GF of 2+ years won't stop dropping marriage hints

[MyAvatar]

This is what I'm seeing, too.


OP, you have to communicate thoroughly with her if you are both going to get what you want. If you propose just to make her happy, you will end up resenting her in the long run. On the flip side, if you are holding out with an arbitrary number of three years just to keep her around, then yes, that's a dik move.

As another poster pointed out, she might just want get married. Period. I knew a girl that had her wedding planned out to a T, complete with a wedding dress, and she didn't even have a groom yet. She wasn't even dating. When she did finally meet her husband-to-be, she had everything orchestrated right down to when and where he would propose to her. (And he did exactly what she wanted.) All so she could live out this fantasy she had since she was a little girl. That sh*t is creepy. And they are not happy now, don't even know if they're still together.

You better ask her the hard question: Does she want to marry you or just get married? I think doing this through a counselor would be the best way, especially since you said you both lack communication skills. A counselor is supposed to be impartial and should show you both what your flaws are and what you need to work on. I don't think, as others have alluded to, that a counselor would immediately side with one or the other of you.

I will try to propose counseling. I have just been apprehensive about asking because 1 year ago I found us a counselor , and didn't like him and his methodologies. I liked him. He seemed very rational.

[Brackneyc]

I am just not ready to make the commitment of marriage yet. I feel like her and I have a lot if growing to do first

Anything requiring this much thought is already settled business.

[JRMoore82]

This is another major concern of mine. I am really struggling with trying to discern whether she wants a marriage in general , or sincerely wants me. I don't want to get suckered into a scenario where she is just trying to fulfill her need to have a marriage in general. That doesn't go over well in the long run.

I want to bring this up but feel like it would backfire.

If you two can't have this kinda real convo then you two probably shouldn't be together period.

Sorry. In marriages you both have to be vulnerable and free to say **** that will "piss the other one off".

You think every idea I have is a great one in my wife's eyes or vice versa? Just being real. I have days I wanna be a "retarded teen" and sit in front of my tv playing Xbone and not deal with life. Knowing damn well my wife will disagree. But I have to be mature enough to talk and explain and deal with it. That's a light hearted discussion but it flows into everything else. Ex finances child raising politics etc

[Fishman15]

I won't wanna give away a lifetime. Most of the personal things have to do with the fears of what happens if I get married and things to to ****? Or what happens if divorce happens ? I don't want to end on the **** end of the stick because of any of those things. I know those aren't necessarily good things to have in mind, which is why I need time to work through those feelings.

I'd make her sign a pre-nup. That will show her who's boss...unless she makes more than you...lol

[so-tex]

Anything requiring this much thought is already settled business.

^^this^^. 3 words. You're not ready .

[Clinos]

Anything requiring this much thought is already settled business.

Was waiting for this gem to pop up in the thread, baffles me why it is 2 pages. OP you already know the answer and it doesn't entail her being your finance just to buy some time.

[Mojoke]

^^this^^. 3 words. You're not ready .

That's actually 4 words Reps to you man!

[Mojoke]

Sorry ACC... but this ^^^ is a serious dickwad move...

Either chite or get off the pot, don't lead her on even more. No woman (or man) deserves to have that bs pulled on them.

I have a buddy that is on his third fiance without ever having been married. I've told him to his face it's a dick move too...

^^^So true! Reps to you man.

So dude learned about her body but her mind he didn't know
Until the brutal attitude and morals began to show

This is a classic, could have wrote it in an attic
OP if you're really such an addict, and there is no living without her, then just give her what she wants and get married damn it.

If not, give her up and move on.
There is probably plenty of other girls more interested in "loose" coupling.

[Smelly bull]

If you are not ready or don't want to get married...than don't.

That is part of who you are and what you want. If your significant other wants something else, she is not your significant other.

[MiamiSpartan]

You are both headed in opposite directions on a very serious subject to the both of you. If you can not talk it out, and come to a decision that you both can live with, you should split and go on with your lives and find someone that is headed the same direction as you. Don't expect to many girls that are your age that are not thinking about marriage though.

Good luck.

What he said......

[mcbourque]

See, I do want marriage. Just not right now. I am basing that 3 years off of our last 2 years together. I feel like there is still a lot of maturing left for both of us for marriage, and I think that could take another 2-3 years. I don't see anything wrong with investing in a 4-5 year relationship before making a lifetime commitment.

