"You're doing a bodybuilding contest?? Are you gonna be all big and freaky??"

[frolik]

^^ what my best friend said when I told her I'd be doing the university contest in the fall.
(Yea, um, it's a fundraising event for the women's track team. Therefore, the judges are quite fond of lean, mean, running machine bodies.)

So this is my pre-contest prep journal.

Why I decided to do the contest:
-because I've finally made it one month purge-free for the first time ever and I'd like to take further steps to better my overall health
-because I need more motivation to stop bingeing once and for all and get my ass back in shape
-because I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way my body is beginning to look with muscles and curves
-because I'm damn competitive and therefore need a competitive goal to look forward to, this whole "okay, I'm healthier... not that there's much to compare to..." is great and all, but it's not doing enough. (in case you haven't noticed, I also have a potty mouth. please forgive me.)
-because my silly boyfriend wasn't going to shut up about it until I decided to actually do the contest haha, he's doing it too
-because I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of being on stage and feel like changing that =) (though you'd think, as a cheerleader, that I'd be better at that!)
-because I want more strength to cheer better
-because exercise is a million times more effective than my antidepressants at keeping me happy
-because I'm an attention whore and like smiling at loads of people. (clearly, just not from on stage)
-because I'm going to WIN.



Current plan:
Monday arms/ back, Tuesday core, Wednesday shoulders/chest, Thursday legs, Friday core

cardio every day, anywhere from 1/2 an hour upwards. Recently it's been significantly higher (2-3 hours), due to lots of free time and necessary stress relief during finals and the fact that I read better while multitasking, and the task of the week is slow walking on the treadmill (yea, I'm an uberperfectionist and born multitasker.)

6 meals, spaced approx. 3 hours apart:
-2 whey protein(1 scoop) smoothies with 8 oz. lowfat yogurt, 1 c. frozen berries, and diet mountain dew or sparkling water.
-salad with spring mix, broccoli, carrots, cucumbers, lentils, sprouts, portabella, tofu, and 1 T dressing with a heavily seeded roll, all split in 2
-2 omelettes w/ 3/4 c. egg beaters, mushroom/ broccoli, and cayenne pepper =)

I'd like to be more lax with my diet, given my history, but at the moment, I'm finding that this combo works best for preventing binges =o/ It's about 39%/ 39%/ 21%, 1300 calories.

aiming for 1-2 gallons of water per day and cutting down on the diet soda/ snapples.


I'm currently about 160, though that takes into account last night's binge and severe PMS. I'm looking to go on stage at about 118. I've been at that weight before, on my way back up from 98, and found it was the most comfortable set point for me. It's definitely lean, considering I have a medium/large frame, but not too low, and I think it'd be good w/ muscle.

I'm about 100% mesomorphic, so I gain muscle really fast and can lose fat fairly quickly without losing muscle. I'm guessing that had I not binged 16 times in the last month, I would be considerably thinner at this point. I just did the calculations and at an average of 6000 calories per binge, 16 times, I should have gained around 27.5 pounds this month, but instead gained I'm guessing around 8, and my best friend is claiming that I definitely look as if I've LOST weight. so hey, I can totally get competition-ready.

[frolik]

my thighs need work. they're so BIG! I guess I need fat loss, and maintaining the same weights to avoid them growing larger?

On the bright side, I discovered calf striations!!

[frolik]

God only knows why I'm doing mechE if I hate it, but hey, maybe that's just me trying desperately to avoid studying right now. Stupid finals.

Today's been good so far- 5/6 meals, last one should be in about an hour or two. It's been difficult for me to avoid bingeing today, missing appointments is always a huge trigger for me. Unfortunately, I missed my psych appointment this morning because I was working out and thought I didn't have to be there for another hour aaah! Oh well. She said that happens about 50% of the time people reschedule on the phone, so it's "acceptable". Mostly got over the feeling of urgent "must.binge.now" by inviting the bf over and therefore having company until it went away. Unfortunately, that means I got ZERO studying done!!

Got in 40 min. of cardio and 20 min. weights this morning, and just completed another 40 on the stairmaster/ treadmill.
Rather annoyed though- I love to use the fitness room downstairs at night time, as it's usually completely empty. Me being hot, relatively immodest, and a PMSy bitch, I generally just work out in a sports bra when I'm down there. Yea, well, that doesn't work when I'm ****ing interrupted every 10 minutes by people wanting the treadmill!! Grr.

