How to encourage an overweight wife

[JD1213]

I try explaining it like this- look at all my relatives that have health problems right now. They are of course at least 30 years or more older than me. Some of them have either diabetes, high blood pressure, coranary artery disease etc. Try to see where they went wrong. Most of them didnt eat right, never exercised and lead a stressfull life. Now that they are older and ill they are trying to change their lives by eating right or exercising and spending alot of money at the Doctors. But thats still harder for them to do now that they are ill and older.

I look at it like this. If they would have changed thier lifestyles back when they were younger they would have changed the outcome of thier health in thier senior.

I dont want to spend My retirement at the Doctors office or on medication. I want to enjoy my life and I want us (my wife and I) to enjoy those years together. So if I can help change that now by making just a few changes in lifestyle habits then i will. For the good of Both of us and our children who will intern learn good habits from us.

Does that make sense?
Take care.
-JD1213

[domineaux]

Negative comments from you will just annoy her. She'll tune you out and gain more. Bite your tongue before you blast or rag on her.

You can use the negative comments on some people, but most people will just tune you out nod and get away from you as fast as they can. Funny thing is...the don't return calls thereafter. (That could be good)

Positive comments will be more effective.

Taking her to the gym probably won't cut it. She'll have lot's of comrades to commiserate with. The gym has as many fatties as fitties. If she expresses an interest to go to the gym with you, initiated by herself only, then let her go. When you get there let her do her own thing. You might mention she look into getting a PT. It'll cost you, but it might be the thing that'll get her involved.

I would suggest you need to take some time to really think about how to approach issues you have with her. Remember she's your avowed wife and mother of your precious children. You've gotta get creative, caring and sensitive about her feelings before you're gonna connect. I can guarantee you this...she ain't happy with her fat self either, unless she's got issues. Issues that might require psychological counsel.

Often as spouses we can encourage issues without even knowing it. We've just gotta be more sensitive and caring to those we love, if we want to help.

This is probably gobble-de-goop to many, but frankly I'm a very sensitive guy.

[ChocoChick]

Does that make sense?
Take care.
-JD1213

This is a really smart outlook. Too bad more people don't come around to this way of thinking before it's pretty much too late.

[crazycelt]

My wife about two years ago - before I met her - had trimmed down 65 pounds and was quite trim and slender (from the pictures of her I've seen - yowza!) However, the weight crept back up for her and now, she's gained back about 40 pounds of it. She did lose some since then, but she still needs to lose about 30-35 lbs. (I would say she's about 185 at 5'7"). Since I workout 5 times a week, walk regularly, and am losing bodyfat, she continually compliments me on my physique (and she's come to love the muscles), but then she notices that she doesn't get equivalent return compliments from me as much -- hmm, go figure. I don't want to lie and make her think that I love fat bodies, but neither do I want to hurt her feelings. I would love for her to get back into a size 12, but when she discards her diet to binge on corn dogs and tater tots like she did last night at her sister's, I know she's not really serious about dieting.

Anyone had any success in this area? Experienced-only preferred(!)

Pal, Welcome to marriage hell! The scene you described is very close to my own. To make things worse, my wife goes to the gym 3x per week, and rationalizes this as an excuse for her obesity! I have commented on food frequency and amount, even tried to lead by example. Nothing I do has worked. A few weeks ago, I asked our son what he wants to get Mom for her birthday. He responded "A book that will help her lose weight!". I asked him to share that with Mom on her birthday. We'll see...

[Original Poster]

IMO all the naggin in the world will not doing anything. Except cause marriage problems for many.

A person must want to make the lifestyle changes for themselves.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

A persons health is a very personal thing. While sure, it effects their marriage, family and quality of life.......it's still a personal decison.

IMO the only thing a spouce can do is help to educate the other about nutrition, exercise benfits and how the body works. Once we have the information, it's still a personal hoice to get off your ass and be proactive about your health.

YOU HAVE TO WANT TO !
It has to become a priority in your life. Until then, nothing will help much.

I myself have tried to lead by example.
While my wife has not fully jumped on board, I do see my girls making better choices.
My example to them is starting to rub off......especially to my oldest, who is now starting to get extreamly physical conscience.

[kimsquit]

I dont want to spend My retirement at the Doctors office or on medication...So if I can help change that now by making just a few changes in lifestyle habits then i will.

This is exactly what went through my head and got me off the sofa on April 30th, 2003!

