Parents With Dimentia?

[Payton1221]

I'm dealing with the beginning of what I'm sure is dimentia. My 81 year old mother has not been herself lately. I noticed some changes about 2-3 months ago, but there's been significant changes that more or less coincide with her having her knee replaced on Oct 1 (a procedure that had to be done due to the extreme pain she was in, and she came through with flying colors). Currently, she forgets a lot (e.g., she remembers the night before leaving for the hospital for the knee replacement but she can't remember being in the hospital for the actual surgery), she's moody (and this from a woman who is almost always very happy), and she occasionally thinks things that are simply false.

I'm taking her to see her general practitioner tomorrow to see what he thinks. I understand that with a diagnosis of dimentia (and the doctor's office will specifically be evaluating her for this) that certain drugs can be prescribed that'll slow down the disease.

What advice can those who have lived through this offer? She lives alone where I go over at least weekly or as needed to cut her grass, do her shopping, and help her write her bills, but I know that she can't live alone forever. I'm thinking assisted living is in her near future, and if so, what's the steps that this entails?

And FWIW, I'm essentially on my own with one uninvolved sister (that's a topic for another thread ).

[startingat56]

OP, I was in the health care logistics field for a long time, so I worked with long term care facilities, and have friends and relatives who are now, or have had to deal with dementia, but I'm no expert.


First of all, you need the diagnosis.

If your mother is in the early stages of dementia, there are several things to do that are not fun, but absolutely necessary. I know a little about the American estate laws, but you need to know them well. Whether you use a fiduciary, create a will, trusts, assign executors, etc. You need to have the difficult conversation now as opposed to trying to do it later. This is especially important if you have .... shall we say .... strained relationships with family. Gather all investment and banking info now and get them in a file. Safety deposit boxes, any paper stocks or bonds, birth certificates, marriage licenses, ownerships, deeds, everything. If there is no will, get one done now or get it updated.

Safety is important. You have to worry about gas, electrical, water, if your mother is living alone. Leaving the stove on is common. Wandering outside. This stuff happens and people get hurt or worse. Don't wait until it's too late.

Your mother will become moody as she realizes she is forgetting things and cannot control it .... be patient


If you work has an Employee Assistance Plan, it's going to help you the most finding information, getting support from you or your mother's insurance or benefits. You need to explore all avenues of financial support. That may mean taking out a policy or plan today (insert political comment on pre-existing conditions here).


Engage the neighbours to keep an eye out for you and report anything unusual. Timers for lights is a good idea. At some point either in home care or assisted living is going to happen. How does that get financed?

At some point incontinence in inevitable. Long Term care facilities will rip you off on adult diapers, so find a program that supplies you for a cheaper price. They deliver to the facility directly to the resident

Go through the house and eliminate hazards (guns, tools, knives, chemicals, etc. Place locks where you need them to be.

You have a choice of drugging your mom into zombieland or having to pay attention 24/7. People with dementia don't follow regular sleep patterns, and can be starving after they just ate a huge meal.


I hope the news is good and your mother slaps you on the back of the head, but if not I wish you well through this. I know the doctor will point you in the right direction as well for help.

[Payton1221]

OP, I was in the health care logistics field for a long time, so I worked with long term care facilities, and have friends and relatives who are now, or have had to deal with dementia . . .

Thanks for the thorough reply. One year ago she asked me to arrange her will and living will (and she gave me POA at that time). I'm so glad that she did this then when there were no signs of dimentia.

Unless there's some unknown credit card that I don't know of (my sister did this once with her son so I'm waiting on a current credit report on my mom), I'm now familiar with all of her finances. She gave me permission to handle her finances when I discovered within the last few weeks that she's given my sister $2K since July and she owes $33K in credit cards. Her house is paid for and likely only worth $85K, so she's got ~$50K in assets and has $1,900/mo in income. The $1,900 can go to assisted living but that likely won't cover what google says averages $3,500/month. So how would they handle the difference? Would she just sign the house over to them and this would be used to cover the difference until all assets are gone? And then what?

[startingat56]

Thanks for the thorough reply. One year ago she asked me to arrange her will and living will (and she gave me POA at that time). I'm so glad that she did this then when there were no signs of dimentia.

Unless there's some unknown credit card that I don't know of (my sister did this once with her son so I'm waiting on a current credit report on my mom), I'm now familiar with all of her finances. She gave me permission to handle her finances when I discovered within the last few weeks that she's given my sister $2K since July and she owes $33K in credit cards. Her house is paid for and likely only worth $85K, so she's got ~$50K in assets and has $1,900/mo in income. The $1,900 can go to assisted living but that likely won't cover what google says averages $3,500/month. So how would they handle the difference? Would she just sign the house over to them and this would be used to cover the difference until all assets are gone? And then what?

You would need professional financial help on this. I don't know your state programs. Make sure you read any benefit plans your mother has.

