Approaching my roommate about her unhealthy lifestyle...

kelliewrx · 05-07-2007, 03:41 PM

I have lived with my roommate since October. We met on the internet (Craigslist ad) a few months before we moved in together, so we were not friends until we became roommates. We both work full time, so we don't spend a whole lot of time together, but when we have mutual days off, we do spend time together. She is 25 years-old, and works 3 days a week as a nurse. Her hours are long, but she has 4 days a week off, so she spends a lot of time at home. She is beautiful and intelligent, and she's a wonderful person, but she is also extremely overweight.

So my question is do you think I would be completely overstepping my boundaries by saying something to her? Would it be totally out of line? I have invited her to the gym before on more than one occasion, and she always makes excuses, so obviously she isn't comfortable with the idea of working out with me. I'd like to offer to help her find a routine and diet she's comfortable with, but I don't know how to approach it, or if I even should approach it. I just hate watching her do this to herself, I know she would be so much happier if she'd make a few simple changes in her lifestyle. Is it none of my business? What do you ladies think?

Jamie M · 05-07-2007, 03:47 PM

It won't do much good to push it. Maybe ask her if she'd like to take a walk with you on nice days or something. Trying to force her into something she obviously doesn't want to do will most likely ruin your friendship.

kelliewrx · 05-07-2007, 03:52 PM

I had no intentions of trying to force her into anything. I just want to know if there is any good way to ask her about it, or if it's something I should just leave alone.

Jamie M · 05-07-2007, 04:00 PM

If you hassle her about it, it might make her feel forced. I would maybe suggest taking walks on nice days with her(if she wants) or since she's a nurse, tell her that a lifting program might help with her career.

darkangel · 05-07-2007, 04:19 PM

In my experience, it does little good to approach someone, hoping to reform their eating or other lifestyle habits, unless they first bring the subject up to you and show some interest. If she's extremely overweight, she's probably set in her ways and also very touchy about it. IMHO, it's not worth destroying what relationship you've built so far. Finding a good roommate is tough. If you hurt or upset her - even with good intentions - your shared living arrangement could become very uncomfortable.

I think your best bet is to continue to model good eating habits and a healthy lifestyle for her. Maybe she'll eventually open up to you and ask for help.

Becca! · 05-07-2007, 04:45 PM

Well in my opinion, if she doesnt care about her weight then dont breach the subject with her, she may be happy? i dont know? but if she makes comments like she wishes she was slimmer etc then definately tell her your there for support and you will help her! Im the type of person that would bring it up in converstaion i guess... even if she gets cross with you for a while.. she'll soon realise you were being a true friend and being honest with her.

Revmachine21 · 05-07-2007, 05:44 PM

I wouldn't approach it directly.... but you might ask her to come along to the gym because you are "getting bored & need a little company".

Friends sometimes do things for each other that they wouldn't do for themselves.

BicepGurl · 05-07-2007, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revmachine21

I wouldn't approach it directly.... but you might ask her to come along to the gym because you are "getting bored & need a little company".

Friends sometimes do things for each other that they wouldn't do for themselves.

I really like this idea.

I also have an overweight/obese roommate and have an extremely hard time talking to her.

I'm betting its her diet and lack of exercise... Try testing the waters a bit by maybe offering to cook for her one night (if you're willing to of course) and hinting how you can make healthy food taste amazing. This may only work if you are a good cook

Hope you have more luck than I do!

Lckymii · 05-07-2007, 06:25 PM

She may be happy doing what she is doing, just like you are happy living your life the way you do.
I agree with the ladies here, ask her do go for walks with you or to keep you company at the gym. But it all boils down to the fact that you really can't make someone want to be a certain way.

kelliewrx · 05-07-2007, 06:31 PM

Thanks for the input, everyone. I appreciate it, it always helps to hear things from an outside perspective. I obviously don't want to put my roommate in an uncomfortable position. I respect her, and I wouldn't want to do anything to compromise our friendship, I just hate watching her harm her body. I have actually tried to get her to come to our apartment gym just to keep me company. She made an excuse, but said she might come another time. She also once said that she'd start coming with me once she got her new iPod. She got the iPod, but she has yet to join me. It is possible that she's happy the way she is, because she NEVER mentions anything about wanting to lose weight, and I've never seen her make any attempts to cut out junk food. I'd say it's much more likely that she's in denial and/or too uncomfortable to bring it up.

I think I'm going to wait until I know her better to say anything about it. I'll keep inviting her to the gym occasionally, and I'll definitely try to get her to come on walks with me. Thanks again, everyone!

solstice · 05-07-2007, 07:48 PM

That's a tough one. In almost every case I would say "Warning! Danger Will Robinson!" and advise you to avoid confronting her. Now- that said, I think it's well within the bounds of friendship and niceness to offer to cook healthy meals you both can share, ask if she wants to take a walk with you, ask if she can spot you with your weights or something and let HER come to YOU with more if she's ready. But if you approach it like she's doing "wrong" she will probably be hurt, self conscious, feel like crap and may crawl deeper into her unhealthy habits to sooth the sting and push you and any chance of getting through to her away. MHO.

jessy44 · 05-07-2007, 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelliewrx

Thanks for the input, everyone. I appreciate it, it always helps to hear things from an outside perspective. I obviously don't want to put my roommate in an uncomfortable position. I respect her, and I wouldn't want to do anything to compromise our friendship, I just hate watching her harm her body. I have actually tried to get her to come to our apartment gym just to keep me company. She made an excuse, but said she might come another time. She also once said that she'd start coming with me once she got her new iPod. She got the iPod, but she has yet to join me. It is possible that she's happy the way she is, because she NEVER mentions anything about wanting to lose weight, and I've never seen her make any attempts to cut out junk food. I'd say it's much more likely that she's in denial and/or too uncomfortable to bring it up.