[Mango7]

There's always internet porn

[empresscat]

Often when a woman has just had children, so much of her energy is devoted to them that it becomes difficult to find time and energy for herself. Also, it's often the case that the children get so much of the attention and compliments that the mother can start to feel invisible and unappreciated.

If she's binging on unhealthy foods, it is likely that she's also depressed - as people who are happy don't binge. They may not always eat well, out of convenience, but in my experience - if the general behavior (not the exceptions) is unhealthy - than that's a person who is down on themselves.

It's not when we are down that we make a change, though that seems like when we should do it. When we're down, we fall into old habits, because they are comfortable.

It's when we are feeling good that we decide it's worth taking care of ourselves. Not complacent, but like there's hope. Like there's a reason (promise, not threat) to make the effort to improve.

I'd recommend you show your wife your appreciation. Compliment her on the things that are still beautiful, like her eyes. Thank her for the work she's doing with the kids. And tell her that you look forward to a long life together... and that last can lead to a discussion about how you can make sure you have her around for as long as possible.

Don't make it about her being fat. Make it ONE discussion, and then let it rest. Make sure she doesn't feel like she's going to lose you over gaining weight. Yes, it's reasonable to no longer feel attracted to someone who has changed in a dramatic way physically - but women are nuts this way. They will feel like you don't *really* love them, and all you wanted was a hot body, and this will lead to rebellious unhealthy behavior.

Then again, if I'm wrong, and you married her for her bod, and not for her wit, compassion, intelligence, humor... well, then you deserve the child support payments you'll wind up with.

But I bet not really that shallow.

[Hushh]

I bet he also married her because he was physically attracted to her.
If she lost her sense of humor, or compassion, or whatever other qualities she offers him, would the loss of those not become an issue? I bet they would, so why should physical qualities not be?

[MarkY]

If she's binging on unhealthy foods, it is likely that she's also depressed - as people who are happy don't binge.

Hogwash. Happy people binge, not all depressed people do.

Then again, if I'm wrong, and you married her for her bod, and not for her wit, compassion, intelligence, humor... well, then you deserve the child support payments you'll wind up with.

You're making excuses for her. What if she turned to alcohol, drugs, or some other dependancy. I'm not saying he should leave her, but if his help continues to fall on deaf ears.....

The roles can be reversed too. I've seen many a beautiful woman with a husband that doesn't take care of himself. Same thing applies.

[jmc53]

IMO all the naggin in the world will not doing anything. Except cause marriage problems for many..

Throughout my entire life, when I have been unhappy I have gained weight and when I have been happy I have had the motivation to make my physical health match my mental state of mind.
Whingeing and nagging will, as others have suggested, not help.

[ChocoChick]

I bet he also married her because he was physically attracted to her.
If she lost her sense of humor, or compassion, or whatever other qualities she offers him, would the loss of those not become an issue? I bet they would, so why should physical qualities not be?

I agree with this for the most part. Presumably, no one marries simply out of physical attraction but certainly this is one facet of an overall package. When people let themselves go -- and I am not talking about debilitating accidents or events people have no control over, but the insidious letting go that lots of people do, both male and female -- it not only changes that person's appearance but the entire dynamic in the relationship. Just as it would if one person suddenly lost his sense of humor or kindness or any other element in the overall package.

I understand it is very PC and all to look at weight gain through the prism of self-esteem and other emotional issues and, perhaps for some people, this is the case. But I've also known people who seemed quite able to diet down down in order to attract a mate and then suddenly disinterested in maintaining that weight once the mate was "landed." Sounds to me like that is what is happening here.

[empresscat]

Hogwash. Happy people binge, not all depressed people do.



You're making excuses for her. What if she turned to alcohol, drugs, or some other dependancy. I'm not saying he should leave her, but if his help continues to fall on deaf ears.....

The roles can be reversed too. I've seen many a beautiful woman with a husband that doesn't take care of himself. Same thing applies.

Eh, OK - so I'm basing this on my own experience I suppose. I suppose happy people probably binge, too.

But I haven't gotten a sense that he's approached her as I suggested, and do have a sense that he's gotten frustrated and maybe pulled away.

Just a sense, much as possible from an internet thread.

If I were married to someone, and they either turned to a drug for emotional support, when they had not previously - or they lost a personal quality, then I would talk to them to find out what was wrong. I might even suggest therapy. I would know that in either case, nagging them about it, or complaining to them, or approaching it piecemeal would not work. Got to get to the root cause before a change can happen, and only they can change themselves.

