clare's journal- recovering fatophobe

[spytechs_wife]

Starting stats: 5'8"
123 lbs
BF around 17%

Goals: eat more, realize I'm not going to get fat, like myself, stop binging on weekends, squat 150 and bench 100 by end of summer

I've developed a serious problem this summer of not eating enough and TOTALLY hating myself. It pretty much sucks, and I'm very unhappy and ashamed of myself. I started cutting in Feb 2004 and haven’t stopped since. I lost 30 lbs and I'm really proud of that but I really wanted to see my abs. Unfortunately, that is where I hold my fat and I have to accept that. So the past 3 months I have been down around 1200 cals a day. I know it’s terribly unhealthy and my body is probably starving and storing fat, since I haven’t lost ANY weight during that time. (I really hope that 1200 cals is not my maintenance!) I am constantly hungry and obsessing about when I get to eat next and everything in my life is suffering because of it. And usually on Saturday, I try to pack in every kind of food I craved all week.

So, starting this week (after an awful binge weekend) I'm upping my cals by adding another bowl of Special K into my diet after my workouts, and a half of a yam at supper. I'm SOOOO excited, because I love special K! But I'm really scared of gaining weight. I have an awful self image and absolutely no self esteem at all. But what I do have is the awesome support of my husband (who yesterday threatened to call a "special doctor" if I didn't listen to his advice- hence I will eat more and do this journal!), and hopefully my friends here who will kick me in the arse if I get out of line.

My workouts will remain the same for now. Hopefully since I'm eating more my weights will increase and that would be pretty cool, since I've been stale in moving forward with my lifts lately.

This is REALLY embarrassing for me to admit this stuff to anyone but my husband, but I would appreciate some tough love and any advice or comments or whatever.

I'll post today's workout later, in the meantime here is my Fit Day journal.

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJ...er=CPolencheck

[khocha]

Best of luck with this new thing, definitely looking forward to following this journal!

[irishred]

First off I gotta say, I'm real glad you're doin this the right way. I gotta bunch of friends that are girls (as opposed to girlfriends ) who struggle with that stuff all the time. I never would have known until I heard it from each of em one by one. It's crazy how women get so caught up in that stuff, yet understandable to me now. Hold onto spytech, he's must be a pretty awesome fella to get ya to do it the right way. It isnt gonna be easy, but youll figure it as ya go.

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by khocha

Best of luck with this new thing, definitely looking forward to following this journal!

thanks i appreciate it! hope to give you something interesting to read here...

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by irishred

First off I gotta say, I'm real glad you're doin this the right way. I gotta bunch of friends that are girls (as opposed to girlfriends ) who struggle with that stuff all the time. I never would have known until I heard it from each of em one by one. It's crazy how women get so caught up in that stuff, yet understandable to me now. Hold onto spytech, he's must be a pretty awesome fella to get ya to do it the right way. It isnt gonna be easy, but youll figure it as ya go.

thanks for your comments. its funny how different men and women are (mentally.) most men look in the mirror and think they are awesome at all times, but take any pretty girl off the street and she'll name 1000 things she hates about herself. we are pretty mental if you ask me! and im out to change that in myself

nathan is a pretty amazing guy to put up with all my emotional crap. i used to be into drugs and pretty heavy drinking/partying. he really helped me through some hard times then and i know we can get through this too

thanks again for your comments.

clare

[spytechs_wife]

JULY 25, 2005 LEGS-ABS

Squats: 125x10, 130x8, 135x7, 140x6
*i squat to parallel (usually )
SLDL: 125x10, 130x8, 135x6, 140x4
Leg Extension: 125x8, 125x8, 112x10
Plate Loaded Squat Press: 310x10, 310x10, 320x8
*weight is plates only- i have no idea what the sled weighs
Calf Raise on Squat Press: 310x10, 310x10, 310x10
Abs: 12 sets of 12-20 reps MISC (weighted situps, twists, leg raises, side bends, etc)

10 minutes yoga stretching
UPDATE: went for a 50 min walk at 11pm

Comments: I was groggy today but strong. Had a bad vibe going into the gym today and sure enough it was packed, so I had to wait for machines and whatnot. Squats were good and I felt like I was going down a little farther than usual on some reps

[spytech]

nice work today. squats looked great from my viewpoint

[heavylifter954]

lol thats great you post in each others journals...anyway strong squatting.

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by heavylifter954

lol thats great you post in each others journals...anyway strong squatting.

thx HL, im positive i can get a solid 150 squat by the end of august.

yes, we only work a room away from eachother (within talking distance) but we still talk on AIM. its pretty much how he wooed me in the first place.

lol NERD ALERT!

[heavylifter954]

well if you can do 140 x 6 now it should only take like 2 weeks to do 150....but then again i dont really know how much harder it is for a girl to get stronger.

[chuckles_345]

Nice to see the journal after all the demand for one. And you thought nobody would follow lol. Good looking workout. As for seeing things about ur body u don't like, guys do that too. I get pissed everytime I see my calves. They aren't big enough. So idk if its just a women's thing. Anyways keep up the journal, I'm now subscribed.

Chuckles

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by chuckles_345

Nice to see the journal after all the demand for one. And you thought nobody would follow lol. Good looking workout. As for seeing things about ur body u don't like, guys do that too. I get pissed everytime I see my calves. They aren't big enough. So idk if its just a women's thing. Anyways keep up the journal, I'm now subscribed.

