should i reach out to my sister that my mom gave up for adoption? srs

[Sullivan0930]

so ive always known my mom gave up her first born to adoption. i never knew why and my mom never wanted to speak of it. About a year ago she reached out to me on FB and messaged me a few times. i never responded because i felt like it would cause my mom pain and go aginst her, but it has always plagued me. Im afraid opening this door might open a door that my mom has always wanted closed, im not sure what to do here. I really wanna know, its crazy how much she looks like my mom and sister. Below are the messages she sent me a year ago. Im 24 and shes 30 now. That 3rd message just tears me apart that she grew up like that and i had everything she ever wanted and im still keeping that from her.

message 1.
thank you for accepting my friend request I checked everyday lol don't know if you remember me but I met u once many years ago you were just a small boy now ur a grown man you look like u have done so good for urself I'm so happy! Danielle looks so great too! you may or may not of heard about me not sure.. but maybe someday we can meet I've always thought about u and Danielle

message 2.
lol re reading that msg I sent u I don't want u to think I'm some kind of stalker or physco I am biologically related to u just wanted to clear that up incase u don't no who I am I won't msg u again until u reply I don't want to be a bother to u

message 3
you know what it took a lot to reach out to u n Danielle I don't understand why u can't reply but whatever it is what it is. all of my childhood years and teen years I always thought I did something wrong like why didn't mom like me and why did she just hand me to another family at the age of 4 n never look back but as I grew into a adult and realized I did nothing wrong I always said I would never forgive her for that and yes I am the oldest and yes I new she had other kids but I just didn't no how to reach out I tried once with Carrie many years ago n that didn't work and you and your sister where too young to no the difference but now that your both adults I thought u would give it one more try and reach out to a brother I never met and a sister that I only saw once and she was so adorable n young but anyways I can see that you have read my texts n u don't want to reply I have no idea why but whatever at least I no I tried so I don't have to live with any guilt of wondering how things could of been diff if I just reached out I have no biological family I found my biological dad 3 yrs ago and he has never had any other children so I have no other brothers or sisters so I never new what that felt like that's why I tried! but there is no sence being my friend on here so that I can see your face n pics n have it remind me of the wondering of why wouldn't my brother even say hi or why won't my biological sister accepts friend request what could I ever of done wrong to any of you? NOTHING! so all I can do is wish u and Danielle the best and may god always look out and watch over u and be that angel over ur shoulder while u are in the air force and always!!

[naths]

So your mom won't tell you why she gave her up? The dad was not a good guy, or what?

[TheWeeknd4Ever]

Holy......this is some real stuff. I don't know what to say to you man.

I feel like this is the kind of thing that you have to have gone through to be able to speak on it because i have no idea what this must feel like for you, or for her. Dang. Her reaching out to you must have taken an immense amount of courage though. And i'm not saying that not responding to her was the wrong decision, only you can decide that. I can say though, that from reading her message, she sounded like she was in some serious pain.....Just think about it, in some alternate world you could have been the first born. What if you contacted your long lost siblings and they wanted nothing to do to you? Must feel worse than a knife.

But like i said, not judging you man. This must be really tough for you but i hope you do what you thinks best. Even if you feel like you can't reach out to her because of how much pain and guilt it would cause your mom, i would at least message her back and tell her why things are the way that they are to give her some closure....I don't know if that makes sense at all, just my thoughts.

[Sullivan0930]

So your mom won't tell you why she gave her up? The dad was not a good guy, or what?

all i know is different dads. my mom never spoke of it. idk if she was raped, just didnt want her, one night stand. i dont know anything. i just know she hates hearing anything about it.

[Sullivan0930]

Holy......this is some real stuff. I don't know what to say to you man.

I feel like this is the kind of thing that you have to have gone through to be able to speak on it because i have no idea what this must feel like for you, or for her. Dang. Her reaching out to you must have taken an immense amount of courage though. And i'm not saying that not responding to her was the wrong decision, only you can decide that. I can say though, that from reading her message, she sounded like she was in some serious pain.....Just think about it, in some alternate world you could have been the first born. What if you contacted your long lost siblings and they wanted nothing to do to you? Must feel worse than a knife.

But like i said, not judging you man. This must be really tough for you but i hope you do what you thinks best. Even if you feel like you can't reach out to her because of how much pain and guilt it would cause your mom, i would at least message her back and tell her why things are the way that they are to give her some closure....I don't know if that makes sense at all, just my thoughts.

i know. ive literally been reading this message for over 10months and i feel horrible about myself every time. i feel like i should respond and tell her why i never responded and just try to give her maybe some comfort or closure.

