Why improve yourself AFTER divorce?

[MissHolly]

This is something I've thought about for quite a while, but a recent thread in the O35 has spurred me to finally bring it up.

Everyone has been through a breakup of one sort or another, be it divorce, separation, breaking up with a BF/GF. After the initial shock and awe occurs and you begin to immerge from the rubble, you start to look at yourself and your flaws. For different reasons you begin to address these issues. It could be fixing something about yourself that may have caused the breakup (anger issues, cold personality, etc.). Or you're now thinking OMG I've got to get back out in the dating scene, I want to get back in shape.

Why wait until it's all over to put the effort in? Why was your former partner not good enough to try for? Why is being in a relationship holding you back from bettering yourself?

I'm sure this is all redundant and I know everyone's experiences are different, but I think about it sometimes. What do you all think?

[kingoftroys]

Or you're now thinking OMG I've got to get back out in the dating scene, I want to get back in shape.

Probably this^^^

[Mark1T]

Hey Holly. I have never been married, but we all have been in relationships. I can only say that I have always trained, before and after relationships, when it was good and when it was bad. I was never complacent about training. There were many times I did not want to go to the gym, but I felt the opposite right after. It was like medicine.

I always felt that even if my heart is ripped away, my training could never be taken away. The gym never let me down and never broke up with me.

So, in or out of relationships, I always strove to better myself. i guess because I knew most relationships never last. That last sentence could be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it's still the cold, hard truth.

[MissHolly]

Or you're now thinking OMG I've got to get back out in the dating scene, I want to get back in shape.

Probably this^^^

Very often this is the case. I'm just wondering why the getting back in shape couldn't happen while still in the relationship.

Hey Holly. I have never been married, but we all have been in relationships. I can only say that I have always trained, before and after relationships, when it was good and when it was bad. I was never complacent about training. There were many times I did not want to go to the gym, but I felt the opposite right after. It was like medicine.

I always felt that even if my heart is ripped away, my training could never be taken away. The gym never let me down and never broke up with me.

So, in or out of relationships, I always strove to better myself. i guess because I knew most relationships never last. That last sentence could be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it's still the cold, hard truth.

I admire your work ethic and desire to train after so many years. I think it's great that you strive to improve yourself no matter what, but it's unfortunate you feel that way about relationships. I see it as you being a realist and going into situations with your eyes wide open. I can respect that.

And yes, there is a huge comfort in knowing the gym can never break up with you.

[Fishman15]

Very often this is the case. I'm just wondering why the getting back in shape couldn't happen while still in the relationship.

If you are not in shape and your spouse is not in shape and unwilling or unable to get in shape for whatever reason, why would you bother? It may just actually hurt them psychologically. Now if you feel getting in shape could motivate your spouse to get in shape than that is different.

[ElrondHubbard]

This is something I've thought about for quite a while, but a recent thread in the O35 has spurred me to finally bring it up.

Everyone has been through a breakup of one sort or another, be it divorce, separation, breaking up with a BF/GF. After the initial shock and awe occurs and you begin to immerge from the rubble, you start to look at yourself and your flaws. For different reasons you begin to address these issues. It could be fixing something about yourself that may have caused the breakup (anger issues, cold personality, etc.). Or you're now thinking OMG I've got to get back out in the dating scene, I want to get back in shape.

Why wait until it's all over to put the effort in? Why was your former partner not good enough to try for? Why is being in a relationship holding you back from bettering yourself?

I'm sure this is all redundant and I know everyone's experiences are different, but I think about it sometimes. What do you all think?

My first marriage really did hold me back. It was a living hell for years. I felt literally trapped almost the entire time. So when we split, in my case, it was "hooray, I'm free!" And then seeing lots of hot young ladies in tight leotards at the gym was continuing motivation.

But that didn't last. I started dating again, and developed a couple of LTRs, and got lazy and self-satisfied. I was busy, and the gym was too much time and effort. Got remarried, my new wife accepts me as I am. That's both a curse and a blessing.

