Unsupportive spouses...

[PinkLaceUndeez]

I am preparing for my first comp in October. Hubby is being VERY UNSUPPORTIVE! Anyone ever have a problem with silly spouses? How do you handle it and remain focused on your goal.

~xoxo~

[jesika1985]

im also doing my 1st show in october and my boyfriend is a pain in the ass. "why cant you just work out like a normal person...youre going to look like a dude...youre wasting your time...bla bla bla" AND he keeps me awake at night when i have to get up for a 6am workout. so i finally snapped yesterday and said if i had to choose between him or competing, i would compete so either deal with it or look for someone else. i cant take it!

[cardioking]

My wife thinks I take weight loss too far. She is a bit heavier so maybe she is doing it to feel better about herself. Before I met her I was 125 lbs. I met her at 150 lbs and ballooned up to 203. I want to get back down to between 125-150 and she is upset about it. I am 5'4 and she wants me heavier. She is always trying to get me to eat sugar waffles, cotton candy and pickup McD's when we are in a hurry.

I handle it by just telling her no or that she can get that stuff but to please support me

[GermanBarbarian]

Originally Posted by PinkLaceUndeez

I am preparing for my first comp in October. Hubby is being VERY UNSUPPORTIVE! Anyone ever have a problem with silly spouses? How do you handle it and remain focused on your goal.

~xoxo~

New spouse? (jk) Anyways, lay down the law, tell them it's something you are going to do regardless and that if he doesn't support you that he is just being a jerk.

[b.spencer]

Originally Posted by cardioking

My wife thinks I take weight loss too far. She is a bit heavier so maybe she is doing it to feel better about herself. Before I met her I was 125 lbs. I met her at 150 lbs and ballooned up to 203. I want to get back down to between 125-150 and she is upset about it. I am 5'4 and she wants me heavier. She is always trying to get me to eat sugar waffles, cotton candy and pickup McD's when we are in a hurry.

I handle it by just telling her no or that she can get that stuff but to please support me

I wish I knew a solution to that one. No spouse here, but I had several friends were totally unsupportive to the point of trying to sabotage me. The more weight I dropped, the worse and worse they got -- downing me saying I was getting too thin or too muscular, trying to get me to eat trash. It finally got to the point that I had to make a choice between them and me. It really wasn't a choice at all. They are no longer my friends, although I wish they could be.

[backer]

I think that sometimes when you do something good for yourself others resent it because it makes them look bad.I believe they know you are doing a good thing and they feel jelous. Deep down they want what you are achieving for yourself but dont want to put in the effort you put in.They deal with this by dismissing your acomplishments and trying to trivialize what you have achieved.This applys not only to spouses but to alot of people.Dont let anybody take away what you have earned for yourself.

[PinkLaceUndeez]

Oh my god! You do know exactly what I am dealing with! I look and feel better than I ever have in my life. I cook, clean, etc...all the stuff that a "good wife" is supposed to do. I go to the gym while he is at work (so that it doesn't interfere with home time) and all I get is freakin' negativity! He wants me to just hang out in the bar and party with him...but, likes to use me as a cool form of entertainment for his friends (Honey, show the boys your arms).

Geez...

[JasonWojo]

I've been in this situation too and it sucks. Luckily now my girlfriend competes too so we can support eachother.

If your spouse isn't supportive, try and explain to them how important this is to you and that if they truly cared for you they'd try to understand how hard you're working, etc. and appreciate and encourage it. You're supposed to be a team.

Unfortunately, a lot of spouses feel threatened if their significant other is into fitness and they're not b/c they feel bad about themselves and that you'll up and leave them for someone who looks good. Try and reassure them. That may help.

