can be himself and not try to be someone he's not just to get a girl. When ur in a relationship, most of the time ur really not out to look for anyone so ur trueself is out in the open...

Yep... That's dead on bro...

There's a certain desperation that comes off when your cock is telling you to do things... That keeps you from really putting the real you forward.

As I've gotten older and my sex drive has gotten more "Under my control." I've done better and better with women...

I actually got to a point before I got together with my current girl that my love life was just getting Too Freaky... Women were just dripping off me, and while it was great for a while... None of them were what I wanted... So I chose to shift gears... And here I am... With a smile on my face, and my wild oats sewn.

But it kind of sucks when you put your "False" or "Hunter" self forward...
And a woman does the same thing...

Then everything is great for like 4-8 weeks (Depending on how much each of you embelished things.) Then you each find out who you really are, and it turns into a friggin' **** storm!

I hate that... So I just put my real self forward from the get go (Self-Conscious stuff and all.) and it worked out great.

But I tell ya... I didn't really have the balls to do that until around... Something like 26-ish...

[AshtonUK]

The ultimate reality though... And the one I fear so much for you, is that this woman is going to indeed find another guy... Eventually the Co-dependency will wear off for her (As it probably is now). Women tend to emotionally taper off, and then end things sharply moving on to the next thing... Where as a guy either gets stuck in an emotional rut, or Meat Cleavers his emotions.

I know i'm asking this question for the wrong reasons, because ultimately it really doesnt matter if she does or doesn't, but after girls end things abruptly and go off with their new guy, do they never look back? or crave the previous partner... just curious, i'm still going through my cycles of depression/fear/anger/acceptance... been two months now

[Jhendi82]

I know i'm asking this question for the wrong reasons, because ultimately it really doesnt matter if she does or doesn't, but after girls end things abruptly and go off with their new guy, do they never look back? or crave the previous partner... just curious, i'm still going through my cycles of depression/fear/anger/acceptance... been two months now

I was wonering the samething Ashton and I think some do, especially women who still have a flame about an ex or an old fling. Best thing for us to do is keep forging ahead and don't look back, an live our lives like we never met them. But remember what she did to you, as I remember what my ex did to me so I can see red flags in future girls I date.

[Jhendi82]

You might still also have what I call "Boyfriend Vibe."

I've found that as men we are different when we're in a relationship than when we're single...

I'm not sure what it is really... But I think it's kind of like tuning your EQ on your stereo... When we're in a relationship, with intimacy, we're tuned differently, than we are when we've been single for a while...

And while the same "Song of Personality" is playing... We sound better to women when we're tuned for intimacy... I think it's also that we see "Other Women" less as objects, when we're in a relationship, and socially we avail ourselves better because we have no ulterior motive...

When single, we're talking to women with the Ulterior motive of slapping some man meat with extra love gravy into her, and on some level it shows.

There seems to be this period after a relationship, where we're still "Partially In Tune." And we have women dripping off us... (Often we can't land the deal beyond a fling because of the emotional changes we go through.)

****

OR... It could also be that you're like one of the ugliest people these women have ever seen, and much like watching the carnage of a car crash, while you drive by, they can't take their eyes off you!

LOL

Just Kidding Bro!

Haha yea thats how I feel bro, but I can also see that older women don't hide when their into you. One of the women I work with is drop dead gorgeous maybe around 40 a total milf and a half. Yes I wanna nail her and I see her galning at me all the time and staring but has not said a word to me. Also this girl that is in my training group throws herself all over me but I'm just not in to her beyond f***ing.

[Da CaVeman]

Hey guys..just wanna give an update on this girl #4 situation...

The same goup of girls went down the shore sat morning for one of the girl's bday...My graduation was from 8:30-about12:30 including pics and stuff so I told them I"d rid up with a friend of mine afterwards. Well, I had the feeling my friend didn't want to go in the first place. He went out to eat with his gf and I guess took his dandy time...I waited for a bit and then decided to call him to tell himn that it would be better if we just stayed home and wait for the girls to come back for dinner since by the time we left, we wold've had only about 1-2 hrs of shore time...well, I tried calling the girls to tell them that I wasn't going...Called all of them no one answered their phone. Last girl I called was girl#4...she answered. Told her I wasn't gonnna make it..After about 5 secs. of silence, she said that she just came back from work at 7 a.m and didn't go with them...So..with that said, we just talked on the phone for about an hr while she was getting ready to head out and have lunch with some of her other friends. She invited me to come since she only knew 2 of the people there but I was already on my way home and would've taken 30 mins to get to the restaurant. So instead, she decided to just stop by and say hi to them and asked me to keep her company at the mall instead. So I did just that. We went shopping, looking for a gift for her dad for father's day and of course, looking for stuff for herself. 6:00 rolls around, I call the girls to see if they're heading back for dinner yet...Nope, they won't be leaving for another 2 hrs so I said screw it, since me and grl#4 were hungry, I decided to take her out for some sushi. Stuff ourselves, then went for a a 30 min walk and just talked.
9:30 rolls around and the other girls are back and heading to a restaurant to eat and then head out ot the clubs. Since me and grl4 ate already, we just wanted to head back home to get ready for clubbing and rest a bit. 11:30 rolls around, I picked up grl4 to go and pick up the other girls. At the club, me and her dance again for a bit but not too much since I've been up since 6:00 am and only had 2 hrs of sleep that night. After a bit, she danced with her girls and some other guys.
2:00 a.m comes and we're all heading home. Me and the grl4 got this crazy idea to head to atlantic city (about 1hr 15 mins away) with the girls but only the bday girl was able to go...So, the idea kinda died. After I dropped off everyone, only me, grl 4, bday girl and her bf were left. grl 4 said the night was still young so i said screw it, lets go and chill at the beach and watch the sun rise...So we did just that...By the time we got there, the sun was just rising as we were all sitting on the beach...I didn't really get any alone time with the girl because the other couple were tthere too..

