worst sex mishap you've ever had?

[hungover]

Haha oh yea one more... not as bad but still funny...

Me and my gf at the time (we were 16 and 17) were in the pool swimming. My sister and her brother were swimming too. So my girl was kinda on my lap in the shallow end, she's kinda grinding/touching me so i'm hard.

About a minute later she gets up and stands up and goes "hey throw me into the deep end!"... I pause and i'm just like "nawww". So she's like "why not? wait... ohhhh". Then our siblings get completely disgusted when they realized what had happened... quite embarassing.

so your brother too?

[Hugh Jazz]

Snuck into my mates wardrobe to watch him bang this stripper (no homo)

She was f**kin gorgeous, big tits, face ass etc.

With my vigorous jerking my elbow hit the coat rack and his whole wardrobe collapsed on top of me.

The girl screamed, jumped up and ran outta the room. My mate was pretty pissed off about it all, fair enough I guess.

hahaha that's awesome.

[PatrickBateman1]

so your brother too?

No, my girls brother.

[Black_Collar]

fighting her boyfriend in the lounge naked with a stiffy

If that doesnt win for funniest ****, the fact you could keep it up while beating the crap outta someone rules.

[Dash007]

Farting upon getting off, it gets extra loud if you ass is sweaty

[hungover]

fighting her boyfriend in the lounge naked with a stiffy

that.is.awesome


1. with a chick who has a boyfriend
2. obviously got caught red-handed ****ing her
3. fighting him with a raging boner
4. probably won due to epicness of situation

[Muscle1.]

Okay, my ex and me were ****ing one time. She was riding cowgirl like a whore. Next thing you know there was this clear liquid all over me, kinda hot too. I was like WTF, did you just cum on me, she's like nah...Wasn't piss either too sticky..Wasn't from me, still don't know WTF it was but I stopped and went outside to go swimming.

[wingnutks]

some of these responses are great!
This girl was giving me head while I was laying down, she was on the bed on her knees to my side. I am just about to get off, so I warn her. She pulls my dick out of her mouth and says "what?" and whammo! right in her ear! Not in her hair, or on her ear, IN HER EAR! I could not reproduce a shot like that if I tried!
Also I feel you guys on the broken dick! This one girl has the strongest pussy muscles I have ever felt, ever. Alot of times if she is about to get off, no matter how wet she is, it will rip the condom right off my dick. Also, it contracts so damn hard that it actually starts to pull my dick out of her. She was riding me, got too excited, and a combination of going up a little too high and the contracting of the muscles.... broken penis. It has happend before with other women, but this actually continued to hurt for hours later.

The cowgirl position will never be the same again... it will always be in the back of my mind. Could this be the last thrust my dick ever experiences...

[Adam444]

My girl tried to wake me up today by giving me head... I guess she wanted a quick-**** before work... but I'm not waking up at 4:45 to get some punani...

I was like "ooohh... yah.... snoreeeee"

I guess she gave up after I fell asleep... lol

[kelso]

One time I was with this chick, and she was a wild one.. (introduced me to all kinds of **** I didnt know girls liked). Anyway, Shes using my ears as a hold holder and im going as hard as i can, shes all like faster, harder, faster... so I try to accomodat, i guess I got a little outta hand cause i slipped out and went right to the ass, she screamed, i had broken dick lol.. Was embarrasing, she was hurting for a while.. Then to top it off, she told my brother and friends about it the next night..

[2XL]

hadn't fapped or had sex in like a week. pulled out and shot a load from like 5 feet away and the first big glob sprayed right into her eye. It was bloodshot for a couple days after that; looked like she had conjunctavitis

[igotalotofrice]

I also accidently PIITB of my ex.


20 mins of her crying, and me apologizing and i was able to continue PIITV.

