Telling your friends you don't want to help them anymore

[michellejenkins]

I need help!! My co-workers and family see how motivated I am to lose weight. The mini meals, the gym work outs on my lunch break and after work. They've also seen my weight loss. I spend A LOT of time researching everything that goes into my mouth and what I do with my body. I have not hired a trainer because I'm in law school and basically broke. Haha, but back on point, they all want to lose weight, too.

So I tell them, go to bb.com or here is what I eat and give them a meal by meal plan of what I eat. FINE. But then they read some crap in ladie's home journel about how carbs are bad or they think 1400 calories is too much, or they don't want to look like a man lifting weights YET... they still want me to help them lose weight and go to the gym with them?! WTF!!! If anything, I'm wasting my time at the gym losing MY workouts and taking time learning for ME and wasting it on people who don't even give a damn. Only one of my friends has taken advice from bb.com and she, too, is succeeding. Everyone else = LARD.

So my question to this forum is, how do I tell the non-motivated girls who want a "simple out" that I cannot help them anymore? I've already been label a bitch because I told a girl not to dilly dally at the gym with her g-damn effin' makeup because we had to lift. I want people to be healthy but the way I see it, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make 'em drink.

[gfundaro]

There's no rule that says you have to help them. Sure, it's nice, but if you've already given them suggestions, the rest is up to them.
One of my old friends used to ask to come along...well, she lasted all of one workout with me hehe Just explain to them how you perform your workout, and that you're not a certified personal trainer and you need to stick to your schedule for an effective workout. You can refer them to bb.com where they can do their OWN research.

[michellejenkins]

Originally Posted by gfundaro

There's no rule that says you have to help them. Sure, it's nice, but if you've already given them suggestions, the rest is up to them.
One of my old friends used to ask to come along...well, she lasted all of one workout with me hehe Just explain to them how you perform your workout, and that you're not a certified personal trainer and you need to stick to your schedule for an effective workout. You can refer them to bb.com where they can do their OWN research.

So IRONIC coming from you because I always ask YOU for help. Hahaha, but you know I listen to you!!!!!

[pirouette]

I've gotten this too. It gets easier to just change the subject or you can just repeat the same stuff. My usual comments are "you have to have a balanced diet", "fad diets don't work long term", "give up the beer", or "work out more".
I have a cousin who's conviced that working out makes her fat.

[Sable_Strenua]

i can so relate to this...

except one of my friends is using this appetite suppressant pill, she won't tell me what program, and she heard my stance on those types of things along with the importance of thoroughly researching the ingredient list and know what's going into your body.

her dad, a medical doctor also told her that it was bad news but hey she's "lost SOOooo much weight!!" I told her the diet & fitness industry is the only industry that gets paid to fail (someone had that as a sig here, stayed with me ever since). her response? "well how come i'm losing weight then?"

this was after she told me (in the same convo) that the orientation they told them that they will probably have to take this pill for the rest of their life in order to maintain their weight lost. Hmm. I told her, "well lets see what happens as soon as you get OFF that 'magic pill' of theirs"

I think she finds me unsupportive b/c i refuse to congratulate her on the weight loss...thing is, i can't support something that was achieved in an unhealthy means no matter how happy she is about it.

[Telle]

All I can say is that you need to be assertive with what you are willing to do and if they choose to follow something else then step back and next time they ask be polite and say that at this point you're unable to help them.

[gfundaro]

Originally Posted by michellejenkins

So IRONIC coming from you because I always ask YOU for help. Hahaha, but you know I listen to you!!!!!

Heheh I don't mind giving out the information. But if you have to repeat yourself or you can see it's going in one ear and out the other, that is frustrating! I know you are working hard and I'm glad to help someone so determined

[No-Exit]

In techie talk - RTFM. Read the F*ing Manual. It's what you say to those lazy people who refuse to think for themselves and want all the answers handed to them even though you spent your time researching to get where you're at... so they waste everyone's time by not learning anything and asking you the same thing over and over. People dont deserve help unless they've put at least some effort into figuring things out for themselves first. The answers are all out there... and they're even FREE. Sounds like you've done everything but get on the treadmill for them.

The alternative is taking them to the gym once and putting them through a workout they wont soon forget. That'll get them off your back.

By the way, who said there was anything wrong with being labeled a bitch? Who's wrong here? Lazy people who accuse you of not helping because they suck at life? Or you for only putting up with so much before you decide you come first?

[SCRAM]

I have tried to help so many over the years. I would help them with nutrition,wait to do my workout when they could do theirs,motivate them,and so much more. Just to get let down in the end by there lack of dedication. I have always thought if I just get through to one of them then it may be worth it. Fact is there is not many out there that can do the things we do. If it were easy everybody would do it. I like the idea of just sending them here . To all of you that are sticking with it my hat is off to you and wish you luck.

