Confused About Wife's Sex Drive

[cbates79]

Background about our life:
I'm 36. She's 33. We have three kids. Both work (me full time, her part time). Been married 11 years, but together 14 years.

Our sex life has never been great outside the first 2-3 years of first getting together. What I mean by not that great is that it's not frequent enough. At least for my liking. Usually we have sex like once every 6-8 weeks. Although lately it's been maybe 2-3 times every 6-8 weeks, so it has slightly gotten better over the last few months, but still pretty crappy.

When I talk to her about not having enough sex, she just says "I'm just not in the mood" or "I'm too tired" or "we just had sex 3 weeks ago". If she detects I'm trying to get her in the "mood", she'll shut it down real quick by saying "It's not going to happen so don't waste your time". I don't think I'm bad in bed. I'm well above average in length and slightly above average in girth. The sessions can go from 10 minutes to 40 minutes. She seems to enjoy it and gets off multiple times. So I don't think it's due to lack of performance or pleasure from sex. I've suggested she have her hormones checked out, but she refuses to. She says having sex the amount of times we do it fits her sex drive.

Here's the part I'm confused about her sex drive. She has a vibrator, like I'm sure most women do. She made it seem like in the past that she uses it like once or twice a month. So it didn't really bother me. However, I'm starting to realize, she uses it a lot more than that. Seems like 4+ times a week. I know this seems creepy, but I had to know how often she uses it so I could come to this conclusion. I would lay it a different way each day, and then would check to see if it would be placed back in a different position. That's how I found out she was using it so often.

Without coming across as creepy and telling her how I found out, I tried to talk to her about that I know she uses her vibrator more than she claims. Which I don't have a problem with self pleasure, but I feel like I'm being replaced by a vibrator in the bedroom. She refuses to talk about the subject. She says that's her private time and not going to talk about it. I brought up my concerns that she seems to have plenty sex drive, so why not utilize your husband that is more than willing to help you out on getting off. She tells me that her using her vibrator has nothing to do with her sex drive. She's not usually in the mood to use it. She just uses it to use it. Then it turned into a huge fight, so I dropped it. Don't really have it in me anymore to talk about the subject again.

I guess I'm wondering is it normal for a couples our age to have almost no sex life, but the person refusing to try to make it better uses other ways of getting off? Is it possible she just doesn't have a sex drive and she's not BSing me about why she uses it? I'm starting to wonder if this is normal and I should just accept, or if she's being completely unreasonable on this and we may just be too different for each other. Other than the sex part, our marriage is pretty good. We get along great, do things together, like plenty vacations or date nights, and so on. I don't think she's cheating, but you never know with people these days. Life just seems too short to go through it miserable or pissed. However, I don't want to break up a family due to sex. I think that would seem pretty low.

I don't get it, and I'm starting to hold resentment towards her and have been acting cold lately.

Also, she refuses to go to marriage counseling regarding this. She does not like discussing sexual topics period.


Cliffs:
Wife would rather get %#$ed by vibrator instead of husband.
We have sex about two times every 6-8 weeks.
OP thinks he's good in bed, wife seems to enjoy it.
She thinks our sex life is normal for people our age.
OP is confused if wife is broken or if this is just normal stuff for some couples.

[Gijss]

dont get married next time

[FU3L]

Once every month and a half is pretty ridiculous. Did you know her sex drive was this low before marriage or did it happen afterward? The other issue would be that you don't satisfy her during sex/it's bad sex so she'd rather take care of business herself. Don't downplay the issue either...sex is a huge part of successful relationships.

[FriendOfFrank]

Are you for real???!!!

No. There is nothing normal or acceptable about your situation. If you're not trolling, she just has zero attraction for you. There's nothing wrong with her sex drive if she's masturbating regularly.

[pondus_levo]

Your wife and your marriage is broken. The fact that she refuses to address it and will not go to counseling should be an indicator. Your marriage will fail if nothing is done.

