Did I ask her too early to be my GF? What do I do now?

[SoTiredBrah]

So I met this college chick off Tinder about 9 months ago. Had a date, and then fizzled out. I hit her up again 1.5 weeks ago after 9 month of absence, and she was down to meet up again. We went on dates literally every day (I've been paying for everything), talk on the phone for hours, I hung out with her on campus. She has issues with generalized anxiety disorder, which she says she is struggling with.

So yesterday, as we were driving, I asked her if she wanted to be in relationship with me. She said yes, but then that night, she went no contact on me. Today, she texts me she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but still wants to see me. So I ask her does that mean you want to be friends, and she said yes.

Obviously I said no thanks Jeff, not interested in friendship. She then texts me later on, that she has been having bad anxiety the last few days, and she thought us being official was way too fast. We talked over the phone, and she kept bringing up her problems with anxiety, but then she still wants to see me, and had great time with me lately.

I told her it was my mistake to rush things, and that we should take it slow and see where it goes, but I'm not interested in being friends. She said okay.

How do I proceed from here brahs? Keep my distance, be more unavailable? How bad did I screw up?

Sorry for lost post.

[Clinos]

You don't need any advice, she's been pretty honest and upfront with you about it. It was a bit too fast for her and freaked her out. She obviously likes you because she keeps trying despite her issues. So take it slow and enjoy the relationship even if it has no official label.

[drvillain]

let the woman ask in the future. You stay composed.

[CougarP01]

i just ran a girl away in a similar way. Shoot your shot. If it feels right, it feels right. If not, don't stress.

[BetaSwimmer]

So I met this college chick off Tinder about 9 months ago. Had a date, and then fizzled out. I hit her up again 1.5 weeks ago after 9 month of absence, and she was down to meet up again. We went on dates literally every day (I've been paying for everything), talk on the phone for hours, I hung out with her on campus. She has issues with generalized anxiety disorder, which she says she is struggling with.

So yesterday, as we were driving, I asked her if she wanted to be in relationship with me. She said yes, but then that night, she went no contact on me. Today, she texts me she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but still wants to see me. So I ask her does that mean you want to be friends, and she said yes.

Obviously I said no thanks Jeff, not interested in friendship. She then texts me later on, that she has been having bad anxiety the last few days, and she thought us being official was way too fast. We talked over the phone, and she kept bringing up her problems with anxiety, but then she still wants to see me, and had great time with me lately.

I told her it was my mistake to rush things, and that we should take it slow and see where it goes, but I'm not interested in being friends. She said okay.

How do I proceed from here brahs? Keep my distance, be more unavailable? How bad did I screw up?

Sorry for lost post.

I know you're red but here is an honest analysis of your post:

I completely understand that the woman you're seeing might have some clinical/medical issues which cause her to be stressed, and that may be the reason why she has been so off/on lately, but there are a few things you need to consider. First, she does enjoy your company - this may be because of who you are, your personality, because you make her feel special, or it may be base and that you pay for her meals; I don't know the ins-outs of your friendship. You may have asked her out too early and she may have felt pressured to say yes, and that's not uncommon, but I don't know how serious this anxiety thing is and if it is serious and you are considering a relationship you really need to take that into account. It is rough dealing with significant others who have issues with this and you're only seeing the beginning of it.

I'm sure shes a great girl and if you're talking on the phone for hours and going out with her it's apparent that you two click - but like I said you need to be very direct and communicate how you feel, what you want, and find out what she wants. Don't beat around the bush. Be direct. Find out what sets off her anxiety, where it stems from, and be understanding of that, but conversely don't let her consistently use that as an excuse or as a means of controlling/justifying her actions. Be open an honest with her, and you'll figure things out.

[drvillain]

also OP, just so you know, if she REALLY liked you, she would have agreed. Don't buy her anxiety crap.

[Chrysippus]

Never, ever, ever ask for a relationship with a woman.
Never, ever, ever spend hours on the phone with a woman.

[SoTiredBrah]

also OP, just so you know, if she REALLY liked you, she would have agreed. Don't buy her anxiety crap.

Well she did bring up her anxiety issues before I asked her to be my GF. So it's not like she brought it up after I asked her for official relationship. I'm pretty sure it's geniune and not made up.