[foxrider1]

i hate when people dont listen to you

theres not much you can do really.

[Mitsuomi]

people in general are lazy. they always find the easy way out whether its steroid usage or taking some BS diet pill without actually doing cardio or working out in general. people like that are pathetic IMO. they cant even help themselves so they get a drug to help them.

dont worry about your "friends" OP. let them call you what they want but in the end its their loss. you tried to help them but wont take your advice. screw them and find new friends that are supportive and will actually listen to what you have to say.

[nockowt1]

Not too long ago a female friend of mine was telling me about how much weight she's gained since high school. She asked me for some suggestions to help her lose weight. I suggested a workout plan and the first thing she said to me when saw free weight exercises was that she just wanted to "tone". I proceeded to tell her how "toning" has nothing to do with using machines, but she wasn't hearing it. I also told her how basic free weight movements would net the best gains. I then suggested that she come to this site for more ideas. Since the site is called bodybuilding.com she automatically assumed it was only for big guys that lift weights. She told me again how she just wanted to "tone". I started to get pissed because she wouldn't even check the site out before making a judgment about it. I haven't spoken to her since. I'm very willing to help people out, but if they know better than I do why ask for my help?

Sometimes being nice is overrated.

[OnTheRoad]

If anyone has asked me to help them my answer is and always will be

"I am sorry but I am such a b*#ch, I have no patience with other people and you would end up hating me! Feel free to borrow any of my magazines "

It is true, I could never be a personal trainer..lol

[zinc_apple]

My two best friends and I are overweight since schooldays... I woke up from destroying myself with fattening foods and non-existent exercise and went on a diet and exercise... For 8 yrs, I had been trying to get my 2 friends to exercise and diet... And the excuses that they gave me was too busy, afraid to grow too big, etc...One of them even went to a slimming centre competition and within 6 mths back to the 'before' weight and growing..
Yet, everytime we met up, they will ask me wat i did and wat kind of fat loss medicine I took...

I am very frustrated... They r my 2 best mates but yet, they cant wake up from their self denial state... I gave up on them since few years back... They r living their lifes, not mine... I only can help them when they really want to help themselves.

[Revmachine21]

I have two different strategies dealing with people...

My first strategy is to give them homework. "Here! Weigh and log all your food into Fitday.com for 2 weeks, then I will sit down &b review with you and help tune your diet. I'm really so excited about this!"

I've never had anybody come back to my after two weeks. If somebody did, I'd be ecstatic.

My second strategy is to basically f@#$ with people a little in a light hearted way. Reserved for people I know and like well. They'll tell me how healthy X is, then I explain why it's not. We repeat until pretty much everything on their plate is excluded and inedible. Then I say "bon appetite" and "Tell me how much you love me."

[JoyP]

I have a problem with a friend and I'm unsure why I'm even writing this here!! But any suggestions would be gratefully received...

I started running with her in about August 2006, We ran fairly regularly for a year but no program as such as we both lead hectic lives & weather here in England (we ran outside), it wasn't such a problem as I'd go in the gym when I next could & do my cardio & a bit of lifting. Then I found this site & took advice to drop my cardio down & concentrate on my lifting to achieve my goals - and it's working! Slowly we've almost stopped running together altogether as she had to run very early on a morning and I got into a good routine at the gym. The last time we ran I told her I didn't want to do anymore long runs (over an hour) as I didn't want to burn muscle, I asked her if she wanted to come in the gym with me instead, she got quite upset, said that running long distance will not burn my muscle & she didn't want to lift as she wants to loose weight :s (even though it's quite clear I am loosing more BF since I started lifting more...), she hasn't spoken to me since... I felt terrible but told myself I have to concentrate on my own goals.
Then last week her husband called to say that her dad had just died, he'd been sick a while, I popped a card through the door the next day as she wasn't home, then texted her yesterday to see how she's doing & to let her know I'm here for her, she replied saying she's not doing well at all & needs to get back to some kind of a routine with her running & asked me to text her so we can sort out what days we can run....

I feel like a total B*tch cos I want to be there for her, but I can't drop my own workout routine and go back to the way things were. I'm going to suggest she comes to the gym with me again but I know she'll say no... I feel like I'm letting her down but what can I do!
Also, and this is going to sound very b*tchy on my part... she's quite a negative, depressive person and I always feel low when I've been around her, I'm not mentally strong enough myself to be able to deal with that much negativity & it got to the point were I started to feel depressed after my runs which was very hard for me to snap out of. Since I've not seen as much of her & being in control of my own workout I feel so much happier, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I really don't want to go back to feeling so down & understandably she's going to be very, very depressed over loosing her dad so she'll be at an all time low...

