Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[deadliftbrah19]

If someone really loves you, or accept you as a person, the least thing they are thinking about is your size. I am dating an awesome girl now, i am not a big guy, i do not appear dominant or anything, but she does not give a single **** about how i look. She taught me a lot about myself, cuz she has BPD, and she can feel the emotion what i supress. I do not know what caused your ED, but mine was triggered cuz i was treated like ****, and i have supressed my emotions. It does not mean, i do not have emtions at all no, i just supress it to protect myself from others. She told me it is okay to express everything i want to her, so i have did it and i FELT SO ****ING good, like i have talked out from myself years of torment.

Thanks for sharing. I think that is a lot of it. I started seeing a guy again that I saw 2 years ago, and he's still not over his ex. Yet if he gets weird about hanging out again, I blame my recovery weight. He doesn't say anything negative about my size or anything so I know it's all in my head, but then I'll say "well once the recovery weight comes off then maybe he'll want to see me more often".

Or I fear he's afraid to be seen with me in public.

I'm a different stage in recovery where I'm fully weight restored and at the high-end of being overweight for my height by the BMI, which we know is BS. I just catch myself looking in the mirror and see extra fat on my legs that wasn't there or extra fat in my lower belly and get sad. Even though I know I fought hard to eat healthy and listen to the nutritionist and the therapist.

I think unless the guy tells me it's my size, to not assume that. Because it could be that he's still not over his ex, as he posted something on social media that he was hurt that he found her on a sugar daddy site. So to me that shows he's still tracking her even though they broke up months ago.

There is another guy at the gym who tells me I look better with more weight on me vs. the lean me, but then he's worried about our age difference, stating that his Dad told him he disapproved and he doesn't want gossip at the gym. So there's an example of someone who likes me that size, but it's our age.

I think dating much younger men puts more pressure on me to be thinner because I feel that I'm competing with women his age, too. I wish I could get past the first date with a man my age, as I'm kind of a young soul and don't seem to connect with them.

@deadliftbrah and finny...

Although I won't pretend to understand exactly what you fear or what your recovery is looking like, I want to toss in my own shared concern over 'returning to a larger size' or simply a general apprehension around what i'll be like or look like once the dust settles.

I do believe much of this stems from knowing that, when I was younger in a larger, chubbier state (in my case BARELY overweight but very soft and non-athletic), i was actually eating 'normally' and yet the result was a very un-fit body. I wasn't in pain from lack of fitness, but I definitely didn't feel 'good' either... and I don't mean just body image, I mean physically I didn't feel agile, flexible, etc.

In the period between when my ED started and now, the times during which I have physically been my strongest all involved tracking calories and nutrition, even if the goal was a very large surplus to gain muscle. It was also during those times where I felt my most 'fit', which is still 30-40lb heavier than I am now.

I bring this up because, right now, I am trying to do this without tracking, and I harbor that same fear of what will happen if I do this in an uncontrolled way. Knowing where I was when I was a teen eating 'normally', not STUFFING myself but just doing what I felt like, I do wonder if I will end up in the same place.

We'll see what happens... I wish I had an answer or very pointed, helpful advice, but for now I just want to offer my empathy as my body is rapidly changing, too.

Thank you for the empathy of the rapid changing.

In my case I already knew I was at the high end of "normal" size and didn't want to gain, but I was binging and dizzy, fainting and definitely eating disordered even though my weight wasn't my lowest weight when I was REALLY sick. I just have relapsed 3-4 times so I know what it's like, and how my body is very sensitive and bloats up very easily.

So then clothes don't fit and I panic.

[finnyskat]

@deadliftbrah and finny...

Although I won't pretend to understand exactly what you fear or what your recovery is looking like, I want to toss in my own shared concern over 'returning to a larger size' or simply a general apprehension around what i'll be like or look like once the dust settles.

I do believe much of this stems from knowing that, when I was younger in a larger, chubbier state (in my case BARELY overweight but very soft and non-athletic), i was actually eating 'normally' and yet the result was a very un-fit body. I wasn't in pain from lack of fitness, but I definitely didn't feel 'good' either... and I don't mean just body image, I mean physically I didn't feel agile, flexible, etc.

In the period between when my ED started and now, the times during which I have physically been my strongest all involved tracking calories and nutrition, even if the goal was a very large surplus to gain muscle. It was also during those times where I felt my most 'fit', which is still 30-40lb heavier than I am now.

