What to do not to beat the crap out of my SIL

[bodyhard]

The OV35 folks have always given me great advice (even my haters on here) there are some incredibly intelligent common sense folks here. So once again I find myself asking you guys for some advice.

The man who should have married my daughter passed away at a very young age, he caught an epilepsy attack while taking a shower and was found dead. This guy did everything for my daughter even asked me for her hand in marriage (I kind of laughed when he did it because I was not used to that kind of maturity)

Anyway, she has been with a guy who has no job, keeps trying to be a rapper (he is 32 now) he is a straight up thug, smokes weed all the time and really has no ambition. My daughter holds them down, she brings in the money and maintains the house. I always thought that she was just going off a rebound, but now she has a beautiful daughter from this f'cking idiot and I am losing my patience..

I know it is my daughters stupidity to be with him, but she is my only daughter and I can't help getting angry every time I walk into the house and this motherf'cker is just laying around smoking weed and listening to rap. I went out of my way to get him a job (it is hard for him to get a job because he has a felony over his head) when I found out my daughter was pregnant, he quit two days later.

The other day I came really close to putting him in the hospital, took a look at my daughters face and I just walked out of their house,

There is nothing I can say to my daughter so I have to fix ME, to wrap my head around the fact there isn't anything I can do, so OV35 help me out here, what can I do to get this out of my mind before I kill this kid...

[discdoggie]

You can't do anything until she herself is ready to leave. Then you can support her as she will need it as a single parent

[shaneinga]

Call the cops, tell them you are a neighbor and smell weed coming from their apartment. Do this while she is working and not at the house. If he has a felony, he might actually do some time and while he is in jail maybe she can move on with her life.

Dude is going now where, one less mouth for her to feed won't be a bad thing.

Maybe another stint in jail will wake his azz up, maybe she will find someone new.

You tried the nice guy way with getting him a job. Time for some tough love.

[acrawlingchaos]

Call the cops, tell them you are a neighbor and smell weed coming from their apartment. Do this while she is working and not at the house. If he has a felony, he might actually do some time and while he is in jail maybe she can move on with her life.

Dude is going now where, one less mouth for her to feed won't be a bad thing.

Maybe another stint in jail will wake his azz up, maybe she will find someone new.

You tried the nice guy way with getting him a job. Time for some tough love.

By being a snitch? Na, not BH's style.


Tell him he's a piece of sh*t and move on, not much you can do at this point. She sees something in him that may or may not be there.

[Fishman15]

he smokes weed all the time and really has no ambition.

Sounds about right...sorry you have to be put in this spot BH. Unfortunately, until your daughter starts to see the reality of the situation there is not much you can do except tell her how you feel and be there for her when the chit hits the fan...and you know it will.

[ElrondHubbard]

You can't do anything until she herself is ready to leave. Then you can support her as she will need it as a single parent

^^^^ This. She's going to be a single mom and you're going to help raise your granddaughter. It's pretty much inevitable. Maybe your daughter needs to be aware of this? Maybe she thinks right now she has no place else to go?

Sorry you're in this bind, BH. I got no wisdom here, just moral support. I know you're a good man who wants to do the right thing. And figuring that out is hard. Let your daughter know you're there for her, maybe she just needs help finding the courage to ditch the jerk.

[shaneinga]

By being a snitch? Na, not BH's style.


Tell him he's a piece of sh*t and move on, not much you can do at this point. She sees something in him that may or may not be there.

I understand that. I figured I would give him something other than the canned response of you can't help her until she is ready. Messing with family is a touchy situation, what resources he chooses to correct the issue is up to him.

I have run off more than one crap boyfriend that my sister has brought home. None of which needed cops to get it done, but there was this one guy where that option was on the table.

Some losers only respond to a heavy hand. Who's hand that is up to the person in that situation.

Title of this thread was to help BH "not" kill his SIL. The law is a viable option.

[silverlightning]

tell him to get a job at a recording studio doing any job, maybe he'll get discovered. in other words, use reverse psychology.

[Cass40]

tell him to get a job at a recording studio doing any job, maybe he'll get discovered. in other words, use reverse psychology.

It's not his job to motivate someone to work who has a baby, and honestly you can't really be a musician when you have a family to support..unless you're Kanye.
My own husband is a musician and he had a baby at 17. So he moved here from Mississippi, and worked at sunset guitar center being their number one salesman 10 years in a row (all guitar centers in country). It took a lot effort before they even gave him the job, and he had to hang around the store and pretty much beg them to give him a job, even though he never wanted to do that.
So he worked there to support his family and as soon as the baby was grown, he never worked a regular job again.
He can be the flakey musician all he wants now but you can't do that with a family. It's not an easy life.