Its so wierd how this day turned out...We didn't really tell the other girls that we hung out the entire day. I would think they would notice something was wierd considering they would called her and then called me to try to meet up...She would tell them that she's at the mall, I would say the same, She wasn't going to the dinner cuz she ate already, I said the same.

[bah01001]

You remind me of a kitten I had once... Kept getting his claws caught in this comfortable old sweater I would put on every time I'd come home. Everytime he'd jump up on me, his claws would get stuck in the strands of the sweater and he couldn't get out... It would always be an endeavor for both of us to get him untangled.

Eventually I learned my lesson, and I stopped wearing the comfortable old sweater...

I went out found a really nice fleece sweatshirt... I bought it... Later I met this chick, who gave me a hug at the end of the night... She liked the feel of my new sweatshirt... She remarked how it must take a man who's confident in himself to wear such a soft shirt...

Fast forward two glasses of wine, and some sweet talk and I'm having crazy beast sex with this chick...

Moral of the story... Once you learn to let go of the comforts of the past, you're going to discover that there are a lot of things better than sitting around getting stuck in the comfortable past...

And that the doors of opportunity in your life don't even bother to unlock themselves until you take the F*ckin' nuts to step towards them... Then and only then do you discover that those doorways of opportunity will open on their own.

Yea, you may be right, but right now it would be a lot harder without her. I go out,a nd too be honest, I have already gone out on a date with another girl and had a great time, but my Ex is way too important to me for just dropping her. Its def. not the same comparing a human to a sweater. If you broke up with someone and you actually "loved" her and cared for her with all your heart, you would not just be able to drop her so fast. And if you say you can, then you never loved her.

[Nainoa]

Yea, you may be right, but right now it would be a lot harder without her. I go out,a nd too be honest, I have already gone out on a date with another girl and had a great time, but my Ex is way too important to me for just dropping her. Its def. not the same comparing a human to a sweater. If you broke up with someone and you actually "loved" her and cared for her with all your heart, you would not just be able to drop her so fast. And if you say you can, then you never loved her.

LOL!

Actually I went through a living hell of suffering for that girl, and our break up almost destroyed me... Hell it fundamentally altered who I am, in the process of the insight gained from recovery...

The way it fundamentally altered me was because (In that sweater metaphore.) I had to have the COURAGE to embrace my life for who I was, and to learn to STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET, emotionally...

No Crutch... No Self Pity... No Bull **** excuses that allowed me to stay in a rut of co-dependency... Just me, and the courage to understand myself without having someone else's emotional apron strings to hold onto.

***

If you're going to need an emotional apron to tug on in this life, you'd do much better to go running back to mommy, than you would to hang onto a "Girl" who is currently just being nice enough not to Hamstring you.


***

****... You're 23 years old... Stop being a Co-Dependent Pussy and Grow a Pair!


***
I apologize if that's harsh, but by your words it's dead clear that you need a good "Wake Up Slap!"

[bah01001]

haha thanks, it was a LITTLE harsh but its still tough cuz it just happened a little under 2 months ago....but i appreciate the slap and i do know i have to move on...just hard

[Nainoa]

I know i'm asking this question for the wrong reasons, because ultimately it really doesnt matter if she does or doesn't, but after girls end things abruptly and go off with their new guy, do they never look back? or crave the previous partner... just curious, i'm still going through my cycles of depression/fear/anger/acceptance... been two months now

To Jhendi you should listen!

***

The reality is, yeah we all look back at one time, in one way or another...

I still have several women who hold a bit of a torch for me, even when they were the one's who broke up with me...

But will they ever act on it...

No...

At least not that you could or should ever count on it...

***

Remember always to be mindful...

You Focus determines your reality... If you're focused and fixated on your ex girlfriend, then that's the way your emotions will build...
And this god awful cycle of self torture that you're putting yourself through is going to continue, and possibly even escalate.

If you focus on the things you have upcoming, and the places you want to go in the journey of your life... Then you're going to start to connect emotionally with your potential for the future...

If I remember correctly, you have a shoulder surgery coming up...
Having suffered a serious shoulder injury myself, I can tell you that there is no limit to the amount of effort you can put into studying up on the shoulder, and your particular ailment... That way you can go in, and during the examines, before surgery, post-op, and during rehab you can ask the right questions to not only ease your stress about it, but also to speed up your recovery and return to normal...

And that's just one small "Slow Pitch Softball" example of where your focus needs to be...

[Nainoa]

Hey guys..just wanna give an update on this girl #4 situation...

