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  1. #1
    Turkiyem Spark's Avatar
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    marrying a woman with child, experienced guys around ?

    here's the deal:

    i met this girl sometime ago and we fell in love. I really love her, as does she. She didn't tell me she had a daughter though (11), until after one month when i was in love.
    Anyway, thing is, she has one daughter. My parents are strongly against this marriage. My father said after some time that kid will bug you out. Everywhere you go you'll have to take her with you etc...

    Anyone have experience or sound advice about marrying a single mother ?
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  2. #2
    Registered User luvs2btan05's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Spark
    here's the deal:

    i met this girl sometime ago and we fell in love. I really love her, as does she. She didn't tell me she had a daughter though (11), until after one month when i was in love.
    Anyway, thing is, she has one daughter. My parents are strongly against this marriage. My father said after some time that kid will bug you out. Everywhere you go you'll have to take her with you etc...

    Anyone have experience or sound advice about marrying a single mother ?


    im a single mom of a almost 2 year old. ANd its tough to think that most guys believe that single moms are just easy Lays...which shows a sign of immaturity in my eyes. thats awesome that you are in love with her, and the fact that she has a daughter shouldnt change your mind about being in love with her.
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  3. #3
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    My stepfather has known me since I was 9. I'm 21 now...he had no problem with being my father and I see no favortism done between my sister and I.
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  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Spark
    here's the deal:

    i met this girl sometime ago and we fell in love. I really love her, as does she. She didn't tell me she had a daughter though (11), until after one month when i was in love.
    Anyway, thing is, she has one daughter. My parents are strongly against this marriage. My father said after some time that kid will bug you out. Everywhere you go you'll have to take her with you etc...

    Anyone have experience or sound advice about marrying a single mother ?
    the only thing that keeps me from thinking you are being a tool about this is that she didn't tell you about the kid before you were in love

    if you aren't capable of being a good father, then dont do it
    it wouldnt be fair to the kid or the mother
    as far as what your dad said, he is right
    the kid will be around most of the time

    like the movie says-
    single moms are a sacred thing
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  5. #5
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    1 month? what did she do hide the kid in the attic and feed her fish heads twice a week when you were in the house?

    it just seems weird. a whole month and its a big thing to keep secret. well you say your in love so no matter but what you have to think about now is do you get on well with the kid? because that s almost important as getting on with the mother imo
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  6. #6
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    I wouldn't marry her unless you WANT her kid too. Not only will you have to be a father (which you may not be ready for) but you will have to deal with the childs father forever being in their life. The fact that she hid the kid up-front makes me think she is looking for a meal-ticket. Someone who hid that much of HUGE portion of her life until she got you hooked does not sound like marraige material.

    I never want kids, and unfortunately I will never have a serious relationship with any girl that does have kids for this reason.

    Also you are already thinking of marriage, how long have you two been dating? It doesn't sound like very long.
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  7. #7
    I can do the Titty-Dance ceno's Avatar
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    you will thank them later!
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  8. #8
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    i wont date a women with a kid.

    i dont believe in kids until marriage
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  9. #9
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    I'd marry a woman with a kid if I loved her.
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    Originally Posted by drewkowsky
    if you aren't capable of being a good father, then dont do it
    it wouldnt be fair to the kid or the mother


    like the movie says-
    single moms are a sacred thing
    What he said, and also if you're not able to do it, you need to end it now and save both her and yourself the grief as it's not fair to her.

    If you love her, and love her daughter and are mature enough to handle the parenthood and fact that her ex will always be in your guys' life then I say go for it.
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  11. #11
    fire on the mountain Antidote's Avatar
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    ive had a step mom since i was about 10 years old. and we have never gotten along. the day i moved out and she was out of my life was the happiest day of my life. It just sucks because my relationship with my dad suffered because of her. I feel we could have had so much more.
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    Originally Posted by luvs2btan05
    im a single mom of a almost 2 year old. ANd its tough to think that most guys believe that single moms are just easy Lays...which shows a sign of immaturity in my eyes. thats awesome that you are in love with her, and the fact that she has a daughter shouldnt change your mind about being in love with her.
    Being a single mom, of course you are going to say that. Your situation is a lot different than this womans. I would marry a woman that has a younger child(under the age of 3), but with a kid thats 11 years old I can see a lot of problems occurring. I would rather raise a kid from an early age so that it thinks of me as a father, and respects me as a father figure. This is coming from someone that was raised in a single parent home. At 11 or 12 years of age, I was already pretty much taking care of myself. I watched myself after school, cooked, cleaned, and did just about everything for myself. I never listened to any of my mom's boyfriends or respected them as a father figure, but then again none of them really tried. I don't think that I would have excepted them even if they did. At that point, I was pretty much the man of the house and I didn't need some jackass thinking he could tell me what to do just because he's banging my mom.
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    Re

    Originally Posted by Spark
    here's the deal:

    i met this girl sometime ago and we fell in love. I really love her, as does she. She didn't tell me she had a daughter though (11), until after one month when i was in love.
    Anyway, thing is, she has one daughter. My parents are strongly against this marriage. My father said after some time that kid will bug you out. Everywhere you go you'll have to take her with you etc...