Sorry for such a long post.

[luvtohang]

When people ask me how I lost my weight, I would just tell them I eat healthy and worked out. That usually makes them lose interest right away. Once they realize that your success comes from hard work and dedication and not some magic pill, they no longer want to hear your advice.

I feel that if someone truly wants help or advice, it is my duty to help, but only if they want it and ask for it. I never force my life on anyone or even talk about it unless they bring up the topic.

No one can motivate or make someone get healthy, eat right or exercise.

[norinicole]

I know the feeling. There have been so many people that are 'amazed' that I have a son, and 'how did you do it?'. Hard work, and lots of it. I have yet to have a workout partner (outside of going with my bf) who is at the same level as I am.

JoyP - you are not being a b*#ch, you're offering some support. If those runs made you feel so horrible, why would you put yourself in the same situation again? I'd try to get your friend to come with you to the gym. There's nothing like that high you get after busting your butt. Although if she's refusing to believe that she can 'tone' and lose weight by going to the gym, there's really nothing you can do. Just reinforce that the invitation to join you is there and that you have been feeling really great by going to the gym on a regular basis. Other than that there's not much you can do.

[michellejenkins]

glad to know I'm not the only one!!! I like all of your suggestions. I'm sure this will be a huge thread b/c so many people are experiencing it.

In psychology, we learn this joke "How many people does it take to change a light bulb?"

Answer: "1, but the lightbulb as to WANT TO CHANGE" we cannot force anyone or convince them that no magic pill is out there. IRONICALLY~ I've lost more weight in LESS time doing the "eat right and exericise diet" than i have on any pill.

[TragicBeauty]

Originally Posted by luvtohang

When people ask me how I lost my weight, I would just tell them I eat healthy and worked out. That usually makes them lose interest right away. Once they realize that your success comes from hard work and dedication and not some magic pill, they no longer want to hear your advice.

That's exactly why I started reading this forum because any other I've been to is all about the next fad diet/magic pill.

People know all that crap is bull****, but everyone loves taking the easy way out.

What I did is I just told my friends what days I go to the gym and if they wanted to come with me they could. Just work out as you had planned if they can't keep up make sure they brought their own transport so they can leave when they're done and let you finish what you started. Often times they'll come a couple of weeks (at most) and then not at all.

[Tiffany_P]

Joyp, that's a difficult situation. Maybe you can invite her for coffee or over for dinner instead of a physical activity.

[Tiffany_P]

Originally Posted by michellejenkins

IRONICALLY~ I've lost more weight in LESS time doing the "eat right and exericise diet" than i have on any pill.

That's not ironic. That's exactly what I would expect

[prosperity]

Originally Posted by JoyP

she replied saying she's not doing well at all & needs to get back to some kind of a routine with her running & asked me to text her so we can sort out what days we can run....

I really don't want to go back to feeling so down & understandably she's going to be very, very depressed over loosing her dad so she'll be at an all time low...

How important is she to you as a friend? Remember that old saying, something along the lines of "your friends are the family that you choose."

Remove the fact that her Dad died recently. Just forget about that for a second, if you can. Now think about your friendship with her. Is she someone you actually WANT to be friends with? Sometimes, we grow apart from friendships, and yet feel obligated to stay with the relationship to the detriment of ourselves and our own growth. It is okay to make a concious decision to cease being friends with someone... it doesn't make you a bitch, a horrible person, or even a selfish person. You can only do your best. You cannot control how another person thinks or feels or acts. All you can do is offer the knowledge that you have, and offer whatever support you can. If your friend decides not to listen, then that is her decision.

However, if you do want to stay friends with her, then the coffee (or something non-physical) is a good idea. Or ask her to come to the gym - even suggest that all she does is run on the treadmill or do cardio. At least that way you can work out how you want. And maybe she will be inspired by being in the gym.

Avoiding someone because they are constantly negative is not bitchy. It's self preservation. It is, in fact, courageous to decide that a relationship (with anyone) is no longer working for you.

[cnada]

Michelle, I have the PERFECT bit of advice for you. It's something from another forum--if anybody wants to know, PM me.

The Advice: No is a complete sentence.

That's it. Short, simple, to the point. If your friends start begging for your help, tell them NO.

[JoyP]

Thanks for the advice Norinicok, Tiffany-P & Prosperity (great help.