The same goup of girls went down the shore sat morning for one of the girl's bday...My graduation was from 8:30-about12:30 including pics and stuff so I told them I"d rid up with a friend of mine afterwards. Well, I had the feeling my friend didn't want to go in the first place. He went out to eat with his gf and I guess took his dandy time...I waited for a bit and then decided to call him to tell himn that it would be better if we just stayed home and wait for the girls to come back for dinner since by the time we left, we wold've had only about 1-2 hrs of shore time...well, I tried calling the girls to tell them that I wasn't going...Called all of them no one answered their phone. Last girl I called was girl#4...she answered. Told her I wasn't gonnna make it..After about 5 secs. of silence, she said that she just came back from work at 7 a.m and didn't go with them...So..with that said, we just talked on the phone for about an hr while she was getting ready to head out and have lunch with some of her other friends. She invited me to come since she only knew 2 of the people there but I was already on my way home and would've taken 30 mins to get to the restaurant. So instead, she decided to just stop by and say hi to them and asked me to keep her company at the mall instead. So I did just that. We went shopping, looking for a gift for her dad for father's day and of course, looking for stuff for herself. 6:00 rolls around, I call the girls to see if they're heading back for dinner yet...Nope, they won't be leaving for another 2 hrs so I said screw it, since me and grl#4 were hungry, I decided to take her out for some sushi. Stuff ourselves, then went for a a 30 min walk and just talked.
9:30 rolls around and the other girls are back and heading to a restaurant to eat and then head out ot the clubs. Since me and grl4 ate already, we just wanted to head back home to get ready for clubbing and rest a bit. 11:30 rolls around, I picked up grl4 to go and pick up the other girls. At the club, me and her dance again for a bit but not too much since I've been up since 6:00 am and only had 2 hrs of sleep that night. After a bit, she danced with her girls and some other guys.
2:00 a.m comes and we're all heading home. Me and the grl4 got this crazy idea to head to atlantic city (about 1hr 15 mins away) with the girls but only the bday girl was able to go...So, the idea kinda died. After I dropped off everyone, only me, grl 4, bday girl and her bf were left. grl 4 said the night was still young so i said screw it, lets go and chill at the beach and watch the sun rise...So we did just that...By the time we got there, the sun was just rising as we were all sitting on the beach...I didn't really get any alone time with the girl because the other couple were tthere too..

Its so wierd how this day turned out...We didn't really tell the other girls that we hung out the entire day. I would think they would notice something was wierd considering they would called her and then called me to try to meet up...She would tell them that she's at the mall, I would say the same, She wasn't going to the dinner cuz she ate already, I said the same.

Hey that's cool Bro...

I think you're probably heading at just about the right pace...

All too often people forget that the process of "Getting to know" someone is actually important, and not just "Old Fashioned."

Look at it this way...

A couple needs to spend a significant amount of time together before having children, so that they form a bond with each other, they learn how to communicate and how to work together, so when they have a child, there proper focus is on the child...

But before that, a Couple needs to spend time just getting to know each other, so they can start to find the common ground in which they communicate and find all the little things to help them work together.
Without this phase they wouldn't appreciate the benefits that come on the backside of all the conflict that can and is a part of cementing yourself into couplehood.

***

All too often two people meet, get drunk, get pregnant, and then the relationship falls apart when the baby comes, and they wonder "Geez... We had all this stuff in common, why couldn't we work it out?"

Because they didn't take the time to solidify the relationship to each other... They just sort of "Fell into" the last step...

Relationships are like Apple trees...

At this point you've planted the seed, a small sapling has sprung up, and it's just about to start making it's first leaves...

If you go and start eating the leaves because you can't wait for the flowers and the apples, then you're just going to end up killing a tree that might just have been desitined to grow up into a thing of beauty!

***

Bottom line... The more to be lost by Rushing to intimacy at this point than there is to be gained by simply having a "Public Interaction."

***

Not to mention that the longer you wait, the CRAZIER the sex is when the first time comes...

[Nainoa]

haha thanks, it was a LITTLE harsh but its still tough cuz it just happened a little under 2 months ago....but i appreciate the slap and i do know i have to move on...just hard

"Nothing worth having comes easy!"
And that applies to "Self Ownership" and "Personal Freedom."

[Da CaVeman]

"Bottom line... The more to be lost by Rushing to intimacy at this point than there is to be gained by simply having a "Public Interaction."

***

Not to mention that the longer you wait, the CRAZIER the sex is when the first time comes... "

Yes...and definitely YES!

I called her this morning to asked if she had a preference for detergents because I was gonna wash the sheet that she left in my car to use at the beach...We ended up talking for 3 hrs about all sorts of things and ended up going to lunch...I was gonna see if she wanted to hang out later that night since she her schedule is pretty crazy considering she's a nurse and her hours are from 7 pm to 7 am on random days. Before I got a chance to say anything, her phone rings and her work asked her to come in at 11 pm. So we parted after the late lunch which didn't end until 6:30...She had to go do some things for her parents b4 going to work. 9:00 comes and she calls and leaves a message on my cell (I was at the gym) saying her mom made some extra lasagna and she was gonna drop some off at my place b4 she heads to work...I pretty much felt like the luckiest guy on the planet...So she drops by and we talked again for about 20 mins b4 she had to go...

As of now, I'm still a little skeptical about how she feels. I don't know if she's actually interested, or if she's just being really nice...As of now, I'm tryin to take it at an easy pace...I don't want to be the guy who makes it extremely obvious that I'm interested by calling her everyday and trying to get her out everynight.

[Nainoa]

"Bottom line... The more to be lost by Rushing to intimacy at this point than there is to be gained by simply having a "Public Interaction."

***

Not to mention that the longer you wait, the CRAZIER the sex is when the first time comes... "

Yes...and definitely YES!