Edit..I am conveniently leaving any information about whether he did or did not smoke weed his whole life though

[Cass40]

epic job of trying to hijack bh's thread about his son in law with stories about your husband cass...

I never make anything about me, you know that

I'm sorry that she lost her boyfriend that she's was gonna marry, though. Life sux

[mtpockets]

If he was anything but a punk, he would have manned up by now. He isn't going to unless your daughter stops enabling him, she is the one living with him and allowing this behavior. It's her that needs to see the light, talk to her.


Or

make nice with him, He likes rap, does he like cars? Offer him a fast night ride in a Camaro, in the trunk, hands tied and gagged. He can listen to rap until he bounces around enough to come to his senses.

Seriously tho,

Good luck Op, IMO, It's your daughter that needs to come around and let this guy bum on someone else's couch.

[mikieson]

maybe you and your boys work some scare tactics? like be totally cool.Out on the town,pool,a drink or 2,ride in fast car,laugh have a good time...THEN let him know he needs to change and be a man,OR things could get bad. Sometimes scaring someone works.

[discdoggie]

Keep introducing her to really good dudes.

I don't condone affairs, but if she is constantly bombarded by examples of how she could and SHOULD be treated, it might force her to take a good look at her current situation.

[tsoden]

The OV35 folks have always given me great advice (even my haters on here) there are some incredibly intelligent common sense folks here. So once again I find myself asking you guys for some advice.

The man who should have married my daughter passed away at a very young age, he caught an epilepsy attack while taking a shower and was found dead. This guy did everything for my daughter even asked me for her hand in marriage (I kind of laughed when he did it because I was not used to that kind of maturity)

Anyway, she has been with a guy who has no job, keeps trying to be a rapper (he is 32 now) he is a straight up thug, smokes weed all the time and really has no ambition. My daughter holds them down, she brings in the money and maintains the house. I always thought that she was just going off a rebound, but now she has a beautiful daughter from this f'cking idiot and I am losing my patience..

I know it is my daughters stupidity to be with him, but she is my only daughter and I can't help getting angry every time I walk into the house and this motherf'cker is just laying around smoking weed and listening to rap. I went out of my way to get him a job (it is hard for him to get a job because he has a felony over his head) when I found out my daughter was pregnant, he quit two days later.

The other day I came really close to putting him in the hospital, took a look at my daughters face and I just walked out of their house,

There is nothing I can say to my daughter so I have to fix ME, to wrap my head around the fact there isn't anything I can do, so OV35 help me out here, what can I do to get this out of my mind before I kill this kid...

We always want the best for our kids dude. I totally get where you are coming from... but you also have to realize that your daughter is a grown woman, one that is capable of making her own life choices. Sadly, and often, this is how people learn from their mistakes. There is probably something in this guy that she is attracted to (Lust? caring, something???)... who knows what it is though.

My sister in law (wife's sister) who is in her 30's has been full of bad life choices since she was a late teenager. We always thought she would one day "grow up" but we are still waiting for that day. My Sister in law has been given every opportunity as her older brother and sister, and raised in a fine household with loving parents who would do anything for anyone, and yet she is now living on welfare, trying desperately to make ends meet with a minimum wage job. She has a 9 year old son that has been forced to live with her Ex because she just can't afford to keep a roof over his head. And yet, she has a boyfriend (long distance relationship that will never see a full commitment) that shower's her with useless sh!t like, ipads, coach handbags, etc etc... but won't help her out of this slump. To make matters worse if she has been given any money, the money is misspent on stuff she does not need.

So what is my point here? It's a similar question to yours...How do you fix this? I firmly believe that you really can't. The person in question has to figure these things out on their own. You can provide support or help where possible, but the real tough choices cannot be made by you. They have to be made by, in this case, you daughter.

[bodyhard]

Thanks for the feedback, but I guess I am not articulating myself correctly (my downfall as my writing sucks) but what I am trying to convey is how do I get THEM out of my MY mind.

I can not fix this, my daughter knows she could move in with me whenever she wants, she has a strong supporting family. She knows what it is like to be with a good man, she had that once. One thing good about her new man is that he is good with her, he just doesn't work and loves his weed. One time Sony came to my backyard and recorded him doing a verse, I thought maybe that was his break but nothing came out of it.

So what I was looking for was some kind of advice on how I could somehow (and this is hard believe me) just to not be so "involved" with their situation because I find myself at night thinking about how I can get him out of her life, if you know what I mean.

[Mark1T]

Sorry you are having to go through this, John. I don't have any advice other than when you have had some time to think it through, I am sure you will be able to find a solution.