[Italianangel]

omg yes, I think I posted on another thread in there.
My guy would sabatoge me, order pizza the night before I had to fly off to the Universe......stuff like taht, fights and arguements, head games........
He just ignores it all now, had no interest, seen a few and does not like the politics, calls them gong shows, hates I spend money on it, does not care about any of my magazine appearances, does not even look at it.
others tell him 'your so lucky dude, your chick is hot' or whatever and he is like 'yeah i guess so'.........and he is no calendar boy neither!
But anyway, he still occasinoally says something negative if I am stupid enough to ask him a question or get him involved so I go it all alone and keep it to my self. At least he is not sbatoging me now, he may say, wait til nexgt year so you can look better or whatever, small lil digs but I don't care, he was not there before to help so his opinion now does not count, its easy to tell people what to do once it done............but anyway I am with ya sister!!
He was supportive and helped get over anorexia and it was him which got me into weights but I guess he never thought I would excell beyond him so it is also a cause of him being jelous OF Me, which he admited adn I wouild never had thought........i mean I can see him being jelous over the guys I deal with etc, but not OF me. None of my family or friends even remember when i compete or not, my circle is so not in to it, which is fine in one way as the local circle of competitors here are 'catty' but it also means I am no myown. But after 13+ years of this, I am used to it now and am stronger. I always envied the gals whos guys are buff and diet too with them and carrhy their bags and go with them to shows to watch and help them prep but not having that has taught me to do it all myself so if I have no help I manage just fine!!!
It would be nice if he had a bit of pride about what I did but whatever. I am dieting now, under 2 mths out, and he had been eating his crap outside of my view which is huge for him, taht means he is actually considerate................but thats about it. The first few years he did all he could to throw me off...............so at least that is not so prevalent now. I don't bother involving him or do so very lil and I at least get peace...........no digs, no neg comments and I do my own thing, he does his. I always did eat different anyway as I d'nt eat meat and he does and he hates himself for being chubby and haveing no will power, so taht is his battle. He was built like a bb before, then when i got into it, he got less into it..........very odd.
But that is what these forums are for, so people like us can connect adn support each other!!
Linda

[green_kev]

I am not married however when I go home/visit relatives, they are on me right away, its non stop. "why don’t you just eat normal," "you don’t have to work out all the time," "Why don’t you get a real life," (that one pissed me off and caused me to explode at my father). However, I have used this as fuel to train harder, my family is not into fitness at all and as a teen I never really rebel, however I think my way of rebelling was being really into physical fitness, and thus using there negative remarks as fuel to basically push me harder by making me fell like "well fu*k you, I am going to train even harder now" lol I know it sounds weird but that’s how I deal with it. Over the years my family has gotten used to it, actually last time I went out with the family for my cousins birthday they went to a pizza joint and everyone was scoffing down pizza and I ordered a chicken caesar salad minus the dressing and croutons, and no one said anything, so I think they are finally getting used to it.

[PinkLaceUndeez]

Man, I love you guys! I wondered if I was the only one dealing with this crap and obviously I'm not alone. My family is weird about it too...I get the whole "you're too thin" speech, meanwhile they are grossly obese! They say that my gym time is "obsessive" or "fanatical" while they stuff their faces with whatever crap food they can get their grubby paws around.

I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with the hubby this weekend...He used to lift all the time as well but virtually stopped when I began training...Anyway, I think that he understands how important this is to me now and has vowed to support me in this endeavor. Also, doesn't hurt that he measured his bodyfat and found that his extended stay in the bars and fast food joints has taken its toll on his body as well. Big wake up call for him.

Italianangel, keep up the good work girl...you look awesome!

xoxo

[Italianangel]

Originally Posted by PinkLaceUndeez

Man, I love you guys! I wondered if I was the only one dealing with this crap and obviously I'm not alone. My family is weird about it too...I get the whole "you're too thin" speech, meanwhile they are grossly obese! They say that my gym time is "obsessive" or "fanatical" while they stuff their faces with whatever crap food they can get their grubby paws around.

I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with the hubby this weekend...He used to lift all the time as well but virtually stopped when I began training...Anyway, I think that he understands how important this is to me now and has vowed to support me in this endeavor. Also, doesn't hurt that he measured his bodyfat and found that his extended stay in the bars and fast food joints has taken its toll on his body as well. Big wake up call for him.