Fast forward about 22 years, and I'd just finished building an art studio for my wife. Took me four years on weekends -- it was pretty fancy. Had been working on some other hobbies and projects too, plus a job that kept me hundreds of miles from home most weeks. Now that all over, and I'm home a reasonable amount of time. I'd been thinking about getting fit again, but kept procrastinating. Now there were no more excuses. So this time I did it just because I wanted to. I don't have to chase women any more, 'cause I have the best, but I was starting to feel that age creeping in.

Did I mention my wife accepts me as I am? Funny, she accepts the new, fit me with a lot more enthusiasm than she did the old slob! That incentive just got even more self-sustaining!

[so-tex]

Most excellent thread Holly.
I've been separated from my wife of 26 years going on 8 months ( her decision). After a month went by, she told me it didn't have to be permanent , but when I pretty much assured her it would, she fell apart. I felt bad, consoled her, and told her all might not be lost, but in my mind, I knew it would.
Now here we are, the best of friends and getting along better than we did in the last 10 years(still separated). Have I started doing anything different? Physically, not so much. Spiratually and emotionally? You bet. I've never felt better. I May sound like I'm coming off like a jerk, but I'm loving my freedom. I'm working out with my daughter almost everyday, cherishing every moment with her, my granddaughter, son in law, and yes, my wife.

[JimmyJonny]

I'm getting in shape now so when my wife divorces me I'll be ready.

[ElrondHubbard]

Most excellent thread Holly.
I've bee separated from my wife of 26 years going on 8 months ( her decision). After a month went by, she told me it didn't have to be permanent , but when I pretty much assured her it would, she fell apart. I felt bad, consoled her, and told her all might not be lost, but in my mind, I knew it would.
Now here we are, the best of friends and getting along better than we did in the last 10 years(still separated). Have I started doing anything different? Physically, not so much. Spiratually and emotionally? You bet. I've never felt better. I May sound like I'm coming off like a jerk, but I'm loving my freedom. I'm working out with my daughter almost everyday, cherishing every moment with her, my granddaughter, son in law, and yes, my wife.

You don't sound like a jerk to me. Freedom is probably the best thing for a good relationship!

[Cass40]

Funny that I was thinking about the exactly the same thing earlier after reading that one guy's thread.
Personally, I got more fit and lost weight after I got married. My husband does not want me to get fat. He doesn't even like big butts. He has always supported my training and healthy habits...sometimes he literally takes cakes out of my hands.
I am not sure how I'd look had I been married to someone who brought junk food home everyday and didn't care whether I was fit or not. (I have very hard time resisting food and just love to eat everything in sight).
I know I look better now than when I got married, and I know it's at least partly because of his support.
Now the training is just part of me and I will do it regardless whether single, married, divorced or a widow. It's just who I am now.

[so-tex]

You don't sound like a jerk to me. Freedom is probably the best thing for a good relationship!

Actually, my wife was very good about letting me do what I wanted to do within reason. I really can't explain it other than the fact when I fart now, nobody hears it.

[Cass40]

Actually, my wife was very good about letting me do what I wanted to do within reason. I really can't explain it other than the fact when I fart now, nobody hears it.

I heard it! ...all the way here in Cali

[ChazWood]

Most excellent thread Holly.
I've been separated from my wife of 26 years going on 8 months ( her decision). After a month went by, she told me it didn't have to be permanent , but when I pretty much assured her it would, she fell apart. I felt bad, consoled her, and told her all might not be lost, but in my mind, I knew it would.
Now here we are, the best of friends and getting along better than we did in the last 10 years(still separated). Have I started doing anything different? Physically, not so much. Spiratually and emotionally? You bet. I've never felt better. I May sound like I'm coming off like a jerk, but I'm loving my freedom. I'm working out with my daughter almost everyday, cherishing every moment with her, my granddaughter, son in law, and yes, my wife.

That's beautiful, man.

As Wayne would say: Carry on.