I bring this up because, right now, I am trying to do this without tracking, and I harbor that same fear of what will happen if I do this in an uncontrolled way. Knowing where I was when I was a teen eating 'normally', not STUFFING myself but just doing what I felt like, I do wonder if I will end up in the same place.

We'll see what happens... I wish I had an answer or very pointed, helpful advice, but for now I just want to offer my empathy as my body is rapidly changing, too.

see, this is where i struggle the most. i was never really an active person until recently, when i hit another low in my ed. in general i never really ate healthily. i just ate less. i've come to a point where i want to feel good--i want to rock climb, or lift weights, or run for my health. but i can't. i'm not in the best shape and i know putting on the "necessary" pounds will make it worse, AND i know that starting now will probably just send me back into my ed, or otherwise just **** with my goals.
and then, if i restore my hormones, i have to deal with getting into shape so my mother's diabetes and my father's high blood pressure don't kill me.
i realized that my "natural tendencies" when it comes to food are kind of ****ty, most of the time, or not calorically dense enough for weight gain, to which my ed says "yaaaay!"
it's weird because i don't want children. i just feel like if my body's not hormonally up-to-par, i'm not healthy. but if i'm at a healthy weight and i can't run up a flight of stairs (this is an exaggeration, but you know what i mean) then i'd rather be underweight.

ugh.

[AdamWW]

see, this is where i struggle the most. i was never really an active person until recently, when i hit another low in my ed. in general i never really ate healthily. i just ate less. i've come to a point where i want to feel good--i want to rock climb, or lift weights, or run for my health. but i can't. i'm not in the best shape and i know putting on the "necessary" pounds will make it worse, AND i know that starting now will probably just send me back into my ed, or otherwise just **** with my goals.
and then, if i restore my hormones, i have to deal with getting into shape so my mother's diabetes and my father's high blood pressure don't kill me.
i realized that my "natural tendencies" when it comes to food are kind of ****ty, most of the time, or not calorically dense enough for weight gain, to which my ed says "yaaaay!"
it's weird because i don't want children. i just feel like if my body's not hormonally up-to-par, i'm not healthy. but if i'm at a healthy weight and i can't run up a flight of stairs (this is an exaggeration, but you know what i mean) then i'd rather be underweight.

ugh.

How are you doing with avoiding triggers and behaviors that give you urges to restrict or control?

For me avoiding certain activities has been the most beneficial.

[deadliftbrah19]

How are you doing with avoiding triggers and behaviors that give you urges to restrict or control?

For me avoiding certain activities has been the most beneficial.

What activities though?

Like I just have to walk in the break room and someone is talking about a diet at work. I tell myself that I know better and don't get triggered by them.

For me it's more of the male attention and wanting to look attractive to them. I think this forum has also been bad as so many men rip on women who aren't thin.

[AdamWW]

What activities though?

Like I just have to walk in the break room and someone is talking about a diet at work. I tell myself that I know better and don't get triggered by them.

For me it's more of the male attention and wanting to look attractive to them. I think this forum has also been bad as so many men rip on women who aren't thin.

Sorry I was directing that moreso at finny.

I can totally relate with constantly being bombarded with subjects that make you focus on body image and diet.

One of my problems is all the talk about 'shredding' for summer, 'cutting', people all going on 'low carb' this and that.... talking about how many calories they need, how many are in this or that, etc, etc,..

I also have an odd tendency to compare my calorie and nutritional needs to other people and use those comparisons as a reason or excuse to not feed myself. I became hooked on these 'what I eat in a day' videos on YouTube and reading about the diets of athletes and other popular figures out there. I see these 200lb buff dudes maintaining their weight on like 2600 calories a day or'bulking up' on 3000 calories... while here I am, 6 feet tall and 132lb or so, and if I eat 3000 calories of PURELY whole foods with lots of fiber, veggies, fruits, and volume, and I still end up feeling super hungry. It makes me question the legitimacy of my body's cravings, because again, I am so much thinner and weaker and yet I crave so much more food than other people seem to get by on or even gain lots of fat on.

[finnyskat]

How are you doing with avoiding triggers and behaviors that give you urges to restrict or control?

For me avoiding certain activities has been the most beneficial.

i'm doing really well as far as triggers go. i even made myself eat when i was sick the other day because it had been several hours, and i figured my body needed it. and i tried something new today (a certain type of sandwich) partly because 1. i need protein and 2. ed says i can only eat veggies? eat a dick, ed.

i still haven't stopped bodychecking. my chin/neck and my stomach are the two places i worry about the most, and i'm always staring at them in the mirror. i try to avoid/discourage this by doing my makeup to enhance the parts of my face i like, and also wearing clothes that make me feel good, comfortable, and interesting--not attractive, necessarily. but interesting. lots of space print, or candy skulls, or weird ****.

basically i'm trying to find who i was before/after i stopped caring about my weight/muscle mass and started being a human being again.