If it's just two adults, the decision to leave is not so complex. She's not the woman he married, and apparently he's dissatisfied and unhappy in the marriage - assuming he's communicated this and she does not change, then it would make sense to move on.

It there's kids involved, as there are here, then it is a different story. And you have to make more of an effort to support one another and to help her feel good enough about the marriage to want to make it work. I know a lot of divorced daddies - that's not something most men would choose except as an extreme last resort.

[JD1213]

I
Sad thing is, I've never been attracted to heavier women. She was considerbly slimmer when we married 2 years ago, and the year prior to that she had gone on a serious diet and gotten down to that size 12 dress. Va-va-voom! Now, however, she has no curves, she wears granny-panties, and there isn't any sex appeal for me anymore. I can't help the way I feel, can I? Whenever we do the wild thing, she always initiates it. I'm just not interested because I'm not attracted to her body. When I see her in her skivies, it does nothing for me. .

You know what I read this again I think you need to remember why you married her in the first place. Stop looking at those victoria secrets catolouges and go give your wife a big hug and a kiss and tell her why you love her. Try to remember all the things she does and has done for you beside what she does in the bedroom. We cant all be 21 forever. If you want her to change its not going to happen by you ignoring her or complaining about her panties.

You need to be Proactive about this, She is your wife.
Sorry if i sound a little angry but i think you need to hear that.

-JD1213

[Original Poster]

We cant all be 21 forever.

I can !
Well, actually 40 going non 39 this year. LOL

[domineaux]

Plastic surgery can suck it, cut it, nip it, tuck it all away.

That is if she's got a high threshold for pain, and you've got deep pockets.

I'm moving on folks, we've thoroughly confused this dude. Why do I know that...I'm confused. LOL

Happy day

[JD1213]

Yeah, its odd because this thread is two years old.

[pauline]

i personally feel she has to do it for herself...theres no way anyone can do it cause someone else wants them too...thats the bottomline...its alot of mental i think meaning they have to be motivated from within...ive always been fit but after my second child and went thru cancer i had let myself go...meaning i was still semi-slim(im a big girl)...but the muscle went fast and i wasnt that interested in working out...i was tired etc...anywho no matter how much my hubby tired to get me to the gym with him at night...no thanks ...than one day it hit me...i miss the damn gym...dont know why but from that day on i was back at least 3 times a week...like i said she has to want it

my sis is a prime example, like with alot of people...food is a comfort when youre depressed etc...i watch the kids drive her nuts and she heads (i kid you not) right to the fridge...and eats!!!!!!!!!!!!

the poster who said perhaps take over the cooking etc has a fantastic idea!!!!!!!!!!! that might just work...who knows

what i also find might be encouraging hunny is get her a mag called "oxygen"...omg its a great mag for ladies and just say (i know its a lie) that you got it when you picked up youre mag as a bonus...believe me after reading it, she might just get inspired...its the best mag i could have bought and do buy religiously every month

good luck

pauline

[empresscat]

Yeah, its odd because this thread is two years old.

The *really* odd thing is, he's the one who revived it. He didn't really respond much after he posted it, and now he's back - and now saying they have a ne baby...

most confusing.

[30-A rider]

If she's binging on unhealthy foods, it is likely that she's also depressed - as people who are happy don't binge. They may not always eat well, out of convenience, but in my experience - if the general behavior (not the exceptions) is unhealthy - than that's a person who is down on themselves.


It's when we are feeling good that we decide it's worth taking care of ourselves. Not complacent, but like there's hope. Like there's a reason (promise, not threat) to make the effort to improve.

I'd recommend you show your wife your appreciation. Compliment her on the things that are still beautiful, like her eyes. Thank her for the work she's doing with the kids. And tell her that you look forward to a long life together... and that last can lead to a discussion about how you can make sure you have her around for as long as possible.

Don't make it about her being fat. Make it ONE discussion, and then let it rest. Make sure she doesn't feel like she's going to lose you over gaining weight. Yes, it's reasonable to no longer feel attracted to someone who has changed in a dramatic way physically - but women are nuts this way. They will feel like you don't *really* love them, and all you wanted was a hot body, and this will lead to rebellious unhealthy behavior.

Then again, if I'm wrong, and you married her for her bod, and not for her wit, compassion, intelligence, humor... well, then you deserve the child support payments you'll wind up with.

But I bet not really that shallow.