Best

[discdoggie]

Thanks for the feedback, but I guess I am not articulating myself correctly (my downfall as my writing sucks) but what I am trying to convey is how do I get THEM out of my MY mind.

I can not fix this, my daughter knows she could move in with me whenever she wants, she has a strong supporting family. She knows what it is like to be with a good man, she had that once. One thing good about her new man is that he is good with her, he just doesn't work and loves his weed. One time Sony came to my backyard and recorded him doing a verse, I thought maybe that was his break but nothing came out of it.

So what I was looking for was some kind of advice on how I could somehow (and this is hard believe me) just to not be so "involved" with their situation because I find myself at night thinking about how I can get him out of her life, if you know what I mean.

Tell him to try switching up strains.

Some are motivating and others are purposely for pain management and can make some people comatose.

[bodyhard]

Tell him to try switching up strains.

Some are motivating and others are purposely for pain management and can make some people comatose.

I have no idea what the hell you just said LMFAO!!

[Cass40]

Let me come here again and give advice since I have zero children

Your situation is very unique because it's very rare parents are involved in their adult children's lives that closely. So all the good that comes from having such closeness, you have to see their struggles too. You just have to accept that it's give and take, and concentrate on the good things. Like you said she has a strong support group so she will always be o.k., and the guy's biggest sin is laziness which could be worse. At least he's there.
DD is talking about weed, you should try it, could fix your ADD

[bodyhard]

Let me come here again and give advice since I have zero children

Your situation is very unique because it's very rare parents are involved in their adult children's lives that closely. So all the good that comes from having such closeness, you have to see their struggles too. You just have to accept that it's give and take, and concentrate on the good things. Like you said she has a strong support group so she will always be o.k., and the guy's biggest sin is laziness which could be worse. At least he's there.
DD is talking about weed, you should try it, could fix your ADD

Yes Cass you are correct our family is very close and if her man was mean to her, he would have been hurt a long time ago, not only by me, but by anyone of my 4 sons, 7 brothers and all her male cousins......

And you are correct it could be worse, but he is just a loser when it comes to finances and to see my daughter having to make ends meet pisses me off. For example if I pay her rent (which I have on more than one occasion), take her food shopping etc etc, I am also doing it for him, ya feel me?

Also I don't have ADD, I don't believe in any of that nonsense.....I have tried weed, makes me paranoid, no thanks!

[mikieson]

BH..nobody can get "them" out of your mind. Its there now. Its like me and my depression I deal with daily because of how things went in my life and not being able to let go and get things out of my mind. It either happens, OR it dont. The only way for it to go away is fix it..OR..simply have that moment where your brain clicks and you say "f^&* it,what can i do anyways?"..

[Cass40]

Yes Cass you are correct our family is very close and if her man was mean to her, he would have been hurt a long time ago, not only by me, but by anyone of my 4 sons, 7 brothers and all her male cousins......

And you are correct it could be worse, but he is just a loser when it comes to finances and to see my daughter having to make ends meet pisses me off. For example if I pay her rent (which I have on more than one occasion), take her food shopping etc etc, I am also doing it for him, ya feel me?

Also I don't have ADD, I don't believe in any of that nonsense.....I have tried weed, makes me paranoid, no thanks!

I know you don't have ADD, and I would never want you to start smoking weed. I like the way you are. I was just kidding about that.
I personally can't stand pot. I'm so low energy anyway so it would just make me Katatonic pretty much. However, some people who are very high energy, use it. Probably not very good for that guy if he's already lazy, though.

Hey, what about taking that guy to the gym with you?

[ajdahlheimer]

Yes Cass you are correct our family is very close and if her man was mean to her, he would have been hurt a long time ago, not only by me, but by anyone of my 4 sons, 7 brothers and all her male cousins......

And you are correct it could be worse, but he is just a loser when it comes to finances and to see my daughter having to make ends meet pisses me off. For example if I pay her rent (which I have on more than one occasion), take her food shopping etc etc, I am also doing it for him, ya feel me?

Also I don't have ADD, I don't believe in any of that nonsense.....I have tried weed, makes me paranoid, no thanks!

When you pay your daughter's rent and/or take her food shopping, have you ever actually told the kid "Hey, I love my daughter and would give her my last dime w/o hesitation, but this is bull**** that I have to do this because you refuse to man-up and work?"

Just curious as to what his response would be......

Is he aware that his current state/outlook on life infuriates you? There is similar scenarios on my wife's side of the family, but her parents/siblings go about things all passive aggressively--which really just enables the behavior.