I think I'm going to wait until I know her better to say anything about it. I'll keep inviting her to the gym occasionally, and I'll definitely try to get her to come on walks with me. Thanks again, everyone!

Hmmm....I know that when I was overweight(50lbs) I was pretty oblivious. I had great self confidence and if anyone ever made comments to me (which they did) I thought they were nuts!!! The only reason I decided to lose weight was health reasons. I graduated from college and thought, "Okay, time to lose weight" cause I thought I had more time and it made sense. Looking back I wish I hadn't gained the weight in the first place...because I wasn't typically overweight...just for a few years. If someone had come at me asking me to work out or eat healthier I would've been annoyed and definitely would've made excuses. I thought that working out was stupid. Yeah. I thought that I should be confident in myself for how I was...and I was. But I didn't realize until later on that being HEALTHY is important as well.

I don't think I would ever sit someone down and have a 'talk' with them...no matter how much I think they need it or I want to help. I have friends who I see being lazy, overeating, not exercising AT ALL...it's hard to see. But, it's HARDER to lose a friend over. They will change if they want. Not because someone else tells them to. I think that it's okay to offer them to go out walking with you, go to the gym...but realize that they will most likely ALWAYS say no. Until, that is, they decide for themselves. And some people are STUBBORN and will do the opposite of what you say just because they are self concious and suppose that you are on some high horse. Which, of course you aren't...but that is just what I would have thought of someone trying to talk to me...and that is what I think people think of me when I talk about working out/eating healthy. Kinda sucks...cause it's really something I enjoy talking about!!!

kelliewrx · 05-07-2007, 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jessy44

...that you are on some high horse. Which, of course you aren't...but that is just what I would have thought of someone trying to talk to me...and that is what I think people think of me when I talk about working out/eating healthy. Kinda sucks...cause it's really something I enjoy talking about!!!

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I'm constantly talking about my health and fitness stuff not because I'm trying to brainwash her, but because it genuinely interests me. I know she realizes it's a passion of mine, but she probably also thinks I'm on some high horse. Oh well, all I can do is hope she'll come around.

enforcerlady · 05-07-2007, 10:55 PM

I agree that you are dealing with a very delicate subject. How overweight is she? Does she have any related health problems yet? Because if she does, I don't think you would be out of line having a conversation with her to express your concern for her health. Still, whether or not that is appropriate depends on how overweight she is and how close your relationship is.

If a real sit down conversation isn't warranted, then maybe you could just casually mention (when the topic arises) that you would be happy to help her with a workout and a nutritional plan if she ever becomes interested.

kelliewrx · 05-07-2007, 11:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by enforcerlady

If a real sit down conversation isn't warranted, then maybe you could just casually mention (when the topic arises) that you would be happy to help her with a workout and a nutritional plan if she ever becomes interested.

That was pretty much what I had in mind, but I've been waiting for her to give me an opening, and I'm not sure she ever will. She is 5'4" and definitely over 200 lbs. I'm not a very good judge of weight, but it would be fair to say that she is obese. And she's so pretty!

kitebean · 05-08-2007, 02:00 AM

She is probably just totally intimidated by your lifestyle, and thinks that never in a million years could she 'be like you' or 'do what you do'....

Going on walks is a great idea, and can you think of anything else that she would definetly be able to do and enjoy? Have you ever cooked her a healthy meal?

I dunno it is SO HARD, because it's clear that you want to help. Sorry I don't have any better suggestions, but good luck

Tyrbolift · 05-08-2007, 02:18 AM

What's her history? Any athletics at all?

I've known a few women that couldn't even stand to sweat or exert themselves. Working out is a totally foreign concept to them. If she is this type of person, I suggest you don't say anything, not even "when the opportunity presents itself."

She is well aware of your lifestyle and can ask if she's interested. You are a good role model for health and fitness, but beyond that, you have to accept that some people will be fat their whole lives, for better or for worse. The data is obvious and irrefutable re: obesity. She knows that. She makes her choices. And she is just as valid a person as anyone (I'm sure you realize that, no lecture)

AIC04 · 05-08-2007, 02:42 AM

If you wanna stay on good terms dont bring it up imho..

zazi28 · 05-10-2007, 04:04 AM

Don't bring it up. But you could still do little things like say .... hey want to come for a walk with me? that way it's not as huge as going to a gym... where even i worry about how i look if im feeling fat and it's casual... i guess the trick is to address the issue without making it an issue.... just keep on offering healthy alternatives as casually and un-highandedly as possible and don't be too obvious. that might cause resentment. you dont want it to be a 'so you think you're better than me because you're not fat' situation....

TurbulentFluid · 05-10-2007, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyrbolift

What's her history? Any athletics at all?

I've known a few women that couldn't even stand to sweat or exert themselves. Working out is a totally foreign concept to them. If she is this type of person, I suggest you don't say anything, not even "when the opportunity presents itself."

She is well aware of your lifestyle and can ask if she's interested. You are a good role model for health and fitness, but beyond that, you have to accept that some people will be fat their whole lives, for better or for worse. The data is obvious and irrefutable re: obesity. She knows that. She makes her choices. And she is just as valid a person as anyone (I'm sure you realize that, no lecture)

Bump.
If she has an athletic history, however, maybe go down that road? I know a few women who'd never enter a gym because they claim it's horribly boring - but they are avid volleyball and handball players and keep fit that way... maybe suggest her to join a team of whatever she used to play before? Tell her you'd be much more confident if you joined together because you're a lousy player, and would benefit from her experience...