[SoTiredBrah]

Never, ever, ever ask for a relationship with a woman.
Never, ever, ever spend hours on the phone with a woman.

She reads and studies her books and courses over the phone with me, hence the hours and hours over the phone. Cut this out ASAP?

I just don't want to be ever ever ever ever be in friendzone with this girl

[BetaSwimmer]

Well she did bring up her anxiety issues before I asked her to be my GF. So it's not like she brought it up after I asked her for official relationship. I'm pretty sure it's geniune and not made up.

That's understandable, but like I said in my post you also need to acknowledge what that issue may pose for your friendship/relationship. Although it may be legitimate, don't let her use it as an excuse or a way of justifying terrible behavior.

She reads and studies her books and courses over the phone with me, hence the hours and hours over the phone. Cut this out ASAP?

I just don't want to be ever ever ever ever be in friendzone with this girl

I hate to break it with you but you might be heading down the friendzone path - it may not be clear and you might not believe it but she could just be spending time with you to get the feeling that she's desired or wanted. Basically you're that person she knows will always gravitate around her, and she can confide in you.

[drvillain]

Well she did bring up her anxiety issues before I asked her to be my GF. So it's not like she brought it up after I asked her for official relationship. I'm pretty sure it's geniune and not made up.

she may geniunely have anxiety, but she is using it quite conviently here.

Lets read into what has been communicated:
You want to be exclusive with her
She doesn't want to be exclusive with you

Any more questions? You want to be exclusive and she doesn't. You now have your boundary. Are you going to let her cross it? That's on you.

[YIAMSOMEBODY]

Why would you ask her something like that after almost a year of no action? You surely didn't think it was going to end well, did you? You scared her, and rightfully so. If the shoe was on the other foot and she asked you that same question, you'd be telling us about how clingy she is, how she's rushing and the majority would be telling you to gtfo.

You need to wait, play it cool and just chill. Get to know her. A lot has happened in this 9 month layoff, so she may not be the same person you knew then. Let her get to know you and if it's right, you two will know it.

Be friends for now, hang out, have fun......take your time.

Yes?

[SoTiredBrah]

That's understandable, but like I said in my post you also need to acknowledge what that issue may pose for your friendship/relationship. Although it may be legitimate, don't let her use it as an excuse or a way of justifying terrible behavior.



I hate to break it with you but you might be heading down the friendzone path - it may not be clear and you might not believe it but she could just be spending time with you to get the feeling that she's desired or wanted. Basically you're that person she knows will always gravitate around her, and she can confide in you.

Okay, thanks brah. So where do I go from here? I was direct and told her we will take it slow, and see where it leads, but I'm NOT interested in being just friends. She agreed to take it slow.
So should I be less available, have her pay for stuff, be harder to get? I feel I've been too available to her, but I also don't want to seem disinterested and chase her away either.



And I offered her to read to me. She didn't ask. I had her do it, that my mistake.

[drvillain]

Okay, thanks brah. So where do I go from here? I was direct and told her we will take it slow, and see where it leads, but I'm NOT interested in being just friends. She agreed to take it slow.
So should I be less available, have her pay for stuff, be harder to get? I feel I've been too available to her, but I also don't want to seem disinterested and chase her away either.

yes you have been to available. Hanging out every day, talking on the phone all the damn time, AND asking her to be exclusive and getting rejected.

I personally think the damage is done. But I know the misc wont agree with me. And not only that, you got rejected and now she is calling the shots on how your relationship will go from now on... slow, just as she wants it, so she can get what she wants from you til she finds someone better. The power has shifted, and now you're the beta ******* on the way out

edit: You're too afraid to leave her and that's why you'll likely get friendzoned OP

[SoTiredBrah]

Why would you ask her something like that after almost a year of no action? You surely didn't think it was going to end well, did you? You scared her, and rightfully so. If the shoe was on the other foot and she asked you that same question, you'd be telling us about how clingy she is, how she's rushing and the majority would be telling you to gtfo.

You need to wait, play it cool and just chill. Get to know her. A lot has happened in this 9 month layoff, so she may not be the same person you knew then. Let her get to know you and if it's right, you two will know it.

Be friends for now, hang out, have fun......take your time.