Chuckles

thanks peter! ok i think guys have a calf thing...nathan says the same thing about his, lol

[irishred]

nice lookin workout...must say im impressed. Did i mention we squat around the same weight (wow am i weak hehe)...keep it up chica

[WahooLIFTER]

Your workout looks awesome! Very strong I know everything is going to workout for you just right! Keep it up

[Scarst]

Very nice workout, although I looked at your fitday and your still only eating a little over 1200 calories. Are you trying to gradually change the amount you eat?

[spytechs_wife]

^^^ thank you both for your encouragement!


NUTRITION: JULY 25, 2005

CAL 1268
FAT 20 15%
CRB 104 30%
PRT 162 54%


COMMENTS: utter FAILURE. i did not eat any more than i usually do. i felt like i was doing really good then all of a sudden it was time for bed and i was behind. will do better today.

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by Scarst

Very nice workout, although I looked at your fitday and your still only eating a little over 1200 calories. Are you trying to gradually change the amount you eat?

yah, i should have had at least 1350-1400 yesterday but i screwed it up somehow. today i will add more veggies at dinner probably and maybe an extra shake or something. i was happy with my protein intake however.

thanks for lookin!

[Scarst]

Originally Posted by spytechs_wife

yah, i should have had at least 1350-1400 yesterday but i screwed it up somehow. today i will add more veggies at dinner probably and maybe an extra shake or something. i was happy with my protein intake however.

thanks for lookin!

By the Harris Benedict formula for BMR (http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-ca...dict-equation/), you need around 1400 calories a day to just stay alive And your also lifting and doing cardio so you should probably look into to rasing your caloric intake a bit higher than 1400 if you want to be sqautting 150 and benching 100 by the end of the summer.

Eating more than 1400 will also help fight off the temptations to binge!

[BRADP3]

Originally Posted by heavylifter954

lol thats great you post in each others journals...anyway strong squatting.

Haha, 'tis funny.

[spytechs_wife]

JULY 26, 2005 CHEST-TRIS

BB Flat Bench: 85x5, 90x5
DB Decline: 35x5, 30x7, 25x10
DB Flat: 25x12, 30x8, 25x10
Chest Press: 50x12, 62x7
Headbangers: 40x10, 40x8, 45x4
Tri Kickback: 20x8, 15x12, 15x10
Tri Pushdown: 77x6, 72x10, 72x10
Pullovers: 20x8, 15x12
*pullovers done for cooldown/stretching

Comments:OMG my chest was awesome today, but now im really feeling it in my shoulders. Both of them are double jointed and it takes that much more effort to keep them from popping when I do chest lifts (boo hoo waah waah), but it was worth it to get the weights up today. I think BB bench is probably what makes my shoulders tender—I have always stuck to DB in the past and only started benching a month ago, and thats when i started getting pains. Once I make it to 100lbs for reps I’ll probably stop again, at least for awhile. goodtimes.


thx, clare

[waitlifter82]

Damn, some good squats and sldls' there.... and your benching ain't too shabby either

*subscribes*

[Glyder]

Clare, glad that you started a journal! So now that your here...Smarten up! You know how we kicked Miss Pedicures butt into gear, same thing here! Get your cals up!!!

Good workouts, your looking strong. its good that you have short term goals, and long term goals. Short term being the weights you want to push, long term the fat you want to lose.

Keep up the good work, and you will do great!

BTW, have you heard from miss pedicure lately?

[khocha]

Nice squats and benching there!
you put alot of guys to shame

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by Glyder

Clare, glad that you started a journal! So now that your here...Smarten up! You know how we kicked Miss Pedicures butt into gear, same thing here! Get your cals up!!!

Good workouts, your looking strong. its good that you have short term goals, and long term goals. Short term being the weights you want to push, long term the fat you want to lose.

Keep up the good work, and you will do great!

BTW, have you heard from miss pedicure lately?

thx glyder! i pm'd her a few days ago, but havnt heard anything. i hope she is keeping up with the workouts and diet even though she hasn't been posting! her fitday has been empty too.

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by khocha

Nice squats and benching there!
you put alot of guys to shame

thank you khocha!

[spytechs_wife]

Nutrition: July 26, 2005

Cal 1313
Fat 21 15%
Crb 125 35%
Prt 155 50%

[spytechs_wife]

JULY 27, 2005 REST

I jogged/walked for 30 minutes this morning. Otherwise it has been a rest day.

Nutrition: July 27, 2005

Cal 1358
Fat 28 20%
Crb 102 24%
Prt 179 56%

thx, clare

[chuckles_345]

Originally Posted by spytechs_wife

JULY 27, 2005 REST

I jogged/walked for 30 minutes this morning. Otherwise it has been a rest day.

Nutrition: July 27, 2005

Cal 1358
Fat 28 20%
Crb 102 24%
Prt 179 56%

thx, clare

Looks good...I still don't see how you can survive on 1300-1400cal a day but its still a good thing ur getting ur cals up there. Back pic looks good too.

Chuckles

[spytechs_wife]

Originally Posted by chuckles_345

Looks good...I still don't see how you can survive on 1300-1400cal a day but its still a good thing ur getting ur cals up there. Back pic looks good too.

Chuckles

thanks p,

just since raising my cals up by 100 the past couple of days, i have felt really good and my mood has improved a lot (nathan will vouch for that!).

clare

[waitlifter82]

Originally Posted by spytechs_wife

JULY 27, 2005 REST

I jogged/walked for 30 minutes this morning. Otherwise it has been a rest day.

Nutrition: July 27, 2005

Cal 1358
Fat 28 20%
Crb 102 24%
Prt 179 56%

thx, clare

Looking good... I'm glad you're trying to eat more..... seeing too much bone in that pose.