[ElrondHubbard]

I really can't explain it other than the fact when I fart now, nobody hears it.

But it's widely broadcast...

[kimm4]

I'm getting in shape now so when my wife divorces me I'll be ready.

LMAO!

I can't really add anything of value. I started at 15, way before I was in any relationships and just stayed with it. The guy's high school gym coach introduced me to the weight room and put me on my very first program, so thanks to him.

[pvsampson]

All the breakups I have had were because the women weren't good enough.Too ugly,(had a few of those), too fat (few of those too),too skinny,too tall,too short,too angry,not angry enough,too broke,too rich,too drunk,not drunk enough,too many drugs,etc., etc.,etc.Matter of fact,haven't found one good enough for me yet.I was always the perfect catch and they had no f#cken idea what they were missing out on.Idiots every single one of them.

Except Dana.

Or Louise.

Would change my life for either.Louise is closer.

[ElrondHubbard]

LMAO!

I can't really add anything of value. I started at 15, way before I was in any relationships and just stayed with it. The guy's high school gym coach introduced me to the weight room and put me on my very first program, so thanks to him.

Those who started young and stick with it for a lifetime are the ones I admire the most. Wish I had done that.

I joined the Navy in 1974, I was about 135 lbs. I stayed scrawny for a couple of years, then began submarine duty. There was a weight setup and treadmill in the lower level missile compartment, and I'd be doing my duty station in the middle level seeing all these fit guys heading down the ladder on their off time. Finally I got inspired and started lifting between the missile tubes. I gained weight amazingly fast, and for the first time in my life I had a physique to be proud of. I stuck with it until I got married, and then all hell broke loose. Had I stuck with it even after that, I might have saved us both a lot of grief. But I'm sure happy to be back at it now.

[kimm4]

Those who started young and stick with it for a lifetime are the ones I admire the most. Wish I had done that.

I joined the Navy in 1974, I was about 135 lbs. I stayed scrawny for a couple of years, then began submarine duty. There was a weight setup and treadmill in the lower level missile compartment, and I'd be doing my duty station in the middle level seeing all these fit guys heading down the ladder on their off time. Finally I got inspired and started lifting between the missile tubes. I gained weight amazingly fast, and for the first time in my life I had a physique to be proud of. I stuck with it until I got married, and then all hell broke loose. Had I stuck with it even after that, I might have saved us both a lot of grief. But I'm sure happy to be back at it now.

You made your way back and that's awesome! Good for you!

[so-tex]

All of a sudden we have a bunch of comedians in here.

[Cass40]

I read this and I wonder.......




what would DBX say ?

Can you call him and ask him, and then post his response?

[so-tex]

Can you call him and ask him, and then post his response?

I somehow seriously doubt Geoff would waste a dime listening to Kevin rant for hours on end about this very subject.

[so-tex]

That's beautiful, man.

As Wayne would say: Carry on.

Chaz... Don't you have something better to do... Like sticking a dildo up your ass?

[Brackneyc]

The issues I bring to the table have nothing to do with looks. I'm an idiot. You can't fix stupid.

[MissHolly]

If you are not in shape and your spouse is not in shape and unwilling or unable to get in shape for whatever reason, why would you bother? It may just actually hurt them psychologically. Now if you feel getting in shape could motivate your spouse to get in shape than that is different.

I see your point. Though, I don't understand why one could not improve themselves without the other partner being in on the deal. But I do know that it happens often and just may not be a priority until they find themselves unattached.

I'd been thinking about getting fit again, but kept procrastinating. Now there were no more excuses. So this time I did it just because I wanted to. I don't have to chase women any more, 'cause I have the best, but I was starting to feel that age creeping in.

Did I mention my wife accepts me as I am? Funny, she accepts the new, fit me with a lot more enthusiasm than she did the old slob! That incentive just got even more self-sustaining!

You're reasoning for finally getting in the gym and doing something for yourself is much like mine. I love to see an accepting relationship such as yours. Very cool that the enthusiasm has grown as well.