[frolik]

Just uploaded some older photos (i.e. before college/ weight gain)... is 118 perhaps too low to go?? In most of the pics, I had a significantly lower amount of muscle (despite years of tae kwon do), so I'm kind of wondering what I'd look like back at 130, 120, 115....

[twinnett]

I wouldn't set a number goal....I was down to 110# and looked sickly and still way too little at 118# too. Just go by how you look and feel! Your thighs don't look huge by the way!

[frolik]

doing well again today, though I was later than I thought in getting back from my therapist today and therefore didn't have my 3rd meal until 4 hours after the 2nd. Has anyone else noticed that if they go for longer than 3 hours w/o food, they get REALLY hungry?? Anyways, I decided to eat the whole salad rather than 1/2, combining meals 3 & 4- though I'll still be waiting til 7 for my 5th meal.

1 hour walking ~3.5 mph on 4.0 incline this morning, 20 minutes core work
most likely will have more walking later on today, depending on the amount of portable study material...


picture time! I'm bloated, and still, I swear the fat's just melting off!!

[frolik]

My therapist is supporting me doing the contest!! yay!! I was afraid she'd be like my nutritionist and immediately jump to the (inaccurate) conclusion that I was overexercising (yea, like that's even possible. me = not a huge fan of cardio machines. the only reason I've been doing so much recently is because it makes studying remotely less dull.) but she thought it was a great idea!! =)

[frolik]

Good day today. I got all the meals in, got some studying done, and I kept myself to just 45 minutes of cardio (30 min interval stairmaster, 15 min incline treadmill)- I don't want my body to get so used to tons and tons of cardio when I won't have so much free time come fall!! I can't wait to lift again on Monday- arms & back! It's funny, I've been like dying to lift, but I know with my genetics, if I lift each part 2x a week I'll gain more mass than I'm interested in. So I'm waiting blah. Tomorrow morning is another 45 minutes cardio, then back to hitting the books before my first two finals Monday. Still trying to figure out what I'm going to do this summer- my internship plans are not panning out as expected, so I might be stuck at home =(, and probably have to get some sort of stupid boring part-time job. There's a World Gym about 15 minutes walking distance from my house though, so if I end up being home, I'll definitely be trying to get a membership there and perhaps seeing if they have any sort of unskilled job openings. We'll see. Any experiences w/ World Gym? I've never actually been there.

[Simpy]

Originally Posted by frolik

is 118 perhaps too low to go??

Don't set a specific weight. If you need a goal, aim for a specific bodyfat percentage. 118 is way too low, though. To get to that you would have to lose all your fat and some muscle. That's definitely not what you want to do if you're planning on doing a bodybuilding show.

Good luck.

[frolik]

Thanks for the advice! I guess I'll just have to see how it goes... I don't know my bodyfat nor do I want to know haha- it seems like a slightly scary concept. Also, it's actually really a figure show, so if I lose a teensy bit of muscle it would probably still be okay. I'm hoping to fly in cheerleading, so anything above about 125 is usually too heavy even for the guys to lift. I'm going to practice flying with my boyfriend over the summer though (oopsies, dating a teammate =) ), so as soon as he can lift me w/o breaking his back, it's all good haha.

[frolik]

Also, I think my main goal will just be a size 2.

[frolik]

Found an old workout program from one of the captains!
I modified it a little to fit my schedule, and I'm still quite confused on when/ how much cardio, but it's a start. Suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated! =)

Monday
Shoulders/Biceps/Triceps-
3 sets 12 reps
Push Press (6-8 reps)
Upright Barbell Rows
Lateral DB Raises
Cable Pressdown
Tricep Kickbacks
Dumbbell Curls
DB Hammer Curls


Tuesday
Abs-
3x 25 Jackknife sit up
4x 40 Lying Leg Raise
4x 50 Crunches
3x 12 Weighted Sit-ups



Wednesday
Chest/Back-
3 sets of 12 reps
Pushups (3x to failure; chest touching ground)
Pushups with feet on a bench (3x to failure)
Pushups with hands on a bench (3x to failure)
Lat Pulldowns / Pullups
Cable Rows
DB Shrugs



Thursday
Legs-
4 sets 12 reps
Squats
Walking Lunges
Leg Extensions
Leg Curls
Standing calf raises



Friday
Abs-
3x 25 Jackknife sit up
4x 40 Lying Leg Raise
4x 50 Crunches with hands behind head
3x 12 Weighted Sit-ups

[frolik]

I'm done I'm done I'm done I'm done I'm done! *dances around*
I survived freshman year. woo.

