Ditching the Emotions + Leveling Up

[hrryan]

Yesterday was my first day back on track in a long while. I tracked my intake (even the moment I lost control between work end + cooking dinner. I shoved pepperonis in my face).

Where shame would have kept me fat in the past i.e. continuing to binge, telling myself oh well I’m already failing, might as well enjoy! Instead I backtracked by weighing out how much was left from what I bought and tracked it accurately by weight. I then cut dinner back a little to balance it. I ended up in a deficit on cals and carbs but did go over a little in protein and fat. Progress and I’ll accept that.

I’m learning quickly what my triggers are again - getting done with work and being tired (meal prepping and have food ready right away will fix this), being worked up or upset about something, feeling bored / lonely, not having enough water, and sitting around too long. I’m sure I’ll add more to the list as I consciously make the effort to bring more to my awareness.

But that’s the point - I understand that my unconscious pattern up to this point is fat. Being fat has been armor and excuses for me for 17 years now. Losing weight isn’t the problem for me- hitting my health and fitness goals is and keeping it off is.

SW 2018: 500 + lbs (stopped weighing)
1st 🥇: 333 lbs in summer 2019
2nd 🥈: 210 lbs in summer 2020

Then I fell off the wagon. Holidays came round and I made the excuse it was ok to enjoy in moderation. I did moderate it that time but then crept in more carbs, more ice cream runs, more snacking in general even when it was “healthy” foods the bulk was way too much. I went from gym 2 x per day in 2018 to gym 2 x per month by 2023.

New start: 287 pounds July 10th 2023
1st goal: 250 by Nov 14, 2023
2nd goal: 200 by April 2, 2024
3rd goal: 150 by Aug 20, 2024
4th goal: 130 by October 31, 2024

That’s 157 pounds down in 68.2 weeks

Then I plan to build back up and find a weight that fits based on the musculature that I want. I’ll also need some reconstructive work done as I’ve put my body through hell.

I’ll be honest I hate sharing this stuff. I went from being an athlete who used to be told I was underweight to someone who simply didn’t care. I sometimes resent the journey - how fast it is to go on and how much more mental faculty it takes to get it off.

For me the workout is the fun part - the counting macros and planning meals is what gets in my way. The feelings I have around food that therapy and support groups just haven’t helped me with. The more I talk about my problems the more they seem to manifest so I’ve found the only thing that works for me is making the decision and making immediate action and keeping my body moving so that Im so tired I don’t have time to think and feel about what isn’t working. Meditating to let it go.

As I lose and build muscle the energy comes back and I can go longer and things don’t phase me as much. It’s about strength. As I strengthen my body my mind strengthens too. It’s why I love bodybuilding.

So I’ll be using this to not only track my progress in macros and routine but also my feelings around food and catching myself on my own **** when new triggers pop up. A good plan can fix any problem. So here’s my starting point:

A / B split lifting plan + 5/10 pounds every two weeks 3 x per week
Daily walks minimum 2 miles 1 am and 1 pm

Macros set at TDEE - 500
.7 gram protein per goal weight 140
.4 gram fat per goal weight 140
Ratios turned out to be 50 carb / 28 fats/ 22 protein

Weighing daily for 7 day rolling average
Adjusting caloric intake / TDEE every 2 weeks
Blood panels for nutrients every 3 months until goal

I previously lost my first round of weight between 2018 and 2019 eating keto but I’m looking for sustainable here rather than fast. Volume eating to combat my bingeing / snacking. Focus on fat and protein over carbs but being mindful - added sugars < 10% of diet, low processed junk, slow carb over fast carbs. Min 25 gram fiber for fullness.

So here we go. I’m committed to this as a daily practice after my morning meditations to keep it real. Might post evening reflections too. We’ll see.

[hrryan]

Today I am proud of my accomplishments. Focusing on eating right now before adding training because training tends to trigger my desire to refeed.

I’ve consistently been over 10-30 grams protein and fat these three days but I’m ok with that. I’m averaging around 1500-1600 calories and 100 or less carbs not on purpose. So finding I’m naturally trending toward keto without meaning to.

I’m wondering if I need to work on lower fat options. Or if I need to cut my morning protein powder in half. Will experiment next week if needed. I am honestly not too worried about going over in fat and protein if it keeps me full right now and happy. But will work to clean it up.

I’m eating basically the same every morning lunch and snack. Only varying in dinner meal.

No bingeing so far so im happy about that. Definitely cravings for sweets and unrestricted eating. I think I like to buck the control. Indulge yourself, reward yourself. It’s garbage programming but a reality right now.

Stress management is my #1 priority as I work a lot and work has been really up and down lately. Having food timed and planned is helping to not give in.

Being tired is a real thing right now as my body switches fuel sources and I’m not sleeping well due to a sick kitten that needs feedings every 2 hrs. But I’m filling myself with water and just trying to stay busy up until bed.

Excited to start gym trainings again but not jumping ahead of myself. My first week or two is always a little dangerous for eating relapses so I’m not going to train until that’s solid. Ready to lift!

That’s all. Heading to sleep and feeling good about the start I’ve made.

[hrryan]

Yesterday went alright. I allowed myself my once per week treat and it was good. I was afraid it would turn into a binge but it didn’t because I think I focused more on enjoying that as a treat rather than accepting it as a reward. Releasing the meaning behind food and the emotions it causes is really important for me because over the years I realize I’ve seen food as a part of me rather than a tool. It’s been a function of feelings rather than survival or a body building tool.

My energy is finally catching back up again after the **** detox. I feel pretty in alignment with the eating I’ve been doing and I’m experiencing a lot of healing from transitioning out of keto mindset which sort of vilianized carbs for me and now I never even eat all the carbs. While having a low carb limit made me “crave” them.

Body building is 90% mindset and 10% consistent effort for me and I’m happy to say I’m starting to remember how much I actually love eating well and taking care of myself.

The weekend is coming up so now is my first test this round with seeing how I handle being on the road traveling and eating mindfully while in social situations. I plan to bring my food scale so I can accurately track what I’m eating. I have it mapped out what fast food options will make sense if we stop and what gas station foods will be best for my goals. So I feel good about it.

Consistently dropping water weight right now which is a nice direction to see things go but I know from doing this before the real work will start in a week or two when that stabilizes and I start to add lifting back in. I’m craving the gym so excited to hit it. My first day back will be Sunday this week and I plan to introduce a 20 min circuit with light weights so that I can ease in without triggering my normal refeed.

Curious if others eat back calories or adjust for workouts. I never have so I wonder if that will affect the desire to binge after workouts. I’m gunna do some research.