    Anyone have experience or sound advice about marrying a single mother ?
    Well if you do accept her daughter you're a good man. Me personally I could never do it. Bottom line is that's not my kid. The thought of another man up inside my woman is bad let alone her having some other man's child. Some men are VERY territorial.
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  14. #14
    fallen angel darkangel's Avatar
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    The fact that she hid her daughter's presence from you for a month is suspicious. I think it's a good idea for single parents to keep their kids out of the relationship until they see if it has serious potential or not... keeps the kids from getting attached and getting hurt... but she should have told you about her daughter early on in the relationship. Anyone who thinks to marry a single parent has to be prepared to accept an instant family. If you're not the type to want step children or even children of your own, she could have saved you both a lot of time and trouble by being honest up front.

    I've dated a couple of guys that each had a daughter. One guy had partial custody and a very poor relationship with his ex, who took their daughter and moved out of state. He had to drive hours to pick her up and take her back whenever she had a scheduled visit. He was very unhappy, always in conflict with his ex and missed his daughter terribly. He was too preoccupied to have a relationship with anyone else.

    On the other hand, the other guy had full custody of his daughter and brought us all together when we first started seeing each other. His daughter quickly became attached to me and, after a month or so of dating, already had us married off and told us she expected a little brother or sister for Christmas. That finally woke him up and he broke off the relationship.

    Personally, I would never totally eliminate someone based on the fact they have children by a previous marriage, but it sure does majorly complicate matters.
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    i think the fact that you are unsure about this and asking for advice on here shows you are not really ready for marriage with this women. not trying to be harsh.
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    I can do the Titty-Dance ceno's Avatar
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    well, been there done that...didnt work for me...(dating not marriage)

    now, i now i want to have a kid...my own kid that is...
    plus, i want this to be a first time experince for my partner too...

    so lets say, i am 35-40 divorced and have a kid..yes, then i would consider a woman with a kid..

    but i am 26, why would i do that now?

    a friend of mine(24) got married a girl (19) with a son (3)..
    its been a bout a year now..and he is not happy at all...
    first of all hes 25 now..and hes looking after someone elses kid...

    he couldnt see that before because he was in love with her...


    i say think about what you doing..
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    Originally Posted by ceno
    a friend of mine(24) got married a girl (19) with a son (3)..
    its been a bout a year now..and he is not happy at all...
    Marrying someone who had a child at 16 is inviting problems, IMHO.
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    Originally Posted by Spark
    here's the deal:

    i met this girl sometime ago and we fell in love. I really love her, as does she. She didn't tell me she had a daughter though (11), until after one month when i was in love.
    Anyway, thing is, she has one daughter. My parents are strongly against this marriage. My father said after some time that kid will bug you out. Everywhere you go you'll have to take her with you etc...

    Anyone have experience or sound advice about marrying a single mother ?
    Do NOT marry her unless the kids father is dead. Nothin worse than "Baby Daddy" drama. Life is too ****ing short, who needs the headache?
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  19. #19
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    Originally Posted by FEARandLOATHING
    Do NOT marry her unless the kids father is dead. Nothin worse than "Baby Daddy" drama.
    what do you mean ?

    I am too much in love to think clearly. This sucks. I know that i'll get a daughter of 11 years wich is not my own if i marry her. It's like instant family, as someone said earlier. If someone said this to me before in my life i'd laugh and say yeah right, i'd never do something like that. But things are very different now.
    I said to her to change a few of her lifestyles if she ever wanted to marry me, wich she did. I'm just worried how she'll be when the "in love" feeling and the chemistry go down after some time.
    I allready met her daughter, and we did get along.

    she has all the qualities i look for in a woman. I just hope i don't resurrect this thread after 1 year to write down what a big mistake i did by marrying her...
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  20. #20
    fallen angel darkangel's Avatar
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    If she has at least a civil, cooperative relationship with her ex, the father of her daughter, it will go a LONG ways toward making your relationship with her easier.
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    Originally Posted by darkangel
    If she has at least a civil, cooperative relationship with her ex, the father of her daughter, it will go a LONG ways toward making your relationship with her easier.

    explain this please, i don't get it... i'm from europe i don't understand this baby drama thing.

    no really..

    the ex does get the child once and every now and then, but does this change anything at all ? I don't allow her to make chit chat with her ex though ,told that to her clearly. Same goes for me. I don't keep contact with my exes.
    Last edited by Spark; 08-15-2005 at 11:30 AM.
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    I can do the Titty-Dance ceno's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Spark
    explain this please, i don't get it...

    no really..