I hear ya there

[mike0093_OLDONE]

When I get so drunk I can't get it up..owned

[jumper21987]

was in my ex g/f's basement and we decided to go at it. it was one of those nights where you are like "this is gonna be a good one". about 2 or 3 minutes into the banging, her mom comes down and says "oh my god" and runs back up the stairs. the girl immediately starts crying and i was like ahhh **** cuz i didnt even get to finish. never gonna forget that one

[qualitywah]

this thread is funny. bump

one night my gf wanted to try somehting new. so she told me to put my dick between her tits and jugg**** her. (she was on her back while i was over her) after a while i was nearly about to blow my load i slid forward a bit and asked for head. well she didn't know what i had in store for her or what was coming. so after about 5 secs of recieving head i blow my load straight down her through. she guzzles half of it down then chokes the rest up. lol she told me later that when i first started to cum she just thought she was producing a lot of extra saliva then the motherload came

[HarryJDavidson]

When I lost my man-hymen I experienced what a fart looks like first hand. Doggy-style + gassy girl = ew. Totally killed my woody.

[Lunatic]

Blew my load up an ex's nose when I told her I was coming. She looked up at me and said, "What?" exactly when I erupted. Her nose started bleeding.

Was on Xtc, which makes you chew on your own tongue if you have no gum, and I was going down on the ex, slobbing on her famous beef curtains, when I accidentally chomped down on the gum in my mouth. I also had her clit between my teeth when I happened to suddenly need the jaws of life to open my mouth. She screamed at me, but ultimately let me go back at it. About 20 minutes later.... same thing happened in the same spot..... She was pissed. (SERIOUS)

Pulled out to blow my load on the ex's stomach, and somehow it shot up to her face and in to her eye. I was aiming DOWN at her stomach too. Don't understand that ****.

Was pounding the **** out of one of my ex's, and I really mean ****ing giving it to her. Every time I thrusted forward, the sound of a clap echoed throughout the house. It was like an earthquake in her bat **** smelling vagina, but she wanted a worldquake, so I tried to give that to her. I then began to throw my hips forward as hard and fast as I could, which also made me pull back faster and harder. She didn't tell me that her vagina was so shallow when I was doing this, so on one particular thrust that could have penetrated to the Earth's core, I hit her ****ing brain through her hatchet wound, and when that happened she kind of hop backwards. When she hopped backwards, I was in the middle of my vagina retreat. I didn't realize that my snake had gotten temporarily evicted from it's warm, wet home until I thrusted forward like the thrust of 1000 angry Gods.... It would've been nice if the snake would've gone back home, but it instead found its home in a warm, muddy place that soon became swamped with blood. She jumped back again, and what followed was the worst sounding and smelling thing I think I've ever encountered. I heard a rumble like that of 1000lb man that hasn't eaten for 5 days that just saw a 10lb hamburger covered in icing. The rumble that probably woke China was then followed by a smell that I cannot fully describe. Try to imagine the worse smell you've ever smelt and sprinkle **** flakes on it. After the rumble that shook the world and the smell that destroyed my use of my nose for life happened, she began crying. I had to act like I was sorry, but she shouldn't have jumped back when I went for the skull with my thrusting. The worst thing was that there was blood, ****, and tears all over my bed after this ordeal. She never once apologized for hurting my dick either (SERIOUS)

Another that I remember is that my ex was riding me like a jockey riding Seabiscuit, and for some ****ing reason she thought it'd be funny to hop up and down on my meatstick. With each "hop" came a fresh breath of air for my skin flute, but she got sloppy, I guess. Instead of hopping straight up and down, she began to hop straight up and come down in a way I never knew. It was some weird motion, but she turned my dick in to a right angle when she missed the hole with my cock, making my pole run straight in to an area that was not capable of being penetrated. Did she care? NO. She heard my cries of agony, so she reached for my cock, gripped it, and then started moving it around like a joystick to "help me." ****....






All of those have happened, and I'm dead serious.

I win

[basshead444]

Okay, my ex and me were ****ing one time. She was riding cowgirl like a whore. Next thing you know there was this clear liquid all over me, kinda hot too. I was like WTF, did you just cum on me, she's like nah...Wasn't piss either too sticky..Wasn't from me, still don't know WTF it was but I stopped and went outside to go swimming.

Vaginal discharge, means youre doing a good job. I was ****ing this one girl in my bed one time, me on top. Afterwards there was a huge wet spot on the bed and my boxers were all crusty the next morning. But I got ass so it was all good.

When I get so drunk I can't get it up..owned

Im seriously going to start carrying an emergency supply of viagra for such a situation.

