River's Edge - Journal

[wildriver7]

I have an eating disorder. Whew, that was the first step. Eating 500 cals or less most days of the week, then binging up to 3000 for one or two. It got me all the way down to 101 pounds (I'm 5'1"). And when I got there... wow... this isn't as much fun or as rewarding as I thought it would be. I'm depressed, I have an ulcer, and frankly I still think no one likes me and I'm "just not good enough" in some way. Getting skinny didn't help any of that. The self punishing (starvation) alternated with bingeing (guilt, self loathing) has got to stop.

I think it is time to work on my insides. Where to start?

Fast forward to about a week ago - I started eating "normal" and building up my calories to about 1500-2100 a day (trying to zig-zag). Split between 6 meals or so, all healthy complex carbs, lean protein and good fats. A treat might be a FF yogurt, or homemade toasted oats lightly sweetened with 100% maple syrup.

I'm going to try to eat at maintenance (or slighly above) for awhile and try to reset my metabolism... hopefully letting my body know "everything is okay".

My meals consist of wild rice, salads, fresh steamed veggies, yams, oats, fruit (usualy one piece, an apple or a canteloup). I love marinated kale sald with avocado. I have flax oil in my wild rice... along with some fresh bell pepper, onions, etc. For protein I'm a vegetarian so I use plant based protein for the most part. Wheat tortilla wraps with Tofurkey and alfalfa sprouts, Yves ground round. I make sure I get between 80-120 grams of protein a day.

For fitness, I lift weights (circuit) 3 days a week, cardio about 1.5 hours every day (split between two sessions, walking plus the eliptical and sometimes a cardio tape). The cardio isn't grueling, about an hour of it is walking/hiking along the beach and through trails and some sidewalk action.

We'll see how this works. I realize I'm working on my spirit. My soul feels tortured. I'm obsessed with weight and my image to the point of sacrificing my very being. I'm trying to overcome that.

If this touches anyone, if you're like me in any way, please feel free to chime in. Or if you can just relate, and have comments, I'd love to hear from you.

I'm going to write in my journal as often as I can, expressing myself feels good. Thanks for the opportunity and the cyber shoulders to lean on.

River

[Emma-Leigh]

Welcome.

It sounds like you are well on the way to recovery and congratulations for making steps towards true health (both mental and physical). It is a hard road to choose - but it will be well worth it in the end.

Your story sounds very familiar - many females on this board have had similar periods of anorexia with over exercise and starvation diets and the mental torture that comes with it.

They have all battled (and are still battling) with the same demons that you are - and I am sure that they will all be more than supportive in helping you on the same path. You can check out their journals here for motivation - Lou, Seadra and JBL are just a few. Infact, the amazing MsFit has also been through the same experience - and look where she is now!!

Good luck with your goals - it sounds like you are going to make it.

[wildriver7]

Thanks for the encouragement Emma-Leigh, and the links! I'm going to go start reading them now. It really is comforting to know that others have gone through this and risen above.

River

[imperfectly_lou]

Hi There River.... I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much...

I am still recovering from my eating disorder, getting there, inch by inch.

The one thing I have learnt is that it really is crucial to work on the WHY.... i.e. why do I have an eating disorder? And usually, it has very little to do with weight, food etc. E.g why do you hate yourself so much?

I have to be honest, it will be very difficult for you to recover without dealing with these underlying issues. Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? You should also be seeing your doctor for a check up for things like iron levels, electrolytes etc etc. I saw a social worker for 2 years and now see a psychiatrist and continue to take anti-depressants. There is no way I could have done all this without their help.

Best of luck

[JLB04]

River - How are you doing?