Italianangel, keep up the good work girl...you look awesome!

xoxo

No offense and it sucks you have to deal with this but yes I am so glad I am not alone so its good to hear this stuff from you and the others here, I knew others had probs with family etc too but to hear some of you and especially this one with the old 'your getting to skinny, are you sick' while they eat crap and live overweight, yet envy that I am not overweight..............and the spouse stopping after you started to lift.....that was just too identical............wow.
and being from mediteranean family types, Italian/portuguese..........well like, socializing, daily everything, work, you name it, its all revolved around food! They just can't get it so it makes it harder and then being as judgemental as most of these European ethnicitys can by, well..........that just makes it even worse.
A huge kudos to us all for lasting this out and still getting to the stage looking killer!!!
Linda

[thenewchamp]

X2 to everything everyone has said.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=3715061

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=3810561

I have a friend right now who is going through it. She just competed and her boyfriend was unsupportive to the point that he tried to sabatoge her success. He bitched about coming to her show and even though he came...he slept fell asleep. She woke him up when the show was over, trophy in hand, he had snoozed through the whole thing.

[ThePunisher80]

Originally Posted by PinkLaceUndeez

Man, I love you guys! I wondered if I was the only one dealing with this crap and obviously I'm not alone. My family is weird about it too...I get the whole "you're too thin" speech, meanwhile they are grossly obese! They say that my gym time is "obsessive" or "fanatical" while they stuff their faces with whatever crap food they can get their grubby paws around.

I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with the hubby this weekend...He used to lift all the time as well but virtually stopped when I began training...Anyway, I think that he understands how important this is to me now and has vowed to support me in this endeavor. Also, doesn't hurt that he measured his bodyfat and found that his extended stay in the bars and fast food joints has taken its toll on his body as well. Big wake up call for him.

Italianangel, keep up the good work girl...you look awesome!

xoxo

It is hard for a lot of people to grasp the dedication it takes to compete, Always keep in mind that marrige does not just happen, you must work at it, just like you work on a fitness routine or on cutting. My wife and I are both training for our first competion next summer and it is a lot eaiser when both people do it together. If he used to be into weight lifting then you could try, giving him some positive encouregment to get in the gym with you. Maybe instead of you working out while he is at work you could work out together. Also check out the next local show, and tell him that you know he could be a great body builder. This might be the push he needs. Somtimes men get "Dumb" we get jeoulous and make up reasons to be mad and unsuportive. He might be afriad that some guy from the gym could steal you from him, so he is trying to get you to stop. Unfortunitly you can not just change his actions, but you can put effort to make him feel loved. We all need that in our life. Good luck and reamember mariggies are not made great, you have to work at having a great marriage.

[valdo650]

I'm not a woman, but my wife personally gives me a hard time about my fitness habits because I'm a control freak on my diet. She says I have no fun with life because I don't eat junk food or eat out anymore. She can't stand my salt free. She actually calls me when I'm on business trip to tell me that she is eating fried chicken, pizza, etc. She also thinks every supplement I buy is steriods and freaks when she sees something new in the supplement stash and I have to explain to her that it isn't steriods and what the stuff actually does. She tells me I shouldn't try to get any bigger because I'm getting close to 200 lbs now...my own family says I'm too skinny and need to more meat in my bones (I'm Latino and many people in my family are VERY big). I was always a skinny little, uncoorindated, non-atheletic, and weak kid and always strived to be strong and muscular.

I usually have to drag her to the gym myself lol. I tell her all the time that she will not look like a guy if she lifts because she's under that myth all the time. She is very fortunate to have awesome genetics. She is the envy of a bunch of women at work because she rarely works out and looks great. I wish I had genetics like that. *Sigh* it will take time to get her over to the fitness lifestyle lol. It took me a few years to get her off the junk food lol.

I tell her all the time that marriage is all about carry your weight in the chores, spirituality, mind, and health. She is starting to come around to the fitness part of it, but boy it's been a struggle since we have lived together.

Anyway, I don't understand the anti-competition mentality. I guess a some men are imiated by an atheletic woman >_>.

[valdo650]

Originally Posted by jesika1985

im also doing my 1st show in october and my boyfriend is a pain in the ass. "why cant you just work out like a normal person...youre going to look like a dude...youre wasting your time...bla bla bla" AND he keeps me awake at night when i have to get up for a 6am workout. so i finally snapped yesterday and said if i had to choose between him or competing, i would compete so either deal with it or look for someone else. i cant take it!