[TerpMuscle]

some of these responses are great!
This girl was giving me head while I was laying down, she was on the bed on her knees to my side. I am just about to get off, so I warn her. She pulls my dick out of her mouth and says "what?" and whammo! right in her ear! Not in her hair, or on her ear, IN HER EAR! I could not reproduce a shot like that if I tried!
Also I feel you guys on the broken dick! This one girl has the strongest pussy muscles I have ever felt, ever. Alot of times if she is about to get off, no matter how wet she is, it will rip the condom right off my dick. Also, it contracts so damn hard that it actually starts to pull my dick out of her. She was riding me, got too excited, and a combination of going up a little too high and the contracting of the muscles.... broken penis. It has happend before with other women, but this actually continued to hurt for hours later.

The cowgirl position will never be the same again... it will always be in the back of my mind. Could this be the last thrust my dick ever experiences...

You found yourself a snapper. any girl that can push you out is always good. congrats.

[gympunk]

Most embarassing (almost) got my 1st blowjob:

Went swimming at a pond in the middle of nowhere with my girl right after graduating HS, we were making out on the little beach she rolled me over on my back pulled off my trunks started kissing & rubbing my legs, grabbed ahold of my hard-on, was leaning over me mouth open & when she rubbed my balls I just shot off all over myself like a roman candle!!! A huge pornstar orgasm, she just knelt there looking surprised. I had jizz dripping off my chin & neck!!

Years ago when my wife & I were 1st dating we were going doggie on her couch, I was kneeling with 1 leg up on the arm, with 1 foot on the floor. When we started to cum I was pounding so hard that we both lost balance & went tumbling on to the floor. Strangest orgasm of my life.

[DL Addict]

I had sex in front of my ex's sister. my ex also gave me a BJ in front of her other sister...that was awesome, since she kept taking it out and instructing her sister on what she was doing.

Wife had just had a biopsy on her cervix. Well, since there is bleeding, the doc inserts a tampon, and she has to keep it in for a day or so, then return to have it removed. The day after it was removed, we decide to have sex. So I am eating her out, and I feel something weird touching my tongue. Well, i guess the blood made the outside (absorbent part) of the tampon stick to the inside wall of her vag. F**king disgusting. I then proceeded to try and pull this sh*t out with tweezers, which was a major fail. She had to go back to the doctor, and they removed it. Sh*tty experience.

Another time, my wife and I had just purchased a new california king bed. I had put it together, so we hoped on to take it for a ride. I was pounding it hard, and all of a sudden, the bed dropped to the floor with a crash. I didn't engage the lower brace. Ouch. Had to fix the bed, then finish.

[Irish Bastard]

Guess im the only one this has happened too....

Went out with this chick and I got smashed. We go back to her place and bang out round one. Im lying there on her bed and she starts giving me head trying to get me ready for round two. I get this feeling like im about to blow so I push her head of my dick just in time to piss all over her, myself and her bed.

She still eneded up letting me hit a couple times after that.

[Storms of War]

When my girlfriend first started letting me go down on her I used to do it all the time. Even if someone was in the next room, I'd grab my girlfriend, throw her on the couch or whatever and start eating her out. All the damn time. Who the f*ck am I kidding. I'm still doing that 4 years later.

One night, I had been running on an hour of sleep for something like 35 hours. My girlfriend got frisky with me and I guess my body was messed up due to lack of sleep. She was on top of me and after like 5 minutes, I ****ing threw her up, covered her vag with my arm and proceeded to cum all over my own stomach. I guess that's what they call premature ejaculation? It just came out of nowhere. I felt it JUST in time. That's never happened to me before. We were both ****ting pickles, because she hadn't been able to get her birth control that month, plus we weren't sure if I blocked my cum from getting in her.