Same thing happened with my soon-to-be ex-wife.You have to be with someone that has the same sex drive as you. I put up with it far too long. I would rather be alone and sexless than married and only getting sex ever so often, but this is just 1/20 reason I am getting a divorce.

[kenfowler]

If this is true it's kind of sad. You're just used to it and because you love her and have children, you're justifying it.

The fact that you were brave enough to bring it up in an adult manner is reason enough for her to trust and respect you. Remember, the more you "complain" about sex, the more she won't want it. This is a weird cycle that you're in man.

It's not normal. I understand being tired, busy, etc...but that's very questionable. And what FriendofFrank said...her sex drive is fine if she's doing it that much. 4 times a week, jeez. That's cool and all, but I'd feel like I was being substituted too.

You need to tell you this issue HAS TO BE SORTED OUT and it's important for the health of your marriage. It's a huge aspect of a relationship and can't be ignored.

Can you remember a point in time that you messed up bad? something that might have made her resent you? Women never forget anything, even if it was the worst case scenario ever.

I hear that sex frequency goes down as couples stay together longer, but that is unacceptable.

[kenfowler]

Your wife and your marriage is broken. The fact that she refuses to address it and will not go to counseling should be an indicator. Your marriage will fail if nothing is done.

Same thing happened with my soon-to-be ex-wife. You have to be with someone that has the same sex drive as you.

dang man, sorry. As you of all people know, it'll be for the best if you decide to finalize it. Stay strong brother!

[Lysol84]

If you really want to know what's up with her sex life ask DeMarcus.

Nah but you have to get more creative and tap into her freaky and sensual side.

[cbates79]

Once every month and a half is pretty ridiculous. Did you know her sex drive was this low before marriage or did it happen afterward? The other issue would be that you don't satisfy her during sex/it's bad sex so she'd rather take care of business herself. Don't downplay the issue either...sex is a huge part of successful relationships.

It started getting a little lower once she got pregnant with our first kid. Then after the baby is when it practically just stopped.

[GuloGuloQC]

Your wife and your marriage is broken. The fact that she refuses to address it and will not go to counseling should be an indicator. Your marriage will fail if nothing is done.

Agreed. Failure to communicate is a really bad sign - means she has moved on mentally. I think your marriage is already over - for her.

Hopefully you guys can work it out. Wishing you luck.

[ryantrek]

Sounds like a bad spot to be in. If she's not even open to talk about it, and won't accept that it's important to you, then you're kinda screwed OP

[cbates79]

Are you for real???!!!

No. There is nothing normal or acceptable about your situation. If you're not trolling, she just has zero attraction for you. There's nothing wrong with her sex drive if she's masturbating regularly.

Not trolling. I've thought about the attraction part and have even asked her. She says she's still very much attracted to me. She could be lying, so no way to tell for sure.

[Rabbitjb]

It's not enough but it may also be temporary

Do you ever use her vibrator on her? Or change it up, try new things? How do you know she's "satisfied"?

And how old are kids...the younger they are the more chance they are forever physically close to her and that can be draining to the point it's hard to be touched by another human

Does she ever get time alone? Just her ...a weekend of solitude or with friends just being an adult not at someone's beck and call

Have you taken a break from the kids at all? Just been a couple ...for longer than a couple of days ...say 5 days minimum ...got anyone who will watch the kids for you whilst you disappear somewhere and then give it a couple of days to acclimatise before turning it into more


Also headspace is intensely important ...she has to feel sexual, not nurturing ... women's fiction is increasingly erotic ...start by buying her some books like "women on top" (it's a pseudo-intellectual approach but basically a collection of women's fantasies)

And lingerie / dress up stuff ...fuk-me heels ..the lot ...start playing with her head encouraging that fantasy life and the body will follow

[gixxer0.6g]

Get a fleshlight and pound on that thing daily. That will teach her.



