Mary

[LadyStarlight]

Well, I haven't been too faithful to either working out or eating well lately, and since I haven't been able to sum up the motivation on my own, if I post here for the world to see what I'm eating or what my workouts or like.....maybe I'll be better! Hopefully I won't wander away from the journal.....can't stand dropouts.

So I didn't go to the gym today, but here's what I ate......

sometime around 7:00 am: honey and oat cheerios, about 1 - 1/2 cups I guess. tomorrow I'll take a measuring cup to work and actually measure it out to see how much I eat. I eat my cereal dry.

sometime around 9:00 - 10:00 am: hot chocolate. I take skim milk, heat it up in the microwave with a bit of ground cooca mix....abut 5 g of sugar and less than 1 g of fat in the cocoa mix I use. umm, it's a big mug I keep at work, I guess about 20 oz.

11:30 am - 12:30 pm......regular size honey bourbon chicken sub on "wheat bread" from Quiznos (leftover). took me that long to eat it.


4:00 pm....all of a sudden I realize I'm very hungry again, I go up and make my hot choclate again and grab another handful of cheerios.

7:00 pm: two scrambled eggs, 2 slices wheat toast

8:45 pm: small bowl of popcorn, air popped, no butter

This is a pretty typical work day for me. Sometime during the day I had a starburst and a tootsie roll pop too (needed to bite on something, stress from work). I don't like the way the sugar makes me feel though.

Oh, and I drink tons more pop than I care to admit.

I hate the idea of posting this stuff in here....it feels so....naked.

[sweetbecky]

Originally posted by LadyStarlight
I hate the idea of posting this stuff in here....it feels so....naked.

Glad to see your journal! Yes it does feel very naked and open. Sometimes I hesitate to write some stuff in my journal, but I just think of whoever's out there reading it and identifying with what I'm saying, and that helps me have the courage to write.

Looking forward to reading more!

[LadyStarlight]

well got to work at 6:00 this morning and had two little peppermint patties right away!

Between 6:15 and 8:00 am: 1 1/2 cups honey and nut cheerios. Too much sugar, gonna see if I can scarf down the plain kind when this box runs out. (yea, I eat slow).

...................work is slow now...............bored bored bored...........

Packed my gym stuff up for after work and i KNOW I wouldn't have bothered if I hadn't started this! .

------------------still bored----------------------------------------------------

9-10 am: hot chocolate

need another breakfast idea, too much sugar with this cheerio thing i've been doing for 2 months on the days i work. off last week, eggs every day for breakfast and felt much better.

11:20 - 1:20 : 1 6 oz can tuna. forgot to eat my bread with it and forgot to take an apple to work, too..

4 - 5pm : hot chocolate again

7:45 pm : 2 scrambled eggs, 2 slices wheat toast

got out of work 1/2 hour today.......begging and pleading sometimes works.......

for cardio.... did 20 minutes on elliptical and 20 minutes on rowing machine. didn't push myself enough, was starving. still hungry now, gonna go make some popcorn. need to get my mp3 player going so i'm not so bored with the cardio.

[LadyStarlight]

well woke up in the middle of the night hungry, but wasn't a bad thing cause I remembered I forgot to put my clothes in the dryer and if I hadn't I'd have to wear wet jeans to work .

Grabbed a handful of cheerios and tumbled back in bed.

5:20 am: 10 pistachios before I left for work

6:15 am: at work, starving...... pack of peanut m and m's from vending maching....

7:00 am : can of 6 oz tuna, still working on it and it's 9:00 am. tuna puts a funny acid taste in my mouth........

got a light-headed feeling though.

11:00 am : apple

12:45: hot chocolate

3 pm: handful peanut m and m's again

7:00 pm: 2 scrambled eggs, wheat toast

9:00 pm : popcorn with a little butter, airpopped

[LadyStarlight]

well i suck at updating things. this week eating was the same and workouts sucked, generally. the week actually generally sucked. at least i think it did, maybe it's just my mood at the moment. i'm tired and draggy, have a slight headached, am about to throw up, i think from just starting the pill.......started bleeding pretty heavily last night. I never have these kinds of problem!I just feel negative all around. i need to start eating well. i hate cooking food now. i'm also not looking forward to working 50-60 hours a week again...oh, well. least it occupies my time.

i wish i could go crawl into bed and sleep the day away.....but i'm at work.

well b**** session is over..........

[spytechs_wife]

hang in there lady. it must be the weather here in crappy minnesota because my period has been BLEH! this week too!! maybe it will be easier to eat better if you make your meals and pack good snacks ahead of time, like a day. so you can grab and heat them up. then you wont have an excuse to get those m&ms! packing for the gym early is always a good idea too. keep posting here. when i see things in writing it always helps me to 'do better' the next day. it sounds like you have an icky work schedule...be careful not to burn yourself out, sleep is very important.

just remember spring is right around the corner!! i hope....


clare from winona

[imperfectly_lou]

I definitely recommend you pack the night before for work.... I am on the go a lot these days with classes and work so I always work out the day before what I am eating. I pre-make sandwiches, cut up veggie sticks, make little baggies of nuts and chick peas, that sort of thing...... I usually take more than what I actually need which prevents any sort of M & M attack......