    the ex does get the child once and every now and then, but does this change anything at all ? I don't allow her to make chit chat with her ex though ,told that to her clearly. Same goes for me. I don't keep contact with my exes.

    if she has a kid..she will be in contact with him..she may not chit chat or hangout with him...but he will ALWYAS be there thru his child...

    love it or leave it..

    i dont understand this..why deal with this stuff?
    i mean , obviously you have issues over this..and it WILL NOT get any better but WORSE...

    just because you love her now, DO NOT ignore the reality...
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  23. #23
    I can do the Titty-Dance ceno's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by darkangel
    Marrying someone who had a child at 16 is inviting problems, IMHO.

    yup, we all told him that..but he was in LOVE!...he said that he loved this girl and accpeted her as she was...

    well...it took only a year for him to realize that he made a mistake
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    Here's my thought, man. Anytime you're with a single mother, you have to accept one thing as enduring truth: She will always love that child more than she loves you.

    You're never going to have a chance to be the most important thing in her life.

    Of course, if by some fluke she doesn't love the child more, she's probably a cold person who you don't want to be around anyway.

    Also bear in mind that the father of the child may very well be a periodic (and possibly adversarial) presence in your life. Even if the bond between him and her has been soured or irreparably damaged, it's another thing to consider.

    Plus, personally, I just don't like the idea of raising someone else's genetic legacy. YMMV.
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    fallen angel darkangel's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Spark
    explain this please, i don't get it... i'm from europe i don't understand this baby drama thing.

    no really..

    the ex does get the child once and every now and then, but does this change anything at all ?
    A child means the ex is always going to be a part of her life. She can't cut off contact to him because of the link of the child. They'll have to see each other and talk to each other and discuss issues related to the child, until she's grown and on her own.

    As I said earlier, if she has a civil relationship with her ex and they have agreed to be cooperative and put the child's needs first, that will make dealing with him much easier. BUT, if they're antagonistic towards each other, fighting, manipulating each other thru the child, then you're going to have constant problems.
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    Registered User Illana's Avatar
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    If you question it now then there is a conflict within you and you should wait a while. I dont think that just cause she didnt tell you when you first met that she has a kid that she was hiding and being terrible because (a) you dont have to tell everyone your life story as soon as you met them and (b) because she was probably afraid that you would turn out to be an uncaring prick who cares more about getting laid and having a blast than being a responsible person. (c) She wanted you to know her for who she is and not be like 90% of men and jude her like she is some piece of **** cause she has a kid.

    If you have some doubt than I highly suggest you wait a while because once your married, if things go bad, it makes life and everything much more complicated, harder and messier.
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    Originally Posted by Illana
    (a) you dont have to tell everyone your life story as soon as you met them and (b) because she was probably afraid that you would turn out to be an uncaring prick who cares more about getting laid and having a blast than being a responsible person. (c) She wanted you to know her for who she is and not be like 90% of men and jude her like she is some piece of **** cause she has a kid.
    (a)You shouldn't wait until someone has fallen for you to tell them something as important as this.
    (b)If he is a uncaring prick that is just looking for sex, telling him you have a kid will get rid of him pretty damn fast. Also whats wrong with getting laid and having a blast? He's not the one that has a kid, so there is no need for him to be responsible.
    (c)Hate to break it to you, but if you have a kid, thats a huge part of who you are. Yeah you might be a different person without the kid around, but he should also see you around the kid considering that if he does marry you it would be you, him, and the kid 90% of the time.
    Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
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    Registered User Illana's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Vince Vega
    (a)You shouldn't wait until someone has fallen for you to tell them something as important as this.
    (b)If he is a uncaring prick that is just looking for sex, telling him you have a kid will get rid of him pretty damn fast. Also whats wrong with getting laid and having a blast? He's not the one that has a kid, so there is no need for him to be responsible.
    (c)Hate to break it to you, but if you have a kid, thats a huge part of who you are. Yeah you might be a different person without the kid around, but he should also see you around the kid considering that if he does marry you it would be you, him, and the kid 90% of the time.
    (a) she is not responsible for his feelings. She only has to be responsible for herself. Thats not her problem if he falls in love within a month of dating. And she doesnt have to tell him in that time if she chooses not too. Its non of his business at one month.
    (b) There is nothing wrong with getting laid and having a blast but thats probably not the type of guy she wants. Im sure the reality is that pricks dont care if women have a kid or not they just care about getting some. And by entering a relationship were you are a guardian or parent figure to an 11yr old he has to become responsible.
    (c) What kid of self respecting woman would let her 11yr old daughter meet every man she dates. One month is very little time and its unfair to put this person in your childs life if they arent there for a long time or a serious relationship, what kind of values is she teaching her daughter then, its ok to have lots of men in your life, thats just sick. Athough I do understand you point here with (c) she would still fear what he thinks even if he doesnt say it. She probably doesnt want to get played and most importantly she wants to protect her child.
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    *shakes head* You're a sucker.
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