When you hear horror stories on long term care facilities, generally those are government run. You get what you pay for, and the good private ones generally have a waiting list. Do your homework on the LTC's in your area, and even go and visit and talk to the families of the residents. Make sure you know what opportunities there are for at home assistance. You need to figure out which is cheaper, LTC or in home care.

you are not at that point yet, I know, but things will go much better if you are prepared with facts.

Again, let's hope for good news

[Cantplankwell]

Sorry about your mom Payton, I dont know much about dementia....we thought my mom (80yo) had it and then she passed her drivers old age screening, and another test our GP gave her....there was nothing exceptional about that either. Possibly the knee replacement was a lot harder on her mentally than you may think? and it has nothing to do with dementia. As far as the future goes we are sort of going through this with my Mom and Dad, exactly how SA56 has pointed out...good points there. Those long term care facilities can be very expensive, since my folks are both healthy...we have time... so we are doing the planning well ahead of time...One thing for sure my wife says there is no way they are living with us . Good luck.

[bigdogfarmhand]

my mother is 68 and has 5 kids.

she calls me my older brothers name that is serving life in prison right now.

it started as a mistake one time a few years agon

now she brings up events i didn’t take part in


last time i said “mom you know i’m not dillion right?”

she started crying and went up stairs.

that was 9 months ago and i don’t want to see her any more.

[bigcat3655]

Prepare yourself, it's going to be really rough seeing her slip deeper into the disease. If she lives alone it'll be a dangerous situation for her. Look into programs with GPS or other trackers if she starts wandering. See about taking any vehicles she has into safe keeping. Its not uncommon for dementia patients to drive to the store and end up lost in the next state.

Like I said, it'll be tough seeing her like that. I'll keep you and her in my prayers

[Payton1221]

Thanks guys. I remember when she was telling me that she could not remember her knee surgery nor being in the hospital. It was a rude awakening for me and it took real effort on my part to not let my feelings show because it was so sad.

Most people think their mom is awesome and I'm no exception and here's the story that I like to tell that just sums up my mom: on MANY occasions while in college in the late 80's I'd study the night before for an exam, get 4-5 hours sleep, and then get up at 4:30 or so to study some more but upon waking I was treated with homemade biscuits and sausage gravy by what I think is the world's best country cook

[Fishman15]

I lost my mother this year from Alzheimers/Dimentia related stuff. It's not fun and I was thousands of miles away throughout most of it. I don't really have any advice other than dealing with it the best you can with the available funds you have. Long term care will wipe out most retirements pretty quick...

[Plateauplower]

Mark, while I have not had to deal with that there may be some government assistance available to pay for care when assets are depleted. The house could be sold outright or reverse mortgaged (selling outright is probably a better option financially). It sounds like this was initiated by the surgery. The anesthesia can be pretty hard on people. My dad said he felt out of it mentally for nearly a year after a heart surgery and still feels like he lost some sharpness mentally. You may want to look into the private caregiver option as well. States all handle things differently. Wisconsin has an interesting way of doing things where people can have long term care facilities at their homes and many are very nice out on farms with big houses and they have a few LPNs etc for care. Hope all goes well. That sounds like a hard struggle to deal with.

[OldFartTom]

Sorry to read your thread.

My Father in law is on the start of that road, he's not who he used to be. Very sad to watch.

At some point someone is going to have to deal with bills, legal stuff, etc etc. Not sure how power of attorney works where you are, but do that stuff before it's needed (if she'll let you), not waiting until later as things may be more complicated/difficult then.

It's going to be upsetting for you, but equally it's upsetting for her, so expect some irrational, unreasonable and maybe even unexpected hostile behavior at times (just don't take it to heart) likely caused by the upset of her trying to come to terms with it.

[ironwill2008]

PM sent.

[startingat56]

OP there has been a lot of progress, so you can be hopeful

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2018-...r-disease.html

https://www.brightfocus.org/alzheime...ease-whats-new

https://alzres.biomedcentral.com/art...17-0311-5#Sec8


you may want to explore having you mother participate in a study. There may be advantages in doing so

Let us know how things are going

[litljay]

Sorry to hear OP. My dad passed away July 2017 and had further advanced dementia than we were aware of until the last 6 months of his life. He was 75 years old.

Not sure about Indiana, but here there are private companies that run Long Term care homes. We had a place set up for my dad once he was released from the hospital, but unfortunately never made it out. I actually don't remember what the price was, but it was not out of line, IMO.

As mentioned in post #2, it is really important to make sure your mom's finances are in order. We had no idea what my dad had or didn't have until it was obvious he wouldn't be able to take care of himself. At that point it was a little difficult to get the POA signed since he had gotten so bad. And, my dad had no beneficiaries on any of his accounts.

Good Luck OP.

[Zjunky]

I hope the diagnosis isn't too bad Payton. But I have a friend who is going through something similar. I sympathize.

If the diagnosis is bad, it isn't going to be fun. You will need to talk to her doctor and lawyer, set up a plan to deal with her, her medical issues, her finances, and eventually - her estate.