[finnyskat]

What activities though?

Like I just have to walk in the break room and someone is talking about a diet at work. I tell myself that I know better and don't get triggered by them.

For me it's more of the male attention and wanting to look attractive to them. I think this forum has also been bad as so many men rip on women who aren't thin.

if this forum hurts you, keep off of it. i only hang around recovery sources these days and sometimes i catch myself looking at "thinspo", or saying to myself "i mean if i stay thin i don't have to worry about that bcause theyll like me anyway" which is bull****. it's so bull****.

[fretslayer]

Hey gang,

Hope you're all doing ok and off to a good Friday.

I was just reading a thread elsewhere on the board and came across something that really hit home for me. It was a discussion about what women like more, the Pretty boy or the Rugged type. The convo turned to whether the jacked/ripped gym rat was attractive, and if that was appealing etc. Someone commented that most women find that to be a glaring sign of insecurity, and usually a lack of confidence.

I can only speak for myself, but ironically my only source of confidence was how "ripped" I was. Outside of having abs, I was an insecure mess with almost no confidence. Yet I revolved my entire existence around maintaining that "look" because I thought that's what would make a female attracted to me. Little did I know that my lifestyle was a glaring sign of just how insecure I was, nor could I see how uptight and strict I was as being anything other than "more disciplined" than the next guy. I think all it did in hindsight is turn most females off, if even on a subconscious level. I'm sure my energy/vibe all those years wasn't the most appealing.

If/when I did attract someone, they were usually physically on point, yet a mess of insecurities inside. Just like me. Yet I always wondered why I attracted these types "the damage cases" Now it makes total sense.

I'm by no means walking around brimming with confidence these days, in fact I'm having a rough time adjusting to my new body since I've made changes. I don't restrict anymore, nor do I do excessive amounts of cardio or have my weekly "binge cheats" but with those changes has come added bodyfat, and that makes me less confident in that part of me. It was the only thing that I had any confidence in before, and now that part is gone. But I'm also no longer "trapped" inside my self imposed diet/exercise routine. I don't miss that lifestyle at all, not one bit. Do I miss having abs? Yeah, let's be real. But I have zero desire to return to the life I lead maintaining those abs.

I now see women/girls that are very body image focused, and constantly drawing attention to a look or body they "have to have" or an overly obsessive diet/workout routine and am totally turned off by it. It casts a totally different shadow now, one that I see riddled with issues. Not attractive at all. It reminds me of my former way of thinking and living and makes me uncomfortable. Not to be condescending (really trying not to sound harsh or judgmental here I swear!) but it's just really hitting me how all this stuff shakes out when you take a step away from it all.

Still lots of work to do on my end of course, as I struggle really hard everyday to be comfortable in my own skin. But learning something new and gaining a perspective I really never had is kind of exciting, and I like to think a small sign of progress.

I hope this all makes sense, cheers.

[AdamWW]

@fretslayer

Very relevant to my own motivations for restriction and control of my diet and body. And yes, I do agree that many or perhaps most women do see the polished/'perfect' gym-fat body as a sign of insecurity.

Ironically enough, I - like you - seem to contradict myself when it comes to what I value in others vs. what I implicitly value in myself given how much control and attention I give/gave to being defined. For my own situation, I think it comes down to a lack of confidence and a fear that, without my perfection in controlling leanness and diet, I won't have anything to be 'perfect' at anymore.

I saw myself as a teen when I was chubbier excelling at more deep, meaningful life pursuits, and yet the elusive lean/ripped body was never there. So, I started to control, saw the amount of power I could have over this aspect of myself, and low and behold it spiraled into an addiction/disorder centered on that: control.

That is, I believe, what my ED allows me to cope with... a sense of lack in control and comfort with the world around me. I fear I cannot master the 'important' things in life, but I sure as hell can master the art of cutting and being lean. After doing this for so long, I think I genuinely fear losing that ONE THING I truly am perfect at. I can ALWAYS say 'no' to food if I have to, and when you compare that to 'most people' out there, I'm just way better at it... i'm a damn pro.