I called her this morning to asked if she had a preference for detergents because I was gonna wash the sheet that she left in my car to use at the beach...We ended up talking for 3 hrs about all sorts of things and ended up going to lunch...I was gonna see if she wanted to hang out later that night since she her schedule is pretty crazy considering she's a nurse and her hours are from 7 pm to 7 am on random days. Before I got a chance to say anything, her phone rings and her work asked her to come in at 11 pm. So we parted after the late lunch which didn't end until 6:30...She had to go do some things for her parents b4 going to work. 9:00 comes and she calls and leaves a message on my cell (I was at the gym) saying her mom made some extra lasagna and she was gonna drop some off at my place b4 she heads to work...I pretty much felt like the luckiest guy on the planet...So she drops by and we talked again for about 20 mins b4 she had to go...

As of now, I'm still a little skeptical about how she feels. I don't know if she's actually interested, or if she's just being really nice...As of now, I'm tryin to take it at an easy pace...I don't want to be the guy who makes it extremely obvious that I'm interested by calling her everyday and trying to get her out everynight.

One of the things I've found is that women find us to be Obtuse to when they are showing interest in us...

I think many of the older ones I've known are convinced that we don't realize that they like us until they're blowing us!
LOL!

****

Yeah it's clear that she likes you...

The only time a woman brings you food, when she is alone is when there is some kind of emotive connection...

What you need to do is COMMUNICATE to her that you do indeed like her. And that you're enjoying things the way they are going right now...

***
You have to remember that as men we base much of our self value on our conquests, and achievements...

But women base their self value on the quality of their relationships with each other.

****

A simple sentence in a conversation like "You know I've really been enjoying our time together." Goes a long way, without having to say something like "Baby, I'm so friggin' into you that I would die if I didn't make you my girlfriend!"

***

One of the things that is really going to also go a long way in your development into becoming a quality man is your ability to express your feelings with out it turning into some giant melodrama...

I think all too often as men we tend to take a "Cracked Damn" model for expressing our feelings... That we hold back everything, just letting out little dribbles of emotion... Until the time comes... The Damn breaks and we're friggin' emotional wrecks, blathering everything we've felt from age 3 to 23 in 75 contiguous sentences! That usually ends in a sob and some snot dribbles!



A real key skill that will help all men is to really be able to express your emotions without letting them get away from you...

Because it's often in the "Getting away from you" stage, that we come off as desperate and un-self-assured... Which women find repulsive in a potential mate...

****
In short keep in mind that the journey from Hello... To... I Enjoy the Time we spend together... To... I Love You... Is best accomplished by upping the ante of your emotional expression and validation... A little bit at a time.

[JEH05]

It is painful and it sometimes takes a long time to get over. I myself have found it useful to turn the negative "energy" or sadness into something useful. My gf of 2.5 years dropped me in 1 day and hasnt spoken to me since then (about 2 months ago). I was destroyed, but since then ive lost 60Lbs and am feeling great. Acheived this by everytime i felt bad/missed her i exercised and turned it into a fuel for me. If you can learn to utilize negative feelings and "channel" them towards a possitive goal, you can achieve anything. Spend time with your friends, live life and be happy, life is too short to spend your days being upset. It gets easyier day by day. "When your going through hell, Keep going" GL to you and godbless! Hang in there.

[Da CaVeman]

after a breakup from a long relationship, I've learned that it is very important to keep urself moving forward and to stay positive. I tried my hardest to stay positive, think of positive thoughts, and just accept the fact that things didn't work out and that there will be plenty of opportunities out there...I know all this is easier said than done, but I have pushed myself to it, and it has worked...Turning the negative engery into "gym fuel" works great, however, at times, I found it to be very emotionally draining and will sometimes even cause u to lose focus at the gym and make u kinda zone out...

I now still talk to my ex from time to time. We even talk about who she's hanging out with/dating and stuff like that. I have no problem at all talking to her about these things. She knows that I'm "hanging out" with this girl #4 and I don't think she has a problem with it either...I do however need to get a new place so I can actually have my own pad. That is of course in the works. We had a long talk the other night about things that went wrong in the relationship, things that could've been different, things that would've worked out...She actually told me that she'd thought I'd be the guy who she'd married because of my qualities. She also said that the next guy would have some high standards to try to live up to...I didn't know wat to say...I was kinda awed and at the same time, felt bad because the guy she was kinda hanging out with is a dick and stood her up for no apparent reason and was probably just looking for some ass, which she refuses to easily give up. But I told her to just hang in there and be patient and don't settle for less because the right guy will come by to take her in, sadly, it most likely won't be me. I do hope that "The Right Guy" will find her and treat her right.. SHe admitted that our relationship was a good run and that she really wanted things to work out but it just didn't...She was hoping I'd be the last guy she'd ever had to date.

Anywho, hung out with girl#4 today. She called this morning after coming home from her shift...Last night b4 she went to work, I told her to give me a call if she got bored...When she did call in the morning, she explained that she was extremely busy in the ER because a multiple gunshot victim was taken in (she's a nurse)...I didn't really expect an explanation but to me, that kinda tells me that she actually thought about calling me in the middle of the night but was too busy to do so We then talked for about 3 hours again and then decided to both head out together to the super market to pick up some things and to grab a bite to eat.

She's off work for the next 2 weeks and was telling me how bored she's gonna be. She wants to do something to stay active so I'm gonna see if she wants to go to the gym with me tomorrow to do some cardio and perhaps swim. She only knows how to doggie paddle so I was thinking about tryin to teach her how to swim at the indoor pool. Am I over saturating her?? Should I give it a day or two of rest b4 i ask her to come out again? I'm trying not to call her everyday but when I don't call her, she calls me.

