Tired of Being Fat and Ugly - Help With Diet to get on Track (Cliffs at Bottom)

[nas_is_illmatic]

Hi Everyone,

I promise this won't be the typical "new year, time to get fit" thread. I've had quite a whirlwind of a journey healthwise the last 3-4 years. I'm now healthy, but want my body to reflect more accurately how I feel/what my vitals read. I was wondering if the nutrition experts here can help.

I'm 5 foot 8 and have always weighed right around 145-150 lbs. I was never super strong, but I'm stronger than average, so I look above average, I suppose. About 3 years ago, I got diagnosed with a blood cancer. To avoid losing weight during chemo, I went to the other extreme and gained A LOT of weight. I went from 150 to 160 on chemo! I then was still struggling mentally for about a year after remission and ballooned up to 170-172 lbs. This wasn't good weight because my blood pressure was trending incorrectly, my cholesterol was up, resting heart rate was at 75, etc.

I then went to the complete other extreme and went on a keto/very low carb diet. It worked really well for straight losing weight. I went from 170 to 140 over the next year. Even though I lost a bunch of weight and kinda sorta maintained my lifts (1RMs only went down around 12%, which isn't that bad given how much weight I lost), I looked really skinny. I also still didn't have any stomach definition despite dramatic weight loss and people were worrying if I was starting to get sick again because I was tiny in clothes:

https://i.imgur.com/vfOVr6T.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/OJvo1vy.jpg

So the long story short is I'm now at 150 lbs in the picture below and I still look terrible, despite bulking (I think) the correct way - 2 lbs a month over 5-6 months. I'm not really sure at this point what to do from an aesthetics standpoint, because I look like crap whether I bulk or cut, it seems. The good news is I'm super healthy. My resting heart rate is 55-56 bpm, the doctor went from worrying about me developing hypertension to now having slightly low blood pressure, and my blood cholesterol and other vitals are very healthy.

https://i.imgur.com/kcmvnap.jpg

What do I do now from a diet perspective to transform my body? I'm tired of looking obese and want to get a beach-worthy bod, but don't know how to attain it at this point.

Current stats:
5 foot 8
150-151 lbs
Bench: 185x8
DB Shoulder Press: 120x8-9 (60s each hand)
Pullups: 20 or 45x5
Squat: 185x7 (recovering from shin splints)
Rack pull: 225x5 (new to lift - switched from deads due to said shin splints)

Thanks!

Cliffs:
-Have weighed between 140 and 170 lbs, currently at 150, which is long-term average.
-Had life threatening illness and ballooned to 170 due to lack of mental strength
-Used keto to cut to 140. Still didn't get much muscular definition and had flab
-Slow bulked to 150 over 6 months and look even worse than at 140, despite gaining strength back and having excellent vitals/blood work
-Not sure if I should bulk, cut, etc. and what I should do nutritionally to transform body to aesthetic one
-Pls help

[Black_Label]

just exercise hard. not kidding. Intensity in the gym will be huge

[nas_is_illmatic]

just exercise hard. not kidding. Intensity in the gym will be huge

What program do you use/recommend? I've been trying to do PPL 5-6x a week, but I get exhausted, especially since I travel and work a lot of hours for my job. Could also be the low carb diet and not getting enough of those. Should I maybe ditch the low carb and move to low fat?

[AdamWW]

Bro, why are you putting yourself down like this?

I hate to say it but, working out because you hate yourself is not a good mindset to have... it creates a terrible feedback loop.

You should train because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself.

[nas_is_illmatic]

Bro, why are you putting yourself down like this?

I hate to say it but, working out because you hate yourself is not a good mindset to have... it creates a terrible feedback loop.

You should train because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself.

I don't hate myself lol. I just want to look as good as I feel. It sucks to wake up at 5:30 every weekday, grind out a workout, eat healthy, put in a long week at work, and still look bad with a shirt off, despite every other indicator saying I'm really healthy.

[MrCarrot]

I think you're being hard on yourself, you really don't look too bad. Not saying you can't improve, but you don't look as bad as you think

[AdamWW]

I don't hate myself lol. I just want to look as good as I feel. It sucks to wake up at 5:30 every weekday, grind out a workout, eat healthy, put in a long week at work, and still look bad with a shirt off, despite every other indicator saying I'm really healthy.

Calling yourself Fat and Ugly is still a pretty poor attitude is all I mean...

[Denis12341]

Is not nice calling yourself Fat and Ugly...you are beautiful just the way you are.

[nas_is_illmatic]

Thanks for the encouragement, guys! Any advice on whether I should bulk or cut first and how to transform myself so I can love myself even more

[Mrpb]

Your body fat is relatively high in that last pic.

You say you look obese and fat, so the logical thing to do is drop fat.

Adjust your diet so you lose about a pound per week. Try to maintain strength as much as you can.

[AMG63Pete]

I don't hate myself lol. I just want to look as good as I feel. It sucks to wake up at 5:30 every weekday, grind out a workout, eat healthy, put in a long week at work, and still look bad with a shirt off, despite every other indicator saying I'm really healthy.

Just remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. Building a physique will take years. Lift and enjoy a healthy lifestyle because it keeps you healthy and in a good emotional state. We get too caught up in the expected results without enjoying the journey.

[rtpmarine]

I'm not really sure at this point what to do from an aesthetics standpoint, because I look like crap whether I bulk or cut, it seems.

You feel this way because you do not have enough muscle to convince your brain that you look and feel strong relative to your current bodyweight. The solution is to exercise with more intensity, which will result in greater muscle growth during bulks and greater muscle retention during cuts.

You suggest in post #5 that you are working out at 5:30 am every day. If that's the case, you might want to try lifting later in the day (afternoon or later) so that you can apply maximal intensity.