Everyone is different and she may or may not want to get married for the right reason.

For the record, I am totally in the same mind as you are as my husband and I where together (and living together) 7 years before getting married at 32. (16 years married and counting - first marriage for both)

Social media is messing expectations even more than before. I see a lot of young women jumping into marriage and motherhood because it is very fashionable right now and it sounds more glamorous (the planning! the dress! the cute baby clothes and cupcakes!) than sticking through a relationship long term, getting a career and being financially responsible and all that boring and hard-to-do stuff.

Now I am not saying that every woman who married early is like that (looking at you Cass ) but it is something that happens even more now that all this is online. (My own niece is going through that right now.)

I don't know what the best thing for you to say would be. My own husband tended to ignore me if I brought up the subject when we were still not married and I totally got the hint LOL

But you could tell her that you are a bit old-fashioned and want to make sure you are financially solid, able to buy a house, set yourself up and all that before you marry to offer the best to your future family. I guess I knew that was why my husband waited that long to propose. Wanting to be better established life wise.

If you tell her that you are waiting to make your future married life better and more secured, she might see your point (as long as you don't imply that you are still testing the relationship, that would not bode well )

EDITS: just reread some of the earliest post and basically, yes. Does she want the deep commitment or the pretty party dress and diamond to post on ********.

[vakrka]

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.

James Dobson

If you are ready to let her go so that you can not be tied down right now, then she is not the right person. I knew within months that I would not want to live another moment without my wife. We took 3 years to get married but have been married 21 years and will stay married until I die

[sy2502]

EDITS: just reread some of the earliest post and basically, yes. Does she want the deep commitment or the pretty party dress and diamond to post on ********.

There's also a third type of person, which does want to get married AND wants to get married to somebody they love, but also realizes there's plenty of fish in the sea, and if OP doesn't want to get married, she can find another one to love and have a family with. I think the idea of "the one, true, and only love of your life" sounds good in songs and movies, but realistically, as I said, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

[tobymax123]

Sorry if this has already been mentioned... Don't get her pregnant. Take control of the birth control yourself. Always Always ALWAYS use a condom. Better yet, since you clearly don't want to marry her, break up with her sooner rather than later.

[UnaChispita]

I am in full agreement. The odds are truly against men in marriage, and this is another reason I won't get married unless I am truly sure. I have learned to trust my gut, which is why I am sticking to my guns here. The last thing I want is to wake 6 years from now in a crappy situation, just because I buckled.

Sounds like you don't plan on marrying her. Ever.

Time to go your separate ways.

[jamesovercome]

"rights to *YOUR* stuff"
Why do people marry women with absolutely nothing? If she has her own job, pension and everything else she isn't getting half of *YOUR* stuff. She will have her own stuff, her own goals and won't be wiping the table with you in case of a divorce.

Most of the horror divorce stories come from when the man is dumb as **** and marries a woman with absolutely nothing.

[JohnSmeton]

Posting in 35+ forum because
1.) I am assuming some of you have already dealt with this

And

2.) Looking for serious responses


I am happily in a relationship with my girlfriend whom I love , for a little more than 2 years now.

I am quite adamant about not wanting to get married for a while, but all that happens is that she gets hurt , and continues to bring up how her friends around her are getting married (this is only what she sees on social media).


Advice on how to best handle the situation moving forward ?

Be a man. do what you want to do. Girls test guys all the time . goodluck

[kademrulz]

I am not married but I was engaged for 6 years. I waited that long then stopped waiting. It wasn't right for us. Anyhow, if what is stopping you is "what ifs" then it is simple. Prenuptial agreements are for this very purpose.

But 2 things. You've been in this for 2 years. Another year isn't going to change much. So you are either
A) giving yourself a deadline to find something better and after such time you will settle
B) know somehow she is not the one for you and keep waiting to find that one major thing to point to to justify your decision

However, if you truley love the girl, tell her your fears, get the prenup then get engaged but set the date a year from now. That covers the what ifs, shows her you are committed to her and gives you that year you desire.

If the relationship makes you happy getting married won't change that. If you aren't happy waiting won't change that either. The question you need to ask is not what if but am I happy?