Not to digress further, the problem is that controlling food and leanness isn't actually impressive and it sure as hell aint healthy. The 'healthy' way for me to have gone about gaining muscle and being more athletic WOULD have been going out for a sport, just eating less processed crap as a kid, or even just eating more veggies (when I was chubbier, I just ate a common S.A.D. diet). Trouble was, when I saw how rapidly I could see results... I got hooked. AND, of course, like any teenage kid who hated his love-handles, all the chicks at school oogled over the celebrities who had abs, arms, weren't chubby, etc... so I wanted that... I really did.

One thing that really, REALLY confuses me NOW though - at 32 years of age - is how an ED based on values I don't even HAVE anymore has managed to stick around for.... wow... 14 years. Jesus that's almost half my life.

It confuses me because when I think about the kind of body/fitness level I aspire to now, it really does NOT have anything to do with leanness, at least when I see people on TV or in media (or in person, whatever) whose physique I admire. Most of the athletes I think look 'good' are around 14-15% bodyfat, don't really have 6-packs at all, and just look FIT....

There's this odd kind of cognitive dissonance which I am trying to wrap my head around because I'm stuck with habits that reflect values I don't even have anymore... and yet the cycle is still there.

Anyway... little rambly... but I agree with your post. It's an interesting shift in thought process... i'm working through it, but yeah it isn't easy. It will involve me abandoning something I truly am almost perfect at: control.

[deadliftbrah19]

@fretslayer

I struggle with the same because the men I was attracted to had the physical characteristics of the men on this forum, but were broken inside.

Now after weight restoration, I find myself struggling with every aspect of my life, especially love life, being questioned and confused.

In this thread the guys are ripping on me due to my size, although some are supportive thankfully:

https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showt...4436731&page=4

yet if they support me, they are called White Knights.

I can't believe this guy saved old pics of me and then posts them to ridicule me.

I now find the same, that those obsessed with body image are a huge turn-off because I know that they think they are high and mighty and disciplined.

[AdamWW]

@fretslayer

I struggle with the same because the men I was attracted to had the physical characteristics of the men on this forum, but were broken inside.

Now after weight restoration, I find myself struggling with every aspect of my life, especially love life, being questioned and confused.

In this thread the guys are ripping on me due to my size, although some are supportive thankfully:

https://forum.bodybuilding.com/showt...4436731&page=4

yet if they support me, they are called White Knights.

I can't believe this guy saved old pics of me and then posts them to ridicule me.

I now find the same, that those obsessed with body image are a huge turn-off because I know that they think they are high and mighty and disciplined.

TBH the more time I spend with 'real' people (not online, forums, etc) the more I realize how these 'fitness' or bodybuilding social media resources are simply breeding grounds for niche sub-groups that do not reflect the general population. For that I reason, I take anything critical I read on here with a grain of salt... big time.

This is likely not the same for men as it is for women, but simply reflecting on the treatment I receive on here related to various subjects vs how people treat and react to me in real life there is a BIG difference. Anyone can be a keyboard warrior, anyone can come off as clever or 'special' when they digitize their existence. It's the whole Instagram filtered world we live in.

I've heard tons of horror stories from ex's i've had about their past boyfriends, etc, being extremely shallow and womanizing, but I haven't personally experienced it myself. Of course men talk in jest, but no one in my group of friends has ever genuinely shown this kind of behavior; I suppose it depends who you know and who you surround yourself with. The 'good ones' are hard to come by.

Case in point, i think most people who bad-mouth others on here simply love the anonymity on forums, they can hide behind the screen and do whatever they wanna do. In reality, people don't care much either way about how you look, at least in my experience. But I do understand where you're coming from... trying to build confidence and optimism when you come from struggles with body image is very rough even when the negativity comes online.

[deadliftbrah19]

TBH the more time I spend with 'real' people (not online, forums, etc) the more I realize how these 'fitness' or bodybuilding social media resources are simply breeding grounds for niche sub-groups that do not reflect the general population. For that I reason, I take anything critical I read on here with a grain of salt... big time.

This is likely not the same for men as it is for women, but simply reflecting on the treatment I receive on here related to various subjects vs how people treat and react to me in real life there is a BIG difference. Anyone can be a keyboard warrior, anyone can come off as clever or 'special' when they digitize their existence. It's the whole Instagram filtered world we live in.

I've heard tons of horror stories from ex's i've had about their past boyfriends, etc, being extremely shallow and womanizing, but I haven't personally experienced it myself. Of course men talk in jest, but no one in my group of friends has ever genuinely shown this kind of behavior; I suppose it depends who you know and who you surround yourself with. The 'good ones' are hard to come by.