But srs, girls are weird. They have the fantasy side of their sex life and then the actual sex life. Their fantasy side is basically our porn side. The one we like to keep private that's just for easy S&Gs. Sounds like she's busy, bored, tired, moody, resentful, or all of the above. Nothing some sweet romance won't fix. I know it sucks but wives need to feel loved. The more loved they feel the more sexy they feel and the more they'll want to PIITB.

BTW, clever girl on the vib rotations. I should do that too. Or maybe I shouldn't

[MyAvatar]

It's not enough but it may also be temporary

Do you ever use her vibrator on her? Or change it up, try new things? How do you know she's "satisfied"?

And how old are kids...the younger they are the more chance they are forever physically close to her and that can be draining to the point it's hard to be touched by another human

Does she ever get time alone? Just her ...a weekend of solitude or with friends just being an adult not at someone's beck and call

Have you taken a break from the kids at all? Just been a couple ...for longer than a couple of days ...say 5 days minimum ...got anyone who will watch the kids for you whilst you disappear somewhere and then give it a couple of days to acclimatise before turning it into more


Also headspace is intensely important ...she has to feel sexual, not nurturing ... women's fiction is increasingly erotic ...start by buying her some books like "women on top" (it's a pseudo-intellectual approach but basically a collection of women's fantasies)

Mostly this , but I want to expand on quality time alone. What does your quality time together look like since your first child ?


Any estimates on hours per week would help.

[JoshLogic]

Some girls just don't have a high sex drive, and think once a month is plenty.

However, because she use to have sex with you a lot and currently uses a vibrator, I don't think that's the issue OP.

She's lost attraction for you, physically and emotionally. She doesn't even give enough ****s to work on it or figure out the issue. Zero respect for the relationship and the family you've built together. You have to have a good sit down with her and make a decision based on how that goes.

[Rabbitjb]

I really don't think this has to be a lack of attraction for you, it is far more likely she's lost herself as a sexual adult in the pressures of being the perfect mother

The two roles competing for head space topped with exhaustion of young families, possible insecurity in her body and what she perceives as pressure to perform, rather than the joy and abandonment of fukking the man she trusts and loves

[pondus_levo]

I really don't think this has to be a lack of attraction for you, it is far more likely she's lost herself as a sexual adult in the pressures of being the perfect mother

The two roles competing for head space topped with exhaustion of young families, possible insecurity in her body and what she perceives as pressure to perform, rather than the joy and abandonment of fukking the man she trusts and loves

I doubt its lack of attraction too, but there is no excuse to not try to make it better. Men deal with the same stress and pressures, yet we figure out how to make it work and keep our wife's happy. If she won't do the same in return, it no longer a marriage. It's being a glorified roommate.

[Rabbitjb]

I doubt its lack of attraction too, but there is no excuse to not try to make it better. Men deal with the same stress and pressures, yet we figure out how to make it work and keep our wife's happy. If she won't do the same in return, it no longer a marriage. It's being a glorified roommate.

If that's true where young children are concerned then IME it's both unusual and pretty awesome

[gixxer0.6g]

I doubt its lack of attraction too, but there is no excuse to not try to make it better. Men deal with the same stress and pressures, yet we figure out how to make it work and keep our wife's happy. If she won't do the same in return, it no longer a marriage. It's being a glorified roommate.

There is a night and day difference between sex with men and women. Making it work is easy for us because there is no emotional attachment for us.

[pondus_levo]

If that's true where young children are concerned then IME it's both unusual and pretty awesome

I have 3 young children and to use them as a reason to not be intimate is a cop out. You make time for your significant other or your relationship fails. Nothing should change just because you get married and have kids. Yet it happens ALL THE ****ING TIME!

If you were able to handle your life and make time for each other when dating for fear of losing that person, then you should be able to handle your life and make time for each other when married in fear of losing that person.

Who in their right mind would date, let a alone marry, a person that does not make time for them and doesn't want to be intimate? It has to continue the entire relationship, I don't care how busy you get.