[MissHolly]

Most excellent thread Holly.
I've been separated from my wife of 26 years going on 8 months ( her decision). After a month went by, she told me it didn't have to be permanent , but when I pretty much assured her it would, she fell apart. I felt bad, consoled her, and told her all might not be lost, but in my mind, I knew it would.
Now here we are, the best of friends and getting along better than we did in the last 10 years(still separated). Have I started doing anything different? Physically, not so much. Spiratually and emotionally? You bet. I've never felt better. I May sound like I'm coming off like a jerk, but I'm loving my freedom. I'm working out with my daughter almost everyday, cherishing every moment with her, my granddaughter, son in law, and yes, my wife.

So-tex, I have to say that I thought of you when creating this thread. I just could not imagine finding myself facing a separation after 26 years of marriage. From what I've seen since you've separated, you seem to have been handling it pretty well (as much as can be inferred via the internet anyway). Now seeing your response to this thread, I can clearly see that you're gonna make it.

There's an irony in the fact that your wife asked for the separation, then told you one day you would be together again, and finally you realized you were better on your own. It has a bitter-sweet feeling to it, to me anyway. I think it's amazing that your relationship has grown from this...just in a different direction.

Keep up the great work in the gym and let me just say, you're doing it right.

I'm getting in shape now so when my wife divorces me I'll be ready.

Preemptive strike, I like it!

(Been quietly following your progress in the June 1st thread...well done).

[notmultitasker]

I like you MissHolly and agree with what you're saying. But, idk why every time I see your picture I think of Jodi Arias with blonde hair... But I like you so it's all good. Lol

[MissHolly]

Funny that I was thinking about the exactly the same thing earlier after reading that one guy's thread.
Personally, I got more fit and lost weight after I got married. My husband does not want me to get fat. He doesn't even like big butts. He has always supported my training and healthy habits...sometimes he literally takes cakes out of my hands.
I am not sure how I'd look had I been married to someone who brought junk food home everyday and didn't care whether I was fit or not. (I have very hard time resisting food and just love to eat everything in sight).
I know I look better now than when I got married, and I know it's at least partly because of his support.
Now the training is just part of me and I will do it regardless whether single, married, divorced or a widow. It's just who I am now.

LOL, takes cakes out of your hands. Only you, Cass.

It's great that training is part of who you are now and I feel exactly the same way.

LMAO!

I can't really add anything of value. I started at 15, way before I was in any relationships and just stayed with it. The guy's high school gym coach introduced me to the weight room and put me on my very first program, so thanks to him.

You always add something of value. Again, much respect for such work ethic and dedication!

[MissHolly]

All the breakups I have had were because the women weren't good enough.Too ugly,(had a few of those), too fat (few of those too),too skinny,too tall,too short,too angry,not angry enough,too broke,too rich,too drunk,not drunk enough,too many drugs,etc., etc.,etc.Matter of fact,haven't found one good enough for me yet.I was always the perfect catch and they had no f#cken idea what they were missing out on.Idiots every single one of them.

Except Dana.

Or Louise.

Would change my life for either.Louise is closer.

Lulz

I read this and I wonder.......




what would DBX say ?

Did DBX have strong feelings on this subject?

The issues I bring to the table have nothing to do with looks. I'm an idiot. You can't fix stupid.

Hm, something tells me you're no idiot. From what you've said you have an amazing woman by your side, no matter what.

[MissHolly]

I like you MissHolly and agree with what you're saying. But, idk why every time I see your picture I think of Jodi Arias with blonde hair... But I like you so it's all good. Lol

Um, thanks? Between being called a 5th grade school teacher yesterday and now a murderer today, damn, might have to change this AVI. Not srs. Now I'm going to keep it so I can creep you out daily.

[notmultitasker]

Um, thanks? Between being called a 5th grade school teacher yesterday and now a murderer today, damn, might have to change this AVI. Not srs. Now I'm going to keep it so I can creep you out daily.

You could never.