Case in point, i think most people who bad-mouth others on here simply love the anonymity on forums, they can hide behind the screen and do whatever they wanna do. In reality, people don't care much either way about how you look, at least in my experience. But I do understand where you're coming from... trying to build confidence and optimism when you come from struggles with body image is very rough even when the negativity comes online.

That's true and going on sites like Tinder and Bumble are just asking for more people to be shallow. I realized that the recovery depression has led me to be isolated and not even leave my house, but years ago I did Tinder and Bumble and then just stayed inside at night.

My therapist has been giving me homework to do more activities with women to get out, and every time I do it I find myself happier. With depression though just getting there is the toughest as I would cancel with female friends before because I was "tired". True about the anonymity and a lot of the guys on here are frustrated with Tinder and Bumble, then see I received a lot of matches so they lash out to bring my ego down.

The fact that you are a vegan already makes you more insightful than most. I was vegan for 1 year, vegetarian for 15 years and now pescatarian. I still fully support the vegan cause, yet my iron kept getting so low that I would faint, cut my head open and end up in the ambulance so my nutritionist convinced me to add in eggs and fish. I have female stuff that a man doesn't have to deal with in terms of iron. I take supplements but cannot take too much or they upset my stomach. I'm still a staunch animal rights supporter and what I do buy is from organic and hopefully farms that treat ethically (from Whole Foods).

Oh I personally know many men with the womanizing and shallow, yet they are athletes and competitive bodybuilders. That's another tough one is that I compete in tennis and find the outfits triggering because they are so tight with short skirts.

It's easy to sit in the hospital, eat the food on your tray when you are in a controlled environment. I gained 50 lbs in 3 months in the ED hospital. Then I was released, went back to the tennis club and had even men in their 60s come up to me and say "oh look at you, you're getting fat". Even people at work did not recognize me. I would say hi and they would do a double take and say "oh I'm sorry I did not recognize you DLB"

Yet at my thinnest you could see the outline of my skull in my face, and I remember one woman putting a hand on my arm in a comforting way at a meeting, which was so bizarre and never happened. I was in the hospital 2 weeks later after another fainting and cutting my head open episode.

Thankfully I had the group and individual therapy to bring this up to them and I knew that my recovery was more important than what some idiot man at the tennis club, or innocent co-workers who literally did not recognize me, would say. I did not lose that weight and then got pregnant. I was unable to get pregnant before I went into recovery! And during pregnancy I ate so healthy because I knew it was important for the baby.

And yet again, my OB/GYN complained that I gained "too much weight" during pregnancy (40 lbs). I immediately asked for a new OB, and saw a ED nutritionist who was shocked this would happen. I have stories where so many specialist doctors have told me to lose weight: podiatrist, cardiologist. My general practitioner knows to not bring up weight, but the others are clueless.

Anyhow, it just shows how tough it is to return to the "real world" when we live in an eating disordered world. I will have to say I haven't been sick enough to return to the ED hospital in 15 years, and I haven't gotten even halfway close to my smallest size, so I have stayed weight restored in the high end of normal BMI or above for 15 years. However, one can be weight restored but still feel troubled about body image. I have a ways to go in therapy to work on that.

[fretslayer]

@adam @deadlift

Cheers guys, appreciate the lengthy replies!

I will say that I was attracted to the fitness/diet lifestyle because of how it gave me that sense of "Control" I totally get it. Even though I've made some changes to move away from a lot of it, I still have thoughts and feelings that I know deep down are motivated by the fear of how it will effect my physique. When you've been walking around with this way of thinking and doing things for years and years on end, I suppose it's hard to just do a 180 and magically shift gears. But, being aware is at least a step in the right direction.

As for people being shallow, it's just a harsh fact of life. But I do notice the more I step away from fitness world and hang with people who aren't a part of it, that far less focus (if any) is placed on how lean or fit someone is. Also not watching the usual bodybuilding channels, or Diet videos etc has been huge in helping me shift my focus and letting go of the obsession placed on eating/training.

[AdamWW]

@adam @deadlift

Cheers guys, appreciate the lengthy replies!

I will say that I was attracted to the fitness/diet lifestyle because of how it gave me that sense of "Control" I totally get it. Even though I've made some changes to move away from a lot of it, I still have thoughts and feelings that I know deep down are motivated by the fear of how it will effect my physique. When you've been walking around with this way of thinking and doing things for years and years on end, I suppose it's hard to just do a 180 and magically shift gears. But, being aware is at least a step in the right direction.