[kenfowler]

I have 3 young children and to use them as a reason to not be intimate is a cop out. You make time for your significant other or your relationship fails. Nothing should change just because you get married and have kids. Yet it happens ALL THE ****ING TIME!

If you were able to handle your life and make time for each other when dating for fear of losing that person, then you should be able to handle your life and make time for each other when married in fear of losing that person.

Who in their right mind would date, let a alone marry, a person that does not make time for them and doesn't want to be intimate? It has to continue the entire relationship, I don't care how busy you get.

quite true. There's always people trying to justify someone's excuses. I understand that there are always certain instances of people being too stressed or busy...but that's generally a personal problem that can be solved.

Rabbitjb, you're always nice and have some good thoughts to offer....but your posts just flat out don't make sense to me! I'm not a woman though, so that might be it. You always have the devil's advocate answer. I hope some of your answers are based on that and not always on your true feelings or ideas. I don't mean any of this in a mean way.

[Rabbitjb]

I have 3 young children and to use them as a reason to not be intimate is a cop out. You make time for your significant other or your relationship fails. Nothing should change just because you get married and have kids. Yet it happens ALL THE ****ING TIME!

If you were able to handle your life and make time for each other when dating for fear of losing that person, then you should be able to handle your life and make time for each other when married in fear of losing that person.

Who in their right mind would date, let a alone marry, a person that does not make time for them and doesn't want to be intimate? It has to continue the entire relationship, I don't care how busy you get.

It's not about being busy ...it's about the distinct physical pressures small children put on their main adult carer and the way that role of nurturer / caregiver seeps into your psyche and can drown out the sexual energy in you

It takes a concerted effort from both partners to overcome that in my view

[Rabbitjb]

quite true. There's always people trying to justify someone's excuses. I understand that there are always certain instances of people being too stressed or busy...but that's generally a personal problem that can be solved.

Rabbitjb, you're always nice and have some good thoughts to offer....but your posts just flat out don't make sense to me! I'm not a woman though, so that might be it. You always have the devil's advocate answer. I hope some of your answers are based on that and not always on your true feelings or ideas. I don't mean any of this in a mean way.

If my thoughts sound so completely alien to you I'm not surprised so many people on here, not necessarily you specifically, have women troubles. I'm really not playing devils advocate, I'm speaking from an individual woman's perspective, one who is fortunate enough to have a happy long term relationship that despite the ups and downs works for both of us

And don't worry I don't offend easily ...I'm wearing my big girl panties

[gixxer0.6g]

.I'm wearing my big girl panties

Like these?

I have 3 young children and to use them as a reason to not be intimate is a cop out. You make time for your significant other or your relationship fails. Nothing should change just because you get married and have kids. Yet it happens ALL THE ****ING TIME!

If you were able to handle your life and make time for each other when dating for fear of losing that person, then you should be able to handle your life and make time for each other when married in fear of losing that person.

Who in their right mind would date, let a alone marry, a person that does not make time for them and doesn't want to be intimate? It has to continue the entire relationship, I don't care how busy you get.

You don't sound very married.

[kenfowler]

Now you're starting to sound like a self righteous dik. Makes more sense now. She's not having sex with you because she's not in the mood. She's not having sex with you because you're a controlling dik smack.

I don't think he's being a dik. It's just a bland, in your face answer. It's all common sense. Each person in a relationship wants to feel loved.

It's up to the couple to work it out. Communication. If the wife is too stressed cause the kids, the husband can work some time in to relieve her. If work is too stressful for someone, they can find a sitter and go on a date. There's ways to work things out.

If you're not willing to work them out, then your partner just isn't that important to you and it's time that you separate.

I know that these aren't good specific answers to legitimate problems, but I really do think that most issues are solvable if both parties really want to be together.

[deadliftbrah19]

I know many women with 2-4 small children who have discussed this issue with me.