I won't lie when I say your diet needs a lot of work... is there a particular reason you eat the way you do? Very little food and all processed rubbish....?

[LadyStarlight]

Hi Clare........Where is Winona? I've lied here in Minnesota going on 4 years this summer.......I suppose I should know where it is by now, but I don't. Yea, I can't wait to actually see the sun and have some warm weather. Least, when I leave work now it's dusk and not dark. Winter really gets me down.

Lou.....sigh.......to answer your question.... apathy, intertia, laziness.......take your pick. Depression really. Just going to the grocery store is a huge deal for me now, and I'd just rather be hungry than do it, let alone bother to cook anything. Going to work everyday and making sure I go to the gym.......that's about all I can seem to handle. Going to work is pretty much automatic, and even going to the gym after that is. I actually do look forward to it, although I don't have the energy to workout like I used to. (Wonder why, huh?) Other than that, I just stagnate. I can't even get this DVD back to video store that was due in.......November???? Yes, I am aware how pathetic this sounds, and I do try to snap myself out of it.....but it's not workng. Starting this thing is one way I hope to kick my butt in line. So, basically........I know what I'm doing wrong, but I haven't gotten the willpower yet to change it. I'm like Scarlett from Gone With the Wind......"Tomorrow is another day"......but the tomorrows keep getting away from me.

Sigh.

[LadyStarlight]

Oh! But I'm at work again this morning....but ran out to get 3 scrambled eggs and wheat toast from Perkins....I just wonder what type of fat they use to cook them in?

[spytechs_wife]

hi lady,

winona is between red wing, and lacrosse(wisconsin). its pretty boring, but at least we have a YMCA. hope you have a great week! clare

[GymRookie]

Originally posted by LadyStarlight
Oh! But I'm at work again this morning....but ran out to get 3 scrambled eggs and wheat toast from Perkins....I just wonder what type of fat they use to cook them in?

Lady,

Good morning!!!! Perkins will use butter to fry their eggs unless you request other wise. Usually when I travel and stop at Perkins, CrackerBarrel, etc. l usually get Egg Beaters and request they not use any oil or butter. It's really not that hard to shop for and fix meals the day before. Ummmmmmmsay you could use a kick in the butt............LOL kidding......... Have a great day.

[LadyStarlight]

thanks gymrookie......now I know to ask for no butter!
Clare, still don't kow where you are.......but it's boring everywhere, really!

Sunday.......I ate out all breakfast, lunch and dinner!
Breakfast was the eggs and toast from Perkins.
Lunch.......daughter and I went to Fudruckers, had an Ostrich burger.

Dinner....son and I went to OUtback......has 4.5 ounces of Sirloin, grilled onin and 1/2 plain baked potato.

7:45 popcorn

Sunday went swimming for first time in about 10 months. Swam a little over a mile.

This morning was supposed to be leg day, but I felt......idgity........so I went ended up going to the park by me and ran sprints.

[LadyStarlight]

Today I ate:

6:30 am : 2 scrambled eggs, wheat toast
(I think egg beaters are close to the nastiest thing on this earth, wont' touch them phooo!)

11:00 am : 2/3 can of tuna. Tuna is doing a number on my tummy, raw spinach.

3:00 pm: 2 burger King Santa Fe chicken sandwiches......ditched the bread, ate the chicken breasts and pepper.

Between 5 and 7 pm: of course, the popcorn again.

Ex husband is being a Butt Head.
Left knee is aching from running this morning.

slept very lttle last night, it's only 9:00 pm tonight and I actually tried to go to sleep but can't. Think another no-sleep cycle is coming on. I've got my dad's manic depressive tendencies .....I've learned to quash the manic side down pretty well, but it comes at the cost of always being depressed. this is no life. I don't know how I've lived like this so long and I don't see spending another 40 years like this. This is the second time in my life where I'm thinking, maybe medication is the answer.

I distinctly remember telling my father......I was in high school and he was bitching about his life and talking about wanting to kill himself.....distinctly remember telling him that it was a choice to be happy, that I knew I sounded niave but it was a choice, no matter how hard it can be to make yourself so. I keep trying and I keep getting nowhere.

[LadyStarlight]

I'm just going to keep on rambling here...............

Things with me have gotten to a point where I just feel the need to get a bunch of stuff out. I am going to say some really graphic and shocking things, and it's pitiful what I'm doing, but I am so god damn sick of tired of feeling like this and I don't know what to do to fix myself anymore and I am even beyond the point of caring what I appear like. I'm crazy and I admit it.