When is it the right time to ask her on an actual date? I don't want to keep hanging out like this without going on a real date because it might put me in that "friend" zone...Once I'm in there, I know its gonna be hard to move past that...So far, we've shopped together, grabbed dinner and lunch together...So how would I make a clear distinction between hanging out and going on a date?

As a date, I think I would want to make reservations at a restaurant that she hasn't been to and then wat? Of course I'll have the flowers ready too..I was thinking maybe a walk along the riverfront afterwards but I don't want to make her feel like I'm tryin to just get some ass from her... .How would I let her know that it would actually be a date and not just hanging out? Is this moving too fast or should I hang out some more with her? We've only been hanging out for a few days...

I know its only been about a month and a half since my recent breakup...I told myself that I want to just be single for awhile and just have fun. However, I can't seem to just let go of this girl#4. There's something about her that keeps pulling me in. She's different from the other girls I know...I'm 24 and have only had 2 relationships, both long term. When I try to pursue a girl, it usually means she has the right personality thats complimentary to mine, she's attractive in my eyes, and she has the right qualities that I look for in a girl. Its hard to find someone who fits all of these perfectly. From these recent events with girl#4, I feel like this was fate waving an opportunity in front of me to see if I am still blinded by my breakup.

[Swole4Life]

after a breakup from a long relationship, I've learned that it is very important to keep urself moving forward and to stay positive. I tried my hardest to stay positive, think of positive thoughts, and just accept the fact that things didn't work out and that there will be plenty of opportunities out there...I know all this is easier said than done, but I have pushed myself to it, and it has worked...Turning the negative engery into "gym fuel" works great, however, at times, I found it to be very emotionally draining and will sometimes even cause u to lose focus at the gym and make u kinda zone out...

I now still talk to my ex from time to time. We even talk about who she's hanging out with/dating and stuff like that. I have no problem at all talking to her about these things. She knows that I'm "hanging out" with this girl #4 and I don't think she has a problem with it either...I do however need to get a new place so I can actually have my own pad. That is of course in the works. We had a long talk the other night about things that went wrong in the relationship, things that could've been different, things that would've worked out...She actually told me that she'd thought I'd be the guy who she'd married because of my qualities. She also said that the next guy would have some high standards to try to live up to...I didn't know wat to say...I was kinda awed and at the same time, felt bad because the guy she was kinda hanging out with is a dick and stood her up for no apparent reason and was probably just looking for some ass, which she refuses to easily give up. But I told her to just hang in there and be patient and don't settle for less because the right guy will come by to take her in, sadly, it most likely won't be me. I do hope that "The Right Guy" will find her and treat her right.. SHe admitted that our relationship was a good run and that she really wanted things to work out but it just didn't...She was hoping I'd be the last guy she'd ever had to date.

Anywho, hung out with girl#4 today. She called this morning after coming home from her shift...Last night b4 she went to work, I told her to give me a call if she got bored...When she did call in the morning, she explained that she was extremely busy in the ER because a multiple gunshot victim was taken in (she's a nurse)...I didn't really expect an explanation but to me, that kinda tells me that she actually thought about calling me in the middle of the night but was too busy to do so We then talked for about 3 hours again and then decided to both head out together to the super market to pick up some things and to grab a bite to eat.

She's off work for the next 2 weeks and was telling me how bored she's gonna be. She wants to do something to stay active so I'm gonna see if she wants to go to the gym with me tomorrow to do some cardio and perhaps swim. She only knows how to doggie paddle so I was thinking about tryin to teach her how to swim at the indoor pool. Am I over saturating her?? Should I give it a day or two of rest b4 i ask her to come out again? I'm trying not to call her everyday but when I don't call her, she calls me.

When is it the right time to ask her on an actual date? I don't want to keep hanging out like this without going on a real date because it might put me in that "friend" zone...Once I'm in there, I know its gonna be hard to move past that...So far, we've shopped together, grabbed dinner and lunch together...So how would I make a clear distinction between hanging out and going on a date?

As a date, I think I would want to make reservations at a restaurant that she hasn't been to and then wat? Of course I'll have the flowers ready too..I was thinking maybe a walk along the riverfront afterwards but I don't want to make her feel like I'm tryin to just get some ass from her... .How would I let her know that it would actually be a date and not just hanging out? Is this moving too fast or should I hang out some more with her? We've only been hanging out for a few days...

I know its only been about a month and a half since my recent breakup...I told myself that I want to just be single for awhile and just have fun. However, I can't seem to just let go of this girl#4. There's something about her that keeps pulling me in. She's different from the other girls I know...I'm 24 and have only had 2 relationships, both long term. When I try to pursue a girl, it usually means she has the right personality thats complimentary to mine, she's attractive in my eyes, and she has the right qualities that I look for in a girl. Its hard to find someone who fits all of these perfectly. From these recent events with girl#4, I feel like this was fate waving an opportunity in front of me to see if I am still blinded by my breakup.

Glad you found a new girl man. Wish I was in your shoes, need something to take my mind off the ex so badly...

Anyway, I think she gets the picture you're into her I don't think you're in a friends zone, or in danger of it. Just ask her out for dinner, do without the flowers though. Dinner, a nice walk somewhere and end the night with a kiss. Good luck!