As for people being shallow, it's just a harsh fact of life. But I do notice the more I step away from fitness world and hang with people who aren't a part of it, that far less focus (if any) is placed on how lean or fit someone is. Also not watching the usual bodybuilding channels, or Diet videos etc has been huge in helping me shift my focus and letting go of the obsession placed on eating/training.

Yeah the triggers are massive when people comment on me now... I can't even begin to explain.

Like this last weekend I had a 36-hole all-day golf match, and it was very hot/sunny here. A dude in our league comes over and starts talking to me and asks "Damn dude, how freaking LEAN are you?? You got veins everywhere!"... he was pointing at my arms/calfs, etc... the heat makes them worse, of course.

It's not even that he commented in a good way, in fact if anything I think he was trying to imply I was 'too' lean (which I am). But, there's something about being 'that guy'... the dude who is different and has that leanness, that gets built into what you think people expect from you.

I think that (living up to expectations) is a big part of what kept/keeps me in this process of recovery and one of the limiting factors. It's almost as though I am OK with gaining whatever amount of fat/weight I have to SO LONG AS people know it's on purpose... if that makes sense.

Almost to say, if I had a means to broadcast you everyone that this (now, super lean) is my starting point, I would be 100% fine with starting even the dirtiest of bulks because people would then KNOW it was on purpose, and that it wasn't just me losing control or discipline. For whatever reason coming off as someone who is lax/lazy/lacking in self-control just scares me somehow... weird.

[fretslayer]

@Adam

Dude!!! You just nailed exactly some of the very things I'm going through as well!!! I too, have that feeling that people "Expect" me to be ripped/lean, because that's how I've always been. So I'm super self conscious, insecure about showing any signs I've lost that. I feel like I need to explain to them that I haven't "let myself go" or that I couldn't stay away from the donuts etc.

A friend of a friend asked me to model some clothing just recently and these people knew me from when I was at my leanest. I had to tell her that my days of running around with my shirt off were kinda behind me. I felt pretty lousy around it. Like I was going to be a disappointment. There were those expectations again.

A bit off topic, but I just saw a post from a girl I know on ********. It was something along the lines of "I'm never leaving the gym, and never eating a single piece of bad food ever again" I don't miss that kind of mindset, not one bit. Not a fun place/or way to live. I feel like that really isn't living these days ya know?

[AdamWW]

@Adam

Dude!!! You just nailed exactly some of the very things I'm going through as well!!! I too, have that feeling that people "Expect" me to be ripped/lean, because that's how I've always been. So I'm super self conscious, insecure about showing any signs I've lost that. I feel like I need to explain to them that I haven't "let myself go" or that I couldn't stay away from the donuts etc.

A friend of a friend asked me to model some clothing just recently and these people knew me from when I was at my leanest. I had to tell her that my days of running around with my shirt off were kinda behind me. I felt pretty lousy around it. Like I was going to be a disappointment. There were those expectations again.

A bit off topic, but I just saw a post from a girl I know on ********. It was something along the lines of "I'm never leaving the gym, and never eating a single piece of bad food ever again" I don't miss that kind of mindset, not one bit. Not a fun place/or way to live. I feel like that really isn't living these days ya know?

It's such a weird feeling dude... the whole expectations things. I mean I know I shouldn't care at all, but somehow I do... it's freakin weird.

I guess maybe it stems from my own beliefs about other people/most people because yeah, MOST of the population who gains fat/weight in a short period of time do so because they 'let themselves go', and I fear others making that same assumption about me. Like if I showed up to a golf match and that dude were to say, "HEY, you gained some weight!"... Honestly I don't know how i'd take that. I'd probably feel great if someone said "Wow you look like you put on like 50 pounds of pure lean muscle with zero fat!", but let's be realistic...the fact is, they're talking about the overall size gain.

I even recall back when I did manage to bulk up (and it was a very lean bulk) from mid-150's up to low 170's, my friends were saying how different I looked, etc... and even though they said it looked 'good', I STILL felt this unsettling feeling in my head: "do they mean FAT? Are they just being nice?". After so many years as the lean dude, it's such a tough thing to abandon...

I've actually been considering making this shift in lifestyle more public to my friends just so I don't have to worry about coming up with explanations or anything... but at the same time I feel like I NEED to get over those fears of expectations. Who knows... maybe a ******** post saying "And now I start my perma-bulk!" for everyone to see... but again, I shouldn't care... this shouldn't be an issue at all.