I just blocked Jeff and his friend Scott from my email and next day at work I'll block them from my work email. It's just doing me no good talking with them anymore. I really don't think Jeff will care anymore, though. He's seem to washed away all feelings for me. Poor guy didn't even do anything this time.

There's a man upstairs who I hear running down the stairs, and it sets me on edge.....my heart starts racing and I get that feeling in my stomach, jsut like when I was a little kid and in the middle of the night I would hear my father rush down the stairs in one of his rages, start trashing the house and hitting my mother (who would be down in the kitchen drunk and smoking). It's funny how the body still reacts and won't stop feeling like it used to.

Things I had thought I had dealt with and didn't matter to me anymore......I guess I just managed to throw them to the side for a long time because I was a mom and had to concentrate on the kids.

[LadyStarlight]

And when I try to sleep, these pictures just come into my mind and I can't stop them. My neck feels the point of the knife when my father held the knife to me and threatened to kill me if I told anyone what I saw when he killed that man , I remember the temper tantrums I threw when they later tried to stuff ime n my feet pajamas I wore the night that it happened and even at the age of 4 wondering how my parents didn't know what I was reallyupset about. I remember my father looking so sad when I was a teenager and he finally figured out I couldn't be in the same room with him when he wore that old robe......the one he used to wear when he got a hardon when I was 5 and sat on his lap. I remember when I was 5 and he came into my room at night and told me that this night he was going to show me what I needed to know when I got married and I remember afterwards getting up to change the sheets becasue I knew my mother would be mad at the blood on the sheets and hit me, all the while worrying because I knew I couldn't do a good enough job and didn't know where to stuff the dirty sheets anyway. I remember being in so much pain the next day, I sat in the bathroom for an hour and my mother took me to the doctor.

I don't remember all the details of everything he and my mother ever did to me, but I do have this picture of his head between my legs I can never totally eradicate from my brain. I remember being older......9,10,11 maybe........and finding my father with his hands down my mother's pants with their bedroom door open and my father smirking and asking if I wanted to join them. I don't remember all the things my mother did to me, but I do remember, every night that my father was out working late, lying in bed waiting, hoping and praying, that the upstairs light would go off when she was getting ready for bed and I could go to sleep. I remember telling my father to use me and stay away from my sister becasue I knew I could take it better. It was always so much better for me to take hurt and pain than to watch others go through it. But now I hate her for it, and I hate that she was the favored and the liked one by mother - as much as my mother could like anyone. 1 month after my father died my my mother told me that she would hate me always just becasue I had my father's face. I remeber my father's poker nights on my mother's bowling nights, and being passed around to my father's poker buddies. I remember the pictures they took and I remember finding the books under my father's bed when I was in my early teens about perverts lurking in woods, raping teenagers. I remember him yelling at me for being "dirty" when he realized that I had found these and had looked through them.

[LadyStarlight]

All this went on in a nice, white house on a hill, with upper-middle-class, educated parents, active in the community. I remember the black eyes my mother got, the broken nose, the gashes where she should have had stitches, the broken windows, the debris everywhere, the rage my mother had in her that caused her to deliberately fuel his rage and bring this on herself...she knew exactly what would set him off..... although she was terrified of him, and my exasperation as she did it becasue it was I who would stay downstaris and try to help her, while my sister ran upstairs and hid. I remember though, strangely, never being really afraid during all this , though, and half hoping my father would come after me. but he never did. He never hit his kids in anger. It was a point of pride with him, in fact. I remember the police being called by the neighbors from time to time and then I remember the night in high school I had jsut had it with the two of them and my father had my mother on the floor and was strangling her and I actually didn't even really try to pull him off of her too much. I just told them both I was calling the police and I did. They denied what happened when the police came, of course (even though she had actually asked me to call the police at antoher time and I refused) , and the policeman acted like he thought I was lying because I must be an agry, sullen adolescent, and I left the house for the night.

I remember that morning in high school where she slapped me one too many times and I raised my arm to her.this was such a samll and undramatic moment,r eally, but it is one that stands still in time for the rest of your life. I was bigger than her then, and I remember that pathetic look of fear on her face. . I didn't hit her back, I knew I never wanted to be like that, so I lowered my arm and told her she would NEVER slap me again.

[LadyStarlight]

My arms feel where I used to play slice and dice with my wrists, although I never would have had the nerve to kill myself that way. I'd have taken the cowardly way out with pills.......jsut enough of them. I jsut liked seeing myself bleed. My wrists itch often where I used to do it, and I feel the urge to cut myself.....my face, my legs, my arm. But I wont' do it again. I allowed myself one last spring, but I won't give in again.