Anyways, I'm moving out of the dorms tomorrow, staying at home for a few days, and then going off to the beach!! Planning on waking up early, doing some running and yoga barefoot on the beach, heading to the local gym that I found (no need for those bodyweight exercises, I think! yay!) , and then miscellaneous chores/ relaxing stuff til I decide to sleep.

The past few days have been iffy- a few binges, missed some cardio. Definitely could have been better, but all things considered, it 's not atrocious.

[frolik]

Also, I'm giving up the scale for the entire duration of my beach stay.
I figure it's merely unnecessary stress, and I'm only bringing one pair of jeans. I'll be able to tell any progress from the jeans and pictures. Should be interesting.

[frolik]

AAAH it's too windy to run!! Damn cold beaches. The Jersey Shore is not quite California when it comes to nice, beautiful workout weather. I think I'll have to do my beach run later on this afternoon, in a few layers and a SWEATSHIRT =( Monday's usually my arms day, but I'm switching it up and doing abs today. I've been changing up the meal plan stuff since I got home though, which is pretty exciting.

Today:

9A: smoothie (same recipe as before)
11:30P: omelette
2P: 4 oz. grilled mahimahi.... mmm seafood!!
4:30P: 1/2 c. wasabi peas (I had far too much fun at Trader Joe's.)
7P: smoothie
9:30: protein pancake (we'll see how that goes, I've never made one before!)

total is something like 140g pro/ 180g carb/ 25g fat... oopsies lots of carbs, but it's a guess. I should probably try calculating it later.

[frolik]

Just calculated it on Fitday... waaaay less than I thought!!

1126 cals... 126 pro/ 112 carb/ 17 fat. 46%/ 40%/ 14%

I guess I need more carbs and fat.

Would it be okay to skip that considering I binged on PLENTY of carbs and fats last night? (pt of ice cream, muffin, donut, some marshmallows... =( actually that's a really really small binge. go me. one day at a time.)

[GyMgrrrL]

WOW. You remind me so much of myself!
Mmm, engineering.... I was an ME, too. Graduated, have a great job, but, its just a job to me My passion is fitness so hopefully one day I can make a career change- we'll see.
Binging, yep, I still suffer on occasion, never purge, never have. But I have gone through the starve-binge cycles. Horrible.

Congrats on being done with freshman year.... I remember that feeling!

I'll definitly be following your progress. We're about the same size so it will be interesting to see you get ready for the stage.

Oh- and I agree with everyone else, dont set a weight, bodyfat and measurments are much better goals. Especially with past eating disorder behavior it may be triggering- trust me!

[frolik]

ew. I feel like I'm BULKING- everything just keeps getting bigger!!

[twinnett]

Hi! Good job controlling the binge! I used to do the whole binge/ starve/ exercise myself to the ground thing. Once you start allowing yourself small, controlled treats here and there, the urge to binge really does go away!!

[frolik]

=( I binged again last night. No actual hunger, and yet I freaked about my grades for the semester, and decided to "punish" myself with food. Silly move. I'm back on track today, I'm going to do the same MP as yesterday since I never finished it (minus the cereal that I had added in for those extra C/ F, considering it's now all gone.) I wish it had been another small binge, but it wasn't. Oh well. One day at a time. J's coming up this evening and staying with me for a few days. We decided not to tell the parentals. That should keep me on track a bit more- I NEVER binge with him around, he's who got me to stop purging in the first place.
I took "Body Sculpt" and "Cardio Step" classes this morning, mostly because they're free this week. I have never felt like more of a klutz. I biked there, which was fun, other than the 1/2 against the wind and the fact that I forgot about my flat tires until already there haha. I'll be back there again at 5 to lift. I think today will be shoulders/ bis.

Off to nap. Oh, how I love not working yet.

[batteryrequired]

Originally Posted by GyMgrrrL

WOW. You remind me so much of myself!
Mmm, engineering.... I was an ME, too. Graduated, have a great job, but, its just a job to me My passion is fitness so hopefully one day I can make a career change- we'll see.
Binging, yep, I still suffer on occasion, never purge, never have. But I have gone through the starve-binge cycles. Horrible.