I also 100% agree with your comment about the ******** girl. I hear people at work and in my circles of friends talking about how they're going super low-carb, how they finally trimmed down to a goal weight and will never look back, how they meticulously cutting calories... I truly don't want that for myself at all. The people with lifestyles and body's I actually want don't live or look that way...

If I had to estimate where I want to be, I would say I wanna be something like 180lb (i'm 6 foot) and around 12-14% bodyfat... fit-looking but mainly just strong, broad, and able to run fast/be functional and very athletic. I don't have any delusions about becoming huge... I just want to be fit, happy, and that's it... not sub-10% bodyfat like I am now... not all oiled up in a speedo... more like an actual athlete really.

[AdamWW]

Had a really random exchange of words with my dad today.

He came by place today to do some work (he owns the house), and he said some things about feeling 'concerned' about my thinness. I knew he had noticed my dropping weight over the last two years, but this was a more pointed conversation than we'd had before.

Kind of hit me harder than usual for some reason, just hearing my father say those kinds of things. As a result, feeling a bit down... not a triggered way (perhaps even the opposite), but kind of depressing.

[fretslayer]

Had a really random exchange of words with my dad today.

He came by place today to do some work (he owns the house), and he said some things about feeling 'concerned' about my thinness. I knew he had noticed my dropping weight over the last two years, but this was a more pointed conversation than we'd had before.

Kind of hit me harder than usual for some reason, just hearing my father say those kinds of things. As a result, feeling a bit down... not a triggered way (perhaps even the opposite), but kind of depressing.

Did you by any chance get to explain to him what you are going through and your awareness/recovery at all?

[AdamWW]

Did you by any chance get to explain to him what you are going through and your awareness/recovery at all?

I did not. He and I don't have that kind of relationship to be honest... it's just not something I want to discuss with him. My mom, though, I wouldn't feel apprehensive about but she's too thoughtful to say I look unhealthy...

[AdamWW]

Just weighed in at my heaviest weight I've seen on the scale in 5 months. Definitely mixed feelings: both proud feeling like I'm doing the right thing but also nervous because of you-know-what.

HOWEVER, it changes nothing in terms of what I'll eat or do. Gotta keep on truckin'

[conjr94]

I've felt incredibly agitated around my father and brother recently as they've decided to go on a diet to lose weight. My attempts at establishing a normal relationship with food seems completely derailed, I've resorted to eating oatmeal with protein powder 3 times a day, often replacing most meals which I was trying to stop. I seriously cannot handle all the talk of how "good" they're being eating healthier, how "naughty" I was for eating a little nougat (my favorite sweet) my grandmother gave me, unlike them on their "healthy diets".

I seriously feel enraged and hope they fail like they typically do, to the point I've had thoughts of making tempting comfort or sweet food to try to derail them, though I know this is unreasonably malicious. I don't know how I can deal with it...I mean they do need to sort their health out regardless of how much it annoys me.

[AdamWW]

I've felt incredibly agitated around my father and brother recently as they've decided to go on a diet to lose weight. My attempts at establishing a normal relationship with food seems completely derailed, I've resorted to eating oatmeal with protein powder 3 times a day, often replacing most meals which I was trying to stop. I seriously cannot handle all the talk of how "good" they're being eating healthier, how "naughty" I was for eating a little nougat (my favorite sweet) my grandmother gave me, unlike them on their "healthy diets".

I seriously feel enraged and hope they fail like they typically do, to the point I've had thoughts of making tempting comfort or sweet food to try to derail them, though I know this is unreasonably malicious. I don't know how I can deal with it...I mean they do need to sort their health out regardless of how much it annoys me.

Are they aware of your situation with disordered food thoughts?

If so, that's very inconsiderate of them.

I deal with some 'kind of' similar things with my sister and my friends, too... but it's not targeted at me... more so just hearing them talk about weak loss and eating healthy... etc...

Usually I end up just saying I hope it works for them, but that I'd rather live a balanced life instead of restricting myself like a lab rat.

[fretslayer]

Are they aware of your situation with disordered food thoughts?

If so, that's very inconsiderate of them.

I deal with some 'kind of' similar things with my sister and my friends, too... but it's not targeted at me... more so just hearing them talk about weak loss and eating healthy... etc...

Usually I end up just saying I hope it works for them, but that I'd rather live a balanced life instead of restricting myself like a lab rat.

The bold part of your post above is what ultimately wins everyday. Couldn't agree more.

Sorry to hear about your Dad and Mom (not being able to really share your ED struggles) I have really only my mom, my Therapist and people from ED group that I share this with. Otherwise I say little to nothing. Typically nothing at all.