Best of luck to you both

[ElrondHubbard]

ok that is true however love is a gamble you know this..50/50 shot at the big prize

but what would the alternative be? stand on sidelines in your own life and never try

yes there are no guarantees that it will be til death do us part
but darling if you gonna gamble on something in life

this one is a good one

Because "anything worth doing is worth doing wrong. Just keep doing it until you get it right."

Yeah, mariage is a risky proposition, and scary. But just maybe, it's worth the risk. Only you can decide, OP. But if it isn't worth the risk, don't do it, and let her go. You won't know in advance, no matter how long you wait.

[ElrondHubbard]

If after two years you don't feel you're ready to marry... move on she's not the one. Honestly, in reading your responses it doesn't sound like you'll ever be ready.

Tell her straight up you're not ever looking to get married because that's what I'm reading in your posts.

DO NOT KEEP STRINGING her along. Be flat out blunt and honest and tell her it's been real but she can do better.

Not being a dick, I'm being honest with you.

Perhaps someday you'll meet a girl and you'll know immediately this is it. Nobody needs to date for years before they know that this is the one. You'll know within months if not weeks or even days. My parents were married within two weeks of meeting each other for the first time, and remained happily married until my Dad passed away.

If you or she has to work to convince you... it's not the right relationship.

Time to move on for you both.

My wife and I are still on our second date. We knew we were right for each other that fast. Of course, we'd both been around the block a few times before that, so we'd seen the good and the bad.

[latebloomingmom]

Because "anything worth doing is worth doing wrong. Just keep doing it until you get it right."

Yeah, mariage is a risky proposition, and scary. But just maybe, it's worth the risk. Only you can decide, OP. But if it isn't worth the risk, don't do it, and let her go. You won't know in advance, no matter how long you wait.

I am sorry were you agreeing or disagreeing with me here??

if the boy is in love and knows this is the girl he wants to spend his life with? groovy
if not? he needs to cut and run

think that has been established

if he is in love and wants to spend his life with her but is hesitating and justifying this delay? then its fear plain and simple


hahaha I wasn't recommending he become a serial monogamist

[Georgeoz]

This is the Century of the Woman. Men, get used to it. You will have a female President year after next.

Women always want to get married and have kids; men never do. Nature arranged it that way aeons ago. Men conned women for a long time that they were calling the shots. Now women have worked that out and they are calling the shots.

If you are not "ready" to marry the lady you say you love, piss off and give someone else a shot.

[Brackneyc]

Be a man. do what you want to do. Girls test guys all the time . goodluck

He is doing what he what he wants to do. He is having sex and wants to keep his options open. I guess that is sort of manly. Well, not really.

[Brackneyc]

If you are not "ready" to marry the lady you say you love, piss off and give someone else a shot.

I really hate to say this, but you are right on this one.

[LollyLifts2015]

Women always want to get married and have kids; men never do. Nature arranged it that way aeons ago. Men conned women for a long time that they were calling the shots. Now women have worked that out and they are calling the shots.

LOL. Just LOL. You make me laugh. So silly.

I never wanted to get married until I found the right one (which just so happened to be recently). I ran away from guys who proposed marriage and I wasn't ready. Marriage isn't to be taken lightly; it's not like trying on a shirt, buying it, and then returning it later because you decided it didn't work out after all. If either parties aren't ready to marry, they shouldn't. Simple as that. I can't imagine being forced into a marriage by guilt of conscience would be healthy for either party. Simplest thing is to let her know how you feel and if she can't handle it, well, some birdies we love just need to fly away some times.

[ElrondHubbard]

I am sorry were you agreeing or disagreeing with me here??

Heh. I'd like to tell you for sure one way or the other, but I'm afraid to commit!




(Agreeing, of course!)

[sy2502]

women always want to get married and have kids; men never do.

lol

[NuclearArms]

Talk a bit more and then decide what each of you want to really do.
One last thing to remember is it may take a few years to find the right one when you are ready to get married so look at what your life timeline is.

[pvsampson]

I really hate to say this, but you are right on this one.

Yeah,I really hate to agree with him too.

Occasionally he is right.

[GGfredF]

same age as you and in same boat, OP.

How old is your gf? mine is older than me and is almost pressuring me due to her aging like groceries, and me like wine - ayyyylmajk

Your a dumy