I am once again wishing I was dead, but that's not an option because I won't do that to my kids. I have somehow managed to live 36 years on this planet and I am all alone. I dont' keep friendships or any type of relationship. I feel so.........over. Defeated. I have actually admitted to people that I am depressed and dont' want to live. I was always the one that could go on and no one would really know what was wrong with me, or the extent of what was wrong. It's gone too far for that anymore.

So I have now spilled my guts out very inchorently and patheticly. And I despise that about myself and so I will have to not come back to this place. What happened to me certainly wasn't my fault but there is still the degree of feelign that I have to hide it from others....it's just not nice to make others feel uncomfortable. And yes, I feel dirty because of it, and I always will......not the acts so much, but because I have witnessed such a horrid side of human nature. I despise asking for help, understanding, or attention. I recognize that people need it and it's human to do so but it is something I have never allowed myself. It embarrasses me. So the connection of this to a workout journal......it just explains what's going on with me and why my diet isn't good. It explains why I gained and lost 90 lbs. It is because it's hard for me to be either fat or thin. And there I go justifying why I have wrote this, even contradicting myself..........

Jeff used to hurt people a lot, on purpose. And I never understood his desire to do that.....I jsut couldn't. I had always decided I never wanted to hurt anyone. But now, I think I get it. I actually think it would feel good to hurt someon.....we're talking emotional, not physical.....the way I've been hurt.....make them really love me and want me, then walk away from them, leaving them devastated. I find more and more stuff about myself to despise as time goes on......

Good night.

[chizzled1419]

Mary... please pm me as soon as you read this.

[sweetbecky]

Are you currently in therapy?

[LadyStarlight]

Well ok I got all that crap out. Today was the first time I was brave enough to back in here. I hate that it's there but you know, I think for some reason I should keep it. I keep all this stuff inside and it really feels like it's going to rot away at my insides. Most people have no idea about me, except the few that are always there and just *know* right away....maybe they don't know exactly what, but they see something. Then there are those that know right away from their own experience. There's so much other evil stuff in there that I have't written down that I just can't. I was always lucky that I had a warm house, place to sleep, and food to eat.

It's almost a year since I've lost all this weight. I suppose that should feel like a big thing...but it doesn't. Losing the weight doesn't either. I wonder why I can only feel disgust for myself and despise myself for my failures and weaknesses (like getting fat) but feel nothing good for what I do that others would think is an accomplishment. Except now, all I feel is emptiness, really. I don't even care too much if I become a horrible person......

I've been eating more, and don't feel as tired and have more energy, but my workouts have still sucked becasue I still feel mentally totally drained and unergetic. I'm very lazy with workouts- and everything else I should be taking care of in my life. I did ahve one really good leg day where I squatted 160 lbs. But overall, I'm getting flabbier and losing muscle by the day. I can't find it in me to care, really, either.

I don't know why I still, after all this time, feel uncomfortable with men staring at me. At my age, I would have thought that would disappear. It's not such a huge deal but I'm not happy it's still there. At least I'm not intimidated by men like I used to be, and made to feel extremetly stupid. Although, a man in a suit.....like my father used to wear to work......can immediately make me feel like a worthless, stupid little girl again (I was always called stupid as a kid).....and can make me feel physically afraid.

So, overall, I guess I still feel like I'm coming undone, but it's kinda put on hold for now. I don't know if I have to get worse before I get better, but I hope not, becasue worse is too hurtful.

No, I'm not in therapy now. Way back when I was 21 I did go to counseling for a while. Now I just have to figure things out and fix myself up as best as I can on my own now.

[imperfectly_lou]

Just wanted you you to know I am thinking of you Mary and glad you posted again... xoxo

[LadyStarlight]

Thanks lou

[jacqui583]

Hi Mary; glad you came back.

I have an idea that I'll throw out there; it might be totally off the wall, but some people feel better when they are able to help others who are in a bad way. I'm just wondering if you think it might be benefitial if you were to volunteer somewhere in your community; if you have a women's shelter, or someplace else that means something to you. Even the local animal shelter!

It's just a thought. It sounds like you're not interested in doing therapy right now, and this might be a way for you to see a bigger picture. Whatever you decide to do, don't forget that we are rooting for you here.

[GrendelAgain]

Thanks Jacqui

Actually, you have a good idea and something I've thought about. It's always good to go out beyond yourself......not be so centered on your own problems. Animals happen to be what interest me, but I can't with my schedule. I've actually thought of the zoo.....that's not the same, by any means, and I don't even know if it's really worthwhile, but I do love the animals......I jsut never get around to getting started with it!!!! Maybe I will sign up soon.

Oh, I hated my name so I had to change it. I was listening to a song calle dthat when I signed up.

[Emma-Leigh]

Welcome back - Good to see you posting again.

[GrendelAgain]

Thank you too Emma-Leigh. Everyone's support is nice........