I offered her round for a coffee in my text & she declined, saying she needs a run not a coffee...
I'm going to ask her to come to the gym again with me again, if she declines then thats that really.
You guys were a great help. Thanks again.

[Shera]

Originally Posted by pirouette

I've gotten this too. It gets easier to just change the subject or you can just repeat the same stuff. My usual comments are "you have to have a balanced diet", "fad diets don't work long term", "give up the beer", or "work out more".
I have a cousin who's conviced that working out makes her fat.

i jsut love when i tell someone the proper way to eat after they ask my advice..and they retort with..."well, i dont want to devote my whole life to eating right! i still want to have a life" well then be fat i dont give a ****

[MommaJo]

Originally Posted by Shera

i jsut love when i tell someone the proper way to eat after they ask my advice..and they retort with..."well, i dont want to devote my whole life to eating right! i still want to have a life" well then be fat i dont give a ****

Ahahaha, this is so true! I've heard this one a lot. Just a few days ago I was talking to my (50 lbs overweight) guy friend online and mentioned that I was eating a grilled chicken breast with quinoa and green beans...he proceeded to tell me that he had 12 (I $h!t you not) eggs with cheese and butter for breakfast and later that evening he was going out for some serious steak with mashed potatoes and dessert, and how he hates all forms of whole grains and vegetables. Since he had been mentioning meals like that for a few days in a row at that point, I decided it was time to interfere and told him he can't eat so much saturated fat and completely avoid vegetables and whole grains (he literally doesn't eat ANY vegetables except for potatoes). His response? "Well, I'd rather live till 70 and eat whatever I want than live till 90 on green beans!"

Yeah, you MIGHT be lucky enough to make it to 70 on this type of diet with the help of modern medicine, but you will probably have your first heart attack at 35!


But you know what the REAL kicker is? This guy is a medical student and a former nurse!

*sigh*

ETA: also, my pet peeve is how they think that people who watch their diet and exercise NEVER have anything remotely tasty, or any junk food at all. I still treat myself to stuff, I just don't do it very often and only eat the junk I REALLY like - i.e. I'll pass on donuts because I don't care for them all that much so I can save room for cheesecake, which is something I really enjoy.

[firecracker3]

THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME...as a competitor, trainer, model whatever, I get asked by family, friends, coworkers, you name it.....I tell those I don't know well that though I would love to help it is my business and I put thought, research and time into all the plans and workouts I do. I then offer some basic info that I have saved in my computer lol and tell them if they need something specific then they can hire me....they usually don't though lol

For family/close friends it gets a little more sitcky. I explain to them that my time is valuable at the gym and try to find a time that they can come when I am not working out myself. It's tough -- I read somewhere that "health is the most envied but least sought after" and it's true. Be firm, explain your worries and situation.

[sixzebra]

I have an idea for you that works really well for me in these situations. Whenever anyone asks for my help I tell them before I help them they need to write out a food diary for one week. Trust me, only about 1 in 10 are even going to think about out.
Good Luck

[misstransformer]

Originally Posted by michellejenkins

I need help!! My co-workers and family see how motivated I am to lose weight. The mini meals, the gym work outs on my lunch break and after work. They've also seen my weight loss. I spend A LOT of time researching everything that goes into my mouth and what I do with my body. I have not hired a trainer because I'm in law school and basically broke. Haha, but back on point, they all want to lose weight, too.

So I tell them, go to bb.com or here is what I eat and give them a meal by meal plan of what I eat. FINE. But then they read some crap in ladie's home journel about how carbs are bad or they think 1400 calories is too much, or they don't want to look like a man lifting weights YET... they still want me to help them lose weight and go to the gym with them?! WTF!!! If anything, I'm wasting my time at the gym losing MY workouts and taking time learning for ME and wasting it on people who don't even give a damn. Only one of my friends has taken advice from bb.com and she, too, is succeeding. Everyone else = LARD.

So my question to this forum is, how do I tell the non-motivated girls who want a "simple out" that I cannot help them anymore? I've already been label a bitch because I told a girl not to dilly dally at the gym with her g-damn effin' makeup because we had to lift. I want people to be healthy but the way I see it, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make 'em drink.

First and foremost, it's great you're willing to help others, and I can tell you also don't want to offend anyone. However, you must honor yourself. This has to do with with setting boundaries, so it's best to be direct and upfront. State exactly what you've shared with all of us, but do so with gentleness and tact. There are exceptions, depending on my relationship with someone, but if a person implies lack of interest ONCE, regarding my time, opinion, etc...I move on, and leave the ball in their court. Those who are open to your advice, will show this by their actions. I hope things work out. Please don't have regrets for being honest and choosing not to waver on boundaries you've set. T