This thread is so old I wanst going to contribute. But after reading your post (above) I couldnt stand it. I m sorry I dont go for your psychology 101 bull. First of all you sound like a bitter woman...to judge someone or a situation based purely on speculation and fiction telling them they deserve child suppport payment because if someone doesnt love thier spouse the way YOU think they should....demonstrates that you are one bitter individual. To say only people who are depressed binge is ridiculous..Where is this research printed? This guy asks about encouraging his wife to be healthy..how the hell you went from that to judging someone saying they deserve child support payments and psycho- analizing a guys wife over a computer diganosing her with depression...my god...you must be psychic via the internet!

This post has come up many times in many forms where people ask how to encourage others. There have been many good suggestions on here...some I dont like. I dont go for that psychology bull****. If the person wants it, they will go after it....if not..then they obviously have not become disgusted with themselves enough...they have made the decision on a daily basis that enjoyment of eating is more important to them than thier health. Thats it..there is nothing more to it. I dont think naggning or talking about it works. Very few people want to hear their spouses say your out of shape, overweight and unhealthy.... and you need to do something about it...there is no easy way to say that without the other person taking some offense. My opinion is that the best way to encourage someone is to lead by example...example meaning the other person you want to encourage has to see a dramatic change in your physique.

[ChocoChick]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to 30-A rider again.

...

[empresscat]

30-A rider, I freely admit to projecting like hell over this post and basing it on my own personal experience, and the experience of a couple of friends.

My bad.

[dbx]

I m sorry I dont go for your psychology 101 bull. First of all you sound like a bitter woman...

...demonstrates that you are one bitter individual.

........my god...you must be psychic via the internet!

There have been many good suggestions on here...some I dont like. I dont go for that psychology bull****.

".......you getting wise back with someone on here isnt gonna help you in getting responses or very welcomed to this thread...my suggestion is to be respectful on here with others even if you dont agree with what they may write."

30-A, you just wrote this ^ not more than an hour apart from the selected quotes above.

Ahem........ perhaps we should practice what we preach?

[Hey-Iwas51]

30-A rider, I freely admit to projecting like hell over this post and basing it on my own personal experience, and the experience of a couple of friends.

My bad.

My opinion? Your not that far off empress... I have some experience in this area, that is, loving a women with low self esteem... So at what point should CrunchyHippo quit "Loving" his wife? When she gets to 150 lb.? 175 lb.? 200 lb? He says he can't help it...

I think way too many men have been hooked on the media's version of how women should look. Raising a couple, three, or four kids takes a lot of energy. Working out for 45 minutes a day is nigh-on to impossible with a couple kids running around in diapers. And besides, when he is out at the gym, who is home taking care of the kids? Prolly she is.

Ok CrunchyHippo, my $.02 is to get your sexual thrills out of hers... I know, so she doesn't look like the Victorias Secret gals, but she still enjoys sex right? Doesn't that get you excited? It should. That is what Love is about, making your partner in life happy. Love is a verb... and yeah, you can "help the way you feel".

Yes JD1213, I agree with you... am a bit angry here too...

Dan

[38yrOldAtty]

Come on.....an extra 30 lbs is not going to put someone into an early grave.

And if my husband started to nag me about my weight..it would get me stressed. Stress leads me to eating more. Eating more leads to more fat gain. Which adds on even more stress....which eventually will hurt your relationship.
Don't try to make someone do something that they not ready for.

am i reading this right? it is HIS fault...why is it ALWAYS the male's fault?

[Stenn]

Ok, my turn to throw another log on the fire here. Here's a dramatic re-enactment of my own attempts to help my wife to lose some weight...

Me: "Gosh honey, getting kinda big, eh?"
Her: "Shut up."
Me: "Ok.'

Later, I notice she's walking slowly on my treadmill.

Me: "You know, you have to get your heart rate up more to burn fat."
Her: "Shut up."
Me: "Ok."

Later, she's jogging on the treadmill but still not losing weight. I notice she's eating like a horse at diner time.

Me: "Gosh honey, that's an awful lot of calories ya got there."
Her: "Shut up."
Me: "Ok."

Later, she's doing wind sprints but still not losing much weight...

Me: "Here, try CalorieKing on your laptop. It'll track what you eat."
Her: "Whatever..."
Her: "Oh my god! 350 Calories in a single flour tortilla?"

This whole little drama has taken place over the period of about a year. I've tried to approach this whole subject of weight loss very delicately and when told to "Shut up." I shut up. I've tried oh so hard to not be critical and when I have been critical, it has only set things back. All encouragement that I've given has been gratefuly accepted. My wife is still doing regular cardio and has started lifting weights with me twice a week. I try not to give her crap about how little weight she lifts and I try not to laugh when she falls over backward when doing squats. I know she'll get the hang of it in her own time.