[thercias]

boy or adoption crew

[2Heavy4Me]

i might be cynical but she sounds like shes looking for some handouts based on the messages and grammar(lol)

edit: i feel pretty bad for thinking that, she might actually be genuinely interested in being a part of your life brah

[derppretfd]

your mom sounds heartless dude

[Sullivan0930]

i might be cynical but she sounds like shes looking for some handouts based on the messages and grammar(lol)

edit: i feel pretty bad for thinking that, she might actually be genuinely interested in being a part of your life brah

idk i never picked up that vibe. even so theres not much to get from me, i live 1500miles away and have no money.

[painebrah]

wish I had a older sister crew

[BlutosBollocks]

all i know is different dads. my mom never spoke of it. idk if she was raped, just didnt want her, one night stand. i dont know anything. i just know she hates hearing anything about it.

Your mum must be a grade-A kunt to give away a 4yr old even if she was raped. You just don't give away a 4yr old.

i might be cynical but she sounds like shes looking for some handouts based on the messages and grammar(lol)

The grammar is bad but why would that mean she's after a handout?

your mom sounds heartless dude

This. You mum is an absolute fukface OP. And so are you for ignoring the message from your sis. Imagine how she feels all these years on and still getting rejected by her own flesh and blood.

*******.

[derppretfd]

Your mum must be a grade-A kunt to give away a 4yr old even if she was raped. You just don't give away a 4yr old.



The grammar is bad but why would that mean she's after a handout?



This. You mum is an absolute fukface OP. And so are you for ignoring the message from your sis. Imagine how she feels all these years on and still getting rejected by her own flesh and blood.

*******.

if it was a newborn and your mom was 17 or some chit I could sort of get it, but a 4 yr old? phuck, my dads mom more or less abandoned him when he was around that age and the guy still looks sad as **** anytime you bring his mom up, it's the most depressing thing in the world to see your dad so sad about having a pos for a mother

[linkmebra]

You are 24 and she is 30. You can have a relationship with her without your mother knowing. More importantly she is old enough to understand your restraint because it might upset your mother.


I definitely think you should do it.

[Sandmanlet]

Dam that's a tough call, IMO I think you should respond. Your mother shouldn't control every aspect of your life. You'll regret it in the long run if you don't contact her eventually.

[Sullivan0930]

your mom sounds heartless dude

Your mum must be a grade-A kunt to give away a 4yr old even if she was raped. You just don't give away a 4yr old.


This. You mum is an absolute fukface OP. And so are you for ignoring the message from your sis. Imagine how she feels all these years on and still getting rejected by her own flesh and blood.

*******.

i can understand how this can be perceived from an outside perspective. But to me my mom worked two jobs to try and give me everything. We went through some really rough times growing up and she always put us first. Thats why i think something really fuked up happened here.

[overMotivated]

Answer her you fuking *******.

You are 24, you are not your mother. Her mistakes should not spill over into your life.

Unless there is a reason why you dont want to associate with your sister who wishes you nothing but the best (and dont be quick to assume the worst of people like some *******s in this thread who think shes after a handout) give her the fuking benefit of doubt and get it through your thick skull that you're not opening any "doors your mother wanted closed". Your mom took the easy way out, and you will follow in the footsteps of a weak person if you do the same.

[1hardgainer]

Wow what a tough situation to be in. If that were me, I'd give in and respond to her, although I wouldn't know exactly what to say. I'd like to be honest about why I never responded to her first two messages, but I'd be afraid to hurt her feelings about how her mom doesn't want anything to do with her. Do you think your mom could forgive you if you reached out to your long lost sibling? It's bad enough she refuses to talk about it but it's flat out cold hearted for her to demand her kids to not have any contact with their own sister.

[FailedPotential]

Just talk to the poor sloot, ignoring her like that wtf, i'm not even an emotional ******* but it seems cruel to me just ignoring her.

How long was the time span between each message?

[DotheDew563]

This could turn out to be a feel good thread, or end terribly. I'd give advice but im studying for a midterm at 3 AM too tired brah

[derppretfd]

i can understand how this can be perceived from an outside perspective. But to me my mom worked two jobs to try and give me everything. We went through some really rough times growing up and she always put us first. Thats why i think something really fuked up happened here.

what could a 4 yr old have possibly done? talked back to your mom, pissed her pants? unless her biological dad was some abusive nut case that your mom had imprisoned I'm sort of at a loss as to what your sister could have done. You know you can always get your sisters side of it. I doubt her life has been a cake walk either.

[linkmebra]

JUST BE HONEST

why the feeling of guilt? You have no secrets on the subject. If you feel you aren't ready to open the box just yet then tell her that. But keep in mind your mother might eventually pass away with those secrets. Regret of not knowing is many times worse than the truth.