Good for you. Never have a significant other try to drain away what your passionate about. Repped.

[lilmssjs]

I am right there with you and it SUCKS!!! I have only been training a few months and just competed in my first show just to make sure this is something I want to continue with-and it is. The whole time my husband was a jerk about it. But he came, stayed in the hotel and went to the show. He was pretty much drunk the whole time (he would drink at the bar across from the hotel while I was at the show getting ready). He was so drunk by the end of the show I had to drive to where we were having dinner with my family-and I was tired from the show and standing in heels for so long that day. not to mention the lack of sleep the night before. He would try to sabotage me as well by ordering pizza and wings for him and the kids and eat it in front of me.
So I let myself eat a little freely the past couple of days and start back on track with diet and training tomorrow. OMG, I thought he was going to freak because I wasn't going to eat "normal" again and I bought a loaf of whole wheat bread!!
It sucks, I don't know why they have to make us feel so bad because we want to be healthy and hot. I am a mom of 2 and I don't want to look like the rest of the moms around here. I refuse to. You would think he would appreciate that!
Anyway, sorry to go off on a rant. I just understand how bad it sucks to have to deal with something like this. (((hugs))) to you and I hope you are able to work through this.

[misstransformer]

My heart goes out to all of you ladies. I'm not married, but I know it can hurt when those you love don't support your dreams. I can only imagine how disappointing it feels when that person is a spouse. Sending you all warm thoughts and support. Miss T

[JasOWN]

lol, my dad used to give me so much ****, until the doctor told him he had high cholesterol. now he comes to me and asks for my advice.

[PinkLaceUndeez]

So, I guess now that we know we are not alone it is a matter of trying to educate or maybe enlighten our loved ones to our lifestyle. How can they not know that it will benefit them? Perhaps they know and like so many Americans they just don't care or gave up when it comes to their personal fitness and wellness.

I am so proud to be part of a group that works so hard to constantly improve themselves!

High five to all of ya!

~xoxo~

[b.spencer]

Originally Posted by PinkLaceUndeez

So, I guess now that we know we are not alone it is a matter of trying to educate or maybe enlighten our loved ones to our lifestyle. How can they not know that it will benefit them? Perhaps they know and like so many Americans they just don't care or gave up when it comes to their personal fitness and wellness.

I am so proud to be part of a group that works so hard to constantly improve themselves!

High five to all of ya!

~xoxo~

First, I'm glad you and your hubby have come "to an understanding." I hope he gets back in the game with you.

I think you hit it exactly. Most people just do not care. I certainly didn't, amd my friends nad family never did. But, now, there is just something inside that pushes and pushes to be better. I wish my friends could understand, but it's like banging my head against a wall.

The only people who really understand it are the ones who have the same drive. Just look around your gym, and I bet you get along the best with people like you, who have that compulsion to make yourself better no matter what it takes. I'm certainly that way. There are acertain group of "familairs" you might say who get a long and respect each other no matter what pint they are along the journey. Like, I'd love to look like the trainer at my gym who as doing decline benches the other day with 405 on the bar. I can't do half that for 8 reps and he was cranking out set after set. I will probably never look like that. But, that's fine. I'll be as good as I can get, and it's the journey to that end that's more important. And we both respect each other for where we are.

Most of my friends do not understand that drive to be better. They are like, you've done so much, why can't you be satisfied? Why can't you live a normal life? A lot of them have told me -- and I bet all of you have heard it too -- "You won't ever quit, I can see it in your eyes." They see it, but they don't get it. I think the kind of passion and commitment you have to have to succeed at this scares them. Most people fear what they do not understand, so they fight against it.

OK. Enough soap box for the moment

[Angela R]

I think it all boils down to negotiation. Realistically that is all we have when we deal with anyone, whether it be a spouse, parent, child or complete stranger. You have to talk and especially with those close to us we have to compromise.

When you are married you have chosen to be part of a unit, not an individual and if you decide to compete this should be something you discuss and talk about and decide together. It's not fair, I know, but life just isn't, get over it.

Competing is a long process and it takes complete and total dedication. It takes a toll on your emotions and it gobbles up all your time and energy. Leaving you drained, moody and not much fun.

