boyfriend doesn't want me to loose "too much"

empresscat · 07-01-2007, 02:31 PM

Well, I have run into an unexpected obstacle.
Guy I've had an on-again off-again relationship with, who is a personal trainer and BBer, I expected to be very supportive of my goals... and when he told me that he didn't think that 140 was realistic for me because of my frame, I took another look at the numbers and my LBM, and decided that he was right - I'm looking at 155-165.

But last night, he told me that even that would be "too skinny."

Which I thought was odd, because that's 20-22% bf, and seems reasonable to me.

Then he commented that I wouldn't want to lose my "cushion," because that's why he likes (to be blunt) having sex with me.

Dammit - I've had so many other guys in my life say these kinds of things - because most of them like BBWs, and they like me big. They think I could loose a little bit, but in reality, they aren't supportive of my weight loss. Whenever I try to talk about my diet or exercise, they tell me not to overdo it. I didn't expect this one to do the same thing.

He sure as **** won't put on fat for me (I like him at a little higher bodyfat than he generally maintains, he stays very lean most of the year) - but wants me to keep mine for him.

*sigh*

Just ranting.
I'll get to whatever size I want to be. If I like the way I look when I get to 175, I'll be happy with that, but if I want to lose more fat - I will - and he'll either accept it, or we won't be dating anymore.

empresscat · 07-01-2007, 02:37 PM

dammit, I wish you could edit the thread title... "loose" ? erg - that would be "lose"

twinnett · 07-01-2007, 02:37 PM

Gotta do it for you! My husband is the same...he likes woman "cushiony"...he hated when I was really skinny and thinks I look perfect now, but I want to be leaner!

RadiantStrength · 07-01-2007, 02:40 PM

I think you should do what you set yourself for. Live your life, and be true to your own goals. Don't be an extra in someone else's play---do it for yourself. It's your own body...

darkangel · 07-01-2007, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empresscat

Then he commented that I wouldn't want to lose my "cushion," because that's why he likes (to be blunt) having sex with me.

Guess you don't need us to tell you that's an extremely one dimensional and selfish reason for him to be voicing opinions about what YOU do with YOUR body. Doesn't sound like this guy's got your best interests and happiness foremost in his mind. Maybe it's time to be "off again."

Eileen · 07-01-2007, 03:32 PM

Just go for what you want. Chances are he'll be delighed with the end result. My DH says I used to be more cuddly in bed, but on the other hand, he's acquired a trophy wife without having to divorce the old one first.....

Simpy · 07-01-2007, 03:50 PM

Screw him. . . for now

Believe me, if he doesn't like the leaner Empress Cat, there are plenty of fellas out there who will. And what's not to like? You'll be leaner, healthier, have more energy. The list goes on and on and on.

Cushion isn't all it's cracked up to be. My husband prefers me to be bouncy

BFIT · 07-01-2007, 03:53 PM

Do what will make you happy...I've heard that one before as well...."don't loose too much"...but I had to do what I had to do for myself regardless of anybody elses opinion.....

gymfreak713 · 07-01-2007, 04:03 PM

Honestly, I have dated skinny women, BBWs, "thick" women, muscular women. Honestly, if someone is attracted to you and loves you, it doesnt matter what you look like. But heres the real truth, if you set a goal, that significant other should support your goal 110% no matter what, and then decide later if he/she is attracted to you or not. Why be negative? I personally think you would be hot at whatever weight and so your bf needs to just relax and let you attack your goals head on. Good luck

Jason

IronIc · 07-01-2007, 04:18 PM

I'd say go for what will make YOU happier. Your body is not his concern - it's yours!

empresscat · 07-01-2007, 09:02 PM

Oh, there's no thought of changing my goals to suit anyone's taste or desire but my own... I did solicit his input, and it's OK with me if he differs in opinion. He doesn't discourage me from dieting, and he enjoys discussing bodybuilding with me now that I've taken an interest.

When we met, I thought he looked "gross" because he was so huge - but I never had a problem with him working for that size, and in time learned to appreciate the aesthetic.