[MantisShrimp]

Haha yea thats how I feel bro, but I can also see that older women don't hide when their into you. One of the women I work with is drop dead gorgeous maybe around 40 a total milf and a half. Yes I wanna nail her and I see her galning at me all the time and staring but has not said a word to me. Also this girl that is in my training group throws herself all over me but I'm just not in to her beyond f***ing.

Best thing about older women is that both you and they both know that they are too old to be stupid enough to think that men actually say one thing and mean another, so they are less likely to try and read into what you're doing (screwing them.) Makes for more casual relationships at times where you don't really want someone sweating you.

[Mikeo]

"Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten"

[Nainoa]

after a breakup from a long relationship, I've learned that it is very important to keep urself moving forward and to stay positive. I tried my hardest to stay positive, think of positive thoughts, and just accept the fact that things didn't work out and that there will be plenty of opportunities out there...I know all this is easier said than done, but I have pushed myself to it, and it has worked...Turning the negative engery into "gym fuel" works great, however, at times, I found it to be very emotionally draining and will sometimes even cause u to lose focus at the gym and make u kinda zone out...

I now still talk to my ex from time to time. We even talk about who she's hanging out with/dating and stuff like that. I have no problem at all talking to her about these things. She knows that I'm "hanging out" with this girl #4 and I don't think she has a problem with it either...I do however need to get a new place so I can actually have my own pad. That is of course in the works. We had a long talk the other night about things that went wrong in the relationship, things that could've been different, things that would've worked out...She actually told me that she'd thought I'd be the guy who she'd married because of my qualities. She also said that the next guy would have some high standards to try to live up to...I didn't know wat to say...I was kinda awed and at the same time, felt bad because the guy she was kinda hanging out with is a dick and stood her up for no apparent reason and was probably just looking for some ass, which she refuses to easily give up. But I told her to just hang in there and be patient and don't settle for less because the right guy will come by to take her in, sadly, it most likely won't be me. I do hope that "The Right Guy" will find her and treat her right.. SHe admitted that our relationship was a good run and that she really wanted things to work out but it just didn't...She was hoping I'd be the last guy she'd ever had to date.

Anywho, hung out with girl#4 today. She called this morning after coming home from her shift...Last night b4 she went to work, I told her to give me a call if she got bored...When she did call in the morning, she explained that she was extremely busy in the ER because a multiple gunshot victim was taken in (she's a nurse)...I didn't really expect an explanation but to me, that kinda tells me that she actually thought about calling me in the middle of the night but was too busy to do so We then talked for about 3 hours again and then decided to both head out together to the super market to pick up some things and to grab a bite to eat.

She's off work for the next 2 weeks and was telling me how bored she's gonna be. She wants to do something to stay active so I'm gonna see if she wants to go to the gym with me tomorrow to do some cardio and perhaps swim. She only knows how to doggie paddle so I was thinking about tryin to teach her how to swim at the indoor pool. Am I over saturating her?? Should I give it a day or two of rest b4 i ask her to come out again? I'm trying not to call her everyday but when I don't call her, she calls me.

When is it the right time to ask her on an actual date? I don't want to keep hanging out like this without going on a real date because it might put me in that "friend" zone...Once I'm in there, I know its gonna be hard to move past that...So far, we've shopped together, grabbed dinner and lunch together...So how would I make a clear distinction between hanging out and going on a date?

As a date, I think I would want to make reservations at a restaurant that she hasn't been to and then wat? Of course I'll have the flowers ready too..I was thinking maybe a walk along the riverfront afterwards but I don't want to make her feel like I'm tryin to just get some ass from her... .How would I let her know that it would actually be a date and not just hanging out? Is this moving too fast or should I hang out some more with her? We've only been hanging out for a few days...

I know its only been about a month and a half since my recent breakup...I told myself that I want to just be single for awhile and just have fun. However, I can't seem to just let go of this girl#4. There's something about her that keeps pulling me in. She's different from the other girls I know...I'm 24 and have only had 2 relationships, both long term. When I try to pursue a girl, it usually means she has the right personality thats complimentary to mine, she's attractive in my eyes, and she has the right qualities that I look for in a girl. Its hard to find someone who fits all of these perfectly. From these recent events with girl#4, I feel like this was fate waving an opportunity in front of me to see if I am still blinded by my breakup.

Okay... First off...

On the one hand... I don't think you're moving too fast... HOWEVER on the other hand, some of these "Designs" you're creating have a little bit of nitro to them that you don't need.

Skip the flowers...

Bringing flowers on a date has become a bit... Well... Cheesy...
Flowers once you're going out with a girl is good... Flowers on a date, and you've just forced her to carry around a thing of goddam flowers all night...
(Granted there's a trick to flowers, that I stumbled on a while back that will get you some ass... But that's not germain to our topic here.)

****

Remember... Just like how you needed to be mindful of your feelings when you were going through the break up, you also need to be mindful of your feelings now that you're dating her... And the desire to "Spice up your dating experience to impress her, probably also has a deeper seed... In that there is a comfort zone that comes with being in a relationship that involves intimacy... And I think a part of you deep down wants to get back into that comfort zone again, and that part of you is just looking to find other ways to "Gently Speed things up." While the other more mindful part of you is still looking at the situation from a logical stand point.

****

So really I think you are going the right speed in general... You're bonding with this girl... You're talking and communicating, instead of letting the physical stuff come first (And then get in the way.)
And I don't think there's anything wrong with you spending more time with her doing "Dating" things... So long as you don't put these accelarators of intimacy into the mix.