When you are married, or in a relationship period, all parties involved have a picture in their head as to how things are going to go and what their expectations are from the relationship and the other person. You have to talk about what you each expect and want and come to a compromise. Or not and just continue to add nails to the coffin of your relationship.

It isn't "right" in your mind to not want to be supportive of your goal and it's not "right" in your partner's mind that you don't want to have "fun" with them. That your goal is more important.

What we want can drive us to do and say stupid things. Ever do something really dumb but at the time it seemed like the best course of action. Like some poster's say their s/o's will tell them all about the junk they are eating or blatantly ignore their s/o's accomplishment. It's their "best" way at that time to tell you they don't like it. And you continue to ignore it and charge forward towards your goal....realistically neither one of you is "right".

I honestly can't tell any of you what the best answer is except to talk to your spouse/significant other, parents and friends and negotiate the whole thing. In the end needs will overcome loyalty, that's just how it is. Are genetic makeup drives us to change everyday, so what you want today may not be what you want tomorrow or a year from now, so becareful with how you deal with your current relationships over competing. In your mind right now the perfect picture is you stepping on stage and holding a trophy but in your mind a year from now the perfect picture could be you with your spouse/so holding a brand new baby or doing whatever and choices you make now "in the heat of your need to compete" could prevent this.

Good luck to all of you headed to the stage and congrats on the dedication it takes to get there.

Angela

[mustan9]

Oh man. That really sucks. I'm sorry people are having such problems. Some aren't a big deal, but I know from past relationships that your partner has to value the same things you do.

Sit down with them. Have a talk, and tell them what kind of impact this is having on what your doing. If they don't listen then rethink that relationship, because having a partner who is there for you. Is a totally different experience.

I have to get up every morning at 5:30am to get my lazy but into the gym. Every morning my 8 month pregnant wife pushes me into the shower. She goes down stairs and cooks me scrambled eggs, prepares my lunch based upon the meal plan and calorie targets, and helps prepare my protein shakes for the day.

She comments on my gains, and pushes me out the door so that I'm on my way to the gym. Then she goes back to bed.

Every day. Every morning.

That's the way I think it should go. You both have to be on the same page.

[PinkLaceUndeez]

Originally Posted by Angela R

I think it all boils down to negotiation. Realistically that is all we have when we deal with anyone, whether it be a spouse, parent, child or complete stranger. You have to talk and especially with those close to us we have to compromise.

When you are married you have chosen to be part of a unit, not an individual and if you decide to compete this should be something you discuss and talk about and decide together. It's not fair, I know, but life just isn't, get over it.

Competing is a long process and it takes complete and total dedication. It takes a toll on your emotions and it gobbles up all your time and energy. Leaving you drained, moody and not much fun.

When you are married, or in a relationship period, all parties involved have a picture in their head as to how things are going to go and what their expectations are from the relationship and the other person. You have to talk about what you each expect and want and come to a compromise. Or not and just continue to add nails to the coffin of your relationship.

It isn't "right" in your mind to not want to be supportive of your goal and it's not "right" in your partner's mind that you don't want to have "fun" with them. That your goal is more important.

What we want can drive us to do and say stupid things. Ever do something really dumb but at the time it seemed like the best course of action. Like some poster's say their s/o's will tell them all about the junk they are eating or blatantly ignore their s/o's accomplishment. It's their "best" way at that time to tell you they don't like it. And you continue to ignore it and charge forward towards your goal....realistically neither one of you is "right".

I honestly can't tell any of you what the best answer is except to talk to your spouse/significant other, parents and friends and negotiate the whole thing. In the end needs will overcome loyalty, that's just how it is. Are genetic makeup drives us to change everyday, so what you want today may not be what you want tomorrow or a year from now, so becareful with how you deal with your current relationships over competing. In your mind right now the perfect picture is you stepping on stage and holding a trophy but in your mind a year from now the perfect picture could be you with your spouse/so holding a brand new baby or doing whatever and choices you make now "in the heat of your need to compete" could prevent this.

Good luck to all of you headed to the stage and congrats on the dedication it takes to get there.

Angela

Wow! You said a mouthful! :0) True, in every relationship there must be some compromise. My hubby and I talked at length prior to my making the committment to compete. He was in total support and then something along the way just changed...Water under the bridge at this point.