If I get closer to my goals and he starts discouraging me, then we have a problem. For now, I just keep doin' my thing and working toward my own ideal.

ShannonC_77 · 07-01-2007, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gymfreak713

Honestly, I have dated skinny women, BBWs, "thick" women, muscular women. Honestly, if someone is attracted to you and loves you, it doesnt matter what you look like. But heres the real truth, if you set a goal, that significant other should support your goal 110% no matter what, and then decide later if he/she is attracted to you or not. Why be negative? I personally think you would be hot at whatever weight and so your bf needs to just relax and let you attack your goals head on. Good luck

Jason

I wish there were more men out there like this!

Revmachine21 · 07-02-2007, 01:35 AM

EmpressCat, I think maybe he's too caught up in the imagined aesthetics of a particular number on the scale. Nobody really knows how you might look and feel at a particular weight after putting in all the work. Getting to 165 after lifting and working for it will certainly look and feel different than passing 165 when your weight was on the increase.

Are you working towards other more concrete health goals like lowered blood pressure, etc.? That might take the beauty factor out of your mission.

LiftingIsLife · 07-02-2007, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empresscat

If I get closer to my goals and he starts discouraging me, then we have a problem. For now, I just keep doin' my thing and working toward my own ideal.

as you should. be TRUE to yourself.

best,
~lifer

empresscat · 07-02-2007, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revmachine21

EmpressCat, I think maybe he's too caught up in the imagined aesthetics of a particular number on the scale. Nobody really knows how you might look and feel at a particular weight after putting in all the work. Getting to 165 after lifting and working for it will certainly look and feel different than passing 165 when your weight was on the increase.

Are you working towards other more concrete health goals like lowered blood pressure, etc.? That might take the beauty factor out of your mission.

My blood pressure is fine, actually - but my main reason for losing the weight is to reduce my risk of breast cancer, after watching my mother die from it... and to improve my chances of surviving it if I do get it.

So, really, the aesthetics are absolutely secondary - but I am going for a lower bodyfat than necessary for the health benefits as well.

Still, it's the journey.
I've been over 200 lbs since I was a teenager, so losing the weight really is a discovery process. No idea at all what I'll end up looking like.

italianmuscles · 07-02-2007, 11:58 AM

babes,do it for yourself
it`s your body
your life
do whatever makes u feel better
someone has to love you for who you are,not wanting to change you

jp8207 · 07-02-2007, 01:39 PM

I did it for myself and I am loving it. I am 5'8 and I am going to get to 135-140. But do what makes you happy. Just please you, dont worrie about the others.

Koolhaas · 07-02-2007, 01:44 PM

he doesn't want you to get skinny becuase then other guys will be all over you

Angelfish · 07-02-2007, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empresscat

I've been over 200 lbs since I was a teenager, so losing the weight really is a discovery process. No idea at all what I'll end up looking like.

You can do it

That discovery process is a trip!
Best wishes.

empresscat · 07-03-2007, 01:58 AM

Hahahaha
Ah, miscommunications.

He thinks I'm 5'8" - which is 2 inches taller than I am.
At 5'8" - to reach the same kind of fat/muscle ratio I'm looking at for my goal of around 155-160 lbs, I'd have to be 175-180 - which is the weight he recommended.

sigh

claycat · 07-03-2007, 07:54 AM

My husband was the same way, but, I kept at it and he is now so happy with MY results, that, he will now tell me when I get home from work, "to go work out, I will start dinner or I will watch the grand baby etc."

What a great turnabout!

empresscat · 07-03-2007, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by claycat

My husband was the same way, but, I kept at it and he is now so happy with MY results, that, he will now tell me when I get home from work, "to go work out, I will start dinner or I will watch the grand baby etc."

What a great turnabout!

How cool.

I've learned that I can't change myself according to anyone's desire or opinion but my own - because I'm the only one I absolutely have to live with.

moon girl · 07-03-2007, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empresscat

I've been over 200 lbs since I was a teenager, so losing the weight really is a discovery process. No idea at all what I'll end up looking like.