[BlutosBollocks]

if it was a newborn and your mom was 17 or some chit I could sort of get it, but a 4 yr old? phuck, my dads mom more or less abandoned him when he was around that age and the guy still looks sad as **** anytime you bring his mom up, it's the most depressing thing in the world to see your dad so sad about having a pos for a mother

Sorry to hear that. SRS. My younger son turned 3 today. It's incomprehensible to think how someone could reject him. And how much it would phuck him over in the head too. Disgusting. Feel sorry for your Dad. SRS.

i can understand how this can be perceived from an outside perspective. But to me my mom worked two jobs to try and give me everything. We went through some really rough times growing up and she always put us first. Thats why i think something really fuked up happened here.

No matter how fukked up, a 4yr old is not at fault for your mother giving her away. The only possible way of excusing your mothers actions is that she was struggling and thought that the child would be better off with someone else. But even that is warped thinking. A child would rather go through any hardship to stay with their mother.

If that was the case though, your mother should now be feeling desperate to get back in touch with your sister. But it sounds like she still wants nothing to do with her.

Sad.

[Footzy]

Lol she got "raped". No op she fuked a dude and he dumped her so she took it out on the poor child. Doesnt matter she worked hard for you, she destroyed her oldest childs life. And you continue the disrespect by not even responding. Wow. You are your mothers son.

[lolhey]

This might be one of the realest threads I've read on the misc.

If I were you I'd respond, but if she insists on meeting up or anything along those lines I'd back off. Sounds like she just wants to get to know her lost brother a bit better, there's nothing wrong with that.

[WrathOfPecan]

OP if I was in that situation I would contact her. You can just be honest with your sister that you felt pressure not to say anything b/c of the situation with your mother. Also tell her what you told us: that you really have no idea why she gave your sister up for adoption and its off limits to ask about it, and that you don't want to get in between in any family drama over it.

But otherwise I would be there for my long-lost sister. You can still have a relationship with her and not talk to the rest of your family about your communication. She just wants to know where she comes from, and to have a sense of belonging that only comes from being part of a family. I see you're a bit far away from each other location wise but I'd recommend first writing each other letters by hand, and make sure to have her post them to a PO box some miles outside the town you live in (not your direct address so she can't just show up). The reason to insist on handwritten letters is it makes both of you think more before you write and tempers the emotions a bit. ******** and email is like diarrhea for the mind and before you know it you say too much at once or express things in a way that causes problems.

After some time if things go well for some months you MIGHT consider talking on the phone but you don't have to. Start slow here also, talk earlier in the day and not at night because you don't know if she might have a drinking problem (after being put up for adoption I wouldn't blame her) and its less likely to be an issue in that time between breakfast and lunch if there is one.

Good luck OP.

[linkmebra]

but I'd recommend first writing each other letters by hand, and make sure to have her post them to a PO box some miles outside the town you live in (not your direct address so she can't just show up). The reason to insist on handwritten letters is it makes both of you think more before you write and tempers the emotions a bit. ******** and email is like diarrhea for the mind and before you know it you say too much at once or express things in a way that causes problems.

After some time if things go well for some months you MIGHT consider talking on the phone but you don't have to. Start slow here also, talk earlier in the day and not at night because you don't know if she might have a drinking problem and its less likely to be an issue in that time between breakfast and lunch if there is one.

Good luck OP.

Great stuff

[Mrcanadian]

op is trying to find out if he should reach out to his sister not to hear miscs opinions about his mother....

I think you should contact her - even if you leave it between the two of you. Sounds like she's had a hard life and it might do her and yourself good.

[Sullivan0930]

alright misc. im going to respond tomorrow afternoon. i guess my only concern is if she starts commenting on my FB and stuff and my family sees that and is like wtf. really like the handwritten letter idea

[sweetneybrian]

Damn Op I know how this chit feels. I grew up not knowing my dad then one day he hit me up and I asked him he had any other kids. Found out he had a son by a woman who gave it up for adoption, if I knew how to actually go about finding the kid I would.

Also, a few years back a woman hit me up out of the blue. She told me she had a kid by my dad, so in a short period of time I found out I had 2 brothers I knew nothing about. The woman that hit me up was good but kind of pissed me off at the same time, she wanted me to know I had this brother but also asked that I didn't pursue anything because he was raised by another man he knows as his dad. He knows nothing about me or his biological dad and probably never will. What's even more fuked up is they live literally about 10 minutes from me. I actually see this lady at the grocery store from time to time.

Imo you should reach out and make the best of it. I know that I wish I could have the opportunity to get to know my siblings.

[BlutosBollocks]

op is trying to find out if he should reach out to his sister not to hear miscs opinions about his mother....

Her involvement is an important factor. OP needs balanced opinions from miscers to determine her credibility.

Try and fuk her man srs

Will you just fuk off?

Negged.