Good luck.

[homersexual]

My father had dementia for quite a few years before passing away early 2017. My sister took care of all the legal issues so I have no advice to give in that area but please take off all the knobs from the cooking ranges and ovens and tape up buttons and control panels to thermostats, garage openers, alarms etc.

[quicksand jesus]

I'm dealing with the beginning of what I'm sure is dimentia. My 81 year old mother has not been herself lately. I noticed some changes about 2-3 months ago, but there's been significant changes that more or less coincide with her having her knee replaced on Oct 1 (a procedure that had to be done due to the extreme pain she was in, and she came through with flying colors). Currently, she forgets a lot (e.g., she remembers the night before leaving for the hospital for the knee replacement but she can't remember being in the hospital for the actual surgery), she's moody (and this from a woman who is almost always very happy), and she occasionally thinks things that are simply false.

I'm taking her to see her general practitioner tomorrow to see what he thinks. I understand that with a diagnosis of dimentia (and the doctor's office will specifically be evaluating her for this) that certain drugs can be prescribed that'll slow down the disease.

What advice can those who have lived through this offer? She lives alone where I go over at least weekly or as needed to cut her grass, do her shopping, and help her write her bills, but I know that she can't live alone forever. I'm thinking assisted living is in her near future, and if so, what's the steps that this entails?

And FWIW, I'm essentially on my own with one uninvolved sister (that's a topic for another thread ).

In the same boat .I'm dealing with it for the past 8 years with a uninvolved sister . I have a health care worker that comes during week days to help .It's not cheap but it is what it is. It is terrible to see them deteriorate. Always remember that they can't help with the condition that they are in . Be patient with her. Love her!

Sorry to be so blunt , but don't want to paint a rosy picture

[ElrondHubbard]

Thanks guys. I remember when she was telling me that she could not remember her knee surgery nor being in the hospital. It was a rude awakening for me and it took real effort on my part to not let my feelings show because it was so sad.

Most people think their mom is awesome and I'm no exception and here's the story that I like to tell that just sums up my mom: on MANY occasions while in college in the late 80's I'd study the night before for an exam, get 4-5 hours sleep, and then get up at 4:30 or so to study some more but upon waking I was treated with homemade biscuits and sausage gravy by what I think is the world's best country cook

Hold on to those memories, Mark. They will serve you well for a lifetime.

My Dad started showing signs of dementia first. My Mom cared for him with fierce dedication for the next 5 years until he passed in 2012 at the age of 84. Within a year, she was showing signs of it herself. They both showed it in completely different ways, though. In my Mom's case it began as hallucinations, which we tried to pass off as reactions to her medications. Then she somehow, I have no idea how, got into the clutches of some Jamaican scammers, who came very close to talking her into giving them her life savings. I'm very glad my sister wasn't uninvolved, as she was nearby and able to intervene. Finally, when she found a rattlesnake on her front porch and tried to pick it up to put it in a bag, and got bitten, we knew she couldn't live by herself any more. She moved in with my sister, and then stayed with my wife and I for a while, and then had to go into assisted living. That assistance soon became requiring spoon feeding. She passed last year, at the same age as my Dad had.

It's not easy, and not having help from your sibling makes it tougher. There were 4 of us to pitch in, and we all helped. Still, it was hard, especially with the challenges I was going through at the time.

You'll get through, though, that's one of the prices we pay for having DNA. Keep your chin up, and wishing you and your Mom the best.

[itsagoodday]

It sounds like this was initiated by the surgery. The anesthesia can be pretty hard on people. My dad said he felt out of it mentally for nearly a year after a heart surgery and still feels like he lost some sharpness mentally.

^^ This. Not all dementia-like symptoms in older folks are automatically dementia. I'm assuming she's been on pain meds as well, and don't discount side effects of those. I once was absolutely convinced that my mom had either had a stroke or started a decline into dementia, as after a length of time of her acting a bit odd, one morning she had no idea who I was, who she was, where she was, or anything else. It turned out to be that she had a silent UTI that had given her delirium, which is quite common in older women. Good luck to you and your mom!

[bodyhard]

Both my parents had it, its a horrible disease and hard to see them go through it, God bless brotha.

[supramax]

Both my parents had it, its a horrible disease and hard to see them go through it, God bless brotha.

That doesn't bode well for you, my friend. Through care giver friends, I've met several people in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease. I'm being serious when I say I'd take up sky diving if I was ever diagnosed with it.

[crupiea]

What many seniors have issues with is their diets. Obviously we know that this is a main driving factor for our heath but it is easy to just be " not hungry" so they dont eat.

This should be your top concern. You can take her to the doctor and thats great but you have to address that diet today.

Chances are she is eating under 1k calories per day and you know that is not good.

Milk shakes, ice cream, fries. whatever it takes to pump them calories in and kick that appetite up is going to serve her well.

Worst case, she is healthy in body.