We spent 48 hours yelling, crying (me), and talking openly about the process and why we both felt the way we do. I went so far as to make the call to my trainer and suit designer to tell them the whole thing was off. Luckily for me, he now understands what this means to me and has jumped back on the bandwagon. He actually went back to the gym himself and has cleaned up his own diet.

Will I go through the process again? I don't know. I love my man and that is priority for me. Maybe in the spring. Who knows. I am hoping that he will get the fever and consider competing as well.

[misstransformer]

Originally Posted by JasOWN

lol, my dad used to give me so much ****, until the doctor told him he had high cholesterol. now he comes to me and asks for my advice.

Second to spouses, I'm really surprised at how many parents have been unsupportive. I've read similar complaints in other messages.

[Angela R]

Well if the hubby committed to this prior to starting then he needs to stand behind you and then bring up his negotiations when/if you decide to compete again.

I have personally decided to put off competing for awhile, it just takes too much away from my family life and puts too much stress on my career and other personal goals. Like I am getting ready to start my Master's. At this point in my life I honestly can't have baseball games and pracitces 5 days a week for my girls, help with their homework, my job, and regular "life chores" (house cleaning, grocery shopping, etc) on top of having a one track mind of when I eat, what I eat, when I'll fit in cardio and my lift's.

My husband was completely supportive of me while I competed and I am so thankful because as hindsight I see what a pain in the a$$ it was to pick up all that slack while I was doing my second cardio session for the day at night when I could have been snuggling with him on the couch. Competing is such a total life dedication, and sometimes it's lonely work as we see from some of these posts.

I don't think anyone should be unsupportive of a healthier lifestyle and I do think most people have a tendency to transfer their guilt to criticism. I always say to people like that, I don't need to critcize myself you are doing enough of it for me.

You sound like you have worked it out very well with him and have a good grip on the reality of it all. I wish you nothing but the best at your competition and all your goals....AND a happy marriage ;-) (**If you find a good one hold on to him!!!)

[arteaganfl]

When I first started working out my wife was not very supportive saying, "who are you trying to look good for.. I don't want you too big" I suggested she go with me to the gym. She began working out and loved it. She is as much into working out as I am and it is great. I love when she goes to the store and replenishes our supplements.

[paintedgrrl]

I have only been working out for 8 months...I don't compete yet though I hope to...My hubby is not very supportive either...OMG what do I have in store for me when I do compete??!! I have no idea how to handle this negativity either...We just have to support one another...

[labradarep]

Help make him feel like he is part of your success somehow. Remember Figure is a very induvidualistic sport. You need to make him feel important(He should also do the same for you).

Another reason he may have jumped off the band wagon is that he is jealous in some way. Either of how you look or how he doesn't look. Try to get him following the same lifestyle in some small way to start. Maybe it will snowball into something bigger??

Best of Luck.

[Deja_Entendu]

Man, I feel really sorry for people in general out there who don?t have supportive spouses, significant others, etc.
I?m currently married and my wife as of this year just started competing. In fact in less than 12 weeks she will go on stage for her second show. I?m very excited for her and know she is going to do great!
When she first started I tried really hard to be as supportive as possible. I made sure I picked up the right supplements, tried to eat as clean as possible and keep the junk out, train with her, take pictures, help her with her journal etc. All in all she did most of the hard stuff I just helped whenever needed. She did a show while in school and working full-time and for that I?m proud of her. The one thing that kind of threw me off was how expensive the posing suits are?geez! I couldn?t believe it. I guess being a guy and all my rationale was just hey why can?t you go to the mall and pick these things up, they are cheaper right? Well I was apparently wrong and let her get what she wanted, and I?m sure as heck glad she did because dang she looked incredible.
I think the reason spouses might not be as supportive as they should be boils down to insecurity issues. From time to time I kind of felt obsolete when compared to my wife. She was ripped like a month out and with my work schedule there wasn?t anyway I could keep up. But eventually I came to terms with it and realized that she really wanted this, and if that?s the case then I want it to.
I hope only the best for you guys and I hope no matter what you follow your dreams.