I guess if I had to summeraize my own approach to spouse weight reduction, I'd say:
1. Apply gentle, respectful prodding.
2. Give just a little advice at a time.
3. Be patient.
4. Don't try to control the process, no matter how much you want to.
5. Be supportive. (Mainly, provide childcare while she exercises.)
6. Don't laugh when she falls over.

The shortcut through this long process is to have your wife get her own personal trainer. I knew for sure that a PT would kick my wife's ass into gear and my wife wouldn't resent the PT for doing it. But, since she repeatedly refused my PT idea, I'm her primary external motivator and I have to take it real easy, or else...

Now that I think of it, approach #5 may be the magic bullet for many a husband wishing his wife would lose weight. Can you imagine any beleaguered mother turning down a husband who suggests, "Honey, how about if I take the kids off your hands for an hour while you take a brisk walk around the block?"

Good luck,
Steve

[dbx]

For the hell of it: My wife has seen me do some form of exercise for the past few years. During these years, I've tried to encourage her to exercise on several occasions to no avail. She's not heavy by any means, but rather, she eats junk food and always is complaining about some ache/pain.........EVERY friggin week for the past dozen years or so. She's a hypo to some degree, but in her defense, stress at work has been at the root of a lot of it. And a few doctors have agreed with me on this. I simply knew that some exercise would be good for her, but I couldn't make her do it. Instead, I simply kept doing my thing.........and then my sons joined me.

Present day: She's been working out for 6 or 7 weeks now She asked me one day to make a routine for her and show her how to do each exercise. She does an every other day full body routine (pretty light mind you) and has only missed one day. She insists on doing her workout by herself. I am very proud of her, and also very happy that she will be more healthy for doing it. I thought for sure that she'd quit before the first week, and I am so glad I was wrong.

[ChocoChick]

I wonder what kind of advice we'd be hearing if the OP were an in-shape woman complaining about an inactive and fat husband.

[30-A rider]

".......you getting wise back with someone on here isnt gonna help you in getting responses or very welcomed to this thread...my suggestion is to be respectful on here with others even if you dont agree with what they may write."

30-A, you just wrote this ^ not more than an hour apart from the selected quotes above.

Ahem........ perhaps we should practice what we preach?

True. you got me and called me out..will admit. Diffeence being I wasnt the 16 year old asking for help..but again that doesnt excuse me.

this struck a chord with me is all, and again I shouldnt have reacted so extreme. My though tprocess is as follows: This is body building .com. Most of us have been in the gym for quite some time. We all know that persistence and intensity is the name of the game with a stellar physique and health.

I dont judge or feel anyone is more of less a person if they choose to live thier life sedentary or active; healthy or not...its thier choice! If eating gives someone more joy than sex, health or anything else who am I to judge..I say livie it up its your life and your decision.

My probelm with this thread and my over reation is the excuses. If someone is overweight, out of shape, unhealthy there is always a million excuses why. Such as my thyroid (when most thyroid conditions in the US are caused by the increased weight, not the thyroid condition put the weight on) or depression, or bad genetics, or I have bad knees on and on...and the psycho babble that goes with it just kills me. This comming from someone who at 6' tall has weighed as much as 300 lbs when playing football, and also been ripped to the bone at 220. When Im fat just like anyone else its cause the choices I made...not cause of every excuse in the world...its MY body, MY decision and MY responcibility, and its no other fault than that. So when I jumped all over the other member (my apoligies) I tried to do it as joking as possible, its cause I am just so tired of the excuses. They are repeated on this site daily on one forum or another.... from those who choose not to be healthy. I was just tired of seeing it and lashed out...no excuses...again my apoligies.

[Stenn]

My probelm with this thread and my over reation is the excuses. If someone is overweight, out of shape, unhealthy there is always a million excuses why. Such as my thyroid... or depression, or bad genetics, or I have bad knees on and on...and the psycho babble that goes with it just kills me.

Man oh man did you just hit the nail on the head. When I tried to encourage my wife to exercise, I got to hear every one of these excuses and then some. Believe me, it wasn't easy hearing this stuff without going on a tirade just like your own. Eventually, she got around to, "I can't exercise because I've always got this kid underfoot!" I resolved that excuse by taking the kid. It was just what my wife needed to finaly break through her resistance to exercise. Since then, I haven't heard anything about the thyroid, depression, genetics, knees, etc. Perhaps they'll start back when I introduce her to deadlifts....