*****

Now as for the larger question of your concerns about only having had 2 relationships before this...

Speaking as a man... That's a good thing... It really is a good case scenario to have that be your Relationship Resume... Realistically the skills you learn from one night stands, flings, and short lived relationships, do very little if anything to carry over into success with your adult relationships.
(I should know for 5 years my nic name was "UPS" Because I could start dating a girl, on the same day order something from UPS, and by the time it came, I would have broken up with her.)

****

The only thing you miss out on (And this is the Tiny fragment of Party boy that's still left in me speaking...) Is just tagging a bunch of random ass...

Yeah it is nice to just bang a couple of chicks and bail... It's liberating in a way... But in another way... It's unfullfilling... And an empty life is an unfulfilled life.

Sex becomes better when intimacy is involved...
And it especially becomes better as women get older...

Yeah it's nice to bang some 19 year old hard titted chick with a Nun-tight snatch, and 6 ounces of fat on her...

But the reality is that women suck in bed until they get truly comfortable with themselves, and that doesn't really seem to happen until 24-26-ish...

****

All in all though it sounds like things are going well, and you've got your head about you tighter than most!

[Swole4Life]

"Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten"

Well that's ****in confusing.

[Nainoa]

Well that's ****in confusing.

It just needs a little puncuation and structure...

It would be best to say... "Remember the things that are worth remembering and let go of the things that are best forgotten."

[Mikeo]

Well that's ****in confusing.

hahah yeh I heard it and thought it would be appropriate

[AshtonUK]

2 months now, still not any better :-| sometimes i really just want to text her, i know it's her birthday comming up so im tempted to either text or send a card...what do you guys think?

[Nainoa]

2 months now, still not any better :-| sometimes i really just want to text her, i know it's her birthday comming up so im tempted to either text or send a card...what do you guys think?

Assuming your grandmother is dead...

Would you text your dead Grandmother... Would you leave a friggin' birthday card on her grave?

Especially in the state you're in... This chick is Dead to you...

It will do you no good to contact her...

You are mourning the death of the life you once had... And until you end your suffering by looking at the life you have before you... You will continue to suffer...

Contacting the ex, will only serve to dellude you from true healing, and prolong your suffering...

****

Now... And I mean Right now... I want you to pick something positive in your future and do something about it...

You've got a shoulder operation coming up... Look up info on your shoulder injury to know more about it... Or call a buddy and make plans to go out and do something constructive this weekend. (Preferably not just go out and get wasted.)

You need to embrace your mutha F*ckin' future, and stop playing around in the **** hole of your past!

[Swole4Life]

Assuming your grandmother is dead...

Would you text your dead Grandmother... Would you leave a friggin' birthday card on her grave?

Especially in the state you're in... This chick is Dead to you...

It will do you no good to contact her...

You are mourning the death of the life you once had... And until you end your suffering by looking at the life you have before you... You will continue to suffer...

Contacting the ex, will only serve to dellude you from true healing, and prolong your suffering...

****

Now... And I mean Right now... I want you to pick something positive in your future and do something about it...

You've got a shoulder operation coming up... Look up info on your shoulder injury to know more about it... Or call a buddy and make plans to go out and do something constructive this weekend. (Preferably not just go out and get wasted.)

You need to embrace your mutha F*ckin' future, and stop playing around in the **** hole of your past!

Yep, although SO much ****in easier said than done.

I try, and then I fail. I always think about her, and how we could have been together forever, she could have been the only girl I'd ever slept with, and vise versa. She could have been my only love, and I could have been with her forever. That is what makes this specific girl so hard to let go of, and I think the same goes to Ashton.

Every morning I lay in bed and think about what i could have done x time ago, and we would not be in this situation right now. But not it is totally out of my hands. I just think... . I wish I could have learned about relationships with another girl, and taken my experience on to use it with my ex. And it could have been right... . But because of my inexperience I feel I ruined it, although I know I treated her better than any relationship I have ever seen.

There were still my immature mistakes, along with her. It's never just me to blame, but sometimes its hard to tell myself that, because girls are good at making you think it's all your fault in the end. Jealousy, a big factor. Clinginess on both our parts.

Her being clingy resulted in the ultimate demise of our relationship. Because I coulnd't handle it, and it would result in me getting angry. She would not ever let up, until I got angry one to many times with her, and it pushed her away. And at that moment, the first day I saw the results, the damage was unrepairable. If I had of known to handle the situation in a mature manner, rather than resorting to anger to push her away, it would have made a BIG difference.

Then when she was pushed away I became clingy. Which just sped up the process of the relationship ending. She still claims to this day if I had of given her space she would still be around. True or not, I don't know. Because it all started when her grandma died, and then her grandpa was forced to go to a home because her grandma took care of him. Then he slowly died. This was when she became distant. So the ultimate end of our relationship still confuses the hell out of me.

Was it the grandparents that triggered it? Because she felt I would abandon her as they did? And then as she distanced herself, she made herself think of all the bad in our relationship, in order to save herself from future pain by losing me. So basically she focused on the bad, so she could leave me, and not worry about the pain of me leaving in the future, as her grandparents did. And then me being clingy on top of it all amplified the situation.

Gooood it's so confusing. It all happened at exactly the same time, so I'll never totally understand what happened.

Sorry I sorta went on a bit longer than expected there

[Nainoa]

Yep, although SO much ****in easier said than done.