Congrats on being done with freshman year.... I remember that feeling!

I'll definitly be following your progress. We're about the same size so it will be interesting to see you get ready for the stage.

Oh- and I agree with everyone else, dont set a weight, bodyfat and measurments are much better goals. Especially with past eating disorder behavior it may be triggering- trust me!

Wow...couple of nice lookin engineers in here! I am one myself, Arch. Engineering is what I went to school for and have been in Electrical and Automotive fields as well. Now just an RV (recreational vehicle) engineer....basiclly a house on wheels But ya I hear ya, just a job to me too. Work hard to get out and play hard in the gym!

[GyMgrrrL]

Originally Posted by batteryrequired

Wow...couple of nice lookin engineers in here! I am one myself, Arch. Engineering is what I went to school for and have been in Electrical and Automotive fields as well. Now just an RV (recreational vehicle) engineer....basiclly a house on wheels But ya I hear ya, just a job to me too. Work hard to get out and play hard in the gym!

Sorry to hijack the journal....

But what RV co do you work for? I almost took a job at Fleetwood, but ended up turning it down, I know a couple people who worked for National RV too.

[frolik]

woohoo posting here instead of bingeing! Made it through the last few days wonderfully- lots of fun at the new gym, walked on the beach today, ate lots of yummy clean food, spent time with the BF, napped frequently. I also discovered Emma-Leigh's protein pancakes (at least I think it was her, pardon me if it wasn't!)- egg whites, oatmeal, cinnamon, and Splenda. AMAZING. absolutely delicious. despite the fact that I suck at cooking and therefore it never comes out looking even remotely like a pancake haha. I also went out for ice cream yesterday w/ J- butter almond and black raspberry on a waffle cone. It was heavenly. Huge, but heavenly. I'm really proud of myself for being able to enjoy that one ice cream without turning it into a binge. Yes, it's a lot of calories, but it was enjoyable, and for me, enjoying food is what matters. I still was hungry for the other meals, so I doubt it affected my calories too horrendously much, it's just a little cheat =)

I'll be running in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Sunday. My mom was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer in June, my grandfather is a 20-some-year survivor, and my great-aunt died of breast cancer, so it's always been a walk my mom and I do in honor and in memory of those two. This year, with improved fitness and a will from watching my mom go through months of chemo and radiation, I decided to run. I'm definitely no runner, and not at all prepared, as I run merely sporadically, but I figure it's the effort that counts. I plan to run as far as I can, and if I'm exhausted, walk. After all, it's only 3 miles. And as soon as I finish, I'll be making my way back through the route again to finish up the walk alongside my mom, little pink hat and all.

[frolik]

I did it!! I did a 10K!! Walked 1/2, ran 1/2, and it was wonderful!!

I've definitely gotten off track recently with the eating... way too much bingeing since I've been home for the weekend.. Lots of cruddy bagels, protein bars, french toast, and Easy Mac. Yucky.

[frolik]

I'm back at the shore, and back on track!

Today:
8:30 smoothie
11:30 protein pancake
2:30 Wawa carrots/ celery/ peanut butter
30 minute walk in the sun
5:30 omelette
shoulders/bis/tris
10 min elliptical, 15 min treadmill
8:30 smoothie
abs
11:30 omelette
1331 cals: 131p (40%)/ 120c (36%)/ 34f (24%)


Tomorrow:
6:00 smoothie
chest/back
rollerblading
9:00 omelette
12:00 seafood blend
3:00 Green Beans & Applesauce (I got the Body Transformation Cookbook today yay!!)
6:00 Tomato Tempeh Skillet
9:00 Mahi Mahi
139p/ 99c/ 21f

[frolik]

mmkay, so yesterday and today weren't quite so much on track, but tomorrow's planned out:
6:00 smoothie
9:00 omelette
12:00 garlic & feta shrimp
3:00 boca stir-fry
6:00 smoothie
9:00 protein pancake
[1256: 141 (46%)pro/ 126 (40%) carb/ 18 (13%) fat]

I'll be doing legs & cardio in the morning- only half as much on the legs as I've been doing- my quads are huge and it needs to go down a lot. No, it's not just high BF- I can't pinch much. Lots of cardio required though. Lots.