One time, my girlfriend was about to go down on me and all of a sudden, she turned her head, her jaw dropped and her eyes went wide. I looked over to see what she was looking at and her brother was standing there with the exact same expression on her face. So I'm sitting there with my dick half out watching two sibling stare at one another like they just jumped into a lake in Alaska in the heart of winter. Apparently, he didn't see anything and thought she was just making a weird face at him, so he returned the facial expression

A few weeks back, me and the gf were having sex, but we were trying to be slick about it since everyone was home at her house. We were under her covers in a spooning position and her brother walks in. He goes wide eyed and screams, "DAAAAAAAAAADDD!!! I FOUND SOMETHING!!!!!" Her dad goes, "WHAT!?" in an angry sounding voice, almost like he knew what we were doing. Then her brother screams out, "I FOUND A JOB!", looks at us with a smile on is face as if to say, "I got you motherf*ckers at my mercy", then turns and walks out. My girlfriend and I were scared ****less. We seriously thought we were ****ed. Not that her dad could kick my ass or something, but her family loves me and that would have done some irreparable damage between me and them.

After going down on me for more than 15-20 minutes, my gf's jaw starts to hurt. Sometimes she pulls off and jerks me off for a little while until I get closer. Then she finishes me off by giving me head. Twice now, I've told her I was getting close, then as her mouth covered my wang I told her I was about to cum...as I was cumming. It wasn't intentional. I guess I just have poor timing lol.

[natec]

1) i was 16 and getting blown on my couch and i was about to finish and the girl didnt wanna swallow and wen i came she turned her heard and my nut went into her ear.....i didnt no wtf to do so i went to get her Qtips and when she tried to get my jizz outta her ear a whole punch of jizz and yellow **** that comes outta your ears came out i wanted to puke but i laughed it off in the end.....then the next day my cat loves Qtips and he took it outta the bathroom trash and was hitting a couple of them around the house and my mom picked them up and said ew and threw it out....

2) this was recent like 2 weeks ago but i was hitting my gf doggy after finally convincing her (so prude until me) but anyways i am ramming the **** outta her on my bed and i guess i got a little to into it and thrusted her so hard that **** moved forward and hit her head into my wall. the sheet rocked caved in a little that you could see the damage i did to my wall so i just covered it up with a little poster lol

[faulkner7]

my best bud got sacked so hard ripped his sack open, and he can't have stiffies anymore

i cant help but laugh everytime i see him now:|

[createenjock]

Most embarassing (almost) got my 1st blowjob:
Went swimming at a pond in the middle of nowhere with my girl right after graduating HS, we were making out on the little beach she rolled me over on my back pulled off my trunks started kissing & rubbing my legs, grabbed ahold of my hard-on, was leaning over me mouth open & when she rubbed my balls I just shot off all over myself like a roman candle!!! A huge pornstar orgasm, she just knelt there looking surprised. I had jizz dripping off my chin & neck!!
.

LOL! Her job was easy!

#1. When my X gf & me started dating 2 yrs ago and would just be making out nothing too hot I would get so excited for so long that prolly 6 times I came in my shorts just from her barely rubbing my dick. She'd touch it and splat.

#2. With the same gf she was laying with her head on my chest giving me a handjob. She didnt' know how good it flet and howfar my cum would shoot, when I busted it shot up across herr face up in her hair and all over her arm
adn shoulder. She wasn't happy, but wasn' really mad- just SURPRISED!

[Electrical]

BURING BED SHEETS!

yeah, i was with this sort of death metal chick, not oo goth, but with the black dyed hair.. so anyway, were going at it and she thinks its a good idea to light some candles around the bed for some athmosphere (more like a ritual sacrifice). so we totally go at it hard style and her damn nylon bed sheets fall on to the candles in the middle of doing the nasty. suddenly everything is up in flames! shes still on me, and im tryin to slap out the fire with my hands while still having her not stop and ride away... well the fire went out but the damn buring nylon turned to plastic and melted in to my skin... yeah i still have scars on my hand but i did get to finish the plow...

[Ripped Mass]

mine is pretty lame. girl was giving me amazing head for 20 minutes. I mean it was really focking good, the toe curling kind of head. so i had planned on focking her that night and she kept getting me close so i told her to stop and i put in the vagina. she had gotten me so worked up. i came like 5 minutes later. then i got up, apologized and left. never focked her again even though she called me the next day and asked me to come over lol. my pride was hurt. i couldnt do it.

[achievasc92]

Drunk, on futon, braced hands on mattress and armrest to re position myself, push up, right hand slips, punch her in face, broken nose.

[theend2]

5th page and in before Proteinpumps DP story.