I try, and then I fail. I always think about her, and how we could have been together forever, she could have been the only girl I'd ever slept with, and vise versa. She could have been my only love, and I could have been with her forever. That is what makes this specific girl so hard to let go of, and I think the same goes to Ashton.

Every morning I lay in bed and think about what i could have done x time ago, and we would not be in this situation right now. But not it is totally out of my hands. I just think... . I wish I could have learned about relationships with another girl, and taken my experience on to use it with my ex. And it could have been right... . But because of my inexperience I feel I ruined it, although I know I treated her better than any relationship I have ever seen.

There were still my immature mistakes, along with her. It's never just me to blame, but sometimes its hard to tell myself that, because girls are good at making you think it's all your fault in the end. Jealousy, a big factor. Clinginess on both our parts.

Her being clingy resulted in the ultimate demise of our relationship. Because I coulnd't handle it, and it would result in me getting angry. She would not ever let up, until I got angry one to many times with her, and it pushed her away. And at that moment, the first day I saw the results, the damage was unrepairable. If I had of known to handle the situation in a mature manner, rather than resorting to anger to push her away, it would have made a BIG difference.

Then when she was pushed away I became clingy. Which just sped up the process of the relationship ending. She still claims to this day if I had of given her space she would still be around. True or not, I don't know. Because it all started when her grandma died, and then her grandpa was forced to go to a home because her grandma took care of him. Then he slowly died. This was when she became distant. So the ultimate end of our relationship still confuses the hell out of me.

Was it the grandparents that triggered it? Because she felt I would abandon her as they did? And then as she distanced herself, she made herself think of all the bad in our relationship, in order to save herself from future pain by losing me. So basically she focused on the bad, so she could leave me, and not worry about the pain of me leaving in the future, as her grandparents did. And then me being clingy on top of it all amplified the situation.

Gooood it's so confusing. It all happened at exactly the same time, so I'll never totally understand what happened.

Sorry I sorta went on a bit longer than expected there

See this is exactly what I'm f*ckin' talking about...

Where is your focus in what you're saying here...

Your focus is on the past... On things that you cannot ever change...

You're standing in the burnt out rubble of a house, and trying to mash two cinder charred sticks together to hope you can have that house back, and all you're doing is making a mess of your hands... YOU CAN'T UNBURN THE HOUSE!

What's done is done...

And yes there is some wisdom to glean from what happened... But now is not the time to plumb the depths of the past...

Right now there is a storm coming in... That storm is the ramifications of a life put on hold to suffer... And you're just standing out in a charred black pit...

You need to find shelter... And that Shelter is in embracing your future...

Once you build the new house of self-satisfying identity... THEN you can look back... See the foibles of the moment, absorb the wisdom in them, and truly make yourself stronger...

***

All you're doing right now is failing to listen to the advice your mother gave you back in the day... "If you pick at it, it will never heal."

Now listen to your mother, and start making some forward steps... After all... The storm of your life is going to come in on you whether you like it or not...

[Swole4Life]

See this is exactly what I'm f*ckin' talking about...

Where is your focus in what you're saying here...

Your focus is on the past... On things that you cannot ever change...

You're standing in the burnt out rubble of a house, and trying to mash two cinder charred sticks together to hope you can have that house back, and all you're doing is making a mess of your hands... YOU CAN'T UNBURN THE HOUSE!

What's done is done...

And yes there is some wisdom to glean from what happened... But now is not the time to plumb the depths of the past...

Right now there is a storm coming in... That storm is the ramifications of a life put on hold to suffer... And you're just standing out in a charred black pit...

You need to find shelter... And that Shelter is in embracing your future...

Once you build the new house of self-satisfying identity... THEN you can look back... See the foibles of the moment, absorb the wisdom in them, and truly make yourself stronger...

***

All you're doing right now is failing to listen to the advice your mother gave you back in the day... "If you pick at it, it will never heal."

Now listen to your mother, and start making some forward steps... After all... The storm of your life is going to come in on you whether you like it or not...

I'm moving on, never fear. Workin on a roommate, and I'm peace outtin from Ontario to Medicine Hat in Alberta to start a new life. I have nothing to leave behind, so I won't miss a thing. Packin up and gettin on a plane and leavin without sayin a thing to my Ex. Not talking to her again.

Medicine Hat is a boomtown due to oil, so I figure it's a good place to head. And in the city of 60,000 there are 100 national parks! How nice would that be. I'm gonna get a dog shipped to me from the dog kennel where I worked previously. Go there, buy a blanket and a pillow, and sleep on the floor and play guitar. Get a job, and work my way up from scratch on the knowledge I have learned so far. It's like a re birth. Only with knowledge of life. Feels quite refreshing actually.

And when I come home to visit, and I've made something of myself, she'll regret it. That's part of my motivation

[JonZ]

Regret is a part of life. I have so many it would take hours to go through here.

You dont whine and cry. You dont crawl under a rock,you learn from it.What have you learned? You be a man and move on.

Move on or just end it all becuase the facts are your going to go through alot more disappointment before life is through( and often by the people you care about the most).

Oh yea, read the second sig below.

[guest89]

4 years and over a chat-room, thats harsh bro...

thats a very long time..yes i believe that some people after a long time change...the connection just aint there anymore. I odnt envy your position at all, i was there not long ago albeit it was a smaller lengh relationship.

stay strong, and just occupy your mind with something else, time will take over..

My aunt was with her husband for over 20 years and left him for someone she met over the internet. IN A CHAT ROOM.

At least you didnt marry this girl... Thats one good thing.