For them it's much easier to use the Rabbit/vibrator than to get showered, shaved, perfumed, brush teeth, mouthwash, all done up in lingerie for the husband when you have 3 small children. She's just completely exhausted, and the last thing she wants to do is get intimate with her husband.

I know one lady at the Christian sex retreat I went to, told her husband "Can you hurry up please. Do I have to move?"

It's a huge problem. The issue is that you have an obligation to try everything to make the marriage to work for the sake of those 3 little faces staring up at you. They are dependent on their parents being together, and any divorce/split puts them in an instant level of anxiety, blaming themselves and sadness, not to mention long term studies on children of divorce are very negative.

The problem in our society is that men expect sex X number of times per week, women except the husband's to wine and dine them and shower them with white knight comments, flowers, diamond earrings, trips for their anniversary, etc.

Tell her either marriage counseling has to happen as this is important to you.

Someone told me if you can survive until the last child reaches the age of 5, then your marriage should be able to last a lifetime. Children from 0-5, and teenagers, are very challenging to parent. Ages 5-10 are the golden years IMO.

[kenfowler]

If my thoughts sound so completely alien to you I'm not surprised so many people on here, not necessarily you specifically, have women troubles. I'm really not playing devils advocate, I'm speaking from an individual woman's perspective, one who is fortunate enough to have a happy long term relationship that despite the ups and downs works for both of us

And don't worry I don't offend easily ...I'm wearing my big girl panties

Eh we all have our relationship problems. We just have the internet now to bitch about it and seek advice!

I guess the best way for me to take it in, is that different ideas and plans of action work for different relationships.

[LexBrah]

[QUOTE=gixxer0.6g;1444319181]Get a fleshlight and pound on that thing daily. That will teach her.



But srs, girls are weird. They have the fantasy side of their sex life and then the actual sex life. Their fantasy side is basically our porn side. The one we like to keep private that's just for easy S&Gs. Sounds like she's busy, bored, tired, moody, resentful, or all of the above. Nothing some sweet romance won't fix. I know it sucks but wives need to feel loved. The more loved they feel the more sexy they feel and the more they'll want to PIITB.

[QUOTE]
quoted for truth.

She's lost attraction for you, physically and emotionally. She doesn't even give enough ****s to work on it or figure out the issue. Zero respect for the relationship and the family you've built together. You have to have a good sit down with her and make a decision based on how that goes.

I don't think its 100% an attraction thing. I go solo a lot even though I have a girlfriend who lives with me because it's nice to mix it up, its more selfish - whatever. Its just quicker and less hassle. Sounds bad, I'm wording it badly. She could just fancy a quicky though, or maybe she has some kinky as hell fantasies that she wants to play out that she doesn't feel comfortable doing or imagining when shes with the OP. Who knows.

OP: Try not bringing up anything sexual with her. No sexual puns. No slapping her bum. No asking about sex etc.. Give it 3-4 weeks and she might get really confused and start approaching you. Who knows?

[Layne205]

It's very common unfortunately, especially after kids. Reddit has a deadbedrooms section that will teach you two things, it could be a LOT worse, and it rarely gets better. In my not-professional opinion though, the fact that she masturbates is a good thing. At least she doesn't actually have no libido (which can be basically unfixable with women). I'm sure we're all aware that sex and masturbation are not exactly the same thing, and sometimes you might want one and not the other. Sometimes you just want to come without thinking about another person. But in the same way that cheeseburgers and icecream are not the same thing, if she loads up on icecream before dinner, she won't want any cheeseburgers. It seems logical to me that if she slowed down on the masturbation, her appetite for sex would increase. But I have no idea how to make that happen without starting a fight. One thing is absolute though, you cannot just let it go and hope it gets better. It won't. Going to marriage counseling alone for now is probably your best bet. Maybe you can learn how to get her to discuss sex. If she doesn't learn to, your relationship is doomed.