Yes?

So be less available? Like I said in post above, I have been bending myself every which way to see her, buy stuff for her, etc, etc. I may have made a mistake there.

[SoTiredBrah]

yes you have been to available. Hanging out every day, talking on the phone all the damn time, AND asking her to be exclusive and getting rejected.

I personally think the damage is done. But I know the misc wont agree with me. And not only that, you got rejected and now she is calling the shots on how your relationship will go from now on... slow, just as she wants it, so she can get what she wants from you til she finds someone better. The power has shifted, and now you're the beta ******* on the way out

edit: You're too afraid to leave her and that's why you'll likely get friendzoned OP

How do I fix this, brother? Any little advice would be greatly appreciated.

[drvillain]

How do I fix this, brother? Any little advice would be greatly appreciated.

detach yourself, and go on dates with other women while she is on the back burner

[BetaSwimmer]

Okay, thanks brah. So where do I go from here? I was direct and told her we will take it slow, and see where it leads, but I'm NOT interested in being just friends. She agreed to take it slow.
So should I be less available, have her pay for stuff, be harder to get? I feel I've been too available to her, but I also don't want to seem disinterested and chase her away either.



And I offered her to read to me. She didn't ask. I had her do it, that my mistake.

Look, life isn't a game and neither should dating be. If you have to go through all these gymnastics to be with someone you need to ask yourself a few things:

1. Do I really want to be with this person?
2. Does this person really want to be with me?

I'm not saying relationships should all be easy and straight forward, but ask yourself those questions - be empathetic and put yourself in her position and view yourself as how she may view you. Are you just a person that can bring her comfort, or are you someone she desires to be with?

If she doesn't want to put in the effort in building a relationship when you told her you do not want to be friends, I'd say she might not necessarily be the one.

[SoTiredBrah]

detach yourself, and go on dates with other women while she is on the back burner

Go NC for few days then?

[drvillain]

Go NC for few days then?

Not exactly NC, be less available and spend your time elsewhere dating other people like she is. Damn brah, I don't see why you don't get it yet.

Lesson moving forward: If you feel like you have been to available and bending too much... you absolutely have been

Being mr yes man, and showering them with gifts wont get you anywhere far

[BetaSwimmer]

Go NC for few days then?

You don't have to go No-Contact, but live your own life and stop relying on other people for a sense of enjoyment or happiness as that will never end up well. If you go No-Contact what will happen is that you're going to end up in a long hiatus and no one will want to contact the other and in the event that one does you'll have to explain what happened.

Like I said before, live your own life.

[SoTiredBrah]

Look, life isn't a game and neither should dating be. If you have to go through all these gymnastics to be with someone you need to ask yourself a few things:

1. Do I really want to be with this person?
2. Does this person really want to be with me?

I'm not saying relationships should all be easy and straight forward, but ask yourself those questions - be empathetic and put yourself in her position and view yourself as how she may view you. Are you just a person that can bring her comfort, or are you someone she desires to be with?

If she doesn't want to put in the effort in building a relationship when you told her you do not want to be friends, I'd say she might not necessarily be the one.

Okay, well I just think I rushed it so quick in hindsight. It's been 1.5 weeks of seeing her, after almost 1 year absence. 1.5 weeks...

How long do you usually wait before the BF/GF label comes in? Sorry for being such a *******.

[wincel]

So I met this college chick off Tinder about 9 months ago. Had a date, and then fizzled out. I hit her up again 1.5 weeks ago after 9 month of absence, and she was down to meet up again. We went on dates literally every day (I've been paying for everything), talk on the phone for hours, I hung out with her on campus. She has issues with generalized anxiety disorder, which she says she is struggling with.

So yesterday, as we were driving, I asked her if she wanted to be in relationship with me. She said yes, but then that night, she went no contact on me. Today, she texts me she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but still wants to see me. So I ask her does that mean you want to be friends, and she said yes.

Obviously I said no thanks Jeff, not interested in friendship. She then texts me later on, that she has been having bad anxiety the last few days, and she thought us being official was way too fast. We talked over the phone, and she kept bringing up her problems with anxiety, but then she still wants to see me, and had great time with me lately.

I told her it was my mistake to rush things, and that we should take it slow and see where it goes, but I'm not interested in being friends. She said okay.