[frolik]

I've hit bottom, I think. I've been bawling to my nutritionist for the last 1/2 hour. I'm fat and I hate myself, and it's all my fault. I can't ****ing stop bingeing, my parents won't get off my freaking back now that I'm spending an actual week at home, they're turning into the food police, which just makes me want to binge more, and I'm failing. I'm never going to win this ****ing competition at the rate I'm going- I'm going to be too fat to even make it into jeans. I feel like a worthless piece of lard. I want this, i want this so so bad, but right now, right now I can't even imagine it. On top of all that, I'm sick and can't get up the slightest bit of motivation to even move off the couch, let alone go to a gym. Almost all of my job opportunities have fallen through, no one wants me, my boyfriend is 300 miles away, my parents think I'm failing, my brother doesn't care, I'm not doing what I want as far as academics & classes, and I'm a worthless piece of ****.

[buffandspirited]

Originally Posted by frolik

, and I'm a worthless piece of ****.

All of the other stuff is fixable, but this is certainly NOT true. You know this. Looking back at your posts regarding diet, it appears too low of calories are what is causing you to binge. Almost every single lady on this forum has experienced this. Severe restriction leads to this....either for mental or physical reasons. My guess for you is that it's both. Your mood is also affected by dieting. At your weight and height, you really need to start with a higher caloric intake, otherwise you're going to have no where to go when you start dropping weight. If I were you I would set my average daily intake to somewhere around 1750-1800 and go from there with your hard lifting workouts and cardio 3 times a week (HIIT if possible). I really think this will help you. You will need to realize that it might take a couple of weeks to readjust but you'll feel much better and you'll be more likely to stick with it.

[irish0418]

I know how you feel! I'm at a point right now where I just HATE the way I look...it's never been sooo bad! Just be consistent..that's what's important

[frolik]

Today was a much much better day. I ate clean, got a gym membership for home, worked out there (shoulders/ biceps/ triceps, 20 min walking- my boobs hurt. stupid PMS.), got my new sneakers in the mail, and spent some time walking with my mom outside =)

I had a conversation with my parents last night and we decided that as long as I show them my food plan for the day, it's my judgement (good OR bad) to binge and they then are not allowed to make any comments other than "so hey, where's that plan? can you go make a new one?" The previous 'Food Police' act they had been doing was immensely triggering and contributing further to the binges. I'm not one hundred percent sure what's been causing them lately, but I think it has a lot to do with being at home when I hadn't planned on it, and 'Girl, Interrupted' the other night throwing me for a loop and causing worries about a good friend of mine currently in rehab and a ton of flashbacks to two years ago, when I myself spent a month in rehab for anorexia. Waking up with mucuousy throat and not being able to swallow + flashbacks to anorexia = beginning the day with restriction == bingeing.



Two things I'm very very happy about:
- Thursday will make it TWO MONTHS since I last purged. Wow.
- Get this: the gym I joined has NO SCALE. I freaking love it!! Can't obsess if it's not there...



I apologize for my journal being rather ED-focused, I realize this is not quite the place for that, and yet as the bb diet and exercise is a MAJOR part of my recovery, I find it vital to get this all off my chest here, where it feels safe. Thank you. Now, on to the meals/ workout:

Meal 1: smoothie
Meal 2: protein pancake
Meal 3: omelette
Meal 4: 4 oz. shrimp, 2 c. broccoli.
Meal 5: smoothie/ 1 c. frozen strawberries. sucking on them made my pounding headache feel slightly better yay. Then again, maybe that was just the Advil. =)

12 cups water

11 AM: 30 minutes bi/tri/shoulder exercises with 10 & 15 lb weights. Unfortunately, I didn't have my workout sheets or much concentration, so I did the usual exercises, but have no idea what haha. I also did 20 minutes incline walking on the treadmill.

5:30 PM: Walked 6.3 miles in the park, up and down big hills, in my spiffy new shoes (Nike+ AirMax, colors designed by moi.) I'll be posting a picture soon, they're crazy colorful. I stole mom's Nike+ sensor to get the mileage, it was quite exciting. Hopefully I'll be getting my own soon. Maybe when I finally get a job....?


Can't calculate the macros for anything until about Saturday- I forgot my FitDay password, and I have that and the macros for my smoothies/ omelettes/ pancakes all saved on my laptop, which is still at the beach =(