Funny - How to eat your favorite junk food and lose fat!

ndnguy85 · 09-13-2005, 04:37 PM

1. Eat donuts instead of solid pastries. You will be saving a tremendous number of calories by eating something with a hole in the middle. You can save upwards of 3 to 5 calories per pastry by doing this. That means if you eat 10 donuts, you've saved yourself almost 50 calories! Besides, everyone knows nuts are good for you...

2. French fries can help prevent heart attacks. It is a fact that French people suffer fewer heart attacks and have lower rates of heart disease. French fries are obviously from France, therefore it naturally follows that French fries can prevent heart disease.

3. Pizza is one of the healthiest foods on the planet. There are many reasons for this:

The bleached flour in the crust sucks up all the grease that drips down from the toppings, trapping it so you don't see it while you're eating. If you don't see it when you eat it, it has no calories.
It's round (stay with me here). Because square-shaped foods have corners, they contain a lot more calories than round foods. To save even more calories, cut a hole in the center of the pizza (refer back to #1 for full details).
The cheese on the pizza is loaded with calcium -- even more than the Tums you're going to need after eating the whole thing.
You can easily reduce your servings without sacrificing enjoyment. Instead of cutting the pizza into 8 slices, try cutting it into only 4. You've just eaten HALF the number of slices you ate before! Imagine how many calories you'll save by doing that!
Vegetables covered in grease are still vegetables. Never mind that all the nutrition has been baked out of them, you're still getting you're recommended daily servings of veggies.
There is plenty of fiber in the paper that's stuck to the bottom of the pizza. Don't be afraid of it.

4. Beer is the absolute best beverage you can drink when you're watching your waistline. It helps to put it right out there n
front you where you can see it.

5. Look for foods that have air bubbles in them. Examples include chocolate bars, Twinkies (after you suck the cream filling out), soda pop, sponge cake, and cheese puffs. As you know, air has no calories. Look at these foods as the wrapping for a low-calorie, low-fat serving of air.

6. Putting ketchup on anything makes it healthy. Think about it. You're getting your vegetables in a concentrated paste. It's like stepping into the future... today!!

7. Here are a number of delicious, zero-calorie foods you may not be aware of:

Anything eaten while standing has zero calories.
Anything eaten off somebody else's plate has zero calories.
Food sampled for "tasting" purposes during preparation has no calories.
Food sneaked from someone after you distract them is also calorie-free.
Anything eaten after the expiration date contains no calories.

8. Eating ice cream can actually help you burn an enormous amount of calories. The key to this lies in its temperature.

Ice cream is very cold. When you eat ice cream, your body must expend energy (a.k.a. calories) to warm it up to your internal body temperature.

When you work through the scientific formulas for heat conversion, you can see you will end up expending approximately 6,000 calories to heat up a small dish of ice cream to body temperature. Drinking ice cold beer with your ice cream amplifies this effect.

These diet tips should have you well on your way towards effectively peeling off pounds of unsightly fat.

funny stuff.

Adam444 · 09-13-2005, 05:00 PM

Try the ice cream and get back at me in a month

Mister_A · 09-13-2005, 05:07 PM

LOL

Those are pretty funny.

PURE_ENERGY · 09-13-2005, 06:34 PM

HAHAHA The icecream one was the best. lol

skelooth · 09-13-2005, 06:39 PM

lol awesome. "And we all know nuts are healthy" bwhahahahaha

Cortic · 09-13-2005, 07:24 PM

"Cuting my pizza into 4 slices instead of 8 means i dont eat as many slices!"...

Classic.

ndnguy85 · 09-13-2005, 09:30 PM

i wish i knew this stuff earlier. i just ate a bowl of icecream. kinda feels like i deadlifted 500lbs coupla times. i feel the burn.

Killazer · 09-13-2005, 09:34 PM

I just ate a whole frozen pizza 1600 some calories... I think I just gained a pound of muscle. Funny thing is most of the calories in this pizza suprisingly were carbs and protein so it wasnt that bad and I need the calories.

zelink · 09-13-2005, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ndnguy85

Ice cream is very cold. When you eat ice cream, your body must expend energy (a.k.a. calories) to warm it up to your internal body temperature.

When you work through the scientific formulas for heat conversion, you can see you will end up expending approximately 6,000 calories to heat up a small dish of ice cream to body temperature. Drinking ice cold beer with your ice cream amplifies this effect.

yep 600 calories is a lot... too bad that is 6Calories, or kilocarloies, which is what we base our nutrition info off of.

================

Quote:

Originally Posted by Killazer

I just ate a whole frozen pizza 1600 some calories... I think I just gained a pound of muscle. Funny thing is most of the calories in this pizza suprisingly were carbs and protein so it wasnt that bad and I need the calories.

yeah, I have noticed the digorno pizzas aren't too bad(not the greatest thing either but still), but anything take out will kill you.

HeRsHeE317 · 09-14-2005, 12:24 AM

lol funny stuff

Phreek · 09-14-2005, 05:14 AM

My girlfriend just got this email the other day from a friend...

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride

ndnguy85 · 09-14-2005, 06:27 AM

Phreek, thats hilarious.

Sarcasm about exercise is just funny.

Phreek · 11-26-2005, 11:11 AM

Had to bump this thread, my g/f got another funny one in here e mail. Doesn't relate to fat loss, but it does relate to what happens in some relationships...

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hmmmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story. "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you; I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister, and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co -worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story.

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"