Exactly! You'll be surprised at how your body changes as you lose the weight and add muscle. I went from about 165 to about 145 and I look way different now from what I would have imagined. The way I see my 'body type' has changed a lot. I can't even imagine the difference you'll see after losing, say, 50+ lbs!

For example, back when I was heavier I thought 140 would make me skin and bones; now I know that that's far from true. I also always thought my calves were naturally big, but they've shrunk to a 'normal' size. I thought I was heavy set (big boned, wide) and although I'm not petite by any means, it's not as bad as I thought back then.

To get back to your original post - watching you change will be quite the experience for both of you. I'm sure your boyfriend's opinion about what a 'good' weight is will change (as will yours!) - probably multiple times - as you continue your journey. Just get started and see where it leads you - you'll have plenty of time to decide where you want to end up. It's not like you'll go from overweight to too skinny overnight.

polinutrigirl · 07-03-2007, 02:59 PM

You should make that a definite "off forever" relationship, if he cannot support your desire to be healthier.

empresscat · 07-03-2007, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polinutrigirl

You should make that a definite "off forever" relationship, if he cannot support your desire to be healthier.

He does support my desire to lose weight, and get to a healthy bodyfat level. My goal is to go a little leaner than is necessary for health.

If he weren't supportive at all, then yes - he'd be gone forever. I have cut out a few people who weren't supportive. Even my best friend, I don't talk to as much because, while not actively discouraging me, he's always telling me what a cute BBW I make, and how well I carry my weight, and how good I look at this size. Nice of him to be positive and all...

The current guy and I do talk about working out and nutrition, and he's never ever suggested that losing weight is a bad idea in general - just the specific weight I've chosen as a target. And since he thought I was two inches taller than I am, I now understand why he disagreed with me on that.

So, for now, he's safe.

slecompte · 07-04-2007, 12:21 PM

That's great you have your conviction to stay the course girl. It's all about you! It's what you want and what makes you happy. Once he see's the changes it makes not only physically to you he'll be even more supportive and if not you know he's not someone to keep around. My husband didn't want me to lose my butt when I started competing. But I can't pick and chose which areas will lose more than others. He's very supportive and jokes with me saying " Where'd my baby's booty go"? LOL Right after it's the reassurance of looking good

I think it's funny how alot of us gals want to be thin, thin, thin. Then once we start on the course we have others saying no, no, no!LOL! Keep up the great work girl!

LuvBigGirls · 08-21-2007, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gymfreak713

Honestly, I have dated skinny women, BBWs, "thick" women, muscular women. Honestly, if someone is attracted to you and loves you, it doesnt matter what you look like. But heres the real truth, if you set a goal, that significant other should support your goal 110% no matter what, and then decide later if he/she is attracted to you or not. Why be negative? I personally think you would be hot at whatever weight and so your bf needs to just relax and let you attack your goals head on. Good luck

Jason

Preach, brother.

Most of us have "types" and very few of my friends have married those "types." And I've noticed in the happy relationships, even if a guy, say, liked his woman bulkier, if she decided she needed to lose weight, he was right there exercising and dieting with her or doing what he could to support her.
Besides, when you feel stronger, healthier, more energetic and (most importantly) happier with your physical being, you'll exude an even greater vibrancy than what already attracted him. If he doesn't succumb to that, others will.

gfundaro · 08-21-2007, 07:17 PM

Oh, he'll get over it! And if he doesn't, then you'll find someone who loves you for YOU, whatever shape you're in. My bf misses my boobies, but he has never asked me to stop, and for every time he teases me jokingly, he says something supportive and sweet. 20% BF is a great, healthy goal, and you will still look great

momo5 · 08-21-2007, 10:17 PM

he's probably just worried that you may want to be stick woman :/

empresscat · 08-22-2007, 12:13 AM

Yeah, I've got a long way to go before I even approach "too skinny," so I'm not worrying about it.

I'm going for the body I want, and if he doesn't like it, I'm sure he'll move right along and he'll be welcome to do so. For now, things are fine.