[GnomusMaximus]

Sounds like he is the "nice loser" type. Sometimes that can be MORE frustrating because the guy might drive you insane, but isn't a bad guy. In some ways it might be easier (for you) if he was bad to her because we all have the papa silverback instinct that we can use there. I'm curious, when you talk to her about how you feel about the situation or ask her how she feels about it, what does she say?

[bodyhard]

BH..nobody can get "them" out of your mind. Its there now. Its like me and my depression I deal with daily because of how things went in my life and not being able to let go and get things out of my mind. It either happens, OR it dont. The only way for it to go away is fix it..OR..simply have that moment where your brain clicks and you say "f^&* it,what can i do anyways?"..

The last part is what I am trying to do.

I know you don't have ADD, and I would never want you to start smoking weed. I like the way you are. I was just kidding about that.
I personally can't stand pot. I'm so low energy anyway so it would just make me Katatonic pretty much. However, some people who are very high energy, use it. Probably not very good for that guy if he's already lazy, though.

Hey, what about taking that guy to the gym with you?

Take him to the gym with me??? Noooooooooooo.....

When you pay your daughter's rent and/or take her food shopping, have you ever actually told the kid "Hey, I love my daughter and would give her my last dime w/o hesitation, but this is bull**** that I have to do this because you refuse to man-up and work?"

Just curious as to what his response would be......

Is he aware that his current state/outlook on life infuriates you? There is similar scenarios on my wife's side of the family, but her parents/siblings go about things all passive aggressively--which really just enables the behavior.

AJ I have snatched this dude up on more than one occasion. I have given him advice (he says I am more of a father to him than his own father) but it's like he doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy. It goes in one ear and out the other. He tells me he is going to do this and that and then never comes through. I told him the only reason I tolerate him IS because of my daughter and I told him the only reason I have not put him in the hospital is out of respect to my daughter.

[bodyhard]

Sounds like he is the "nice loser" type. Sometimes that can be MORE frustrating because the guy might drive you insane, but isn't a bad guy. In some ways it might be easier (for you) if he was bad to her because we all have the papa silverback instinct that we can use there. I'm curious, when you talk to her about how you feel about the situation or ask her how she feels about it, what does she say?

That's the sh!t, he is not a bad guy, in fact when he lived with me (they lived with me for almost 2 years) he helped me all the time, he'd clean the back yard, the front of my house, threw out the garbage etc etc. But getting a job for him is like not important.

My daughter tells me she loves him and that he does all he could to help, he "hustles" and brings in some money sometime, but that is not consistent.

I am hoping that maybe now that they have that beautiful little girl that he wakes the f'ck up, but honestly I don't see it happening.

[shaneinga]

Stop buying food for them and paying their rent. Right now she does not "need" to make a decision about having a man in her life to support her. You are doing that for her.

As long as things are status quo, what makes you think she will change? Change the rules of the game and see how long she continues to put up with a dead beat who won't work.

[bodyhard]

Stop buying food for them and paying their rent. Right now she does not "need" to make a decision about having a man in her life to support her. You are doing that for her.

As long as things are status quo, what makes you think she will change? Change the rules of the game and see how long she continues to put up with a dead beat who won't work.

This is a very good point and one that I have spoken to my wife about. I told her if we keep enabling her she wont' know how hard it is. I said if we stop and let them see how hard it gets then she will see and either leave him or force his ass to get a job. The problem with that is, it is easier said than done. I can't see my daughter struggle because of this guy, it is a catch 22.

[ajdahlheimer]

AJ I have snatched this dude up on more than one occasion. I have given him advice (he says I am more of a father to him than his own father) but it's like he doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy. It goes in one ear and out the other. He tells me he is going to do this and that and then never comes through. I told him the only reason I tolerate him IS because of my daughter and I told him the only reason I have not put him in the hospital is out of respect to my daughter.

Man, sounds like all that herb he smokes must mellow him out to a point where he can't digest a threat. I've known really burnt-out brahs like that..........

[GnomusMaximus]

That's the sh!t, he is not a bad guy, in fact when he lived with me (they lived with me for almost 2 years) he helped me all the time, he'd clean the back yard, the front of my house, threw out the garbage etc etc. But getting a job for him is like not important.

My daughter tells me she loves him and that he does all he could to help, he "hustles" and brings in some money sometime, but that is not consistent.

I am hoping that maybe now that they have that beautiful little girl that he wakes the f'ck up, but honestly I don't see it happening.

Ya I get this a lot, you see one person in the family that doesn't really contribute but is not a bad person. It's frustrating for me when I meet with them, because like you I feel I need to contribute/support. Then you meet with folks and in the back of your head you think "Well maybe if you got off your dupa..." However they are nice and seem caring etc. I could only imagine it must be 1000 times more frustrating if the guy is with your daughter.