[AdamWW]

The bold part of your post above is what ultimately wins everyday. Couldn't agree more.

Sorry to hear about your Dad and Mom (not being able to really share your ED struggles) I have really only my mom, my Therapist and people from ED group that I share this with. Otherwise I say little to nothing. Typically noting at all.

Yeah my dad is just a very black and white person... he's an ER doctor... very, VERY smart but does not have the highest degree of empathy (at least not what he shows). He's a really good guy but if I'm looking for emotional or mental support it's not where I'd go. He's more the strong, quiet type.

My mom and some other friends on the other hand are very helpful, but even they don't know. Really, no one in my life knows for certain in the sense that I haven't told them, even if that's what they'd suspect.

[finnyskat]

hey, all. in a bit of a pickle. just need a place to talk.
i'm terribly concerned for my health. i don't know that i'm experiencing extreme hunger anymore, just the mental drive to "eat eat eat". always thinking of food and worrying about whether or not i'm eating too much. scale hasn't changed much, but body has. worried about insulin resistance as i lay around waiting for my cycle to come back. missing not thinking of food. trying to eat mostly organic because i'm worried about my health. low thyroid and sex hormones. terrified.

encouragement appreciated.

[AdamWW]

hey, all. in a bit of a pickle. just need a place to talk.
i'm terribly concerned for my health. i don't know that i'm experiencing extreme hunger anymore, just the mental drive to "eat eat eat". always thinking of food and worrying about whether or not i'm eating too much. scale hasn't changed much, but body has. worried about insulin resistance as i lay around waiting for my cycle to come back. missing not thinking of food. trying to eat mostly organic because i'm worried about my health. low thyroid and sex hormones. terrified.

encouragement appreciated.

Extreme hunger, actually is a combination of BOTH mental and physical need, or it can be one or the other. So, it sounds like you still just have extreme hunger.

You said you're missing not thinking about food, but you just said you're always worrying about eating too much... so... it sounds like you ARE thinking about food all the time.

You're not putting yourself at risk for insulin issues... if anything being underweight and malnourished is the main health concern... extreme hunger will HEAL you, not HARM you.

Be calm... take it easy... listen to your body and focus on letting your body heal your problems.

[finnyskat]

Extreme hunger, actually is a combination of BOTH mental and physical need, or it can be one or the other. So, it sounds like you still just have extreme hunger.

You said you're missing not thinking about food, but you just said you're always worrying about eating too much... so... it sounds like you ARE thinking about food all the time.

You're not putting yourself at risk for insulin issues... if anything being underweight and malnourished is the main health concern... extreme hunger will HEAL you, not HARM you.

Be calm... take it easy... listen to your body and focus on letting your body heal your problems.

... thanks man.... i needed that. this feeling comes and goes and its so yucky

[AdamWW]

... thanks man.... i needed that. this feeling comes and goes and its so yucky

Right there with you man... believe me.

One minute I hate the sight of food, the next minute I want to eat a house. I understand.

[MosToorani]

Hi All,

Been a while since I posted here. I keep on reading the posts though.

Thought I'd provide an update.

Went on a 2 week vacation with the family to London, didn't workout etc. Enjoyed good food and a well needed rest with the family.

Came back from vacation weighing the same as I left, which is good I guess, at least I didn't lose weight, which I tend to whenever I travel.

Anyways .. Weighed myself yesterday, my usual end of the month weigh-in, and to my surprise .. its the heaviest i've been for the past 3 years. ED thoughts came to mind of course .. The thoughts of needing to lose weight came to mind .. All these horrible thoughts throughout the day..

I'll be honest .. I don't like the way my abdomen looks. The 'excess skin' is all filled up and it looks .. horrible.. to be frank.

I haven't reduced my intake, that's for sure..

Nevertheless, I don't know how I feel about it .. One minute my mind says lose weight, the other minute it says trust the process and continue eating at the same rate of calories ..

Gym strength has been the same, actually, slightly less than when I left on vacation ..

P.s 3 kg addition in weight from post vacation till yesterday (2 week period) .. I believe it's a misread on the scale but whatever.

Cheers All.

MT

[Strength93]

I also want to give you guys an update (I've been reading along like Moos)

I've seen a dietician and a therapist for the past month. Even though the plan is to gain weight at a moderate pace I've managed to overeat so much that I've gained 30lbs in one month. Yes 30 POUNDS! I'm going to see a gastroenterologist because of my massive capacity.