I have an eating disorder. Whew, that was the first step. Eating 500 cals or less most days of the week, then binging up to 3000 for one or two. It got me all the way down to 101 pounds (I'm 5'1"). And when I got there... wow... this isn't as much fun or as rewarding as I thought it would be. I'm depressed, I have an ulcer, and frankly I still think no one likes me and I'm "just not good enough" in some way. Getting skinny didn't help any of that. The self punishing (starvation) alternated with bingeing (guilt, self loathing) has got to stop.
I think it is time to work on my insides. Where to start?
Fast forward to about a week ago - I started eating "normal" and building up my calories to about 1500-2100 a day (trying to zig-zag). Split between 6 meals or so, all healthy complex carbs, lean protein and good fats. A treat might be a FF yogurt, or homemade toasted oats lightly sweetened with 100% maple syrup.
I'm going to try to eat at maintenance (or slighly above) for awhile and try to reset my metabolism... hopefully letting my body know "everything is okay".
My meals consist of wild rice, salads, fresh steamed veggies, yams, oats, fruit (usualy one piece, an apple or a canteloup). I love marinated kale sald with avocado. I have flax oil in my wild rice... along with some fresh bell pepper, onions, etc. For protein I'm a vegetarian so I use plant based protein for the most part. Wheat tortilla wraps with Tofurkey and alfalfa sprouts, Yves ground round. I make sure I get between 80-120 grams of protein a day.
For fitness, I lift weights (circuit) 3 days a week, cardio about 1.5 hours every day (split between two sessions, walking plus the eliptical and sometimes a cardio tape). The cardio isn't grueling, about an hour of it is walking/hiking along the beach and through trails and some sidewalk action.
We'll see how this works. I realize I'm working on my spirit. My soul feels tortured. I'm obsessed with weight and my image to the point of sacrificing my very being. I'm trying to overcome that.
If this touches anyone, if you're like me in any way, please feel free to chime in. Or if you can just relate, and have comments, I'd love to hear from you.
I'm going to write in my journal as often as I can, expressing myself feels good. Thanks for the opportunity and the cyber shoulders to lean on.
Thread: River's Edge - Journal