How do I proceed from here brahs? Keep my distance, be more unavailable? How bad did I screw up?

Sorry for lost post.

u didnt screw up at all...she just isnt ready for a srs relationship...tell her it shouldnt be a stressful thing and to let herself be happy with you...

But the old me would tell u it's because she wants to slobber on Chad and Tyrone's dicks while Jamal fists her angus guilt free. You choose who you want to believe *******.

[Chrysippus]

OP, I still think it's salvagable. You have to focus on keeping her attracted to you, not doing things for her and being nice and available. There's nothing wrong with being nice, but if you start being nice just to "get her" you aren't being authentic and will give off the vibe that you're trying to "convince her" to like you because you see yourself as unworthy of her. You gotta remember you are the prize. The moment you start chasing, it's over. You need to let her start initiating, and you definitely need to stop doing this phone session ****. You gotta focus on your own life, fill your time with your own activities, make her respect you. If you make her your main mission and your main goal you will **** yourself over so hard and she'll lose respect for you. When she loses respect for you, game over.

[BetaSwimmer]

Okay, well I just think I rushed it so quick in hindsight. It's been 1.5 weeks of seeing her, after almost 1 year absence. 1.5 weeks...

How long do you usually wait before the BF/GF label comes in? Sorry for being such a *******.

That is completely dependent on the situation and the people involved. Be patient, don't rush things, and get a feel for how the relationship you're building goes. Most importantly understand her, who she is, and what she ultimately wants out of everything.

[YIAMSOMEBODY]

So be less available? Like I said in post above, I have been bending myself every which way to see her, buy stuff for her, etc, etc. I may have made a mistake there.

Why be less available for someone you're interested in? If the opportunity presents itself for the two of you to go out, take it. Like I said, get to know each other, have fun....see where it goes. You made a mistake....we've been there before, but she isn't telling you she DOESN'T like you, she just said not right now to the GIRLFRIEND part. That's still a win for you.

[SoTiredBrah]

OP, I still think it's salvagable. You have to focus on keeping her attracted to you, not doing things for her and being nice and available. There's nothing wrong with being nice, but if you start being nice just to "get her" you aren't being authentic and will give off the vibe that you're trying to "convince her" to like you because you see yourself as unworthy of her. You gotta remember you are the prize. The moment you start chasing, it's over. You need to let her start initiating, and you definitely need to stop doing this phone session ****. You gotta focus on your own life, fill your time with your own activities, make her respect you. If you make her your main mission and your main goal you will **** yourself over so hard and she'll lose respect for you. When she loses respect for you, game over.

So how do i proceed from here. Other brahs here are saying less available, stop always being there.
So have her initiate texts/calls? Don't text first?
See her for dates like maybe once or twice a week?
Stop paying for everything?

[SoTiredBrah]

Why be less available for someone you're interested in? If the opportunity presents itself for the two of you to go out, take it. Like I said, get to know each other, have fun....see where it goes. You made a mistake....we've been there before, but she isn't telling you she DOESN'T like you, she just said not right now to the GIRLFRIEND part. That's still a win for you.

I'm just having a really tough time figuring out how to be there, but not always be available and be there all the time for her (when I want to see her everyday).

[drvillain]

Why be less available for someone you're interested in? If the opportunity presents itself for the two of you to go out, take it. Like I said, get to know each other, have fun....see where it goes. You made a mistake....we've been there before, but she isn't telling you she DOESN'T like you, she just said not right now to the GIRLFRIEND part. That's still a win for you.

you're going to lead this man down the path of orbiter. He already said he feels like he is doing too much. He needs to tone it down before the attraction is gone.

[BetaSwimmer]

So how do i proceed from here. Other brahs here are saying less available, stop always being there.
So have her initiate texts/calls? Don't text first?
See her for dates like maybe once or twice a week?
Stop paying for everything?

Listen to YIAMSOMEBODY's advice, but also don't change who you are - if the opportunity arises, take it, but as drvillain
is saying you should also maybe try to not be too 'needy' or 'clingy'.

Stop focusing on labels and start focusing on both yourself and your current friendship. If she didn't want to be with you at all, she could have easily told you that, but you're still in contact.